Two Guys, a Girl and a Pizza Place (1998) s01e02 Episode Script

Scalpel I cannot beleive they let you in medical school Neither can I Melon bowler MELON BOWLER Pete, I gotta tell ya no, don't tell me now I'm busy busy ! the cats in the cradle Pete before you know it I'll be all grown up Berg, my big presentation to the museum bord is tonight Now if they choose my design, it will actually get built most architects when they graduate they only have a bunch of blueprints I am going to have a 12,000 square foot resume Man, you're gonna need one hell of a manila envelope ! alright ! what's in the box ? I think I found my calling with medicine ah, good for you you should've seen the girls watching me buy this stuff med's school is all about love and toys Berg, as long as you're in it for the right reasons Socrates, meet guy with removable brain ! removable brain, meet Pete nice haircut ! 10:30 am taking six dose of invactolab experimental alergizic this time I'm hoping "milk" will improve the taste it doesn't don't you think it's time to stope these experiments ! Hey ! accessories don't come cheap unless you forget, I'm a doctor You're not a doctor then how come I have one of these ? why do you need a beeper ? Image Pete, it's so important ok Berg, I have a whole stack of mill cards to go over before tonight, so you know ! the brain is like a gas tank when it's full, it's full you know this stuff speak from passion, not, from cards what the hell is the matter with you ? trust me, I'm your doctor YOU'RE NOT A DOCTOR ok, Berg, look I'm not an architecture for the beeper and the babes, ok ? you and this, this med school is gonna last for what ? six weeks ! then you're gonna go on to forestry because you think you look good in green ! I do ! Berg look, you're not fooling anyone you're having a hard time accepting the fact that there're a new kid in town a dedicated kid, a kid named "Doctor Bergin" well, I guess you're gonna have to get used to it buddy cause he's here to stay ! I really had no place to go ! Watch, as I make the incision being carefull not to tear the interstitial fiber or in this case the canadian bacon ! I couldn't be more proud spatula Dr.
Berg to table 4, stat ! Damn it Pete, I'm a doctor not a waiter you know, El and I always dreamed to have a son who becomes a doctor Bill ! what about an architect ? well, I've already got a building I need free medical ok, yeah, see ya then who's that ? my boss you wanna join us ? no, I can't Sharon, I have my big presentation tonight oh yeah, that's great, you're gonna do great oh, you think ? I donno I've got my own mess to deal with My company is manufacturing this new pesticide we claim it kills bugs faster but the research shows that it takes the same amount of time for them to die ! my boss wants ME to detroy the evidence is that wrong ? who cares as long as they're dead ! what are you gonna crusade to end bug suffering ? you know Sharon, I learnd in my PCM class that's, ah, Preparation for Clinical Medicine that full disclosure is the foundation of a strong patient-doctor relationship now, I believe the same holds true in business you have an ethical duty to tell the truth Sharon, you work for a chemical company you have no ethics Berg's right, I'm blowing the whistle wait, wait, you're not gonna actually listen to him well ! wait wait, this is Berg, the same guy who wanted to put a bat hole between our appartments ! Yeah but now he's a doctor trying the powder with root beer Sorry, oh God I have this terrible caugh it started at my head and now it's moving to my chest you should go see a doctor somebody say "doctor" ? I don't think so This thing does not give you a license to grope my girlfriend Peter, I am shocked I'm in the profession of healing mister ! this is my job now Melissa if would kindly disrobe down to your socks ! No Berg, is this milk bad ? hey, like, like I don't know if mild is bad ? ok smells good to me am I the only one that knows what's going on here ? you are not alone my friend ! I was once the favorite everyone looked up to me showing off all of his fancy gadgets to all my friends I was just a pull-string cowboy, how could I compete ? to infinity and beyond my ass ok, I gotta get outta here, Bill you think I can get the afternoon off ? actually Bill, I could really use the afternoon off myself ! what're you doing ? I have to practice my presentation I'm helping you, remember ? your tank over fills, all of a sudden knowledge is spilling out all over the place well, I need one of you ! alright look, Bill, my big presentation is tonight I just need a few more hours to practice I'm telling you if I get this look, this one moment could decide my entire future I have a quiz Ok Berg, see you tomorrow late, late, I'm late what're doing ? I thought you were studying ! I am you're watching "general hospital" ! I'm studying "general hopital" I'm trying to get the walk down check out how Dr.
Scanlen moves in slow, confident steps he lets the beeper show under his lab coat notice the head tilt Felica, a drink after surgery ? see right there, that's stuff you can't learn from a book I can't believe I had to cover for you, and you're up here screwing around I already finish studying for my exam you wanna know why ? don't say your brain is full my brain, is full Berg, look, you can't just walk throught medical school all fancy bree It takes dedication and commitment to become a doctor I'm sorry, I.
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I thought you just said "fancy free" ! you know what, you're hopeless you know Pete, a tip from your doctor eating quickly, bad for the digestion well, lucky for me you're not a doctor Pete, help me help you Berg, look, I'm beyond help, ok ? I'm gonna go into that presentation and crash like the hindenburg wow wow wow wow just relax for a sec take a deep breath you always say how your stuff didn’t do any good and how it’s a complete disaster but it always turns out great so tonight, I need you to go in there and show those people what I already know hey, that you rock I rock ? thanks Berg thank’s nothing now go get’em you psychopath 5:45 I’ve found that the orange juice makes the alergy’s powder more palabel PETE 5:46 my roomate has just injested 400 times the daily dosage in just under 20 seconds this will most likely be fatal for me ! listen, I might, have, poisoned my friend and, I need to know the side effects it’s a medical emergency no, don’t put me on hold, don’t put me on and away, my beautiful, my beautiful baloon so, I’m at our monthly coord meeting and the CEO is at the head of the table I stand up and I tell them that I have proof that their bugs die in six seconds just like they always have ! room go silent then the CEO stands up, and you know what he says “3 seconds, 6 seconds, who cares, they’re bugs” everyone, laughed at me so I just came over to thank you for personelly guiding me into the most humiliating moment of my life ! hold that thought, I may have poisoned Pete ! yeah, go ahead, so possible side-effects are sweating, stammering and I’m sorry !? He may become delusional well, what the hell kind of side-effect is delusional ? haven’t you people ever heard of “diarrhea” ? you poisoned Pete ? and he just left to go do his big presentation ah, that is so unfair I know on the one day I could really hate you, Pete steals my thunder ! don’t be mad at Pete well said huh, top that, zero do I know you ? Peter Dunville here you’re next ok you’re welcome I, I mean, uh, thanks I, I mean thanks for welcoming me - you’re welcome - thanks oh, thank God at least he got here we have to stop’m no, come on, calm down they said they were only possible side-effects psssst, Pete would you excuse me for just a moment ? yes of course I live to wait what are you guys doing here ? well, I, I, I thought we come down to observe you he means lend our support Mr.
Dunville before my bones turn to dust ! Ladies, g.
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gentelmen distingushed museum trusties in reviewing I’m sor, is it hot in here ? no oh God, he’s sweating what, what kinda doctor am I ? he’s pete, he sweats and you’re NOT a doctor - where was I ? - at the begining now, my.
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my.
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my intent was to accent the axile design with more modern mills .
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more modern memelist .
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sorry ah.
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a more medelist just new and simple - stammering - nervous well, he should have prepared more now the.
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the.
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the.
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front of the building I’m sorry ok, I see.
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I see.
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huge crazy shapes, alright a.
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a.
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and a giant Jake in the box Jake in the box ? yeah, yeah, a giant Jake in the box th.
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th.
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that’ll pop up and greet the visitors a.
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a.
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it’s coned head, swing two storied high and oh, it’ll say something like, like “hoa hoa hoa, hello boys and girls” oh great, he’s delusional ok, take him down okay, that’s it, enough what’re doing ? - I’m saving you - no, you’re really not - yes, I am - excuse me ! I’m sorry I’m this man’s doctor you’re not a doctor he’s not a doctor Mr.
Dunville has accidently injested a medication which is causing the “delusional” behavior you’re witnessing I don’t even know this guy ! but, with the exitment that the Jake in the box is causing, it’s infectious Pete, believe me, every second counts you drank my alergezik medication you’re sweating, you’re stammering, you’re delusional ! you don’t know what you’re talking about Berg I’m just a little nervous oh yeah ? then what kind of museum has a huge jake in the box ? and stupid voices goin “hello boys and girls”? a children’s museum ?! what ? this is for a, children’s museum, Berg oh but, but, you drank the orange juice I hate the orange juice, Berg I drank the grape fruit juice so who drank the orange juice ? - Oh - Oh so, I’m the one who’s delusional !? thank God, I thought it was me well, doctors this explains a great deal it turns out that I injested my own “mededation” “medication” Pete, what are you doing here ? Sharon, he’s ruining my presentation he’s ruining my presentation yes, we’re all aware of that we’ll be going are you sure you don’t want to spin plates as a finale ? - listen pal, I’ve had a really bad day - join the club hey, you wanna piece of me, huh ? captain’s log, start date, 6-4-4-1 the klingons have surrounded us in our attempt to abord the enterprise Kirk out Mr.
Sulu, take us to worp factor nice dress BERG Klingons bones idiot Berg, get out here, right now Scotty, beam me up, now ! wait here I’ll send help you’re doing great Pete ok, now that I got your attention - I screwed up big time - finally, an accurate diagnosis look, maybe this doctor thing isn’t such a good idea what responsible physician leaves unmarked medicine in the refrigerator ! Berg, you’re not a physician, you’re a med student give yourself a break no, no, see, you said it yourself it takes dedication and commitment alright, listen to me, Berg, this is the first time in your life that you’re doing something where you don’t know all the answers this is great, you’re scared, and you’re scared because you might finally care about something - why do I screw up ? - because you’re Berg besides you can’t quit now you already paid for the beeper I also got the walk down you know I hear that’s the hardest part you’ll be a good surgent - you’ll rock - thanks listen, when you’re a big famous surgent, look me up I’ll be the guy in Rino designing the trailer parks that reminds me, Mr.
Sulu called last night you got the job I got the job how could that be ? right here loved your design, hate your friends how come you didn’t tell me they called last night ? well last night I was too busy arguing with the sofa oh my God I’ve got a big meeting at three three ! Berg, it’s ten to it you better get moving no, you have a big meeting at three downtown ! Berg, what’s the matter with you ? how could you not tell a person ? hey, don’t blame me because you don’t have a beeper bones, talk to me bones, you’ve got to say something, we’ve shed so much, it’s me Jim, you’re comrade, you’re captain, you’re friend, we’ve got to talk about this show some backbone man !