Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps (2001) s02e02 Episode Script

Hey, Mr Bartender, give me a drink I want a cold, wet glass with bubbles in it And that doesn't mean I can't handle anything stronger, now Just think I'll wait a while I'll have a pint of lager, please! And a pack of flakeys - Me and Gaz are moving on a step.
- You're getting engaged? - No.
- Moving in together.
- No.
- What, then? We're going to have a conversation.
My God.
You're not ready.
It will surely be the end of you! - What's it gonna be about, then? - I haven't a clue.
Every question's usually answered by "Manchester City".
I'd have to say Manchester City.
- Gaz.
- What? Just check that for me a second.
Jesus bollocking shite! I've found him.
Ever since I was little, I've wanted a posh bloke.
Now I've got one.
Where did you meet him? Well, his name's James, and I didn't really meet him.
What do you mean? This isn't like when you said Rolf Harris was your dad, is it? I didn't say he was my dad.
I said he was my spiritual leader.
- How is it you haven't met him? - I just went up to him and said, "Are you posh?" He said, "Posh-ish," which is such a posh thing to say.
So I said, "I'll have you, then.
" - You can't do that.
- Why not? It worked.
- That's really sexist.
- Hello, Donna! I'm a woman.
Women can't be sexist.
"I'll have you, then.
" That's treating him like an object, like a jumper or a cornflake.
You've got to be businesslike.
You can't go falling in love all over the place.
- Well, I did.
- Or letting your friends set you up.
- Well, I did.
- Exactly.
You wound up with a lanky streak of piss and a bloke whose knuckles skim the ground.
One thousand pounds.
One thousand pounds! What d'you reckon one thousand pounds looks like? Like God.
- You've never seen God.
- I've never seen £1,000 before.
I've never seen a Himalayan goat.
Don't make it God.
- It could have special powers.
- Like what? Like the ability to change shoes quickly.
- What shall I spend it on? - The world's your oyster, mate.
There y'are! You could buy oysters.
They're really expensive.
It could be loads of little cheap things.
Yes, I like the sound of that.
Sounds like my kind of evening.
Would these little cheap things be wearing Spandex? - Or a holiday.
- Great.
Where we goin'? - I couldn't take you.
- I'm great on holiday! I've got Trivial Pursuit Junior.
- Janet'd kill me.
- Don't tell her.
She'd wonder where I'd been for two weeks! Just tell her you've been working away on a top secret mission.
Gaz, for one, I've not been a spy since I was eight and videoed your sister taking a dump.
What?! And two, what about the money for this work? You've just won a grand! - Have you been taking drugs? - That's it.
You could buy drugs with it.
- I don't take drugs.
- Then, sell 'em.
- To who? - To me.
I could sell 'em on for you.
How will you buy a grand's worth of drugs? It just so happens, I know a bloke who's won a thousand pounds.
Oh, baby, baby I should not have let you go And now you're out of sight, yeah Show me how you want it to be Tell me, baby, 'cause I need to know, oh, because - # My loneliness is killin' me # - Guess who! Well, judging by the smell of cheap ale and breath mints, it's Mr Trebor after the match.
Gi's a kiss! Don't! It's a new one! Are you a man who could undo a bra while ripping knickers off with his teeth? - Mum, we were just - Just making sweet, sweet love.
No, I had an itch, and Gary was scratching it.
I've had those itches.
No need to explain.
- Can we have some privacy? - Gary, how are you? - I'm all right.
What were you saying? - How's your lovely flat? She loves it there.
She always comes home with a lovely post-coital flush, don't you? - Can you leave us alone? - No.
- Why? - I've got nobody to talk to.
- All right.
Sorry, Mum.
- Besides, there's no telling what Gary could do to my linen cloth with his '70s funk.
- '70s funk? - Rhyming slang, Gary.
Were just trying to have a conversation.
Oh, no.
You must never have a conversation.
Your relationship is based on lust.
- Never lose that.
- No, I want to get to know Donna properly.
Let him know the real you and you'll be gone quicker than Gary Glitter's grandkids.
- I don't want to have secrets from him.
- Oh, really? So presumably you've told him about your downstairs vanity regime? Well, no Gary, she has to visit a salon twice a month for her bikini line doin'.
- Pubes grow halfway down her legs.
- Mum! Minge Fringe, they called her at school.
A thousand pounds! Oh, my God! What are we gonna spend it on? Clothes? Horses? I know - we can invest it in clothes horses.
- Gaz wanted to buy drugs with it.
- That's naughty.
I mean, bad, dude, gangstery mother-flipper.
You could fumigate the house, get the smell of kippers out of the place.
- Kippers? - Yeah, it's like a rotten front bottom.
Louise, Jonny shouldn't be pressured into spending his money.
I'll say the same to Gaz.
You bought the scratchy, it's your money.
Nobody - not even me - can tell you how to spend it.
- You deserve this.
Enjoy it while it lasts.
- Oh, Janet, that's well smart of you.
- I'll go and phone Camelot.
- Yeah.
- He's buying an engagement ring.
- How do you know? He said we'd get married when he had some money.
- Hello? - Don't let on, all right? - Hiya.
- All right, rich lass.
- Can't I tell Donna? - Tell me what? - That I fell over.
- Oh, busted.
Um Right, we've gotta celebrate this.
I'll go shopping tomorrow, and I'll throw a big dinner party.
- Hey, we can have our conversation.
- Great.
- Can't I come, too? - 'Course you can.
Bring your new boyfriend.
I can make my famous beef curtains.
(INAUDIBLE) I don't know if James can come.
Well, just ask.
Jonny, can I have 500 quid? - Nope.
- And he can always say no.
- Ask who where? - I'm throwing a dinner party.
You can buy the food.
Can we have peas? Gaz, I will be buying.
Jonny shouldn't be pressured into spending his money.
He should spend it on something he really, really loves.
Well, they won £1,000 on a scratch card, so the food should be good.
You can buy the Smiths' back catalogue with that.
I think Jonny'll spend it on an engagement ring.
Do you think we'll get married and have some sex? I'm not sure about the first.
We hardly know each other.
But the second one's a dead cert, is it? Come on, my son! James, can you not do that in front of me, please? Sorry.
- Louise? - Yes, James? - When? - When what? - When can we do it? - I'm not sure.
I'll ask the girls when they first did it with their boyfriends.
I hope they're both slags.
That's so sweet! They are actually.
- Can you stop it? - No, I'm making a cigarette army.
You killed Joe! You don't have to be nervous.
I'm an easygoing guy.
Ask me anything.
All right What's your favourite colour? You might as well ask if I like breasts.
- What was your last girlfriend like? - She was a dream.
Like a real angel, you know? She was like the most perfect thing you could imagine.
And her personality! Don't get me started! - I'll try not to.
- What was your last boyfriend like? - Short.
- Oh.
- Why did you split up with this angel? - I was shaggin' her sister.
- When did you lose your virginity? - When I was 12.
- With a real woman.
- All right, 17.
But the doll was realistic.
It had a face like Well, that's pleasant.
You can stop it.
- So, what's your family like? - Well, there's me sisters, Tasha and Julie.
They're the best.
They was always spoilin' me when I was little.
- I love 'em.
- When can I meet 'em? Christ! Never! They'd hate you.
- Why? - They hate all me girlfriends.
They're really protective, 'cause I'm so sensitive.
I'm like a candle in the wind.
- There y'are.
Look.
- What? - We're having a conversation.
- That wasn't a conversation.
I just told you a couple of things, and you Oh, yeah! We don't need Janet's dinner party.
We can do fine on our own.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
- Wa-hey.
- Cowabunga.
Hubba Bubba.
What's your favourite colour? You said "Hubba Bubba" to him? - Yeah, I did.
- There's only one thing for it.
He'll have to get himself a conversation prostitute.
- What? - It's the opposite of a normal prostitute.
He pays her to moan, nag and pick fault with him, then he pays you a fiver to have sex with him.
- Gary doesn't pay me for sex, Mum.
- Have I taught you nothing? Hold out for long enough, you can make a fortune.
- Conversational prostitutes don't exist.
- Mm-hmm.
Exactly, so don't tell anybody until I've patented the idea.
- What, you? - Mmm.
Floella Henshaw, the thinking man's strumpet.
- Shouldn't that be "crumpet"? - It's like crumpet only less crusty.
Although I wouldn't mind being coated in butter.
- Hiya.
- Hiya.
- What we havin' for dinner tomorrow? - A chicken.
- Just a chicken? - No, a super chicken.
It has a cape.
Do you want me to have a bath as we're celebrating? Are you planning something special? - No, just celebrating that money I won.
- Oh, right.
The money.
Yeah The money.
- Are you excited? - Constantly.
No.
I mean being with me on our first proper date.
Alone.
We won't be alone, though.
Oh, by the way, before we get there, I just want you to know, I won't be checking out anybody else's wobbly bits.
- Oh, you're so polite.
- I thought I should let you know.
- James? - Yeah? - Do you love me yet? - OK.
Perfect.
Jonny! What do you think you're doin'?! I'm just eatin' me six o'clock sandwich.
I've made you a scrumptious feast.
But I need to keep sustained.
I've something important to do.
- Really? - Yeah, it's to do with that money I won.
Oh, Jonny, that is so romantic! - Why? - You know.
- Do I? - Of course you do, my pretty little bucket of bunny heads.
OK, you lovely vat of pigs' testes.
(KNOCK AT DOOR) - That'll be people! - Unless it's lobsters.
Coming! (POSH VOICE) Louise! Thank you.
Thank you.
Mwah! Mwah! You must be James.
Come, come.
Mwah! Mwah! James, James, James.
I am Janet.
Tonight, I shall be serving you meat.
I'm going to be serving Louise some meat tonight, too.
May I take your hats and cloaks to the boudoir? We're not wearing hats and cloaks.
Louise, I told you to wear cloaks.
It's no good without cloaks.
James, this is Jonny.
He'll be your host this evening.
Hi, Jonny.
Louise is going to have sex with me.
He's a sex monster.
Hi, James, um Good for you.
I'm not lying.
I'm gonna get me some hot loving, as you guys would say.
I can swear I would never say that.
(POSH VOICES) Hello! - James, this is Donna.
- The one with the problem pubes.
- And this is Gaz.
- I'm having sex tonight! Not with me you're not.
No, with me.
It's going to be beautiful and rampant.
- Something smells nice, Janet.
- Oh, that's me.
I had a bath.
- It's a special occasion.
- What's the occasion? Ooh, is it me having some sex? James, I don't think everyone needs to know about that.
Louise, they're blokes.
I'm a bloke.
It's what we talk about.
- Janet, what is the special occasion? - You know, Jonny.
- Your announcement.
- Oh, yeah, yeah.
- Is about the money? - Certainly is.
- Are you going to invest in my new business? - Gaz, nobody wants pork-flavoured ice.
Americans would.
They buy anything.
Oh, this is going swimmingly.
Shall we go through? (POSH VOICE) Have you finished? May I take that plate? I would never say no to a woman with children.
There must be loads of give.
Look, could we talk about something else.
This is Janet's first dinner party.
It's my first time, too.
What are we supposed to do? - In't it that thing we did in the pub? - Fitting ten beer mats in our mouths? No, that, um that conversation.
- Well, go on, then.
- Donna's favourite colour's blue.
- So is Gaz's.
- You two have so much in common.
- Why don't we play a game? - Good idea.
OK, everyone's doing this one in the student rec.
You take your first pet's name and your mother's maiden name, and it gives you your '70s porn star name.
Jon Suchet.
- You named your first pet after yourself? - Yeah, Jon.
Jon the fish.
- That's not a very good game.
- What game are you playing? That one where you make your porn star name.
- Oh, I don't like that game.
- Only 'cause yours is Fluffy Muff.
- Let's play something else.
- Can I have more wine? - Yes.
- Hey, I know.
- Why don't we play spin the bottle? - James! I've promised myself to you.
Are you going start sniffing around my friends? Yes.
We could play truth or dare.
Well, I'd have to say Manchester City.
All right.
My turn.
James? - Hmm? - Truth or dare? - Truth.
- OK.
When did you last have sex? I don't know about the sex.
Where's my glass? Did he just say "I don't know about the sex"? - I think he did, you know.
- James? - Are you still a virgin? - Louise promised me some sex.
Where's the sex?! - So, he's a sex monster, is he, Louise? - Well, he said he was.
Oh, God! He's never done it.
That's nothing to be ashamed of.
I'd have to show him everything - which buttons to press.
You've got buttons to press? You'd be well easily satisfied.
I'd type in my phone number, and you'd be spent.
- What am I gonna do? - Relax.
He'll do whatever you want.
- It's a golden opportunity.
- And he won't wear a balaclava.
- I thought you liked that.
- Of course I do.
Anyway, Jonny, isn't it time you made your announcement? I'll get the Lambrini.
- James, get off the floor.
- Is it my turn? James, lick my feet.
(GIGGLES) James, bark like a dog.
(WOOFS AND PANTS) I like virgins.
My turn.
Jonny, truth or dare? - Truth? - OK.
When are you gonna propose to Janet so me and her can go back to my place and enjoy me? - Don't do it, Jon! - Why would you think I'm gonna propose? - Janet thought you were.
- Why would I do that?! Thank the Lord Jesus Christ and his seven dwarves! Do you, Jonny, take this dinner-party obsessed freak? Do you, Janet, take this unemployed? - You just wouldn't do it? - It's what parents do.
Parents and perverts.
- Why would you get married? - Maybe because you love someone? That's just stupid.
You hate the idea of marriage, as well? I hate the idea of them getting married.
Imagine the kids.
Imagine his face on her tits.
I often do.
Janet's upset! If you're like this at a dinner party, imagine what you'll be like at our wedding or at little Fantiki's wedding! Who in a buggery fart is Fantiki?! Duh! Our first-born! Is all women care about getting married and having babies? - (GIRLS) Uuuhhh! - Right.
I'm getting out of here.
Get a conversational prostitute.
I don't wanna talk to you any more! - Sorry about your party.
- That's all right.
Next time, I'll invite quality people like your mum and Jordan.
A conversational prostitute? Does that mean she's good at oral? Gaz, you've wrecked this.
I try and talk to you like an adult, you just act immature.
(MOCKING) You're just immature Have it! - Where's James gone? - A little to the left, James.
(SQUEALS) Ooh! I like you! Louise, get out! Everybody just get out! (SOBS) Well, I think that went very well.
- Hello, psycho bird.
- Hello, slag heap.
- What you doin' here? - What YOU doin' here? I just come here to think.
Yeah, me, too.
What about? Well, naked ladies, but you're here now, so I suppose I'll have to think about us.
You don't have to.
Just because we've got different views on marriage, doesn't mean we can't trundle along happily.
I'm not against marriage.
I'm just scared.
It reminds me of getting old.
It was better when we were 13, and everyone just got pregnant.
Just marriage is a bit - How do you think Jonny spent the money? - Could've bought an Internet baby.
- Or a farm.
- Can't buy a farm with a grand.
An ant farm.
Strange we ended up in the same place.
- Well, it's a special place.
- How's that? - It was the first place we ate cod together.
- That's a nice euphemism.
What? I don't mean the chippie tea we had I'm talking about the first time we ate cod together.
Oh! Oh! Right.
Right.
You in the mood for a bit of fish supper, then? - Come on! - What's so important? Just hurry up.
I've got a surprise.
- Is it ring-shaped? - No.
Come on.
- Where is he? - I don't know.
What do you think it'll be? I bet it's loads of jelly.
Shut up! - It'll be a new car.
- He can't drive.
I can't either.
Maybe he's bought me lessons.
- He's only just met you.
- Yeah, but we connected.
There's real electricity there.
Maybe he's going to write a message in the sky - "Janet, will you marry me?" - What's everyone looking at? - Just waiting for Jonny - Where's our surprise, Jonny? - It's this way.
I'll show you.
Come on.
There you go.
Come on! Let's play a game of cavalry! - Isn't that Bungle? - Yeah.
I hired him with me winnings.
- He comes with a free bouncy castle.
- It's pure genius.
What are we gonna do with a man dressed in a bear costume? - To be honest, I haven't thought that far.
- Come and play, Jonny.
Let's bounce him up and down till he throws up! (ALL SHOUT) (BUNGLE) Bounce me, Jonny! Bounce me! I haven't been bounced like this before! Ooh! Faster, Gaz! Faster! (MAN) I can't stop thinking about that night under the stars in Tenby, Janet.
The thought of you keeps my heart warm every night.
All my love, Andy.
You don't think Janet might want to revisit this Andy? Oh, Jonny.
He wants me to find him raw and sexy.
- What do you feel? - Well, he's pale and clammy.
- You saw Andy? - I just bumped into him.
It's nothin'.