Twentysomething (2011) s01e04 Episode Script

Episode 4

Jess? Josh? Oh, my God! So, what are you doing at the moment? It's called erotic cleaning.
(Up-beat music) Why are you in your work clothes? Billy's here.
Joshie's up for this? I didn't pick him as a male dancer.
Jess! No! I'm starting to feel a bit filthy.
Get ready for the filthiest clean of your life! All I could make out were cries of 'Rape! Rape! Rape!' This is an all-time low, mate.
A sex worker, really? No, I'm not a sex worker.
Oh, just save it.
Josh, it's Jess.
I've woken up in a suburban nightmare.
I'm heading down the highway on a minor's bike towards the city.
I've got no money for a cab.
I need you to come find me.
OK, thank you.
(Horn toots) JESS: Took your time.
£ I could never learn to fly £ Jumping out of airplanes £ I find it hard enough to survive £ Without falling from the sky £ I could never find peace that way.
£ Josh! I just had the craziest dream.
You were in it.
You were chasing me with a gun.
You were trying to kill me, you crazy bastard.
But it actually wasn't you.
You were in the form of Danny DeVito.
(Laughs) It was very funny.
I wonder what it means.
Why are you wearing a suit? I'm dressed for work.
What work? I've been trying to tell you, but you've been so erratic lately.
Spit it out.
What are you talking about? Well, I decided to take Nick up on the offer.
I'm going to become an intern at the agency.
What? Yeah.
When did you decide this? Since Nick and my counsellor both said it'd be the next best step.
Since when have you had a counsellor? Since the policeman told me I needed to seek professional help.
Thanks to your erotic house-cleaning business they've now got my fingerprints on file.
I'll never volunteer at another nursing home again.
Oh, it was just a funny misunderstanding.
I don't think it's a big deal.
There's nothing funny about an elderly woman undergoing a full rape exam.
OK, well, not now.
But I'm sure even she'll look back on this and she'll laugh.
(Horn toots) Oh, there's Nick there.
Do you know what? I bet you he's really happy that the business fucked up.
He's doing this to you 'cause he hates me.
No, it's not about you.
It's about me.
It's just, you know, we've all got to grow up sometime.
Oh, you're a creep! You've lost it, Josh! NICK: Good morning! Good morning! So, Josh, this is Sally.
She'll be your go-to girl with any questions that you might have, so feel free to call on her for anything.
Hi, Josh.
And come this way.
This will be your office.
Oh, wow.
I get my own office? Nick, it's a pretty big jump to what I'm used to.
I know, mate.
I know.
But we're going to ease you into it, alright? You've done the hardest bit by just admitting you've got a problem.
Oh, yep.
Yeah? Now, listen, I promised Dad I'd look out for you, so just trust what I say and know that I've got your best interests at heart, OK? Yeah, look, I'm ready to listen.
Because these schemes that Jess gets you involved in, they make you look like an absolute joke.
(Dog whimpers) (Dog barks) You following me? Are you lost, little guy? Oh, where do you live? Oh, that's not far.
I can take you home.
Mate, you ready to get out of here? Yeah.
Want to get a knock-off drink? We had a deal, Josh.
Remember when I bailed you out of jail? Oh, yeah.
If I was going to put my neck on the line for you with this job, there'd be no more binge-drinking, no more smoking and no more bullshit.
Yeah, right.
OK? Besides, mate, you get to a certain age where this constant drinking just gets a little sad.
Jesus, Joshie.
You've got to put the bins on the street if you want them emptied.
Oh, yeah, I know.
I know.
Yeah? Josh! I think I've found something better to do than all this office shit.
I told you I'm not doing schemes anymore.
Yeah, I know, I know, but it was like something amazing found me.
I was coming home from the milk bar, and this little dog followed me home.
So I looked at his tag.
Didn't live too far, so I decided to take him home.
And get this.
The owner gave me a $50 reward, just like that.
Wow! I know.
Which got me thinking, who's out there looking for lost dogs? What are you talking about? How many times do you see lost dog posters? They're always covered with 'reward'.
Now, I've done my research, and there are tons of them.
It's a real gap in the market.
If you and I got out there, found a couple of dogs a day, we'd be loaded.
Now, look at this.
That's a crossbreed show dog.
Jess, don't you ever think the joke's on us? Nup, never.
OK, sometimes the joke's on you.
Oh, well, not anymore.
OK, Josh, calm down.
We won't start a lost dog rescue and return business, you've made that clear.
Let's just go to the pub, wind down, have a beer.
No, I won't be joining you at the pub tonight, Jess.
What? Well, I think this constant drinking at a certain age is just getting a bit sad.
I tell you what's sad.
This conversation.
Jess, you're still in your jungle suit.
Oh, big fuck! (Slams door) Joshie.
How's it all going, mate? Yeah, it's good.
I'm just, um, I'm just not always sure what I'm supposed to be doing.
OK, what I like to do for Fiona when she's got too much free time is write her a list.
Now, what I'm going to do for you is write you a list of tasks that need to be completed by the end of the day.
Yeah? Beautiful.
Thank you.
Abby, he is completely possessed.
He's seeing a counsellor.
He's even made a vision board.
(Chuckles) Yeah, you should see it.
It's very exposing.
I mean, I didn't think he was going to take this all so seriously.
But he's actually starting to sound a bit like Nick.
Well, I think it's great.
He never stands up for himself.
It's very manly.
Well, it wasn't.
It was embarrassing is what it was.
You didn't see it.
Look, Jess, I've gotta go.
My break's over.
You bitch.
Hey, Billy, it's Jess.
Hey, hey, this is a nice surprise.
I haven't, er, seen or heard from you since the private show the other night.
Ah, well, I've actually had to hang the cleaner's uniform up for a little while.
Business hit a minor speed bump.
Oh, really? Because I've been keeping my room extra dirty.
You know, just in case.
Oh, really? Well, you couldn't afford us anyway.
Fair enough, fair enough.
So, um, what's the new venture? Not sure yet.
I'm just hatching a plan as we speak.
I had a great one, but Josh thinks he's Beyonce and he's gone solo on me.
Oh, really? Josh has done a runner, has he? Don't worry, he'll come to his senses.
He always does.
He comes back.
So you're down a sidekick and a little bit bored and lonely? Yeah, I am.
I'm going out of my mind.
Can you tell? Of course I can tell.
That's when you call.
I'm Plan B.
I'm the backup guy.
I don't know why everyone's so precious at the moment.
Everyone's in a real mood today.
Look, I'm not precious, I just I gotta go, alright? I'm at work.
I'll speak to you later on.
So you can hang up.
(Thud!) JOSH: Jess? Jess? What are you doing lying on the ground in the dark? Having a breakdown.
Abby's on your side.
Billy just brushed me off.
And you've gone all weird on me.
I just don't know why everything's changing, you know.
It was fine the way that it was.
For you, maybe.
Well, I've decided that I don't want to be a solo artist.
You know, we're a duo, like Miss Piggy and Kermit.
I know, but Miss Piggy walks all over Kermit.
Yeah, but that's what makes them funny.
You know, she needs him to balance her out.
Otherwise, well, she's just this over-the-top nightmare, isn't she? Yeah, well, maybe Miss Piggy has to start taking responsibility for herself, or she's just going to get left behind.
Well, I am trying, Josh.
Actions speak louder than words, Jess.
I'm just a bit lost on what to do next.
Well, maybe I can write you a list.
Get you some structure.
That is probably the grossest thing you've ever said to me.
There is absolutely no way I could stick to a list.
Yeah, no, Nick's right.
We're not going to change.
No! Nick is never right.
Look, if it's going to shut you up, I'll try your list, OK? OK, well, no-one can do it for you.
Promise to try and look for a normal, regular job.
None of these schemes.
Nothing illegal.
Nothing offensive.
Yeah, OK, I get it.
Just write the fucking list.
How are those sketches coming along? Ah, yeah, they're good, I think.
No thinking.
Should be definite.
Did you go to your counselling session at lunch? Yes, tick.
Have you had your protein shake? Tick.
Good! Get back to work, then.
Arr, where's the gold? Whoa.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
You shouldn't be making coffee, mate.
That's what Sally's here for.
Oh, no, she got the last ones.
I don't mind.
Hey, now, listen, listen, listen.
When you get the chance, I want you to have a look at these.
Now, I've circled the one-bedroom apartments closest to work, OK? It's time you got out of that filthy share house environment, yeah? Good.
OK, now I'm not bored and I'm not restless, I'm calling you with a question that only you can answer.
OK, yeah, fire away.
What do guys like to eat? Ah, depends on the guy, really.
Meat's always a good option.
Um, pasta you can't really lose on.
Personally I like cheese.
Good quality cheese.
I'll go for that.
Yeah, well, maybe you should be laying off the cheese wheels a little bit.
What? No (Chuckles) Are you thinking of cooking for me, Jess? Ah, no, don't get too excited.
I'm trying to prove to Josh that I am not selfish.
Right, right, yeah.
Well, um, if you finish with that, I've got the day off tomorrow.
Maybe, um I thought maybe we could hang out.
Oh, I'm supposed to be looking for a normal job, whatever that is.
But how about I pencil you in for now? Oh, OK.
Thank you.
I'm very lucky.
Yes, lucky you.
Now fuck off.
I'm very busy.
I know! Sorry for holding you up.
(Door slams) Where have you been? I had a staff meeting.
Couldn't have called? I've got a lot on my mind.
How'd today's list go? Er Well, this one says 'stay sober'.
I knew you wouldn't try.
I just got really thirsty, that's all.
I'm too tired to argue about it.
That's a surprise.
You're always tired these days.
Oh, don't start this.
I actually thought we could sit down, have a nice meal and not go in there and turn on the idiot box.
Jess, that meal was out of a can.
It's not like you really tried or anything.
My name's Jess.
I'm here to see Josh.
Oh, OK.
Is he expecting you? No, but I'm sure he'll be very excited.
The primary focus for next month (Knock at door) Sorry.
That's OK.
Josh, there's a Jess out at reception for you.
Tell her he's busy.
But before you go, you've got to hear Josh's idea for the new insurance campaign.
It's gold.
(All laugh and chatter) Jess? Is that you? Oh.
Hey! Hey.
Is this your building? My partner, Mark, works here.
Ah, no.
I'm just dropping something off to a client, very quickly.
Are you a courier? No, I'm not a courier, Anita.
I'm a corporate.
I told you that.
I'm like you.
It's just it's casual clothes day today in my building.
It was my initiative.
Everyone brings in a gold coin, they get to wear casual clothes and then we raise money for AIDS.
It's very positive.
You should give it a go at your office.
Look, I can't chat about this, I'm sorry.
I'm running late.
My two o'clock's at my desk as we speak.
OK, sorry for keeping you.
How cute is this? It's like Japanese-cartoon cute.
I know.
Did you buy it? No, I found him.
You going to keep him? No, he's going to make me money.
Get him out.
Really? How? Come inside, I'll show you.
You haven't taught dogs to stitch designer fake handbags, have you? No.
And you know that dog-racing's illegal, yeah? Yep.
Whoa! Jess! I feel like I've walked into Hannibal Lecter's lair.
You're Animal Lecter.
I know it seems a little crazy, but I just want you to focus on all the reward prices.
I mean, if we find all these currently missing pooches, I'll be able to prove to Josh that you don't need to conform to make money.
It is a little bit crazy, though, isn't it? There's a fine line between brilliance and crazy.
Josh is doing it his way.
I've got to do it mine.
Have to admire your originality, Jess.
Thank you.
Now, which one do you think it is? Bark if it's you.
God, imagine if it was Big Bear.
Look at that.
500 clams.
I know.
I'm desperate to find that one.
But I think this might be Ruffy.
Is that me? (Barks) Hey, did you get a chance to look over those properties I circled? Yeah, I did, but I noticed they were all to buy.
Mate, if you are going to make this the next step, then you've got to be serious and make some tough decisions, alright? Renting and Jess are getting you nowhere.
Yeah, but I can't afford to buy.
Listen, listen, I've come up with a scheme for you, OK? Now, if you apply for the first home owner's grant and stick to a strict repayment schedule based on your wage from the agency, I will lend you the money for the deposit.
OK? And we'll have it paid off in, like, 20 years.
20 years? What are you doing? Stop being a bitch.
Hit me properly.
No, no, stop, stop, stop.
Think about someone who really gets under your skin, alright? Ooh! (Laughs) Oh, mate, that is better.
Yeah, beginning to think we weren't related at all.
Come on! Yes! (Toots horn) Got a match! What a rush! I know.
That's a hundred dollars.
That's all tax free.
That's ours.
That's awesome, Jess.
It's for you.
No, no.
I can't take a commission.
Fine, great.
But I'll buy you a dirty martini later, OK? Maybe I'll hang a chunk of meat off the back or something.
See if we can attract them.
Good idea! Lure them out of hiding! Alright, ready? Yeah.
(Barks) Woof! £ DISCO MUSIC Oh, shit.
Oh, hey.
Isn't this typical? Look at this place.
So this is what you do all day? I'm slaving away trying to put a roof over our heads.
Have you even looked for a job? Have you taken the list seriously at all? Well, actually, I'm trying to contribute.
This is going to be the fourth dog that we've returned this week.
Oh, 'we'.
Oh, so you're a 'we' now? Yeah.
Right, so Billy's the fun one? What am I, the Grinch, because I'm trying to be realistic? OK, Josh, well, I didn't want to have to replace you, but you're the one that's gone and changed on me.
This is always who I've been.
You see, this scenario proves my point exactly.
This is a toxic environment for Josh to be living in.
Toxic? That's a little strong, Nick.
Do you know everything was fine till you came along and stuck your big ugly beak in? Josh is moving out, Jess.
And better still, he's moving into a house that he will own.
Josh, is this true? If it's in our price range, yeah.
We'll buy it.
What price range? Josh, you couldn't even afford a large bento box a week ago, and now a house? I don't get it.
Well, it's 'cause I've got a 20-year plan now, Jess.
20 years? What the fuck are you talking about? Alright, I might, um, I might skedaddle.
No, stay.
You're my guest.
I think Nick should go.
Or maybe you should.
I should probably get her some clothes.
Take this guy.
He's money in the bank.
Great suit, Joshie.
Thanks, Billy.
OK, who's going to start the bidding on this fabulous studio apartment? Don't move or say anything, right? Just leave this to me, yeah? Do we have any bidders here today? I'm pretty nervous, Nick.
Come on, they make it nerve-racking on purpose, just to psych you out.
Shall we start the bidding at $400,000? Smart move from a smart-looking man.
OK, do we have anyone else here? Just a raise of the hand and you're in the game.
410 from you, sir.
Now we've got something to play with.
410,000 is the bid on my right.
Do I have any advance on 410,000, ladies and gentlemen? Fives.
Sir, I will take 5,000 advance.
The bid is with you, sir.
Sir, to stay in the running, do I hear 420, 420 from you? $420,000.
The bid is currently $420,000.
The gentleman on my right has $420,000 And out of nowhere we have another player in the game.
The young lady at the back there.
Welcome to the table, young lady.
Your bid, $425,000.
What the fuck is she doing here? Mate, this isn't a joke.
If she wins, she has to pay or go to court.
The current bid with the young lady at the back.
Very nice.
450 with you, sir.
Sir? To stay in the game, do I have 455? 455.
Do I hear 460 from you, sir? Four hundred $460,000.
This property will be sold today, ladies and gentlemen.
The current bid is $460,000 with this gentleman here.
500,000! Ah, fuck! What a jump.
Well, obviously somebody wants to make a purchase here today.
She's just pushed it out of our price range.
Sir? Sir, are you still in the game? No.
Well, it looks like this young lady is going to be walking away with her very own studio apartment, with built-in robes.
Beautiful ensuite, car park.
Brand-new kitchen.
Sir, I'll take an advance of $1,000 to give you the power back, otherwise with the lady at the back.
Are we all silent? Are we all finished? Final call And we're back, ladies and gentlemen.
This is an opportunity to see if someone's going to put their money where their mouth is.
Miss, do I hear 510 from you? I take it from that, miss, that means no deal.
So, the property lies with our final bidder.
Going once, going twice Sold to the gentleman right here.
(Applause) She is a selfish little bitch.
No, that was selfless.
She knows me better than I know myself.
I was in way over my head, Nick.
She knew it.
She's a fucking psycho, and probably drunk.
She just does what she wants.
Which is exactly what I should be doing.
Nick, I quit.
Sorry, mate.
Want a drink? Yeah.
I can give you a lift home as well, if you want.
How? Well, if you sit on the seat, I'll push the pedals.
Ooh, you're heavy.
Mm, I've been working out.
Muscle weighs more than fat.
Well, we'll have to put a stop to that.
No, we should go overseas.
That's what our 20s are for.
The balance left on your tickets is just $2,345 each.
What the fuck have you gotten us into, Josh? I'm going to have to tell him asap.
Look at him.
He's in too deep.
So what I'm launching here today is an elite babysitting agency.
Let's trash the place.
He owes you, right? Yeah.
I don't want to hear it, thanks.
He wasn't going through your knickers.
I thought there was a peeping Tom at your window.
£ Love has come at last £ Throw your sorrows in the past £ Dancing in the rain £ Two feet in the sand £ We're still finding Peter Pan £ To make things stay the same £ Run into the wind, into the waves £ Under the water we will stay £ Oh, another sun Another sea £