Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps (2001) s06e04 Episode Script
Cauliflower
Hey, Mr Bartender, give me a drink I want a cold, wet glass with bubbles in it And that doesn't mean I can't handle anything stronger now Just think I'll wait a while I'll have a pint of lager, please! And a pack of flakies! Well? Well, being married to you would be wonderful - Oh, yes! Oh, God! - Wait, Gaz You've made me the happiest man on earth.
I can't wait to tell everyone.
- Hang on.
- Eh? Did you hear that, world? She said yes! - I'm gonna be Mr Gaz Henshaw! Yes! - Gaz, please! - Whoo! - Sit down, please.
Now, what I meant to say was, I do love you - and we are highly suited, but I - Yeah! Yeah.
She said yes.
She did.
I did not say yes.
I Sorry, who am I speaking to? Yes, hello and a big shout out to all your listeners.
Um, well, yes I would like to request The Power of Love by Jennifer Rush.
Okay, thank you, love the show.
Yes, bye.
Just to clarify, that was a yes? It's a no, Gaz.
It's not the right time.
I'm not ready.
Donna, listen.
Listen, right.
I'm gonna make you say yes 'cause I love you.
And I know for as long as I live I never want another woman.
You know, except on me stag night and on holiday.
(STUTTERING) Or when you're pregnant or ill.
Or when the painters are in, you know.
Or when you're on your period.
That's it.
Oh, Jonny, what are we gonna do? Corinthian's outgrown all of his clothes.
I know.
He's a right fat bastard.
I don't want to tell you how to raise your child, but maybe it's time to swap breast milk for Diet Coke.
I mean, look at the rags he's in.
People will think we're poor.
- We are poor.
- Yes, but it's a secret.
No, it isn't.
We're known as Gyppo Jonny and his pikey wifey.
Your family can be so cruel.
I'm going to the shops to see if there's any factory seconds less than half-price.
I thought she'd never leave.
By the time your mummy gets back, you will have a whole new outfit.
Kelly! Will you look at this place? Can't you spruce it up a bit? Certainly.
Honestly! I'm meeting my real dad for the first time in my life today.
Everything's got to be perfect.
Wow! Well, how did you find him? Well, it wasn't easy.
All I had was this old photograph of him.
But if you look carefully, you can see part of Runcorn Bridge, as if it's taken from the Widnes side.
With just that, his name and address on the back, I managed to track him down.
Right, okay.
But why would you meet him in here, Louise? The only privacy in here is in the toilet cubicles, and that's only until I get the webcam fixed.
Dad insisted we met in a pub.
It had to be somewhere that sold cheap whisky, had a late licence and wasn't part of the Pubwatch banning scheme.
He's so quirky.
I couldn't afford anything.
There was a sale on in the pound shop and I still couldn't afford anything.
Well, not to worry because I have solved our clothing problem single-handed.
Ta-da! It looks like somebody burnt the flag of a colour-blind country.
- What is it? - Swaddling.
What am I supposed to do with it? Swaddle.
I thought that was implicit.
Jonny, I can see you've put an awful lot of wool into this.
- Thank you.
I have.
- But it's How can I put this delicately? Shit.
It is not.
He'll be the best-dressed baby in town.
Now, swaddle.
No, I'm not putting our child in that.
I want him to wear nice clothes.
There were these dungarees at the shop.
Little denim ones.
They were so cute.
A bit like those ones? - Which ones? - The ones in your hand.
(GASPING) - Oh, my God! - You're a thief! No.
No, I'm not! It was a mistake! They must have toppled into my clenched fist.
Mum was right.
You are a pikey wifey.
Donna, will you Hang on a minute.
(HOLDING BACK THE YEARS PLAYING) Donna, will you marry me? Am I having déjà vu? You can have anything you want.
A marquee, a band, a déjà vu, anything.
Just make me the happiest man on earth by saying yes.
Or make me the happiest woman on earth and stop asking.
Donna Donna, please.
I love you, but Hang on a minute.
(MUSIC RESUMES) Donna, please, I love you.
We're meant to be together.
You told me that yesterday.
I said no.
Yeah, but that's 'cause I didn't ask you romantically enough.
Right.
So you come back dressed as a midget boxing referee and suddenly I've changed my mind? - No, I prepared more than just the outfit.
- Like what? Look, Gaz, you know, I'm touched.
What girl wouldn't be? But please stop doing this.
I don't like to see you hurt.
It's too late for that now, innit? I am hurt.
You know what hurts the most? What causes me the most pain? - I think probably your knees.
- Yes, can you help me up, please? - Can I help you? - I certainly hope so.
I'm looking for a spirit.
A sweet, 23-year-old spirit that I'm told can only be found in this pub.
Oh, well, this Taboo's been here a while.
I wanted to sling it, but Oh no, no, no, no.
The spirit I yearn for is called Louise.
(GASPING) Daddy! Oh! I've done so little to merit the name, but yes, Louise! I am he.
Let me look at you.
Let me let you look at me.
Who would've thought a reprobate like me could sire something so beautiful? Champagne, and none of your cheap stuff.
- Darling, I Louise, I'm so sorry.
I'll have to leave.
- Oh, why? This is terribly embarrassing, but in my haste to meet you, I must have left my wallet in the taxi - I'll have to go home and get some money - Oh, don't go.
I've brought loads of money with me.
I sold my mum's morphine to some kids.
Cheeky little scamps.
But I've ordered champagne, I couldn't possibly expect you to - 20 quid? - Well, probably more like 50.
(GIGGLING) Thank you.
(CLEARING THROAT) Two glasses, is it? Yes, unless you would condescend to take a drink with us.
Oh, no.
I'm not meant to drink at work.
- I won't tell if you don't, hmm? - Oh.
Oh! Only trouble is I (WHISPERING) I left my wallet in the taxi.
Oh, no, no, no.
Don't worry about that.
You can have a tab.
Pay me next time.
(CHUCKLING) Oh! What a charming town this is.
Well, they are cute little dungars, but stealing is wrong, Janet.
But in the Bible, when Jesus robbed from the rich to give to the poor, that wasn't wrong.
Yeah, that was Robin Hood.
No, it wasn't.
Son of God, Son of God, riding through the glen Son of God, Son of God with his band of men Well, I don't think the police would see it as a moral crusade.
They'd call it stealing.
- Oh, my God! It's the first Tuesday of the month.
- So? Crimewatch! Janet, it's a pair of baby's pants.
There won't be a Crimewatch reconstruction.
Oh, no.
I won't sleep well.
I will have nightmares.
- Take them back.
Tell them it was an accident.
- Yes, I will, immediately.
Now hold on, hold on.
I've got to ask you something.
- What is it? - It's Gaz.
He's asked me to marry him, twice.
Oh, my God! Congratulations! - No.
Not congratulations, I said no.
- What? I don't want to get married yet, but he keeps asking.
- Oh, that's so sweet.
- It bloody isn't.
Every time I say no, he just gets a bit more romantic.
Oh! Stop saying, "Oh!" It's annoying.
It's like he won't stop until I've agreed to spend the rest of my life with him.
Go on! Oh! Yes, thanks for the advice, sister.
Come on, I don't see what the problem is.
Just keep saying no.
But what if he asks me like a million times? I only have to say yes once and I'm doomed.
Okay, look, try giving him one firm, definite "No".
No! Like a dog.
But don't fall for his sad, droopy little face or his shattered heart, never to recover from the hostile rejection of the only woman he ever truly loved.
BOTH: Oh! - No! - Good.
I don't understand it.
I had everything.
The lights, the music, the bow tie.
She still turned me down.
It's almost as if she's trying to tell me something.
That she doesn't wanna marry you? No! No, she wants to marry me.
I just haven't asked her right yet, you know.
- So you've come to me for advice.
- God, no.
You've done the right thing.
When it comes to pleasing women, I'm the only show in town.
E.
g.
Janet loves Matchmakers, right? So once, I bought her a box of them - That's a very beautiful story.
- Thank you.
Anyone can say, "Will you marry me?" but only you know the secret things that Donna likes.
Bubble wrap! Yes, she's like popping the little bubbles in bubble wrap.
Well, who doesn't? There you go.
You propose in a field of bubble wrap.
Hey, where do they grow that stuff? Cheers.
And for my third birthday, I got A La Carte Kitchen.
And for my fourth birthday, I got Girl's World.
- And for my fifth birthday - There's so much to learn.
Oh, Dad.
All right, Louise? Who's your buddy? If you must know, he's my dad.
We're catching up on the lost years.
Do you mind leaving us to a Hello! - Hiya! - And who might you be? Jonny, Dad.
Dad, Jonny.
- Hello - Brian, please.
Won't you join us? - I'm sure Jonny's far too busy - Yeah, all right.
- Hello.
- Can I help you? Yes.
You see, I've had a slight accident involving pants.
- I'd like to return these to you.
- Have you got a receipt? - Well, no.
Because, you see - No receipt, right.
- And that's not even one of our bags.
- No, it's one Jonny uses to carry meat.
But that hasn't affected these in any way.
Then I'm sorry, but if you can't prove they're from this store, then I can't take them back.
- Please just take my pants! - No! Dennis.
Take my tiny baby's pants! - I suggest you remove yourself from the premises.
- But these are - Dennis, take her out.
- No, it's fine.
I'll remove myself, Dennis.
There's no need for you to be a menace.
- Today is a special day.
- Yeah.
It must be amazing to walk into a pub and find the person you've been looking for - your whole life.
- Yes, Jonny.
It is.
Isn't it time you were off, Jonny? As long as the drink's free, so am I.
You don't want to take advantage, though, do you? Oh, no, no.
I'm the one taking advantage of Jonny's company.
You can take advantage of me whenever you like, Brian.
Jonny, surely you should go home to your wife.
Oh.
You're You're married.
Yeah, yeah.
But, well, between you and me, I sometimes wish I wasn't.
- So do I, Jonny.
- All right.
I made her this swaddling, right? - To swaddle with.
- Yeah.
I knitted it specially, but does she care? Oh! Jonny, it's magnificent! Well, you might as well have it, then.
Oh! It smells glorious.
I am deeply moved.
What could I ever do to show you my gratitude? You could always empty your nuts for me, Brian.
- Donna? - No! Donna, listen, what's your favourite romantic flowers? No! Oh, come on, it's for your Your passport application.
No, it isn't.
It's for the next time you propose.
Well, let me save you the bother.
No.
And the time after that, no.
And the time after that Oh, just, just give me a moment to be entirely lexically appropriate.
Uh, no! I'm only messing.
I know you don't wanna marry me.
I don't.
Yeah, you're right.
We're too young.
There's loads we don't know about each other.
- That's right.
- Like, what's your favourite romantic flowers? Most romantic food.
Most romantic piece of music.
Actually, if you could just fill this questionnaire I've done in There you go.
- Gaz, what are you doing? - Nothing.
You're measuring the circumference of my ring finger.
Yes, but not for a ring, obviously, 'cause I'm not gonna propose.
Measuring for something else that goes on your finger, you know, specifically, a finger puppet.
Okay, Gaz, fine.
If you're not going to propose, I will answer your questionnaire with frank and honest responses.
Thank you.
(DOOR CLOSING) She doesn't suspect a thing.
Hmm.
Brian's nuts are really salty.
They wouldn't take my tiny baby's pants.
So, Corinthian, you may keep them along with this really cute dinky little T-shirt.
Janet, just because Jesus robbed from the rich, doesn't mean you can.
But they were rude to me.
Janet, if people got robbed every time they were rude, the Americans would have nothing left.
Well, the baby needs clothes, Jonny.
And it suits him.
And it was easy.
And fun.
So you're going to do it again? - Just until Corinthian stops growing.
- That's 18 years! Coincidentally the maximum penalty for shoplifting.
- You do not get 18 years for shoplifting.
- You do in Iraq.
And thanks to you we can never holiday there.
Now, if you please, I'm going to spend some time with Brian.
Good day.
Who the hell is Brian? How you getting on with that questionnaire? What, the non-proposal-related just-getting-to-know-you questionnaire? - That's the one.
- I've done it.
"Top romantic meal: Cauliflower.
"Favourite romantic flower: Cauliflower.
" What's your favourite romantic colour? Oh, orange, bright orange, electric orange.
It's so evocative, it makes you think of oranges.
What's your most romantic piece of music? Well, that would have to be Harold Faltermeyer's evergreen classic, Axel F.
- Are you serious about these answers? - Completely.
We've got so much more in common than I ever realised.
I'd like to talk about you and my mum.
I mean, why didn't you stay? Was she not your type? All right, Louise, I suppose it's time you were told the truth.
The fact of the matter is this.
When your mother and I Jonny? That's it.
My wife does not understand me.
Oh, God! - Jonny, drink? - Oh, thanks.
You know, marriage is all right, but sometimes I just need to be with men.
- You understand, Brian.
- More than you know, Jonny.
- Cheers.
- Oh, cheers.
- Cheers! Oh! - Louise, darling.
What are you doing? I spent months working on that.
- For God's sake, Jonny, it's a piece of rag.
- And now you've ruined it.
- She's so clumsy.
- Clumsy.
That's right.
I'm so very clumsy, aren't I? Always making a mess.
Oops! Darling, what on earth are you do Oh, look how it's sticking to the contours of my body! I'm so sorry, Jonny.
You're going to have to go home and get changed.
Well, I don't see why.
I don't wanna go home.
Once you're out, you're out.
(STUTTERING) That's right, Jonny.
You seem to have spilt some on your trousers.
Oh yes, so I did, yeah.
Jonny, can't you see what's going on here? - What? - Dad is trying to get rid of you.
- He's just too polite to say so.
- No, no, I'm not.
You see? Why can't you just leave us alone? Go get your own dad and take your swaddling with you.
Darling! Well, if that's what you want, you only have to say so.
- See you, Brian.
- Goodbye, Jonny.
Or is it au revoir? Au revoir, eh? I do like a bit of French.
Go on, Dad, you were just about to tell me about why you and Mum split up.
- Not now, darling.
- Daddy, tell me! All right, fine.
Because I'm a poof and a pisshead! And I bid you goodbye! - Oh, it's you.
- Just passing.
I've been doing some shopping.
- Shopping? - Shoplifting.
- Bloody hell, Janet.
- Oh, come on, Donna.
I'm not hurting anyone.
Who suffers? Only those fat cat market-stall holders.
What's up with you today? Has Gaz proposed again? Well, not yet.
But I can feel one coming.
Well, you never know, you might say yes.
Men can be dead romantic sometimes.
You know, once, Jonny bought me a box of Matchmakers So, are you going to continue riding your one-woman crimewave on your surfboard of shame? In a word, yes.
Look, I've told you before, Donna, I'm providing for my baby.
- Who can judge me for that? - Um, a judge.
Well, I can live with my conscience, Donna.
I'm not the one breaking a man's heart.
(PANTING) Jonny, that's Not planning on leaving the house, are you? If you're referring to my apparel, then it's your fault.
Since you've been on your stealing spree, you've neglected the washing and this is the only clean top in the house.
- But there's loads of - The only clean top in the house.
- Where is it? What have you done with it? - With what? My swaddling.
You've stolen it from me.
- Jonny, I've not even been here.
- Stolen.
And all because you're jealous of my relationship with Brian.
- Who the hell is Brian? - Give it back, you klepto! Jonny, I've not stolen your swaddling.
Look, nappies, vests, socks, but no swaddling.
Look, bibs, mittens, Donna's purse, Donna's watch.
Pencil Oh, my God! I've stolen a pencil.
(GASPS) And loads of Donna's stuff, too! Oh, my God, I am a kleptomaniac! - Ha! - Oh, God, this is where the madness stops.
I'm taking back everything I've stolen.
And this time I won't take no for an answer.
God.
- You all right? - Hello.
- No flowers? - No.
That's a relief.
I thought you were gonna ask me to marry you again.
- I am.
- What? Look, Donna, when you turned me down last time, I thought of a hundred ways to sweep you off your feet.
You know, I could have had a band of minstrels, ice sculptures and I could have had the Red Arrows fly past and write your name in the sky, but they'd all be tricks, you know, and I don't want to trick you.
Plus it'd cost a fortune.
I can only offer you my heart and my life because, you know, without you they're rubbish.
Marry me, Donna, please.
Yes.
Pardon? - Yes.
- Yes! - Now come with me.
- Well, where? Now I do get to sweep you off your feet.
Come on.
Oh, here we go.
Back again.
Yes, I am back.
And you were very rude to me last time.
So, here, this time I'm making you accept it.
- I've told you, we don't take things - Listen, woman.
If that's what you are.
I stole the dungarees.
It was accidental, but I stole them.
Now, you take those back or I'll report you to the government.
- Now! - Okay.
Okay.
Fine.
If they're our stock, then But this is What is this? (KNOCKING ON DOOR) - Oh, Jonny.
Are you alone? - Hello, Brian.
Yeah, I'm alone.
So am I, Jonny.
So very alone.
I've got no one, Jonny.
No one who understands me.
- What about Louise? - Who? Your daughter.
I thought it was a very touching reunion.
Would you like a touching reunion, Jonny? How do you know where I live? Oh, the stars in the sky pointed me directly to you, Jonny.
- So you followed me home? - Well, yes, a bit.
I've never met anyone quite like you, Jonny.
I mean, you make me feel like I'm (STUTTERING) If I could just stop you there? - Yes.
- Are you a gay? A man wouldn't have to be homosexual to be captivated by you.
(CHUCKLING) - Are you, though? - Well, yes.
Okay, because I'm not.
- Are you quite sure? - Yeah, I'm completely sure.
I don't know what gave you that idea.
Well, then - Then I suppose I shall be on my way.
- Yeah.
- I'll see you around.
- No, Jonny.
I'm leaving for good.
When you've known rejection the way I have, the only answer is to move on.
- What about Louise? - Oh, sod her! She'll get over it.
Walk on.
Walk on.
Okay, turn here.
- Ready? - Yeah.
Ta-da! Oh, we're at the pub.
Yes, I know.
For this is where I sweep you off your feet.
Well, that's great, but I've already said yes.
Not for this.
It isn't for the proposal.
- For an engagement party! - No.
No, even better.
Today - is the day - Yes? of our wedding day.
What do you think, Donna, eh? Just like you'd always imagined.
Look, look, look, bubble wrap! I even remembered your favourite colour.
Look.
Orange.
And the smell.
Come on, it's your favourite.
Cauliflower! Yeah, there's enough here for everyone.
Kelly, the music please.
(AXEL F PLAYING ON STEREO) Right, now, I know what you're thinking.
No, you don't.
Where's the vicar? Well, it turns out barmaids are licensed to conduct weddings in their own pubs for a tenner.
- How could you possibly - I know, it's good, innit? It's the ugliest thing I have ever seen.
The reason I have never taken drugs is to avoid experiences like this.
(STUTTERING) But it's all your favourite things.
It bloody isn't.
Never speak to me again! Hey, Donna, no.
I've booked KFC for the reception.
I can't wait to tell everyone.
- Hang on.
- Eh? Did you hear that, world? She said yes! - I'm gonna be Mr Gaz Henshaw! Yes! - Gaz, please! - Whoo! - Sit down, please.
Now, what I meant to say was, I do love you - and we are highly suited, but I - Yeah! Yeah.
She said yes.
She did.
I did not say yes.
I Sorry, who am I speaking to? Yes, hello and a big shout out to all your listeners.
Um, well, yes I would like to request The Power of Love by Jennifer Rush.
Okay, thank you, love the show.
Yes, bye.
Just to clarify, that was a yes? It's a no, Gaz.
It's not the right time.
I'm not ready.
Donna, listen.
Listen, right.
I'm gonna make you say yes 'cause I love you.
And I know for as long as I live I never want another woman.
You know, except on me stag night and on holiday.
(STUTTERING) Or when you're pregnant or ill.
Or when the painters are in, you know.
Or when you're on your period.
That's it.
Oh, Jonny, what are we gonna do? Corinthian's outgrown all of his clothes.
I know.
He's a right fat bastard.
I don't want to tell you how to raise your child, but maybe it's time to swap breast milk for Diet Coke.
I mean, look at the rags he's in.
People will think we're poor.
- We are poor.
- Yes, but it's a secret.
No, it isn't.
We're known as Gyppo Jonny and his pikey wifey.
Your family can be so cruel.
I'm going to the shops to see if there's any factory seconds less than half-price.
I thought she'd never leave.
By the time your mummy gets back, you will have a whole new outfit.
Kelly! Will you look at this place? Can't you spruce it up a bit? Certainly.
Honestly! I'm meeting my real dad for the first time in my life today.
Everything's got to be perfect.
Wow! Well, how did you find him? Well, it wasn't easy.
All I had was this old photograph of him.
But if you look carefully, you can see part of Runcorn Bridge, as if it's taken from the Widnes side.
With just that, his name and address on the back, I managed to track him down.
Right, okay.
But why would you meet him in here, Louise? The only privacy in here is in the toilet cubicles, and that's only until I get the webcam fixed.
Dad insisted we met in a pub.
It had to be somewhere that sold cheap whisky, had a late licence and wasn't part of the Pubwatch banning scheme.
He's so quirky.
I couldn't afford anything.
There was a sale on in the pound shop and I still couldn't afford anything.
Well, not to worry because I have solved our clothing problem single-handed.
Ta-da! It looks like somebody burnt the flag of a colour-blind country.
- What is it? - Swaddling.
What am I supposed to do with it? Swaddle.
I thought that was implicit.
Jonny, I can see you've put an awful lot of wool into this.
- Thank you.
I have.
- But it's How can I put this delicately? Shit.
It is not.
He'll be the best-dressed baby in town.
Now, swaddle.
No, I'm not putting our child in that.
I want him to wear nice clothes.
There were these dungarees at the shop.
Little denim ones.
They were so cute.
A bit like those ones? - Which ones? - The ones in your hand.
(GASPING) - Oh, my God! - You're a thief! No.
No, I'm not! It was a mistake! They must have toppled into my clenched fist.
Mum was right.
You are a pikey wifey.
Donna, will you Hang on a minute.
(HOLDING BACK THE YEARS PLAYING) Donna, will you marry me? Am I having déjà vu? You can have anything you want.
A marquee, a band, a déjà vu, anything.
Just make me the happiest man on earth by saying yes.
Or make me the happiest woman on earth and stop asking.
Donna Donna, please.
I love you, but Hang on a minute.
(MUSIC RESUMES) Donna, please, I love you.
We're meant to be together.
You told me that yesterday.
I said no.
Yeah, but that's 'cause I didn't ask you romantically enough.
Right.
So you come back dressed as a midget boxing referee and suddenly I've changed my mind? - No, I prepared more than just the outfit.
- Like what? Look, Gaz, you know, I'm touched.
What girl wouldn't be? But please stop doing this.
I don't like to see you hurt.
It's too late for that now, innit? I am hurt.
You know what hurts the most? What causes me the most pain? - I think probably your knees.
- Yes, can you help me up, please? - Can I help you? - I certainly hope so.
I'm looking for a spirit.
A sweet, 23-year-old spirit that I'm told can only be found in this pub.
Oh, well, this Taboo's been here a while.
I wanted to sling it, but Oh no, no, no, no.
The spirit I yearn for is called Louise.
(GASPING) Daddy! Oh! I've done so little to merit the name, but yes, Louise! I am he.
Let me look at you.
Let me let you look at me.
Who would've thought a reprobate like me could sire something so beautiful? Champagne, and none of your cheap stuff.
- Darling, I Louise, I'm so sorry.
I'll have to leave.
- Oh, why? This is terribly embarrassing, but in my haste to meet you, I must have left my wallet in the taxi - I'll have to go home and get some money - Oh, don't go.
I've brought loads of money with me.
I sold my mum's morphine to some kids.
Cheeky little scamps.
But I've ordered champagne, I couldn't possibly expect you to - 20 quid? - Well, probably more like 50.
(GIGGLING) Thank you.
(CLEARING THROAT) Two glasses, is it? Yes, unless you would condescend to take a drink with us.
Oh, no.
I'm not meant to drink at work.
- I won't tell if you don't, hmm? - Oh.
Oh! Only trouble is I (WHISPERING) I left my wallet in the taxi.
Oh, no, no, no.
Don't worry about that.
You can have a tab.
Pay me next time.
(CHUCKLING) Oh! What a charming town this is.
Well, they are cute little dungars, but stealing is wrong, Janet.
But in the Bible, when Jesus robbed from the rich to give to the poor, that wasn't wrong.
Yeah, that was Robin Hood.
No, it wasn't.
Son of God, Son of God, riding through the glen Son of God, Son of God with his band of men Well, I don't think the police would see it as a moral crusade.
They'd call it stealing.
- Oh, my God! It's the first Tuesday of the month.
- So? Crimewatch! Janet, it's a pair of baby's pants.
There won't be a Crimewatch reconstruction.
Oh, no.
I won't sleep well.
I will have nightmares.
- Take them back.
Tell them it was an accident.
- Yes, I will, immediately.
Now hold on, hold on.
I've got to ask you something.
- What is it? - It's Gaz.
He's asked me to marry him, twice.
Oh, my God! Congratulations! - No.
Not congratulations, I said no.
- What? I don't want to get married yet, but he keeps asking.
- Oh, that's so sweet.
- It bloody isn't.
Every time I say no, he just gets a bit more romantic.
Oh! Stop saying, "Oh!" It's annoying.
It's like he won't stop until I've agreed to spend the rest of my life with him.
Go on! Oh! Yes, thanks for the advice, sister.
Come on, I don't see what the problem is.
Just keep saying no.
But what if he asks me like a million times? I only have to say yes once and I'm doomed.
Okay, look, try giving him one firm, definite "No".
No! Like a dog.
But don't fall for his sad, droopy little face or his shattered heart, never to recover from the hostile rejection of the only woman he ever truly loved.
BOTH: Oh! - No! - Good.
I don't understand it.
I had everything.
The lights, the music, the bow tie.
She still turned me down.
It's almost as if she's trying to tell me something.
That she doesn't wanna marry you? No! No, she wants to marry me.
I just haven't asked her right yet, you know.
- So you've come to me for advice.
- God, no.
You've done the right thing.
When it comes to pleasing women, I'm the only show in town.
E.
g.
Janet loves Matchmakers, right? So once, I bought her a box of them - That's a very beautiful story.
- Thank you.
Anyone can say, "Will you marry me?" but only you know the secret things that Donna likes.
Bubble wrap! Yes, she's like popping the little bubbles in bubble wrap.
Well, who doesn't? There you go.
You propose in a field of bubble wrap.
Hey, where do they grow that stuff? Cheers.
And for my third birthday, I got A La Carte Kitchen.
And for my fourth birthday, I got Girl's World.
- And for my fifth birthday - There's so much to learn.
Oh, Dad.
All right, Louise? Who's your buddy? If you must know, he's my dad.
We're catching up on the lost years.
Do you mind leaving us to a Hello! - Hiya! - And who might you be? Jonny, Dad.
Dad, Jonny.
- Hello - Brian, please.
Won't you join us? - I'm sure Jonny's far too busy - Yeah, all right.
- Hello.
- Can I help you? Yes.
You see, I've had a slight accident involving pants.
- I'd like to return these to you.
- Have you got a receipt? - Well, no.
Because, you see - No receipt, right.
- And that's not even one of our bags.
- No, it's one Jonny uses to carry meat.
But that hasn't affected these in any way.
Then I'm sorry, but if you can't prove they're from this store, then I can't take them back.
- Please just take my pants! - No! Dennis.
Take my tiny baby's pants! - I suggest you remove yourself from the premises.
- But these are - Dennis, take her out.
- No, it's fine.
I'll remove myself, Dennis.
There's no need for you to be a menace.
- Today is a special day.
- Yeah.
It must be amazing to walk into a pub and find the person you've been looking for - your whole life.
- Yes, Jonny.
It is.
Isn't it time you were off, Jonny? As long as the drink's free, so am I.
You don't want to take advantage, though, do you? Oh, no, no.
I'm the one taking advantage of Jonny's company.
You can take advantage of me whenever you like, Brian.
Jonny, surely you should go home to your wife.
Oh.
You're You're married.
Yeah, yeah.
But, well, between you and me, I sometimes wish I wasn't.
- So do I, Jonny.
- All right.
I made her this swaddling, right? - To swaddle with.
- Yeah.
I knitted it specially, but does she care? Oh! Jonny, it's magnificent! Well, you might as well have it, then.
Oh! It smells glorious.
I am deeply moved.
What could I ever do to show you my gratitude? You could always empty your nuts for me, Brian.
- Donna? - No! Donna, listen, what's your favourite romantic flowers? No! Oh, come on, it's for your Your passport application.
No, it isn't.
It's for the next time you propose.
Well, let me save you the bother.
No.
And the time after that, no.
And the time after that Oh, just, just give me a moment to be entirely lexically appropriate.
Uh, no! I'm only messing.
I know you don't wanna marry me.
I don't.
Yeah, you're right.
We're too young.
There's loads we don't know about each other.
- That's right.
- Like, what's your favourite romantic flowers? Most romantic food.
Most romantic piece of music.
Actually, if you could just fill this questionnaire I've done in There you go.
- Gaz, what are you doing? - Nothing.
You're measuring the circumference of my ring finger.
Yes, but not for a ring, obviously, 'cause I'm not gonna propose.
Measuring for something else that goes on your finger, you know, specifically, a finger puppet.
Okay, Gaz, fine.
If you're not going to propose, I will answer your questionnaire with frank and honest responses.
Thank you.
(DOOR CLOSING) She doesn't suspect a thing.
Hmm.
Brian's nuts are really salty.
They wouldn't take my tiny baby's pants.
So, Corinthian, you may keep them along with this really cute dinky little T-shirt.
Janet, just because Jesus robbed from the rich, doesn't mean you can.
But they were rude to me.
Janet, if people got robbed every time they were rude, the Americans would have nothing left.
Well, the baby needs clothes, Jonny.
And it suits him.
And it was easy.
And fun.
So you're going to do it again? - Just until Corinthian stops growing.
- That's 18 years! Coincidentally the maximum penalty for shoplifting.
- You do not get 18 years for shoplifting.
- You do in Iraq.
And thanks to you we can never holiday there.
Now, if you please, I'm going to spend some time with Brian.
Good day.
Who the hell is Brian? How you getting on with that questionnaire? What, the non-proposal-related just-getting-to-know-you questionnaire? - That's the one.
- I've done it.
"Top romantic meal: Cauliflower.
"Favourite romantic flower: Cauliflower.
" What's your favourite romantic colour? Oh, orange, bright orange, electric orange.
It's so evocative, it makes you think of oranges.
What's your most romantic piece of music? Well, that would have to be Harold Faltermeyer's evergreen classic, Axel F.
- Are you serious about these answers? - Completely.
We've got so much more in common than I ever realised.
I'd like to talk about you and my mum.
I mean, why didn't you stay? Was she not your type? All right, Louise, I suppose it's time you were told the truth.
The fact of the matter is this.
When your mother and I Jonny? That's it.
My wife does not understand me.
Oh, God! - Jonny, drink? - Oh, thanks.
You know, marriage is all right, but sometimes I just need to be with men.
- You understand, Brian.
- More than you know, Jonny.
- Cheers.
- Oh, cheers.
- Cheers! Oh! - Louise, darling.
What are you doing? I spent months working on that.
- For God's sake, Jonny, it's a piece of rag.
- And now you've ruined it.
- She's so clumsy.
- Clumsy.
That's right.
I'm so very clumsy, aren't I? Always making a mess.
Oops! Darling, what on earth are you do Oh, look how it's sticking to the contours of my body! I'm so sorry, Jonny.
You're going to have to go home and get changed.
Well, I don't see why.
I don't wanna go home.
Once you're out, you're out.
(STUTTERING) That's right, Jonny.
You seem to have spilt some on your trousers.
Oh yes, so I did, yeah.
Jonny, can't you see what's going on here? - What? - Dad is trying to get rid of you.
- He's just too polite to say so.
- No, no, I'm not.
You see? Why can't you just leave us alone? Go get your own dad and take your swaddling with you.
Darling! Well, if that's what you want, you only have to say so.
- See you, Brian.
- Goodbye, Jonny.
Or is it au revoir? Au revoir, eh? I do like a bit of French.
Go on, Dad, you were just about to tell me about why you and Mum split up.
- Not now, darling.
- Daddy, tell me! All right, fine.
Because I'm a poof and a pisshead! And I bid you goodbye! - Oh, it's you.
- Just passing.
I've been doing some shopping.
- Shopping? - Shoplifting.
- Bloody hell, Janet.
- Oh, come on, Donna.
I'm not hurting anyone.
Who suffers? Only those fat cat market-stall holders.
What's up with you today? Has Gaz proposed again? Well, not yet.
But I can feel one coming.
Well, you never know, you might say yes.
Men can be dead romantic sometimes.
You know, once, Jonny bought me a box of Matchmakers So, are you going to continue riding your one-woman crimewave on your surfboard of shame? In a word, yes.
Look, I've told you before, Donna, I'm providing for my baby.
- Who can judge me for that? - Um, a judge.
Well, I can live with my conscience, Donna.
I'm not the one breaking a man's heart.
(PANTING) Jonny, that's Not planning on leaving the house, are you? If you're referring to my apparel, then it's your fault.
Since you've been on your stealing spree, you've neglected the washing and this is the only clean top in the house.
- But there's loads of - The only clean top in the house.
- Where is it? What have you done with it? - With what? My swaddling.
You've stolen it from me.
- Jonny, I've not even been here.
- Stolen.
And all because you're jealous of my relationship with Brian.
- Who the hell is Brian? - Give it back, you klepto! Jonny, I've not stolen your swaddling.
Look, nappies, vests, socks, but no swaddling.
Look, bibs, mittens, Donna's purse, Donna's watch.
Pencil Oh, my God! I've stolen a pencil.
(GASPS) And loads of Donna's stuff, too! Oh, my God, I am a kleptomaniac! - Ha! - Oh, God, this is where the madness stops.
I'm taking back everything I've stolen.
And this time I won't take no for an answer.
God.
- You all right? - Hello.
- No flowers? - No.
That's a relief.
I thought you were gonna ask me to marry you again.
- I am.
- What? Look, Donna, when you turned me down last time, I thought of a hundred ways to sweep you off your feet.
You know, I could have had a band of minstrels, ice sculptures and I could have had the Red Arrows fly past and write your name in the sky, but they'd all be tricks, you know, and I don't want to trick you.
Plus it'd cost a fortune.
I can only offer you my heart and my life because, you know, without you they're rubbish.
Marry me, Donna, please.
Yes.
Pardon? - Yes.
- Yes! - Now come with me.
- Well, where? Now I do get to sweep you off your feet.
Come on.
Oh, here we go.
Back again.
Yes, I am back.
And you were very rude to me last time.
So, here, this time I'm making you accept it.
- I've told you, we don't take things - Listen, woman.
If that's what you are.
I stole the dungarees.
It was accidental, but I stole them.
Now, you take those back or I'll report you to the government.
- Now! - Okay.
Okay.
Fine.
If they're our stock, then But this is What is this? (KNOCKING ON DOOR) - Oh, Jonny.
Are you alone? - Hello, Brian.
Yeah, I'm alone.
So am I, Jonny.
So very alone.
I've got no one, Jonny.
No one who understands me.
- What about Louise? - Who? Your daughter.
I thought it was a very touching reunion.
Would you like a touching reunion, Jonny? How do you know where I live? Oh, the stars in the sky pointed me directly to you, Jonny.
- So you followed me home? - Well, yes, a bit.
I've never met anyone quite like you, Jonny.
I mean, you make me feel like I'm (STUTTERING) If I could just stop you there? - Yes.
- Are you a gay? A man wouldn't have to be homosexual to be captivated by you.
(CHUCKLING) - Are you, though? - Well, yes.
Okay, because I'm not.
- Are you quite sure? - Yeah, I'm completely sure.
I don't know what gave you that idea.
Well, then - Then I suppose I shall be on my way.
- Yeah.
- I'll see you around.
- No, Jonny.
I'm leaving for good.
When you've known rejection the way I have, the only answer is to move on.
- What about Louise? - Oh, sod her! She'll get over it.
Walk on.
Walk on.
Okay, turn here.
- Ready? - Yeah.
Ta-da! Oh, we're at the pub.
Yes, I know.
For this is where I sweep you off your feet.
Well, that's great, but I've already said yes.
Not for this.
It isn't for the proposal.
- For an engagement party! - No.
No, even better.
Today - is the day - Yes? of our wedding day.
What do you think, Donna, eh? Just like you'd always imagined.
Look, look, look, bubble wrap! I even remembered your favourite colour.
Look.
Orange.
And the smell.
Come on, it's your favourite.
Cauliflower! Yeah, there's enough here for everyone.
Kelly, the music please.
(AXEL F PLAYING ON STEREO) Right, now, I know what you're thinking.
No, you don't.
Where's the vicar? Well, it turns out barmaids are licensed to conduct weddings in their own pubs for a tenner.
- How could you possibly - I know, it's good, innit? It's the ugliest thing I have ever seen.
The reason I have never taken drugs is to avoid experiences like this.
(STUTTERING) But it's all your favourite things.
It bloody isn't.
Never speak to me again! Hey, Donna, no.
I've booked KFC for the reception.