Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps (2001) s05e03 Episode Script
Shrink
Hey, Mr Bartender, give me a drink I want a cold, wet glass with bubbles in it And that doesn't mean I can't handle anything stronger, now Just think I'll wait a while I'll have a pint of lager, please And a pack of flakeys And then, as we say "I do", all the pageboys will fall from the sky like so many cannonballs.
Everyone will so excited.
Don't have to go to massive lengths to make our wedding happy.
- Us both being sober would be enough.
- I can't promise that.
I can promise a 21-gun salute, an ice sculpture and a man in a very tall hat.
- What will he be doing? - Catching bluebirds to swarm around your head.
It's gonna be huge.
The wedding, not your head.
People might not even want to come.
It's just one wedding.
It's not one wedding, it's one's wedding.
People are tired of us getting engaged.
They'll only think we'll split up again.
Look, we missed out last time because well, you dumped me like a cruel bitch from Hades, but this time we can really make it special.
It'll be special whatever we do because we are special.
Don't overdo it.
You don't know what's round the corner.
The pub, which is where I'll be if you need me.
If you wait, there might be even bigger news.
What's bigger than us getting married? - Unless - Yes? you've got us a canoe! No.
See you later.
God, I hope I don't piss on my hand again.
Da da-da daaaaaaa! Da-da Da da-da daaaaaaaaaa, da-da They get him in this seat, a big leather seat, and they interrogate him, right? They ask him questions about Cardinal Hume.
When he gets one wrong, bam! Da da-da daaaaaaaaaa, da-da That's not a film, it's Mastermind.
- How are you and Munch getting on? - Oh, I don't know.
He's nice and everything, but - But what? - I think I need someone more cleverer.
Someone more like you.
Although he does write lovely poetry.
Listen to what he wrote us in the ASDA.
"Vimto, Vimto, processed cheese "Head & Shoulders, Rice Krispies" He's quite deep, I suppose.
How's your bird with her poor dead mother? Donna? She's bearing up.
Hard-faced cow.
No, she isn't.
She's dead sensitive, over-sensitive.
Oh, they say that about me.
Ladybird.
It's been two weeks, you'd expect her to come out the other side, but no, she's still crying and picking things up and going, "Boo-hoo, it smells of Mum.
" She sleeps with a face on her like this (Whimpering) - I'll tell you summat, grief is dull.
- It'll pass soon enough.
- When my mum died, I was a wreck.
- Is your mum dead? Sorry, I didn't know.
She isn't any more.
The Prison Service brought her back alive.
Fake mum didn't like that one bit.
But, if she was actually dead, would you comfort me? If you like.
But Donna isn't going to get over this death for a long, long time.
When you're smiling, when you're smiling The whole world smiles with you When you're laughing Ho ho! When you're laughing Oh, my God.
I can't believe it.
Oh Oh, oh, sorry.
Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry! Um here, have some Ribena.
Oh, bugger, that was wine.
Sorry.
Sorry, sorry, sorry.
I'll make it up to yer.
Oh, God, I'm a terrible mother.
- Janet - What do you want? - You were so out of order yesterday.
- I know and I've come to apologise.
I should never have tried to tell Jonny yesterday about, you know, what I saw you and Gaz - # La la-la la-la la-laaaa # on the couch in all your glory having - # La la-la la-la la-laaaaa # sex.
- I promise I'm never gonna tell Jonny.
- You won't? No, cos then I wouldn't have anything on you.
- Now I can make you do anything I want.
- I am not your slave.
- I'd like to see you squeal like a pig.
- I am not your sl - I'll tell Jonny.
- (Squeals) - Yay! - This is blackmail.
Or maybe I want to practise counselling on you.
- Now that I'm a trained counsellor.
- You're what? Well, I've been having psychotherapy from Dr Yark for a while now.
Well, since yesterday, but I think I've got the gist.
I won't be your experiment.
I've got bigger things to think about.
Well, then, let's explore these issues with my box of tissues.
- No! - I'll tell Jonny about you and Gaz.
- Well, it all started with my mother - Yay! Morning.
Get out, you freak! Bitch wanted wheat-free.
Kelly, isn't it? You're Munch's mate.
Any friend of Munch's is a friend of mine unless they do him wrong and then I bun 'em.
- What can I get you? - Nothing.
I'm bunned up.
Just I've got a bit of news.
I love news.
It's my second favourite show after Engie Benjy.
Right, me and Janet, right? Get this - Yeah? - We're getting married! What, again? - # When you're smiling, when you're # - Wait, wait.
It's really good to see you smiling, but stop singing that stupid song! I can't.
I haven't felt like this for - Well, you know, since - Whoa, whoa! Stop that! Happy Donna! Come on! - I won't let it spoil my mood.
- Why's that? I had the house valued and, even with the stairs broken, guess how much.
Well, it's a tenuous market and, although the location is optimal, the condition and overall modernisation required to the property would lead me to guess I haven't got a twatting clue.
£99,000.
Marry me! Me, a woman of property, marry a commoner like you? Why, my dear fellow, you're not fit to enter my potting shed! - Gonna put it on the market? - I reckon so.
Pointless hanging on to memories.
Know what Mum said when I was little? Fetch the gin! No, she'd say, " Never hang on to the past.
If you get the chance, go for it.
"If that means selling my death nest from under my still-warm corpse, do it.
" Paraphrasing, obviously.
- From now on, it's spend, spend, spend.
- And we can afford a takeaway.
This time I'm getting chips.
Large.
- I know what we can do with the money.
- So do I.
Didn't you hear? Chips.
I want to go on holiday.
I've never been further than Warrington.
That was only cos I fell asleep in that skip wagon.
Oooh.
OK, where do you want to go? lbiza? Faliraki! Wales! Two weeks hiking in Ecuador.
Would I be right in thinking that's in Wales? No.
A proper holiday, me and you.
Give us your phone.
I'll phone the travel agent.
- (Rings) - Ooh, maybe that's them.
- That'd be weird, wouldn't it? - Yes, yes, it would.
- Hello? - Gaz, I need to see you now.
- Louise is driving me insane.
- Janet.
Inkblot test.
Tell me what you can see.
My granny's last Christmas card covered in Ainsley Harriott sauce.
Mm, Freudian.
Gaz, you still there? I need to see you now.
Louise is threatening to tell Jonny about when she caught us you know, doing it.
La la-la laaa, la la-la laaa, la la la la la la Oh, shut up Vodaphone courtesy call.
Stop offering me 150 free texts and reduced-rate evening and weekend calls.
- They're insatiable.
- I'm going to the travel agent's.
I'll get some brochures and price some trips.
I'll bring you back a balloon.
Janet? No, I can't meet you.
Yes, I know you need me and, to a certain extent, all women do.
There's no way in the world I can be alone with you.
What if things happen? Naked things.
Look, I can see what La la la la la la, shut up - Is that Vodaphone? - Yeah.
All right, look, I'll meet you round mine in ten, right? Don't you dare be naked.
- Hiya.
Guess what.
- Look, I've just got to - Guess what.
- What? Make it quick.
I've got to go.
Me and Janet, right Drum roll.
We're getting married.
Tchhhhh! - Again? - Where are you going? I've got to go and meet Vodaphone, alone.
- Aren't you staying to celebrate? - It's old news.
I've gotta go.
I've not been alone with Vodaphone since since the top-up.
Wish me luck.
Janet? Where's Janet? Oh, she's gone to the park to squeal like a pig for me.
- I'm gonna go and find her.
- Don't go, Donna.
Come in, take a seat.
Well, I've been to the travel agent's.
I've got the whole world in my hands plus a little donkey.
Aww.
I'm just like God.
Megalomania infused with donkey-philia.
OK.
Hey, I put my mum's house on the market.
Guess how much.
Do you think you're ready to tell me? Are you shocked by huge, buggering amounts of cash? 99 grand.
And how does that make you feel? Well, I feel great, to be honest.
- What are you writing? - Just some case subject notes.
These are pictures of spiders.
(Squeals) You need my counselling.
Let me practise on you.
- Did you always have suicidal thoughts? - Never.
Come on, I'd be suicidal if my counsellor was so much prettier than me.
Nothing you say will me cry.
I'm not in the mood.
Fine.
What if we talk about that time when your mother got squashed by that truck? And before she was cold, you sold her house so you could enjoy yourself.
How does that make you feel? Gaz, look, we need a plan.
Whoa-ho-ho-ho-ho! Don't you point those things at me.
- What are you talking about? - Me and you.
We can't be alone together ever.
What if the nakedness returns? - That is not gonna happen.
- (Chuckles) You won't be able to help yourself.
I mean, look at me.
We're not safe.
You've seen the goods.
Gaz, I will prove it to you.
Do you feel anything? Yeah, boobies.
I mean, do you feel anything you know? - Do you feel anything? - Not at all.
But it has made me appreciate Jonny wearing mittens to bed.
Why did you phone? Women only phone me for sex and to tell me my tea's ready.
Is me tea ready? No, Louise is blackmailing me.
She says she'll tell Jonny about us if I don't let her counsel me.
Let her counsel you.
She'll move on to summat else next week.
But what next? I'm her slave.
She can make me do anything she wants.
Oooh! We need to think of a way to stop her once and for all.
Please, think.
I can't while your nipples are pointing at me.
I can't concentrate.
It's like reading Braille off your bra.
We could confront her.
If there's two of us, she's bound to back down.
Two.
- Bound.
- Or we could say that it never happened.
Oh, yeah, that might work.
Except she walked in on us naked.
We weren't naked.
We'd finished.
We had some clothes on.
No, we hadn't, we were both naked.
Louise walked in, she smiled, her negligee fell off.
She said, " Oh, it's hot in here.
Where's the ice?" - That didn't happen.
- That's how I remember it.
If it had happened, we'd have something to blackmail her back with.
Don't you have anything? I thought you girls told each other everything.
Know what? There is one skeleton she wouldn't like getting out.
What, what? What is it? Is it summat really fruity? Summat involving a negligee? In school, right I've never told anyone this.
Oh, yeah! Naughty, was she? In year ten, right? Yeah, 15 years old, hormones a-blazing! She - failed PE.
- Ooh.
Oh, my God! If that's the everything you girls tell each other, I'm glad to be a man.
Listen, she's dead bothered about it, it was humiliating.
The BAGA assessor thought she was pissed.
She told me never to bring it up.
That's it, we've got it.
She is bound to stop now.
Hey.
I think your anger management needs a little work.
If you dare mention my mother again, I will kill you with my bare hands! No, no, gloved hands, polyester gloves! And when you get to heaven, my mum will kill you, as well.
And when you come back as a rat, I will buy you from the pet shop and keep you in a shoe box, a Clarks Back To School shoe box.
Then I'll kill you with my bare hands! (Mobile phone) Janet.
I'd love to come, but I-I'm just in session at the minute.
(Mutters) I think that's all the time we have for today.
- All right? - Hiya.
I'm stuck.
Got any goose fat? No.
Sorry.
Then I guess this is home.
- I like moving.
It's exciting.
- So you'd be excited if I had big news? Have yer? Bloody hell, that's brilliant.
Top man.
- You think so? - Yeah.
As long as it weren't that you were engaged again.
That's so passé.
OK, this is the deal.
We sit her down, we look stern at her, like this (Snarls) demand she stops blackmailing me, then - here's the clever bit - we threaten her with her own sordid little secret - hah! Actually, that's what I'm gonna say at the end - hah! OK, could you go through that again? I don't really listen to girls.
Louise, glad you could make it.
(Snarls) The day I've had.
Your girlfriend is quite the Don Quixote with her donkey.
We have some demands.
Hah! - Weren't you saving that for the end? - It's addictive.
Louise, we have a little bargaining chip we'd like to offer.
Hah! I don't mind admitting, Gaz, that I'm a bit completely terrified of Donna.
I have Paolo parts in places straw should never exist.
Hello? My demands.
She's the worse subject I've encountered since PE.
God, do you remember me failing that at school? Funny story.
I tell it to everyone.
Oh, bollocks.
I'll just have to tell Jonny myself.
Life over, fantastic.
I tried to be nice to her about her mum and encourage her suicidal tendencies.
- Imagine if I'd done something wrong.
- Imagine.
Like snagging one of her revolting cardigans or smoking her last roll-up.
Did you see that? Are you mad? You've made everything ten times worse! She grabbed me and kissed me! Oh, my God! Well, I for one sure hope Donna doesn't find out about that.
Ohhh! So do I.
Will you tell the frightening and hurtful Donna about kissing her boyfriend? I am so turned on.
- I'd best phone Donna.
- Oh, God, don't tell Donna! Please don't tell Donna.
- Oh, are you gonna tell Donna, Gaz? - I might be persuaded to keep it quiet.
- Janet? - Well, I won't tell Donna if you don't tell Jonny about me and him.
Of course.
Definitely.
I'll never bring it up again if you're sure you won't tell Donna.
(Both) Yeah.
Thank you, thank you.
By God, it was worth it.
Hah! - Hiya.
What are you doing here? - Calming down.
Bloody Louise! She just makes me feel so gah! That's the only word for it.
"Gah!" I would love to be thought of as "Gah".
Everyone round here just seems to think I'm "huh".
- It's not her fault.
My life's such a mess.
- So's mine.
The most exciting thing is happening to me and everyone thinks it's boring.
Mum's died and I can't use her money to go travelling because I feel guilty.
You win.
- So where is it you wanna go? - Hiking in Ecuador.
Day trips to Wales aren't that expensive.
That was only the beginning.
I wanted to travel the world.
Louise has made me feel selfish - selling my mum's house to go travelling.
- Well, you are.
What's wrong with that? - It's sick.
I should be sat moping, I should be at her graveside tending flowers.
- And Flo would like that? - She never spoke about it.
She thought I'd die before her.
She was never a grave-tending, mopy woman.
She was a slave-vending, gropy woman.
I know, but Louise has made me feel like I should be the dutiful daughter.
She'd want you to be happy.
I think you'd be granting her dying wish.
- Do you think? - Yeah.
Although her dying wish was probably, "I wish that truck wasn't coming at me so fast.
" - I'm gonna book this trip.
- It'll be great.
I will.
Not just to Ecuador.
I'm packing in college, my job.
I'll go round the world.
- You should.
- I'll phone 'em right now.
Thanks.
- I've never been so excited.
- Wanna hear something more exciting? - Yes.
- I'm getting married.
What, again? Norma's said she saw you kissing that little squeaky biffer.
- Why her and not me? - What? What's up with me, eh? Is it because I rammed your brother in that swing? Aah.
I couldn't help it.
He was annoying me.
"Higher, higher, faster, faster.
" I just can't shag that quickly.
- I didn't want to do it.
- Then you just don't fancy me.
Nobody fancies me.
Why not? What's wrong with me, eh? - I'll never get a boyfriend.
- I've already got a girlfriend.
Donna.
You think I'm ugly.
(High-pitched whining) Oh, bollocks.
In for a penny, in for a pound, eh? Hey! Hey? Nobody cares.
Always the bridegroom, never the bride.
Jonny, hello.
Oh, God, what a day.
I know.
Nobody cares about us getting married.
So? It's not new to them, is it? The point of news it that it's new s.
We've been engaged before.
We should not get married until I think of something to make 'em go, "Wow, that's some news, Jonny.
Check out those tidings.
"Ahoy, call the Fire Brigade, this is hot.
" Nobody speaks like that other than you.
We could do it underwater.
That'd be news.
- Been done.
- At a football stadium.
Been done.
On fire.
- Not been done, but resulting in death.
- At least it'd be news.
- We could do it whilst I was pregnant.
- Now, that is unoriginal.
What would be news is if the groom was actually the father.
He is.
Jonny What, you? Yeah.
Four weeks.
Four weeks old.
What, you You've done a test and It's not like when you got your dates mixed up? Or when you craved Big Macs and it just turned out you were a greedy bastard? No, it's not like that.
I'm having a baby.
There's your news.
Corinthian.
We shall name him Corinthian.
After our Action Man.
Would I be right in thinking you've pissed on that? It's ace, Donna, it really is.
Will you come with me? Can you get time off? Yeah, I reckon so.
Munch should be pretty competent.
- Well, once he gets out of that swing.
- I can't wait.
After all the bad news, it's great to have something to look forward to.
I know.
After the day I've had, I'll be glad of a trip to Wales.
It's my fault, isn't it? I'm sorry my mum's death's made me such a nightmare.
Oh, I sound like Liza Minnelli.
Nah, you grieve as much as you want.
Go ahead, I'll look after you.
Thanks, Gaz.
So what made your day so hard if it wasn't me? That bloody Louise.
She wanted to tell Jonny about me and Janet sleeping together.
It's a bloody nightmare.
Got a right gob on her, hasn't she? I am truly sorry I slept with Janet.
Donna? I know what happened.
Oh, sorry, sorry, sorry.
Flat seems to empty without Donna.
Would you like me to shag you in it? We can't pick up the pieces of our friendship till you've picked up the pieces of your teeth.
I'm pregnant.
Haven't you figured it out? Janet's having your baby.
Everyone will so excited.
Don't have to go to massive lengths to make our wedding happy.
- Us both being sober would be enough.
- I can't promise that.
I can promise a 21-gun salute, an ice sculpture and a man in a very tall hat.
- What will he be doing? - Catching bluebirds to swarm around your head.
It's gonna be huge.
The wedding, not your head.
People might not even want to come.
It's just one wedding.
It's not one wedding, it's one's wedding.
People are tired of us getting engaged.
They'll only think we'll split up again.
Look, we missed out last time because well, you dumped me like a cruel bitch from Hades, but this time we can really make it special.
It'll be special whatever we do because we are special.
Don't overdo it.
You don't know what's round the corner.
The pub, which is where I'll be if you need me.
If you wait, there might be even bigger news.
What's bigger than us getting married? - Unless - Yes? you've got us a canoe! No.
See you later.
God, I hope I don't piss on my hand again.
Da da-da daaaaaaa! Da-da Da da-da daaaaaaaaaa, da-da They get him in this seat, a big leather seat, and they interrogate him, right? They ask him questions about Cardinal Hume.
When he gets one wrong, bam! Da da-da daaaaaaaaaa, da-da That's not a film, it's Mastermind.
- How are you and Munch getting on? - Oh, I don't know.
He's nice and everything, but - But what? - I think I need someone more cleverer.
Someone more like you.
Although he does write lovely poetry.
Listen to what he wrote us in the ASDA.
"Vimto, Vimto, processed cheese "Head & Shoulders, Rice Krispies" He's quite deep, I suppose.
How's your bird with her poor dead mother? Donna? She's bearing up.
Hard-faced cow.
No, she isn't.
She's dead sensitive, over-sensitive.
Oh, they say that about me.
Ladybird.
It's been two weeks, you'd expect her to come out the other side, but no, she's still crying and picking things up and going, "Boo-hoo, it smells of Mum.
" She sleeps with a face on her like this (Whimpering) - I'll tell you summat, grief is dull.
- It'll pass soon enough.
- When my mum died, I was a wreck.
- Is your mum dead? Sorry, I didn't know.
She isn't any more.
The Prison Service brought her back alive.
Fake mum didn't like that one bit.
But, if she was actually dead, would you comfort me? If you like.
But Donna isn't going to get over this death for a long, long time.
When you're smiling, when you're smiling The whole world smiles with you When you're laughing Ho ho! When you're laughing Oh, my God.
I can't believe it.
Oh Oh, oh, sorry.
Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry! Um here, have some Ribena.
Oh, bugger, that was wine.
Sorry.
Sorry, sorry, sorry.
I'll make it up to yer.
Oh, God, I'm a terrible mother.
- Janet - What do you want? - You were so out of order yesterday.
- I know and I've come to apologise.
I should never have tried to tell Jonny yesterday about, you know, what I saw you and Gaz - # La la-la la-la la-laaaa # on the couch in all your glory having - # La la-la la-la la-laaaaa # sex.
- I promise I'm never gonna tell Jonny.
- You won't? No, cos then I wouldn't have anything on you.
- Now I can make you do anything I want.
- I am not your slave.
- I'd like to see you squeal like a pig.
- I am not your sl - I'll tell Jonny.
- (Squeals) - Yay! - This is blackmail.
Or maybe I want to practise counselling on you.
- Now that I'm a trained counsellor.
- You're what? Well, I've been having psychotherapy from Dr Yark for a while now.
Well, since yesterday, but I think I've got the gist.
I won't be your experiment.
I've got bigger things to think about.
Well, then, let's explore these issues with my box of tissues.
- No! - I'll tell Jonny about you and Gaz.
- Well, it all started with my mother - Yay! Morning.
Get out, you freak! Bitch wanted wheat-free.
Kelly, isn't it? You're Munch's mate.
Any friend of Munch's is a friend of mine unless they do him wrong and then I bun 'em.
- What can I get you? - Nothing.
I'm bunned up.
Just I've got a bit of news.
I love news.
It's my second favourite show after Engie Benjy.
Right, me and Janet, right? Get this - Yeah? - We're getting married! What, again? - # When you're smiling, when you're # - Wait, wait.
It's really good to see you smiling, but stop singing that stupid song! I can't.
I haven't felt like this for - Well, you know, since - Whoa, whoa! Stop that! Happy Donna! Come on! - I won't let it spoil my mood.
- Why's that? I had the house valued and, even with the stairs broken, guess how much.
Well, it's a tenuous market and, although the location is optimal, the condition and overall modernisation required to the property would lead me to guess I haven't got a twatting clue.
£99,000.
Marry me! Me, a woman of property, marry a commoner like you? Why, my dear fellow, you're not fit to enter my potting shed! - Gonna put it on the market? - I reckon so.
Pointless hanging on to memories.
Know what Mum said when I was little? Fetch the gin! No, she'd say, " Never hang on to the past.
If you get the chance, go for it.
"If that means selling my death nest from under my still-warm corpse, do it.
" Paraphrasing, obviously.
- From now on, it's spend, spend, spend.
- And we can afford a takeaway.
This time I'm getting chips.
Large.
- I know what we can do with the money.
- So do I.
Didn't you hear? Chips.
I want to go on holiday.
I've never been further than Warrington.
That was only cos I fell asleep in that skip wagon.
Oooh.
OK, where do you want to go? lbiza? Faliraki! Wales! Two weeks hiking in Ecuador.
Would I be right in thinking that's in Wales? No.
A proper holiday, me and you.
Give us your phone.
I'll phone the travel agent.
- (Rings) - Ooh, maybe that's them.
- That'd be weird, wouldn't it? - Yes, yes, it would.
- Hello? - Gaz, I need to see you now.
- Louise is driving me insane.
- Janet.
Inkblot test.
Tell me what you can see.
My granny's last Christmas card covered in Ainsley Harriott sauce.
Mm, Freudian.
Gaz, you still there? I need to see you now.
Louise is threatening to tell Jonny about when she caught us you know, doing it.
La la-la laaa, la la-la laaa, la la la la la la Oh, shut up Vodaphone courtesy call.
Stop offering me 150 free texts and reduced-rate evening and weekend calls.
- They're insatiable.
- I'm going to the travel agent's.
I'll get some brochures and price some trips.
I'll bring you back a balloon.
Janet? No, I can't meet you.
Yes, I know you need me and, to a certain extent, all women do.
There's no way in the world I can be alone with you.
What if things happen? Naked things.
Look, I can see what La la la la la la, shut up - Is that Vodaphone? - Yeah.
All right, look, I'll meet you round mine in ten, right? Don't you dare be naked.
- Hiya.
Guess what.
- Look, I've just got to - Guess what.
- What? Make it quick.
I've got to go.
Me and Janet, right Drum roll.
We're getting married.
Tchhhhh! - Again? - Where are you going? I've got to go and meet Vodaphone, alone.
- Aren't you staying to celebrate? - It's old news.
I've gotta go.
I've not been alone with Vodaphone since since the top-up.
Wish me luck.
Janet? Where's Janet? Oh, she's gone to the park to squeal like a pig for me.
- I'm gonna go and find her.
- Don't go, Donna.
Come in, take a seat.
Well, I've been to the travel agent's.
I've got the whole world in my hands plus a little donkey.
Aww.
I'm just like God.
Megalomania infused with donkey-philia.
OK.
Hey, I put my mum's house on the market.
Guess how much.
Do you think you're ready to tell me? Are you shocked by huge, buggering amounts of cash? 99 grand.
And how does that make you feel? Well, I feel great, to be honest.
- What are you writing? - Just some case subject notes.
These are pictures of spiders.
(Squeals) You need my counselling.
Let me practise on you.
- Did you always have suicidal thoughts? - Never.
Come on, I'd be suicidal if my counsellor was so much prettier than me.
Nothing you say will me cry.
I'm not in the mood.
Fine.
What if we talk about that time when your mother got squashed by that truck? And before she was cold, you sold her house so you could enjoy yourself.
How does that make you feel? Gaz, look, we need a plan.
Whoa-ho-ho-ho-ho! Don't you point those things at me.
- What are you talking about? - Me and you.
We can't be alone together ever.
What if the nakedness returns? - That is not gonna happen.
- (Chuckles) You won't be able to help yourself.
I mean, look at me.
We're not safe.
You've seen the goods.
Gaz, I will prove it to you.
Do you feel anything? Yeah, boobies.
I mean, do you feel anything you know? - Do you feel anything? - Not at all.
But it has made me appreciate Jonny wearing mittens to bed.
Why did you phone? Women only phone me for sex and to tell me my tea's ready.
Is me tea ready? No, Louise is blackmailing me.
She says she'll tell Jonny about us if I don't let her counsel me.
Let her counsel you.
She'll move on to summat else next week.
But what next? I'm her slave.
She can make me do anything she wants.
Oooh! We need to think of a way to stop her once and for all.
Please, think.
I can't while your nipples are pointing at me.
I can't concentrate.
It's like reading Braille off your bra.
We could confront her.
If there's two of us, she's bound to back down.
Two.
- Bound.
- Or we could say that it never happened.
Oh, yeah, that might work.
Except she walked in on us naked.
We weren't naked.
We'd finished.
We had some clothes on.
No, we hadn't, we were both naked.
Louise walked in, she smiled, her negligee fell off.
She said, " Oh, it's hot in here.
Where's the ice?" - That didn't happen.
- That's how I remember it.
If it had happened, we'd have something to blackmail her back with.
Don't you have anything? I thought you girls told each other everything.
Know what? There is one skeleton she wouldn't like getting out.
What, what? What is it? Is it summat really fruity? Summat involving a negligee? In school, right I've never told anyone this.
Oh, yeah! Naughty, was she? In year ten, right? Yeah, 15 years old, hormones a-blazing! She - failed PE.
- Ooh.
Oh, my God! If that's the everything you girls tell each other, I'm glad to be a man.
Listen, she's dead bothered about it, it was humiliating.
The BAGA assessor thought she was pissed.
She told me never to bring it up.
That's it, we've got it.
She is bound to stop now.
Hey.
I think your anger management needs a little work.
If you dare mention my mother again, I will kill you with my bare hands! No, no, gloved hands, polyester gloves! And when you get to heaven, my mum will kill you, as well.
And when you come back as a rat, I will buy you from the pet shop and keep you in a shoe box, a Clarks Back To School shoe box.
Then I'll kill you with my bare hands! (Mobile phone) Janet.
I'd love to come, but I-I'm just in session at the minute.
(Mutters) I think that's all the time we have for today.
- All right? - Hiya.
I'm stuck.
Got any goose fat? No.
Sorry.
Then I guess this is home.
- I like moving.
It's exciting.
- So you'd be excited if I had big news? Have yer? Bloody hell, that's brilliant.
Top man.
- You think so? - Yeah.
As long as it weren't that you were engaged again.
That's so passé.
OK, this is the deal.
We sit her down, we look stern at her, like this (Snarls) demand she stops blackmailing me, then - here's the clever bit - we threaten her with her own sordid little secret - hah! Actually, that's what I'm gonna say at the end - hah! OK, could you go through that again? I don't really listen to girls.
Louise, glad you could make it.
(Snarls) The day I've had.
Your girlfriend is quite the Don Quixote with her donkey.
We have some demands.
Hah! - Weren't you saving that for the end? - It's addictive.
Louise, we have a little bargaining chip we'd like to offer.
Hah! I don't mind admitting, Gaz, that I'm a bit completely terrified of Donna.
I have Paolo parts in places straw should never exist.
Hello? My demands.
She's the worse subject I've encountered since PE.
God, do you remember me failing that at school? Funny story.
I tell it to everyone.
Oh, bollocks.
I'll just have to tell Jonny myself.
Life over, fantastic.
I tried to be nice to her about her mum and encourage her suicidal tendencies.
- Imagine if I'd done something wrong.
- Imagine.
Like snagging one of her revolting cardigans or smoking her last roll-up.
Did you see that? Are you mad? You've made everything ten times worse! She grabbed me and kissed me! Oh, my God! Well, I for one sure hope Donna doesn't find out about that.
Ohhh! So do I.
Will you tell the frightening and hurtful Donna about kissing her boyfriend? I am so turned on.
- I'd best phone Donna.
- Oh, God, don't tell Donna! Please don't tell Donna.
- Oh, are you gonna tell Donna, Gaz? - I might be persuaded to keep it quiet.
- Janet? - Well, I won't tell Donna if you don't tell Jonny about me and him.
Of course.
Definitely.
I'll never bring it up again if you're sure you won't tell Donna.
(Both) Yeah.
Thank you, thank you.
By God, it was worth it.
Hah! - Hiya.
What are you doing here? - Calming down.
Bloody Louise! She just makes me feel so gah! That's the only word for it.
"Gah!" I would love to be thought of as "Gah".
Everyone round here just seems to think I'm "huh".
- It's not her fault.
My life's such a mess.
- So's mine.
The most exciting thing is happening to me and everyone thinks it's boring.
Mum's died and I can't use her money to go travelling because I feel guilty.
You win.
- So where is it you wanna go? - Hiking in Ecuador.
Day trips to Wales aren't that expensive.
That was only the beginning.
I wanted to travel the world.
Louise has made me feel selfish - selling my mum's house to go travelling.
- Well, you are.
What's wrong with that? - It's sick.
I should be sat moping, I should be at her graveside tending flowers.
- And Flo would like that? - She never spoke about it.
She thought I'd die before her.
She was never a grave-tending, mopy woman.
She was a slave-vending, gropy woman.
I know, but Louise has made me feel like I should be the dutiful daughter.
She'd want you to be happy.
I think you'd be granting her dying wish.
- Do you think? - Yeah.
Although her dying wish was probably, "I wish that truck wasn't coming at me so fast.
" - I'm gonna book this trip.
- It'll be great.
I will.
Not just to Ecuador.
I'm packing in college, my job.
I'll go round the world.
- You should.
- I'll phone 'em right now.
Thanks.
- I've never been so excited.
- Wanna hear something more exciting? - Yes.
- I'm getting married.
What, again? Norma's said she saw you kissing that little squeaky biffer.
- Why her and not me? - What? What's up with me, eh? Is it because I rammed your brother in that swing? Aah.
I couldn't help it.
He was annoying me.
"Higher, higher, faster, faster.
" I just can't shag that quickly.
- I didn't want to do it.
- Then you just don't fancy me.
Nobody fancies me.
Why not? What's wrong with me, eh? - I'll never get a boyfriend.
- I've already got a girlfriend.
Donna.
You think I'm ugly.
(High-pitched whining) Oh, bollocks.
In for a penny, in for a pound, eh? Hey! Hey? Nobody cares.
Always the bridegroom, never the bride.
Jonny, hello.
Oh, God, what a day.
I know.
Nobody cares about us getting married.
So? It's not new to them, is it? The point of news it that it's new s.
We've been engaged before.
We should not get married until I think of something to make 'em go, "Wow, that's some news, Jonny.
Check out those tidings.
"Ahoy, call the Fire Brigade, this is hot.
" Nobody speaks like that other than you.
We could do it underwater.
That'd be news.
- Been done.
- At a football stadium.
Been done.
On fire.
- Not been done, but resulting in death.
- At least it'd be news.
- We could do it whilst I was pregnant.
- Now, that is unoriginal.
What would be news is if the groom was actually the father.
He is.
Jonny What, you? Yeah.
Four weeks.
Four weeks old.
What, you You've done a test and It's not like when you got your dates mixed up? Or when you craved Big Macs and it just turned out you were a greedy bastard? No, it's not like that.
I'm having a baby.
There's your news.
Corinthian.
We shall name him Corinthian.
After our Action Man.
Would I be right in thinking you've pissed on that? It's ace, Donna, it really is.
Will you come with me? Can you get time off? Yeah, I reckon so.
Munch should be pretty competent.
- Well, once he gets out of that swing.
- I can't wait.
After all the bad news, it's great to have something to look forward to.
I know.
After the day I've had, I'll be glad of a trip to Wales.
It's my fault, isn't it? I'm sorry my mum's death's made me such a nightmare.
Oh, I sound like Liza Minnelli.
Nah, you grieve as much as you want.
Go ahead, I'll look after you.
Thanks, Gaz.
So what made your day so hard if it wasn't me? That bloody Louise.
She wanted to tell Jonny about me and Janet sleeping together.
It's a bloody nightmare.
Got a right gob on her, hasn't she? I am truly sorry I slept with Janet.
Donna? I know what happened.
Oh, sorry, sorry, sorry.
Flat seems to empty without Donna.
Would you like me to shag you in it? We can't pick up the pieces of our friendship till you've picked up the pieces of your teeth.
I'm pregnant.
Haven't you figured it out? Janet's having your baby.