Two Guys, a Girl and a Pizza Place (1998) s01e04 Episode Script
Two Guys, a Girl and a Celtic Game
1 "" Pete, beer me Sharon YOU'RE WELCOME! THANK YOU! Lets go guys, I'm double-parked, and the ambulance driver's gettin' ticked! Shhh! Just wait This is important It's Xena - The Warrior Princess.
She's unbelievable - Yeah, I'll say.
It's 1603 and she's got implants And right now they're in peril Which is why the Celtics are the single greatest franchise in NBA history! Hey, now we have something to celebrate That is the one thousandth time you've told me that! Come on, Berg, let's go, let's go, let's go! - Pete, the game doesn't start for over two hours! - Yeah, I know, but you need to be there for warm-ups! - Why?! - 'Cause, we're playing the Bulls! The Celticsare playing the Bulls Youdidn't make the team Okay, can we please go?? - You watch the Celtics, I'll watch Xena, and we'll meet up later - Berg, what are you talking about? You have to go! Double-parked!! Ambulance still blocked!! They're sliding in the gurney!! Berg, you have to go And believe me, I'd love to, butXena really needs me Look, Berg, I promise This time you'll have fun! That's what you said last time Well, I'm sorry, you just weren't showing enough Celtic pride! It was an exhibition game! Against the Globetrotters! They were supposed to lose!! - Still, I think that the team needed your support -- - Pete, let's face it You suck the fun right out of it! I mean, when the Celtics win, you're an obnoxious, babbling fool -- and if they lose, you pout for three hours and listen toAir Supply!! We're not gonna lose!! Weare not playing We're just sitting there, eating and drinking, for two hours, while you pretend you're the coach from seventy-five rows back Ha ha! Atta boy Berg, keep that fire up!! Okay, team! - Let's get 'em!! - Woooo! Celtics! Green fingernail polish, that's a start Okay, I'm wearing green panties! Oh, c'mon, Berg, Berg, Berg I need you there All right, just stop giving me this 'Spanky forgot to feed Petey' look I'll be there for tip-off Well, todaywe learned all about the letter 'B' We baked bread, we studied butterflies, the student of the day was Billy Bumstead Oh? Well, I learned all about the letter 'S' today That I'm a self-serving sellout who's giving our environment a super slaughtering All, for a sports car and a salary! That was excellent! - You know, I envy you - Yeah, right No, I'm serious.
I mean, you wake up every morning looking forward to your job - Yeah, for the most part - You come home everyday feeling good about yourself - I try - You make a difference in kids' lives! - I make $18,000 a year - Ewwww! Hey! Snacks! C'mon, c'mon, DEFENSE! Thanks -- Come on, pick it up! - Lanes! Lanes! Why aren't they staying in the lanes?! - I don't know, I'm sorry! - Oh, hey Pete look! - What, what, what, what?? There, there, there! Way, way down there! I think it's a basketball game!! All right, look, there is no such thing as a bad seat at a Celtic game Yeah, sure -- because two miles below us is the single greatest franchise in NBA history Yeah, the Bulls Come on, come on -- slow it up! SLOW IT UP!! Yeah, see, see? This is why these are the best seats in the house! Up near the rafters, next to the Celtic championship banners this is where the real diehards are Isn't he cute?? Come on -- Murphy was all over him!! - DEFENSE!! DEFENSE!! - Not now We have the ball Man, I can't believe Berg is missing this! Onemore time, and the Tooth Fairy's gonna owe you 24 bucks! Ladies and gentlemen, please give a welcome to this evening's lucky ticket holder, who will watch tonight's game from the Celtic bench.
.
Mr.
Michael Bergen! No, no, no, no! No! He didn't even want to come! Hi Pete! I made it! - Worst game I ever saw in my life - What, are you kidding?! They won with a three-pointer at the buzzer Listen to me! Hey, hey! There he is! My man, Berg -- the Celtics' sixth man out of Beacon Street Pizza!! BillBILL! It's okaylet's not make it a big thing Do you believe it? You, the biggest Celtic fan in the world, and Berg winds up on the bench Heh-heh! Bill, you have a keen sense of irony All right, what's with him? I think he's still a little miffed at Berg's big ol' Mardi Gras head on the scoreboard The Jumbotron adds four hundred pounds to your face! Oh, I think it's past somebody's bedtime Look, PeteI tried to get you down there with me I begged the PR guy, only I didn't know where you were sitting Did you ever think of looking at the ticket? He took the ticket once he knew that I waswell, the lucky one - Honey, you can't blame him for being the lucky one! - Yeah, but I can hate him for it This behavior right here is exactly why I wanted to stay home Pete, look me in the eye and tell me you're really upset - I think I see a smile coming on! - Nooo! Heh, heh, heh and you sat right next to Larry Bird! Your favorite player Bill, do you have some kind of stake in pissing Pete off? Heh, heh LARRY BIRD! Heh, heh, heh Well, Larry now coaches another team, butthey had the night off Really? I wasn't aware of that Go on, Berg! Go on! Tell him! Tell him what you talked to Larry Bird about for two hours! Tell him! Well, strangest thing Larry and I both went to Camp Pomahack But get this The Camp Pomahack Larry went to was in Indiana Minewas in Albany! Two Camp Pomahacks! I don't care! Anybody? Pete, I found you that photo of Larry Bird on the Mike Douglas show My life is now complete Hey, wait! Charo! And Gabe Kaplan! I can't believe you got to sit on the bench Man, you had thousands of Celtics fans cheering you on It meant nothing to you.
Berg, I've been dreaming of that my whole life I had a dream once to dance.
I wanted so badly to join in this one company I could taste it.
Sure enough, one thing led to another I got the audition of a lifetime It didn't end there, did it? Why, no With my unique blend of classical ballet and raw stripper moves I got them dancing on their chairs Best of all, I never had to go back to that damn welding job! What a feeling! Okay, that's it - Look, we're staying at your place tonight - Okay, sweetie, that's fine Uh, night, you guysit wasreally fun Okaycan you believe the fart she cut in the car?! Forget heris Pete acting out or what? Oh, come on Berg Whether you mean to or not you ruined it for him! - I didn't even want to go! - Wellmaybe you can figure out some way to make it up to him What would Xena do? Nowis it just me, or is he dancin'like he's neverdanced before? Berg? Berg! Huh BERG!!!!! This is great I knew you'd love it Berg, this is, without a doubt, the best gift I have ever gotten Naaah How on earth did you get it? Remember the MacGyver when he had to get into that federal vault using only a stapler and a Q-Tip? YES! This is amazing! It's fantastic! It's a felony! Only if they find out Berg, this has to go back It belongs to the Celtics! - Says who? - Says the banner Berg, look, they earned it, not me Oh, I get it.
So all of a sudden you'renot on the team C'mon Berg, get real Think of all the aggravation you've been through watching their games You're telling me Think of the hours you've spentin line, waitin' for tickets in the snow Yeah.
.
One time, I got home, and my body temperature was seventy Pete, you deserve this as much as anyone .
.
and on behalf of the Boston Celtics organization, I herebywant you to have this Berg, I don't know Pete, come on, it's just a glorified bedspread! They'll never know it's gone! More on the outrage sweeping Boston over the championship banner stolen last night.
We go now to Jeff Colly with tonight's top sports story.
Jeff? A city violated -- legions of Celtic faithful are carrying signs, pleading for the return of the 1981 championship banner Some offer forgiveness for its safe return, but threats of retaliation can also be heard Do you believe this? What? Some lunatic broke into the Fleet Center last night and stole the '81 championship banner From the Celtics? No, from Cirque De Soleil - Bill, I'm sure it was just a prank - Yeah, I'll give you a prank When they catch this clown, his face goes right up on my dart board, which means banned from Beacon Street Pizza.
This boy will never get a slice of pie, anywhere! Bill, there's other pizza joints in Boston Oh, what, you don't think I talk to Little Caesar's? Or Domino's? Or The Hut? So, Bill What's the uh, big reward? Small pizza and a medium beverage! I'm sure they'll just make a new one Make a new oneyou just don't make a new one! That's like Xeroxing the Mona Lisa! No, these people should be caught and strung up by their go-betweens! Maybe we should keep this to ourselves? All right, which one of you boneheads took my hair dryer?! OhmyGodBERG!!!!! What kind of creep would steal a Celtic banner? I don't know about you, but I can't go to work today Can I talk to you guys for a sec?! She knows - She does? - Play dumb We are dumb Are you guys nuts?! I'm Nuts This is my partner, Pretzels What seems to be the problem, ma'am? You know what's gonna happen when you get caught?! Caught for what? Oh, cut the crap! You are not dealing with normal people here! These people are sports fans These people barbecue in their cars! - Okay, well that's why we're not going to tell anyone! - You have to give it back! But Sharon, it's in poor taste to return a gift Thanks to you guys, I'm now an accomplice! - Why are you an accomplice?? - Because, I now know who stole it! - Who asked you to go to our apartment? - Who asked you to steal my hair dryer?! Who asked you to take it back! I WASHED MY HAIR! And that's our fault?! Don't ever do that again! I stole something once - Mr.
Bauer, nobody stole anything - It was me and the Nazis, in a race against time The future of mankind depended on me retrieving the Ark of the Covenant Excuse us Get back here! You were saying? A word of advice: Do not open that chest It has unspeakable powers that no man was meant to possess What do you think of the hat? Berg, why can't we just drop it and run? Because, then we won't get a reward WaitI have a bad feeling about this You had a bad feeling about Shopping Cart Polo Yeah, and I broke my wrist! Yeah, and you met a nurse! We're gonna get caught - Trust me, okay? - Berg.
.
I like my go betweens You're forgetting We're the guys who recovered the Ark of the Covenant! Okay, we're going to go to jail! No, no, no I'll go to jail, you'll wind up with the lucky prison number and they'll send you on a cruise - Just relax - Berg, I don't think you realize how cute we look to larger men! And from the fans! Hell, you'd think I stole the damn thing! No, how 'bout you come up with a positive spin to put on this thing, and when you do I'll name a candy bar after you? I don't know, nuts, nougatlook, leave me alone! Whaddya want? - Remember me? You walked me down to the bench? - Oh, yeah -- the lucky ticket guy What's that, a four thousand calorie thank you note? Perfect, I'll die tonight and won't have to come in tomorrow You're gonna love this Thank God!! Where'd you get it?! We found it! -You found it?! - Yes we did! Well, listen, it was really nice meeting you.
Take care - And wait 'til you hear how we got it! - Oh, God Go ahead, tell me Berg, it's such a boring story This man is too modest After the game, we ran into a group of Bulls fans in a bar And they were bragging about how they stole the banner So we followed them out to a car and there they were, tying it around a big rock And they were taunting it Sure ! So we tailed them over to the BU bridge, where they stopped, and hurled it into the Charles River SPLASH! Pete hereovercoming his childhood fear of water, dove into the river, and saved the banner Soo What do we get? What a great story! Now, uh, let me get this straight You stole the banner, got scared, and brought it back Yes, sir Security! Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, okay? We didn't steal it Istole it For him You see this guy here? This is a Celtics fan This guy sits in the seventy-fifth row he can barely make out the players, much less the court but he is there Two hours early, for warm-ups Well, you know they play the way they practice And he turned a guy who couldn't care less about the Celtics into a real fan Really? Oh, Pete, when you see a game from the bench like that Where the hell's security? - Okay, look! Look, I don't want to tell you your job, but you're a PR guy, right? - Yeah.
.
And you can either vilify the most dedicated fan in history, or you can turn him into a hero After all, I mean, isn't that what Celtic tradition's all about, making heroes? Thatis the biggest crock I've ever heard But I think I can sell it and save all our asses! How come you can never find the organ player? This is -- this is unbelievable! Look, the parquet floor! Butter - Hey, Pete.
I thought you said the best seats are up there? - Up there are the best seats If you're up there.
But, down here this is heaven Only you can commit larceny and wind up with floor seats Look, we're up by twelve We? Ladies and Gentlemen, your attention please.
The Boston Celtics would like to give a warm welcome to the young man who recovered the 1981 Celtic championship banner, Mr.
Pete Dunville! Hello? Oh hey Lar - Who's that? - Larry Bird Larry, Larry, Larry.
Larry let it go OK.
.
So Camp Pomahack had a lake But we had tetherball - We had archery, Larry - Berg, give me the phone! Give me the phone!! Well, so what? - Berg! - Field hockey is for sissies! Berg, give me the phone! I want to talk to him!
She's unbelievable - Yeah, I'll say.
It's 1603 and she's got implants And right now they're in peril Which is why the Celtics are the single greatest franchise in NBA history! Hey, now we have something to celebrate That is the one thousandth time you've told me that! Come on, Berg, let's go, let's go, let's go! - Pete, the game doesn't start for over two hours! - Yeah, I know, but you need to be there for warm-ups! - Why?! - 'Cause, we're playing the Bulls! The Celticsare playing the Bulls Youdidn't make the team Okay, can we please go?? - You watch the Celtics, I'll watch Xena, and we'll meet up later - Berg, what are you talking about? You have to go! Double-parked!! Ambulance still blocked!! They're sliding in the gurney!! Berg, you have to go And believe me, I'd love to, butXena really needs me Look, Berg, I promise This time you'll have fun! That's what you said last time Well, I'm sorry, you just weren't showing enough Celtic pride! It was an exhibition game! Against the Globetrotters! They were supposed to lose!! - Still, I think that the team needed your support -- - Pete, let's face it You suck the fun right out of it! I mean, when the Celtics win, you're an obnoxious, babbling fool -- and if they lose, you pout for three hours and listen toAir Supply!! We're not gonna lose!! Weare not playing We're just sitting there, eating and drinking, for two hours, while you pretend you're the coach from seventy-five rows back Ha ha! Atta boy Berg, keep that fire up!! Okay, team! - Let's get 'em!! - Woooo! Celtics! Green fingernail polish, that's a start Okay, I'm wearing green panties! Oh, c'mon, Berg, Berg, Berg I need you there All right, just stop giving me this 'Spanky forgot to feed Petey' look I'll be there for tip-off Well, todaywe learned all about the letter 'B' We baked bread, we studied butterflies, the student of the day was Billy Bumstead Oh? Well, I learned all about the letter 'S' today That I'm a self-serving sellout who's giving our environment a super slaughtering All, for a sports car and a salary! That was excellent! - You know, I envy you - Yeah, right No, I'm serious.
I mean, you wake up every morning looking forward to your job - Yeah, for the most part - You come home everyday feeling good about yourself - I try - You make a difference in kids' lives! - I make $18,000 a year - Ewwww! Hey! Snacks! C'mon, c'mon, DEFENSE! Thanks -- Come on, pick it up! - Lanes! Lanes! Why aren't they staying in the lanes?! - I don't know, I'm sorry! - Oh, hey Pete look! - What, what, what, what?? There, there, there! Way, way down there! I think it's a basketball game!! All right, look, there is no such thing as a bad seat at a Celtic game Yeah, sure -- because two miles below us is the single greatest franchise in NBA history Yeah, the Bulls Come on, come on -- slow it up! SLOW IT UP!! Yeah, see, see? This is why these are the best seats in the house! Up near the rafters, next to the Celtic championship banners this is where the real diehards are Isn't he cute?? Come on -- Murphy was all over him!! - DEFENSE!! DEFENSE!! - Not now We have the ball Man, I can't believe Berg is missing this! Onemore time, and the Tooth Fairy's gonna owe you 24 bucks! Ladies and gentlemen, please give a welcome to this evening's lucky ticket holder, who will watch tonight's game from the Celtic bench.
.
Mr.
Michael Bergen! No, no, no, no! No! He didn't even want to come! Hi Pete! I made it! - Worst game I ever saw in my life - What, are you kidding?! They won with a three-pointer at the buzzer Listen to me! Hey, hey! There he is! My man, Berg -- the Celtics' sixth man out of Beacon Street Pizza!! BillBILL! It's okaylet's not make it a big thing Do you believe it? You, the biggest Celtic fan in the world, and Berg winds up on the bench Heh-heh! Bill, you have a keen sense of irony All right, what's with him? I think he's still a little miffed at Berg's big ol' Mardi Gras head on the scoreboard The Jumbotron adds four hundred pounds to your face! Oh, I think it's past somebody's bedtime Look, PeteI tried to get you down there with me I begged the PR guy, only I didn't know where you were sitting Did you ever think of looking at the ticket? He took the ticket once he knew that I waswell, the lucky one - Honey, you can't blame him for being the lucky one! - Yeah, but I can hate him for it This behavior right here is exactly why I wanted to stay home Pete, look me in the eye and tell me you're really upset - I think I see a smile coming on! - Nooo! Heh, heh, heh and you sat right next to Larry Bird! Your favorite player Bill, do you have some kind of stake in pissing Pete off? Heh, heh LARRY BIRD! Heh, heh, heh Well, Larry now coaches another team, butthey had the night off Really? I wasn't aware of that Go on, Berg! Go on! Tell him! Tell him what you talked to Larry Bird about for two hours! Tell him! Well, strangest thing Larry and I both went to Camp Pomahack But get this The Camp Pomahack Larry went to was in Indiana Minewas in Albany! Two Camp Pomahacks! I don't care! Anybody? Pete, I found you that photo of Larry Bird on the Mike Douglas show My life is now complete Hey, wait! Charo! And Gabe Kaplan! I can't believe you got to sit on the bench Man, you had thousands of Celtics fans cheering you on It meant nothing to you.
Berg, I've been dreaming of that my whole life I had a dream once to dance.
I wanted so badly to join in this one company I could taste it.
Sure enough, one thing led to another I got the audition of a lifetime It didn't end there, did it? Why, no With my unique blend of classical ballet and raw stripper moves I got them dancing on their chairs Best of all, I never had to go back to that damn welding job! What a feeling! Okay, that's it - Look, we're staying at your place tonight - Okay, sweetie, that's fine Uh, night, you guysit wasreally fun Okaycan you believe the fart she cut in the car?! Forget heris Pete acting out or what? Oh, come on Berg Whether you mean to or not you ruined it for him! - I didn't even want to go! - Wellmaybe you can figure out some way to make it up to him What would Xena do? Nowis it just me, or is he dancin'like he's neverdanced before? Berg? Berg! Huh BERG!!!!! This is great I knew you'd love it Berg, this is, without a doubt, the best gift I have ever gotten Naaah How on earth did you get it? Remember the MacGyver when he had to get into that federal vault using only a stapler and a Q-Tip? YES! This is amazing! It's fantastic! It's a felony! Only if they find out Berg, this has to go back It belongs to the Celtics! - Says who? - Says the banner Berg, look, they earned it, not me Oh, I get it.
So all of a sudden you'renot on the team C'mon Berg, get real Think of all the aggravation you've been through watching their games You're telling me Think of the hours you've spentin line, waitin' for tickets in the snow Yeah.
.
One time, I got home, and my body temperature was seventy Pete, you deserve this as much as anyone .
.
and on behalf of the Boston Celtics organization, I herebywant you to have this Berg, I don't know Pete, come on, it's just a glorified bedspread! They'll never know it's gone! More on the outrage sweeping Boston over the championship banner stolen last night.
We go now to Jeff Colly with tonight's top sports story.
Jeff? A city violated -- legions of Celtic faithful are carrying signs, pleading for the return of the 1981 championship banner Some offer forgiveness for its safe return, but threats of retaliation can also be heard Do you believe this? What? Some lunatic broke into the Fleet Center last night and stole the '81 championship banner From the Celtics? No, from Cirque De Soleil - Bill, I'm sure it was just a prank - Yeah, I'll give you a prank When they catch this clown, his face goes right up on my dart board, which means banned from Beacon Street Pizza.
This boy will never get a slice of pie, anywhere! Bill, there's other pizza joints in Boston Oh, what, you don't think I talk to Little Caesar's? Or Domino's? Or The Hut? So, Bill What's the uh, big reward? Small pizza and a medium beverage! I'm sure they'll just make a new one Make a new oneyou just don't make a new one! That's like Xeroxing the Mona Lisa! No, these people should be caught and strung up by their go-betweens! Maybe we should keep this to ourselves? All right, which one of you boneheads took my hair dryer?! OhmyGodBERG!!!!! What kind of creep would steal a Celtic banner? I don't know about you, but I can't go to work today Can I talk to you guys for a sec?! She knows - She does? - Play dumb We are dumb Are you guys nuts?! I'm Nuts This is my partner, Pretzels What seems to be the problem, ma'am? You know what's gonna happen when you get caught?! Caught for what? Oh, cut the crap! You are not dealing with normal people here! These people are sports fans These people barbecue in their cars! - Okay, well that's why we're not going to tell anyone! - You have to give it back! But Sharon, it's in poor taste to return a gift Thanks to you guys, I'm now an accomplice! - Why are you an accomplice?? - Because, I now know who stole it! - Who asked you to go to our apartment? - Who asked you to steal my hair dryer?! Who asked you to take it back! I WASHED MY HAIR! And that's our fault?! Don't ever do that again! I stole something once - Mr.
Bauer, nobody stole anything - It was me and the Nazis, in a race against time The future of mankind depended on me retrieving the Ark of the Covenant Excuse us Get back here! You were saying? A word of advice: Do not open that chest It has unspeakable powers that no man was meant to possess What do you think of the hat? Berg, why can't we just drop it and run? Because, then we won't get a reward WaitI have a bad feeling about this You had a bad feeling about Shopping Cart Polo Yeah, and I broke my wrist! Yeah, and you met a nurse! We're gonna get caught - Trust me, okay? - Berg.
.
I like my go betweens You're forgetting We're the guys who recovered the Ark of the Covenant! Okay, we're going to go to jail! No, no, no I'll go to jail, you'll wind up with the lucky prison number and they'll send you on a cruise - Just relax - Berg, I don't think you realize how cute we look to larger men! And from the fans! Hell, you'd think I stole the damn thing! No, how 'bout you come up with a positive spin to put on this thing, and when you do I'll name a candy bar after you? I don't know, nuts, nougatlook, leave me alone! Whaddya want? - Remember me? You walked me down to the bench? - Oh, yeah -- the lucky ticket guy What's that, a four thousand calorie thank you note? Perfect, I'll die tonight and won't have to come in tomorrow You're gonna love this Thank God!! Where'd you get it?! We found it! -You found it?! - Yes we did! Well, listen, it was really nice meeting you.
Take care - And wait 'til you hear how we got it! - Oh, God Go ahead, tell me Berg, it's such a boring story This man is too modest After the game, we ran into a group of Bulls fans in a bar And they were bragging about how they stole the banner So we followed them out to a car and there they were, tying it around a big rock And they were taunting it Sure ! So we tailed them over to the BU bridge, where they stopped, and hurled it into the Charles River SPLASH! Pete hereovercoming his childhood fear of water, dove into the river, and saved the banner Soo What do we get? What a great story! Now, uh, let me get this straight You stole the banner, got scared, and brought it back Yes, sir Security! Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, okay? We didn't steal it Istole it For him You see this guy here? This is a Celtics fan This guy sits in the seventy-fifth row he can barely make out the players, much less the court but he is there Two hours early, for warm-ups Well, you know they play the way they practice And he turned a guy who couldn't care less about the Celtics into a real fan Really? Oh, Pete, when you see a game from the bench like that Where the hell's security? - Okay, look! Look, I don't want to tell you your job, but you're a PR guy, right? - Yeah.
.
And you can either vilify the most dedicated fan in history, or you can turn him into a hero After all, I mean, isn't that what Celtic tradition's all about, making heroes? Thatis the biggest crock I've ever heard But I think I can sell it and save all our asses! How come you can never find the organ player? This is -- this is unbelievable! Look, the parquet floor! Butter - Hey, Pete.
I thought you said the best seats are up there? - Up there are the best seats If you're up there.
But, down here this is heaven Only you can commit larceny and wind up with floor seats Look, we're up by twelve We? Ladies and Gentlemen, your attention please.
The Boston Celtics would like to give a warm welcome to the young man who recovered the 1981 Celtic championship banner, Mr.
Pete Dunville! Hello? Oh hey Lar - Who's that? - Larry Bird Larry, Larry, Larry.
Larry let it go OK.
.
So Camp Pomahack had a lake But we had tetherball - We had archery, Larry - Berg, give me the phone! Give me the phone!! Well, so what? - Berg! - Field hockey is for sissies! Berg, give me the phone! I want to talk to him!