True Dare Kiss (2007) s01e04 Episode Script

Episode 4

1 What happened last night with Sven? I was hoping you'd allow me to introduce you to our managing director.
Kaz, why did you ask me to come here? You're the only one who might knock some sense into her.
I need a six-course executive luncheon - for less than a tenner a head.
- No problem.
Let's see if your bottle's as big as your gob.
My wife underestimates.
She has no idea of the things I notice.
Footage from the day me Dad died.
Can I see you tomorrow? Mum? Hey, guys, who wants some chow? D'you know what that means? - Er, hello? Fodder? Nosebag? Nosh? - Thanks.
What? You might wanna choose your words more carefully Unless you're actually offering oral sex.
- Hey, if everyone else is up for it?! - Oh, God.
Oh, I forgot, I'm a parent.
What would I know about muff-diving? Wassup, Dougie? You sitting down? Yeah.
Just had a call from Haslam.
That executive dinner? Next week, 20 people, pull it off and I get the contract, yeah? He wants to bring it forward.
To five o'clock today.
- It's a wind-up.
- Piss-take.
It's like, totally Ml, right? "Mission Impossible"? Obviously.
Which is obviously the point.
Venue unseen.
Up against the clock.
Can she deliver? Nita Guys, how would you like to earn a shed-load of bees? Nothing you could offer would make it worth my while.
20 squids and Magda'll clean your room? - 30 and she does my Biology coursework.
- Deal.
Arlo? What can I offer you? - I'm sure I can think of something.
- You're doing it.
You couldn't afford me.
Who's next? Whatever you're selling, no.
40 quid, crate of Boddies, and two days off in lieu? Unbelievable! Bit of keg, a few shraps and she thinks she can hijack me day of rest? That'll be a yes, then.
Dennis can't sell up.
Someone needs to talk him out of it.
Someone? Or me? - Why d'you think I'm still here? - The Ex Factor? - What's he on about? - "What's he on about?"! It's the eyesight's gone pluto, Beth, not the ears or the nous.
I'll leave you ladies to it.
He knows.
What? More than he lets on.
And he's right about you and Nash.
You owe him some explanations.
- Do I? - Mm.
Why you left.
Yeah, like I'm really gonna tell him! Not all of it, obviously.
But in't it time he knew it wan't just about him? What she offer you? 30 quid, a tomato plant and gratitude.
- Hiya.
- Hiya.
- Notice she didn't ask you.
- Couldn't.
I'm on a mission, remember? Oh, yeah.
Just the one? Oh! I thought you'd be someone else.
Who? - A potential buyer, actually.
- Oh, really.
Why d'you think I've never had a boyfriend? - Can't imagine.
- D'you think it's weird? Erm, no.
Not in your case.
I suppose I've never really been fussed about lads.
- Mm.
- Couldn't see myself getting involved.
But now I think "Yeah, why not?" - If it was the right person.
- He dun't exist, Al.
I think he might.
Dream on.
- Oh, I do.
All the time.
- Mm.
- All kinds of dreams.
- Mm.
Yeah, you don't say.
Dreams are important.
Bryce says we should always pay attention to dreams.
The one this morning Well, I think it was important.
Well, Bryce says everything's important.
He says we should always look for the hidden agenda.
So, in the dream, it's like I was her.
I was Mum, collecting the letter I wrote, asking her to come home.
- Collecting it where? - Marrakech.
That's where I sent it.
That post restaurant-y place Phil gave me.
- I think I should tell Bryce.
- Mm.
He said to let him know if there's any developments.
How likely is that? Let me in, for Christ's sake! She's pecking me head in.
I were just telling her about this dream I had.
45, clear course six, and serve coffee, liqueurs and petits fours.
- Any questions? - When did you realise you'd lost the plot? - Next? - When do the others arrive? Which? The extra help we need if there's any chance of delivering what you've just said.
That's the difference between us.
- You see a problem, I see a challenge.
- No.
The difference is I have a conscience, you take the piss.
You expect people to do you a favour on shit wages.
I wouldn't ask.
That's why I have a turnover of half a million, and you're frying bacon.
OK, guys, pinnies on.
Wow! She's hardcore, your mum.
Don't even think about being impressed.
Building bridges.
Making amends.
All so easy.
20 years too late.
I just thought if we could go out for a drink, just you and me? I don't do out.
- Since when? - Since you nobbed off, and I stayed in to mind head-the-ball.
- I know what that must've been like - Do ya? Every day? Watching him shrivel? Pining for the Marrakech trollop? Letters that never arrived, kids that never visited, grandkids he's never even seen! He deserved better.
OK? You deserved better.
- Like you give a shit? - I do, actually.
I wasn't happy leaving you to deal with him, but at the time it seemed What? What did it seem? Like the only option.
Do you ever hear from her? Do you know what? No.
Apparently it's only you she keeps in touch with.
Just the odd postcard.
Well, aren't you the favoured one? As far as we were concerned, she might as well not exist.
Valium? You need THIS? No, not remotely 20 years caring for Alco-Pop.
Sat in here so long, can't step out outside for more than half an hour, and even then I need a gang of bow-wows as armed escort! No, of course I don't need it! Anyhow, since you're here I expect you'd like to hear what some of the prospective buyers have talked about doing to the place.
Diced, guys, not bludgeoned to a pulp.
Nancy? Nita.
How d'you fancy two tickets for Michael Buble and a bottle of Asti? One guy was talking about knocking through the whole ground floor, doing the open-plan thing.
And then pushing down into the cellars and making a new basement flat.
Who'd want to live down here? It's so poky and dark.
Well, at the moment, yeah.
- They'd need to excavate, obviously.
- What? Lower the floor, they need more height.
- Dennis - Yeah? Are you sure about this? It's been your home for 40 years.
You'd be mad to sell if you're so attached.
I'm not.
Why would I be? This place reminds me of everything I detest.
Secrets, dishonesty, denial Denial? Er, these, for instance.
And this? You don't think it's weird that not one person has asked me why? - Well, maybe they - Not one person.
OK, then Why? Our dear departed mother! Metaphorically speaking.
After she bailed out, me and dad were going through some of her stuff Scent, nail varnish, make-up.
I put some on.
Make him laugh, I thought.
He didn't laugh.
Freaked out.
That was it.
I kept going back to it, and going back, and when it was used up I bought some more.
But Dad, he was such a bigot.
How did he? Cope? He didn't.
He went feral every time.
Why d'you think I did it? To wind him up.
So it was just a? So you're not actually? Tranny-two-shoes? Might be.
Might not.
Who wants to know? Answer? No-one.
No-one dares.
"Deviant in the room.
Let's pretend it's not happening.
" Well, it is happening.
It's all happening, Phil, and you'd better wake up to the idea, including the fact that I am most definitely selling up.
So I suggest you go away and decide what you wanna do next.
Can you believe this? House full of people who'd sooner be getting wankered, instead they're all here, doing what she wants? - How do they fall for it every time? - She knows how to reel 'em in.
She gives it the face.
Big eyes, soft voice, the guilt trip, the bribe.
Not to mention the string-'em-along-in-the-hope-of-a-shag! Hiya.
Guess where I am? Inside or out? Out.
The tree? How's the art work? Well, I'm guessing your carpentry skills are a bit more refined these days.
So when can I see you? - As soon as.
- Where? West Dene.
You're kidding! - Anybody home? - Coming Dougie.
You know where to look.
I've gotta go.
Just get there.
Wait for me.
Dougie, don't look so worried! You don't know what you're taking on.
Thought I'd check it's under control.
You know Nita.
Military precision in all things.
Right, I'm short of waiters.
D'you fancy pitching in? Er, I would, but I'm one of the guests.
Vinny's asked me to escort his niece.
I said I'll do it! And this niece is how old? About 22.
But can I just say? You should be turning your thoughts to the venue.
He's not pairing you off with her? See, I'm not sure what exactly you're expecting You'd be better with someone more mature.
And I think it might present something of a challenge.
Not a looker, and not a smart-arse either.
What sort of a challenge? Well, let's just say it's lucky that your husband's a master carpenter.
I need a favour.
Please? Pretty please? Far be it from me to state the obvious.
I know, but it's what Haslam wants.
It's his new baby.
He wants to show it off.
I did warn Nita it wouldn't be straightforward.
Can you build me a frame so we can light the table from above? Dougie, you've okay'd it so we can use the kitchen? Cool.
So we'll need the chairs and the fold-up table we use for the staff Christmas dinner plus our table linen, cutlery, glassware I really don't think you need to go this far Oh, you don't? So I needn't push the boat out and lay on a really spectacular show? I shouldn't aim to get the contract by the end of the meal? Yes, but, Nita, in two hours? I'll get me tools.
Did I tell you the weird thing that happened yesterday in my session with Bryce? Please tell me he hypnotised himself into a coma? This Bryce dude Don't encourage her.
You'll never hear the last of it.
- Aren't you glad she's getting some help? - No! I prefer her screwed up and quiet! - Do you fancy him? - No.
Think about him all the time? Imagine him tongue-wrestling you? No! - What you doing? - Phoning him.
- Lola! - Well, find out what his game is.
- What his intentions are.
- No, don't! Give me the phone.
Oh, it's ringing! - Bryce Waghorn? - Yes.
I'm calling about Alice Tyler.
Yeah? What about her? I understand you've been subjecting her to some rather unusual practices.
What do you mean? Well, some very unorthodox methods.
Who is this? I don't know what she's been telling you, but Well, whatever you've done, it's worked 'cause, er she's got the hots for you.
- Give me the phone! - Sweet, she's blushing.
God, I am so sorry.
That was my niece, just ignore her.
I have never at any point Alice, it's OK.
What she's saying is not exactly news to me.
- What d'you mean? - It's a well-known phenomenon.
Clients having strong feelings for their therapists.
It's called transference.
- No, but I - It's not a bad thing if it facilitates the process.
Engenders a greater sense of trust.
So lots of people feel like this? I'm I'm not sort of weird? No, no, not at all.
Refreshingly normal.
In fact, so normal, I doubt you'll be needing to see me much longer.
Oh, but I want to.
I need to.
You're the only one who dun't take the piss.
- Well, you can.
- When? Soon? I've got a full schedule but I might be able to carve out an hour this afternoon.
I can't, I'm working.
Best leave it.
No, no.
I'll see what I can manage.
I'll get a taxi or something.
I've gotta go.
OK, I've thought.
I'd like to make an offer on the place myself.
Listen up! Whatever stage we're at, I want you to finish off, pack up and move across to the venue.
We've got less than two hours to complete food prep and create a dining room out of a building site.
- Peasy.
- You'll need your smart clothes, aprons - Sense of humour - .
and the ability not to moan.
I also need three more waiters, so any suggestions, let me know.
OK, let's move! - Nice way to spend a Sunday! - Girls, c'mon, it's for us, not just me.
We deliver the goods, we get the contract.
We get the contract, we're all in the mint.
Some of us more minted than others! OK, guys, food in here.
Cutlery, crockery, glassware, follow me.
Hello! Hero worship! Isn't this guy just a total star? How can I ever repay you? By never again reneging on our agreement to keep our businesses totally separate? Dougie, can you do the seating? Ethan, Lola, give him a hand.
Arlo, come with me.
You're well fit, you know that? Let's pretend you didn't say that.
Say the word and I'll give Lola the push.
- Why would you do that? - I think we have a future.
You and me.
Sweetheart, I think we need to talk.
Dennis, now is not a good moment.
That's cool, 'cause it's not great news.
I've had another offer for the house.
No-one knows you're selling.
From who? Oh, you surely wouldn't want me breaking client confidentiality by giving you a name? Course, you could always up your bid.
I know you wouldn't want me being short-changed.
'Specially if we've both misread the market.
Dennis, can I get back to you? I want to make sure you're getting a fair price.
It's just, now's not a good time.
Oh! Did I mention how much interest there's been? Oh, I don't mean recently.
Since before Dad died.
You didn't, no.
Whole rake of enquiries.
Well, I say enquiries.
At first, we thought it was pranksters.
Threats, incentives, you name it.
They just kept coming.
In fact, we began to wonder if there wasn't a bigger picture.
- That's when we started recording calls.
- Really? And? - Interesting.
- Could I listen? Why not? Uh This area's being bulldozed to make way for a new motorway? If I were you I'd sell up now, while you can still get a decent price.
Any more? Oh, sure, if you're interested.
I can only protect you for so long.
My superior's not a patient man, and when he wants something That's a bit scary.
Any more? Hello, I'm doing a survey for the "Eccles and Patricroft Bugle".
- Who? - What do you, a resident of Elgin Park, feel about the recent crime wave in your area? Y'what? Do you feel safe in your own home with feral gangs roaming the streets? That's the form these days, is it? You see a place you like, - you put the bite on the owners? - No, it's really not.
It's weird though, sudden mad spurt of interest.
All these people desperate to buy.
Unless it's the same person Oh, c'mon! Who would seriously sink so low? - Don't let me keep you.
- I won't.
You don't seem too curious about these calls.
It's water under the bridge.
No, but, what's weird, that last one, the thing about - feral gangs? - Yeah? The night Dad died, there was a gang, wasn't there? - Yeah, but - A gang, Dennis! Was it coincidence? - What else would it be? - Had you ever seen them before? - No.
- Would you recognise them again? No.
Not that I haven't tried.
I've played back the tape enough times.
Tape? Security cam footage, from the night it happened.
- You still have it? - Somewhere.
Well, could I see it? - You think it's important? - Oh, Dennis! Could be anyone.
This is it.
This is what did it for Dad.
This is what brought on his heart attack But as you can see it's all so blurred.
Totally unrecognisable.
So there's not much point in pursuing it any further.
- Is there? - I don't know.
I need to think.
There might be something we should follow up? I don't know.
I need to think.
These girls.
They think they know it all.
They haven't got a clue.
Why didn't you tell me you were outside Dad's house the night he died? Chill, guys.
Take a breath.
Can't talk.
It's Armageddon Central here.
I'll call you later.
Hi, it's Beth, you know what to do.
Beth, call me back.
Now! 45 minutes to go.
Beth, Alice, do the appetisers.
Lois, you're salads.
Nancy, you're garnishings.
Ethan, you're washing-up.
Did anyone come up with any waiters? Er, 20 squids and a case of Stella apiece? You are jokin'?! I said desperate not a death wish! - Dad's idea.
- Don't panic.
I'm silver service-trained.
- Used to wait on at Talk Of The North.
- We'll point him in the right direction.
Coolio! OK! Come in, grab a pinny.
Anyone ever served wine? - Dad has.
- Down his neck, four kegs a night! OK, so these are your roles for the rest of the afternoon.
- How much more to do? - Listen.
It gets boring if I have to repeat myself.
Right, switches.
These are your lights, this is your audio here.
- You're going? - Yeah.
Good luck.
Sure you won't need it.
It's times like this a girl really needs someone to hold her hand.
Nita, I have never met anyone less in need of hand-holding.
- I'm in need of a beer.
- Have one here.
I really don't wanna be here.
It's your baby.
It's my Sunday.
- Where are you going? - What's with the inquisition? I know where you're going.
I can absolutely guarantee you don't.
Nash, wait.
- Nita! - Don't go.
I think you're wanted.
I've just had a call from Sven.
They're on their way.
But they're half an hour early! Of course they are.
That's the point, right? OK.
We can do this.
Is that your court appearance outfit? Pop that down over 'ere.
- I can manage.
- Oh, yeah, since when? I'm not getting shown up by you looking like a toe rag.
Beth, these ones are finished.
These are ready to go, here.
- Eagle Cars.
- Hello? - Yes, love.
- Can I book a cab, please? You kept our flat.
Let's see how she's done.
Now, now.
Give the girl a chance.
Gosh, look at that.
Wow, she's really gone to town.
Full marks for presentation at least.
Looks like someone might have to eat their words.
Mr and Mrs Haslam, Mr Carlsson.
- Er, we're early.
- We're ready.
Please, sit down.
- There you go.
- Thank you.
Ooh! Guys, I love you! You all know what you're doing.
I don't need to say how critical it is that this goes off without a hitch.
Kaz, you're absolutely sure? Say that again and I'll do you for discrimination! Fine.
Let's do it, guys.
And the game yesterday? You saw United at Liverpool? Mm.
Game was fine.
Could've done without the side show, though.
We had this appalling yob behind us.
One of the old eighties brigade.
Archaic ideas, mouth like a sewer.
- Vinny soon sorted it.
- You had him ejected? Her.
It was a woman.
No offence.
I feel safer with you behind the scenes.
I'm trying to book a cab.
This way, guys! - Cheers! - At least it's a decent wine.
Yes, but it doesn't mean you have to sample great quantities of it.
I'd like to tell you a bit about each dish before we serve.
We're starting with a little amuse-bouche.
Parmesan tuiles with a green pea and mint sorbet and a ginger and celeriac coulis.
Ginger, what? Celeriac? What the hell's that? Nita, thank you.
What a good choice.
Just look at the way this is arranged.
Is that it? Dinky, isn't it? Do we wear it or eat it?! - Have you had this before? - Doesn't it look delicious? So what do you do here? Well, I play old songs, look at old photos.
Stick pins in effigies of Dan.
It's an investment.
It's an office-cum-kid-free-Nita-free zone.
How often d'you use it? Less than you'd think.
Actually I own the whole house.
- Really? - I own lots of houses.
- Nita thinks - She thinks I'm just a carpenter.
Which of course officially I am.
- But I've got a healthy sideline.
- About which she knows nothing.
- Because if she did - She'd wanna get involved! I don't like how she does business, so I keep it under wraps.
Wise man.
And this is just small talk.
I know.
That's OK.
I've got all day.
What about you? Excuse me.
Sorry about that one.
- Don't I get time off for good behaviour? - When I see some, I'll let you know! Look, I really need something in the next half hour.
Ethan? - All right? - I'll pop these down there.
- Whoa! - What the hell are you doing?! It's cool.
We'll do this another time, yeah.
- No, I can't get a cab.
- I'll come and collect you.
JJ, Georgie, Ethan, Arlo, collect the plates, clearing from the right.
Ethan, move! - Move! - Two minutes, guys.
Right, got it.
Just need some cutlery.
What you doing? I'm seeing Bryce, OK? I've got an emergency session booked.
Oh, please! You can cover for me.
I'll be half an hour.
- Nita'll go baboon! - Tough shit.
- Alice! - I am sick of putting other people first.
This is my Sunday.
It's my appointment.
Nita can swivel.
Look, I can't be long.
If it's a bad time we can postpone No No! I feel like I'm getting somewhere, like I'm on the verge of something.
- Another breakthrough? - Yeah.
Then we should definitely go for it.
- So.
Are we ready to do some work? - Deffo! - Happy in your work, are you, Dad? - He dun't get out much! I could be looking at a whole new career.
Any plans for the summer? I presume you're off to Marbella soon.
- What is she wearing? - What is SHE wearing? She just doesn't get it right For the second course, we have herbed filo purses filled with brie and gravalax with a Meaux mustard and tarragon salsa.
Looks lovely, absolutely delicious.
That's haute cuisine, is it? Have you seen the flowers? - Looks like a small pasty.
- It's just beautiful.
One could almost have this on your lapel.
- An edible work of art.
- Very French.
Where's Alice? I thought I told you to stay in the kitchen.
Where is she? Going deeper, going deeper than you've ever gone before.
All your limbs are becoming heavy, becoming incredibly heavy, becoming so heavy you couldn't move even the slightest muscle, and yet you are going deeper, and when you think you can't go any deeper, you will step down another level, another depth.
And there, at that deepest level, where you've never gone before .
you'll find me waiting for you.
You! Leave me! Stop it, you deceitful, lustful maniac.
So obviously there are things you wanna ask me.
- Such as? - What I've been doing all these years? Not really.
- About Dan? - Nope.
- Why I left? - Seemed clear enough.
You got a job offer.
We'd hit a rocky patch.
We might have come through it, maybe not.
You seemed to be in a hurry to leave.
I assumed you had your reasons.
Oh, I did have my reasons.
Do you wanna give me a clue? Don't! Dad, Dad! Stop it! Stop it! Dad, what have you done? Dad? Stop! Wait! Please! Let me explain! Can I? Will you let me? - Bastard! - No! Hear me out! I'm begging you.
Let's be calm about this, huh? You bastard! Number one, this was a major breakthrough.
- A what? - Warrior work! I would never have dreamed of letting it go this far.
You asked me.
- What? - You don't remember? Interesting.
What did I ask you? We went deep and while you were in the regressed hypnotic state, you told me that you had intimacy issues that you were desperate to overcome.
Oh, c'mon! You begged me to help you with your inhibitions.
What, by shagging me?! Now, please! Don't use that word! I prefer to call it "Primary Intimate Congress".
It's what you wanted! I thought you were ready.
But if you think it's too soon, if you've lost faith in yourself, the process - I haven't.
- Well, that's excellent.
I have lost faith in you.
Look, Alice, wait! Alice! There's something you need to know.
- What you're experiencing is normal.
- What? Shock? Disgust? It's absolutely part of the process.
The next step Would it spoil it if I told you? - You're unbelievable.
- It'll come! It'll come when you discover that beneath all this anger and outrage, and self-loathing even, is Well, it's the realisation of what we've been working towards.
That's right.
See, somewhere in there you already know it.
Can you hear it? And what is it saying to you? Set me free.
Let me tell you my name.
It's desire, Alice! So don't tell me.
One day you're gone.
- No explanations, no letters, no calls.
- I thought you'd follow me.
- I thought I'd follow you.
- Why didn't you? - Why didn't you invite me? - Did you need inviting? - I always need inviting.
- Always? Here comes the main course.
- I'm starving.
- Ooh.
If I'd wanted to eat lettuce, I'd move into a hutch! - Is there any chance of a bacon bap? - He's joking! Oh, no, he's not! Arugula, pear and asiago salad with mango-infused olive oil and a zucchini and red chilli garnish.
I'd be happy with scotch eggs and a lemon meringue pie.
That's because you're an ignorant old git with not a clue about haute cuisine.
- Nita, sweetheart, it's It's fabulous! - Oh, thank you.
You should come and join us.
Let the staff do their own bit for a change.
I couldn't possibly.
I like to oversee everything in person.
- Bad news.
- Sorry? Well, if you can't trust your staff, why employ 'em? Do you want to know the secret of my success? Ask Sven.
What do I look for in all my associates? - Can they delegate? - Can they delegate? Secure in the knowledge that they've made the right choices.
That whatever happens out of sight, behind their back, everything'll turn out fine.
I could do with some chips.
- Have you thought of me over the years? - Every day.
Next? - I've thought of you.
- I'm flattered.
Next? - I hated you for not coming after me.
- I made meself not come after you.
- I made myself stay away.
- I married Nita to get at you.
- I know you did! What were we like? - Crazy.
Couldn't leave each other alone.
Still can't.
Phil, what do you want? You could've left straight after the funeral.
Why are you still here? To bury this once and for all.
How? OK, what if, just say, we've built up this whole thing? Each other, our three years together, into this amazing myth? What if the reality was much less dramatic? Is much less? Isn't worth wrecking lives for? What if we went ahead and trashed our families, blew our lives apart and six months down the line we realised there was nothing to it and all we needed was to get each other out of our systems? How? Just once.
And then we put the relationship To bed.
And move on.
Just once, then Just once.
It's a pleasure to experience a more refined cuisine.
At least, er some of us appreciate it.
Personally I think it raises us above the level of the brute beasts, eh? What, the ability to digest rabbit food? Perhaps we should have given some to our little friend from yesterday! You don't recognise me? Sorry? Or my husband? Should I? From the match yesterday? You treated us to an outburst of your filth.
- And she calls me a liability.
- Did I? - You don't remember? - Nothing personal.
Get carried away.
- Don't you? - That's bloody rich! My wife was appalled.
She's never heard such language.
- She doesn't go to many games, then? - Beth.
Go to a game, expect the verbal.
- They're United, love, not PC City! - Mr Haslam, I really had no idea.
I have serious doubts about your judgement if this is who you employ.
Does it matter what she does on her day off? She can sound off if she wants.
- Alice! - She said it wasn't personal.
Thinking back, it probably was.
Were you the knobhead calling Fletcher a spaz? You don't slag your own team.
- Alice! Beth, take the plates and go.
- She had every right.
- Just go! - Hey, and take this tripe with you.
Hey, man, that's way offside.
There's a lot of effort gone into that food.
Has it indeed? Well, I'll tell you what, Sonny Jim, here's what I think it's fit for.
And y'know what? Here's what I think you're fit for.
- You little - Hey, hey! Dennis, I can't talk.
I think you'd better, 'cause it's high time we sacked the bullshit! Where were you the night Dad died? What? How is this relevant? See, I think he'd be on the warpath if he knew what you'd been up to.
'Course, maybe he does know.
Maybe he IS on the warpath.
I can't talk now, I'm really tied Make it go! Get it away! - Over there! - What? - There! - Who was it? An intruder? We should call Security.
There's no point.
It wasn't an intruder.
Someone you recognise? Someone you know? Yes.
My father.
Your late father? Father died recently, very traumatic, they were close.
Then can I suggest that she takes some time out, sorts herself out.
Because at this moment she's clearly not up to it.
Tanya! Nothing clever about overdoing it.
Vinny Haslam's First Commandment: know your limitations.
Anybody fancy a chinky? Wing Yip do an earlybird special.
My treat.
Nita, I don't know what Come on.
She tried too hard.
- Nita, can I? - I think you should just go.
Oh, God You watch.
This'll all be my fault.
He's probably right.
I have been overdoing it.
I tell you, guys, when you start hallucinating, you know you're in trouble.
I'll be fine in the morning.
- Doubt it.
- Thanks for the support I just don't think it's all gonna go away.
And why's that? 'Cause I saw him too.
Yeah, yeah.
I did.
I saw Dad.
Dan? I need to tell you something.
You've reached Phil Tyler's phone.
Please leave your name and number after the beep.
Phil? I've come to a decision about the house.
Call me.
Nita, it's Dennis.
Is this a social call? Not really.
Dennis and I have some business to discuss.
Well, that's weird.
Dennis asked me to come round at nine.
Well, don't just stand there.
Smile! We're on camera.
Another Oscar-winning performance? - Look, I can come back later.
- Oh, that'd be great, actually.
No need! What I have to say will interest you both.
As you know, I've had several offers for the house.
- Yes.
- Including, of course, from both of you.
- What? - You didn't? Which I've considered carefully .
and finally come to a decision.
I've sold it.
To someone else.
- What? - Yeah.
Made me a cracking good offer.
You shouldn't sell yourself short.
- How much? - I'll better it.
- No, I will! - Sorry.
I move out next week.
Dennis, you can't.
It's a done deal, I'm afraid.
And I think it's what Dad would've wanted.
New owners, fresh start.
They're gonna gut the place from top to bottom.
That'll be them now.
- You think I'd wanna stiff the old man? - No, but I think Nita might.
- What you said yesterday.
- Desire.
You feel it? I might be.
I didn't get you out of my system.
Quite the reverse.
- I don't want this to carry on.
- It doesn't have to Dennis.
I'm really, really sorry.
She deserves to hear it face to face.
- Where are you? - I'm with Phil.
Nita'll find out.
He'll have to choose, he'll choose you, family'll fall apart.
Nita'll flip, business'll fold, we'll be on the streets.
Nita's out of control, Nita's as fallible as the rest of the human race.
You need help, Mum.
- When were you going to tell me? - What? About Mum? It's all happening, Phil.
I am most definitely selling up.
- Please.
- You bastard! - So when can I see you? - As soon as.
- What you doing? - It's cool.
How come you never told me you were outside Dad's house the night he died? Let me tell you my name.
It's desire, Alice.
Can I suggest she take some time out to sort herself out? She's clearly not up to it.
I've come to a decision about the house.
I've sold it to someone else.
Only the lonely Only the lonely Know the way I feel tonight Yeah Only the lonely Know this feeling ain't right Yeah, yeah, yeah There goes my baby Bam, bam, bam, bam Bad news, this sort of caper.
Time was, you had to be somebody to live round here.
- Now it's any old riff-raff.
- Oh, Dad, Dad.
Oh! You just missed a screamer from Scholesy.
Dole scum.
Hang on.
- Makes my skin crawl.
- Does it? If God meant you to wear make-up, he'd have given you A fanny.
Yeah, you've said.
Sick, that's what you are, sick.
No son of mine.
Oh, if only that were true.
Eh, maybe we should invite them to join the party.
Now what? Bloody hell! Dad? Come on.
Here you are.
Dad? What's happening? Oh, God.
What's happening? Come on, come on.
Deep breaths.
Deep breaths.
No, Dad, bring it down.
Bring it right down.
Oh, God! Ambulance, please.
I'm sorry.
It's a mistake.
Everything's fine.
You wanker! You knew I wanted this place.
I would've made a higher offer.
You're an arsehole! Why? You play us off against each other, then sell to someone outside the family? You must really hate us.
Dennis, don't do this, please.
- The house should stay in the family.
- Should it? Why? - Oh, Christ! I can't believe Dad did this! - What? I can't believe he never What? He never what, Phil? - Said anything.
- Why don't you say something? - I can't.
- Ha! - I promised I wouldn't.
- Oh, how convenient.
- He made me swear.
- On what? On what did he make you swear? On the life of my child.
The child I might one day have.
Oh That's quality.
No, stunning performance.
Thought you could freak me out and shit me into selling to you? Get out.
- Dennis, wait! Dennis! - Out, now! - You're sick! - Please! - Get out.
- Dennis, please! Dennis! We are not doing this any more.
- No Alice? - Or Lois, or Nita.
There's a shock.
After last night's fiasco she'll be getting fitted for a burka.
Oi, Doog.
So what's the damage? Huh? Nita's title hopes down the crapper? Mr Haslam's not a happy man.
I should imagine your sister's expansion plans have taken a severe knock.
Personally, I think world domination's overrated.
Right, Nance! Looks like the Dynamic Duo's in charge.
- Are they? Oh, you mean us? - Us.
- Right.
- Sausage and bacon on? - Yeah.
- You do the beans and start the toast.
Do I love this? Two girls doing the work of four.
And why do I think we won't get twice the wages? Oh, crap.
Early to bed, out sharpish this morning.
Not trying to avoid me, by any chance? OK, OK, OK.
I was there, right? The night Dad died.
Outside the house.
Nita was picking the kids up.
- I went with her.
It wun't planned.
- Not by you.
And, you know, why I never said owt I didn't even wanna think about it.
Christ, Phil.
Do you seriously think I'd wanna stiff the old man? - No, but I think Nita might.
- Oh, come on.
We all know she can get a bit Cruella De Vil, but to skin her own dad? Did you know that she'd been threatening him? What? When? For months.
Anonymous phone calls telling him to sell the house.
- No way.
- Yeah.
Dennis taped them.
- My sister spiked me dad.
Anything else? - Yeah.
Dennis just sold the house.
- To who? - Persons unknown outside the family.
We've gotta say something.
If they ever started demolishing that They have.
There's a bleedin' great JCB burrowing away as we speak.
- No! - Beth, try and keep a lid on it, eh? Any risk of a bacon barm, love? Coming up.
Don't suppose you fancy pitching in, do you? And where's bleedin' Alice? Skiving cow! Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Did I miss the chequered flag? What? - Dennis, the bastard.
He sold the house.
- What do you mean? Strung me along, the tosser, let me think he'd accepted my offer.
I would've gone higher.
He never gave me the chance.
- He just sold it, the family house, and - You made an offer on Smyrna Grove? - Well, I - You were gonna tell me when? - I would've got round to it.
- No, Nita.
Not good enough.
- I didn't mean to - How are we supposed to operate? You sneaking about? Whatever happened to openness, honesty, trust? - I didn't think.
- Yeah, well, start.
Start right now.
- Yeah? - It didn't work.
I didn't get you out my system.
Quite the reverse.
- You surprise me.
- I wanna see you.
- Dennis? - Nash.
Nice work if you can get it.
- What? - All that "undying love" shit.
- Has its drawbacks.
- Not in my experience.
Oh, yeah.
I've had the odd dabble there, an' all.
Had to bale out.
Was getting a bit too intense.
He kept talking about you in his sleep.
I would've had to throttle him.
- So it's happened.
- What? - You've shagged.
- Beth He wants more.
You're not sure.
He won't let up.
You'll give in.
Nita'll find out.
He'll have to choose.
He'll choose you.
Family'll fall apart.
Nita'll flip.
Business'll fold.
We'll all be on the streets.
- That's not what's gonna happen.
- How you gonna stop it? Just tell me.
I'm curious.
What sort of a warped, sadistic - Oh, hello.
- .
total sicko fakes his own death - There's a turn-up.
- .
organises his own funeral, - turns his house into Surveillance Central.
- Backbone, eh? I'm impressed.
What you've done, it's obscene.
I'd have welcomed a visit from your sisters, I'd have liked a photo of me own grandkids, but did I complain? - Not friggin' much.
- Till she started with her calls and threats.
So, yes, then I did get cameras fitted.
And how useful it's proved.
Now I know exactly who's coming and going, what they think of me, and I've got it on tape, even you.
You needed cameras to pick that up? Let me give you the live performance.
I think you're a twisted, devious, self-centred old git.
Same could be said of you, son, including the "old".
Oh, we're no young Turk any more, are we? Has been, won't be, never was.
Don't go out, lost your looks, closest mate's a jackadoodle and I'm the one that's sick? Alice? Are you there? Yeah.
Are you OK? Yeah.
I What you said yesterday, that thing - Which? - That I might start feeling.
Desire? Yeah.
- Are you feeling it? - I don't know.
Be honest with yourself, Alice.
I think I might be.
May I? You wanted to meet in a public place.
- Is that because you don't trust yourself? - With what? Your feelings.
Well, you're wondering if they're appropriate.
You're worried they might be too strong.
The process isn't easy, Alice.
Transformational work never is.
But we'll get there, if you are willing to push the boundaries.
- I'd love you to meet my family.
- I already did, at the funeral.
I mean properly.
So they can get to know you.
So you can talk to them about the work.
And then maybe they can get some of what I've got.
Yeah, OK.
When? Come on, then.
Dogs been out yet? I'll see to them later.
You haven't been out for days.
What's the big idea? It's coming back, isn't it, the old agoraphobia? You losing your bottle again? Well, that'll be interesting, if you can't step outside your own front door.
You'll be stuck again, back to square one, totally dependent on me, and I'll be loving every minute of it.
How long is this gonna continue? - Oh, hello.
- You, here, this whole charade.
There's a buyer in the frame.
How long's he gonna get strung along? For as long as it takes your Phil and Beth to face up and come clean.
Phone Phil.
Tell her to get her arse back round here again.
- Why? - I wanna hear about them postcards.
- Which? - From your mum.
- What? - You can quiz her about them.
- Why? - So I can see her squirm.
- I'd rather not.
- Do it.
- I'd prefer not to.
- Do it.
You know, son, last time I looked, I had all the aces and you had jack shit.
I don't know what it's about.
He said urgent, so I'd better go.
Hiya, everyone.
I want you to say hello properly to Bryce.
I want you to say hello sharpish to this queue.
You met him at the funeral and I've talked about him, but I wanted him to tell you what transactional dynamics, the Waghorn Method, actually does.
- I don't think this is the appropriate - I'm sure it's not.
Beth thinks it's all a heap of happy-clappy rip-off bullshit.
He's done the training, got all the qualifications.
You should see his certificates.
Why don't you do a taster session? - Oh, spare me.
- Then you'll see.
What's great about Bryce is how much further he goes.
He really wants you to feel the benefit and doesn't mind what it takes to get you there.
Is this the norm? Sorry? It's unethical for therapists to see patients outside the consulting room.
Bryce doesn't bother about crap like that.
It's the results that matter, not the whys and wherefores.
Right, Bryce? Yeah, absolutely.
Right, get that on, get to that queue and start performing some retail therapy now, or you'll be requiring some urgent pain relief! Right, who's next? What do you want? Answer it.
Answer it.
- What's going on? - Um I just wanted Just come through.
Right, forget about the postcards.
Ask her what she's gonna do about Nita.
- Why? - Why what? Ask her if she's happy to think the bitch shunned her dad for 20 years then sent him to the boneyard.
- Why did she do it? - What? Nita.
Blanked the old man for 20 years and then tipped him into an early grave? Oh, Dennis, don't give me this shit.
You said yourself he was on his way out.
- Too many snouts, too much juice.
- Well, yeah, but Nita's ruthless.
She probably did make those phone calls.
- What? - Who made her what she is? Him, mainly.
Small-minded, vicious, vindictive old bastard.
Ruled us with the back of his hand and the side of his foot.
Is it any wonder she couldn't wait to leave? Why come back? And if she thought she could freak the life out of him - I can't believe you're defending her.
- I'm not.
I'm just not buying the bullshit any more.
And you What? Gave it all up to look after Dad.
Gave up what? The need to earn a living, the necessity of fending for yourself? What a saint.
Nice house, everything found, and all you need do is walk a few dogs.
- That's tough! - It was.
It was.
You have no idea.
Yes, I do.
I see it, what it's done to you, to all of us.
Whether we're here or 200 miles away, we're all screwed.
Do you wanna know why I never had kids? I didn't dare.
I didn't wanna screw up the way they did.
I didn't wanna re-inflict the damage.
Dennis, I am so sorry.
I've really missed you.
And if I could have done it any other way - I've missed you.
- Don't fall for it, son.
- How could we have let this happen? - I don't know.
- You and me, we were like that.
- The Terrible Twins they used to call us.
I love you.
- I don't want this to carry on.
- It doesn't have to, Dennis.
Get her out of there.
- I'm sorry.
- What for? I'm really, really sorry.
- Hello? - Get her out of there.
Get her out of there, or you cannot even begin to imagine how your life will change.
Dennis, what is it? - I need to go.
- What's happened? I need to be somewhere.
I need you to leave.
- OK, but - I need you to go now.
OK, OK, I'm gone.
- Keep your phone switched on.
- Yeah.
I'll call you tomorrow.
Oh, bravo.
Handled that brilliantly.
She ran rings round you.
Couldn't you see what she was doing? Don't even think about falling for it.
The consequences wouldn't bear thinking about.
- For you.
- For you.
It's a big world out there, lad.
Very big, very scary.
Especially without two beans to rub together.
That's what comes of sacrificing yourself for your old man.
You haven't got a scrap to your name or a clue how to make it outside your own front door.
I wish you'd met Nita.
She thinks she knows it all, but she's so freakin' uptight.
I bet she could really use some opening up.
- Alice.
- Mm? Just so we understand each other.
It's my belief we've shared some very powerful stuff, but like all powerful stuff, this can be open to misinterpretation.
- Can it? - To the untrained mind.
To the unsympathetic mind.
It's in both our interests that we work together in a mutually cooperative way, otherwise we might run into some problems here.
Like what? Your experiences under hypnosis, some things that you were coming out with, things which may sound incriminating.
Coming out with? What do you mean? It's not common but occasionally, under hypnosis, the subject may talk aloud, provide a kind of running commentary of what they're seeing and experiencing.
- I've been? - Very graphic in your descriptions.
And naturally, well, I recorded it all.
You what? It's a key part of the process .
to make a recording.
To the untrained mind, it could seem that some of the things you were describing have actually happened.
Whoa, whoa, stop.
What went wrong? We were supposed to lay the ghost.
Well, technically, we did.
- I just wanna keep doing it.
- How would that work? You leave Dan.
I leave Nita.
You move back here, I build us a house, we have our child.
Can we just Can we rewind slightly? You leave Nita? I'd make sure she was provided for.
And the kids are only ten minutes away.
And Nita's got guys queuing up.
- And I leave Dan? - I'm not into threesomes.
- Since when? - I got old.
And when would you tell her? - Round about now? - No, she deserves to hear it face to face.
- What's up, babe? - Where are you? - I'm with Phil.
- What are you doing? Talking.
About what? All sorts.
I'll tell you when I get home.
- Tell me what? - Anything you need to know.
Do you remember that game? - Which one? - True, dare, kiss, command or promise.
When we couldn't keep our hands off each other.
So we'd make each other sit on opposite sides of the room.
- And dare each other.
- To describe what we were gonna do.
This is the command variation.
I ask you questions and command you to answer.
Number one: why do you think it's gonna work with me this time? Because there's not been a single day in 20 years I haven't thought it through.
Number two: why do you wanna be with me? Because you're fit.
Because you make me laugh.
Because you are the best lay in the world.
Because you don't make lists or tick boxes or write your life in Post-it notes.
Because I never quite know what you're thinking.
Because all of two seconds in front of the mirror and you're still the most gorgeous thing I ever saw.
Because when I look at you, I'm still 19.
Because I'm an addict and you were the best hit I ever had.
What the hell's going on? Death by carbohydrate.
- Wanna play? - No.
Why are you doing it? You never eat that stuff.
- I know.
Bet that makes you feel good.
- Why would it? Nita's out of control.
Nita's as fallible as the rest of the human race.
Happy now? Why would I be? You're not meant to be like that.
You wanna get a grip.
It's not funny, Mum.
You need to sort yourself out.
Your dad must think so too, since he's leaving me.
- He's what? - For Phil.
I think you need help, Mum.
So are we done with games? One more.
You remember that thing we used to do when we wanted to take things up a notch? When we were out.
- A girl would hit on you.
You'd play along.
- Like you wanted me to.
- Sometimes you'd flirt.
- Sometimes it would go further.
And then you'd come home and I'd rip your clothes off.
And you say our relationship was healthy? I never said that.
It was the most dysfunctional three years of my life.
- The most intense.
- The most passionate.
- The most insatiable.
- Miss it? - Of course.
- Do you want it again? - You know I do.
- That intense? That insatiable? - Bring it on.
- Then you know what to do.
Make me jealous.
- You want me to shag someone else? - No.
Not someone else.
Someone very specific.
Someone who if I thought of you with them would really chew me up.
- Beth? - Closer.
- Oh, you're kidding? - No.
Do it.
Make me sick with envy.
You haven't done it for 18 years.
Do it now.
Come on.
Come on.
Come on.
- Dennis, what is? - It wasn't my idea.
I always wanted to come clean.
Right from the start I said it was sick.
- What are you on about? - You have no idea what it has been like.
If you cross him, you're dog meat.
He is insane if you don't toe the line, and where would I go? There's nowhere I could.
But you have to understand.
- What? - You have to know what he's doing.
He's twisted, bitter and paranoid, wanting to know what you all thought of him.
- Who? - Eaten up with spite.
Hating you for staying away, even though he told you to.
But now what he wants is for it all to stop, all the bullshit, all the lies.
- He's had enough.
- Dennis, stop.
What are you on about? Not what.
Something's happened.
- Summat bad.
- She say what? No, she wouldn't say.
She's on her way round now.
What do you think it is? Same as you do.
Nash sacking Nita, shacking up with Phil.
- I had a feeling this would happen.
- Does it bother you? Well, you've gotta feel sorry for Nita.
It'll kill her.
- But Phil was sort of there first, so - No, does it bother you? - No, why should it? - I don't know.
Do fuck buddies feel jealous? I know they're not supposed to, but Wh-what? - What buddies? - You're not gonna go all coy on me? Beth, mate, you're a beast.
Always had to have extra rations.
And he's one of the good guys, it's all in the family, so just do me the courtesy of not denying it.
Then I would be insulted.
Are you? - Are you gonna? - Am I gonna do one? Yeah, I might do.
It's not like it actually meant anything.
What does mean something to you, then, Beth? - What do you mean? - Apart from keg, fags and football? It's all one big piss-up, innit? The kids tell me it's no great spectator sport, watching their mother dig her own grave with a bottle-opener.
Think about that next time you reach for the ale and try drowning whatever secrets you think you're keeping from us.
- Hiya.
- Be kind to her.
She's had a shock.
Well, she's about to get another.
- Spill it.
- Dad's not dead.
Dad! Can you let me in? You told her, didn't you? You told her I was still here? - Can you just let me in? - Yes or no? OK, yes.
Now will you open the door, please? Now, that's very puzzling, 'cause why would you do that? When I've been pacing it all so nicely, building it up to a grand finale.
Because I just got sick of it all, Dad, the lying and the sneaking about, everything, Dad.
Not just you.
I just want it all to stop.
Now, you see, I think that's down to me to decide, which is what we'd agreed.
So, it looks like you've reneged on our agreement.
- No, Dad.
I just - And that's not great.
'Cause when one starts, the other needs to respond, and you know what that response has to be.
- Dad, you're not serious.
- Oh, I am.
I've changed the locks.
As of now, you no longer live here.
Dad, don't do this! Just let me in, Dad.
We can talk about this.
I can make some new agreement.
Just let me tell you what my thinking was, Dad! Could you open the door, please? Shh, shh.
Dad, open the door! Please open the door! I mean, what kind of sick? What we gonna do now? - Phil and Beth here? - Kitchen.
So, when were you gonna tell me? - What? - About Mum.
What's to tell? She called last week.
She seemed fine then.
She called you, Phil.
None of us spoke to her.
None of us ever speak to her.
That's weird, that you're the only one she ever speaks to.
Well, I thought You know what's been happening to me under hypnosis? I've been seeing things.
- No disrespect, Al, but - You two, Mum, Dad.
- Yeah, well, that's hardly - You know what can happen sometimes? No.
Something so terrible .
your mind just blanks it out for years.
Till something jogs your memory, and then you start remembering.
- What are we actually talking about here? - Shouting.
There was shouting.
No one knew I was there.
I was supposed to be at choir practice, but it got cancelled.
I was too scared to come into the room, so I hid upstairs.
That's where I saw it from.
- Saw what? - Mum, Dad, fighting.
You two telling them to stop.
Mum falling, cracking her head, all the blood.
- Hang on.
- Dad yelling.
You two screaming.
You're dreaming.
It never happened, Al.
It's all up here.
- Is it? - Yeah.
- Well, that's good news.
- Yeah, exactly.
- 'Cause otherwise we're right in the shit.
- Why? Because, apparently, when I'm hypnotised, I ramble away to meself.
According to Bryce, I've been coming out with all this stuff, saying it out loud to him, which according to Bryce, if it came out If it came out? If Bryce chose to disclose it to the appropriate authorities So, I'm really glad it's all in my imagination.
'Cause otherwise we are well stuffed.
Welcome to Ground Zero.
- Where's Nita? - Upstairs, having a meltdown.
- So who gets custody? - What? - You or Mum? - She said you're leaving us for Phil.
Where do we go? I'll come with you if it's New York.
And me, as long as I get my own room and you let me play "Age of Empires" all night.
Well, last week she pulled the plug and I was on a multi-player.
- So are you leaving? - Look Go and see a film or something.
- Dad.
- I'll speak to you in the morning.
- OK, I'm ready.
- For what? You're leaving me, right? For Phil.
- What have you done? - I know.
I look like a bag of shit.
- No, you look beautiful.
- Don't laugh at me.
I wasn't.
I wasn't.
- We swore.
We said we wouldn't.
- She was there.
She saw it.
It happened.
Mum died.
Thank you.
Now maybe someone can tell me how she happened to be there in the first place.
- She just turned up, no warning.
- Yeah.
Off her face.
Three years since everyone thought she'd gone for good.
Needless to say, she wanted summat.
A divorce.
You to sell the house and give me half.
Oh, yeah, that's really gonna happen.
- You walked out.
You're entitled to nowt.
- Make no mistake, I'll have my share.
- Mum, don't.
What's the point? - I'll get what's due, every last ha'penny.
Over my dead body! Mum, stop it.
Thought you'd seen the last of me! You should know by now, Stanley! - Mum, stop! Please, stop! - I always come back! Oh, very convincing.
OK, I'm bored now.
Get up.
- Dad? - Oh, shit.
Is she? So when Beth and I ran out of the house, you were where? Still upstairs.
I couldn't move.
It felt like I was I didn't dare I couldn't And then what? Everything went so quiet.
I thought everyone had gone.
And then I heard I heard something.
- Beth! - Phil, wait for us! It was an accident.
And no one will ever believe that.
We have to go back.
No way.
We have to.
What if Alice comes home, or Dennis? - They don't even know Mum's back.
- Was back.
No one knows, except us.
Now what? Yeah? - Can you let us in? - Why? We need to talk.
- About what? - Dad, for Christ's sake.
We can do without that language, young lady.
- Let us in.
We need to say something.
- Say it now.
- About Mum.
- What about her? We know it was an accident.
We'll both stand up in court and say so.
- That's decent of you.
- We're just trying to help.
- What makes you think I need it? - Dad, you just killed her.
- Did I? - Dad, come on! I don't require your help.
It's all been dealt with.
- What do you mean? - She told no one she was coming.
No one saw her arrive.
No one'll come looking for her.
The only people who know she was here is us.
Dad, what have you done? As I said, the situation has been dealt with.
All you need do is keep your traps shut.
What have you done with her? Dad, where is she? Where is she?! Phil So all this "stand up in court" business, I think we can sack it.
- But, Dad - I think we can sack the law, full stop.
Who needs to know? Nobody beyond this room.
Unless you want the whole family stigmatised, traumatised, house flogged off, your old man in Strangeways.
- Of course not, but, Dad - So how shall we do this? Dad? - Blood or oath? - This is ludicrous.
Oath, Oath! OK.
What shall we swear on? I know.
The lives of our kiddies.
- We haven't got any.
- Yet.
On the life of my children yet to come, I swear not to breathe a word of this to anyone.
Went home, packed, took the job in London.
What else could I do? No way I could have kept quiet if I stayed here.
- But, Nash - I lied to him.
We were on our way out.
- And Cruella was waiting in the wings.
- I never spoke to him until last week.
So you didn't leave 'cause Nita nabbed him? I was more than happy for that to be the authorised version.
And what about you? Couldn't hack it, neither.
Being in the house, seeing Dad, knowing what was down there.
I cut him dead.
I told Nita he'd called her Godzilla, said she was kipper dressed as lobster.
- Bet that well pissed her off.
- She never spoke to him again.
Job done.
We'd no reason to suspect you knew anything.
You came back later.
We'd already packed your things.
- You made me stay at your house.
- We had to get you out.
All that was needed was for me to organise the odd postcard from Marrakech.
I got Beth to phone me mobile last week.
- Does Dennis know? - I've no idea.
He was always a law unto himself, Dennis.
And we just left him to it.
So that's it, then? There's nothing else I need to know? Al, do you wanna kip here tonight? - Can I? - Yeah, course you can.
You'll have to cutch up with Phil.
If you're lucky, I might tell you a bedtime story.
And wi' you, an' all, like when we were little? - Yeah.
- We used to snuggle up together.
And Nita used to say we were childish.
Well, let's hope she's having as much fun as we are.
Hello? Bryce Waghorn? Can I speak to you in absolute confidence? You walked out.
You're entitled to nowt.
Make no mistake, I'll have my share.
I'll get what's due, every last ha'penny.
Over my dead body! You thought you'd seen the last of me.
You should know by now, Stanley.
I always come back.
Let the revels commence.
We need to make plans if we're gonna do it.
- I'll call you.
- Can you even begin to imagine? I'm pretty good at imagining, actually, all the things I used to be able to see.
- I'm going to Dad's.
- We'll all go.
I'm not 12, Beth.
I don't need an armed escort.
I think I'm in need of urgent support.
Dad! Hang on! - What's that? - Drilling, in the cellar.
- Will you go through the process now? - Here? Nita, I think I can help you.
- Families are hard.
- Now what? You might be interested to know.
Dad's just died.
For reasons which don't appear obvious to everyone, families become estranged.
I swear not to breathe a word of this to anyone.
You think he'd jeopardise everything we've created together? I don't know, Nita.
"To my son, Dennis, I leave all other possessions, including Smyrna Grove.
" - We're not gonna let him get away with it? - I always thought we'd have a kid.
- He's family.
Can you rip him off? - I can.
I could even go after Mum.
I'm gonna do it.
No, I am really gonna do it.
Stop! - Dennis just sold the house.
- To who? Persons outside the family.
Dan, I need to tell you something.
- What are on about? - Not what.
Dad's not dead.
We are not doing this any more.
Dad, please! Dad! Dad, please will you open the door? Dad! 65 today, son.
Not a pretty sight.
The hour is nigh.
Let the revels commence.
Dad! Hang on! Dad, where are you going? So what's the plan? Do one sharpish, leg it back to London? That was the idea.
With or without the ex? - Hello.
- Job done.
- And? - Hot.
Lucky you.
So will you be going back for more? I just might.
So I pass Go and collect 200? - Well, you certainly get out of jail.
- When can I see you? I'll call you.
We need to make plans if we're gonna do it.
- I need to go.
- Are we gonna do it? I'll call you.
- We need to tell Nita.
- Shit.
So it's happening? - About Dad.
- Huh? She still thinks he's dead.
Oh, that.
It's OK, Nita.
He's not real.
He's not actually there.
Nita McKinnon.
- I hear you do catering.
- Yes, that's right.
I'm looking for someone to do a birthday party.
- And when were you thinking of? - Today.
That's out of the question.
I wouldn't be available at such short notice.
Oh, dear.
Not even for your dear old dad? Who is this? Go to the window.
Do you do mini quiches? I think we can afford to push the boat out.
Hi, it's Nita.
I think I'm in need of some urgent support.
Nita, it's Beth.
Listen, me and Al won't be in today.
There's something We need to talk.
It's urgent.
Phone us, yeah? God, how do we even begin to tell her? What about Nash? Does he know? Or are we deploying the usual strategy, ignorance is bliss? - Works for me.
- Does it? Interesting.
Course, me, pig-ignorant, optically-challenged dickbrain, always thought it caused a shitload of damage, but, hey, what do I know? You know, maybe we should head round to Dad's, get Nita on the way.
Bad move.
In my humble opinion.
Turning up mob-handed? No, somebody sensible should go, like Alice.
- What? - Me? She'd need permission from Brycie boy first.
- I'm not seeing him any more.
- Why's that, then? I I just I've gone as far as I can with his process things.
I can manage on my own now.
What? Think I still need help? - No, obviously not.
- Think I'm still dependent on him? - Well - I know how to look after myself.
- I've moved on.
- Yeah, we realise that.
- Do we? - I'm going round to Dad's.
What? No.
Al There's a few things I need to say to him, and Dennis.
- Come on, we'll all go.
- I'm not 12, Beth.
I don't need an armed escort.
Thank you for squeezing me in.
I know you think I'm crazy, but I keep imagining that Last night when I called I said I wanted to talk about a personal issue, but this morning this thing happened again.
- It keeps happening! And I don't know - Shh, shh, shh.
Nita, before we start, could we just clarify some confidentiality issues? - Uh-huh.
- I've been working with your sister.
- Have you talked with her recently? - About what? Has she mentioned any of the exercises we did in our sessions? - Would that be a problem? - It's crucial to keep an open mind.
If you had any kind of preconceived impressions of how it might look or what it would involve All she said is, "He's amazing and every girl should have one.
" Excellent.
So, Nita, tell me, what is it that you are afraid of? Apart from the sight of my late father showing up outside the house? No.
I mean what is it that you are really afraid of? - And my husband's leaving me.
- Fact or fear? - He's in love with someone else.
- Fact or fear? We haven't had sex for 18 years, fact, apart from last night, but that doesn't count, because he was obviously drunk or demented or maybe I just imagined it.
- So you don't enjoy sex? - I can't I don't It doesn't feel safe.
- Tell me about that.
- It's not me.
- It's not you.
- He doesn't want me.
- He wants my sister.
He always has.
- How does that make you feel? - Second best! - Second best.
- Maybe that's why - That's? - Maybe I've been punishing him.
- Punishing him.
- Trying to get my own back.
- By withholding sex? - And it's been going on for so long - You have actually grown to hate it.
- No.
- No? - I love it.
- Sorry? Last night we were on fire.
It was like when we first met.
We couldn't stop.
We didn't think about it.
We didn't have any plan.
We just let it happen.
- You just let it? - That's why I called you.
I want to know how I can let go without having to plan everything in advance.
- You just wanna let go.
- I want to relax, give in, be swept away.
- You wanna relax, give in, be swept away.
- Exactly! But are you ready to do the work, go for the process right now? - You mean here? - You're not expecting anyone? Can you guarantee we will be undisturbed for two hours? Everyone's out for the day.
Nita, I think I can help you.
I'm not a child.
Taken seriously.
When They think I'm just some stupid I'm not.
I'm I won't I won't be treated like that.
What? Come on! Come on! Must be bad.
- What? - Tops off this early in the day.
- What's that all about? - It's about me dad.
- Being dead.
Well, now not being dead.
- I thought you'd be pleased.
Why'd you think that? You know what a class-one, grade-A git he was.
I don't, since I was never actually allowed to meet the guy.
Be grateful.
He was a tosser.
Is a tosser.
That makes a can of Boddies suitable breakfast material? I'm stressed, all right? Do you remember stress, do you? - I do, as it happens.
- These last few weeks Since that night No, for years, actually, 20-odd years, to be precise, since me mam, since he, since the whole pissin' family fell apart.
Christ, have you any idea, eh? Losing Phil, me sister, best mate, family in shrap.
No wonder I'm stressed! Can you even begin to imagine what it's been like? - I'm pretty good at imagining, actually.
- Sheer bleedin' nightmare.
You could say over the past 19 years it's become my number one hobby, imagining all the things I used to be able to see.
- OK, fair point.
- Top three.
Seagulls over the Ship Canal.
Old Trafford lit up on a winter night.
The sun coming up on Rivington Pike.
Kaz, don't.
I didn't mean to That's not counting the things I've had to imagine.
May 26th, '99.
United winning the treble.
What did it look like? Ole Solskjær scoring the goal.
What did that look like? What does he look like? My wedding, Beth.
What was that like? My wife.
What was she wearing? My sons being born.
What do they look like? - What do they look like now? - Kaz, don't.
My imagination works overtime, Beth.
It is fully engaged, 24-7.
But I still have no way of knowing how beautiful my children are, and I don't suppose I ever will, so, yeah, I am familiar, just a bit, with stress.
Kaz I Phil, I really think we should just go round to Dad's and have it out with him head on.
You are feeling incredibly heavy.
So incredibly heavy, you couldn't move a single muscle, not even the smallest flicker of an eyelid.
Nita? Nita? Can you hear me? Huh? Alice.
How did you get in? I have a key.
- I don't know what you're imagining - I don't need to imagine.
I've been there, got the badge, done the process.
Oh, except for it was all shite, wan't it? - The process.
Your qualifications.
- That depends on how you - Your certificates, worthless snides.
- Look, I'm sure we can talk this through.
The stuff you were saying under hypnosis, highly incriminating.
You wouldn't want the authorities to So why don't we agree to just let this rest? We can all walk away, no harm done.
I want you to know how grateful I am to you for teaching me something really valuable.
Police, please.
Flight BA974 to Rome is now boarding.
Please proceed to Gate 23.
Front door's jammed.
I'm using the back.
- You said it was urgent.
- Yeah.
- Are you OK? - I had a slight mishap.
- I just thought - How hard can it be? Thought you'd just leap aboard something you've got no way of controlling.
Oh, hello.
Pot calling kettle.
FYl, know which I'd choose.
But by all means, drag it out.
Watching Nita trying to out-manoeuvre Phil always had a high entertainment factor, especially as the result never varies.
Now, if you wouldn't mind, I could do with your help with this.
Where's the stopcock? Tried turning it off? It's in the cellar somewhere.
Well, I seem to remember Dad saying it was underneath.
- Underneath what? - The floor, I think.
And you knew what he was like and you didn't think to mention it? - Give me a break.
I rescued you, didn't I? - Well, yes.
- Come on, Nita.
I know you can do it.
- What? Mouth makes a shape like this.
Thank you.
Well, yes, obviously, I'm grateful.
And, anyway, how was I to know you'd consult a - What? - Shrink.
In case you'd forgotten, I keep thinking I've seen Dad.
Yeah, Nita.
Nita, about that Nita - God, I am such an idiot.
- What? - How could I not have realised? - Nita.
"Also partial to Scotch eggs, but don't bother with mini quiches.
" Wanker! - Nita, what? - I've been going round the twist! Bastard! - Well, this stops right now! - Nita, what is going on? Nita! Nit Nita.
- What are you doing here? - Get after Nita.
Get after Nita! - Where are we going? - Follow her.
All right.
I'm getting me bloody belt on.
What's going on? Nita, what you doing? We're out back.
Come round.
You bastard! - What? - What? What? Oh, I wonder.
- "Also partial to Scotch eggs"? - Sorry? - To go with the mini quiches? - What? - For your birthday party? - I think you're Losing it? Am I? That would suit you, wouldn't it? Head-the-ball Nita, always knew she was a bit of a scoob.
It was you, wasn't it, outside my house? In his clothes.
- Nita - And the shopping mall and with the dogs.
- Wasn't it? - Are you OK? As OK as you'd be if someone was dressing up as your dead dad! Nita, the thing is What happened? - Digger went a bit doolal.
- How? You know, Dennis, I did think is this such a great idea, diggers and all that? It's not my shout.
Purchaser's made it part of the deal.
Work to start as soon as contracts are exchanged.
- Which is? - Yesterday.
- What's that? - Drilling, in the cellar.
Nash, what are you doing here? - I'm gonna have to get the floor up.
- What for? - To find the stopcock, turn the water off.
- Tell him to stop.
We need to get under the flags.
You can't think why that would be a really bad idea? If we don't stop the water, we're gonna be needing a dinghy out there.
- Stop digging, please! - Someone tell me what's happening.
- Now what? - Dennis, where's the fuse box? - Uh, I can't remember.
- It's not normal.
Dennis should just let go.
He should get on with his life and so should you.
- What the? - Do you think I don't want to? I would just love to pretend this never happened.
Pretend what happened? There.
- It's that easy.
- What is this? If it weren't for us, there'd be no house to sell or will to sort or urn sat on the table.
- Jesus.
- I don't get it.
- Where is this coming from? - We snuffed him.
We may not have pulled the trigger but we loaded the gun.
I need to get out of here.
If it was me, I'd be planning elsewhere, extricating me nose from Dennis's arse, stop making plans about other people's houses and turn me attention to me husband and his ex-girlfriend and what they might be planning.
Don't you care? Do you even have a conscience? Oh, Christ.
Yeah, I do.
And it's made its point.
The night it all happened, my conscience was wide awake and very vocal.
Now it's had its say.
Now it can go back to sleep.
Sorry, cock.
Did I give you a turn? Just Just swear to me.
Tell me He's real, Nita, not imagined, not a ghost.
Just an arsehole.
Always had time for you.
Speak your mind.
I like that.
Why, Dad? What was the point? - Pretending to be dead.
- What did you possibly hope to achieve? You knew he was still around? Did you? And you were gonna tell me when? Today, actually, if you hadn't been mind-jiving with Brycie babe.
Dad, what you've done, it's actually immoral.
Is it? Is it? So, what would you call harassing a pensioner? - Trying to drive him out of his own home? - Who'd do that? - I wouldn't call it harassing.
- You didn't? - I just made a couple of calls.
- 17 calls.
- Suggesting - Threatening.
- Inviting - Scaring the shit out of.
- Her own father.
Her own flesh and blood.
- Sack it, Dad.
- What? - The flesh and blood crap.
- No one's suggesting Nita was in the right.
- I don't know.
- Can you say you didn't on some level - Deserve it? The intimidation? The deceit? Now we're talking about deceit, can we discuss the small matter of the contracts that I exchanged on this house? - You've what? - You bought this? - How? When? - The day after the funeral.
While yous were all gassing on about selling, I came and sounded Dennis out.
- You didn't think to mention this? - It was a private matter.
I thought it'd be interesting watching you scrap over it, see your true colours.
- Except no one did scrap.
- Hello.
- So when were you gonna tell me? - Well, that depends.
Maybe never if I did it up and sold it.
Maybe next year if I did it up for us.
Us? As a family? Are we a family? - How much did you offer? - Damn sight more than you did.
I gave a good price, out of respect for the family connection.
Mate, I'm sorry.
You have no idea how much I didn't wanna get involved with this.
The deal is still gonna go ahead as planned? - Well, no, obviously not.
- Too right.
Why wouldn't it? - What do you mean? - But the funeral.
You were cremated.
- How did you? - Empty box.
No, before, in the coffin.
Candlelight's so much kinder on the complexion.
Hides the wrinkles a treat, not to mention the overwhelming urge to piss yourself stupid when your family troops in trying to give it "the grief"'.
That's sick.
Oh, God.
The whole thing's Worked, though.
How else was I gonna get you all back under one roof again? - You could have asked.
- Could I? You've been AWOL for 20 years.
What short of spectacular was gonna get you back up the M6? What, all the bullshit? Getting us here under false pretences? Since when did you object to bullshit? Oh, suddenly when nothing's a pretence.
- All right, let's get it all out in the open.
- What? Anyone got something they want to share? Can I speak to you, please, in private? - Why in private? - Dad? Why can we not hear unless there's something to hide? Obviously there's something to hide.
And you are the last person to be lecturing on that subject.
- Do you want it to come out? - Which bit in particular? The cellar, Dad.
We're lucky it's not already happened.
Que sera, sera.
You don't think you owe it to me and Beth? I'm sorry? Have you any idea of what it's cost us to keep quiet? Oh, that was me, was it, not you, then, keeping shtum because it suited you? - How? - Kept you away, didn't it? Any excuse, just so long as you needn't have owt to do with me.
Wash-out Dad, hard work at best, cringing embarrassment at worst.
Don't tell me you weren't glad to keep your distance.
Yeah, 'cause I've just loved losing touch with my family for 20 years.
That's really worked for me.
Oh, hasn't it just? All kinds of things it suited you to keep out of the light.
Oh, yeah.
I'm not as daft as I look, lady.
I shouldn't have stayed away.
And you were right.
I was a shite parent.
So, why didn't you come clean when you had the chance in there just now? It's not my secret.
Fair enough.
It's mine.
- And it's high time it was out there.
- What you gonna do? Dad, you can't Not after all these years.
Dad! Beth! What's he doing? Dad, don't.
This isn't the way to Bah! Come on! Let's get it all out in the open! - It's all right.
- Dad, stop! Alice is gonna faint.
What's the matter with her? Oh, Jesus Christ! Now, girls, that's no way to greet your mother.
Collected her from the airport, treated her to lunch and fetched her back here.
It's a lightning visit but one which I can safely say we won't forget in a hurry.
- You knew she wasn't - Under the floor? Yeah.
But I'd no idea she was gonna tip up here.
To be with me on my 65th.
Don't flatter yourself, Stanley.
I got wind of a will in the offing.
I'm here to make sure me name's at t' top of t' list.
- He thinks she's joking.
- I saw.
I saw.
- There was a hole.
She was in it.
- For God's sake, Alice.
She was lying there.
He had a shovel.
He He was gonna - You saw that? - I thought - I thought - What did you tell them, Stanley? - There was a grave.
She was in a grave.
- Don't think we should call Dr Barticle? You were lying there.
I saw you.
I saw you, too, sweetie.
Eyes out on stalks.
So I assumed you'd soon let the rest of 'em know I'd walked.
- Well, she didn't.
- She was in shock.
- I don't think she remembered.
- Remembered what? You really think I'd be that easy to bury? Don't even think about it.
You are a pathetic excuse for a man, Stanley.
When I'm away on me travels, I sometimes kid meself there's more to you than meets the eye, and I get a fancy to give you another crack of the whip.
But I shan't be making that mistake again.
- What have you done? - You tell me.
20 years we've wasted on a so-called secret which turns out - Why, why didn't you tell us? - I shouldn't have had to tell you! How dare you even think I'd be capable of killing your mother.
- Dad, you were about to pave over her! - Never.
I never thought of meself as a murderer.
I never believed meself capable.
Me top her, the love of me life? But you two, the fact that you thought I could, I was appalled.
I wanted nothing more to do with you.
I cut you out without a qualm.
- No, actually, Dad, it was us cut you out.
- That's right, for 20 years.
- How vindictive can you get? - What? Deprived of me own kids, me grandkiddies, sidelined, neglected, a pariah.
One that still loves the sound of his own voice.
- For God's sake, where's the logic? - What logic? This is about feelings, the feelings of a father, the needs of a father.
- What does he need now? - His own family.
- Back together under this roof.
- Here we are.
- So he can bid his fond farewells.
- Why? Is he off somewhere, is he? Old Cardwell at the hospital, I asked him how long I've got.
Three month, he give us, four at most.
So, we who are about to croak salute you.
The old git having a party and we're going? - But you hate him.
- He's circling the plughole.
Make an effort.
Don't go overboard.
It's a piss-up, not a state funeral.
Go on, get out.
Go on.
God, you should have seen me mam.
Talk about dog rough.
You can't even begin to imagine.
But I'll do me best, as per.
When was the last time you wore your wedding ring? I never wear me wedding ring.
It's a hazard.
I operate machinery.
- I wish you would wear it.
- I don't think it fits any more.
Do you even know where it is? Somewhere.
I need to say something.
Um What you said this morning You know, what it's been like .
for 19 years.
I've no excuse for not saying.
Except I knew you'd leave me.
Which I wouldn't blame you for.
It was me.
Did it.
Caved your skull in.
You knew.
- How long? - Day one.
Oh! Oh, Kaz.
Oh, Kaz.
Kaz I know I can't ever make it up.
I would never ask you to forgive me.
But if you knew what it's been like seeing you every day.
Knowing what I know, what I did.
It doesn't work like that, Beth.
Self-pity City.
It's harder than that.
Much harder.
You wanna know what it takes? Graft, commitment, care.
Of you, not me.
Bar goggles, I'm in decent shape.
But you, you're destroying yourself on a daily basis.
Snouts, booze, shit scran.
Not good enough.
- Kaz, what can I? - Here's how it works.
I'm planning on hanging around a good 40 years before I cark it.
So when I hit my 80s, then I reckon I'll need some input.
Spoon-feeding, pill crushing, mopping up the piss and drool.
So I need you to stick around, Beth, fit, healthy, delivering big style.
- But what can I? - I need that guarantee.
- But - That is the price.
My forgiveness.
Help yourselves to food and drink in the hall.
Ageing pothead and vindictive old git at large.
Mind your backs.
I was thinking when you go back to Marrakech, I could come and stay wi' you.
- I'm not really geared up for visitors.
- We could have a proper catch-up.
- I'm not good at chitchat.
- Not even with family? Sweetheart, you might have noticed, I don't really do family.
Wow! Isn't this great? - So, who have we got here, then? - Ethan, Lola, this is your grandad.
Well, you can give us a hug, can't you? - I'm not the bogeyman.
- That's a matter for debate.
- So, who wants to meet Granny? - Less of the "Granny", knobhead.
- Funny thing, the memory.
- Yeah? Rose-tinted specs and then you remember.
We've all been there.
- Nita.
- I'm gonna grab a beer.
We're not gonna let him get away with it, are we? We deffed him out for 20 years.
- How is that relevant? We're his family.
- True what they say.
All want our 15 minutes of fame.
Well, we've got hours of the stuff here.
You all right, Kaz? Well, not one to moan, but this is one night I would love a working pair of peepers.
Right, where's the sparklers? He filmed us all.
He had cameras everywhere.
Why would anyone go to all that trouble just to see what his family thought of him? - Couldn't he just ask? - Yeah.
Like we really do telling the truth around here.
Yeah, well, maybe we should start.
- Dougie.
- He can wait.
I'll be quick, honest.
Hey, Dougie.
What's up? You said anything? No.
- She looks shaky.
- Yeah, she does.
- Nash? - I could take the easy option, Phil.
Maybe I should.
Maybe it's simpler all round.
Walk away, don't even think about "what if?" Or I could make the tough call, stay with Nita.
Work at it, and it will take work.
Because of you, because I will always Nash, guess what? Vinny Haslam was impressed by the scale of my ambition and he's willing to take a leap of faith.
- We got the contract.
- Wow, that's great.
- Nita.
- Yeah? You notice anything? Family party? - Oh, yeah, I know - Business can wait.
True, dare, kiss, command or promise? True.
Is it true that? Yeah.
What's that? - What? - So it wasn't lost? Mislaid.
No, you're all right.
- How come? - Because, killjoy .
you've got yourself a deal.
Come on, lads! Get stuck in! This is to make up for all those bonnies I never got invited to.
- Down the hatch.
- Absolutely.
Whoo! Whoo! I'm just gonna talk to your Auntie Phil.
So, when are you due? About four weeks after you.
Awesome! Dan must be totally stoked.
We're both very pleased.
I know what you're thinking.
Was it planned? We just got carried away.
So what do you think of Nita's new project? She's convinced she made a shit job of the first two.
- This is her final attempt to get it right.
- Ha-ha.
You guys don't buy that shizz.
You just know I dig you big style.
You look beautiful, really.
- In fact, it makes me wonder - Oh, just stop it.
- So Dan couldn't make it, then? - Work stuff, you know.
That'll have to change.
Kids need both their parents around.
Well, I'll try and live up to your towering standards.
- I'm really happy for you.
- Thank you.
Five months, eh? So that means you must have struck oil just after you got back to London.
- Yep.
- So you've a dinkier bump than Nita.
Well, I'm about four weeks behind her.
You look amazing.
No fags, no fry-ups, eight units a week.
It's hell.
- So Nash sorted you a house out? - Mm-hm.
With a big garden and lots of kennel space.
- That's handy.
- Certainly is.
I've opened a canine refuge.
- Excuse me.
We've opened.
- So you've left Nita's? - Yeah.
I'm me own boss now.
- Excellent.
Nita gets to be lady of the manor after all.
- Well, expanding family.
She'll need it.
- Yeah.
Little swine.
First babies, you know, always show less.
- Do they? - Oh, yeah.
So, actually, you could be as pregnant as Nita but 'cause it's your first, you you look less.
Fancy that.
Will you ever tell him? No.
I leave for London tonight, New York tomorrow.
Listen, you have to know, if there could have been any other way There wasn't? Have you got a minute? Beth, meet Dan.
- Daniella Kendricks.
- Jesus.
Really? I'd no idea.
Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.
- You smartarse.
- Like you can't believe.
- Who else knows? - Only Dennis.
Time to shoot.
Come here.
- New York for Christmas? - Deffo.
I've got a train to catch! I'll call you! Dramatic exits.
But she always did have to be centre of attention.
- Makes you wonder.
- Hm? - If she really has.
- What? Got it all.
Does she? Probably.
Come on.