Two Guys, a Girl and a Pizza Place (1998) s01e05 Episode Script
Two Guys, a Girl and an Apartment
Pete, they're leaving bye Sharon bye Sharon's date hey Sharon you're right he does look like a young Sean Connery remember you just met no farther than second base oh, she hates us so much it's driving me crazy tell me about it, so far I've counted six ornaments and only two chairs what could Mrs.
Wexler possibly do with six ornaments ? ok, sunday is our one year anniversary, Melissa and I and I know she's gonna make a big deal out of it why do I smell peaches ? 10:30 am after 24 hours of testing Peachy Keen cream my skin feels unusually soft and subtle "hey man, how're doing ?" wait wait wait, "Michelle" Bergin ? they're only taking women what am I gonna do with you "Michelle" ? here, let me help you with that oh that's good why don't you guys just lie right across the steps ? Pete, look, sarcasm do you have any idea how happy I am that women is finally moving out ? - meanwhile you steal her T.
V.
guide every week - oh, like she ever knew Mrs.
Wexler oh, we're sure gonna miss you yeah, and your oatmeal butter scottshies you're such sweet boys goodbye Peter, so long Berg Mrs.
Wexler, we're really sorry to see you leave I'm sure you are now how you're gonna know what's on T.
V.
? - happy anniversary - how did you know ? - Melissa told me - ah, you hear that, she's telling the neighbors Melissa, is that the little school teacher who laughs during intercourse ? hm, yes that's, hm yes God bless her I guess she'll be yakking it up on sunday night ! you hear that, Melissa is telling everyone she's completely out of control - yeah, we should get someone really great to move in here - you're right what're you doing ? I'll just set up our own stringing process before anybody even gets to the landlord and how do you propose to do that ? I still have Mrs.
Wexler spare keys she gave me for emergencies - and T.
V.
guides - shut up we'll just, show the apartement ourselves - sneaky vaguely unethical approved.
- wow wow, Pete, Pete, what do you think ? I don't know, I've only been with her for a year why is she doing this to me ? ok, so basically you want someone who's not gonna bug you someone who travels someone who travels will be huge she probably got her entire kindergarten class cranking up macaroni cards - a pilot would be great - we should invest everything we have in ranzony - or even better than a pilot, a stewardess - they're called flight attendants now Berg I apologize, that was sexist no kidding, and I am not about to live next door to some short skirted sky slut hey, let's take a vote Pete - my God, I have to get her a gift - see, that's two for stewardess why do I smell peaches ? - Pete, a little help here - got it Berg, you've been on the clock for 45 min and you already had 7 slices of pizza - I'm hungry - so is my family 3:15, starting to experience an unusual increase of appetite and Bill's being mean ahem, you'll never guess where I found our flyer Berg - at the gym - at the gym ? - yeah, in the women's locker room - no I don't even wanna know how you got in there ! oh, that reminds me, I've gotta give you your sundress back hey you guys, look what I just found in the ladies room isn't this your building ? ok, now that's a coincidence aw - yeah, that's our building - and since when did you become the landlord ? since we changed the number on the "For Rent" sign to Sharon's apartment.
sneaking into ladies room ! huh, that is just low ! don't get sanctimonious with me missy where'd put your flyers ? - we're talking about you now - I said where ? - Couple of monasteries, the yoga institute school for the deaf.
- Aha.
.
- So she wants someone low-key and low-maintenance and he wants - Altra babes - speak of which, you should check you machine - oh, good idea, I bet dozen of naked women have called by now look you guys, I'm sure you're gonna find a compromise well maybe a deaf mute with a double D cup yummy I gotta go sweetie, I gotta hit the supply store by 5 monday is paper ma-shay day you think I don't know that ? - I can't wait for tomorrow night - yeah, me too - man, Sharon what am gonna do ? - shh, I can't hear oh, this one must be one of yours some girl named Honey Labrador she sounds naked oops I deleted it hello, a little help ! - here you go Sharon - oh, thanks Bill did I leave, am I here ? - what ? - what ? what am I gonna got Melissa for our anniversary ? I donno, how about a nice bracelet ? - are you kidding ? - what ? look Sharon, the bracelet as we all know is a large member of the ring family ! and that I'm not ready for - how about a cappocino maker ? - ah, that's too intimate - coffee maker ? - possibly, if it's a ten cup, but anything smaller well you know we're celebrating the moment of our lives hey Bill, what did you get El last year for your anniversary ? oh, I got this picture of us and put it in a frame yeah, it was a picture of me and El walking on the beach at the Cap and I took these little sea shells we collected, and I bleached them, polished them, glued them around the frame even sprinkled glitter on them so they can shimmer like the waves what ? that is so sweet see, why don't you do that ? no, picture says portrait, portrait says family - and what's wrong with that ? - I don't want to lead her on I know, why don't you give her a picture of you in bed with another girl !? you know, so that it doesn't lead her on ! come on Sharon, I love her - then a gift should say that, why is so difficult ? - because I don't want it to say it to much - you know Pete, nothing says I love you like a pathetic lake of commitment - Berg, it's saturday, and our anniversary is tomorrow - Pete, in my experience the gift of saying I love you is all you really need - I appreciate that Mr.
Bauer - on our anniversary my love and I made something - and we're on it started with a little piece of clay I sat behind her at her potter's wheel as it spun and spun the wheel is turning faster and faster, our hands working as one, clay flying everywhere but then, tragically, I was murdered by an embezzling co-worker my one regret was, I never got to tell her I love her all I could say was "ditto" in the end it took a hilarious black psychic to bring us back together huh, thanks for the help - so, how long have you been in the circus ? - six years out standing ! - just for our files - doesn't that hurt ? - no, not at all, I'm double jointed - oh, yeay - ah, can I see the apartment now ? - you know, it looks just like this one, only with no furniture and a couple of rats and I think somebody chopped up somebody in the bedroom it's good meeting you - I - byee she seemed neighborly you only liked her because she can lick her own back - and you're saying that's a bad thing ? - let's just go over our choices fine - ok, um now, I'm leaning towards Max Larsen - no way, he lives with his mother and drives a van with no windows well, he like his privacy - because he's a serial killer - you know Berg, you're being impossible fine, you know what ? you just take your little files, and pick the ones you want because my opinion obviously doesn't mean anything, it's always about you so just do whatever what is wrong with you? you're irritable, you're eating like a pig, you got teary eyed last night while watching a TV commercial hey, the guy just called to say I love you mom if I didn't know better I would say you're PMSing oh, sure, just blame it on PMS Sharon, that is so typical - I found it, I got Melissa the perfect gift - good for you - haha - it's a toster yeah, I need you to wrap it for me and, I'm taking her for a romantic dinner at "La Boème" I don't know, that toaster is gonna be a tough act to follow see, she's been complaining about her toaster for a few months, so this just shows her that I'm listening - yeah, I'm sure that what she's gonna take away from it - look Sharon, this gift says everything that I wanted to say what, that you passed Sears on your way home ? - hello, anybody home ? - ok, that's her, you watch, she'll love it - hey guys - wow, you look great ok, I was so excited about giving you my gift I couldn't wait another minute - I put a lot of thought into you gift too - I'm sure I'll love it, just, open yours - keys ! - keys, to my apartment - sweetie, I already have keys to your apartment - no you don't, because these are keys to my new apartment apartment D, upstairs can you believe it ? it's just, it never would've occurred to me if it hasn't been for Sharon and Berg I mean, I knew guys would want someone you'd like, so I tracked down the landlord, and well here I am Pete got you a toaster how can you medical people go around playing fast and loose with something like estrogen ? well, I'm sorry I lied, but you've gotta help me I'm in a bad way, I'm taping "guiding light" man - so what'd he say ? - this PMS thing can sometimes last for several days really ? are we too moody to work ? hey, how's it going ? - bloated - good you know what ? thanks to you two, I have been at the store all day looking at dust-ruffles - really - yeah, if you two haven't been playing landlord, hanging up flyers all over Boston I wouldn't have a girlfriend for an upstairs neighbor oh, you know, this could be good for you when Melissa takes that apartment, you're closer, you spend more time together before you know, you're moving in, and after that, well, people boy I'll be honored to have your engagement party right here at Beacon's street pizza.
weekday prices of course.
- my God, he's right - we're not gonna have the party here - no Melissa, this is way ahead of my schedule, she can't move in - why not ? she meets my requirements she's quite, she's single jointed nothing to it, I, am holding out for the back-licker face it Berg, I win oh yeah, Sharon, imagine living next door to someone who comes home from work everyday happy and fulfilled from molding the minds of children after you've spent your day selling chemicals that soften the eggs of penguins ! I'll kill myself, Melissa can't move in - Pete, you've got to tell her - I can't, she'll hate me Pete my boy, I think I'm maybe able to shed some light on your situation you're screwed, fill her up Bill she said six, it's six - maybe she changed her mind, maybe she decided - you're kidding yourself I've got to fire somebody - oh, my, God - Mrs.
Wexler ! that explains all the cookies ! hey neighbors who wants a brownie ? doesn't seem like she changed her mind ! - ok Berg, go on - fine I'm just waiting for the right moment and when would that be, my wedding ? Sharon, go, come on, go ah, Melissa, look, yeah, I think there's something you wanna know, ahm I can't get to sleep at night until I blast my stereo really - that's really good - thanks, I love baking you know, cakes, cookies, pies, anything - really, it's moist - oh, thank you - what're you doing there ? - oh, just taking on the release valve on disposal - it's always the first thing to go - you bake and you plumb ? sure, shower heads, toilets, Pete showed me, it's really very simple wow, I'm very impressed, I'll keep the music down I also know CPR, fire safety and flood control this girl's amazing, she's like super neighbor ! you're out, you lost your stuff kid I'll take it from here look, Melissa, when this apartment came open, I saw this is a real opportunity for me to meet someone now, this has nothing to do with not wanting you in the building but but these oven mints they've gotta go ! I mean, little utters ? a good mint should be more functional than decorative when people ask me who is Melissa, I don't wanna have to say she's the girl with the cow oven mints ! I mean, oven mints shouldn't make that kind of statement and point frankly I don't know who would want to ! damn, I promised myself I wouldn't cry God, what is wrong with you Berg ? you're ranting ! Melissa, I don't want you to move in here yes, we're coming - don't just stand there, say something - like what ? like I've just got punched in the stomach ? - Melissa, how could you spring something like this on me - spring something ? I sprang this on you ? - yeah, you did, you put me in a really uncomfortable position - oh God, I'm really sorry Pete - oh, how many times have we discussed living together ? - I know, but nothing about next door ok, I thought this at least would be a step, you know - it's a pretty big step - you bought me a toaster I thought wow wow, at least he's listening to me you know I mean a gift where it says something and a toaster says, I wanna make breakfast for you I wanna spent my life with you - I guess sometimes a toaster is just a toaster - oh look Melissa, this is silly I mean think about it, if we weren't having this stupid anniversary, everything would be fine you know, we'd go out to dinner, we'd go the movies, we'd go to Carvel it's not enough anymore, a relationship has to keep going - it's like a shark you know, when a shark stops swimming - it dies, I know and we've stopped swimming ok, which leaves us where ? dead wait wait wait, come on Melissa, maybe we just need a little break no, no, we've done that, it doesn't work you know, we just wind up getting back together again and then breaking up and then getting back together again and I know, but that's just because you have the - I donno - why is that Pete ? Melissa I'm sorry look, I'm sorry look, I'm not saying this is all your fault I just can't live in this limbo anymore It just, hurts too much happy anniversary Pete - bloating ? - gone - appetite ? - normal - emotional ? - yes I'm kidding hey Pete - what you got there ? - ah, stuff from Melissa's apartment - you ok ? - it kinda sucks but - yeah I know - you know I keep telling myself it was for the best anybody wanna back me up on that ? so, how'd guys leave it, still gonna talk ? yeah we're still friends, we've been through a lot - so what am I suppose to do ? - yeah Pete I hope you and Melissa really gave some thought to how this is gonna affect Berg no no no, what am I suppose to do when I see her, around the neighborhood or the pizza place ? do I like, hide behind a mail box, do I say hello, do I try to trip her ? you say hi to her you big dummy, when she comes into the pizza place, you treat her like everybody else yeah, you screw up her order and give her the wrong change - you realize of course this is all of Berg's fault ? - yeah I know, no kidding, thanks for introducing me to her hey, I told you to date her, not to get involved with her fair enough hey, boroz game ? five minutes ? ok - you know what Pete really needs right now ? - what ? - compassion - no kidding and a hot stewardess to move in - huh, God, her belly button is double jointed - left foot green - huh, you guys are so losing - and loving it
Wexler possibly do with six ornaments ? ok, sunday is our one year anniversary, Melissa and I and I know she's gonna make a big deal out of it why do I smell peaches ? 10:30 am after 24 hours of testing Peachy Keen cream my skin feels unusually soft and subtle "hey man, how're doing ?" wait wait wait, "Michelle" Bergin ? they're only taking women what am I gonna do with you "Michelle" ? here, let me help you with that oh that's good why don't you guys just lie right across the steps ? Pete, look, sarcasm do you have any idea how happy I am that women is finally moving out ? - meanwhile you steal her T.
V.
guide every week - oh, like she ever knew Mrs.
Wexler oh, we're sure gonna miss you yeah, and your oatmeal butter scottshies you're such sweet boys goodbye Peter, so long Berg Mrs.
Wexler, we're really sorry to see you leave I'm sure you are now how you're gonna know what's on T.
V.
? - happy anniversary - how did you know ? - Melissa told me - ah, you hear that, she's telling the neighbors Melissa, is that the little school teacher who laughs during intercourse ? hm, yes that's, hm yes God bless her I guess she'll be yakking it up on sunday night ! you hear that, Melissa is telling everyone she's completely out of control - yeah, we should get someone really great to move in here - you're right what're you doing ? I'll just set up our own stringing process before anybody even gets to the landlord and how do you propose to do that ? I still have Mrs.
Wexler spare keys she gave me for emergencies - and T.
V.
guides - shut up we'll just, show the apartement ourselves - sneaky vaguely unethical approved.
- wow wow, Pete, Pete, what do you think ? I don't know, I've only been with her for a year why is she doing this to me ? ok, so basically you want someone who's not gonna bug you someone who travels someone who travels will be huge she probably got her entire kindergarten class cranking up macaroni cards - a pilot would be great - we should invest everything we have in ranzony - or even better than a pilot, a stewardess - they're called flight attendants now Berg I apologize, that was sexist no kidding, and I am not about to live next door to some short skirted sky slut hey, let's take a vote Pete - my God, I have to get her a gift - see, that's two for stewardess why do I smell peaches ? - Pete, a little help here - got it Berg, you've been on the clock for 45 min and you already had 7 slices of pizza - I'm hungry - so is my family 3:15, starting to experience an unusual increase of appetite and Bill's being mean ahem, you'll never guess where I found our flyer Berg - at the gym - at the gym ? - yeah, in the women's locker room - no I don't even wanna know how you got in there ! oh, that reminds me, I've gotta give you your sundress back hey you guys, look what I just found in the ladies room isn't this your building ? ok, now that's a coincidence aw - yeah, that's our building - and since when did you become the landlord ? since we changed the number on the "For Rent" sign to Sharon's apartment.
sneaking into ladies room ! huh, that is just low ! don't get sanctimonious with me missy where'd put your flyers ? - we're talking about you now - I said where ? - Couple of monasteries, the yoga institute school for the deaf.
- Aha.
.
- So she wants someone low-key and low-maintenance and he wants - Altra babes - speak of which, you should check you machine - oh, good idea, I bet dozen of naked women have called by now look you guys, I'm sure you're gonna find a compromise well maybe a deaf mute with a double D cup yummy I gotta go sweetie, I gotta hit the supply store by 5 monday is paper ma-shay day you think I don't know that ? - I can't wait for tomorrow night - yeah, me too - man, Sharon what am gonna do ? - shh, I can't hear oh, this one must be one of yours some girl named Honey Labrador she sounds naked oops I deleted it hello, a little help ! - here you go Sharon - oh, thanks Bill did I leave, am I here ? - what ? - what ? what am I gonna got Melissa for our anniversary ? I donno, how about a nice bracelet ? - are you kidding ? - what ? look Sharon, the bracelet as we all know is a large member of the ring family ! and that I'm not ready for - how about a cappocino maker ? - ah, that's too intimate - coffee maker ? - possibly, if it's a ten cup, but anything smaller well you know we're celebrating the moment of our lives hey Bill, what did you get El last year for your anniversary ? oh, I got this picture of us and put it in a frame yeah, it was a picture of me and El walking on the beach at the Cap and I took these little sea shells we collected, and I bleached them, polished them, glued them around the frame even sprinkled glitter on them so they can shimmer like the waves what ? that is so sweet see, why don't you do that ? no, picture says portrait, portrait says family - and what's wrong with that ? - I don't want to lead her on I know, why don't you give her a picture of you in bed with another girl !? you know, so that it doesn't lead her on ! come on Sharon, I love her - then a gift should say that, why is so difficult ? - because I don't want it to say it to much - you know Pete, nothing says I love you like a pathetic lake of commitment - Berg, it's saturday, and our anniversary is tomorrow - Pete, in my experience the gift of saying I love you is all you really need - I appreciate that Mr.
Bauer - on our anniversary my love and I made something - and we're on it started with a little piece of clay I sat behind her at her potter's wheel as it spun and spun the wheel is turning faster and faster, our hands working as one, clay flying everywhere but then, tragically, I was murdered by an embezzling co-worker my one regret was, I never got to tell her I love her all I could say was "ditto" in the end it took a hilarious black psychic to bring us back together huh, thanks for the help - so, how long have you been in the circus ? - six years out standing ! - just for our files - doesn't that hurt ? - no, not at all, I'm double jointed - oh, yeay - ah, can I see the apartment now ? - you know, it looks just like this one, only with no furniture and a couple of rats and I think somebody chopped up somebody in the bedroom it's good meeting you - I - byee she seemed neighborly you only liked her because she can lick her own back - and you're saying that's a bad thing ? - let's just go over our choices fine - ok, um now, I'm leaning towards Max Larsen - no way, he lives with his mother and drives a van with no windows well, he like his privacy - because he's a serial killer - you know Berg, you're being impossible fine, you know what ? you just take your little files, and pick the ones you want because my opinion obviously doesn't mean anything, it's always about you so just do whatever what is wrong with you? you're irritable, you're eating like a pig, you got teary eyed last night while watching a TV commercial hey, the guy just called to say I love you mom if I didn't know better I would say you're PMSing oh, sure, just blame it on PMS Sharon, that is so typical - I found it, I got Melissa the perfect gift - good for you - haha - it's a toster yeah, I need you to wrap it for me and, I'm taking her for a romantic dinner at "La Boème" I don't know, that toaster is gonna be a tough act to follow see, she's been complaining about her toaster for a few months, so this just shows her that I'm listening - yeah, I'm sure that what she's gonna take away from it - look Sharon, this gift says everything that I wanted to say what, that you passed Sears on your way home ? - hello, anybody home ? - ok, that's her, you watch, she'll love it - hey guys - wow, you look great ok, I was so excited about giving you my gift I couldn't wait another minute - I put a lot of thought into you gift too - I'm sure I'll love it, just, open yours - keys ! - keys, to my apartment - sweetie, I already have keys to your apartment - no you don't, because these are keys to my new apartment apartment D, upstairs can you believe it ? it's just, it never would've occurred to me if it hasn't been for Sharon and Berg I mean, I knew guys would want someone you'd like, so I tracked down the landlord, and well here I am Pete got you a toaster how can you medical people go around playing fast and loose with something like estrogen ? well, I'm sorry I lied, but you've gotta help me I'm in a bad way, I'm taping "guiding light" man - so what'd he say ? - this PMS thing can sometimes last for several days really ? are we too moody to work ? hey, how's it going ? - bloated - good you know what ? thanks to you two, I have been at the store all day looking at dust-ruffles - really - yeah, if you two haven't been playing landlord, hanging up flyers all over Boston I wouldn't have a girlfriend for an upstairs neighbor oh, you know, this could be good for you when Melissa takes that apartment, you're closer, you spend more time together before you know, you're moving in, and after that, well, people boy I'll be honored to have your engagement party right here at Beacon's street pizza.
weekday prices of course.
- my God, he's right - we're not gonna have the party here - no Melissa, this is way ahead of my schedule, she can't move in - why not ? she meets my requirements she's quite, she's single jointed nothing to it, I, am holding out for the back-licker face it Berg, I win oh yeah, Sharon, imagine living next door to someone who comes home from work everyday happy and fulfilled from molding the minds of children after you've spent your day selling chemicals that soften the eggs of penguins ! I'll kill myself, Melissa can't move in - Pete, you've got to tell her - I can't, she'll hate me Pete my boy, I think I'm maybe able to shed some light on your situation you're screwed, fill her up Bill she said six, it's six - maybe she changed her mind, maybe she decided - you're kidding yourself I've got to fire somebody - oh, my, God - Mrs.
Wexler ! that explains all the cookies ! hey neighbors who wants a brownie ? doesn't seem like she changed her mind ! - ok Berg, go on - fine I'm just waiting for the right moment and when would that be, my wedding ? Sharon, go, come on, go ah, Melissa, look, yeah, I think there's something you wanna know, ahm I can't get to sleep at night until I blast my stereo really - that's really good - thanks, I love baking you know, cakes, cookies, pies, anything - really, it's moist - oh, thank you - what're you doing there ? - oh, just taking on the release valve on disposal - it's always the first thing to go - you bake and you plumb ? sure, shower heads, toilets, Pete showed me, it's really very simple wow, I'm very impressed, I'll keep the music down I also know CPR, fire safety and flood control this girl's amazing, she's like super neighbor ! you're out, you lost your stuff kid I'll take it from here look, Melissa, when this apartment came open, I saw this is a real opportunity for me to meet someone now, this has nothing to do with not wanting you in the building but but these oven mints they've gotta go ! I mean, little utters ? a good mint should be more functional than decorative when people ask me who is Melissa, I don't wanna have to say she's the girl with the cow oven mints ! I mean, oven mints shouldn't make that kind of statement and point frankly I don't know who would want to ! damn, I promised myself I wouldn't cry God, what is wrong with you Berg ? you're ranting ! Melissa, I don't want you to move in here yes, we're coming - don't just stand there, say something - like what ? like I've just got punched in the stomach ? - Melissa, how could you spring something like this on me - spring something ? I sprang this on you ? - yeah, you did, you put me in a really uncomfortable position - oh God, I'm really sorry Pete - oh, how many times have we discussed living together ? - I know, but nothing about next door ok, I thought this at least would be a step, you know - it's a pretty big step - you bought me a toaster I thought wow wow, at least he's listening to me you know I mean a gift where it says something and a toaster says, I wanna make breakfast for you I wanna spent my life with you - I guess sometimes a toaster is just a toaster - oh look Melissa, this is silly I mean think about it, if we weren't having this stupid anniversary, everything would be fine you know, we'd go out to dinner, we'd go the movies, we'd go to Carvel it's not enough anymore, a relationship has to keep going - it's like a shark you know, when a shark stops swimming - it dies, I know and we've stopped swimming ok, which leaves us where ? dead wait wait wait, come on Melissa, maybe we just need a little break no, no, we've done that, it doesn't work you know, we just wind up getting back together again and then breaking up and then getting back together again and I know, but that's just because you have the - I donno - why is that Pete ? Melissa I'm sorry look, I'm sorry look, I'm not saying this is all your fault I just can't live in this limbo anymore It just, hurts too much happy anniversary Pete - bloating ? - gone - appetite ? - normal - emotional ? - yes I'm kidding hey Pete - what you got there ? - ah, stuff from Melissa's apartment - you ok ? - it kinda sucks but - yeah I know - you know I keep telling myself it was for the best anybody wanna back me up on that ? so, how'd guys leave it, still gonna talk ? yeah we're still friends, we've been through a lot - so what am I suppose to do ? - yeah Pete I hope you and Melissa really gave some thought to how this is gonna affect Berg no no no, what am I suppose to do when I see her, around the neighborhood or the pizza place ? do I like, hide behind a mail box, do I say hello, do I try to trip her ? you say hi to her you big dummy, when she comes into the pizza place, you treat her like everybody else yeah, you screw up her order and give her the wrong change - you realize of course this is all of Berg's fault ? - yeah I know, no kidding, thanks for introducing me to her hey, I told you to date her, not to get involved with her fair enough hey, boroz game ? five minutes ? ok - you know what Pete really needs right now ? - what ? - compassion - no kidding and a hot stewardess to move in - huh, God, her belly button is double jointed - left foot green - huh, you guys are so losing - and loving it