Two Guys, a Girl and a Pizza Place (1998) s01e03 Episode Script

Two Guys a Girl and a Guy

1 "" Cut it out.
I'm trying to watch I will rip off your arm- -and beat you unconscious with it! Ahhh! My arm! Get away from me with Pete's arm! Berg! We got a choice this month Either lose Cinemax or we sell our plasma Have no fear - I got it covered - Oh Berg, no more medical experiments Just remember my eyedrop experiment paid for that couch Hey, Berg.
What color would you say that couch is? I don't know.
Blue! It's just product testing "Marathon Personal Trainers - You'll Never Run Alone.
" All I have to do is wear these for 26 miles and record my experience 10:38 am - they are comfortable, with firm support Congratulations! And welcome to your Marathon Personal Trainers! Oh Pete! Can I keep them? I swear I'll take care of them Oh Lord, give me strength Stop putting your sweaty shirts in my laundry! - It's one shirt - With the stink of six And if you're through with my travel mug? Actually- Slow down.
You still have 25.
7 miles to go - Are your shoes talking? - Caught your attention, did they? 10:40.
Babes dig 'em Berg, do you notice anything different about our Sharon? No, nothing Except that somebody gift-wrapped her neck Come on, it's a scarf Ted gave me this scarf.
I think it's cute - Ted? - Ted? - Berg, she has a Ted - Yes, Ted! His name's Ted Just not used to them having names Well, he's got one and it's Ted and I gotta get to work - Work? Or is Ted whisking you away to scarf warehouse? - Or House of Scarves? - Scarf depot - Cheapy scarves You two have fun All right, we'll see you tonight, right? Oh, right, you know I have plans It's unlimited toppings night! Guys, if it's okay with you, I'm trying to have a life Me, me, me, me, me, me, me! - I'll say.
Did you slip my shirt back in the bag? - Yeah.
And my boxers - Excellent And if you guys need anything else, just call for me.
My name's "Hey!" "You're darn good-looking.
" Ten miles.
Keep it up, champ! Keep those sneakers quiet or I'm going to tear their tongues out I'll just lower the volume 4:47.
Feet are happy.
Bill's ticked - How was the Celtic Game last night? - Ah, Sharon canceled on me so I had to take Melissa Oh, what a shame.
Having to go out with your own girlfriend No, I love Melissa, just not at a Celtic game, you know? I mean every time they miss a shot, she says, "It's gonna be okay, sweetie.
" - What does Sharon do? Ah well, Sharon screams, "Hey! You make 7 million a year.
Make the shot!" And the other day she was supposed to come with me on that bus tour of historic Boston- Where the guys dress up like er- Minute Men? Yah.
We sit on the upper deck and when the guy says, "This is where Paul Revere took his midnight ride-", we both yell, "Yeah! On your Mom!" Exercising the First Amendment When I do that bit with Sharon, people laugh When I did it alone, they said, "Honey, move away from that man.
" - Hey, guys! - It's Sharon, come to watch us work Couldn't stay away, could ya? You're just in time.
I was just about to stuff a pepper I'm not here to watch you guys work.
I came here to pick up a pizza Hey Bill, is that order for Ted ready? - Teedd - One large pie.
Eggplant, mushrooms and green peppers - Yuck! - My God! You see, first, he's got you wearing scarves, then he's got you eating vegetables Next thing you know, it's "Come on Sharon, let's smoke some crack!" What's in the bag? - Videos - What kind of videos? None-of-your-business videos Berg! Come on, give it back! Sleepless In Seattle, When Harry Met Sally These are all Meg Ryan movies - You hate Meg Ryan - I know But Ted thinks I look like her What was that? What is this guy doing to her? That is not our Sharon! You're more right that you know Have you noticed people have been acting strangely of late? Almost as if they're not really themselves or should they look the same, but inside? Why do you always have to talk to me? Pod people Pete, there's a delivery Yes, Pete, hurry.
Bill needs you.
He'll be right there- Bill Welcome back! Ready to run? Hello, Turner.
Good morning, Hooch Berg! Why is there no hot water? You were supposed to mail the bill Sharon hasn't been around all week so I couldn't score stamps Oh well, listen.
I'll give you the name of her connection- The Post Office! Remember to breathe Okay, I'm going to start hating those now Leave them alone All they said was "Breathe" You had it in for my shoes the moment you met them.
You never even gave them a chance You just assumed because they're shoes, you can't be friends with them I'd rather be friends with them than with you That wasn't nice All right, I'm not mad at you.
I'm mad at Sharon I mean, she's completely thrown off the balance off our- --delicate eco-system Plus, we have to watch small TV We can't go on living like this I say we march up to her apartment and set things straight! We take back our laundry - Borrow some stamps- - Grab a quick shower And let her apologize Nothing can stop you.
You're a winner! 8:40.
Firm arch support and -emotional support Pancakes Honey, we're home! Sharon!! Sharon, there's something wrong with your door! Excuse me.
Can I help you guys? - We're looking for Sharon - Shhh.
She's still asleep I'm Ted and you are-? We're Pete and Berg We live downstairs - We all went to school together.
We're her best friends - Oh really? Well it's nice to meet you, Pete- er, Bert I'll tell Sharon you stopped by - You know what? - What, Bert? I say we start hating him, now! Ohhh, look at me, I'm Ted Sshhh, you might wake up Sharon What is the deal with him? I don't know.
But we don't get to see our Sharon because of batter boy I don't think so - We need to extricate him from her life and ours - And fast You know, Turner and Hooch were talking earlier - They said something very intriguing - Don't quote your shoes "Stay close to the leader, or the race is lost.
" What do you think they meant by that? I-don't-know I'm going to take them for a walk in the park.
Try and get it out of them Okay, kids.
Look what I got! Home-made playdough - Ooh, now what do we say? - Thank you! Ewww! Rachel, someday when you grow up and you meet someone you really like, you won't think kissing is so yucky Ewww! Hey guys! What's up? - Ted said you stopped by - Ted? You mean the guy who's never heard of me Ohhh no, no, no, he's heard of you.
You're er- Bert! I'm sorry! But when you're first starting to date a guy, you don't lead off with "Hey, my best friends are two good-looking guys who live downstairs.
" Give us a sec Er-hem.
Okay, the "good-looking" thing, valued try - But it doesn't get you off the hook - No way - Melissa, help me out here - Oh sure.
I'll be right back - What's up? - Okay.
When you first started seeing Pete, did he tell you about me? - Absolutely - See? - Really? - Yah I remember the first night Pete and I made love, you screamed, "Knock it off down there Pete, or I'll shoot your whore" It made me curious about you - Ohh! So they're curious about Ted - Look, all I know is the three of you together can be kinda intimidating I mean, it's a tough club to get into, you know Plus, there's a two-drink minimum No, no, no.
Rachel, we bind our food, not our friends You're right We're not being fair, we should get to know him Great! I am free every night this week but tonight Tonight it is W-wait, wait! I want to be there We'll be fine without you It'll be just us guys - Guys' night out - W-wh, I'm a guy You lost your guy rights when you put on the scarf Okay, fine.
But behave We'll just be ourselves Please don't.
I really like this guy Fine, seven o'clock, Mahoney's Fine Keep your eyes wide open Show no interest or excitement.
Don't trust anyone - Hey! How ya kids doing? - Just fine, B-i-l-l I'm Bill! Remember to drink plenty of fluids - Hear, hear Okay - 7:02, we meet Ted - 7:03, we'll liquor him up and troll his soul for deep, dark secrets - Then we tell Sharon what a louse he is - By 10:45, we're back in front of her big-screen TV where we so rightfully belong - For Sharon - For Sharon Does this make us selfish? Not at all Look, Sharon's not acting like herself and any guy who forces her not to be her-- --not to be with her Sold! Pete.
Berg - Guys, I'm sorry I'm late.
I got held up at the gym - It's okay.
Got to work off those pancakes Well actually, I'm in this Big Brother program and the basketball game went into overtime.
I couldn't just walk out on Bobby, not after his mother and father did Who wants a drink? Hey, guys! What're you having? - The usual - This round's on me - The usual, of course, being martinis - Double Extra olives - Boy, they saw you coming, huh? - And a club soda Club soda? I'm sorry, fellas.
I've got an early deposition in the morning - Come on, I got a class - Well, it's a really important case Blow it off! - Sharon warned me about you guys - So, you're a lawyer? Man, that must be tough.
You know, capitalizing off other people's misfortunes N-no, no, no.
I'm in environmental law That's where I met Sharon You see, my firm is fighting her chemical company There I was, making a passionate plea to the jury about all the trumpet swans that were killed I pointed accusingly at the defense tableand there she was He, er, defends swans Here you go, Thurston Lovey And a club soda - Whoa, did you feel that heat? - Oh man, she was all over you! You think? - Definitely! - Couldn't be more obvious Ever since I met Sharon, I just don't pick up on that stuff It's okay, okay, just club soda A little red wine should get this right out O-okay! Trumpet swans, big brothers? Soda, come on! Don't let him suck you in Right, anyone with a yard this nice has to have something buried underneath You're absolutely right No one's this perfect.
We'll find out what's wrong with him - For Sharon - For Sharon Okay Berg, stop fooling around Yah, right.
Ha! Ha! You're faking this Berg, are you faking this? Berg, Berg! Tell me you're faking this! You saved his life! What a show off! - Pete, Table 3 - All right, in a sec Before it petrifies Go along, Pete, you don't want to upset Bill Hey Bill, what are we going to tell Sharon? She's on her way over What, you didn't like this guy? -He was all right.
He's responsible.
He's generous - He's loyal - He's completely wrong for us Who cares about you? Is he good for Sharon? I don't know.
I mean, she's been acting really weird ever since she's been with him - Yeah,she's not our Sharon anymore!She looks different,she acts different,she's- - Happy W-why are you looking at- ohh no! Pods! They got you too? I'm the only one left! Whatever you do, don't fall asleep! You know, Berg, let's face it I never thought I'd say this but Mr.
Bauer makes sense- -not that we're pods You know, about Sharon being happy.
I mean, Ted is perfect for her.
I mean I always knew someday we'd lose Sharon I just didn't think it would be this soon - We're gonna have to be- - N-no, no, don't say it! -mature - Oh there, you said it - Alright, here they come.
Let's not screw this up for them - All right - For Sharon - For Sharon Hey! Look who's here! - Sharon! Ted! - Hey guys! Good to see you!You should see this guy unclog a windpipe I heard! And what were you doing, drinking martinis? Bill! You did not just snap at me! Er, no.
Actually, we're on our way to Vermont Yeah, Ted surprised me Ted!!! Would you guys water my plants? I am so watering your plants Thank you - Er, we should be going - Okay, bye W-wait, wait! Before you go- Ted, I gotta tell you something this is one great girl I know And you two make such a great couple Listen to this man - Thanks, guys! - No! And you two We have a real feeling And she, is going to make a great mom! Come on, Sharon! I mean, you feed us.
You keep our heat on.
You tuck us in at nightjust kidding, Ted! And if your kids aren't blond, somebody's cheating! I'm kidding too! Okay, bye you guys! Get out of here, you two! Drive safe We'll go out when you get back Oh and Ted? Next time, drinks on Sharon You got it - I tell you, Berg.
We are such good guys - I am so proud of us Look at us! Look - fridge is stocked.
Clothes are cleaned.
And Tuesday, the gas comes back on Because I got stamps Legends of the Rodeo A 32-cent salute to a bygone era What's wrong with you? Sharon, what happened? What are you doing back so soon? Give me my keys.
I'm going to bed - What's wrong? Where's Ted? - At home Thanks to the fathers of the bride What are you talking about? We were on our best behavior Yah, well, after you guys gave me away at the pizza place, we got on the road and he just starts talking to me about.
flying to North Carolina to meet his parents I mean, we're talking churches, good school districts, I thought he was going to pull over and register Crate and Barrel! I had a perfectly good boyfriend You guys had to go turn him into a husband We're being mature Well, I'm not ready to be mature! I'm not done being friends with you guys yet Ah well, isn't that what you wanted - the house, the kids? Yeah, eventually.
But God, not now So it's over? Yeah You know I finally find a guy I really like and he over-commits Wait a second Juice.
You guys have food! - Wow! I'm impressed - And we're getting the gas back on Hey, you guys want to go upstairs and watch big-screen TV? One second Yeah.
But you got to lose the scarf You know what? We're going to hold on to this for you You may want it again down the road 26 miles.
You're a winner! I'm a winner! That's it! Pete! Get a hold of yourself! Ahhhhhhhhh! Turner! Hooch! You're home! Pete, look who's here? Don't you have something you want to say to them? Sorry, guys.
Come on in!