Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps (2001) s07e04 Episode Script

I just wish I had some proper male company.
- Do you want your job back? - No.
I want your job.
- Louise, do you wanna move in with us? - Well, duh! Greetings, Mr Wilkinson.
I have returned! Munch! Hey, Mr Bartender, give me a drink I want a cold wet glass with bubbles in it And that doesn't mean I can't handle anything stronger now Just think I'll wait a while I'll have pint of lager, please And a pack of flakeys Two pints of bitter and what's yours? - I'll have a pint of lager.
- Not you.
That's nepotism.
No, it's not.
It's a fiver.
Just wait your turn.
I'm rushed off my feet.
Well, Donna, does this change your mind at all? Even just a little bit? I just wondered, you know.
Gaz Oh, my God! I know! A ring.
Is it real? No, Donna, it's fake.
I bought it off a leprechaun.
I paid him moonbeams.
Of course, it's real, you idiot! It's Elizabeth Duke.
Oh, my God! Seeing as though the Registry Office was booked Oh, yeah! I'd forgotten I'd actually have to marry you.
Tim! Tim, look.
Oh, it's as classy as Danielle Lloyd's boob job.
- Were your ears burning last night? - No.
Were you talking about me? I thought your ears might be burning from the friction of your huge and pointless hair! Suck it, sister! Tim, you can't talk to me like that.
I'm your boss.
Oh, come on! You love it.
You need the skin of a rhino in this job.
Oh, you already have one.
Two words - night cream.
Suck it, sister! Tim, just one more bitchy word from you and I'm gonna sack you.
Oh, I'm terrified.
Watch me run away sarcastically.
Ooh I shouldn't have to put up with disrespectful staff.
Oh, blow jobs are funny.
Gaz, I need your support on this.
- They're funny and extremely tasty.
- Gaz! My job's really demanding.
We're supposed to be getting married in a week.
Donna, don't worry about the wedding.
I'll take care of all that.
That'll be a real weight of my mind.
Just do one tiny little thing for me.
Is it a blow job? You're, like, psychic.
How could you know that? OK, you organise the wedding.
Nothing fancy, mind.
Just a low-key affair with splashes of cream and I'll give you as many blow jobs as you like.
Just the one will do.
Nothing fancy, mind.
Just a low-key affair with splashes of cream.
- Deal.
- Yes! Whee! And Mummy will always be there for you.
Ah, but who's this? Why, it's Daddy! Hello, Corinthian.
(Laughs ) Pooh! What's that smell? Have you messed yourself? Don't worry, son, so have I.
Jonny, you're so silly! I am not silly.
In fact, this week I intend to become a farmer.
Good day.
Well, this isn't at all creepy.
- What are you talking about? - What are you doing? You're confusing your baby and my baby and me and the invisible people who live within my head.
Hi, Tanya.
Look, I don't want Corinthian to forget about Jonny so I'm gonna remind him on a daily basis.
Look, Daddy's favourite pin-up.
Mother Teresa was Jonny's favourite pin-up? No, silly.
His pin-up's on the back.
Well, I've got to go for a scan of my baby.
I'm gonna find out the sex.
I'm so excited.
Do you wanna know the sex? Don't you want it to be a surprise? I'll be surprised by the birth.
I've heard the words ''involuntary anal expulsion'' mentioned.
(Giggles ) It'll be like a colonic.
Ciao! (Knock on door) - Oh, hi.
- Memorial stone, Jonny Keogh.
Oh, yes.
That's us.
Oh, how exciting! Howfrigging massive! Yeah! Thanks for that.
Apparently once you get married, oral sex goes out the window.
Kinky! No, I mean it goes up the spout.
Christ! Will it fit? I mean once you get married you don't have oral sex any more.
Oh Are you sure you wanna marry me? After our cheese and wine party in the pool room, definitely.
Well, you didn't whine that much.
- Just get it organised.
- All right.
Greetings, fair brother.
Munch Brilliant.
Listen, I need a best man, right? Ommm.
- Why are you doing that? - Because it's written.
Where's it written? Birmingham.
You've changed since you've been away.
I have travelled far and wide and become a much more learnedlier person.
The places I've seen, the people I've met, they've have taught me the path of righteousness and it has led me backto Runcorn.
Well, it's as good a place as any.
Who are these people, then? The people of the word.
What word? (Birmingham accent) All roight! Now if you'll excuse me, I must partake of some refreshment.
Yeah, I'll get you a Vimto in.
Donna, Vimto! I don't drink alcohol any more.
- Vimto isn't - Shh, now, little one.
You can't tempt me.
Ommm.
But I need a best man and want my brother back! The one who dipped his toast in battery acid because it tasted stingy.
The one who cried when he saw a naked lady cos her dinky had fallen off.
He hath gone.
I do not know of whom you speaketh.
I'll clout you, if you don't stop.
- Get this down you! - No! Have it! Go on! Go on, son! Have that! Hiya! Miss Brooks, you wanted to know the sex, didn't you? Yes, yes! Is it a boy? (Whispers ) I've been eating oranges.
Actually, recent reports suggest that diet doesn't affect the sex of the baby.
What are you talking about? I just thought you'd like to know what I had for breakfast.
I'm pleased to tell you you're having a baby girl.
What? But I hate girls! I wanted a boy! Go on! Get out! Shoo! Listen, right, it's good to have you back but women do not wanna stroke that.
But it's really soft.
It's like a pony's nose.
Come on.
I'll Donna, I'll see you later.
I'm just gonna organise this wedding.
- Will it be featured in Hello!? - And? - What? - I was waiting for the bitchiness.
(Posh voice ) Will it be featured in Hello! or Horse and Hound? Will it be featured in Hello! under What Are They Wearing? Will it be featured in Hello! or hi, my name is Tim, Sir Bitchy Gayness that makes Donna feel bad about herself here? - Pardon? - You're making my job hell.
- You're bullying me.
- I'm not a bully.
- You antagonise me.
- I'm not an antagoniser.
- You're a typical man.
- I'm not a Well, just lay off, Tim, OK? Life's hard enough at the minute.
I've got my job, my wedding.
I missed Diagnosis Murder yesterday.
Oh, oh, I'm sorry, Donna.
- I'll be nice.
- Thanks.
I'd get Gaz to tear you a new arsehole, if you weren't but then again you'd probably enjoy that.
Gaz? That melon-headed Neanderthal you let poke your fuzzy bits? Why are they together? Is it pity? Is it desperation? We'll never know cos when we ask them, they merely grunt and sniff each other's arse cracks.
Bugger.
- Timothy - Yes, Donna.
You're fired! Pick up your stuff and go! Fine.
Fine but you haven't heard the last of me.
And don't think you're keeping John.
- Hi, Tim.
- Janet! Loving your work.
- Oh! - I smell irony.
That got rid of him! How are you, Janet? It's nice to see you out and about.
Jonny's memorial stone just arrived.
I couldn't look at it.
It just feels like he's all I think about.
That must be really upsetting.
Is that why you're wearing his scraggy old clothes? These are my clothes.
Oh, they're really nice.
Actually, you've worked here before.
Do you want a job? Really? In here? Yeah.
Well, I need a barmaid, you need the distraction.
It'll be fun having us working together.
I would love that.
Oh, thank you, Donna! Ha! Suck it, sister! Do I have to? Is that in the job description? (Razor buzzing) Sounds like killer bees.
There.
Do you want me to do you? Buzz, buzz.
No.
I'm OK, thanks.
Oh, that's very lucky cos it's toilet time.
Don't worry, I never use toilet paper.
I'm ecologically-friendly.
I use bread.
- Munch - Don't worry.
I'll put it back in the bag when I'm done.
Honest.
Oh, no.
Multigrain.
This is gonna be pippy.
Munch Munch, wait.
What? When you came back, I was really happy.
Aw! Hugging you reminds me of hugging a very warm tree.
All right.
Listen.
I was chuffed, right because I thought I could have a best mate.
I thought I could have a best man.
I mean, you know Jonny passed away.
Who's Jonny Pastaway? No.
Jonny Jonny died.
- Oh.
To be with the angels? - Yeah.
Oh, he's so lucky.
I wish I could be with the angels.
Lucy Liu with my girl Drew.
Cameron D and Destiny.
I thought that me and you could have that kind of relationship, you know.
We can.
I can be Lucy Liu because of my Asian heritage.
I do appreciate the bean sprouts.
But we can't and you can't be my best man, unless you get less stupid.
How dare they! A girl indeed! Oh! Ooh! They've sent me a gift to compensate.
It's good to see the NHS have got their priorities sorted.
Oh (Gasps ) Oh.
Oh, that's unusual.
If she wasn't crazy before, that thing's gonna send her completely Frank Bruno.
(Door opens ) Louise! Guess what? I'm all better.
I've got a job! And do you know what? I've not even felt sad today.
Usually, I'd cry on the way past Jonny's favourite haunts, which are now literally his favourite haunts.
That's brilliant but to be sure, let me test you for madness.
Ask me anything.
I just wanna prove I'm sane.
Oh, OK.
Check this out.
- Oh, Jonny! - Oh, joy.
I I need to get back to work.
I don't need to be reminded ofJonny! (Sobs ) Wait.
Who's gonna look after you? - Dadda.
- Dadda's dead, isn't he, stupid! (Sighs ) Fine.
I'll baby-sit, then.
God, I wish I were having a boy.
You're so much more fun, what, with your willies and such like.
How am I ever gonna get used to having agirl? Corinthian, how do you feel about pink? (Giggles ) Janet, you're five minutes late.
Fill the condom machine in the gents'.
It's run out of johnnies.
Jonny! Yes, and we're expecting a delivery of spirits.
A case of Smirnoff, half a case of Johnnie Walker.
Jonny walking! - You all right? - Fine.
OK, we also need the Johnny Cash CD replacing on the jukebox.
It's scratched.
Jonny was always itchy.
There's a Johnny Depp poster someone's stuck on the glory hole in the gents'.
It needs removing with a wire brush.
It seems to be pasted on.
Excuse me, new barmaid.
Can I have some Johnny, Johnny, Johnny, Johnny, Johnny, Johnny, Johnny, Johnny, Johnny, JohnnyJohnny? What? I simply asked for a packet of cheese and onion crisps.
Oh, my God! I'm sorry, Donna.
I can't do this! Great.
That was mean! You're a cruel piece of shit, Timothy Claypole! I'm just trying to show you how much you need me.
Janet needs time to heal.
You're pushing her into a stressful job that only someone strong - John Barrowman's dead.
- Johnny! There you go.
You look lovely.
Maybe girls aren't so bad.
What a day! All I want is a hug off my son.
Don't you mean your daughter? Meet Florence.
Where did you get that? It reappeared at toilet time.
Munch magic! Much, look.
Look.
I need you to be more of a normal human being.
More like Jonny, so you can be best man at my wedding.
OK.
What did you and Jonny used to talk about? Well We used to talk about shit mostly.
OK.
Does yours ever have little tiny maggots in it? No, just like What's in the news today? Iraq or Iran.
I can never tell the difference.
I'm so stupid.
Gaz, can you tell me the difference? Course I can.
The letter Q.
- Wow! - Why are you so thick? Gaz, I've never told anyone this.
I can't read.
Oh.
Blah, blah, blah.
Gaz, this doesn't look like you're organising a wedding here.
This looks like a Mensa sub-group.
Denser.
We are.
We're organising the party favours.
Do you even know what party favours are? Of course.
It's when the registrar takes you off into the side room to sign the register.
Then you perform your wifely favour.
Then I have a party all over your face.
It's a little gift.
Oh, it is, Donna.
Truly is.
How am I gonna cope, Jonny? I've got nothing to focus my brain on.
Janet, have you got any wedding magazines? I've got What the frigging hell's that? It's Jonny's memorial stone for the grave.
Are you sure they didn't dip his body in some Polyfilla and prop him up? No, the statue doesn't have any of Jonny's growths - the warts, the carbuncles.
They have been very generous about his tiny penis.
Oh, I've got a million and one things to do for this wedding.
Well, I've planned a wedding before.
- When? - Mine! Oh, yeah.
God, that was shit, wasn't it? I could help you plan your wedding.
It would help me, focus me, get my mind off Jonny.
That's a great idea! And I need to teach Munch how to be a human.
Yeah.
I need a best man for my wedding.
Ooh.
I was kind of thinking No? How have you managed without not being able to read? That's incredible.
I tell people I'm blind.
They believe me cos I bump into things a lot.
And I have a heightened sense of smell.
That's peculiar.
Well, I can teach you how to read.
Got all the Janet and John books.
Janet and John Go To The Zoo.
Janet and John Go To The Park.
Janet and John get pissed and vomit on a Polish gentleman.
That's more of a photo album.
Well, I should do something for you.
Hey, Janet Tits has gone crazy and left.
I could work here.
(Sniggers ) He's not barman material! Not five minutes ago he tried to lick my trousers.
They had sauce on them.
If you didn't like it, you could have stopped me.
Er Well Well, you'd already started.
I didn't like to interrupt.
Munch would make a great barman because he's not a bitch, so suck it, sister! Oh, not again! Louise, don't think I've forgiven you for putting my son in a bra.
I'm sorry, Janet.
I just wanted to see what it was like having a girl.
And the answer is crap.
Yeah, well, some people shouldn't be allowed children.
You, royalty and women who get back into shape really quickly after giving birth.
Bitches.
Janet! I just don't want a girl, OK? It's different when it's your own.
How would you know? You've got a boy.
You've got one of the good ones.
Oh, I wish we were in China.
Oh! Louise, that's a terrible thing to say! I just fancied some noodles.
Why is that so terrible? Oh.
What have you got against girls anyway? Cos I'm one.
I know what it's like being a woman.
You get passed over for promotion, you get ignored in conversation.
We can't even vote.
I can't bring another woman into this world.
Bollocks! You love being a woman.
The clothes and the hair and the way we scare men with the word ''cramps''.
What's the real reason? Because Because she might be prettier than me, OK? Well, she will be, in your eyes, anyway.
She'll be perfect.
Well, I wasn't prettier than my mum.
Well, I've never met your mum but if she's better looking than you, then I'll go les for her.
You don't understand.
Round there at my mum's I'm ugly and I'm fat and I'm lazy and I'm stupid.
And the only way I can stop her from saying those things, from hating me is to bring her Temazepam and her booze and the occasional passing Greek sailor.
I had no idea.
And that's why I'm demanding a recount.
Last score, zero penises.
This time I want to see at least one and if I don't see one, if it's not a boy, there's only one option.
Don't.
Oh, please, don't! She'd be better off that way than having a mother like me.
(Sighs ) Poor Louise.
But she's probably right.
Oh, Jonny, we're all gonna miss you at this wedding.
I wish you could be part of it.
That's it.
They'll have a Jonny-themed wedding day! Munch, chuck these in the dishwasher.
Munch magic! (Glass smashes ) Tinkle, tinkle! I've not seen anything so spectacular since I cleared 12 foot with my own ejaculation.
You were up a ladder and you were pointing it downwards.
Happy days.
Oh, thanks for footing it for me.
Safety first.
You still owe me a replacement salad.
I wanted blue-cheese dressing, not knob cheese.
Fox's Glacier Mints got really big.
He's so thick! He can't be my best man.
I'm gonna have to fire him.
This tap's gone again! - I'll have to get the fella out.
- It's a pressure problem.
You just need to release the air that accumulates in the pipes every couple of weeks.
How do you know that? It was in this.
- I thought you said you couldn't read.
- I can't.
Oh I see what you mean.
I can read words.
But then what can't you read? Music, obviously.
I always wanted to play the triangle.
Gaz, I've written a speech for the wedding.
I'm quite the public speaker.
I learnt it in Birmingham.
(Birmingham accent) Ta-ra, a bit.
I'll never replace Jonny, though.
That guy was a genius.
Yeah, he was, Munch.
He truly was.
Excuse me.
You've still not done anything about the wedding, Gaz.
Au contraire, mon cherie.
The wedding is sorted.
Munch is the best man.
Other arrangements are taken care of.
- Really? - I swear on your life.
So everything's sorted? You've sorted the flowers and the cake, everything? Yep.
The buttonholes, the ushers, the invites the band, the caterers.
Yeah.
Absolutely everything.
Sorted.
What are you looking at? A bit of a shitter you're in, isn't it? Yes, well, you'd know.
I'm sure you've been in enough shitters yourself.
You're just insecure because you're marrying someone beneath you.
- Pardon? - Yeah, you're gorgeous.
You're sassy, you don't take no guff.
I bet you take a bit of guff.
And that's why I That's why I like you.
Really? Then why are you so mean to me? We have banter.
I've not had a proper female friend before.
And men don't tend to like me for floopy-do-knows-what reason.
And I'm a bitch.
You're a bitch.
I'm slightly masochistic and masturbate about you punishing me.
We could run a really good pub together.
Well, I've already got a barman.
There you go, Arthur.
I made it meself.
You know what, Tim? You would be a draw for the customers.
You know, like them restaurants in that London where people go especially for the rude waiters.
You know, KFC.
Exactly! So can I have my job back? Only if you promise to be mean about me and my hair.
Oh, seriously, Dolly Parton's got nothing on you.
You know, except for a pair of breasts.
And you're so far in the closet, you're meeting Aslan.
And then you're sucking his cock.
I just needed to check that you didn't make a mistake.
We rarely make mistakes.
Except with old people who are gonna die anyway.
So, any cocks? No.
It's definitely a girl.
I need to get my colleague.
What? Not even a tiny one? Come on, give me something to work with, people.
What's going on? Is something wrong? Having trouble seeing the heartbeat.
- What do you mean? - Yeah, it's Tell me! What's happening to my baby? Dear God, please let my baby be alive.
I don't care whether it's a boy, girl or a giraffe.
In fact, I like girls.
Well, I don't but I like this one because she's mine.
Please, please don't take her away from me.
Please, please, please.
With sprinkles.
Oh, thank God! Your baby was on her side.
Dozy arse.
If she'd gone private, I wouldn't be drunk, would I? You can get up now, Miss Brooks.
You're having a healthy baby girl.
Wait.
Just let me listen to the heartbeat again.
(Heartbeats ) Just don't be prettier than me, OK? Janethave you done anything for this wedding? Donna's on the warpath.
I haven't done a thing.
Don't worry.
I have done everything.
You are gonna love it.
Now, what's the one thing we're missing? Er An elephant.
No! Something more important! If it isn't an elephant, a financial advisor.
No.
Something closer to your heart.
My lungs.
They're gonna be there! Gaz, it's your best friend! Jonny.
Oh! Oh.
So here we have Jonny cake.
It's a trial one.
I'm cooking his arms now.
Not his real arms? Here we have Jonny flowers.
- Oh, sweetheart - Wait.
Donna's gonna love this.
It's not confetti.
It's Jon-fetti! Hundreds of tiny Jonny heads.
I got them done at the copy shop.
What do you think? I think I have a hundred tiny Jonny heads in my mouth.
I know Munch is your best man but come on.
Who wouldn't want to be walked down the aisle by a concrete representation of their best friend? I've put him on wheels.
''I intend to become a farmer.
Good day.
'' It's like he's floating at me.
So? Are you happy? - Well, are you happy? - Who cares about me? Seeing as you ask, it's the happiest I've felt in weeks.
I think it's beautiful.
I can't wait to see Donna's face! I just wanted to say that I'm really happy to be marrying you, Gaz Wilkinson.
Oh, my God! - What? - Nothing.
Kiss me, you fool! I don't want to be alone any more.
Oi! Tits first.
I'm not a slag.
What the hell is going on? Hey, Mr, Bartender, give me a drink I want a cold wet glass with bubbles in it And that doesn't mean I can't handle anything stronger now Just think I'll wait a while I'll have pint of lager, please And a pack of flakeys