Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps (2001) s01e05 Episode Script

# Hey, Mr Bartender, give me a drink # I want a cold, wet glass with bubbles in it # And that doesn't mean I can't handle anything stronger, now #Just think I'll wait a while # I'll have a pint of lager, please! # And a pack of flakeys # Did you hear about the farmer who took No.
What happened? The poor man! Did his heart burst? Gaz, it's a joke.
- Didn't hear that bit.
Go on.
- He went to bed and had 40 wanks.
Class! I told you that joke, and you just shrugged.
- So? - Well, you found it funnier than Michael Barrymore's elongated head when you told it.
- Well, that's 'cause I told it.
- Elongated head? It's like he's trapped between lift doors.
- Why didn't you laugh at me? - You're not funny.
- And Jonny's joke had a farmer in it.
- Jonny thinks I'm funny.
Well, yeah.
When you do that weird dance, it's pretty funny.
I don't have a weird Oh, my God! Are you talking about my hip-hop style? I thought that was really cool.
You can be really unfair sometimes.
- Women aren't meant to make jokes.
- Why can't we? That's sexist.
It's not that you can't, you just shouldn't.
It takes attention away from your breasts.
- What about French And Saunders? - Yeah, they've got big ones.
No, do you think they're funny? Their tits? Well, if they juggled them around a bit, I might.
- What about Victoria Wood, then? - Tits in a tabard.
- Lily Savage? - Please.
Cracking legs, though.
- Well, she has.
- Pub.
Now.
This top don't look dirty, does it? - No.
- Me mum used to do my washing, - but she saw I had a girlfriend.
- Does she expect Donna to do it? No, you weren't listening.
She SAW I had a girlfriend.
She walked in? Can't look at me any more.
Donna was cool, though.
She just said, "Hello, Mrs Gaz.
Would you like some chocolate body-gel?" - So what did you do? - Told her Donna was my cousin.
- I need a replacement mother.
- The solemn echo of single men everywhere.
I need a sort of chunky woman, you know, who brings me sandwiches and puts Matey in me bath.
- Why don't you make your own sandwiches? - No way.
I do have me dignity.
No.
I'll manipulate her into being housekeeper and sandwich maker, and she won't know a thing.
I am the master of cunning.
- How do you get Janet to do it? - She doesn't.
Well, wouldn't you like her to? Nah.
I guess my only problem with Janet is that she swears a bit too much for a girl.
Everyone needs to swear.
What are you supposed to shout at Ricky Martin videos? She could read a book sometimes.
Add a bit of intellect to the conversation.
- You don't read books.
- I read Alex Ferguson's life story.
Only so you could change the words with a biro.
"The crowd roared as I shat in what once had been the Queen's box.
" "Scholes left open his side of the bitch.
" And I wish she'd wear more dresses.
Hang on.
Hang on.
You want a girly-girl who reads books? Yeah.
Who wears dresses and doesn't swear? - Yeah.
- You fancy Louise.
No, I don't.
I love Janet.
No, you might love Janet, i.
e.
not hate her but you really want Louise.
No.
No.
She's too perfect for me, Louise.
She's got perfect skin, perfect hair, perfect nostrils.
My God! It can't be true.
All right.
All right.
Think about Louise in her underwear.
And it's, like black leather underwear with tassels.
And she's saying, "Jonny, leave your girlfriend, "and come and live in my commune of naughty ladies.
" Thought about it? I'm going to the toilet.
- OK, who wants to hear my joke? - 40 wanks? Two words isn't a joke.
Unless it's, like, "Pretentious? Moi?" Now, that's funny.
No, "40 wanks" is the punchline.
There's more before that.
Before the wanks? What? Kissing and that? I'd expect at least a Pernod.
Forget it.
You've ruined it now, Louise.
I'm going upstairs to find some joke books.
I'm going to make you laugh until you die.
Come on, Donna.
Laugh until I die.
(LAUGHS) - Louise.
- (SCREAMS) - I'm sorry.
I thought you were - Dead? - Yes.
- I was pretending.
Janet said she was going to kill us.
- How does she know? - Know what? Well, that I, um I, um ate all the pies.
Jonny, can I ask you something personal? Erm, how personal? Above or below here? Oh, above.
I wouldn't involve you in anything that included the words "pelvic floor", "yeast infection" or "panty".
- You'll make someone a great wife.
- I know.
- Jonny? - Yes? Do you think I have hairy arms? No, I think you've got perfect arms, like a work of art.
You have arms like the Venus de Milo.
Oh.
Even so, I think I'll try some depilatory cream.
You're an inoffensive, non-sexual man.
You could come shopping with me.
Erm I don't know.
Me and, um - Janet? - Yes.
We might be doing something, 'cause she is my girlfriend that I go out with.
- What was that about me? - Here she is! Isn't she great? We have sex! Jonny, shut up.
Listen to my joke.
OK.
What is the difference between a nun praying and a nun having a bath? One has hope in her soul, and the other has - Oh, forget it.
I'll never be funny.
- No, you'll just have to fall over more.
Balloons are funny.
Making things out of balloons.
I love that.
I can do that, Louise.
Jonny, we don't have any balloons.
Ah, Jonny's lovely, isn't he? He's going upstairs now to make some sort of poodle out of balloons.
Or even one of those little sparkly things made of old stocking stuffed with newspaper.
There.
Oh, see how it twinkles in the light (!) Well, Louise said she liked them.
I like balloon animals - sausage dogs and giraffes.
I knew this guy once who made a balloon baby Jesus.
All right, Louise.
This is, er um A pig.
But without legs, so it's disabled, and thus politically correct.
(OINKS) Please look after me, Louise! - The farmer has eaten my legs! - Aah! Kiss-kiss.
My God! It's all slimy! - Very intelligent, Jonny.
- You want intelligence? Watch this.
(HUMS) Ah! Ah! The Hindenburg disaster! Ah! Ah! Well, it's history, see? - That's a sick thing to do, Jonny.
- A lot of people died there, Jonny.
Yeah.
Hey, Janet, can I take Jonny shopping with me for hair remover cream tomorrow? (MUSIC ON RADIO) I've been looking for that! - What is it? Comfort poultry? - No, it was from me mum.
She always drops off her leftovers.
Well, she used to, before the incident.
- This is unhygienic.
You might get mice.
- Hey, maybe the mice could clean for me.
"Bagpuss".
Given so many children false hope.
Yeah, I'm glad he got killed.
- Bagpuss never got killed.
- Oh, yeah.
That was Tupac Shakur.
- Anyway, some of this stuff's mine.
- Yeah! Do you want me to give you a hand tidying up? - Really? - Yes.
I don't have to secretly manipulate you at all? - 'Course not.
- I am the master of cunning.
Right, come on.
- What are you doing now? - Arranging my porn into alphabetical order.
From "Aardvarks and Men - a Lover's Guide" right through to "X-Rays of Love".
Now you're annoying me, so go out.
I'll do it myself.
I am the master of cunning.
Will you stop worrying, mate? Did you know "monogamy" is an anagram of "no go, mamy"? - Why "mamy"? - The Black and White Minstrels said it.
What about "trust and love"? "Don't rave, slut".
Not the anagram.
The real stuff - trust and love.
Couldn't tell you about that.
I could tell you about manipulation, though.
I am the master of cunning.
As we speak, Donna is reorganising my porn by smell.
I think I'm in love with Louise.
- And you want Janet to let you give her one? - Yeah No! Everybody has more than one woman in their lives.
- Not me.
I've never cheated.
- No, you misunderstood.
- Number one is Mummy.
- And I have never shagged my mummy.
No! She's a safe woman, the one you run to when number two dumps you.
- And woman number two is.
- Janet.
And at the moment, you've got number three - Louise.
Does that mean I get to slip her one? No, she's just your girlfriend's sexy mate - a bathroom buddy.
Right.
So, who else? Well, there's thousands of them.
Let's see There's the ones who you know fancy you, the ego-boosters.
Oh, yeah, like that fat woman who runs the flower stall that I always imagine naked.
Naked and running.
Best keeping that one to yourself, mate.
Thing is, I'm going shopping with Louise this afternoon.
Well then, there's your chance.
Try telling her.
If she vomits on you, obsession cured.
- What if she tells Janet? - Girls don't tell each other these things! Girls are loyal to men.
How do you get red wine off mirrors? With your tongue.
- How about this one? - Go on.
A naked nun is having a bath - Is this the blind man joke? - You've heard it? Nuns themselves would throw their special vegetables at you.
Nuns don't have special vegetables.
They have normal ones.
I think you'll find they have very special vegetables.
- Mum, you shouldn't eavesdrop.
- It's my job, dear.
- If it wasn't you, it'd be Katie.
- Listen to her, then.
Oh, God, no! All she talks about is whether or not she's pregnant this month.
I'd rather watch "Quincy".
Have you not told her about birth control? I am a connoisseur of bedroom oopsies.
You were one yourself, you know? If I'd gone t'doctor's instead of Magaluf, you wouldn't be here now.
Oh, this is the hardest thing I've ever done.
If it's jokes you want, I'm your woman.
I was known as the "wisecracking wag" during my days on the stage.
Sure it wasn't the "sure-fire shag"? Thanks for helping me choose.
I mean, there's so much choice.
Gels, wax, strips.
And what was that revolting yellow stuff in cling film? - That was a Boots' Shapers salad.
- Ah.
- Jonny? - Yes, Louise? - Remember when you shook me back to life? - Yes, I remember.
You touched my booby.
(GIGGLES) I wouldn't have noticed.
I'm sorry, I really am.
That's OK.
You wouldn't have done it on purpose, not with you being Jonny Kissed me you did.
- Eurrghh! - I beg your pardon? Well, I said, "Eurrghh!", but what I meant was, "Bleurrgh!" You taste of lard.
But you kissed me.
That means you fancy me more than Janet.
No.
Didn't you hear what I said? Bleurrgh! It's like kissing the bits they sucked out of Roseanne Barr.
I'm going home to Janet.
She tastes of spearmint and usually lager.
- All right, Gaz.
- Thank God for that.
I'm so bored.
Donna's locked me out.
She's got rid of that smell of halibut, but she won't let me back in till it's perfect.
Oh, you got flowers for me, mate! No.
These are for Janet.
- That's very generous.
- Nah, not at all.
There was a fresh grave.
- So, you done Louise, then? - No.
No.
- No She tastes funny.
- What do you mean? She tastes of lard.
I think we need to have a little talk about women.
Sometimes women need a little bit of lubrication, know what I mean? And if Louise chooses lard, who are we to be picky? No, no, no! I didn't No, I just kissed her, and she tastes rank.
Really.
Really, she does.
And it's totally put me off.
I'm cured.
Good.
I can start fantasising about her again without your face interfering.
And now I've got the added bonus of lard.
- I'm thinking of telling Janet.
- Not fond of your genitals, then? - They're all right.
Why? - Girlfriends don't like you kissing friends.
It makes them somewhat hell bitches.
Don't tell her.
Nah, nah.
Janet won't mind.
All right.
You can tell her.
She's coming down with Donna.
- I thought they might dance for me.
- Oh.
The jukebox is broke.
- You'll have to sing again.
- You do backing? 'Ere y'are # Kumbaya, my Lord # Kumbaya # (IMITATES DRUM MACHINE) # One time! Kumbaya! # Someone's sleeping, Lord # - Beautiful, isn't it? - Yep.
Male bonding the greatest tragedy of our time.
- Apart from Jimmy Savile.
- Well, yeah.
- I'll get these.
- # Someone's singing, Lord, kumbaya # - Hello.
- All right.
You're going to love the flat now.
It's like a place of tranquil Well, it's got the essence of Well, we can do it in the bed instead of the fire escape.
Janet.
Janet, come and sit here.
I've got a surprise for you.
- Is it the flowers? - Yes.
Surprise over.
Let's get pissed.
- Gaz! - Right.
Listen.
I've got a joke.
- Please don't.
Please shut up! - No.
Shh! OK, listen.
"Doctor, I am obsessed with wife swapping.
" Doctor says, "How does your wife feel?" Patient says, "Oh, really firm and juicy.
How about yours?" Oh, come on! That is funny.
- Someone stop her.
- She's been like this all afternoon.
- Please don't say more.
- Shh! Listen! OK.
"Doctor, I don't find my wife attractive any more.
" Doctor says, "I could recommend a good psychiatrist.
" Patient says, "You know one with big tits?" - Come on! Laugh! They're funny.
- Please shut her up.
- This one you will love.
OK.
- Oh, why?! "Doctor, do you have anything for diarrhoea?" Jonny got off with Louise.
What?! Gaz! I Oh, I Take that, you leftover monkey DNA! Ow! (SQUEALS) (PHONE RINGS) Hello? Oh, hi, Janet.
(JANET BABBLES) All right, then.
I'm going to the boys' pub.
(GROWLS) (GROWLS) - Janet - Lard does not make it OK.
Yeah, that's what I said when Gaz wanted to bum-love me.
- I didn't enjoy it.
- He didn't, you know.
Even got over his obsession about her.
(MUTTERS) OK.
We've all thought about our friends' partners.
- I bet you've thought about Gaz.
- No, not in that way.
Not in a naked way Well, OK, in a naked way.
Thanks.
- Was I well endowed? - Well, I can't really rem Shut up! I don't want to think about it! But I never kissed Gaz.
We can even the score now, if you like.
- What about me? - Well, you could kiss Jonny.
- What about me? - You'd carry on with me, but we'd have to include Louise somewhere.
Louise! Oh, my God! What have you done to her? It wasn't him.
I had an allergic reaction to the hair-removing cream.
- Oh, OK.
Well, then, I'm going to - Whoa! Whoa! OK.
OK, I'm fine.
Calm, see? She won't know what to do, anyway.
Just let her go.
What? I don't know.
Oh, here.
But what I do know is this - each one of you has betrayed my trust.
Louise, you have the morals of a magpie from the same gene pool as Anthea Turner.
Gaz, you probably encouraged Jonny, so you deserve to be pissed on by the Grumbleweeds.
And Donna, you knew about this and didn't tell me.
That's the worst of all.
- Excuse me! I didn't know.
- Well, you should've done.
I discovered Gaz's dwarf porn minutes before I told you.
Will you call them "vertically-challenged"? "Dwarf" is a bit offensive.
And, Jonny, well, you just have bad hair.
What? What are you laughing at? It's funny.
You're good at insulting people.
Yeah.
Go on.
Do me again.
Do me.
- Come on.
- OK.
OK, um Well, Gaz, if you weren't with Donna, I know a packet of Kleenex with personality.
OK, and open your eyes now! It's like being inside a Care Bear.
Do you like it? I got it all from Oxfam.
Have they got a sale on for utter crap? What have you done?! I've tidied it, like I said.
You haven't tidied.
You've turned my manly abode into a toilet roll advert! Listen, there's nothing wrong with the feminine touch.
The feminine touch is cleaning the bath, buying groceries and the occasional hand-job.
This isn't the feminine touch.
This is a feminine headlock! My God! I threw away all my principles and I tidied your flat! I bought you loads of new stuff.
There's even some fudge in the fridge.
It's girl food!! - And this is how you repay me.
- It's a shock! It's like being told you're going to die, only more pink.
Look! Look! It's clean, isn't it? I thought you'd do me housework, like me mum, and also be a willing sexual partner.
- Gaz? - What? Don't forget your fudge! (DOOR SLAMS) Me porn! (WAILS) Nooooo!! Why shouldn't you change a man's home? It was so much nicer.
It was nicer for you, but a man needs his own space, away from us even from a woman as alluring as me.
(KNOCK AT DOOR) Katie, it's open.
Gary, love Come on in.
Have you come to see Donna or me? I've come to see Donna.
We need to talk.
Yeah? Mum, can we have a bit of privacy, please? All right, I'm sorry.
I'll go and listen from the living room.
- Can I sit down? - Well, I don't know.
Maybe the chairs are too feminine.
This one's going through the menopause.
- Donna, I'm sorry.
- What? - I was wrong.
- Are you pissed? Yeah, but I'm still sorry.
Right.
And you're after a shag? Yeah, but I'm actually sorry.
You're sorry? God, I'm good at this guilt thing.
No, no.
It's not that.
It's just that when you left, I realised it wasn't that bad.
- But you still threw it out, right? - Well, yeah.
But I started thinking about us.
And I sort of realised I didn't want to lose you over something so stupid.
- Yeah? - But then I carried on thinking, and then my brain started hurting, so I made a sandwich.
Then I thought some more and I come to the conclusion I love you, Donna.
Please forgive me.
Yes, yes, yes! Hey, you'll be moving out soon! Or even getting married.
I've always suited hats.
Oh, Mum.
Master of cunning.
You know, if I hadn't have kissed Louise, you'd have never got over that joke business.
- Mm-hmm.
- So - in a way, it was good that I kissed her.
- Mm-hmm.
But you've got a really angry-looking back, so I'll retract that.
Nope.
I'm not angry any more.
I've had my revenge.
What? Saying I had bad hair? Excellent (!) No I snogged Louise.
And actually, I think it's more mediciney than lardy.
- Is that all? - What do you mean? Aren't you jealous? No.
Well 'Cause, you see, I touched her booby, so I think I'm ahead of you.
What?! Right! Louise! Get your tits out! # I'll have a pint of lager, please! # Why is life so big? - How do you feel? - It's not definite, though.
Well, it is a possibility.
How could you let this happen? I thought you kept the alcohol level in your blood too high to conceive.
# I'll have a pint of lager, please! #