True Dare Kiss (2007) s01e01 Episode Script

Episode 1

1 Use your head and use your feet Whoa-oh, whoa-oh Use your head and use your feet Whoa-oh, whoa-oh Use your head and use your feet Ten blue bastards - Sack this.
- Get over there.
Could you come home, please, Mam? If my bones do not mend Whoa-oh, whoa-oh If my bones do not mend Whoa-oh, whoa-oh If my bones do not mend Carry me back to the Stretford End Whoa-oa-oh-oh-oh What? Something's happened.
You're unbelievable.
Do you have any idea how much next door went for? Four hundred? And the rest! Which leaves this.
The only place in the whole street not being developed.
- So, if we don't move for it now - We?! Think about! Everyone'll be after it.
Mcllroys, Donovans Get in first, you'd get about six apartments, plus a couple more out the back.
You'd have people queuing round the block.
- They already are.
- Yeah, but this This ain't really my thing.
Oh, well, if it's a bit too ambitious Nice try.
Don't you want me to take an interest in yer business? An interest, yeah.
A takeover bid? Pass.
But this house is different.
It could be your biggest project yet.
It could take the business to a whole new level.
Yeah, it could if the guy would sell.
Which we both know he won't.
- He could be encouraged to sell.
- You are unbelievable.
- You need help - I don't need help.
Up all night watching Andy Pandy videos, scared of falling asleep in case it comes.
- Well, it did come.
- It always comes.
The nightmare! Woo! - It's not a joke! - You need to get arseholed.
See me, do I have nightmares? Do I have mither sleeping? Oh, all right, Doog! Who's that? Nita's tame project manager.
See him? Tripping over his tongue trying to get into her kecks! Him and half of Manchester.
Don't let me keep you awake, Beth.
This firm is on the up.
They've landed the contract for the new Arena.
- Wow.
- So, if we impress them here - D'you think they'll take us with them? - That's the plan.
I aim to have a team on every site in this city by the end of next year.
Jobs for life, eh, girls? Nancy, Lois, you're new, so I'll let me sisters fill you in on how we do things, but if you don't meet the required standards, it won't even be jobs till the end of next week, OK? Cool.
You off? There are five other sites all vying for my attention, but hopefully you can serve a few bacon barms without supervision.
- Bit fierce, your sister.
- Yeah, that's on a good day.
Let's get a few things cleared up.
We serve Scouse, scum, Cockneys, Brum, Geordies, Mackems, Jocks, Micks, bitters, bogtrotters, bin dippers, bag-snatchers You name 'em, we serve 'em.
But we aren't required to like 'em or listen to 'em drivel on about their third-rate, piss-poor, scab-arsey football teams.
When it comes to football, I do the talking.
There's a dress code here, so get that rag off, kiss me cats, and I might just sling you some leftovers.
- Who is it? - Yes, hello.
I'm doing a survey for the "Eccles and Patricroft Bugle".
Who? What do you, as a resident of Elgin Park, think of the recent crime wave in your area? - You what? - Can you actually feel safe these days? With feral gangs roaming the streets? What feral gangs? - You've not seen any? - No, but I don't like the sound of 'em.
This is what we're hearing from the community.
People are worried.
People are wondering if it's safe to step outside your own front door.
It won't be long before they're knocking on your door.
- What's the plod doing about it? - Sadly, very little.
All they're suggesting is that residents move to a safer area.
I know where I'm going And that we are in the knowing And I will stop at nothing Just to get what I want It's the only way of getting out of here It's the only way Yo, guys! Lola.
I thought we said nuts and seeds between meals.
Ethan Green Day tickets? How cool is that?! Georgie, what's the deal? Trainers outside the front door.
Mum, you're not actually coming with us to Green Day? Worried I might cramp your style in the mosh pit? - Mum - Don't worry! - I won't bonk Billie Joe after the gig.
- Oh, God! Would you have a problem with me coming with you? - No.
- No way.
- What? - You don't think it's a bit much? - What? - At your age getting your gut out.
At 42? D'you know what? No.
I don't think it's a bit much.
Specially when it's in better shape than some people's half its age! Right, guys, who wants to make some quick cashish? Dad's after that? And half of Salford.
- Find who else is in the frame.
- How? Hang around.
Discreetly, yeah? Keep an eye out.
Anyone shows up, bell me.
- Does Dad know about this? - We're just helping him out.
Oh, and keep your hoods up, yeah? We don't want anyone recognising you, thinking you're causing trouble.
- What's this for? - Expenses.
Get 'em in.
Bad news, this sort of caper.
Never used to be like this.
Ignore it, Dad.
It's just kids.
Little bastards want stringing up.
Man United Man United FC We're by far the greatest team the world has ever seen And it's Man United Man United FC We're by far the greatest team the world has ever seen Oi! Dozy twat! Stevie Wonder, sing! You are the sunshine of my life That's why I'll always be around Nice one.
- I worry about her.
- Why? A year ago she'd have banjoed me for that.
Is she going soft in her old age? We can only pray.
Go on, Wazzer! - Anything happening? - A twitchy dude with bow-wows went in.
- Can we come home? - I'll come and fetch you.
I won't be long.
Come on! Come on! Come on, you tosser! Time was, you had to be somebody to live round here.
Now it's any old riff-raff.
Will you? Oh, Dad! You just missed a screamer from Scholesy.
Dole scum.
Dead beats.
Y'know what they need? National Service.
- Yeah, Dad.
- Never did me any harm.
No, Dad.
Shit on the Villa! Shit on the Villa tonight! Why does she do that? No sense, no feeling.
- Shouldn't you take her home? - What, wreck my night, 'cause a dozy bint can't hold her ale? Yaah! Beth.
Whoooaaa! United! Get off! United! United! Drink, drink, wherever you may be We are the drunk and disorderly Always look on the bright side of life - Where are we? - Picking the kids up from a party.
- Oh, there they are.
- Eh, check out the neighbourhood.
- Should we knock the residents up? - Think you should invest in a brain? You're on probation.
Should you be drawing attention to yourself? How will I be drawing attention? We hate Nottingham Forest We hate Liverpool too Well, sing, you twats! We hate Manchester City But United we love you! Come on.
Come on, dickhead.
Come on.
Aw Look at the poor bleeders, brickin' it.
Eh, maybe we could invite them to join the party.
- I don't think we should.
- Chubb it, knobhead.
I'm your mam.
I say what happens.
We shouldn't freak the shit out of some poor old fossils.
Oh, we should.
We most definitely should.
Now what? Bloody hell! Dad? Beth! What's happening? What are you doing? God! Deep breaths, Dad, deep breaths.
Come on! We're just trying to be friendly Come and watch us singing and play - Get in the car, Beth.
- #.
We're the young generation And we've got something to say Oh, God! Oh, God! Beer monster coming through.
Wa-hey! Make way! Ambulance, please! - Drop me back at the pub.
- Beth! Just do it! Hey, guys! Could people please stop nicking my Razorlight? OK, guys, birthday alert.
Next week.
So, can I please ask people NOT to buy me stuff.
- What? - I'll order it myself, online.
Get it gift-wrapped.
All you need to do is write a message.
- You wouldn't rather dictate something? - I'll look surprised and we're all happy! You're such a romantic.
No, I just happen to hate pink carnations, crap perfume, and cushion cards.
Yeah, hello.
You might be interested to know.
Dad's just died.
Nita! It wasn't me.
It wasn't me.
It wasn't me.
OK, go there, say nothing.
Just bring them back here now.
Oh, shit.
- Alice and Beth.
- I've sent the kids.
No, I need to get them, I need to tell them myself.
Something's happened.
It's Dad.
He's dead.
What d'you mean, dead? - When? - Just now.
How? - Heart attack.
- Shit, shit.
Oh, shit.
Beth! - Get in the car.
- Oh, shit.
Come on.
- You can't say anything.
- What? You can't say we were there.
- Where? - Outside the house.
- It was Grandad's house.
- What? And now he's pegged it and it was nothing to do with us.
- It weren't to do with us.
- Exactly.
So we don't need to mention where we were.
If anyone asks we were at the pub.
It was nowt to do with us.
I don't even know what the old git looked like.
Oh, for Christ's sake, Al.
It's not like we'll miss him.
- Speak for yourself.
- Haven't seen him since 1987.
- I know, but - The kids hadn't even met him.
- He was still our dad.
- No.
He was an arsehole.
Yeah? Well, ta for the tip off, Doug.
I owe you big time.
Dangermouse Doog trying to grease his way to the promised land? He reckons the bosses are in this week, so, make sure we're up for it big style.
- Nowt like grief, is there? - Grief doesn't pay your wages.
- For God's sake.
- I'm sorry.
I keep thinking about Dad and how awful it was that we never saw him.
- His choice.
- And how we weren't there when he died.
- Go on your break.
- We'll never know what happened.
Just go.
- Jesus, Nita.
- What? - D'you think we're in the clear? - Sorry? - D'you think anyone saw us? - Saw you.
I was waiting in the car.
No way! Nita, you're not shoving this onto me! Shove what? No one saw you, the kids won't grass you, no one else knows you were there.
All you need to do is zip it.
What, like it's that easy? It is that easy, Beth.
It involves not moving your mouth.
Have a practice now.
You OK? I'm I'm fine.
You look really shaky.
Can I call someone for you? Your partner or What partner? Your family? Fat lot of help they'd be.
Look, I normally wouldn't do this, but you do seem really upset.
Oh, I've had a bad day .
week .
D'you wanna grab a coffee or something? I just think it helps sometimes to offload on someone.
- Well I - No, honestly, I'm a good listener.
I'm Bryce.
- Alice.
- Hi, Alice.
- So, who's going to tell you-know-who? - What? About me dad.
Who's gonna tell Phil? I don't have an address.
I have an address.
I don't actually see what's to be achieved by involving Phil.
We can't just say nowt.
We could, actually, as she hasn't been in touch for the last 20 years.
Don't pretend that's not suited you right down to the ground.
I mean, OK, we never saw him.
We didn't speak for, like, 20 years, but - He was still Dad.
- He was still Dad.
What is it with our family? Me mam goes, then our Phil.
Now Dad's bit the dust.
What next? Lots of questions.
And I have these nightmares.
These panic attacks - .
and there's no one I can talk to.
- No one? No one who listens.
I'm not with anyone, y'know, like a partner.
- My sisters treat me like a poodle head.
- Then you've got every right to be angry.
- Y'think? - Dead right! It's a fundamental human need, the need to be taken seriously.
- You're taking the piss, right? - Absolutely not.
So what is it you do? Have you ever heard of transactional dynamics? Erm People get referred to me when they're clinically overwhelmed.
You know, not coping, because modern life's hard sometimes.
So I do stress management, relaxation techniques.
I always say it's my clients that do all the hard work, I give them tools to help them on their way.
Wow! - Listen, I should leave you.
- No, it's OK.
I - It's been nice to meet you.
- And you.
And listen I really think that this is just a one-off.
Well You take care, uh? Good luck, Alice.
- Just in case If ever I needed - Yeah? .
someone to talk to, you know, like, professionally.
- Oh - I'll probably never need it.
You take care, Alice.
You've got to admit, Phil done good.
Snazzy life in London.
Shit-hot job, writing for all the wizzy-wazzy, must-read mags.
- It doesn't guarantee happiness.
- You what? - Or health.
Or fulfilment.
Or - You hate it, don't you, eh? That Phil might have done better.
How has Phil done better? I have a successful business, - a gorgeous home, a fantastic partner - Who you incidentally hijacked.
My information's better than yours.
I can assure you that was all over before the job offer came.
I did point out the advantages.
And it paid off.
It was the right move.
- For you.
- For all concerned.
Yeah? Well.
Well, stand by for the prodigal's return! - Yeah? - Guess who's coming back? Surprise me.
- Hey, Dennis! - Phil.
Well, that's certainly different.
Is it? - How long have you? - Why would you care? How we live is of no interest to you metropolitan types.
Oh, come on! Can I come in? Why not? You're only 20 years late.
Yes, we're all going, Alice.
Yes, you do have to be there.
Because it's a family thing.
Oh, for God's sake, Alice, get a grip.
It's gonna be weird seeing Phil again.
Wonder what she's like now.
Are you not curious? Why would I be curious? - Is it OK if I stay here? - Whatever.
In my old room.
Oh, yeah.
'Cause we've kept it for you.
Just the way you left it.
20 years ago.
It's my room now, my office.
OK, whatever.
Whatever works.
Did he ever say anything to you? - About? - Family? The house? I dunno.
Anything he might have wanted you to know before he died.
It was sudden.
I realise that.
So this gang, what have the police said? They haven't a clue.
- But you could identify them if you saw - Blue hoodie, black hoodie - That should narrow it down.
- But if they were responsible Them, plus 15 cans, plus 50 snouts a day, plus chronic emphysema.
He was that bad? Why didn't you let me know? Ooh, let me think.
Because you hadn't deigned to be in touch since you swanned off to Cockneyville? You and your big ideas.
Weren't we good enough for you? Too provincial? How anyone could turn their back on the guy who begot them? - Oh, yeah, like it was that simple.
- He never forgot you.
Broke him, what you did.
What you all did.
Staying away, cutting him out of your lives.
But you'll get your come-uppance.
Oh, yeah! That'll be the other harpies.
I'll save you the bother of asking.
It's mascara.
I've been wearing it for 15 years, which you'd know if you'd ever bothered to come near the place.
Who knows where it'll lead? I might have Botox, hair extensions I'm hoping Dad's left me enough in the will to at least get a facelift.
Anything else you wanna know? Great.
Welcome home.
Same old shit hole.
It's good to see you.
And you.
How are you? Wanker.
- Twat.
- Prick.
I wanna know everything.
Who are you with? - What's been happening? - You tell me.
Are you still with Kaz? - Yeah, for me sins.
- Living where? - Same old.
- Do you still go to United? Is Cantona God? - Were you there in '99? - Barcelona? Who put the ball in the Germans' net? Who put the ball in the Germans' net? Excuse me! I was under the impression we had a funeral to arrange.
OK, so how do we all wanna do this? Unbelievable! She just strolls in and takes over like she's never been away.
And Beth is just loving it.
Anything to get at me! And Dennis with that ridiculous make-up, which is sheer affectation.
But then, he always did have to be centre of attention.
So who's gonna speak? - At the funeral? - Geg me out.
And me.
Well, someone needs to say owt.
We can't just let him lie there.
- Do you wanna do it? - Do I have time to write speeches? OK, I will.
Been here five minutes and suddenly she's head of the family.
- She is? - Not this family.
Not the family she chose to abandon.
Who's the eldest? Who's held us together, who's single-handedly made us what we are? Also, someone has to tell her.
- Done.
- What? - You spoke to her - I left a message.
Asked her to call back.
- You don't think she will? - As if.
- But imagine if she came for the funeral - She won't.
- She ain't shown her face for 25 years.
- Yeah, but No! She's washed her hands of us.
As far as she's concerned, we don't exist Mum? Hey, how are you? - Told you she wouldn't wanna know.
- She said she'd try, didn't she? - She'd do her best.
- That'd be a first.
She got cut off.
Before she might actually have to start acting like a parent.
- Let's carry on as if she's not coming.
- Done.
Let's get rat-arsed.
You don't wanna see him, then? What What d'you mean? Dad? He's not here? Follow me.
Alice I have to get out.
- Are you staying here? - Till after the funeral.
- Then I'm heading back down to London.
- Oh, that's a shame.
Well, I'm moving.
Me and Dan, my partner.
We're going to New York.
Sounds great.
New city, new job.
And who knows? Starting a family.
Though I wouldn't have thought she was the maternal type.
Plus I think she might've left it a bit late.
She doesn't look in great shape for conceiving.
Too thin.
- Bryce Waghorn.
- Hiya.
It's Alice.
- I hope you don't mind me calling.
- Not at all.
How's things? You know that state I was in this morning? Well, I don't think it was just a one-off.
- So what happens now? - What me mam said.
"Keep it zipped.
" - I feel well bad.
- Tell me about it.
- We were there when he choked.
- We never even knew him.
Whose fault's that? It's them that should feel guilty.
- Never letting us see him.
- He were a knob, though.
So are you, but we don't try and freak the crap out of you.
- Not exactly a massive turnout.
- Not exactly Mr Popular, was he? Do you really think trackies are suitable for a funeral? Er, excuse me.
Have you copped the outfit on our Dennis? - Are you OK? - Mm-hm.
OK, let's not kid ourselves.
Families are hard.
Families don't always see eye to eye for reasons which don't appear obvious to everyone.
Families become estranged.
Dad wasn't perfect.
He was bigoted, stubborn, temperamental, and mean.
He bore grudges.
He drove Mum away.
He estranged himself from each of his daughters.
Out of all of us, only our Dennis hung in there, and I I want to acknowledge him for that.
I guess that makes him a better person than the rest of us.
I dispute that.
So I want to say sorry to Dad.
Sorry we couldn't hang in there too.
Sorry we never found a way to get past all the crap.
I'm not proud of myself.
I think I could've done better.
Oh, it's always about you, isn't it? - We all could've done better but - Speak for yourself.
it's too late for that now, so - .
all we can do is - Move on.
We should be grateful she didn't mention he was an alcoholic.
- Or that Mum was a pothead.
- Beth Or that Dad could belt you so hard you had tyre marks on your arse.
- Or tear lumps out your hair.
- Or lock you in the cellar.
Or take the piss of everything you cared about.
- TMl, guys! - Hm? - Too much information.
- Oh - Hi, I'm Bryce.
- Nash McKinnon.
- So where do you fit in, then? - Son-in-law.
And you? I'm Alice's friend.
I didn't know whether I should come or not, but she was keen.
- Interesting speech.
- Yeah.
I guess sometimes families just need to tell it like it is.
There's a first time for everything.
Welcome to Wonderland.
You've met Alice.
Now join the Mad Hatter's tea party.
- Sorry? - Cracking storyteller, our Al.
All the better 'cause she actually believes in fairies.
Sometimes it takes an outsider to recognise someone's special qualities.
Word of advice, mate.
Nice kid.
Do not disturb.
- Hi.
Bryce Waghorn, Alice's friend.
- Oh.
- And you are clearly the star of the family.
- No, I don't think so.
I bet Alice idolises you.
Something to do with the mother she never had.
- Did have, actually.
Until she was 17.
- Have you got children yourself? Not yet.
See, I suspect Alice finds the whole absentee thing very hard.
- She didn't even come for the funeral.
- Well, she lives in Marrakech.
- How do you think she looks? - Older.
- So you don't think she's coming back? - Anything's possible.
Beth's on her second crate.
- It'll kick off in a minute.
- You don't have to stay.
Wouldn't miss it for the world! Absolutely.
OK? - All right! It's party time! - Beth Starting with an old favourite.
True, Dare, Kiss, Command or Promise! - Everyone just ignore Beth.
- I'll go first! And I command everyone to name the first person they ever shagged.
- Joe Gillibrand! - Louise Tunstall.
- You don't have to play.
- Joel from Good Charlotte.
- What? - Or was it Nigel Mitten? - Miss Le Brun, French teacher.
- Ooh! - Eh, what about you, Al? - Oh, I'm still a virgin.
Look, I really think this is inappropriate.
- Can't you remember who yours was? - Oh, yeah, I remember perfectly.
Come here a minute.
When you've had your fun, I've got something to wipe the smile off your face.
The will.
- What? - Dennis says we're in for a shock.
- To do with this place? - Presumably Dad thought it through.
- Don't bet on it.
- Why would he take any chances? 'Cause he was an arsehole.
He wouldn't care what happened after he carked it.
- Think we should say summat? - To Dennis? What's there to say? - Y'know, if summat came to light.
- What would? It was dealt with.
- Yeah, but - We agreed.
It was dealt with.
End of.
Long as it dun't get sold.
So how much d'you think it's worth? 450? Depends who's buying.
Developer wouldn't pay more than 380.
So if I offer 360 minus my share, so I tip up 3, sell it to you for 380, - you gut it, build 8 apartments - Do you ever give up? Just junk your objections to mass production.
God, how bored am I of hearing this "small is beautiful" bollocks? Why can't you be a craftsman AND a property tycoon? I don't have the skill, sweetheart.
Hey, there you are.
I just wanna say one thing.
Steer clear of people who bring you down.
Your sisters are great but clearly they've got problems You think? You're a very special person.
You need to surround yourself with people who recognise that.
- No, but - You're crying out for care and attention.
Why else would you've made that joke? - Which? - The one about being a virgin.
It It wun't a joke.
I've just never had boyfriends.
Is that bad? D'you think I need help? Only you can know that.
You stay in touch, yeah? - Got a death wish or something? - Christ, yeah.
Don't you? - So, you going tonight? - After ten.
Miss the traffic.
- That's it for another 20 years.
- Beth - What about us? - Well, you've got Kaz and the kids No.
- You and me.
Do we not count? - You know we do.
Do you know what it was like for me when you left? I know what it was like.
It was like that for me too.
- Nah, you got over it.
- You think so? I needed you.
- I'm sorry.
- But you took the easy option.
You stayed away.
So it wasn't in your face.
You think I didn't want to come back? How could I? How could I even look him in the face? You mean Nash? After he went off with Nita? Water under the bridge, Al.
You guys going to come to New York for Christmas? Yeah, yeah, we'll be there.
Eh, Al? So is this a private do or are we all invited? Nita, why would you not be invited? So, anyway All the best.
- It was really great to meet you both.
- Yeah.
- Bye, Kaz.
- See you, Phil.
I mean it.
We'd love you to come and see us.
If I'm not pushing up dandelions.
Alice, get in.
- You don't look any different.
- But I am.
You wouldn't know me.
Phil, I'd know you anywhere.
- You and Phil didn't have much to say.
- When? - Just now.
You hardly spoke to each other.
- There wasn't much opportunity.
Wonder what she thinks of you.
How much you've changed No more writing poems and marching for world peace.
Oh, well.
People move on.
That's my mobile.
Call if there's anything I need to know.
About the will, for instance? I'm sure Dad made all the right decisions.
"People move on"? They certainly do.
Luxury homes, cushy lifestyles What about saving the planet? Where did the socialist principles go? I pay tax, Nita.
I do quality work, I pay top wages.
Well, maybe you wish you weren't minted.
Maybe you'd rather still live on a council estate and vote communist? Right now, I wish I was going to sleep.
Or maybe you wish you'd ended up with Phil.
You don't want to talk about it? Your ex, my sister, turns up after 20 years and you've got nothing to say? She'll be leaving any minute.
We'll probably never see her again.
What else needs to be said? It's your cousin Betty.
I'm sorry I couldn't make the funeral.
Give me a call if there's Who is it? I'm doing a survey for the "Eccles and Patricroft Bugle".
I'm wondering People are worried.
People are wondering if it's safe to step outside their front door.
It won't be long before they're knocking on your door.
So what's the bloody plod doing about it? Sadly very little.
All they're suggesting is that residents move to a safer area.
Ladies and gentlemen, the fun starts here.
Oh, Dad.
You crucified him.
You know that? What? That day I was on afternoons .
and when I got back, you'd gone.
Off to the Smoke.
He was destroyed.
He couldn't speak, wouldn't eat.
He was a shadow of himself from that day.
What happened? - Nothing.
- So how come you kept away? How come the next time you see Dad he's in a box? What did you do? What I needed to do in order to take care of myself, my welfare, my head.
All you, wasn't it? All about you.
God, Dennis.
You really have no idea, do you? - So, you can just walk away? - There's nothing for me here.
Oh, there is.
There's an opportunity to sack all the bullshit, and the claptrap, pretending to be something that we're not.
- I'm not pretending.
- Oh! Don't make me laugh! I know why you left.
I know what made you come back.
There's nothing for me here.
I wondered when you'd get here.
But you knew I'd come.
I'm not sure she'd approve of your visit.
That was just a courtesy call.
I appoint my son, Dennis Stanley Tyler, to be my executor.
There's no reason to suppose he knows or that he'll sell.
It just dun't bear thinking about.
To my son Dennis, in gratitude for his abiding love, support, and company over the last 20 years It's a total stitch-up.
Are we gonna let him get away with it? That woman's off her head! - Is it weird seeing Nash again? - It feels like I've never been away.
I'd love to pretend this never happened.
Pretend what happened? There comes a time for sleeping consciences to get a rude awakening.
Right, ladies.
First day.
New job.
New firm.
- It could be your biggest project.
- If he'd sell.
He could be encouraged.
Can you feel safe in your own home, - with feral gangs roaming the streets? - What feral gangs? Now what? Bloody hell! What's happening? You might be interested to know.
Dad's just died.
D'you think anyone saw us? Saw you.
I was waiting in the car.
- Can I come in? - Why not? You're only 20 years late.
The will.
According to Dennis, we're in for a shock.
I wondered when you'd get here.
You knew I'd come.
Or maybe you wish you'd ended up with Phil.
- You shouldn't be here.
- So tell me to go.
- Tell me to go.
- Go! Go! Just - It was good to see you.
- Is that it? What did you expect? Promise me one thing.
Are you wondering about your next move? Have all the family fled the nest? Is your home now more of a liability than an asset? If so, you could capitalise on your investment, get something smaller, more manageable, and have a healthy lump sum into the bargain Absolutely bloody ruthless.
Mum! It's your birthday.
You're supposed to let us do that.
Oh, I know, sweetheart, but it's easier if I do it.
I know exactly how I like things.
I'll get it.
Here's what I ordered for you to give me.
This is from you, babe.
And this is from you.
You can write your own messages.
- Happy Birthday! - Aww! - You shouldn't have.
- Bearing up.
Given that yesterday we barbecued Dad.
Beth, it's my birthday.
Do we really need to be so morbid? Hey, babe! I thought YOU might like to give me this.
But I would like to give you this.
Don't take this the wrong way, but you know I hate surprises.
Well, this is one you're gonna like.
Not that I don't appreciate the thought, it's just that I always like to know what I'm letting myself in for.
Oh, my God! Oh, wick! Oh, is this not the coolest guy on the planet?! And I had absolutely no idea what he was up to down here! - Bet that freaked you.
- What? Dad up to stuff you can't keep tabs on? We have the kind of relationship where we don't need to keep tabs on each other.
Happy Birth It's your birthdays next month.
Waste not, want not.
Ooh, cheers.
- Oh, stop! I'm gonna get all emo! - Mm? - Emotional.
- Steady, Teddie! My lovely babies.
And my groovy guy.
Y'know, I just wish we could all be a family again.
I wish Dad was still with us.
I wish Dennis wouldn't be so hostile and that Phil hadn't had to rush off.
I'll go.
Guess who didn't go after all! We hadn't done the reading of the will, so I spoke to Dan and there's no rush for me to get back, so She's staying a bit longer! How awesome is that? - Now you're here, why not stay with us? - Oh, no No, you must! After all, it's my birthday and we've got 20 years' catching up to do! OK.
- Do you still have my espresso maker? - Do you still have my Joy Division poster? If you hadn't left in such a hurry - What could I do? It was - The job you couldn't refuse.
And you didn't fancy London.
And we both agreed the break'd do us good.
And then me sister stepped in.
So, is it true that she tells people That I kicked you into touch and you fled with a broken heart? - It's a good story, it's not strictly true.
- It's not remotely true.
But she's told it so often it's become official.
Well, what's it matter? It all worked out.
You're happy, I'm happy.
Well, you should be.
My sister's really something.
She wouldn't approve of your late-night visit.
- That was just a courtesy call.
- That couldn't wait? Not after 20 years, no.
Anyway, how else was I gonna make sure you didn't do another disappearing act? - I might still do one! - You won't.
- Why's that? - 'Cause you keep your promises.
- Oh, as if! - OK.
You think he'd jeopardise everything we've created in the last 20 years? I dunno, Nita.
They were inseparable.
When she left, he didn't get out of bed for a month! And for the last three weeks of it, who was he with? Yours truly! Nothing is gonna happen.
I know how Phil operates.
She's basically an honourable person.
Now, why do I think that's not a compliment? So I play to her conscience.
I show her what a beautiful, well-ordered, perfect little world we have, and defy her to wreck it.
OK, guys, let's move! Alice? Shift, you two.
There's breakfasts want serving.
I'll see you over there.
C'mon, guys! Party's over.
Normal service is resumed.
- You want some cake? - You trying to make me fat? - So.
What are we all up to today? - Out.
I thought I'd make a few calls, have a wander about.
See what's changed.
Don't forget Dennis at half four for the will.
- How about you, babe? - Erm Well, remember that job I have? I might go and do some of that.
What about tonight? Do you fancy the game? United and Watford? What, have you got a spare? Seriously? I'd love to.
Cool! I've got the day from hell, so I won't be back till late afternoon.
Feel free to use the spa.
Be good.
- See ya.
- See ya.
So you and Dad used to shag, right? Yeah, we did, yeah.
You don't waste much time.
- What can I get you? - Bacon bap, no ketchup.
Sorry, I didn't catch that.
Which particular bit? - The "please" bit? - Beth It's all right, I'll sort this.
Hi, Dougie.
I coulda sworn I'd mentioned the dress code.
- The what? - Er, no rags.
But you've chose to ignore me.
That's brave.
- Beth, don't.
- THAT deserves some recognition.
In fact it deserves a medal.
Sorry! Guess you could call it a canteen medal! - Beth, in the back.
Alice, a cloth.
- Are you in charge? I am so sorry.
I can't imagine what she was thinking of.
- She's off her head! - All I can plead is family tragedy.
- Father just died.
It's no excuse - You're right, it's not.
- Don't say anything.
- It's a pity - Tell me about it! - .
that management were in.
What? - Oh, shit! What can I do? - Sort Beth out, then come to me.
I'll see if I can fight your corner.
What the hell is the matter with you? Aside from that fact that Dad's in a vase on Dennis's mantelpiece - and we put him there? - I'm not discussing this.
D'you know how much sleep I had? Then count baa-lambs or tap the doctor for some moggies.
And meanwhile you just carry on like nothing's happened? I have a business to run, Beth.
I have 2,000 men and 40 staff who depend on me "carrying on".
So excuse me if I don't have time for sympathy.
I'm too busy preparing to grovel to management to stand even half a chance of us not getting tipped of this site pronto, courtesy of you.
OK, who do I need to shag? Er, Nita, this is Mr Carlsson.
Sven, one of the directors.
Oh, how d'you do? He'll be dealing with the incident that's just occurred.
I'm glad you brought that up.
In cases of assault to one of our employees, we always prosecute.
Oh er Really? You imagine that perhaps we would not take such abuse seriously? No Yes! I mean, obviously you would, as would I As have I.
You have dismissed the employee in question? Well, no, not exactly dismissed.
Reprimanded sharply.
More than sharp, an official warning.
- That's it? - Yes! Well, actually, it's quite complicated.
You see I believe in the power of human beings to learn from their mistakes, Mr Carlsson.
I believe in the principles of forgiveness and compassion.
My company works with some very damaged individuals.
Deliberately so.
I seek them out because I believe in giving people a second chance.
- Interesting.
- In't it? I'd like to tell you all about our rehabilitation programme.
- We are very busy.
- One evening? - I leave tomorrow.
- This evening? Mr Carlsson's something of a football buff.
He was hoping to go to the game tonight.
Oh, really? I don't wanna give up my seat! Well, Alice, that's so selfish! Phil's not been to a game in years.
- I thought you had a ticket for her.
- Which I need for someone else.
- Yeah, but - For the business.
It's just the one game.
But it's my seat.
I always go.
It's all I have to look forward to.
And you don't think that's a bit sad? You don't think it shows an unhealthy attachment to total escapism? Well, I You should tackle that in your sessions with Brian.
- I haven't had any yet.
- Well, maybe it's time you did.
Maybe you should book one tonight.
You won't be doing anything else, will you? Hi, this is Nash McKinnon, leave me a message and I'll get right back to you.
You bastards! Mum! You said you weren't gonna be back till late! - Well, hello? Joke! - What? What d'you mean? Why aren't you laughing? - I'm Nita.
- You are SO not Lola's mum.
Room for a small one in there? - Shove up, Lo.
- What d'you mean? Well, hello? Sense of humour malfunction! Why don't I leave you guys to get decent? Hi! Didn't expect you back.
Erm, can I cadge a lift with you to Dennis's? Sure! I'll just be a sec.
I just wanna say I don't agree with this.
I don't agree and I think it's a disaster waiting to happen.
Bryce Waghorn.
- Hiya, it's - Alice! How are you? - Not great.
- Can I help at all? I dunno.
I don't think anyone can.
Try me.
I just I keep thinking about the funeral and, erm I've got to go and hear the will get read, and I was supposed to go to United but I had to give my ticket away, and - everyone else is going except me.
- You sound sad.
What's wrong with me? Why can I never say no to people? - You sound like you're in need of support.
- I am! There is a process which I think could help you.
So you and Nash never kept in touch over the years? - He must've told you we didn't.
- He never spoke about you.
After you were married and I wasn't invited No one was invited! We ran away to Mexico.
- Romantic.
- Like you can't believe! What? What? I'm glad it all worked out.
- What are you doing? - I'm not going in there by meself.
What would I talk about? Nail varnish and mascara? - You were always mean to him.
- He was always a freak! Let's get this over with, shall we? Is that? Dad? Yeah.
He wanted to be present when the will was read.
- Don't you think it's a bit - Morbid? Let me think.
To honour the parent who raised and took care of us, to place him where he always wanted to be, in the midst of his family, instead of out on a limb, marginalised, ignored.
We're more than happy to go along with his final wishes.
Well, that's good to hear 'cause here they are.
"I appoint my son Dennis Stanley Tyler to be my executor.
"To my daughter Anita Claire McKinnon I leave Treasure Treasure? What does he mean? Jewels? Does he mean money? He means that.
"To my daughter Elizabeth Joanne Sweeney I leave Pickle Ooh.
Cheers, Dad.
"To my daughter Philippa Eve Tyler I leave Arnold.
"To my daughter Alice Jane Tyler I leave Connie Aah "To my beloved former wife Eve, I leave my gold signet ring - What? - ".
my collection of gold sovereigns - Why's he leaving her something? - ".
and an annuity of £500 a year She abandoned him.
She abandoned us all.
"In acknowledgement of the happy times that we spent together before our divorce This is bullshit.
"It is my wish that Alice, as the child who knew her mother least, "be entrusted with the task of delivering to her the items herein specified - What? - I really think that's ludicrous! Like she'd have the first clue about organising something like that.
Nothing personal, Alice.
We should make an executive decision to ignore all the stuff about Mum.
"To my son Dennis ".
in gratitude for his abiding love, "support, and company over the last 20 years ".
I leave all other possessions and property, including Smyrna Grove.
" The house? No! Peruse at your leisure.
It's unbelievable! It's a total stitch-up! We're not gonna let him get away with it, are we? What's the matter with you? He's got no right! How could he do this? - 'Cause we deffed him out for 20 years? - How is that relevant? We're his family.
We're entitled to an equal share.
We should all get the house! Well? To be honest, I'm not that mithered.
Anyway what would we do with it? Sell it! Sell it and split the proceeds.
- And Dennis? - He doesn't need a house this size! At least it's still in the family.
You're willing to forego your share of the inheritance? It's just a house, Nita.
Dennis, what a snide I bet he's been planning this for years, sucking up to Dad, ingratiating himself, making us look like right shits.
We did that ourselves, Nita.
We're the ones who turned our backs.
He was a git! Dad was a totally crap parent.
- We saw him for what he was - Nita .
and Dennis didn't.
And now he's cashing in! I for one don't intend to sit here and let that happen.
Thanks, Dennis.
I'm sure we're all glad that's done with.
Now we know where we stand, we can all move on.
Thanks, Dennis.
Can you look after Connie for me? Enjoy the match.
I'm going to see Bryce.
Oh, did I leave my stoat? - D'you think Dennis knows? - That was never the deal.
- Think we should say something? - It's not up to us.
It was never up to us.
- Yeah, but if he sells - He won't sell.
- Why would he sell? It's his home.
- Yeah, but Listen There's no reason to suppose he knows and there's no reason to suppose he'll sell, so while neither possibility exists It exists, Phil.
It just dun't bear thinking about.
Y'know I think it's great you got the house.
- Yeah? - Will you stay here? Who knows? - It's a massive place for just one.
- Bit of a liability, even.
I guess you could sell, buy somewhere smaller.
More manageable? Have a healthy lump sum into the bargain? - I'm sorry, I - 'Course, I've no idea what it's worth.
- State it's in, it won't be much.
- 300 G? You'll be lucky! If you did want to sell, I've got contacts in the trade who'd get you a good price.
That's very kind of you.
We're family, Dennis! What else would I do? Ask me another.
Well, I suppose there comes a point when you just have to walk away.
Oh, yeah? Since when? - Oh - Oh, for Bryce.
Oh, yes.
Go in.
- He's marvellous, isn't he? - It's my first time.
Oh, you're in such good hands.
Anger management issues.
Believe me, I've tried everything, but Bryce Alice! - I'm sorry, I'm slightly behind.
- He gets right to the heart of it.
Till next week, then, Barbara.
Come on in.
We all know her desire From the plans that she has made - # I have her - Hope you've got clean kecks on.
They're hygiene-conscious, the Scandinavians.
- Could you be more tasteless? - Oh yeah, much more.
Oi, Wonder Boy, lend us your stick! I'm in the mood for a good twagging.
- Hiya.
- Hi.
- Tits out for the Swedes, Neet? - You're right.
Taste doesn't come into it.
- We're not together? - Nah.
She's in the posh seats.
Polite applause only.
No yobs allowed.
- I'm entertaining a client.
- Good luck.
Who needs it? Good evening! So we are up for it? Oh, er yes, absolutely! - You nervous? - Yeah.
Well, don't be.
Let me explain exactly how transactional dynamics works.
United! United! United! United! United! See what you've been missing! - 20 years, eh! - 20 years! Lot's changed.
Not him, sadly.
Stevie shaggin' Wonder's still dangling round me neck.
- Beth! - What? He can't hear.
He's got his little headies on for the commentary.
So, football is very fashionable here.
But you, of course, are an expert.
Well, I know a little.
You have a favourite player? Let me guess.
David Beckham? He doesn't play for us these days.
Oh, you noticed? Very good! So you have been a fan for how long? 33 years.
Since we got relegated in 1974.
I like to go for the underdog.
You're not in that category now.
You can't abandon your team just because they get successful, can you? So you will be in what we call an enhanced hypnotic trance, which means I will be able to work directly with your subconscious, just getting you to relax and let go of some of those negative beliefs.
Those negative beliefs which have been holding you back.
Those inhibitions, all those self-imposed limitations.
So what we're going to do is reprogramme the brain, reprogramme the neural pathways of your mind, awakening you to new possibilities and a renewed sense of self-esteem, releasing you from the power of those nightmares.
Are we ready? I thought we'd already started.
You won't know many Scandinavian footballers, I think.
- Very few have played here.
- Very few.
Olly Solskær.
Ah, yes.
- Henrik Larsson.
- Of course.
- Peter Schmeichel.
- Indeed.
- Ronny Johnsen.
- That's true.
Henning Berg, John Sivebæk, Jesper Olsen, Jesper Blomquist But as you say, apart from that, very few.
In case you were wondering, I understand the offside rule too.
Drifting drifting falling falling Deeper and deeper.
Down, down, down into the deepest depths.
Oh, for Christ's sake, Gary! What is he, a bleedin' giraffe? - Crap! - What the shaggin' hell was that? Unlucky, Wazzer.
"Unlucky, Wazzer.
" Unlucky? Goes for goal, just skims the corner flag? More like total bleedin' incompetence.
Soft cock.
What did I do to deserve that? - You wouldn't swap him, though.
- Not now.
I woulda done.
- When? - Before it happened.
I was set to give him the nudge till I got the phone call.
Twat's got into a ruck, head's caved in, got left for dead.
Where does that leave me? - Can't sack him now, can I? - C'mon, Beth.
No one is ever gonna say I binned the guy 'cause he's optically challenged! 'Course, if they ever find a cure, I'm off.
Is it weird seeing Nash again? Some ways it feels like I've never been away.
Dennis, hi! I've made a couple of calls.
You might be able to get more than we thought for the house.
Up to 260.
Oh? Sounds promising.
A couple of guys may be interested, if you want to take it further.
I'm not sure.
It's a big decision.
I'd be happy to talk it through with you, if you needed a sounding board.
OK, well How about tonight? After the match? Er well, tomorrow would be better for me.
I'll probably have had second thoughts by then.
No problem, I'll be there.
Oh, and, er it's probably not something the others need to know about.
It's happening.
Just like we knew it would.
And she has no idea what she's taking on.
You appear to be gaining the upper hand.
I do? Your team.
They are pressing hard.
Maybe that's the Scandinavian influence! And meanwhile we must arrange a time to discuss the outstanding personnel incident.
I'd like that.
To see if we can find a mutually beneficial way of working through the problem? Yes Rooney! Rooney! Rooney! Manchester United goal scored by number 8, Wayne Rooney! Oh, I'm so sorry! I get a bit carried away sometimes.
No problem.
I've gotta run.
I'm meeting a mate.
Can I see you tomorrow before I leave? Yeah, bell me.
'Scuse me, Kaz.
Come on, Rio.
What we on these days? Five grand a tackle? Counting backwards from ten, when I get to one returning to this room.
Fully awake, alive, exhilarated.
Ten, nine, eight, seven, six All your senses becoming alert.
five, four Feeling renewed and invigorated.
three, two .
What happened? Did I do it properly? How long have I been? - Nearly two hours.
- Oh, my God! You went deep.
You really opened up.
- I did? - Yeah, it was powerful work.
I mean, I sense a massive shift.
How do you feel? - Strange.
- "Strange" isn't a feeling.
Sorry? Listen to your body.
How do you feel physically? Shaky.
Happy! - Is that a feeling? - Where do you feel it? In here.
I haven't felt like this in years.
Maybe ever! God, it's weird.
I feel like I could do anything! Like I could stand up to my sisters.
Even tell Nita where to go.
Wow! I could even go after Mum! I've always wanted to do that.
Face her out.
Find out why she thought it was OK just to do one.
I'm gonna do it.
No, I am really gonna do it! That's great.
This is real progress.
Have you got any questions? Yeah.
When can I book another session? See you at home, sweetness! Missus in a good mood, you might get a jump tonight! In his dreams, mate! - Can you give me 15? - Think he'll be that quick? They're into all that tantric shite, the Swedes.
You could be there for hours.
Thank you so much.
Can you apologise to Phil an' all? - She's hopped it.
- Where? - Meeting someone.
- Anyone we know? Your guess is as good as mine.
I'll be 20 at most.
Rio! Rio! Rio! I don't believe it.
What am I reading? Oh! Snap! - Actually, Nita bought it for me.
- Oh, the girl's got taste! - So did you tell her we were meeting up? - No.
Did you? No.
Not that there's anything secretive going on.
Just a proper catch-up.
Without having to tiptoe around, minding what we say.
- In case she felt threatened.
- She shouldn't.
- Well, why would she? - Why should she? I used to think that I went for Nita because she was your sister.
Like having her would mean I still had part of you.
But it's 20 years now.
She's become more than that.
- A lot more.
- Oh, I see that.
What do you see? Well, that you're in love, that you've got a great marriage, an amazing life together, and you still shag like rabbits! Look, I didn't come here to try and resurrect things.
Even if I could, which obviously I couldn't.
Any risk of a drink? Margarita.
What? To business.
This is your contract.
This is a new contract.
Convince me I should put your name on it.
The thing about Nita You know, she's not academic.
She hasn't got your intellect, but she's got nouse, and she's got charm, and she knows how to use it.
When she puts her mind to something, she's pretty hard to resist! I'm not complaining, don't get me wrong.
Like you say, we've got an amazing life, a great marriage So great you're getting texts from Beth asking if you're up for a shag? - What? - I'm sorry, I thought it was mine.
- But it's a joke, yeah? - Yeah No.
Look I love Nita.
Beth loves Kaz.
That's kind of why we do it.
- What? - So it's safe.
So we don't wreck our marriages.
It's just sex, Phil.
We help each other out sometimes.
And why do you need helping out? Beth I understand.
I can see that she's a bit disenchanted with Kaz.
But you? I mean, Nita can't keep her hands off you! Come on, how much sex d'you need? Nita and me haven't had sex since 1989.
We're efficient, we're competitive, we offer value for money, and we invest in people as well as product.
But at the end of the day, that's not why you should use us.
I'm why.
I'm approachable.
I'm adaptable.
I'm available 24/7 to discuss your requirements.
And if I were to sign this contract, I would need assurance of that availability.
Is she getting it elsewhere? I'm getting it elsewhere.
Beth mostly.
Girl who works for one of me suppliers.
Trips to Amsterdam, Barcelona.
But I'm discreet.
Nobody needs to know.
I do what I need to do.
And Nita? What does she need to do? What's she getting elsewhere? What is it? Are you ill? What's happening? See, I think Nita's got a problem.
It's all out there, the eyes, the tits, the teeth, to keep the guys at bay.
And it works.
They gawp from a distance, but up close she scares the shit out of them.
Please, you mustn't distress yourself.
I thought I understood but obviously there's been some confusion.
- Have some water.
- No, I need to go.
But you're unwell.
Let me drive you home.
- Just let me out.
- But the contract - It doesn't matter.
- But I insist.
You must allow me to sign.
Please? And then we agree we need take this no further? - Please? - I'll think about it! Well? Get a result? The things I do for you.
What we doing? You said we were going home.
I just remembered I need to pick something up from Dennis's.
Right, I won't be a tick.
Ooh, for! Cheers, Dennis! What's a heart attack between family members? It's none too pleasant, I can assure you.
Shit, that's not what I meant.
- What you doing here? - Er, Nita's come to fetch summat.
Are you coming in, or is my house not good enough for you? - I can come back if it's not a good time.
- It's now or not at all.
Come on.
Come on! Go on.
Go on.
I'll just see to these.
Come on.
You didn't have to come in.
You could've sat in the car.
Does that have to sit there? Christ, it spooks me out.
It's like he's still around.
- Look at this place.
He's everywhere! - It's not normal.
Dennis should just let go.
He should get on with his life, and so should you.
D'you think I don't want to? That I wouldn't love to pretend this never happened? Pretend what happened? There.
It's that easy! D'you even care? Do you actually have a conscience? Well? Do you? Can't say I'm totally convinced about this.
Y'know what? Yeah.
Yeah, I do.
And it's made its point.
The night it all happened, my conscience was wide awake and very vocal.
Now it's had its say.
Now it can go back to sleep.
I hate to tell you, sis, but there comes a time for sleeping consciences to get a rude awakening.
- We should go.
Dennis is obviously busy.
- Ace.
Let's do one.
OK, I've been giving it some thought and the answer's "yes".
We can talk about this another time.
No need, I've decided.
Let's set the ball rolling! What ball? Hasn't she told you? I'm selling up.
You're kidding! So I thought, if I get some valuations done You are joking? - You can't actually get rid of this place.
- Can't I? Well It's Dad's house! It's where we were born, where we grew up! Happy days! - Dennis, it's your home! - It is but don't we all have to move on some time? No! No, we don't! - If you can recommend a good surveyor - I'll make some enquiries.
Oh Life must go on! I just don't think it's what Dad would've wanted! It's a bit late to start worrying about that.
Eh? Come on, then.
You been talking about this with him? - Behind our backs? - He asked me for advice.
- Advise him to stay! - If he wants to sell - He can't! It'd be a disaster! - What d'you mean? For him! Wrong time, too soon.
He's still grieving.
Since when did you get so sensitive? - You know, I just think we owe him! - Why? If it weren't for us, there'd be no house to sell, - or will to sort, or urn sat on the table.
- Stop! - Aren't you being a bit melodramatic? - No! You don't think the thing to do now is not overreact? - Fat chance! - Think things through.
- Oh! - By all means, have a plan.
What plan? We just snuffed the old man! - No, Beth.
- We snuffed him.
We may not have pulled the trigger, but we loaded the gun! What PLAN was going on there? Did you PLAN that an' all? No.
Of course not! You don't know me, but you should take my advice.
It's time to move on.
Put the house on the market, or things are gonna get really unpleasant round here.
You see, if it was me, I'd be planning elsewhere.
I'd extricate me nose from Dennis's arse, I'd stop making plans about other people's houses, and I'd turn me attention to me husband and his ex and what THEY might be planning! I don't get it.
If you've not had sex since 1989, how come you've got 16-year-old twins? IVF.
You're joking! Nita wanted kids.
That was always part of the grand plan, but when you're not having sex, it's gonna be a bit tricky, so we went the lab way.
Nita in stirrups, with her legs in the air, me next door with a pile of wank mags.
Except I didn't need them.
What? I used my imagination.
And d'you know what it was? Who I thought of as I was jerking off into a test tube? - I don't need to know - How does it feel, Phil? To know you had a hand in creating my kids? Y'know I always thought we'd have a kid together.
Look, erm something's come up.
I just, er I need to hang around a little bit longer.
It's all under control.
It's all under control.
It's all under control.
It's me! It's all right! Sorry, I didn't mean to make you jump.
- You're shaking.
- I'm fine.
- You sure? - Absolutely! - So where did you get to tonight? - I just met some old mates for a drink.
- How was the game? - Yeah, we got a result.
Yeah? I tell you what would make me happy.
To walk out of this shit hole and never come back.
- You're in denial about your issues.
- My family IS the issue.
We've got a problem.
- Are you comfortable ripping off family? - I am.
There can't be any proceeds.
There can't be any sale, Beth.
Come on! Footage from the day me dad died.
Lucky Phil.
Phil left and I stayed.
- She's no idea of the things I notice.
- Yeah? What kind of things? Look and learn, kiddo! Look and learn! You should go, Beth.
If it weren't for that night, I'd probably still be here.
Guess who didn't go after all? To my son Dennis, I leave all other possessions including Smyrna Grove.
You think he'd jeopardise everything we've created together? I dunno, Nita.
I feel I could do anything.
I could stand up to my sisters.
I could even go after Mum.
I'm getting it elsewhere.
Beth, mostly.
It's just sex, Phil.
It's all under control.
If you ever sell, I'll get you a good price.
- That's very kind of you.
- We're family.
I always thought we'd have a kid together.
We're his family.
We're entitled to an equal share.
We should all get the house.
C'mon on, then! C'mon! What've I done to deserve you? Hey.
I got a little job for you.
What are you? I didn't expect - Was someone with you? - Where? When? Just now? I thought I saw No.
There's no-one here.
There's only me.
I could've sworn I saw Nobody ever comes here, that's why I come.
- I think I need to get some more sleep.
- Yeah.
- Dennis, hang on.
- I need to get home.
I was thinking, since I'm here Somebody sounds healthy.
Yeah, any luck, it'll be terminal.
Hey, don't forget Phil's calling in on her way back to London.
Oh, Phil's on her way back to London? Well, lucky Phil.
Who's somehow managed to cobble together a halfway-decent life, while dickhead here got stuck with a stick insect and two skive-a-delic brats.
And how did that happen? I'll tell you how it happened.
Phil left.
Phil left, and I stayed.
Advanced life-form! Welcome! Enter.
Abandon all hope.
Kids at school? Lozzing round the precinct, getting lashed, more like.
Wonder Boy's in his den, plotting the overthrow of Third World sweat shops and the Big Mac.
Works for some wanky environment agency.
- How does he? - Talks to his computer.
Computer talks back.
Surprised it an't died of boredom.
So This is you back to London.
Actually, no.
I thought I might hang on for another couple of days.
- Can I kip here? - Nita turfed you out? Why would she do that? I know how to behave.
- Yeah, does he? - I hope so.
Unless you know different.
Why would I? Well, since you're here we've got a problem.
Are you OK? - I need to get home.
- 'Cause you know what's weird? All those years we weren't in touch, and now it's like none of it ever happened.
- Mm.
- Oh, and by the way, you know you mentioned finding a surveyor? Well, guess what? - So, what is it she's up to? - She'll be after something.
Share of the proceeds? There can't be any proceeds.
There can't be any sale.
This has gotta be nipped in the bud, Beth.
First we need to find out exactly what her game is.
- We'll get in, you grab a pinny.
- She won't mind? Buckshee pair of hands? Are you kidding? Trans-ac-tional dy-namics.
- Sounds, er - Different? Bryce calls it the most important mind-tool of the century.
Lo, Nancy, this is me kid sister, Phil.
You know, the one that writes.
- The one that lives in London? - And about to move to New York! And, hey, we're not jealous, are we? - You after a job? - She dun't have the skills! Shouldn't let that put her off.
Bryce says we underestimate ourselves - Yeah - He thinks if we could let go of our self-limiting beliefs Bryce is going the right way to getting his gob chubbed in! If someone had said two weeks ago, you'll go looking for your mum.
- The one that lives in Magaluf? - Marrakech.
So can I have her number? - Well, I - She dun't have it.
- What? - Mum changed her phone, didn't she? We'll have to wait till she rings with the new number.
- Have you got an address? - Somewhere.
Can you find it? Then I can write to her tonight.
What's all this? Pitching in? Feel free.
Hopefully it'll keep you out of mischief.
- D'you have a minute? - Half.
It's just that I want to talk to you about something.
Oh, excuse me.
What happened last night? - What d'you mean? - With Sven? He was meant to be leaving today.
Now he's stopping on.
And? You're wanted.
Look, I know why I'm here.
You probably think, given what happened last night, that you had no other choice but to sign the contract, but I always have choice.
It's a good contract.
Good for us.
Good for you.
- But there are other contracts.
- I don't expect you to consider me.
You don't? The new Arena? A massive project for you .
and for us, if we'd got it, but as far as I'm concerned, it's gone.
I'm sorry to hear that.
I was hoping you would allow me to introduce you to our managing director, who is responsible for making all Arena decisions.
Oh! Well I That's Twelve o'clock tomorrow afternoon? The Hilton? Yes! Nita gone? Nita has "five other sites all requiring her attention", thank you! - We'll have to catch her later.
- D'you mind if I go? I've got Bryce.
Can I have it? - Mum's address? - Oh "Poste Restante, Marrakech, "Place 16 Novembre.
" - Wow, just think! - What? Well, imagine if she came home.
Imagine if we became a family again.
Unlikely, given Dad's sat granulated in a pot on Dennis's sideboard! Oh, yeah.
John, just leave it there, will ya? - What are you doing?! - It's a poste restante.
It's not an address.
It's like a post office.
You send a letter, and if it's not picked up in 30 days, they sling it.
And what are the chances of Mum picking up within 30 days? You're a journalist, you pick up your messages.
You must have got mine.
C'mon, Phil We both know there's a conversation to be had.
So, c'mon, tell us about Dan the Man! Oh.
What d'you wanna know? Dan's American, works for an investment company, likes baseball, plays guitar, runs marathons, hates gardening, loathes Bush and wants kids.
- Got any piccies? - I'm crap at that stuff.
But he's fit? Like you can't believe! So, you've been noticing some changes.
- Well, er - Are you feeling more grounded? That's white starflower tea.
It's high in antioxidants.
So after our last session you were exhilarated, energised, connected.
I said that? You don't remember? That's interesting.
What is? Your intellectual and your emotional intelligence is very highly developed, but your mind's telling you otherwise.
Y'know what? I think we should make a start straightaway, - while you're still in a state of denial - No! Sorry? I think I'd like to talk, actually.
Y'know, before we get going? I've been thinking a lot about my family, about my mum, and I'd really like to talk about it.
Go ahead.
- So, just to confirm.
Rough estimate.
- 380 gee, minimum? Got it.
'Course, it won't be easy to leave.
Given that this is our family home.
Oh, but when it's the right time Don't we all have to move on eventually? - What's in here? - Oh, it's just a junk room.
I'll see if I can run the key to ground some time.
This bloke I've been talking to, he said he'd be willing to offer 280.
- How much? - But I said forget it.
I said there's no way it'll go for less than two 295.
Well, it sounds all right to me.
I don't think that's right.
He's family, Nita.
- Can you be comfy with ripping him off? - I can.
I agree, we're family.
Which is why I shouldn't have to be forking out for something which by rights is partly mine.
She was so pretty.
I wanted to be her when I grew up.
Dad worshipped her.
I'm I'm not sure she was very nice to him.
She drank a bit, smoked.
Weed, I think.
She had this look in her eye sometimes, like she wan't really there.
And half the time she wasn't.
- Your tea's getting cold.
- She kept disappearing.
First it was days.
Then weeks.
Then months.
People'd say it was other men, but Dad wouldn't believe it, and neither would I.
- And then one day she went.
- Alice, your tea? She never came back.
- Alice, I think we should move on - I don't want to! I'm sorry.
It's just that .
I've never talked about this stuff before and I really want to carry on.
Obi-Wan's still at it.
- Beth! - Well, he's so bleedin' wise, in't he? Mr Chilled.
Does he ever lose it? Does my head in.
You don't look good, Beth.
So what? He can't see me! How does it work, that? You know, the two of you? You OK? Mm, we're cool.
Give or take the odd away goal.
- What, you mean you? - Yeah.
- Does he know? - There's gotta be benefits to living with Braille Boy.
And what the eye don't see - Don't go sick.
- What's this? His report.
Yeah, that's funny.
That really cracks me up.
Predicted grades E, E, E, E.
'Cept in woodwork.
Well done, kiddo.
All set to leave school without a pass to your name.
- Just like you did.
- Yeah, that's right.
Like I did! Look what I've achieved.
An existence of pointlessness, devoted to the Holy Grail of lung cancer, heart disease, and liver failure.
Look and learn, kiddo.
Look and learn! - I think you should go, Beth.
- Oh, here he comes.
Return of the Jedi! - Phil, can you take her out? - If she's happy - Does she look happy? - Mum, just go, please.
Tell you what would make me happy.
To walk out of this shithole and never come back! Is she always like this? Friday, innit? She gets paid.
She needs an excuse to get out the house so she can justify staying in The Sawyers till closing.
- Are you scared of her? - Wouldn't you be? 'Cause then I'd be, what? 13? It was May '83, 'cause we'd just won the Cup.
But that can't be right.
- We need to move on.
- I remember this song.
La, la, la, la, your dreams are china in your hand - But that means it was later.
- Alice, I have to be honest Don't wish too hard because they may come true But you can't have That was '87, and I know she left in '83.
- I'm disappointed.
- What? This refusal to engage with the process.
- What d'you mean? - You're in denial about your issues and you've kept talking to avoid starting the hypnotic descent.
Excuse me, but I think my family IS the issue.
Anyway, I thought you lot couldn't wait to get us talking about the past.
If you're not willing to trust the process I never said that.
- Maybe you'd better find another therapist.
- What? No.
Look, I'm sorry, I didn't mean Obviously you're the expert, I just I thought it was important.
My instinct is that you would be better suited to conventional therapy.
Transactional dynamics isn't for everyone.
Especially those with trust issues.
Wh? I don't have trust issues.
I wish you well, Alice.
When you went, it all turned to shit.
- Beth.
- With you gone, it's like - what's the point? - Look, maybe you should stop.
I worshipped you.
I worshipped you.
I even wanted to be ya.
We all did, even Nita.
You know you were up there with Debbie Harry and Yoda! Yeah, I know.
And I hated it.
I didn't wanna be the in-house hero.
Every time there was an argument or a crisis: where's Phil? She'll fix it! No, ta.
That job in London? It was about the fifteenth I'd applied for.
I was gagging to leave, I couldn't wait to get out, I was planning it for years.
I just never had the nerve.
Till that night.
Perfect excuse.
If it weren't for that night, I'd probably still be here.
Nah Nah.
This place was never gonna be enough.
You were always gonna need more.
Well I need it an' all.
Get me out of here! - You working tomorrow? - Half day.
You? I've got this thing with Dougie.
Then I might nip round and see how Dennis is.
We're building a good relationsh Oh, my God! - What is it? - Out there! Well, what am I looking at? It was Dad.
- What? - I saw Dad.
Over there, in the road.
Nita, is it surprising? He's gonna still be around.
- What? - Not literally, but the thought of him.
- He won't go away with all this guilt shit - What guilt? Babe, you didn't see him for 20 years.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, I do feel bad.
But not that bad! Not so I'd see something that wasn't there.
- Nita - He was there, Nash.
He was there.
OK, Nita, it's all right.
He was there.
I- I didn't realise.
- Beth asleep? - Snoring for England.
You know what she calls me? Bane.
As in "bane of her life".
Hey, you can't blame her.
If it weren't for these, we wouldn't be here.
- Not true.
- Is too.
Think about it.
Before it happened, was we together? Just rucking mates.
Did United, home and away, fought together, but afterwards She blames herself Phil.
Thought I only started fighting to keep her company.
- And did you? - She was a headcase.
You know that.
Someone had to keep an eye on her.
So when it happened? Hey, what a night.
Coming home from an away game.
Kicks off as usual and I get split from the rest of the crew.
Lying low, waiting for the all-clear, this, er this gang jumps me.
In there.
First thing Beth knows, I'm in the ambulance with half me skull missing.
Jesus, Kaz.
Still, had its compensations.
- What? - Beth.
Felt so bad about it, she kept coming to visit.
Hey, I still miss the care packages.
Meat and potato pie, "Red Issue", two cans of Boddies and a Double Decker.
But, er when I left hospital, she was there.
When they told me I wouldn't see again, she was there.
Saw me through physio.
Ended up she saw so much of me, we might as well have been wed so we made it official.
Kaz, why did you ask me to come here? You're the only one who might knock some sense into her.
Phil, what are we doing? You know what I want.
You want it too.
Why are we playing games? You know what I want.
You want it too.
Why are we playing games? Today's the day.
The Great Escape starts here.
Pack in here, leave a note for the kids.
We'll be in London before they've sussed.
Dad's right.
What're you doing, you little dick? - Give it back, you tosser - Prick.
Ey, ey, ey, ey, ey.
Yes? All right, mate? What's happening? Joking.
Well, I can ask.
Er, two spares for United-Liverpool this afto at Anfield? - No, ta.
- You don't wanna go? - I'm busy.
- I'll have them.
When will we get the chance again? It'll be like the old days.
You and me, side by side.
- # I see the Stretford End a-rising - Not me.
- # I see there's trouble on the way - No.
Don't go out tonight Unless you're red and white - # I see there's trouble on the way # - All right! Yay.
Dev's, mate.
Yeah, we'll take the tickets.
So, may I introduce Mr and Mrs Haslam.
There's a Mrs Haslam? Tanya, Vincent.
May I introduce Nita McKinnon? My God, you've got the new Marc Jacobs.
Where did you get that? I want one.
Oh, and I love the colour.
Who does it? I need that number now.
I was thinking of going a bit more auburn, like, with a hint of plum.
Now wait till you see the view from this side of the building.
It is amazing.
Just looking in to see if anyone fancied a few scoops.
- Me and Phil's off to the match.
- Catch yous later.
Behave yourself.
You know me.
I've got a fridge full of ale if you fancy helping me out.
I'm in.
Very impressive.
- Er, Nita? Do you have a minute? - Mm-hm.
I used to cater.
That was before I met Vinny.
Now look where that's got me.
So tell us about your rehabilitation programme? My what? Nita feels very strongly about giving a second chance to the disadvantaged.
The disenfranchised, the less-socially-adept - Beth - Oh.
I do .
think it's important to give something back to the community.
Mm, so do I.
I give all my old Manolos to Sue Ryder.
You seemed to have charmed my colleagues.
They claim you can deliver your fast food fry-ups to the masses.
But the Arena'll be a different story.
Oh, yes.
A lot of executive catering required.
So, the big question is, can you move up a notch? Try me.
All right.
I need a six-course, fully-staffed, fully-catered executive luncheon for 20 next week.
Oh and all for less than a tenner a head.
No problem.
Ah, this is the life.
Changed round here, though.
20 years? I hardly recognise it.
Nah, me neither.
Don't do away games.
- Since when? - Since Kaz got splattered.
Fuckin' seats.
Don't you just hate sittin'? It's unnatural.
So's that.
I mean, what is this? A garden party? In the old days only the hardcore did away games.
Now it's all skirts, handbags and hip flasks.
Bloody day-trippers.
They should sit an exam, and anyone who can't name the '68 Cup-winning team shouldn't be allowed through the turnstile.
Too right.
It's gone, Phil.
The old days.
It's all changed.
Glad to see you haven't.
Come on you reds.
Come on you reds.
Come on you reds.
- Come on, boys.
- Go reds.
Your ball, O'Shea.
Get after it, man.
Wake up, Heinze.
It's pronounced Ain-tze.
C'mon, reds, we can do these.
Did you see that.
Get off, Vidic, you're a disgrace.
It's Fletcher, mate.
D'you even have a clue what you're watching? We'll never die We'll never die We'll never die We'll never die We'll keep the red flag flying high 'Cause Man United will never die Go on Ronnie, skin him.
Skin him.
- Don't dick around.
Get in the fuckin' box.
- Whack it.
Hard luck, kid.
Good effort.
You couldn't hit Morrison's at five yards.
I've had this.
Why are you here? Yeah, you.
Why are you here? I'm here to be entertained, sweetheart.
That's what I've paid for, - and that's what I expect.
- That's what the game's become.
"Entertained"? What is it, a pantomime? It's not about entertainment.
You can say that again, love.
It's about being here week in, week out, rain, shine, getting behind 'em, singing your hearts out.
Not paying your Sky subs, and thinking they owe you a result.
You know what? This game's dead.
It's dead, it's been hijacked and re-packaged for day-tripping, glory-hunting, prawn-munching wankers.
Look, d'you mind? We didn't come here to listen to language like that.
- This is a family day out.
- Oh, oh, oh.
You want a family day out? Piss off to Alton Towers.
And take dickhead with you.
That's it.
I'm calling a steward.
Leave it.
Over here.
" Come on, then, mate.
Come on.
Let's see if your bottle's as big as your gob.
- Come on! Come on! - Come on, Vinny.
Come on.
Quality, love.
Absolute quality.
Go on.
Better make a move.
Might as well stay.
Get proper lashed.
- Still be here by the time the girls get back.
- Well.
That's the idea, innit? That's why you're here? - You reckon? - Mate, I'm blind, not daft.
Tell me about it.
People see a white stick, they underestimate.
My wife underestimates.
She has no idea of things I notice.
- Yeah, what kind of things? - For a kick-off, I know she plays away.
So have you any idea who? What am I? Psychic? Y'know, maybe, and I could understand how this would happen, maybe there's a an element of paranoia.
- You know, vivid imagination, all that shit? - Possibly.
What I do know is Beth worships you - Hey, steady.
- She may do little to show it, but it's there.
In that case, why did she take a suitcase out the wardrobe this morning and start packing? Oh, hello.
What's going on here? You know what's going on.
- Oh, do I? Could be I fancy a bar of it.
- Beth.
Mind it, lads.
Head-the-ball coming through.
We could use someone of her calibre.
Show me the scum and I'll show you me boot.
- Ey, ey.
What you doing? - You know what I'm doing.
- Are you crazy? - I know how to look after meself.
Come on, then.
Come on, then.
- I wouldn't stop there if I were you.
- Save it, mate.
It's gonna go off and you don't wanna be there.
I've been there since 1979.
I know how to look after meself.
Just do yourself a favour, sweetheart.
Piss off.
Who d'you think you're talking to? I don't run.
Eh, is that the best you can do? A fuckin' granny? Who you callin' a granny? I'll give you fuckin' granny.
Come on, then, ya bastards.
Let's have it.
- Now.
- Come on! - Come here, Scouse! - All right, Gran.
- Let's see what you've got.
- Fuckin' dead, you are.
Hey, bring it, don't sing it.
Stand still, shithouse.
Oi, come on.
Come and catch me if you've got the pace.
Go home, Gran.
Ah, did you see that? Did you see it? Yeah, it looked painful.
It was fuckin' sensational.
You shoulda been there.
It was just like the old days.
The rush, the buzz.
I could feel the old ticker going, blood pumping.
Do you remember that? You feel like you're invincible.
But you weren't, Beth.
You got twatted.
That's not the point.
The point is, I was there.
And it hadn't changed.
It was just like I remembered.
- Oh, God, I've missed it.
- No way.
Phil, there isn't a day when I don't still long for it.
Nothin', nothin' before or since has ever made me feel so fuckin' alive.
Beth? What is it? What you doing? Beth What is it? Beth? Beth.
Beth! Beth! Beth.
What is it? Oh.
What? What? Here? Where? Beth? He come out.
They were here.
They were waiting for him.
- It was my fault.
- It wasn't your fault.
He was never into it.
He only came along for the ride.
If it wasn't for me, he wouldn't' have been here.
It's not your fault.
You got split up.
There was nothing you could've done.
Oh, there was.
I could've stopped it.
We could've all gone home.
But I was boiling.
I had blood on me face, in me mouth.
I went looking for 'em.
I wanted to make them pay for what they'd already done to us.
Oh, Jesus.
I thought you were them.
I thought you were them.
When they found him he was barely breathing.
His head was caved in.
"Multiple contusional haemorrhages at both occipital lobes.
" "He won't make it" .
they told me.
"He'll be brain-damaged.
" He wasn't.
Everything came back.
Except his sight.
To this day no one knows it wasn't the Scouse.
I've never spoken to anyone about it.
But I pay for it.
Every day.
I don't know what Beth's thinking of.
If she did leave, where would she go? Her fancy man? Whoever he is.
- I can't see it, somehow.
- Me neither.
So how long is Phil staying? Long as it takes.
Whatever she's here for.
Which is? You don't know? Well, I gather she found ours a bit claustrophobic.
She didn't say.
- So, why do you think she's here? - Beth asked her? I asked her.
I want her opinion.
See, something's eating Beth.
I've known it for years.
Half the time she's bladdered, the other half she's on fire.
Phil coming back's my lucky day.
If anyone can sort Beth, Phil can.
Well, what if she can't? There's a rucksack by the front door, ready to go.
With MY stuff.
I want you to give me another chance.
- Don't make this difficult.
- I was out of order.
- It won't happen again.
- Please I'm ready to do the work.
- Look, I'm sorry, but - Promise.
I won't say another word.
You said you had something to show me? Sh shall we start? Take your time.
Finish your tea.
So, I'm assumin' it's you who wants to buy the house.
Well Yes.
But with one proviso.
There's no need for Phil, Beth and Alice to know.
Or Nash.
I'd like this to be a private deal between ourselves.
Now You probably didn't notice that on the front of the house there's a couple of security cameras.
Oh? Really? I'd no idea.
No reason why you should.
But believe me, they've come in very handy.
You are descending, you're descending deeper.
Deeper still, you are incredibly relaxed.
All your inhibitions are just falling away.
You're relaxing further.
Opening up.
Opening wide, opening wider.
Wide open.
You are completely unaware of everything that is going on around you.
Can you hear me, Alice? So, here we are.
Footage from the day me dad died.
- Oh? - Mm.
I think you'll find it interesting.
I'll just check on the dogs.
Alice? Alice, can you hear me? - Alice, I was just - What's happening? - You were dreaming.
- No, I saw it.
It was real.
- You're imagining - No.
- It happened.
There was screaming.
- That was you.
It wan't me.
I saw it, I heard it.
What? I don't know.
Shapes, people.
- Two people.
- Two people? People that you recognise? No.
I couldn't see.
I don't know what it was.
What was it? Your imagination.
It felt totally real.
- That is good.
- How is it good? That shows your psyche is starting to explore.
It's starting to express itself kinesthetically, to manifest your underlying issues in the form of dreams.
But it was horrible.
It was scary.
Sometimes that's what happens.
Next time I'm gonna need to take you deeper.
- Will that make a difference? - I guarantee it.
Nice going, Alice.
It's big work.
Any thoughts? What d'you reckon? Anyone we know? It could be anyone.
- You gonna tell him? - What? That it was me mushed his bonce? Oh, yeah.
Why not? He'll leave.
You're leaving him.
One of these days.
Cab for McKinnon.
Still at it? Thought we'd wait up for you.
Phil's gone up to bed.
Your joe's here.
Great timing.
- Well, cheers, pal.
- Any time.
- Yeah? - Can I see you tomorrow? So, what about you? What about me? Where are you off to? Bed, dickhead.
Where else? So, I'm thinking, those "spares", bit of a coincidence.
- Yeah? - Two tickets to Liverpool.
Last away game she ever went to? Thought it might do her good to spend some time with you.
- Get out there again.
- Out there again? Or THERE again? Phil I have no idea what happened today.
What happened today is, we found it.
The place, the tunnel.
Oh, and I planned that, did I? Obviously not.
But you must've known what going there to Anfield, - what that might do.
- Thought it might jog her mind.
Why would you wanna do that? Case you hadn't noticed, I'm responsible for wrecking her life.
She thinks I held her back.
Actually blames me for getting injured.
- She doesn't mean it.
- Still, I guess it lets her off the hook.
- For gegging you in with all the fighting? - No.
For personally caving my skull in.
Luckily I'm a forgiving soul.
But how how did you? Aftershave.
She always wore it.
And she threw up.
I've heard her chunder enough to know that signature tune.
And before I passed out, I heard her voice.
- God, Kaz - What surprises me is not that she did it, she was psycho, she was always twagging somebody, but she's never, in all these years, had the guts to admit it.
Till today.
Well, there's a result.
The rucksack in the hall? Yeah, I do that sometimes.
Get set to bail out.
That way, if I stop, it's, erm by choice, not default.
I don't even know how you stay.
Look, I-I love the girl, but we both know she's a nightmare.
I'm sure you could've found someone more What? Sympathetic? Kinder? Kindness and sympathy.
Numbers one and two on my "Don't Want" list.
- OK, but - No peepers, not great, but 20 years back, if someone said, here's the deal: without her and see, or with her and blind? Hey, gimme the white stick any time.
You still love her.
Always will.
Simple as.
Which dun't mean I don't occasionally give the old rucksack an airing.
So this was it? The job you got me in for? Yeah, you can go now.
Unless you've another to do? I might, actually.
That executive dinner? Next week, 20 people, pull it off and I get the contract, yeah? He wants to bring it forward to five o'clock today.
I'm calling about Alice Tyler.
I understand you've been subjecting her to some unorthodox methods.
- When do the others arrive? - Which? The extra help we need if there's any chance of delivering what you've just said.
- So, when can I see you? - As soon as.
I've had another offer for the house.
No-one knows you're selling.
From who? Someone needs to talk about that.
It is happening.
It's all happening, Phil.
and you'd better wake up to the idea.
I feel safer with you behind the scenes.
Why didn't you tell me you were outside dad's house the night he died?