Two Guys, a Girl and a Pizza Place (1998) s01e01 Episode Script

Pilot

You should've seen me last night at O'Malley's I sat there with the band ! Okay, I didn't do anything But I sat there ! Geez, Berg, I'm sorry I missed it but You know what ? It hit me the other day I'm actually here to get a degree ! Hey! Come watch softball with me today Hey! I gotta go to class ! Berg, we can't all be philosophy majors Look, it's not my fault a bunch of guys in sandals did my homework for me four thousand years ago That's mine Ehhh So, what do you plan to do after grad school? Why can't you just let me be happy? Because it's not fair to the rest of us! I mean, you triple majored in undergrad and you never even opened up a book! That'sthe wonder of me! No, that's not the wonder of you! That's the trouble with you! See, you're always skating byand someday -- SOMEDAY -- you're gonna hit a rough spot Who poured you a double mocha of grumpy this morning? I'm not grumpy It's just I spent all night on this, I've got a test in structures, we have to be at work at three, and.
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I'm breaking up with Melissa today Oh, boy we have to be at work at three? I'm breaking up with Melissa today?! One hole! C'mon! Berg, I can't be late When Sharon stops down we'll make her give us a ride What makes you think she's gonna stop down? I stole her last roll of toilet paper Berg, I'm not in the mood So what the hell's going on with you and Melissa, huh? I don't know -- look, next week is our six-month anniversary and the lease is up on Hong Kong.
- Huh? - China's taking back the lease on Hong Kong Really? I never knew the Chinese were leasing I mean, think about all those people, who worked so hard to make Hong Kong what it is, right? For what?They have no future! It's just like Melissa and me I mean, if I was meant to spend my life with her, I'd be thinking about getting married by now! Now, do you see me shopping for a ring? Nooooooo thusly, we are living in Hong Kong, waiting for our lease to run out.
Quit thinking so much! You like her, she adores youscrew the future One under! Look, lookMelissa's terrific.
But she's justshe not 'The One' I don't -- So Melissa's not 'The One', huh? Berg, you've gotta stop doing these experiments, you're gonna hurt yourself! It pays 50 bucks! But you don't have asthma! Don't need it! You know they always say not to exceed the recommended daily dosage? Yeah? Well, I'm the guywho exceeds it so they know why you shouldn't! Well, I'm the guy that had to drive you to the hospital when that new foot spray made your toenails fall off! They grew back thicker! Berg, you just can't! You hate being single! No, don't change the subject! Dating, getting used to someone, finding out their quirks.
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What's Melissa's? What? Quirk Nothing Peter, we don't play that All right, but you can't tell anyone Soon as you tell me, I'm chopping off my tongue - Melissa - Yeah.
When we'reyou know, going at it? Yeah? She starts to laugh, but likeuncontrollably Sharon!.
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You guys suck! So sex makes Melissa happy No, no, no, no, nonowe are way past happy This is psychotic.
It's maniacal.
It's like THAT'S what that is?! Did you put the seat back up? Why do we suck? Because,we all graduated together, yet I have to put on heels, which I hate; and go out into the real world and sell chemicals, which I hate; while you two knuckleheads get to play golfwhich I also hate Yeah, but you make like a bazillion dollars! Selling my soul! Look, if I close this deal today I make commission on 500 gallons of toxic cleaner I'm selling to some oil rig SoI can enjoy a weekend at the Cape, while killing all sea life between here and Guam --ugh, I hate myself! But you love your Beamer! Hey, why don't you drop me off when you take Pete to class? What, I'm taking Pete to class?? That's perfect! Let's us be off, huh? - Pete's breaking up with Melissa today.
- Good! - Good? You said liked her?! - Lied! - So? - So? How'd she take it? I'd say pretty well.
You didn't do it No.
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but I made a lunch date to do it here What are you doing? Oh,ohI've got everything planned out.
The blue cards, why it's best for her; the yellows, why we should stay friends; and the pinks .
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things to say when she starts to cry.
You know, this behavior reflects badly on both of us Hey, Bill, you know I'm thinking it might be time to spring for some new cushions! - Hmmmgood idea, and maybe some curtains, and a little paint job too - There ya go! Yeah, maybe we should think up a new name, because I tell you what it won't be Beacon Street Pizza no more! It won't be the same place my daddy built! Here build your own damn place! Good going Pete! I didn't even-- Ahhh! What's with him? He breaking up with Melissa What does he want to do that for? He feels she's not 'The One' Tell him to shut up Hey Pete! I found you that article on Marlon Brando's trainer! Thanks, Mr.
Bauer.
Why is he always bringing me things? He loves you He's delusional! He constantly telling me stories about his life that I know are from movies! You don't know that Berg, there was no way he was one of the Apple Dumpling Gang Incoming Aw, Melissashe wore her hair down I just want you to know I support you a hundred percent.
Bill, it's starting! Hey! Hey sweetie! Hey Bill! Hi Mr.
Bauer! Berg My class made you cookies.
Aww.
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They shouldn't have They love you.
'Cause they know I love you Melissa, you know how the lease is running out on Hong Kong? Sure Well -- Although there is that stipulation that China has to ensure the preservation of Hong Kong's way of life both socially and economically for at least another 50 years.
- Yeah.
Of course - God, you're smart SoHong Kong's still gonna be Hong Kong? -What are these? Ooh! Sorry! Are you okay? Yeah, I was trying to hand them to you! Spilling the water? Bill, what do you make of that? Take him out, he's done Bill, I don't believe we've seen the last of this feisty young girl from Wisconsin! Don't talk into the food Very smooth Look, I can't do this with you guys leering! I always leer.
She'd be suspicious if I weren't leering -- she'd be like, 'Why isn't Berg leering?" Berg Leeringisn't that a type of Merlot? Maybe it's a Cabernet 3:10 -- starting to babble Uh, Pete -- you'd better get back in there before Bauer steals your woman I thought I told you no more experiments.
They interfere with your work This is harmless ! Yeah, that's what you said when you couldn't get your sweat glands to stop I had to follow you around with a mop! The shark's coming right at me.
AndI only have one bullet left.
I think, 'Ohh, I'm a goner Then I see the oxygen tank in its mouth -- what do you think I do? You shot the tank and the shark blew up! I shot the tank! And the shark blew up! You're a brave man, Mr.
Bauer And then, you and Richard Dreyfuss swam back to shore.
Thanks a lot, Mr.
Bauer Oh, that was a hell of a day! You are a lucky guy Yeah What is with you today? Is there something you want to tell me? No Are you trying to break up with me? NO! Not at all! Why, are we having problems? No, you're just acting weird Hey Berg, what have you done to him? Hey, this one isn't me, 'cause I'm the one who said he shouldn't break up with you! NO!!.
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- I don't believe you! - No, I wasn't! He's evil! He may be evil, but at least he's honest!You're souh! Move! You're just so No, I don't want to hear it.
The hell with you, life's short, Pete.
See ya around Melissa -- Ten years from now -- when you're fat, and alone, and you have to wear a baseball cap at Club Med to hide your hair transplants; remember -- you had a good thing here and you blew it I don't believe it! She broke up with me! I just got dumped Boy, did you ever! And in front of everybody, too! So, did you get the account? Yep.
One more client for me, one less species of bird Sharon, if you don't like it, quit Life's a waste unless you're doing what you love You're right.
I mean, I can do anything I want! I'm smart! Absolutely right - I'm motivated! - Yes, you are.
I'm a people person! I gotta go back and count my pepperonis I am! Aren't I Berg? Sharon? You're a lot of things, but people person? It's goes the Unabomber, then you.
- Hey - No! That's why we love you - how was the delivery? - Fine - Traffic? - Not bad The toppings slide? Little bit Gees, you two fight like a couple of broads! Kick his ass, Pete! I can'the's wearing my shirt I can't believe you're mad at me -- isn't that what you wanted? I mean, one minute you're gonna to break up with her, the next minute she breaks up with you And you flip out He has a point Berg, you should've just minded your own damn business Ah, he's gotcha there! I mean, when she walked out of here, I had an epiphany I mean, how many Melissas are there in the world?? What's wrong with me?? I'll tell you what's wrong with you, okay? You keep saying Melissa's not 'The One", when in reality you know she is 'The One', and you're scared to death of it Ding, ding, ding! Berg wins! All rightcover for me Where are you going? Over to Melissa's to blame the whole thing on you -- if there's anything she'll believe, it's that.
Uh, no she won't Why not? Right now, if I'm little miss "Yippie, I get summers off!" I'm thinking'maybe I over-reacted'.
Then you come through the door blaming it all on Berg, which says to me that you did in fact want to break up and you need your buddy to do it for you.
Thank you so much.
Thank you so much for destroying my future Future-killer! You know, I was in love once we shared a flat in France.
Then the war came -- all hell broke loose when she walked back into my lifebut by then she was married Don't do what I did, sondon't let her get on that plane!! It's okay, Mr.
Bauer you'll always have Paris Pete, delivery Let me take this oneI want to see if I can operate heavy machinery Fine I'll just assume the "Drive Safe" is implied Berg Thank you, I'd love to So, let me guess he sent you to make up with me? He doesn't know I'm here ooh! Oranges! Why are you here? Look, MelI'm no expert on relationships -- This just in But I am an expert on Pete.
Okay? And sometimes, he just gets a little confused, is alll Give the guy a break -- I mean, I'm the one who blew it -That's right! I feel better when you guys are together -Give me a break, Berg! I do! It makes my best friend happy Lookyou know like in tag -- where's that place where you're safe, where they can't get you? - Home base? - Home base.
Pete is my home base I mean, I wouldn't get to be me, if he wasn't him And someday, I hope I'll find someone like you And when I blow it which I will I know he'll go over and make her realize that there's something here worth saving WowI've never known you to be so open Me neither - oh, God - What? Now experiencing a side effect, feeling extremely honest and uh, forthright I've never more afraid in my life Berg, this has sodium penathate in it - Truth serum - Soyou have to tell the truth? Noo.
yeah.
Wooo! Ha!!! Last Wednesday, when Pete was supposed to take me to the gallery opening? I've gotta go And he called me and told me that you had an allergic reaction to shellfish and had to rushed to the hospital? We were at the dog track And last week, when he couldn't make it to my cousin's engagement party because you guys were collecting toys for the orphanage? - We were playing Pop-n-Shot at O'Malley's - I knew it! You have to understand -- it was for the World Championship of all time! Hm, hm, hm What does he tell you about me ? - Everything -Like what, everything? Like the first time he saw you, he said he actually felt his heart stop Really? And youdo a phenomenal Linda Rondstat imitation AwwPete! And he hates sushi but goes with you all the time because he knows you love it Why didn't he say anything?! And you laugh like a mad scientist during sex! I did a bad thing Who, Bergwho did you do a bad thing to? Yes! God, Berg, what more could you have done to me today?! Please, do not tell me you went over to Melissa's Aw, Berg! I didn't want you blaming me for screwing up the rest of your life, so I went over there to get your guys back together! And?! And she never wants to speak you again! - Berg, what did you tell her? - Everything It wasn't me -- it was the asthma inhaler.
It had side effects it's like a truth serum Berg, what did you tell her?! II told where you really were last Saturday Oh, God I told her about the laughing You WHAT?! You know, when you guys have sex? She laughs like a crazy lady in an attic God, so THAT'S what that is! - Do you still have to tell the truth? - I'm not sure.
Ask me if I like your hair this way - Do you like my hair this way? - Yes.
Very much.
It wore off Berg, my life is not one of your experiments -- just leave it alone! - You know, I'm starting to feel way underappreciated here - Go! Cover for me - Yeah, there's about as much chance of me wearing this thing as - - - Ah-ah-ah, hey! People person! - Excuse me -- can I see a menu? - It's a pizza place! What are you doing out here? Did you come to push me into traffic? - I don't like you being mad at me - I'm not mad at you, I'm mad at me Berg, I'm gonna be 25 and I don't even know where my life is -- and the one good thing I had, I messed up! When my dad was my age, he had a house, he had a wife, he had me! I mean, what do I have? You have the ability to suck the life out of an evening! There's nothere's no blueprint for life! Okay, first it's miosis -- out of the womb, snip Then you get a big ol' aneurysm and you slump over your desk Okay, everything in between just happens, Pete.
enjoy it Berg, I'm not like you, all right? I don't find pearls when I eat oysters I can't learn Russian in three days from a book called 'How To Learn Russian In Three Days" I wish I could, but I can't That's why you have me - Are you gonna have my children? - There is an experiment at MIT next week What if I wind up alone? What if I wind up alone, hanging out in some pizza place, telling anyone who will listen to me about the time I plowed under my cornfield and built a baseball diamond? Listen to me, okay? Everything's gonna work out, all right?you'll have the wife and the kid it's there You just can't see around that turn yet How can you be so sure? 'Cause I know.
It has to If my life doesn't work out I'm coming to live with you You heard me Fine! Berg, what do you think is gonna happen to Sharon? I'm sure she'll settle down, have kids Get your butts back in here! Or take over Cuba I didn't even get a tip! You told a customer to shut up or you'd bash his head in with a shovel! Well, he kept waving at me! Oh, how long does it take to make up with somebody? Relax Hey, hey! - So how'd it go? - Eh, go figure -- Melissa and I are going to try and work things out Great! I've always liked her C'mon --I think what we need here is some Pop-n- Shot at O'Malley's - Oh, no, I can't - Sharon's buying 'Cause I'm a people person! I told Melissa I'd go back over with a video - Go back over? - Mmm-hmmm Not in your condition Look at him -Oooh all clammy and yellow - No, guys.
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Food poisoning! Hits you like that! -Guys - We'll call from the bar