Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps (2001) s03e01 Episode Script
Munch
# Hey, Mr Bartender, give me a drink # I want a cold, wet glass with bubbles in it # And that doesn't mean I can't handle anything stronger, now #Just think I'll wait a while # I have a pint of lager, please! # And a pack of flakeys # Where did you get this? Uh I found it lying around.
- Where? - In a jewellery box at Andy's house.
Andy? What were you doing at his house? Stealing an engagement ring, obviously.
Stealing? Jonny, you'll get in trouble.
Andy's sensitive about the law.
He won't even steal from his parents.
- I can't take it back.
- He'll forgive you.
What if he calls the police? Do you know what they do to people like me in prison? They re-educate them.
OK, OK.
We'll just have to post it, then, anonymously.
- Good idea.
- You can buy another ring.
What?! I'm skint.
Have you seen my wardrobe? - I'm not getting engaged without a ring.
- I've not got a job.
Well, get one.
I'm not marrying someone without a ring.
Married? I just thought we could get engaged.
You know, like you do at school.
In fact, I'll just give you a big love bite instead.
It worked in year nine.
No.
You're giving this back, getting a job and buying me a proper ring from Argos.
- Where's me ring? - Andy? I know you've got it, Jonny.
She's got it.
No, I haven't.
(MUSIC ON RADIO) Wait.
What are you doing? We were christening the van.
- Maybe later.
- Oh, no, no.
Listen.
'Cause we've done it in the pub, in the doctor's, in your sleep - Gaz! - This was nearly last on my card.
- What card? - This card.
Well, I feel suitably violated.
Thank you.
We still have to have sex here at work, somewhere foreign and somewhere purple.
We did it on that kebab.
That was foreign.
Nice one! Yes.
What's your problem? What's wrong with me van? - What's wrong? - Yeah.
- Well, Gaz - What? It's him.
Give me my ring back.
I was painting it for Mother's Day, for dear Mama.
"Dear Mama"? You went out with him? He talks like a Hallmark card.
I think he's sensitive.
What did your mum get for Mother's Day? A black eye but God knows the bitch was asking for it.
Andy would never hit his mother.
That's why our love is fatter and bouncier than yours.
Jonny doesn't hit women.
Watch.
- Oh, dear Mama! - See? Look, Janet, can I just have my ring back? Seeing you again is painful enough.
I know.
She's a sight, isn't she? No.
I just I think I need some me-time.
Oh, Andy.
You're so beautifully self-obsessed.
Andy, just take it.
You should go now.
- We've got a lot to talk about.
- Yeah, Andy.
I'm going to marry her.
You what?! Jesus! Thank God.
I thought I was going to catch the gay.
Jonny, you're forgetting you've proposed.
I want a ring.
- How will he get a ring without a job? - You see? She understands me.
Unless he gets one out of a Kinder egg.
She understands me much too well.
Thanks for ruining that one, Louise.
Why did you bring Andy here? - I love him.
- You've only known him a couple of days.
But he's perfect.
He's got a Lexus.
- And a big willy.
- Janet! I'm petite.
You're scaring me.
- Hiya! - He's said that four times.
Who is he? - Hiya! - Do you need help? He's a pervert.
He was watching us.
I weren't watching.
I was listening with my eyes.
- Do I know you? - Yeah.
I'm Munch.
I work here.
- No, you don't.
- I do.
- No, you don't.
- I do.
I've never even seen you! Hiya! - Stop doing that.
- I brought me CV, like Mr Wilkinson said.
Oh! Me dad.
He gave you a job? Yes.
I think he loves me, sir.
Just call me Gaz.
Let's have a look.
- "I'm special.
" - I'm special.
- What's that supposed to mean? - Exactly what it says on the tin.
Where do I start? Does she need any fine-tuning? Oh, my God.
His eyes.
His eyes! So my dad gave you a job? Yes.
With us being family and all.
Wait.
Wh-What do you mean, family? Yeah.
We're relatives, like.
Fine gene pool you've got there.
It is special.
- I'm not related to you! - Didn't Mr Wilkinson tell you? We're brothers.
Why, yes, Mr Redfern, it is solid gold and solid diamondique.
Yes, I'm sure you're sorry you failed me in chemistry, you big hairy wanker fa-fa-far! Thank you for coming.
Lovely to see you.
And who is this? Why, Anthony Heller.
You dumped me in year nine for Sarah Christian.
Who's this big ugly slag you're with? Why, it's Sarah.
- Chew on my diamondique, bitch! - Janet? Oh, is that the ring that Jonny bought you? Oh, it's so tacky.
It's so you.
I made this with foil.
I think it's got old fish in it.
Urgh! Jonny still not got a job yet? No.
It's none of your business, anyway.
Oh, touchy, are we? A bit ashamed maybe that your boyfriend's a big sucky sponge? (SLURPS) - That's what Jonny does with our taxes.
- I'm not ashamed.
- You don't pay taxes.
- I'm graduating in six months.
I will then.
And every time I look at Jonny, I'll be going (SLURPS) Look, Janet.
I don't mean to be funny, but I couldn't stand going out with someone who couldn't improve the way we live.
Jonny, can improve things.
He found some sprouts in a gutter once.
He brought me one that looked like Stephen Gately.
A sprout? When Andy buys me dinner, I'm ordering foie gras.
Andy won't mind because he's rich, rich, rich.
What's fra grar? You know, that thing with the stuff and the Rich, rich, rich! So Andy's rich.
It doesn't make him better than Jonny.
Hmm Let's see.
Can Jonny speak any other languages? Of course.
His favourite word is extra mozzarella.
It's Italian, see.
Mmm, right.
And does Jonny have a big car? No, but that Lexus is just a penis extension, and Jonny does have one of those.
Can he buy expensive meals with champagne and candlelight? He set fire to a Smirnoff Ice once.
A Molotov for the ladies, he called it.
I do pity you, Janet.
Imagine if you'd stayed with Andy.
It could be you going out for lunch now, instead of what are you having for dinner? - The Gately sprout.
- Oh, dear.
- Louise, look, just get out.
- Oh! But I wanted to gloat! Task finished.
Go and have your bloody dinner.
Lunch.
You call it "lunch" at midday.
If you're upper class, anyway.
- So, when's dinner? - At night.
- That's tea.
- No.
Tea's in the afternoon.
- You're confusing me.
Leave.
- Ooh, jealousy doesn't suit you.
I'll be thinking of you and your Gately sprout.
- Great.
Bye.
- Ciao.
Ooh, God! I love saying that word.
Get out! Oh, hello, my little treasure.
You shouldn't drink that at this time.
You're right.
We're past the yardarm.
- Let's hit the Amaretto.
- Mum! A woman can get lonely.
You'll find that out one day.
I've only just moved out.
And I bought you that vibro-bear.
He's no company, even on the "grizzly" setting.
- Now, do you need feeding? - No.
There's a fish stick with your name on it.
No.
Gaz is having family problems.
Ooh, gossip.
I am all ears.
It's not gossip, Mum.
He's really upset.
This lad called Munch turns up, right Munch? Why's he called Munch? If it's for a good reason, send him round.
Mum.
Listen.
This lad turns up at the garage claiming to be Gaz's long-lost half-brother.
- If he looks like Gaz, still send him round.
- Can you imagine how he's feeling? It must be dead upsetting finding out you've got relatives you never even knew about.
Mum, what's the matter? Nothing.
Your father's a good man.
- I never said he wasn't.
- He's just away a lot.
- What are you talking about? - Nothing.
But if you meet a young girl with curly hair called Siu Yin, pay no attention.
We live in the 21st century.
Families are like that.
- What? What are families like now? - You know.
Bits of kids hanging off everywhere.
A Donna here, a Truong Lee there.
- What? - Men stuck it in anywhere in the '70s.
Why do you think leg-warmers were so popular? We had to catch the drips.
- Where are you going? - I said I'd nip into Janet's.
All right, love.
I'll see you later.
Hey, kiss your mother before you go.
- Jesus! You smell like a brewery.
- Lorry drivers seem to like it.
(MELANCHOLY MUSIC) (MEOWS) (INDISTINCT) (MELANCHOLY MUSIC CONTINUES) Oh, God! I'm so confused, Donna.
- First, I was happy.
- What about? - But the money - What money? - Now I just feel uncertain about it all.
- Janet.
What's the matter? - It's Jonny.
- You're not still rowing, are you? - No, it's worse than that.
- Worse? How? He's asked me to marry him.
You're getting married? But that's brilliant news! If I was more of a girl, I'd do this Come here.
(SHRIEKS EXCITEDLY) Well, that's helpful.
Did you have to go to, like, barmaid school? 'Cause I was no good at school.
A job like this would just bust my brain.
There's so much to think about.
Peanuts, lager, customers other types of peanuts Pint, please, Norma.
The maddest thing's happened.
- What? - It's weird, but I've got a half-brother.
- Me dad gave him a job.
- What?! - I know.
- There was a job at the garage? That's beside the point.
I've just found out I've got this little brother.
God, yeah.
That is What did you do? I had it out with me dad.
He said it happened ages ago with this other woman.
- Aren't you angry? - Well, yeah.
He cheated on my mum, on me, on the whole family.
That's fine.
It's just This lad, you should see him.
He's a complete yoghurt.
It's a bit major, an illegitimate son.
Not really.
At school, I was illegitimate for a bit.
No, Gaz.
You were illiterate at school.
Even so, I don't mind much.
It's not like I've not caught me mum with other people.
- Honest to God? - Yeah.
I walked in the bedroom once and there was this bloke in women's underwear and gimp mask with a feather up his arse.
I tell you now, that weren't me dad.
- How do you know if he was wearing? - It wasn't me dad, all right? It's embarrassing, you know, having this, like, complete monkey-spunker related to me.
- Yeah, I suppose.
- I mean, if you were me, the slippery dolphin of Sextown, wouldn't you be ashamed? I can only dream of being the watery winkle of Whelktown.
At least you get it.
- So, what you gonna do? - I'm going to tell my dad.
I'm not working with someone who can't use Velcro.
- Good for you.
- And who calls his penis Mr Diddly Pee.
Gaz, you call your penis Mr Nudge.
Then we can look for work together.
How come you want a job, anyway? Well, I asked Janet to marry me yesterday, and she said Gaz? You OK? Look, deep breaths, Gaz.
Come on.
Come on.
Sorry.
Yeah, that's great news.
Gaz, we're not getting married straightaway.
- Really? - No.
There's stuff to sort out first.
Stuff.
You mean girl stuff - dresses, flowers and scary children with baskets of petals and eyes of Satan? No.
No, no, no.
Not yet.
- Not that stuff, no.
- Well, what, then? Well, Janet won't get engaged till I've got a job.
- She won't? - No.
Congratulations, lad! Norma, crack open the Tia Maria.
You're sure she won't marry you? Definitely not.
Unless I can grow a beard.
All women love a beard.
Except Anne Robinson.
She hates hers.
I'd love someone to propose to me.
- Anyone? - Yeah.
As long as they didn't smack me about or were just, like, pointlessly hairy, then, yeah.
What about Jonny? If you were me, I mean.
- Do you love him? - Of course I do.
- Then, yeah.
- But Jonny's not got a job.
He's got his dole and his disability.
That'll stop when that thing falls out of his armpit.
- Is that still there? - Mmm.
It started to shrink, but Jonny stuck a dirty compass in it until it wept.
Is money really important now? You've got the rest of your lives.
I know but what about my ring? I want my ring.
Janet.
A ring isn't what's important.
Money isn't important.
If you love each other, you can make it work.
You are so full of bollocks today.
- That was amazing.
- I'm stuffed.
And rich.
Stuffed and rich.
(GIGGLES) - I don't talk about money.
- Neither does the queen.
- You must be bucketed.
- I don't want to discuss it.
Shh! "Am being spoilt.
Am nearly trophy wife.
"Just need Sun-In.
" Send.
Destination? Louise! (GIGGLES) (BEEPS) Ah, the bill.
Yes, the bill.
Well See you.
Andy! Andy! Andy! Oh, hi, Louise.
- That cost 150 quid! - Yeah, thanks.
It were great, that.
- I'm nearly £8,000 in debt.
- Shh! I don't talk money, remember? Oh, my God! Look at him.
She's a beauty, sir.
You're a lucky man.
- You like a date with me, sweetheart? - Mmm.
Let me think.
Would she like to go on a date with you? No, because you're a filthy old tramp.
- Andy! - No offence.
No offence.
Only my cheque hasn't come through.
I'm a bit short this week.
- You know how it is, mate.
- Andrew, just have some generosity and give the smelly man some money.
Louise, I'll deal with this.
Andy! (SOBS) Oh, God.
I would help you, but you're practically made of scabs.
Ow! Why does that keep happening? - Hiya, sir.
- Where's me dad? He's in the office.
I'm in charge of Sandy Spanner, Rodney Wrench and Clive.
- Who's Clive? - He's a can of WD-40.
- What are you doing with this? - I'm fixing it.
Watch this.
- You can't fix this.
It's a scrapper.
- (ENGINE STARTS) - How've you done that? - Munch magic! - No, really? - Oh, easy.
It was the dizzy cap.
Letting in the wet when it comes from the sky.
- You mean rain? - Yeah, that's the stuff.
- Yeah, but that's - Munch magic.
Told you.
I've been fixing cars since I was as big as this, since August.
- Want to share my baggie? - No.
- Why, what you got? - Chipsticks and brown sauce.
Well, they are my favourite.
Go on, then.
- 'Ere y'are.
- Cheers.
Oh, my God! These are amazing! I use old bread.
- How long did Dad say he'd be? - Don't know.
- Do you wanna watch some telly? - We haven't got a telly.
- How've you afforded that? - Stole it.
Munch magic.
- What films have you got? - Erm, I've got "Bonk Till You Cronk" or "The Legend Of Damp Girls".
Shall I give Dad a knock, then? No.
Let's wait for a bit, eh? Welcome to the family, lad! - So have you decided what to do? - It's weird.
Everything was OK until he asked me.
Then it went tits up.
Just like Mills & Boon.
You can happily go out with someone forever, but if you're asked to spend forever with them and never shag anyone else again, it gets difficult.
Dame Barbara couldn't have put it better herself.
- Janet! Janet! I'm so sorry.
- Are you OK? - What's happened? - I was so wrong about Andy.
He's not rich.
He has lots of money, big car, designer clothes Shall we send him a food parcel? No.
It's not like that.
He made me pay for a three-course meal.
And coffee.
I mean, frappuccino! Really? My favourite's is mocha-bocha-chiquitito-decaf.
We saw a homeless guy.
You know what he did? - What? - He ran over his foot.
I had to leave at that point.
- You didn't help him? - I could have caught tramps' disease.
Ah, yes.
Hobo-berculosis.
I was just so wrong.
He's only rich because he doesn't buy anything.
- Yeah, I know.
- That's why we're so skint, Louise.
We've got huge credit card bills and catalogue payments.
I shouldn't have splashed out on that robotic udder but it brings me so much joy.
Janet, I'm so sorry.
- Why? - I went everywhere trying to get a job, but no one would have me, not even the animal rendering plant.
They said I smelt too bad.
- Oh, that's a shame.
- It gets worse.
- We can't have a McDonald's tonight either.
- But it's McDonald's Monday.
It's tradition.
- What about the fiver your nan gives you? - I was walking past that new restaurant, and there's this scruffy guy clutching his foot, all painfulised.
- I had to get him a taxi to hospital.
- Oh, Jonny.
You're so sweet.
Then he spat at me and hobbled into the off-licence.
- So I wasted it.
Sorry.
- You did the right thing.
We'll have to put the engagement on hold forever.
No, Jonny.
Here.
Jonny.
I'd really love you to marry me.
Janet! Of course I will, but I'm not comfortable having my finger in this greasy ring.
What? - What are you saying? - I don't want a smoking wife.
I don't want to be saying "I do" with you coughing phlegm at me.
OK, I'll quit.
Tomorrow.
I am your prince and I will awaken you with my mighty sword.
I've got news of paramount importance.
My life is in danger.
You're scared of sheep? - They can't harm you.
- That's what they want you to think.
- Where? - In a jewellery box at Andy's house.
Andy? What were you doing at his house? Stealing an engagement ring, obviously.
Stealing? Jonny, you'll get in trouble.
Andy's sensitive about the law.
He won't even steal from his parents.
- I can't take it back.
- He'll forgive you.
What if he calls the police? Do you know what they do to people like me in prison? They re-educate them.
OK, OK.
We'll just have to post it, then, anonymously.
- Good idea.
- You can buy another ring.
What?! I'm skint.
Have you seen my wardrobe? - I'm not getting engaged without a ring.
- I've not got a job.
Well, get one.
I'm not marrying someone without a ring.
Married? I just thought we could get engaged.
You know, like you do at school.
In fact, I'll just give you a big love bite instead.
It worked in year nine.
No.
You're giving this back, getting a job and buying me a proper ring from Argos.
- Where's me ring? - Andy? I know you've got it, Jonny.
She's got it.
No, I haven't.
(MUSIC ON RADIO) Wait.
What are you doing? We were christening the van.
- Maybe later.
- Oh, no, no.
Listen.
'Cause we've done it in the pub, in the doctor's, in your sleep - Gaz! - This was nearly last on my card.
- What card? - This card.
Well, I feel suitably violated.
Thank you.
We still have to have sex here at work, somewhere foreign and somewhere purple.
We did it on that kebab.
That was foreign.
Nice one! Yes.
What's your problem? What's wrong with me van? - What's wrong? - Yeah.
- Well, Gaz - What? It's him.
Give me my ring back.
I was painting it for Mother's Day, for dear Mama.
"Dear Mama"? You went out with him? He talks like a Hallmark card.
I think he's sensitive.
What did your mum get for Mother's Day? A black eye but God knows the bitch was asking for it.
Andy would never hit his mother.
That's why our love is fatter and bouncier than yours.
Jonny doesn't hit women.
Watch.
- Oh, dear Mama! - See? Look, Janet, can I just have my ring back? Seeing you again is painful enough.
I know.
She's a sight, isn't she? No.
I just I think I need some me-time.
Oh, Andy.
You're so beautifully self-obsessed.
Andy, just take it.
You should go now.
- We've got a lot to talk about.
- Yeah, Andy.
I'm going to marry her.
You what?! Jesus! Thank God.
I thought I was going to catch the gay.
Jonny, you're forgetting you've proposed.
I want a ring.
- How will he get a ring without a job? - You see? She understands me.
Unless he gets one out of a Kinder egg.
She understands me much too well.
Thanks for ruining that one, Louise.
Why did you bring Andy here? - I love him.
- You've only known him a couple of days.
But he's perfect.
He's got a Lexus.
- And a big willy.
- Janet! I'm petite.
You're scaring me.
- Hiya! - He's said that four times.
Who is he? - Hiya! - Do you need help? He's a pervert.
He was watching us.
I weren't watching.
I was listening with my eyes.
- Do I know you? - Yeah.
I'm Munch.
I work here.
- No, you don't.
- I do.
- No, you don't.
- I do.
I've never even seen you! Hiya! - Stop doing that.
- I brought me CV, like Mr Wilkinson said.
Oh! Me dad.
He gave you a job? Yes.
I think he loves me, sir.
Just call me Gaz.
Let's have a look.
- "I'm special.
" - I'm special.
- What's that supposed to mean? - Exactly what it says on the tin.
Where do I start? Does she need any fine-tuning? Oh, my God.
His eyes.
His eyes! So my dad gave you a job? Yes.
With us being family and all.
Wait.
Wh-What do you mean, family? Yeah.
We're relatives, like.
Fine gene pool you've got there.
It is special.
- I'm not related to you! - Didn't Mr Wilkinson tell you? We're brothers.
Why, yes, Mr Redfern, it is solid gold and solid diamondique.
Yes, I'm sure you're sorry you failed me in chemistry, you big hairy wanker fa-fa-far! Thank you for coming.
Lovely to see you.
And who is this? Why, Anthony Heller.
You dumped me in year nine for Sarah Christian.
Who's this big ugly slag you're with? Why, it's Sarah.
- Chew on my diamondique, bitch! - Janet? Oh, is that the ring that Jonny bought you? Oh, it's so tacky.
It's so you.
I made this with foil.
I think it's got old fish in it.
Urgh! Jonny still not got a job yet? No.
It's none of your business, anyway.
Oh, touchy, are we? A bit ashamed maybe that your boyfriend's a big sucky sponge? (SLURPS) - That's what Jonny does with our taxes.
- I'm not ashamed.
- You don't pay taxes.
- I'm graduating in six months.
I will then.
And every time I look at Jonny, I'll be going (SLURPS) Look, Janet.
I don't mean to be funny, but I couldn't stand going out with someone who couldn't improve the way we live.
Jonny, can improve things.
He found some sprouts in a gutter once.
He brought me one that looked like Stephen Gately.
A sprout? When Andy buys me dinner, I'm ordering foie gras.
Andy won't mind because he's rich, rich, rich.
What's fra grar? You know, that thing with the stuff and the Rich, rich, rich! So Andy's rich.
It doesn't make him better than Jonny.
Hmm Let's see.
Can Jonny speak any other languages? Of course.
His favourite word is extra mozzarella.
It's Italian, see.
Mmm, right.
And does Jonny have a big car? No, but that Lexus is just a penis extension, and Jonny does have one of those.
Can he buy expensive meals with champagne and candlelight? He set fire to a Smirnoff Ice once.
A Molotov for the ladies, he called it.
I do pity you, Janet.
Imagine if you'd stayed with Andy.
It could be you going out for lunch now, instead of what are you having for dinner? - The Gately sprout.
- Oh, dear.
- Louise, look, just get out.
- Oh! But I wanted to gloat! Task finished.
Go and have your bloody dinner.
Lunch.
You call it "lunch" at midday.
If you're upper class, anyway.
- So, when's dinner? - At night.
- That's tea.
- No.
Tea's in the afternoon.
- You're confusing me.
Leave.
- Ooh, jealousy doesn't suit you.
I'll be thinking of you and your Gately sprout.
- Great.
Bye.
- Ciao.
Ooh, God! I love saying that word.
Get out! Oh, hello, my little treasure.
You shouldn't drink that at this time.
You're right.
We're past the yardarm.
- Let's hit the Amaretto.
- Mum! A woman can get lonely.
You'll find that out one day.
I've only just moved out.
And I bought you that vibro-bear.
He's no company, even on the "grizzly" setting.
- Now, do you need feeding? - No.
There's a fish stick with your name on it.
No.
Gaz is having family problems.
Ooh, gossip.
I am all ears.
It's not gossip, Mum.
He's really upset.
This lad called Munch turns up, right Munch? Why's he called Munch? If it's for a good reason, send him round.
Mum.
Listen.
This lad turns up at the garage claiming to be Gaz's long-lost half-brother.
- If he looks like Gaz, still send him round.
- Can you imagine how he's feeling? It must be dead upsetting finding out you've got relatives you never even knew about.
Mum, what's the matter? Nothing.
Your father's a good man.
- I never said he wasn't.
- He's just away a lot.
- What are you talking about? - Nothing.
But if you meet a young girl with curly hair called Siu Yin, pay no attention.
We live in the 21st century.
Families are like that.
- What? What are families like now? - You know.
Bits of kids hanging off everywhere.
A Donna here, a Truong Lee there.
- What? - Men stuck it in anywhere in the '70s.
Why do you think leg-warmers were so popular? We had to catch the drips.
- Where are you going? - I said I'd nip into Janet's.
All right, love.
I'll see you later.
Hey, kiss your mother before you go.
- Jesus! You smell like a brewery.
- Lorry drivers seem to like it.
(MELANCHOLY MUSIC) (MEOWS) (INDISTINCT) (MELANCHOLY MUSIC CONTINUES) Oh, God! I'm so confused, Donna.
- First, I was happy.
- What about? - But the money - What money? - Now I just feel uncertain about it all.
- Janet.
What's the matter? - It's Jonny.
- You're not still rowing, are you? - No, it's worse than that.
- Worse? How? He's asked me to marry him.
You're getting married? But that's brilliant news! If I was more of a girl, I'd do this Come here.
(SHRIEKS EXCITEDLY) Well, that's helpful.
Did you have to go to, like, barmaid school? 'Cause I was no good at school.
A job like this would just bust my brain.
There's so much to think about.
Peanuts, lager, customers other types of peanuts Pint, please, Norma.
The maddest thing's happened.
- What? - It's weird, but I've got a half-brother.
- Me dad gave him a job.
- What?! - I know.
- There was a job at the garage? That's beside the point.
I've just found out I've got this little brother.
God, yeah.
That is What did you do? I had it out with me dad.
He said it happened ages ago with this other woman.
- Aren't you angry? - Well, yeah.
He cheated on my mum, on me, on the whole family.
That's fine.
It's just This lad, you should see him.
He's a complete yoghurt.
It's a bit major, an illegitimate son.
Not really.
At school, I was illegitimate for a bit.
No, Gaz.
You were illiterate at school.
Even so, I don't mind much.
It's not like I've not caught me mum with other people.
- Honest to God? - Yeah.
I walked in the bedroom once and there was this bloke in women's underwear and gimp mask with a feather up his arse.
I tell you now, that weren't me dad.
- How do you know if he was wearing? - It wasn't me dad, all right? It's embarrassing, you know, having this, like, complete monkey-spunker related to me.
- Yeah, I suppose.
- I mean, if you were me, the slippery dolphin of Sextown, wouldn't you be ashamed? I can only dream of being the watery winkle of Whelktown.
At least you get it.
- So, what you gonna do? - I'm going to tell my dad.
I'm not working with someone who can't use Velcro.
- Good for you.
- And who calls his penis Mr Diddly Pee.
Gaz, you call your penis Mr Nudge.
Then we can look for work together.
How come you want a job, anyway? Well, I asked Janet to marry me yesterday, and she said Gaz? You OK? Look, deep breaths, Gaz.
Come on.
Come on.
Sorry.
Yeah, that's great news.
Gaz, we're not getting married straightaway.
- Really? - No.
There's stuff to sort out first.
Stuff.
You mean girl stuff - dresses, flowers and scary children with baskets of petals and eyes of Satan? No.
No, no, no.
Not yet.
- Not that stuff, no.
- Well, what, then? Well, Janet won't get engaged till I've got a job.
- She won't? - No.
Congratulations, lad! Norma, crack open the Tia Maria.
You're sure she won't marry you? Definitely not.
Unless I can grow a beard.
All women love a beard.
Except Anne Robinson.
She hates hers.
I'd love someone to propose to me.
- Anyone? - Yeah.
As long as they didn't smack me about or were just, like, pointlessly hairy, then, yeah.
What about Jonny? If you were me, I mean.
- Do you love him? - Of course I do.
- Then, yeah.
- But Jonny's not got a job.
He's got his dole and his disability.
That'll stop when that thing falls out of his armpit.
- Is that still there? - Mmm.
It started to shrink, but Jonny stuck a dirty compass in it until it wept.
Is money really important now? You've got the rest of your lives.
I know but what about my ring? I want my ring.
Janet.
A ring isn't what's important.
Money isn't important.
If you love each other, you can make it work.
You are so full of bollocks today.
- That was amazing.
- I'm stuffed.
And rich.
Stuffed and rich.
(GIGGLES) - I don't talk about money.
- Neither does the queen.
- You must be bucketed.
- I don't want to discuss it.
Shh! "Am being spoilt.
Am nearly trophy wife.
"Just need Sun-In.
" Send.
Destination? Louise! (GIGGLES) (BEEPS) Ah, the bill.
Yes, the bill.
Well See you.
Andy! Andy! Andy! Oh, hi, Louise.
- That cost 150 quid! - Yeah, thanks.
It were great, that.
- I'm nearly £8,000 in debt.
- Shh! I don't talk money, remember? Oh, my God! Look at him.
She's a beauty, sir.
You're a lucky man.
- You like a date with me, sweetheart? - Mmm.
Let me think.
Would she like to go on a date with you? No, because you're a filthy old tramp.
- Andy! - No offence.
No offence.
Only my cheque hasn't come through.
I'm a bit short this week.
- You know how it is, mate.
- Andrew, just have some generosity and give the smelly man some money.
Louise, I'll deal with this.
Andy! (SOBS) Oh, God.
I would help you, but you're practically made of scabs.
Ow! Why does that keep happening? - Hiya, sir.
- Where's me dad? He's in the office.
I'm in charge of Sandy Spanner, Rodney Wrench and Clive.
- Who's Clive? - He's a can of WD-40.
- What are you doing with this? - I'm fixing it.
Watch this.
- You can't fix this.
It's a scrapper.
- (ENGINE STARTS) - How've you done that? - Munch magic! - No, really? - Oh, easy.
It was the dizzy cap.
Letting in the wet when it comes from the sky.
- You mean rain? - Yeah, that's the stuff.
- Yeah, but that's - Munch magic.
Told you.
I've been fixing cars since I was as big as this, since August.
- Want to share my baggie? - No.
- Why, what you got? - Chipsticks and brown sauce.
Well, they are my favourite.
Go on, then.
- 'Ere y'are.
- Cheers.
Oh, my God! These are amazing! I use old bread.
- How long did Dad say he'd be? - Don't know.
- Do you wanna watch some telly? - We haven't got a telly.
- How've you afforded that? - Stole it.
Munch magic.
- What films have you got? - Erm, I've got "Bonk Till You Cronk" or "The Legend Of Damp Girls".
Shall I give Dad a knock, then? No.
Let's wait for a bit, eh? Welcome to the family, lad! - So have you decided what to do? - It's weird.
Everything was OK until he asked me.
Then it went tits up.
Just like Mills & Boon.
You can happily go out with someone forever, but if you're asked to spend forever with them and never shag anyone else again, it gets difficult.
Dame Barbara couldn't have put it better herself.
- Janet! Janet! I'm so sorry.
- Are you OK? - What's happened? - I was so wrong about Andy.
He's not rich.
He has lots of money, big car, designer clothes Shall we send him a food parcel? No.
It's not like that.
He made me pay for a three-course meal.
And coffee.
I mean, frappuccino! Really? My favourite's is mocha-bocha-chiquitito-decaf.
We saw a homeless guy.
You know what he did? - What? - He ran over his foot.
I had to leave at that point.
- You didn't help him? - I could have caught tramps' disease.
Ah, yes.
Hobo-berculosis.
I was just so wrong.
He's only rich because he doesn't buy anything.
- Yeah, I know.
- That's why we're so skint, Louise.
We've got huge credit card bills and catalogue payments.
I shouldn't have splashed out on that robotic udder but it brings me so much joy.
Janet, I'm so sorry.
- Why? - I went everywhere trying to get a job, but no one would have me, not even the animal rendering plant.
They said I smelt too bad.
- Oh, that's a shame.
- It gets worse.
- We can't have a McDonald's tonight either.
- But it's McDonald's Monday.
It's tradition.
- What about the fiver your nan gives you? - I was walking past that new restaurant, and there's this scruffy guy clutching his foot, all painfulised.
- I had to get him a taxi to hospital.
- Oh, Jonny.
You're so sweet.
Then he spat at me and hobbled into the off-licence.
- So I wasted it.
Sorry.
- You did the right thing.
We'll have to put the engagement on hold forever.
No, Jonny.
Here.
Jonny.
I'd really love you to marry me.
Janet! Of course I will, but I'm not comfortable having my finger in this greasy ring.
What? - What are you saying? - I don't want a smoking wife.
I don't want to be saying "I do" with you coughing phlegm at me.
OK, I'll quit.
Tomorrow.
I am your prince and I will awaken you with my mighty sword.
I've got news of paramount importance.
My life is in danger.
You're scared of sheep? - They can't harm you.
- That's what they want you to think.