Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps (2001) s06e10 Episode Script

Hey, Mr Bartender, give me a drink I want a cold, wet glass with bubbles in it And that doesn't mean I can't handle anything stronger now Just think I'll wait a while I'll have a pint of lager, please! And a pack of flakies! (FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING) Best kip ever.
Oh, tea time.
(SIGHING) God, I love crisps.
(WIND BLOWING) Well, that's unusual.
(EXCLAIMING) (BREATHING HARD) Outside or cellar? Outside or cellar? (SCREAMING) Well, I didn't know The Archer was cursed.
- Cursed? - Why, yes, cursed.
Says here, it was built on an old Indian burial ground.
An old Indian burial ground? Why yes, an old Indian burial ground.
So Native Americans came over here to Runcorn to bury their dead? Strangely enough, why yes.
When? Apparently, what happened was this.
Before America was discovered, some Native Americans built a boat and sailed to England.
Bypassing all of Ireland.
They docked in Liverpool, caught some form of, I imagine, horse-based transport to Runcorn, jumped off at Canal Street and promptly died.
Then they were buried under The Archer by a passing Oh, let's say, dog.
Hence, curse.
So, what is this curse? Sounds really scary.
Let's see, says here, blah, blah Oh, everyone entering killed by the thing they love the most.
Hmm.
Yeah, that's about the size of it.
So, we up for sneaking in then? Finishing off the leftover beer? Oh, come on, one last night in The Archer.
Killed by what you love the most? But, you love me the most.
What if I turn around and kill you? Don't be silly.
I don't love you the most.
Biscuits are my money shot.
Come on, what could go wrong? Yeah, all right, Jon.
Yeah, I'll see you in a bit.
All the jobs in here are aimed at men.
I mean, why can't a woman be the head of the Frodsham Male Voice Choir? It's a bloody glass ceiling everywhere you look.
I'd love to break through that glass ceiling.
What's the matter with you? That was Jonny.
He wants to break into The Archer and drink all the leftover stock.
- That's a great idea.
- What? Didn't you read about the curse? Native Americans, Donna, you know how scary they are.
Ah, yes.
The moment I knew I truly loved you was when you soiled yourself watching Pocahontas.
Yeah, well, I can't go.
Red Indians are just frightening.
They've got scalping and wigwams and terrahawks.
- Tomahawks.
- Where? That was stupid.
I think we should do it.
Come on, Gaz.
Hey! You can shag me in the bogs like you've always wanted.
That was only because I wanted to know what women do for so long in the bathroom.
Well, it's squirt, shake, zip.
What're you doing in there, flossing it? Oh, this'll be ace.
I'll get Louise out as well.
Oh, she's never gonna believe in this curse.
Donna, it's in the newspaper, it must be true.
Look at that, a man from Widnes has married a whelk.
(THUNDER RUMBLING) (DEEP BREATHING) Come on, anyone would think you were scared or something.
I don't know why I have to be here.
I do have other friends, you know.
Like who? Oh, my God.
I'm a social piranha.
Go on.
It's all boarded up, we'll never get in.
Go on, Gaz, get the window open.
You do know this is illegal.
And, and, a little bit scary.
Gaz, remember our agreement.
Now, you get the window open so you can, your words, "Wear my thighs like a necklace.
" Right, let's do it.
Okay, go on, now you squeeze through.
I'll snag my tights.
These aren't exactly Primark you know.
They're George at Asda.
Come on, you munchkin, you're the only one who's small enough to fit through.
Haven't felt this undignified since I trumped during my smear.
And not through my bottom.
Well, I'm not sure about this at all.
It'll be brilliant, Janet.
I'm going to get so drunk.
I'm going to be so sick all over everyone.
It'll be like a wonderful, mystical fountain of vomit.
Pleasant.
Right, Louise, let us in the side door! LOUISE: It's dark.
I can't see anything.
(LOUISE SCREAMING) Louise, what happened? Look, I knew this was a bad idea.
Can we please just all go home? Are you okay? There's a ladder in my tights.
For God's sakes, just let us in the side door or we'll report you to the Lollipop Guild! Oh, God! (EXCLAIMING) Ah, this is the best idea I've ever had.
Hey, you're not wrong there, matey.
Come on.
This is gonna be so brilliant.
Yeah.
(THUNDER RUMBLING) (BLEATING) Oh, my Wait Oh, for (THUDDING) It's me.
Booze, where's me free booze? Here, let's have some music.
Oh, someone's got the plug off.
(HEAVY RUMBLING) I've got a bad feeling about this.
(CREAKING) Something's wrong.
Ah, just as I thought.
Lipstick on my teeth.
All better now.
Jonny, where's the booze? Oh, there isn't any.
And where's the free nuts? I was expecting free nuts.
I want my free nuts.
What kind of fresh hell is this? Are we on a boat? (METALLIC CLANKING) You don't think that curse is real, do you? No, no, no, of course not.
I mean, how could it be? Here's Jonny! Ahhh! Get away from me! - Fucking kill him! - I'm joking, you knobhead.
Jonny, don't do that.
(CREAKING) I wanna go, Jonny.
This place just doesn't feel right to me.
Don't be so bloody ridiculous, Janet.
Nobody's going to die or anything.
Anyway, you know the rules.
The black one always dies first.
And nobody here is black.
(LOUISE CHUCKLING) As a pragmatic sort of person with a great deal of self-awareness, this curse nonsense is just utterly stupid.
As if you can be killed by the thing you love.
It's absolutely asinine.
I mean, look at me.
I don't particularly love anything.
Well, I suppose I love myself but I'm hardly likely to commit suicide, am I? (BLOOD SPLATTERING) Then why would you be sawing your own leg off, Louise? (CALMLY) Oh, bother, would you look at that.
I've really snagged my tights now.
Does anybody have any clear nail varnish? - What did you do? - What the hell did you do? I'm not entirely sure.
I believe though, that I was trying to saw through my thigh.
- I'll phone an ambulance.
- Oh, shit.
You okay? I'm okay.
It's just a leg.
I was never very fond of that one, anyway.
I've been humped on more than one occasion.
- Sorry about that.
- Sorry about that.
The phone's not working.
God! Help her, she's really bleeding! Calm down, it's just a scratch.
She's not gone all the way through.
She'll be okay.
Look, Louise, you're fine, aren't you? I think I'll be (THUDDING) There you go, that's torn it! - Oh, my God.
What is she doing? - She's just having a laugh.
It's Louise, she's mental.
- Let's go! - Jonny, take me home.
- Look.
Let's go, let's just leave.
- Yeah move, Gaz.
Carry Louise.
- This is Ben Sherman, she's bleeding! - Just do it, Gaz! Hold on, what about our night together? Our last night in The Archer? She's just messing about.
Louise, you didn't really Right.
Let's go! - Yeah, come on.
- Get out! Get out! No, no! Come on, this way.
(JUKEBOX PLAYING) Leave us alone! GAZ: Leave us alone! A lock-in.
(GASPING) I think we may have to consider the possibility that this curse actually exists.
Hey, I've never noticed this trap door before.
No, neither have I.
Yeah, 'cause that's the weirdest thing that's happened tonight.
Look, there's got to be another way out.
I'm gonna go look for one.
Not on your own, you're not.
Thanks, Gaz.
You know I do my best to stay brave for my friends and as a woman.
But sometimes I just need some support and I'm really grateful for having you in my life.
Thanks, Donna.
Jonny, go with her.
I'm not leaving Janet.
Fine, it's always muggins here who has to do everything.
- Gaz! - Sorry.
Well, there's a skylight in the gents.
We could try that, eh? Yeah.
Okay.
- Come on then.
- Okay.
(RUMBLING) Go on.
Go on.
(DOOR OPENING) Oh, God! What's going on? Jonny.
Jonny, she's still breathing.
She's still alive.
What? Louise? Louise, can you hear us? (BLOOD OOZING) (GASPING) Oh, shit! Yeah.
(WHISPERING) Oh, shit, shit.
Janet, you You realise this isn't actually a zombie curse.
She was just, you know, still alive.
And I killed her.
Oh, God! I know.
- You're a murderer! - I know.
But Well How much did we actually like her, anyway? Well, that's true.
I've just thought Do you know what that means, Jonny? - Yeah, you're a psychopath.
- Yes, but also It means that she loved me the most in all the world.
That is so incredibly sweet.
I'm so touched by that.
If you think about it, the whole killing Louise thing, I mean, it wasn't really my fault because (ROLLING) Look at the place.
Really let it go since they closed the pub, haven't they? Yeah, if you like.
(RATS SQUEAKING) Now look, Donna, I know we're in a desperate situation, right? And we're both incredibly horny, but I'm so not.
But that's the whole point of coming here.
To do it in the gents.
Look, how erotic it is.
Suffice to say, Gaz, this is the last place on earth where I would want to have sex with you.
Now, are we gonna get that skylight open? No, I'm not gonna reach that.
Anybody with any level of spatial awareness could see that you're not going to reach it that way.
Well, I don't know, do I? I thought with all the other weird shit happening I might have bionic legs.
- Come here.
Let me get on your shoulders.
- That's a better idea.
Look, Donna, right? If this doesn't work and we don't get out of here - Yeah? - I need to tell you, I love you.
Shh! The curse might hear you.
Look, there's no way you'd ever kill me, Donna.
Just isn't, I trust you.
Can we agree not to love each other until we've got out of here? In fact, do the opposite of love.
Do hate, I'll do the same for you.
Oh, it's no good.
No, I can't reach.
I'll have to stand.
Do what you need to, you stupid arsehole.
- What? - I'm trying not to love you.
Well, that's sweet, you obnoxious dickhead.
I've got it.
See, Donna? Finally breaking through that glass ceiling you're always banging on about.
You frigging munter.
It's open, you wank-stained window licker.
Brilliant, well done, you fishy piss flap.
Now just pull yourself through and get help.
That's it, good.
Just pull yourself through.
I am doing.
Yeah.
(GASPING) Did you just spit on me? I know we're not meant to be loving each other, but that's just taking the piss.
Donna We're going to be okay, aren't we, Jonny? I mean, me and you could never kill each other.
All we have to do is sit it out till dawn.
That's when the curse is lifted.
- I didn't know that.
- Yeah.
Apparently the Native Americans specified how transient the curse was.
Although they may have said, "How.
The curse is transient.
" (GURGLING) What was that? Oh, that was me.
I'm starving.
How can you be hungry? Do you reckon Louise would mind if we took a chunk out of her? Jonny! Donna's dead! She's died.
She's in there dead.
- Oh, no! - Why, what killed her? She finally broke through that glass ceiling and Oh, bollocks! We should have seen that coming! All right, look Keep calm.
From now on, none of us can afford to love anything at all.
Set emotions to hate.
- But I love you.
- I love you! Oh, yeah, great.
You two have got each other.
What have I got? Eh? Donna's dead! All that's left of her are her legs.
Her gorgeous sexy legs, the only one thing that never failed to turn me on.
What am I going to do, eh? Go to gents toilets with a fit pair of legs? With no one watching, eh? With no one else to comfort me, except meself? I'll be back in a bit.
(DOOR CLOSING) Now About your idea for eating Louise Jonny, that was your idea.
Janet, we can stand around all night discussing whose idea it was to feast on Louise's corpse, but where would that get us? The crux of the matter is we've decided to eat her.
Look, we are not eating my friends! - What - I'll check in my bag.
There must be something in there.
Well, if there isn't anything, there's always your excellent idea for eating Louise.
(JANET SIGHING) Look, check behind the bar maybe there's some nuts or crisps or something.
Is this a Dodger I see before me? Oh, you little tease.
You want me to follow you? Okay.
Jonny? (SCREAMING) Jonny? Jonny! DONNA: Gaz? Gaz.
Oh, God! Donna, you're alive.
Where are you? I'm in the first cubicle.
The one with all the alcohol-soaked homoerotic paraphernalia.
The Barrymore suite.
Donna! (THUNDER RUMBLING) (GASPING) You look fairly poorly.
Don't be like that, Gaz.
Don't you find me attractive anymore? Donna, you never looked more beautiful.
I thought you were dead.
I thought I'd never see you again.
I'll never leave you, Gaz.
Not when we have such a romantic task to complete together.
Don't know what you mean.
You were right.
We should consummate our love in a gentlemen's lavatory.
That's all I want to do.
Isn't it obvious? Well, I'd have to say, not really.
Look at you, you're completely lacking a vagina for one thing.
And there's no way I'm going to slip it in that mess of a torso.
It'll be like shagging mince.
Don't be silly, Gaz.
All you need is right next door.
If you really love me, you'd do it.
Can I just like, you know No, it's got to be this way.
Ah ha! Thought you could escape me, you saucy little minx.
Jonny! Jonny, please, just come back.
Oh! Oh, no! Oh, God! Louise.
Ugh! Oh! You were so beautiful.
Such delicate features and such a Oh, bollocks to it.
(THUDDING) Now, look, I'm not stupid.
I know you were sent to kill me, but I can't not eat you.
You're a Dodger, you wouldn't hurt me.
(SHOUTING) No, get off me! Ugh! Kelly? Kelly, what happened? (STIFLED SHOUTING) (RUSTLING) Do it, Gaz.
Do it for me.
You know you want to.
Pretty please.
If that's what you want.
- What're you waiting for? - Ahhh! DONNA: Go on.
- I can't do it.
- Yes, you can.
I can't, it's necrophilia.
- No, it's not.
- It is.
I'm not doing it.
(IMITATING CHILD) Yes, you are.
I'm not.
'Cause I don't believe this is really you, Donna.
I mean, the big clue is the fact that you're in two separate pieces and yet you're encouraging me to have sex with you.
That strikes me as a little odd.
(DONNA LAUGHING HYSTERICALLY) Go legs, go crazy on his ass.
Tell them to stop it, please! Ahhh! That's nasty.
That's quite nice.
No, it's not! Donna, just stop it, please! (THUNDER RUMBLING) For God's sake, come on then! What are you going to do, eh? How're you gonna kill me? You've taken my husband, he's gone.
You've had all my mates off! Come on, just get on with it, give me it! (RUMBLING) I really didn't mean that.
I'm so sorry to bother you.
(THUNDER RUMBLING) Now, that, to some, could've looked like a warning.
Oh, no, you don't.
I have reached my Mecca.
Sod you, normal-sized Dodger.
There's no getting rid of me, Jammy D, I'd follow you to hell and back.
If you kill me, I will feel only gratitude for the time we spent together.
(CRUNCHING) Ahhh! (GRUNTING) (SCREAMING) (SOBBING) They're all dead, I know they are.
And I loved them! (CREAKING) No, I didn't.
I hated them.
I hated them all.
I love puppies.
No.
No, they have teeth and little germs in their poo.
I love fresh air.
No, because then you could fill me with air and my lungs will burst.
The thing I love the most in all the world is (GASPING) (BIRDS CHIRPING) (CELLAR DOOR CREAKING OPEN) No, no! No! JANET: Ahhh! Help! No! No! No! No! No! Help! (HISSING) No! No! No! No! JANET: Help! Please! No! (SCREAMING) Janet, are you all right? You look like you've seen a ghost.
No.
You haven't turned into a biscuit.
Oh, thank God! It was all a dream.
(SIGHING) What do you mean?