True Jackson, VP (2008) s02e03 Episode Script

210 - True Parade

True Jackson, VP was filmed I in front of a live studio audience.
Here's your Christmas present.
You got me a purple room full of junk? No, a psychic reading.
Don't you wanna know your future? I already know my future.
I'm having a ham sandwich for lunch.
My mom already got me the perfect Christmas present, sparkly pants.
Bam! Look at these things.
Those are definitely awesome.
You know what's not awesome? This place.
I'm kinda freaked out.
By what? Uh, hello? Someone who talks to dead people.
I'll bet she's really creepy.
Who wants cookies? I do.
Yes, please.
Hi, kids.
Hi, krofta, these are my friends, Ryan and true.
Krofta? What kinda name is krofta? It's a common American name.
Who wants to go first? Krofta.
That's right.
And how would you spell that? Just like it's pronounced.
K-r-e-u-f-t-l-v-a, krofta.
Shall we start? True can go first.
I don't know.
Well, have you ever been to a psychic? No, but one time this fortune teller told my dad that the ghost of an old math teacher lived in my attic and he sold the house.
He's not scared of ghosts, but he's terrified of math.
Okay, just put your hands on the table and behold the ball of truth.
Yes, what do we have? Oh, this is terrible.
What? What is it? It's covered in smudges.
There, that's better.
Okay, let's see, uh-huh, uh-huh, interesting.
I see three things.
Is one of them a crazy made-up name? Okay, you know what? Okay, I see three things, a red jacket, an angry man, and a million eyeballs.
True Jackson's cellphone.
Hey, Oscar.
Okay, I'll tell her.
You know that staff meeting I forgot to tell you about? It starts in 10 minutes.
If you two are also in a rush, I can do both at the same time.
Great.
Huh.
It looks like one of you is gonna win a thousand dollars today.
Awesome.
That's great.
And the other one is going to break their arm.
Not awesome.
Un-great.
Who? Which one of us? It's hard to tell, it's still a little blurry.
Gosh, it says no streaks, but all I see are streaks.
Can you get to the point? Yeah, let me see that thing.
Hey, put that down, it's delicate.
Don't worry, I'm an athlete.
I can totally fix that.
Might you have a tube of glue handy? Sorry, I'm late.
Lulu dragged me to her psychic.
Not that I believe in psychics, but a red jacket.
It's my holiday coat.
From my head to my toes it's all real and you know fresh and cool it's just what I do t-r-u-e j-a-c-k-s-o-n v-p working at a grown-up job I never really knew I could work this hard just used to sit at home and watch tv now I'm in an office as the new vp I'm always setting trends with my two best friends when things get out of hand we have a plan we're just messin' around and we're makin' new ground for the whole wide world to see if you see us in town you know it's goin' down 'cause I'm the new vp today, people, I am looking for a great new idea.
Not a great idea that's old, not a new idea that's bad.
A great new idea.
Do you believe in psychics? No.
Amanda, you had something to add? I wasn't talking.
Um, now, why am I looking for a great new idea, you may wonder? Because it's the holidays.
And nothing says holidays like more work.
What if a psychic predicted something and part of it came true? Then would you believe in them? No.
Amanda, your constant distractions are making me a bit angry.
It wasn't me, Max.
An angry man! There's another one Amanda! That's quite enough, Amanda! Now, to sum up, I want a great idea from everyone in this room by the end of the day, dismissed.
Not you, Kopelman.
Hang back a moment.
It was kinda weird seeing Mr.
Madigan in that red jacket, just like that psychic predicted.
It's kinda making me worried about the million eyeball part.
How do you think Lulu feels knowing she's gonna break her arm? Me? She didn't say me.
Well, it's not gonna be me.
I'm an athlete.
Mail.
Thank you, Jimmy.
You're welcome, glitter-pants.
Oh, these old things? And this just came for you, Lulu.
I think it's good news.
Don't tell me you're psychic, too.
No, I opened it and read it.
Oh, my gosh! I'm a finalist in the citywide essay contest.
The first prize is a thousand dollars.
A thousand dollars? It says that? Yep.
Well, how many finalists are there? Like a million? Three.
Three? Congratulations, Lulu.
Don't congratulate her.
She just broke my arm.
This is a terrible new development.
Well, at least you know you're gonna break your arm.
That's way better than having it be a surprise.
No, that's the worst way.
I'm gonna be nervous all day! Ryan, give me a hand? What do you need? There's some mail jammed in the sorter, I need you to reach in and pull it out.
Why me? 'Cause you have slender arms, like a little girl.
Why don't you use a stick? Yeah, right, where am I gonna find a stick? Okay, I need to come up with a great idea.
I've got one.
I'm going to buy a jet pack with my thousand dollars.
I meant for Mr.
Madigan.
I can't think of anything.
Not me, I'm full of ideas.
You know my new jet pack? I'm gonna have it painted pink with streamers on the handles.
Boom! There's two ideas right there.
Lulu, be serious.
Mr.
Madigan was clear wanting everyone to think of something.
My aunt, Emily told me a great trick for when you really need to think of something.
Doesn't your aunt Emily live in a tent? Just 'cause it's fun.
She has a giant house, too.
Okay, what's her idea? She said to shut your eyes really hard then turn around once and then open them.
And the first thing you see, that'll lead you to your idea.
Try it, what do you have to lose? What's the first thing you see? A tv remote.
Turn it on.
This has been just the facts.
I'm Burt burlington, reminding you to look for me, later today at the Macy's Thanksgiving day parade.
And for those of you wondering what I'll be wearing, I have no idea.
Stay classy.
That's it.
What? Remember the coat I designed for mad style's winter line? I can get him to wear it in the parade.
It's huge.
The coat? The idea.
It'd be great publicity for the company.
Yeah, that's almost as good as the idea my aunt Emily came up with.
It's a little chip that turns off your radio if coldplay comes on.
Oh, I gotta get that.
Jimmy, I'm really not comfortable sticking my arm into some machine.
Hey! It's not "some machine," okay.
This is a galveston sorter.
The blades inside that hole are solid steel.
Yeah, I'm just gonna take off.
Remember the time I did you that favor? No.
Well, I would have.
Guy, I'm a little freaked out, okay? Lulu's psychic said that sometime today, I'm going to break my arm.
Whoa.
She said it was today? Yeah.
Then all you have to do is make it through today.
Now, come on just put your arm in there.
No.
Fine, I'll use my drumstick.
See? That's what I was afraid of.
Now, you owe me a stick.
Murray, I need your absolute assurance that there won't be any people dressed up like animals on my float.
I was just talking to swank harrington from riddle me a question.
And he said when he did this parade, there was a zebra trying to kiss him.
That is a deal breaker.
Mr.
burlington I'll take a chicken club, chocolate pudding, and a diet root beer, thanks.
We don't work here.
And it's not really a restaurant.
Oh, Murray, I'll call you right back.
Hey, kids, who can I sign this to, huh? Oh, we don't want autographs.
We're here because I have the perfect coat for you to wear in the parade today.
Is it glittery, like your pants 'cause those are snappy.
Wow.
I know, right? This is a fine coat, little lady.
I'd be delighted to wear this in the parade.
Thank you.
But, seriously, who do you want this signed to, huh? Uh, Amanda.
A-m-a-n-d-a.
D-a? D-a, yeah.
Happy holidays, Oscar.
Ooh, do I smell Pumpkin pie? That's my cologne.
And vanilla ice cream? New body wash.
Great news, Amanda.
I found my one perfect new idea.
What is it? I arranged for a major celebrity to wear a mad style coat in the parade today.
That's amazing.
What celebrity? Burt burlington, that monster from tv? He's not a monster.
Yeah, a monster wouldn't tell you to "keep dreamin'," like it says on the picture.
Max will positively flip out when he hears this.
In a good way.
No, in a very, very bad way.
He hates Burt burlington with every fiber of his being.
I find that hard to believe.
Mr.
Madigan likes everybody.
Not true.
There are two people in this world he despises.
The other is Burt burlington.
If he sees that man wearing a mad style coat on tv, someone will get fired.
Are you sure? Oscar? One time hibbert mentioned just the facts in a meeting and Mr.
Madigan chased him through the office with a sword.
A sword? Where did he get a sword? He bought it just to Chase people who like things he doesn't.
One time he heard me say "talk to the hand," and he chased me through central park.
Mark my words, true.
Under no circumstances can Burt burlington wear a mad style coat in the parade.
Right.
Yeah Laserbeam, is that you? Yes, sir.
Could you give me a hand for a moment? Um, as long as it's nothing dangerous.
I'm trying to be very, very careful today.
Hmm.
I need you to climb up my bookshelf and reach a present I was hiding for Doris.
Yeah, that's the sort of thing I'm talking about.
I'm sure you won't hurt yourself.
That thing's as solid as a mighty oak.
Well, normally I'd be happy to, but Lulu's psychic said that one of us is going to break our arm today.
That's what you wanted me to climb? You said it was as solid as a mighty oak.
Sorry, I meant solid as a rotting oak, lesser known phrase.
Well, I might as well save time and have a cast made now.
Well, you said it was either you or Lulu.
Why don't you go back to the psychic and ask? You're right, I should talk to krofta.
Krofta? Yeah, that's what she said her name was.
It's crazy, right? Actually, krofta is a common American name.
Like Linda or Jennifer or flanessa.
Hey, guys, I'm gonna go back to krofta's to find out for sure which one of us is breaking their arm.
Ask her if she knows any more about that million eyeballs thing.
It's starting to freak me out.
And bring back some cookies.
Mr.
Madigan, you don't hate anybody, do you? No, hate is an awfully strong word.
Who're you thinking of? Burt burlington.
I hate that guy! But why? I don't want to talk about it.
Let's say, for argument's sake, I designed a mad style coat for him to wear in the parade, that'd be a good thing, right? Let me put it this way, if I see a mad style coat on Burt burlington, I will be very disappointed.
Oh man, that's worse than getting fired.
Then I'd fire the person responsible.
What am I gonna do? I already gave Burt burlington the coat.
Maybe Mr.
Madigan won't find out.
How? L tv did you tell Max? Not really.
It didn't think it was the right time with Mr.
Madigan all, "I hate that guy!" Why does he hate him anyway? Because five years ago, Max appeared as a contestant on his show.
He did? It was not Max's finest moment.
Welcome to just the facts, where knowledge is a nine-letter word.
Let's meet our first fact-testant, Max Madigan.
Hello.
Max, it says here you're a fashion designer.
I'm incredibly famous.
Fantastic.
Let's get started, shall we? Our first fact-egory is fashion.
Really? Uh, that hardly seems fair.
Based in New York's Bryant park, this annual event is the largest of its kind.
The fact is fashion week.
Wrong! Wrong? The answer is the New York dress expo.
Let's move to the dunce round? Hi, Burt.
I'm sorry, Mr.
Burlington, but I'm not wrong.
Yes, you are.
No, I'm not.
Yes, he is.
Let's take ten thousand fact units off the board as we move on to our next round.
I've never even heard of the New York dress expo.
Don't talk to me.
It went downhill from there.
Downhill? How could it go downhill? Shockingly, our first fact-testant has missed every single question.
And you know what that means.
Aaah! There's no such thing as the New York dress expo! Go ahead whack him 'til the candy falls out, mindy! You got it, Burt, we'll be back right after this.
Ooh, aah.
Poor Mr.
Madigan.
That must have been so humiliating.
He swore that day that he wouldn't eat again until justice had been served.
Are you telling that Mr.
Madigan hasn't eaten in five years? Oh, no, he gave up on that promise almost immediately after saying it.
What are we gonna do? The parade starts in half an hour.
My only choice is to get that coat back.
But until I do, we can't let him see the parade.
Lulu? Easy-breezy.
I'll turn off every tv in the building while Amanda creates a huge diversion by singing opera in the lobby.
I'm sorry, what? Oh, great, you came back.
Yeah, it's nice to see you too, krofta.
Anyway, this morning you said that either me or Lulu are gonna break our arm.
And I was wondering if there was any way you could make it be her.
Ryan.
I mean, can you tell me which one of us it is? Gosh, oh, that'd be so much easier if you hadn't dropped my crystal ball on the floor.
In my defense, you should've seen it coming.
I wish I'd seen you coming.
She's a very snippy psychic.
Okay, let's take a little look see oh, this is interesting.
It's not me in a cast, is it? It's still a little murky, let me just, wow.
Okay, according to this one of you is gonna become president.
One of who? One of you two.
President? Yeah, for the sake of the world, I sure hope it's me.
Hey, I would make a great president.
I'd grow a beard, buy a top hat, get some wooden teeth and then I'd be like this on a million-dollar bill.
Please, let it be you.
Hey, get me a diet root beer for this float.
There he is.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, can I help you here? I need to talk to Burt burlington.
It's an emergency.
What kind of emergency? I have to take his coat, if my boss sees it on tv he's gonna have a fit.
Listen, I'd love to help you, kid, but no can do.
Performers only.
It'll only be two minutes.
I let you on, I gotta let everyone on.
Seven million people in this city.
At two minutes apiece, that's 26.
6 years.
You want the parade starting in 26 years? Really, I just need to take that coat.
You want to tell that sweet-faced little six-year-old boy the parade's gonna start when he's 32? Lulu.
They won't let me get on the float.
What am I gonna do? Oh, I know.
Do the aunt Emily shut-your-eyes thing.
It worked the first time.
No, it didn't.
That's what got me in this mess, in the first place.
I'm only trying to help.
You don't have to yell at me.
Okay, I'll try it.
Okay, what do you see? All I see is a guy in a gopher suit.
I'll call you back.
Excuse me, gopher? I really, really, really need to get on that float.
So is there any way at all I could borrow your head? Kopelman? It's about to start.
I can't wait to see what Santa's wearing this year.
Hey, Oscar, why don't you turn this off? It's too nice a day to be inside watching tv.
What are you talking about? We always put on the parade.
Well, at least see what else is on.
Right, guys? Don't, don't.
With appearances by the Broadway cast of huzzah! International action star Frank woo, torblots, and just the facts', Burt burlington.
Get away from me, gopher.
I need your coat.
Just give me your coat.
I said, back off me.
Ooh, the parade.
You want me turn it off? What's everyone watching? Nothing.
So is your tree finished? 'Cause we is that Burt burlington wearing a mad style overcoat? I don't believe so I thought I made it perfectly clear that under no circumstances was Burt burlington to wear a mad style coat on tv.
If it's any consolation, he's fighting a gopher.
And losing.
Let go! Let go off that coat.
Let go! Look out.
Well done, gopher! Oscar, find out who is in that suit, I wanna be the first one to shake his paw.
True? There must be a million eyeballs on her right now.
A million eyeballs.
Just like krofta predicted.
That's funny, I have a sister named krofta.
For me? You make a lovely gopher.
I bet you say that to all the girls.
Did Mr.
Madigan see, too? Yeah, I thought he was going to break a rib laughing when you pushed Burt burlington off the float.
I didn't push him.
I scared him.
Not according to the channel 8 news.
They've been showing it all afternoon in slow motion.
Yeah, the best part was when he finally stood up and got hit by a clown on a bicycle.
Hey, goph.
You saw me, Jimmy? Yeah, you were awesome.
You should have your own fan club.
Yeah, and you can be the president.
Deal.
What, the president? That's what krofta was talking about.
Well, I guess, you can say goodbye to your million-dollar bill.
Anyway, this just came for you.
Did you open it? Of course not.
I never open bad news.
How do you know it's bad news? I opened it.
Oh no, I didn't win the essay contest.
Darn it! Great, now I broke the arm of my chair.
Wait, wait a minute, you broke your arm Of my chair.
And you're not winning a thousand dollars.
That means I'm winning a thousand dollars.
I'm a thousandaire! I'm a thousandaire! Oops! Are you okay? No, I think I broke my arm.
Oh wait, I read it wrong.
I did win.
This is the best day ever.
You wanna go celebrate? How 'bout Sushi? I've got a better idea.
Why don't we swing by the emergency room, and they can stuff my bone back into my arm? And then Sushi? Mm-hmm.
Oh, come on! From my head to my toes it's all real and you know fresh and cool it's just what I do t-r-u-e j-a-c-k-s-o-n v-p