Twenty Twelve (2011) s01e06 Episode Script

Episode 6

Oh, I think he's going to get the gold! Coe has beaten Cram! What a marvellous finish! And Seb Coe gets the gold medal! There may be trouble ahead But while there's moonlight and music And love and romance Let's face the music and dance Let's face the music and dance.
I don't care.
Well It's Monday morning.
Already it's not a good start to the week for 2012's Head of Deliverance, Ian Fletcher.
Over the weekend he's run into problems with his wife over the level of his commitment to a recent programme she's drawn up for him to reconnect with his emotional life.
That's what you don't seem to But things are about to get worse.
Look, I don't care.
- Morning, Sally.
- Oh, hi.
So, we have a giant pile of horse shit - on the pavement outside.
- Yes.
- I'm assuming that's not an accident.
- They're looking at the CCTV now.
Apparently it was just there when it became light this morning.
If it is, it's an accident of truly epic proportions.
I pity the horse involved.
Seb's office have been trying to get hold of you.
Yes, I know.
I thought I'd better see the size of it for myself first.
Just a wild guess, this is the Greenwich Park Separatist Movement, isn't it? Yes, I think that's the idea.
I think the feeling upstairs is it might be a better idea - if you dealt with it rather than Seb.
- Great.
- I think he thinks it'd - That's a much better idea.
I don't know if you want a cinnamon Danish whirl with your cappuccino? Why not? Live dangerously.
They had fresh ones left when I arrived, so I picked one up just in case.
If they've got any shit sandwiches, maybe you could pick up one of those, too.
Right Oh, sure.
After months of bitter argument, local feeling about the decision to use Greenwich Park as a venue for Equestrian events in 2012 is running high.
Apparently this Ward guy is a bit of a, you know, a Well, not a great deal.
I know he was thrown out of the last council meeting, so Apparently he called the Chair of the Planning Committee a useless fatso.
Well, I know, but even so Absolutely.
Yes, absolutely.
No, absolutely.
No, not at all, that's fine.
Strategically, the last thing we need is for you to be wading knee deep in Absolutely, not at all, not in the least The strategy is to keep this as low key as possible.
The press will no doubt get hold of it, they love this kind of thing, but it makes sense to keep Seb well out of it, so that's all good.
- How do you feel about it? - No, that's great.
- You don't feel you've been dumped in? - No.
I know exactly what you want me to say and I'm not going to say it, OK? I mean, it's not exactly the Monday morning I was hoping for, particularly after this weekend, but no, it's good, it's all good.
So what happened at the weekend? I don't think we really need to talk about that, do we? Er, well, I mean I'm not really sure what there is to say about a 48-hour stony silence.
Come on.
Here we go.
Leave it! Leave it! Go on! Go on, Otis, go on.
Where's it gone? Tony Ward is no stranger either to controversy or to cameras.
That's great, that's very real.
Today, it may be a BBC London News team, but 30 years ago, in 1979, he won a BAFTA for his film Intravenous, which has since gone on to achieve near-cult status amongst those who saw it.
Maybe you could just do that one more time? No, I think that's enough for now, for fuck's sake.
After the success of Intravenous, Ward had a spell in Hollywood where he made almost two other films in the 1980s, before eventually returning to London to make a series of commercially less successful, but highly personal marriages.
His house has overlooked Greenwich Park ever since and last year he became sole founder of the Greenwich Anti-Equine League.
The horse lobby are a bunch of fucking tossers.
Since Greenwich was chosen as the venue for equestrian events, he feels he has become trapped between various bureaucratic bodies, which are disinclined to listen to the voice of the ordinary individual.
In these circumstances, he feels his campaign of action is not only a reasonable but an appropriate response.
- See how the fuck they like that.
- Right.
The irony of it is, I used to rather like this fucking country.
I mean, yes, sure, I may have made a contribution to shaking it up - in my own small way.
- Right.
Yes, you know, I'll grant you that.
- Right.
- But the thing is Sorry, in what way exactly? Well, through my work.
Oh, right.
Oh, yes, right, yes, of course.
But that's only because I love it.
- It's like beating your wife.
- Er, right Which I've also done, obviously, but I'm not proud of it, but there's a kind of honesty in that moment that people really don't like to talk about.
- No.
No, right.
- This is not a local issue.
It's not about me.
This is a symptom of a much wider malaise in this country.
I mean, they've managed to fuck up just about everything else.
That That patch of ground out there is It's just about the only thing that keeps me fucking sane in this world.
Back at the Olympic Deliverance Commission, it's the end of the day, and for Ian there's a first sighting of his new adversary.
What you've got to imagine is 200 heavy-thighed competitors camping around in tights and leather boots with whips.
God knows how many hundreds of horses, complete with horse boxes and Christ knows what else, trampling the grass into porridge and crapping at will, and 20,000 pubescent girls from second-rate public schools in Surrey with dreadful aspirational mothers arriving every day to watch it all.
In the meantime, ahead of tomorrow's planning meeting, this is one protest that the Olympic authorities aren't going to enjoy sweeping under - Well, seems like a reasonable man.
- Yes.
Good to see the whites of his eyes anyway.
- Yes.
- Right.
It's been a long day, but Ian knows he's going to have to go home at some point.
Nice dog.
- Yes.
- I like dogs.
No, the dog's fine.
I've never had one.
They're too much trouble, aren't they? Well, you can have trouble without having a dog.
Yes, good point.
OK, well, you're just here for a bit, are you? - Yes, probably.
- Right.
Just got a bit to do, you know.
Bloody e-mails.
- Don't get me started! - It's getting ridiculous.
It is ridiculous.
Well, see you tomorrow then.
Not a problem.
It's Tuesday morning, and as Ian arrives for work, there's good news and bad news in the horse-manure department.
It's me, obviously.
I don't want to talk, in case you're wondering.
Probably not.
I left my keys somewhere in the house last night, so I can't get in.
The pavement outside the Olympic Deliverance Commission is clear, but yesterday evening, Tony Ward's campaign of protest became more personal when the latest special delivery was deposited outside Ian 's own front door.
Seem to have a vague smell of horse shit following me around.
I think I've tracked it down to my trousers, so I need to get some fresh clothes and stuff.
OK? Right.
I'm going to turn my mobile off, so you can leave me a message, or send me and e-mail or something.
OK? Right.
I suppose it's partly my fault.
It all got a bit out of shape for a while last night.
I won't go into detail.
OK, she'd had a bit of a shock.
No-one likes to arrive home to find some guys from the anti-terrorist unit pushing a big pile of shit around on your doorstep.
What were they doing there? I don't know.
Making it safe, apparently.
So that's all good.
Plus, Eileen from next door got in a state about it.
Because of the? I don't know, it was her daughter's birthday.
- She thought they'd bought her a pony.
- Oh, right.
But my strategic error was, I went out about midnight, just to, you know - Yes.
- And I left my keys behind.
In retrospect, that was a very basic error.
So how did you get back in? That's what I'm saying.
I had to spend last night in the car.
- God, that's - So, yeah.
I mean, it's a Volvo Oh, well, at least But, you know, how can I put this? It's an enclosed space in which to discover you've managed to get horse shit on your trousers somehow.
Ian's wife Laura is a busy lawyer in her own right.
We asked her to take part in this programme, but she was clear she didn't want any of her personal details to be identified either psychologically or legally.
Meanwhile, back at the ODC, other members of the Deliverance are working hard to prepare for the Greenwich Park decision.
It's on a very large scale, so it's the entire park, OK? We've got every single tree individually marked out, so we know exactly where they are.
Well, that's good.
But we already know where the trees are.
You can go and look where they are, it's not a secret.
Yes, OK, but still Head of Sustainability Kay Hope is in a meeting with Nigel Fox from the London Wildlife Stag Beetle Outreach Project.
The issue is, stags don't live in trees, they live in stumps.
Right, yes.
So how many stumps have you got marked on there? OK.
Excuse me Kay's hope is that she can convince him of the ODC's commitment to the preservation of the park's delicate ecosystem.
It's a globally threatened species, protected under the Wildlife and Countryside Act, listed as a priority for the UK and London Biodiversity Action Plan When it comes down to it, it means bugger all.
OK, so here's one.
Here's a stump.
There's another one here and here.
Those are wastepaper bins.
And they will stay exactly where they are, we're absolutely committed to that.
OK, fine.
So I'd need to be there by 7.
30? OK.
Well, that would be great if you could.
Yes, thanks.
And it'll be live? Sure.
No, that's fine.
No, that's all good.
So I guess Meanwhile, as media interest in the Greenwich Park protest grows, Ian has had a call from the BBC inviting him to take part in a discussion with Tony Ward on tomorrow morning 's Radio Four Today programme.
OK, great.
Well, fantastic.
See you tomorrow.
Wow! I don't know if you actually like kiwi fruit.
- Yes, I do.
- It's full of vitamin C.
I mean, this is fantastic.
It's not a problem.
I've seen those proposals.
The reason why there's no stumps on your plans is-nobody's talking about this - but those proposals involve quietly removing five of the seven remaining tree stumps in the park.
- Five? - Yes.
To make it look better on TV, obviously Meanwhile, Kay and Nigel Fox are getting down to the nitty-gritty.
In numerical terms, five is a very high number, obviously.
It's been a very unpleasant battle to preserve those seven as it is.
- No, look, I'm on your side, Nigel.
- It's been bloody, I can tell you.
I am fighting the same battles in this organisation every day.
OK, it's only a beetle, - but it gets to you in the end.
- Well, it's more than a beetle.
It's always more than a beetle, that's the thing about sustainability.
It's all very well these R-shirt animals The bloody hedgehog.
Well, fine.
- But somebody's got to stand up.
- Yes.
I mean, you spend two to three years inside the same damp tree stump - even before you become a pupa.
- Yes.
You spend another whole winter in there, inside the pupal case.
Then, just when your brief time is coming, just when it's beginning to get warm, some JCB comes along and flattens the whole bloody lot.
I'm going to do something about this.
"It's unfortunate if there is the odd isolated individual "who may not have come on that journey with us.
" What the fuck does that mean? Meanwhile, over in Greenwich, Tony Ward has already started making preparations for tomorrow morning's radio debate.
This salad dressing is the only thing my third wife did for me.
Really? Olive oil, white wine vinegar, tablespoon of Dijon, tablespoon of honey.
Seven years of fucking marriage for that.
So how are you going to prepare for the debate tomorrow? It's not even as if I like salad that much, but my doctor's some kind of fucking Nazi.
No sooner do you go in there, they've got their finger up your fucking bum.
- They love all that.
- Good.
So how are you going to prepare for tomorrow's debate? - OK, let me tell you something.
- Um, right Ah, um When I was shooting Intravenous, people used to bleat on about fucking storyboarding and narrative beats.
- Well, fuck that.
- Right.
Oliver and I used to turn up each morning, look at each other, have a fucking great argument, which he'd normally win, and then we'd do it my way anyway.
And that's the way it was.
- That's what you'd see on the screen.
- Right.
You meet life in the moment, not before it, not after it.
- Right, yes.
- Cheers, mate.
- So, yes, it's me.
- I left you a message earlier.
It's half past six.
My trousers are stinking, I need a shower.
I need to get into the house, OK? So give me a call.
OK? OK, guys, guys, we've got a situation.
Unless we control it, we're out of control.
Back at the ODC, it's been a full day already.
But at the end of the afternoon, Head of Brand Siobhan Sharpe has arrived, confident that she can make it even fuller.
Her idea is that she should chair a workshop in which members of the Deliverance prepare Ian fully for tomorrow morning 's live radio debate.
First up is Head of Infrastructure, Graham Hitchins.
What are the issues here, from your perspective? From my perspective, OK, is there a funny smell in here, or is that just me? - I thought that.
- Did you? I didn't want to say anything cos I thought it might just be me OK, guys, we are at 13 hours and counting, and we're counting down.
Well, in terms of infrastructure, one thing they're going to say is, "There is no way that you're going to get up to 75,000 people "in and out of that park over a two-week period, "not with the public transport network as it is.
No way, OK?" They're going to say that's going to be a total disaster.
- Sure.
- OK? They're going to say Oh, I don't know They're going to say, "It's going to be a war zone in there, you know.
"Hundreds of horses breaking loose, trampling women and children to death" - Thanks, Graham.
Got the picture.
- That's the first thing they'll say.
- OK.
- OK.
Well, the park already has excellent transport connections with the DLR to Greenwich, the overground links to Blackheath, and the Thames River Service to Greenwich Pier.
We've worked very closely with local community groups to devise our Coordinated Movement Plan, which involves the temporary removal of the gates at the Vista Park entrance and dedicated one-way entrance and exit points at St.
Mary's Gate and Circus Gate respectively.
- OK.
Graham? - Yeah, what? - Are we good with that? - Yeah, that's that's fine.
The other thing they're going to say The other thing they're going to go on about is toiletage.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa.
- They are obsessed with that.
OK, we've got a schedule here.
- I'm just saying - Sorry to bother you.
No, no, it's OK.
OK, guys.
Time out.
Back in five.
That's me missing Britain's Got Talent.
Thank you.
- I wrote it down.
- Did you speak to her? No, I'm afraid I just listened.
Whilst the meeting has been in progress, there's finally been a message from Ian's wife.
- She doesn't care where your keys are.
- Right.
Unsettled by the events of last night, she's gone to stay at a friend's house.
Basically, can't bear to be anywhere near you.
- That's all she said.
- That's all.
- Right, OK.
- I didn't write down the other things.
Um, Sally Could I just? I don't think I can really go on the Today programme smelling of horse shit.
I need you to get me some new trousers.
I don't know, but I think Selfridges sometimes stays open 'til ten.
Yes, it does.
Not a problem, I checked.
I wouldn't normally ask you to do this No, that's fine, not a problem.
That's fine, not a problem.
- So, it's Hugo Boss.
38-inch waist.
- Yes, 38, yes.
I tell you what, why don't you just take the jacket, then just ask them to get the trousers that go with that.
Yes, of course.
Here's my credit card.
I'll give you my PIN number.
Yes, absolutely.
If they want my inside leg measurement, I'm afraid you'll just have to use your imagination.
Yes, no, not a problem.
Not a problem.
So, for instance, we've done a survey of every single tree in the park.
- That sounds good.
- It's all fine.
Except, the thing is, the stag beetle doesn't actually live in trees, it lives in tree stumps.
- It's like being on Springwatch.
- It feeds on dead wood.
- I know how it feels.
- I'll have that.
This is actually pretty serious.
No kidding.
No wonder Bill Oddie's a manic depressive.
Meanwhile, Siobhan has decided that Ian and his team are happy to work late into the night if necessary.
From my perspective, from a Sustainability point of view, we're really exposed here.
OK, now I totally get that.
You're absolutely right about this, Kay.
From a Legacy point of view, we're definitely vulnerable.
Legacy? We go in there, spend £34 million putting everything in, then we take it all away.
There is no legacy.
Legacy and Sustainability are not the same.
- They're totally different words.
- Yes, I'm sorry.
- Totally different.
- It's late and I I know they are.
Sustainability is obviously the issue here.
Nobody's thought about it, as usual.
I really think the stag beetle is offering us an opportunity to redeem ourselves.
I really think that.
OK, we're saying we want to remove half the existing tree stumps in the park? It's more than that, it's five out of seven, so that's - It's seven tenths of - OK, guys.
- 71.
- Exactly.
It's a criminal act.
Thank you, Graham.
You've got your keyboard, a touch screen-best of both worlds.
Guys, we've got an issue and we've got to nail it.
Looking at this, it's quite hard to see what's what.
You're telling me! I can't make head nor tail of it.
- Nobody's thought it through.
- What are the little round things? I'm hoping they're pepperoni cos I've just eaten three of them.
There are some trees in the park we may have to lose.
- OK, how many? - I don't know.
Ten or something.
- Not the listed ones, obviously.
- OK.
That's bad enough, but we'll replant.
But you can't replant a stump.
It can't be done.
I know, it's typical.
Welcome to my world.
So let's say we're cutting down ten existing trees.
Why can't that just be ten new tree stumps? - What? - Holy shit.
- Unless I've misunderstood something.
- Uh, well In terms of Sustainability Our legacy you know, the thing will be that, in fact, after the Games there will be more tree stumps in the park than there are now.
Yay! Go, beetle! - That's all very well.
- Yeah, that's a 58.
3% increase.
- That is sensational! - You've got GPS on here, obviously.
Have you got a fast-forward on that thing? OK, look, it's half past ten.
I think we've probably - I know what's going to happen here.
- I know already.
OK, guys.
Good job, I think we're done here.
The Legacy lot will get their hands on this.
You just wait.
- Yeah, great.
- Can I have your dough balls? Sorry I couldn't get down to Dad's at the weekend By the time the meeting's over it's nearly eleven o'clock, but Ian has still found time to phone his sister.
It's a bit late to call out of the blue.
In fact, you're probably in bed already.
But is there any chance of me crashing at your place tonight? Perhaps you could just let me know either way? Mind you, if you're asleep - Sally.
- Oh, hi.
- You're still here? - I had a bit of catching up to do.
- Some spreadsheet-ing.
- You got the stuff! - I just put it over there.
- Oh, that's great, that's perfect.
- Brilliant, Sally.
- Not a problem.
I had them taken up.
They said they couldn't do it there and then cos they were closing, but I pointed out they had a sign on the wall saying, "Free Alteration Service".
- I think they just wanted to go home.
- A tie? - Yes.
- That's really - You don't have to wear it - No, no, no, it's great.
And a razor.
You can take it back.
Or I can if it's easier.
Oh, no, no.
Aftershave balm with soothing aloe vera and healing tea tree oil.
I don't know whether you like tea tree oil.
Sally, this is too much.
- A lot of people don't.
- What's this? It's fine, I can take it all back.
It's not a problem.
This computer is so slow Socks? It's annoying, actually.
They keep saying they're going to replace it, but they haven't.
This is the wrong entrance? Who'd have thought there'd be a wrong entrance and a right entrance? It's the next morning, and Tony Ward's arrival at the BBC has got off to a false start.
Typical fucking BBC.
Perfectly good fucking entrance where everybody used to come in and out.
Then they build another fucking entrance 300 yards up the fucking road.
- Bunch of (BLEEP)! - Generally, are you feeling confident? - This is the wrong way, isn't it? - Er We're going towards the fucking car park.
- Fucking hell.
- Right.
Um Looking at your face, they're also going to be looking at you Meanwhile, Siobhan has made sure that Ian, who is feeling much better-rested this morning, is there early.
The other thing is, it takes 37 muscles to frown, right? Yeah, this is radio, Siobhan.
Yeah, OK, here's the thing about radio.
- Radio's a totally visual medium.
- Yes, I know that.
- Why do you think they've got webcams? - What? The loos are just back here, round to the left, if you need them.
- Right.
- OK.
So, here we are.
- I don't know whether you two have met? - No, we haven't.
- Hi.
- OK, that's enough.
Meanwhile, Tony Ward has finally made it into the building.
- Can I get you a coffee or something? - Yeah, sure.
I'll have a latte with as much caffeine as you can physically ram into it.
- We've just got coffee, I'm afraid.
- OK, forget it.
Or, I don't know We've got tea, or maybe Actually, fuck it.
Just bring me some coffee, love, OK? Fuck it.
Coffee, right.
I know the running order's changing all the time, so I'll go and see what the latest is.
- Yeah, do that.
- Thanks.
Owing to a devastating mudslide in Taiwan, following weeks of heavy rain, Ian and Tony's slot has been put back in the running order.
All they can do now is wait.
I've got nothing to say to him.
Everything I'm going to say, I'm going to say on air.
Him and his bit of media skirt.
Do you already know what you're going to say? They're in for a surprise, I can tell you.
I'm going to be Mr Reasonable.
- Well, that probably will be - Can you take this? I don't want it.
- It's unspeakable.
- Right.
I'm going to be calm, I'm going to be polite, I'm going to be rational.
And I'm just going to let the guy reveal himself as the useless (BLEEP) that he is.
No, I'm feeling pretty good, basically.
It's surprising what not smelling of horse shit does for your confidence.
From what I know of him, I think the longer the wait, the greater the chances of him just overheating and blowing a circuit.
The other good thing is that Siobhan thinks I'm still in the toilet at the moment.
So it's all looking very good.
OK, so here's the situation.
Sorry to have kept you waiting.
No, not at all.
Obviously the running order's gone this morning because of the mudslide.
But we're trying to get you in, since we've got you here.
It looks like you'll be the last item, and you won't have long, I'm afraid.
- OK.
- Ah, fuck.
I'll take you all through.
It might be worth thinking of one or two key things - Stag beetle.
- What? - One or two really key points - Stag beetle.
- OK, thank you, Siobhan.
- If you want to follow me.
It'll just be the two of them in the studio, I'm afraid.
OK, yeah.
I'm sure that could work.
I'm cool with that.
Finally, after all the build-up and preparation, the moment has arrived.
All over the papers, ahead of that planning decision.
We're joined in the studio by Tony Ward, the man responsible for the protest, and also by Ian Fletcher, Head of Deliverance at the ODC.
Now, we're going to have to keep this rather brief, gentlemen, I'm afraid.
Tony Ward, what exactly do you hope to achieve in this campaign? Good morning, James.
These people are a bunch of chinless Stalinists Well, I think we'll have to put that straight to Ian Fletcher.
Chinless Stalinist? - I think - Very briefly, I'm afraid.
Yes, obviously, I'm very sorry that Tony feels that way.
All right, gentlemen, I'm sorry, we'll have to leave it there.
We will return to this again before 2012.
Our editors today were Ollie Stone-Lee and Alexis Condon.
From all of us on the programme, - good morning.
- Good morning.
- Waste of fucking time.
- Typical Radio Four.
It's all plays about women having problems with refrigerators.
Despite all his experience in the film world, Tony has been genuinely surprised by the speed at which live radio can sometimes move.
Meanwhile, by the time Ian has got back to the Olympic Deliverance Commission, there 's a surprise waiting for him.
- Morning.
- Oh, hi.
- So, did you hear it? - Yeah, I did.
I heard it.
- Right.
So what did you think? - There's someone here to see you.
What? Jesus.
Er Fuck.
I offered her a cup of tea, but she said she didn't want anything-or coffee.
- So I just gave her water really.
- Right.
- And then she went in there.
- Right, God.
Well, she's coming out.
His wife, Laura, has decided to drop by.
No, you stay where you are.
- First, as you know, I am a lawyer.
- Yes, hello.
I have not given my consent to be filmed, so if I appear in any way in this, I will sue you personally and I will win.
- Laura! - At least that's all pretty - Would you like a? - You stay exactly where you are.
- Sure, not a problem.
- Laura - So we're turning that off, OK? - Uh, well, shall we? Laura, I think legally you can't What do you mean, where was I? - You locked me out.
- Where did you get that tie from? - What, this? - You haven't got a tie like that.
What's it doing round your neck? - Laura, let's go somewhere and talk.
- We are somewhere, I am talking.
- Uh, shall I? - No, leave that.
- I just thought - Don't think, just leave it! - Sure, not a problem.
- Right, this is between you and me.
I'm not having you talk to Sally like that, OK? I'm not having it! - But really - Sally, please, just shut up.
- Where did you spend last night? - I don't see why I should answer that.
- Were you with her? - This is pointless and it's embarrassing.
In that case, I take your failure to answer as a yes.
That's up to you.
If that's what you think happened, fine, good.
- Actually, can I? - Sally, please, stay out of this.
- Not a problem, I'd like to say - No! - What are you doing with that? - Nothing.
- Is it still on? - No, it's not.
- I sit here every day - Sally! - There's still a light on.
It's still on! - No, it just does that.
I sit and never say much.
It's not a problem or anything, but all my life There may be trouble ahead But while there's moonlight and music And love and romance Let's face the music and dance There may be teardrops to shed So while there's moonlight and music And love and romance Let's face the music and dance Let's face the music And dance.