Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps (2001) s05e01 Episode Script
Dead
Hey, Mr Bartender, give me a drink I want a cold wet glass with bubbles in it And that doesn't mean I can't handle anything stronger, now Just think I'll wait a while I'll have a pint of lager, please And a pack of flakeys Shoes.
Now, which shoes say "dead"? Jesus sandals! (Doorbell) Louise Ohh.
Car'll be here in a minute.
I know.
- Are you OK? - I don't think so.
I'm numb.
Well, you did insist on ribbed ones.
Dunno why it's affected you like it has.
You're just so horny.
- Sorry, Gaz.
- No, I don't mind.
Thought you'd want to spend the day crying rather than sat on me mouth.
Well, grief affects us all differently.
(Car horn) - That's the car.
Are you ready for this? - As I can be.
Shouldn't the driver have knocked? That's disrespectful.
"Beep beep, coming through, body in the back.
" He isn't getting a tip.
Hearses aren't like taxis, Donna.
They only have one drop-off point.
They won't say, " You'll never guess who I had in the back last week.
" What are you looking at me like that for? (Sombre organ music) (Janet) I can't believe Donna's late.
She must be grief-stricken.
(Louise) I think we all are.
Will there be food later? All rise, please.
(Sombre music) Whoo-hoo! Jonny, sit down! Can't do much else when you've been shot through the knee.
You don't arrive hanging off the back of the coffin! Flo had enough men hanging out the back of her not to mind another! We'll begin with a Hail Mary.
Check this out.
That's me.
I'm the local fool.
I'm famous! You got shot.
Of course you'll make the front page.
Last week's headline was "Marmite! Yum!" - Amen.
- (All) Amen.
- I think it's great Jonny got shot.
- Why on earth would you think that? Well, because he's got all this lovely fame.
Free hair products, the best table in the café.
Besides, nobody got seriously hurt, so no one's to blame.
Jonny nearly died.
Of course someone's to blame.
- That's right, no one's to blame.
- (Door opens) - Sorry.
- Sorry.
I can't believe you made me late for my own mother's funeral.
Don't blame me.
You're the one who's been affected so brilliantly by it.
(Priest) at 19, and pursuing her goal to be a full-time mother "Mummy"? She was the least mummyish person I ever met in my life.
I wanted "whore-hound" but the florist wouldn't go for it.
- Amen.
- (All) Amen.
There you go.
" To Ada, a lovely dear, from that idiot boy Jonny.
" Big kiss.
Stop exploiting this funeral for your fame.
You're like Elton John.
Louise is right, this fame's brilliant.
I'm gonna milk this for all I can.
And now Jonny Keogh will do a reading.
I didn't want any readings.
"Police were under fire following the shooting of local fool Jonny Keogh.
" That's me.
Jonny, how could you? (Jonny grunts in pain) Shall we move on to our first hymn? Freak Out by Le Chic.
- (# Freak Out on tape recorder) - It's what she would've wanted.
I've not seen you in 23 years.
Not since they brought you home from the hospital swathed in blankets.
Her husband never knew.
Flo thought it were best.
- Sorry, do I know you? - I wish I could've known you better.
I've not seen yer in 23 years.
Not since Ohh! (Camera clicks) Lovely day for a funeral.
She chose well.
- Ready to go, babe? - I think so.
It's been a tough day.
I might stay for a while.
Make sure everybody's - Oh, God! You, home! - Not again! There's mourners to behold.
- What's going on? - Ever since Flo died Shh! Don't say "died", use a euphemism.
I call it the "truck, splat (blows raspberry) incident".
Well, ever since then, she's been a whirling dervish à deux.
- Donna! - I know! I don't know what's wrong.
I get sad, then all these stirrings start and I've I would've jumped on Father Downey if he'd kept talking about his erection.
Resurrection.
Miss Henshaw Your hands feel so damn good on my skin.
Whoa! Sorry, Vicar.
Gaz, get me out of here.
It was a lovely service, Vicar.
I'd not seen her in 23 years.
Janet! Janet, it happened again.
Jonny! Stop trying to prove the Daleks wrong.
- Louise, can you get my my pen? - Certainly.
You should be resting.
What do you need a pen for? Being asked for my autograph got me thinking.
Jonny's a celebrity now.
Isn't it great to have been shot in the knee? I'm gonna sign these photos.
It's a drag when you're in a restaurant and some punk wants a piece of you.
I'm, like, "No, just chill.
" I figure, in future, I'll hand them one of the pictures pre-signed.
What? I mean, you're not People are just interested.
You're tomorrow's chip paper, Jonny.
Oh, Janet, that hurts.
I didn't ask to be born! I'm going to my trailer! Brrm brrm.
You should stop giving him such a hard time, Janet.
He's had his leg half blown off.
Can I get you some form of infusion? - Yes, tea and bag would be lovely.
- I think you should enjoy the fame.
Perhaps even be grateful to whoever caused the shooting.
And if one day you do discover who it was, I think that the beauty that is you would find it in your heart to forgive them.
Thank you.
Why can't you be more like that? I just want you to get better.
That won't happen if you Christine Hamilton it up.
It's all I've got.
I can't work, I can't walk.
- I can't whistle.
- What's that gotta do with anything? It just upsets me.
(Blows noiselessly) (Doorbell) Support me in my fame.
Physio says I can get out the chair in a day or two.
I'm thinking press conference, the raising of Jonny! I'm thinking auction of scabby bandages.
- Jonny.
- Oh! The police! They're back for more! Ohh! Ohh! Oh God, oh God, oh God! That's her.
Louise Brooks, I'm arresting you on suspicion of incitement of GBH.
Anything you say will be taken and given in evidence.
- Ah! - Did you get that? That was "Ah!".
What's going on? Help me, I'm being Louise-napped! Seriously, you can't just barge in here and Hey aren't you Jonny Keogh? Why, yes, I am.
- For God's sake! - My mate shot you.
Dave from Preston.
- Short fellow, wonky eye.
Remember? - Strangely not.
I was more concerned with the huge hole he'd blown through my knee.
He's a nutter, all right.
Come on, let's get this one banged up.
Help, Janet, they're banging me up! And not in a Pete Tong way.
Oh, my God, GBH.
See? He knew who I was.
I wonder if they'll do security at the press conference.
Hang on.
No, wait, wait, stop a minute.
I can't do it.
It's easy! A monkey could do it.
Granted, he may fling it at you afterwards.
No, no, wait.
- I can't.
It won't go hard.
- For God's sakes, what do you mean? It's very easy to understand, Donna.
It - won't - go - hard.
- Give it here.
Come on, hand it over.
- No! It's shy and shrivelled.
- But why now? - I don't know.
Maybe I feel unmanlified by the funeral.
Unmanlified? Yeah, it's like unqualified, but instead of certificates, you get notches.
You've never been so tacky as to carve notches My God, I'd not noticed them before.
They're not notches, they're teeth marks.
Clear off, then.
I've a very important job to do.
You can't ask me to clear off just so you can shuffle the deck.
It's just impolite.
When I had flu, you made me sit on the balcony for 20 minutes while you did it.
It was only six-and-a-half if I'm honest.
I was just trying to impress you.
- Gaz, I'd just like to get on.
- I could offer you some expert advice.
For example, will you be using pornographic material? Possibly I may just rely on my own imagination.
- Oh, be careful.
- Why? lmagination can be fine for a while, but the danger is someone friendly pops up right on the crest.
- Really? - Yeah, you could be frottering away, thinking about me when, hello, Vicar, Father Downey appears behind a bouncy castle.
Well, I'm glad we had this little talk.
Nature calls.
Well, any more advice you need, I am here to help.
What do you do about the vague, hollow sense of guilt after you've finished? - I fill it with food.
- Out.
Guards! Guards! I want a latte.
At least give me my hat back.
It completes my outfit.
Me, arrested.
Can you believe? I know Jonny Keogh! He could get you killed! Note to self - don't threaten to kill police.
Just leave me alone! If you like her, just go and ask her out.
I can't.
She's way too good for me.
She's dreamy.
Oh, Donna.
Donna, yeah, how's it going? I just remembered, if you stare hard at Bruce Forsyth, he starts to resemble a testes.
Thought it might be useful to you.
Hiya.
I can't believe Jonny Keogh comes into the same pub as I work in.
He's fit.
Hey, I know him.
I know him dead well.
He says I smell like a badger.
But that was when I'd been wrestling with a badger.
Do you think you could introduce me? To the badger? Sadly, he's no longer with us.
No, to Jonny Keogh.
I work with his missus at the bakery.
She don't like me.
Women don't.
I threaten 'em with knives and stuff.
Oh, I could introduce you - heh heh - on one condition.
Yeah? What's that? You want free Vimto? Two conditions.
Right, see you in a bit.
Better? People change once you're celebrated but I never thought it of you, Gaz.
- And back we go.
- Wait, wait, wait, wait! What would the public think if they saw me on the floor like a drunken pop idol? You're not famous! You were on the front page for one day! And I'll be on the front page tomorrow.
I've called a press conference.
I've invited all the press.
Runcorn World, Runcorn Weekly News.
All both of them.
My convincing disguise! I asked you here to, um I've got a problem, a big problem I can't talk to you if you're acting all stupid and starry! Is it worse than being shot and no one appreciating what you've been through, no one wanting to know how close you were to dying? And the only one who cares is a reporter wanting to take pictures of your wounds and for you to sue the police to get another story! Is it worse than that? Is it? Yeah.
My (Mumbles incoherently) is back.
Eh? My (Mutters) is back.
Pardon? My immotence is back.
Your impotence is back! - Christ, that is worse! - Yes, I know.
I'd rather have both legs shot off and eat a grenade sandwich! - Thanks.
- I'd rather have been born without legs, then have pioneering surgery to attach bionic legs, then have 'em chewed off by hungry ants than that! I know.
I need to know what I can do about it.
Well, to me, you need to think back to what cured your (Mutters) in the first place and it would work again.
That's the problem.
Philip cured it last time.
You know, dark guy, fancied Donna.
I got angry at him and inflamed meself.
Cured my impotency.
Oh, him! Oh, he was fit! If I was Donna, I'd have gone off with him.
He was just gorgeous.
And brainy, too.
He was just perfect.
Anything going on down there? No, but I'm not nearly so angry that you fancy him.
That's what you have to do, you see.
Get yourself angry at him again.
Yeah! You might be onto summat there! I could invite him to the flat, start a fight, and throw him out when I was aroused.
Not fully erect, just the beginnings of an elderly carrot.
Exactly.
Now, excuse me, I have a press conference to prepare for.
And I need to convince Janet to let me do it.
And I have Pilates in half an hour.
Can't wait to find out what it is.
Yeah Are you digging on me? Yeah OK, fellas who's first? To me, to you.
- Louise, I'm so sorry.
- Oh, Janet! - It's been terrible! - I hadn't realised you were still here.
What with the funeral and Jonny's stupid press conference and the memorial fountain he wants to open for his leg.
I thought someone would've bailed you out.
Your mum or Donna.
Mum said she quite liked the house without me in it.
She said she could eat as many of the green pills as she wanted now.
- I'll get you out of here.
- Will you? Will you dress me up as a washerwoman and smuggle me out in the laundry? I was just gonna put the bail money up.
We can still play that when we get home.
What I don't understand is what you did.
They mentioned GBH.
Incitement? Um um What is an incitement? Is it taping the Top 40? Cos I am buggered.
What did you do? Get me out of here before they give me some more of that stuff they call "grub".
You're out of bed.
Put that pornography down.
You don't need it any more.
These are pictures of my mother.
Oh, so they are, yeah.
I'm so very sorry.
She does look kinda sexy in 'em.
I suppose, from a distance, it could've looked like porn.
No, no, I just spent a large portion of last year masturbating over 'em.
Anyway, Donna, I've reached a decision.
Phone Philip.
If you can get him to leave a message on our answerphone, I'll get so angry with him that - uhhh! - you know.
OK.
- If you're sure.
- Yep.
Hi, Philip, it's Donna.
Look, can you phone me back cos my oven just pinged? Thanks.
Bye.
"My oven pinged"? (Rings) (Answerphone beeps) (Donna) You've reached Donna and Gaz.
My mum's dead.
(Sobs) (Beep) (Philip) Donna, hi, I'm really sorry about your mum.
Jesus, I didn't know.
If there's anything I can do - even if it's getting shopping or mowing the lawn.
- Phone me if you need anything, OK? - (Beep) So did it work? Are you angry and horny like me? How could I be angry with that? - What? - Did you hear how nice he was being? His little voice, he was lovely.
I just wish we had a lawn for him to mow.
Watch the hair! I've got a press conference to think of.
For God's sake, fame is not important.
You being healthy is what matters.
Us being together is what matters.
Gordon Burns wants to interview you.
- Oh, my God, I love him! - So, coming to the press conference? What am I gonna wear? Is my hair OK? Gordon Burns! - So this is OK with you? - Gordon Burns! - Thank you! - Thank you, thank you! Ahem! Excuse me, don't I get a big thank you? This is the best thing to ever happen to us.
God bless offensive weaponry! Ahem! Excuse me, don't I get any credit? Not for getting me shot in the leg, no.
That was Dave from Preston.
- Short fella, wonky eye.
Thanks, Dave! - Dave? I'm not having Dave getting all my credit or this Gordy! What do you think I am?! It's me that deserves the praise and me that got you shot.
Me, me, me! Come on, all hail Louise! - What? - Oh.
Janet, come back! Have you seen Bad Girls? Have you seen Prisoner, Cell Block H? Have you seen Fame Academy? It's good, isn't it? (Deep voice) Hello, Gary.
Donna what are you doing? I am not Donna, I am Philip.
I'm the man that wants to sleep with your girlfriend! Hah hah hah-hah! Are you angry yet? Angry? I'm a bit puzzled.
Oh, yes, I'll give her a right good seeing to! We'll see about that.
I'm far more intelligent than you, some may even say better looking.
Hold on, that's just hurtful.
Oh, sorry, love.
Even you must admit that I'm far cleverer than you and that's what Donna wants.
Or is it? No, it's bloody not! She wants sex and my stupidity goes hand in hand with sex! - I'll do anything for hours! - Can you do it now? - Oh, yes, I can! - It worked? My plan worked? I guess it did.
I took a leap of faith there.
That could've put you off me for life, but I am sex itself! I cured you and we didn't even need Dr Ruth or Raj Persaud or freeze frames of bodywash commercials! You're a genius! The mask was a godsend! You're a proper genius! Oh, yeah! - Are you ready? - To face your public? Yes, of course.
I can't wait to get recognised.
Spotted - Janet Smith walking on hill.
Spotted - Janet Smith shopping for peas.
I wanna see what sponsorship deals we can get.
Janet and Jonny - faces of spuds.
Where are they? I don't know.
They said they'd be here.
Now I'm never gonna get to record that cover song.
(Rap) Lip up, fatty man, lip up, fatty man Oh.
Should we give them ten more minutes? No, it's over for me.
I'm waning.
Let's go home.
You can still do your standing up for me if you like.
- Fame was never that great anyway.
- No.
Not even when that girl offered me a blow job.
That was me.
Come on, what shall we get you for your tea? - Can we have egg butties? - Yeah.
- And will you make it into triangles? - Yeah.
- What's for afters? - Some sugar.
On sandwiches.
Cor! And can we play rummy club and get bladdered on cider? - Yeah.
- Oh, the simple life.
Here in Runcorn, the crowd is awaiting the arrival of unexplainable hero, local fool Jonny Keogh.
Join us again later when we'll bring you highlights of this unfathomable little man in this unfathomable little town.
Gordon Burns, Northwest Tonight, Runcorn.
Munch, do you believe in ghosts? They're out there, Janet.
I can't leave the house.
Why can't you just leave me alone? Police sniper! What you doing? No-o-o-o-o-o! I wanna live with you, be with you.
I just can't live my life scared.
Now, which shoes say "dead"? Jesus sandals! (Doorbell) Louise Ohh.
Car'll be here in a minute.
I know.
- Are you OK? - I don't think so.
I'm numb.
Well, you did insist on ribbed ones.
Dunno why it's affected you like it has.
You're just so horny.
- Sorry, Gaz.
- No, I don't mind.
Thought you'd want to spend the day crying rather than sat on me mouth.
Well, grief affects us all differently.
(Car horn) - That's the car.
Are you ready for this? - As I can be.
Shouldn't the driver have knocked? That's disrespectful.
"Beep beep, coming through, body in the back.
" He isn't getting a tip.
Hearses aren't like taxis, Donna.
They only have one drop-off point.
They won't say, " You'll never guess who I had in the back last week.
" What are you looking at me like that for? (Sombre organ music) (Janet) I can't believe Donna's late.
She must be grief-stricken.
(Louise) I think we all are.
Will there be food later? All rise, please.
(Sombre music) Whoo-hoo! Jonny, sit down! Can't do much else when you've been shot through the knee.
You don't arrive hanging off the back of the coffin! Flo had enough men hanging out the back of her not to mind another! We'll begin with a Hail Mary.
Check this out.
That's me.
I'm the local fool.
I'm famous! You got shot.
Of course you'll make the front page.
Last week's headline was "Marmite! Yum!" - Amen.
- (All) Amen.
- I think it's great Jonny got shot.
- Why on earth would you think that? Well, because he's got all this lovely fame.
Free hair products, the best table in the café.
Besides, nobody got seriously hurt, so no one's to blame.
Jonny nearly died.
Of course someone's to blame.
- That's right, no one's to blame.
- (Door opens) - Sorry.
- Sorry.
I can't believe you made me late for my own mother's funeral.
Don't blame me.
You're the one who's been affected so brilliantly by it.
(Priest) at 19, and pursuing her goal to be a full-time mother "Mummy"? She was the least mummyish person I ever met in my life.
I wanted "whore-hound" but the florist wouldn't go for it.
- Amen.
- (All) Amen.
There you go.
" To Ada, a lovely dear, from that idiot boy Jonny.
" Big kiss.
Stop exploiting this funeral for your fame.
You're like Elton John.
Louise is right, this fame's brilliant.
I'm gonna milk this for all I can.
And now Jonny Keogh will do a reading.
I didn't want any readings.
"Police were under fire following the shooting of local fool Jonny Keogh.
" That's me.
Jonny, how could you? (Jonny grunts in pain) Shall we move on to our first hymn? Freak Out by Le Chic.
- (# Freak Out on tape recorder) - It's what she would've wanted.
I've not seen you in 23 years.
Not since they brought you home from the hospital swathed in blankets.
Her husband never knew.
Flo thought it were best.
- Sorry, do I know you? - I wish I could've known you better.
I've not seen yer in 23 years.
Not since Ohh! (Camera clicks) Lovely day for a funeral.
She chose well.
- Ready to go, babe? - I think so.
It's been a tough day.
I might stay for a while.
Make sure everybody's - Oh, God! You, home! - Not again! There's mourners to behold.
- What's going on? - Ever since Flo died Shh! Don't say "died", use a euphemism.
I call it the "truck, splat (blows raspberry) incident".
Well, ever since then, she's been a whirling dervish à deux.
- Donna! - I know! I don't know what's wrong.
I get sad, then all these stirrings start and I've I would've jumped on Father Downey if he'd kept talking about his erection.
Resurrection.
Miss Henshaw Your hands feel so damn good on my skin.
Whoa! Sorry, Vicar.
Gaz, get me out of here.
It was a lovely service, Vicar.
I'd not seen her in 23 years.
Janet! Janet, it happened again.
Jonny! Stop trying to prove the Daleks wrong.
- Louise, can you get my my pen? - Certainly.
You should be resting.
What do you need a pen for? Being asked for my autograph got me thinking.
Jonny's a celebrity now.
Isn't it great to have been shot in the knee? I'm gonna sign these photos.
It's a drag when you're in a restaurant and some punk wants a piece of you.
I'm, like, "No, just chill.
" I figure, in future, I'll hand them one of the pictures pre-signed.
What? I mean, you're not People are just interested.
You're tomorrow's chip paper, Jonny.
Oh, Janet, that hurts.
I didn't ask to be born! I'm going to my trailer! Brrm brrm.
You should stop giving him such a hard time, Janet.
He's had his leg half blown off.
Can I get you some form of infusion? - Yes, tea and bag would be lovely.
- I think you should enjoy the fame.
Perhaps even be grateful to whoever caused the shooting.
And if one day you do discover who it was, I think that the beauty that is you would find it in your heart to forgive them.
Thank you.
Why can't you be more like that? I just want you to get better.
That won't happen if you Christine Hamilton it up.
It's all I've got.
I can't work, I can't walk.
- I can't whistle.
- What's that gotta do with anything? It just upsets me.
(Blows noiselessly) (Doorbell) Support me in my fame.
Physio says I can get out the chair in a day or two.
I'm thinking press conference, the raising of Jonny! I'm thinking auction of scabby bandages.
- Jonny.
- Oh! The police! They're back for more! Ohh! Ohh! Oh God, oh God, oh God! That's her.
Louise Brooks, I'm arresting you on suspicion of incitement of GBH.
Anything you say will be taken and given in evidence.
- Ah! - Did you get that? That was "Ah!".
What's going on? Help me, I'm being Louise-napped! Seriously, you can't just barge in here and Hey aren't you Jonny Keogh? Why, yes, I am.
- For God's sake! - My mate shot you.
Dave from Preston.
- Short fellow, wonky eye.
Remember? - Strangely not.
I was more concerned with the huge hole he'd blown through my knee.
He's a nutter, all right.
Come on, let's get this one banged up.
Help, Janet, they're banging me up! And not in a Pete Tong way.
Oh, my God, GBH.
See? He knew who I was.
I wonder if they'll do security at the press conference.
Hang on.
No, wait, wait, stop a minute.
I can't do it.
It's easy! A monkey could do it.
Granted, he may fling it at you afterwards.
No, no, wait.
- I can't.
It won't go hard.
- For God's sakes, what do you mean? It's very easy to understand, Donna.
It - won't - go - hard.
- Give it here.
Come on, hand it over.
- No! It's shy and shrivelled.
- But why now? - I don't know.
Maybe I feel unmanlified by the funeral.
Unmanlified? Yeah, it's like unqualified, but instead of certificates, you get notches.
You've never been so tacky as to carve notches My God, I'd not noticed them before.
They're not notches, they're teeth marks.
Clear off, then.
I've a very important job to do.
You can't ask me to clear off just so you can shuffle the deck.
It's just impolite.
When I had flu, you made me sit on the balcony for 20 minutes while you did it.
It was only six-and-a-half if I'm honest.
I was just trying to impress you.
- Gaz, I'd just like to get on.
- I could offer you some expert advice.
For example, will you be using pornographic material? Possibly I may just rely on my own imagination.
- Oh, be careful.
- Why? lmagination can be fine for a while, but the danger is someone friendly pops up right on the crest.
- Really? - Yeah, you could be frottering away, thinking about me when, hello, Vicar, Father Downey appears behind a bouncy castle.
Well, I'm glad we had this little talk.
Nature calls.
Well, any more advice you need, I am here to help.
What do you do about the vague, hollow sense of guilt after you've finished? - I fill it with food.
- Out.
Guards! Guards! I want a latte.
At least give me my hat back.
It completes my outfit.
Me, arrested.
Can you believe? I know Jonny Keogh! He could get you killed! Note to self - don't threaten to kill police.
Just leave me alone! If you like her, just go and ask her out.
I can't.
She's way too good for me.
She's dreamy.
Oh, Donna.
Donna, yeah, how's it going? I just remembered, if you stare hard at Bruce Forsyth, he starts to resemble a testes.
Thought it might be useful to you.
Hiya.
I can't believe Jonny Keogh comes into the same pub as I work in.
He's fit.
Hey, I know him.
I know him dead well.
He says I smell like a badger.
But that was when I'd been wrestling with a badger.
Do you think you could introduce me? To the badger? Sadly, he's no longer with us.
No, to Jonny Keogh.
I work with his missus at the bakery.
She don't like me.
Women don't.
I threaten 'em with knives and stuff.
Oh, I could introduce you - heh heh - on one condition.
Yeah? What's that? You want free Vimto? Two conditions.
Right, see you in a bit.
Better? People change once you're celebrated but I never thought it of you, Gaz.
- And back we go.
- Wait, wait, wait, wait! What would the public think if they saw me on the floor like a drunken pop idol? You're not famous! You were on the front page for one day! And I'll be on the front page tomorrow.
I've called a press conference.
I've invited all the press.
Runcorn World, Runcorn Weekly News.
All both of them.
My convincing disguise! I asked you here to, um I've got a problem, a big problem I can't talk to you if you're acting all stupid and starry! Is it worse than being shot and no one appreciating what you've been through, no one wanting to know how close you were to dying? And the only one who cares is a reporter wanting to take pictures of your wounds and for you to sue the police to get another story! Is it worse than that? Is it? Yeah.
My (Mumbles incoherently) is back.
Eh? My (Mutters) is back.
Pardon? My immotence is back.
Your impotence is back! - Christ, that is worse! - Yes, I know.
I'd rather have both legs shot off and eat a grenade sandwich! - Thanks.
- I'd rather have been born without legs, then have pioneering surgery to attach bionic legs, then have 'em chewed off by hungry ants than that! I know.
I need to know what I can do about it.
Well, to me, you need to think back to what cured your (Mutters) in the first place and it would work again.
That's the problem.
Philip cured it last time.
You know, dark guy, fancied Donna.
I got angry at him and inflamed meself.
Cured my impotency.
Oh, him! Oh, he was fit! If I was Donna, I'd have gone off with him.
He was just gorgeous.
And brainy, too.
He was just perfect.
Anything going on down there? No, but I'm not nearly so angry that you fancy him.
That's what you have to do, you see.
Get yourself angry at him again.
Yeah! You might be onto summat there! I could invite him to the flat, start a fight, and throw him out when I was aroused.
Not fully erect, just the beginnings of an elderly carrot.
Exactly.
Now, excuse me, I have a press conference to prepare for.
And I need to convince Janet to let me do it.
And I have Pilates in half an hour.
Can't wait to find out what it is.
Yeah Are you digging on me? Yeah OK, fellas who's first? To me, to you.
- Louise, I'm so sorry.
- Oh, Janet! - It's been terrible! - I hadn't realised you were still here.
What with the funeral and Jonny's stupid press conference and the memorial fountain he wants to open for his leg.
I thought someone would've bailed you out.
Your mum or Donna.
Mum said she quite liked the house without me in it.
She said she could eat as many of the green pills as she wanted now.
- I'll get you out of here.
- Will you? Will you dress me up as a washerwoman and smuggle me out in the laundry? I was just gonna put the bail money up.
We can still play that when we get home.
What I don't understand is what you did.
They mentioned GBH.
Incitement? Um um What is an incitement? Is it taping the Top 40? Cos I am buggered.
What did you do? Get me out of here before they give me some more of that stuff they call "grub".
You're out of bed.
Put that pornography down.
You don't need it any more.
These are pictures of my mother.
Oh, so they are, yeah.
I'm so very sorry.
She does look kinda sexy in 'em.
I suppose, from a distance, it could've looked like porn.
No, no, I just spent a large portion of last year masturbating over 'em.
Anyway, Donna, I've reached a decision.
Phone Philip.
If you can get him to leave a message on our answerphone, I'll get so angry with him that - uhhh! - you know.
OK.
- If you're sure.
- Yep.
Hi, Philip, it's Donna.
Look, can you phone me back cos my oven just pinged? Thanks.
Bye.
"My oven pinged"? (Rings) (Answerphone beeps) (Donna) You've reached Donna and Gaz.
My mum's dead.
(Sobs) (Beep) (Philip) Donna, hi, I'm really sorry about your mum.
Jesus, I didn't know.
If there's anything I can do - even if it's getting shopping or mowing the lawn.
- Phone me if you need anything, OK? - (Beep) So did it work? Are you angry and horny like me? How could I be angry with that? - What? - Did you hear how nice he was being? His little voice, he was lovely.
I just wish we had a lawn for him to mow.
Watch the hair! I've got a press conference to think of.
For God's sake, fame is not important.
You being healthy is what matters.
Us being together is what matters.
Gordon Burns wants to interview you.
- Oh, my God, I love him! - So, coming to the press conference? What am I gonna wear? Is my hair OK? Gordon Burns! - So this is OK with you? - Gordon Burns! - Thank you! - Thank you, thank you! Ahem! Excuse me, don't I get a big thank you? This is the best thing to ever happen to us.
God bless offensive weaponry! Ahem! Excuse me, don't I get any credit? Not for getting me shot in the leg, no.
That was Dave from Preston.
- Short fella, wonky eye.
Thanks, Dave! - Dave? I'm not having Dave getting all my credit or this Gordy! What do you think I am?! It's me that deserves the praise and me that got you shot.
Me, me, me! Come on, all hail Louise! - What? - Oh.
Janet, come back! Have you seen Bad Girls? Have you seen Prisoner, Cell Block H? Have you seen Fame Academy? It's good, isn't it? (Deep voice) Hello, Gary.
Donna what are you doing? I am not Donna, I am Philip.
I'm the man that wants to sleep with your girlfriend! Hah hah hah-hah! Are you angry yet? Angry? I'm a bit puzzled.
Oh, yes, I'll give her a right good seeing to! We'll see about that.
I'm far more intelligent than you, some may even say better looking.
Hold on, that's just hurtful.
Oh, sorry, love.
Even you must admit that I'm far cleverer than you and that's what Donna wants.
Or is it? No, it's bloody not! She wants sex and my stupidity goes hand in hand with sex! - I'll do anything for hours! - Can you do it now? - Oh, yes, I can! - It worked? My plan worked? I guess it did.
I took a leap of faith there.
That could've put you off me for life, but I am sex itself! I cured you and we didn't even need Dr Ruth or Raj Persaud or freeze frames of bodywash commercials! You're a genius! The mask was a godsend! You're a proper genius! Oh, yeah! - Are you ready? - To face your public? Yes, of course.
I can't wait to get recognised.
Spotted - Janet Smith walking on hill.
Spotted - Janet Smith shopping for peas.
I wanna see what sponsorship deals we can get.
Janet and Jonny - faces of spuds.
Where are they? I don't know.
They said they'd be here.
Now I'm never gonna get to record that cover song.
(Rap) Lip up, fatty man, lip up, fatty man Oh.
Should we give them ten more minutes? No, it's over for me.
I'm waning.
Let's go home.
You can still do your standing up for me if you like.
- Fame was never that great anyway.
- No.
Not even when that girl offered me a blow job.
That was me.
Come on, what shall we get you for your tea? - Can we have egg butties? - Yeah.
- And will you make it into triangles? - Yeah.
- What's for afters? - Some sugar.
On sandwiches.
Cor! And can we play rummy club and get bladdered on cider? - Yeah.
- Oh, the simple life.
Here in Runcorn, the crowd is awaiting the arrival of unexplainable hero, local fool Jonny Keogh.
Join us again later when we'll bring you highlights of this unfathomable little man in this unfathomable little town.
Gordon Burns, Northwest Tonight, Runcorn.
Munch, do you believe in ghosts? They're out there, Janet.
I can't leave the house.
Why can't you just leave me alone? Police sniper! What you doing? No-o-o-o-o-o! I wanna live with you, be with you.
I just can't live my life scared.