Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps (2001) s07e06 Episode Script
Six Months Later
Can't keep a secret indeed.
Corinthian, they're not finding out from me who your real father is.
Oh, my God! This is amazing! I've got a son! Oh, Janet! Janet, I need to talk to you, right? It's about Jonny.
I don't need to talk about Jonny to keep his memory alive.
All I need is Corinthian, his son.
As long as I have him, Jonny will always be a part of our lives, won't he? Yeah.
Hey, Mr Bartender, give me a drink I want a cold wet glass with bubbles in it And that doesn't mean I can't handle anything stronger now Just think I'll wait a while I'll have pint of lager, please And a pack of flakeys Morning! What a lovely day! - You're cheerful.
- Yes, and why shouldn't I be? Erm No reason.
(Coughs ) Dead husband.
What? Nothing.
(Coughs ) Jonny dead.
Big shark Louise, are you feeling OK? Are you feeling OK? Your husband's dead, Janet.
That's why you shouldn't be cheerful.
Oh, I must have, you know, forgot.
Do you know, that is the first time in eight months that Jonny hasn't been the first thing on my mind.
You don't have to feel guilty, Janet, about being happy.
- Really? - Of course not.
It's good to have the old Janet back.
(Coughs ) Heartless bitch.
Nasty cough you've got there.
You should see someone about that.
(Coughs ) Like a vet.
Who's Yvette? You're right.
From now on I am gonna be happy.
To the point of irritation.
Ba-ba-bah! Anyway, it can't be eight months.
That'd make me nine months pregnant.
That's water retention.
Oh.
Is there any reason why you're hanging on to Lake Windermere? - What are you doing? - Sorting the mail.
Louise! Look at all this! Oh, God, there's a red one! I know.
There's tons of them.
It's a pretty colour, isn't it? I meant to ask.
What is a repossession order? They're taking my house.
(Coughs ) Give a shit! So, bearing in mind I've got to keep little Corinthian entertained for the whole morning, I've got him Schindler's List.
Gaz, you can't let him watch that.
He's a baby.
It's got trains in it.
He loves trains.
Choo, choo, choo! Did you just say, ''Jew, Jew, Jew''? That's sick! I don't know why you're making such a big deal.
You're just baby-sitting.
It's the first time Janet's let me have him since You know If I can prove I can look after him, she'll let me have him more often.
Why would you wanna do that? Because he's mine.
Ute.
I love small people.
I'd baby-sit Ronnie Corbett if he'd let me.
Not this again.
How many restraining orders has the little man got to send? You've been reading my diary.
Whatever you do today don't call me.
I've got to keep the line free.
What if I've got an emergency? Gaz, an erection is not an emergency.
Can be.
It can explode.
I have ruined many a cardigan.
I'm serious! Any second now, the nice man with the funny-shaped head from the brewery is gonna ring and ask to interview me for the position of area manager.
Fine.
No phone calls.
I'm telling you, Gaz.
That interview is my chance to show my true management potential.
My chance to show that I, Donna Wilkinson, can be the female Ruth Badger.
- Let me know how you get on.
- OK.
No, I just need a nice story book.
No.
No.
Oh.
Definitely not.
Oh, here we are.
That's got little kitty cats in it.
''Death was a vague idea but the pet cemetery was real.
'' - It's no good.
He's still awake.
- Well, don't look at me.
- Why not? - Cos I need to pick my nose.
(Corinthian cries ) Oh, yeah, great.
Now you've made him cry.
Hey, hey, hey, hey! Does Baby wanna watch a little film about Uncle Schindler? Yeah! And the merciless persecution of God's chosen people.
Yeah, does he? (Corinthian cries ) I might as well face it, I'm crap at looking after him.
Course you are, Gaz.
It's not like you're his real dad.
I am.
Henry VIII I am Munch, why don't you take a long walk off a short pier? Well, for one, the nearest pier is 40 mile away, in Prestatyn.
And for two, that's more of a promenade, really I could do you a long walk to a short pier.
Just go somewhere and do summat dangerous.
OK.
I'll go in the kitchen and eat some glass.
OK, lookson.
I'm sorry I'm so crap at all this.
I just wanted to prove I could look after you so Janet would let us spend more time together.
We could bond Dadda.
Do you mind? I'm talking.
Just guess that's not gonna happen now, is it? - What did you just say? - Dadda.
Daddy? You called me daddy! - You know who I am! Say it again.
- Dadda-dadda.
(Laughs ) That's amazing! Do it again! Dadda.
I can't believe it! Do it again.
Take your time.
No rush.
Hey, take your time.
See, now you're just pissing me about.
(Knock on door) Yeah.
Sir, I hereby serve notice on this property to being repossession proceedings.
Whoa, whoa, whoa! You what? I'm here to take the house and everything valuable in it.
I'm here to take the house.
You must be joking.
She's got a baby.
You can't just turf her out! I won't let you! Oh, yeah? You and who else? All right, mate? Want some, do you? Well, er We can do this another time.
- Really? - Yeah.
I'll give her another 24 hours.
Only fair.
How could they take my home? I am gonna be on the streets turning tricks! Like one of those dirty little street magicians.
Get over yourself.
You're so melodramatic.
You'll be homeless too.
(Gasps ) Me? I couldn't possibly perish in a back street with my unborn baby inside me.
It's too Dickensian.
People will be devastated.
- Now you're getting it.
- That's it.
I'll sort this out, Janet.
I'm gonna march down to that Citizens Advice Bureau right now and slip into the pub next door and find a rich single man.
Oh, great.
You all right, Janet? Erm Actually, Donna, I'm in a bit of trouble.
It's pretty embarrassing.
I'm your best friend.
It's my job to listen.
OK.
Well, I'm having a bit of money trouble and I know you've got a decent job (Mobile rings ) Shut your shitting face now! Sorry.
I'm expecting a call.
Hello, Donna Wilkinson.
Pub landlady and all-round marvel.
It's me.
No, I don't want to arrange a home visit.
Now piss off.
I'm keeping the line free! Yes, I love you too, Grandma.
Sorry.
What were you saying? - I need to sort my money out - (Mobile rings ) Shut it! Hello, Donna Wilkinson.
I don't care how many erections you've had, I'm not coming round.
Yes, I love you too, Grandad.
It's unbelievable.
Janet, guess what Corinthian did? I'll clean it up later.
Good news.
I've found an answer to my money trouble.
Really? How? I found this tub of money.
It was sitting there on the bar.
See! Someone is looking out for us.
Right.
I was so chuffed I went shopping to celebrate.
Just a few essentials - some food, a new pair of tracksuit bottoms and one semi-permanent tattoo of my late husband.
Isn't that Kriss Akabusi? No, it's Jonny! You remember Jonny.
Yes.
I just don't remember him being quite so You know, black.
No.
They did it over a bruise.
Oh, look, while you were out, someone came round to repossess your house.
You've got 24 hours.
I'm sorry.
- What? - Hey, it's OK.
Hey, hey, hey Oh, this'll cheer you up! Guess what Corinthian called me? Daddy! No! Oh, he's so screwed up he's already forgotten who is real daddy is! Oh, Corinthian, come on.
Please don't be mental.
Look, sit here.
Look, this is your real daddy.
Look! Say hello to Daddy.
Hello! Go, on, give him a kiss.
Go on, kiss him! That should straighten him right out.
(Sobs ) No, they can't take my home! Janet, look, I'll take care of you.
Both of you.
I swear.
- Oh, yeah? How? - I'll buy the house with Donna.
What? Really? Yeah.
You two can stay in the spare room and then we'll all be under one roof.
Happy, like Why would you wanna live with a screaming baby? Because I'm his father .
.
's best friend.
Thanks, Gaz.
That is so sweet.
Now all I've got to do is try and convince Donna to move out of that luxury apartment of mine.
What? And move out of this dirty little shithole? All right, then.
Well, that was well easy! I've already found the new place.
You think I'd trust you to find our next house? Gaz, your idea of the perfect home is a papier-mâché igloo made out of porno magazines.
You've been reading my diary again.
Here's what we'll do.
We'll find one place each and we'll see which is best.
- I've only got one bar on my signal.
- My place has got everything.
It's got floors, ceilings.
Ring! Corinthian.
(Sighs ) What a waste of time.
All morning I was out there but did I find a rich single man to clear Janet's debts? It's Runcorn.
I'm gonna guess a big, burly, hairy no.
Actually, yes, but I accidentally got off with him myself.
Then I saw his shopping trolley.
Turns out he was just a tramp with a tie on.
It's called a strap-on, sweetheart.
That's it, then.
I'm going to be sleeping in shop doorways.
(Gasps ) People might think I'm one of those skanks waiting for the unveiling of Lily Allen's latest New Look collection.
- All right, girls! - Get out, Aidan Thomas.
We don't want your sort in here.
You're a bully and a petty criminal.
And you're deeply unfashionable.
Oh, but I've just been paid.
What can I get you? My God, where did you get all that? We did over a post office in Church Street.
- People got hurt.
- Really? Yeah.
Envelopes are sharp.
I got a really nasty paper cut.
Sorich, are we? No, Aidan.
(Giggles ) Rich and stupid.
It gets better.
Come with me, oaf! It's got digital TV upstairs and down.
Electric curtains in all the bedrooms and two en-suite bathrooms.
(Speaks gibberish) Sorry? I just said (Speaks gibberish) Look, any questions, give us a shout.
What a shithole! I wouldn't rent this place out to Chinese cockle pickers.
Gaz, what are you on about? It's got three bedrooms, a conservatory, a garden.
Did you not hear the nya-nya-nya argument? I wanna place with character.
A character we know.
A blonde character.
Big tits.
That kind of place.
- Are you talking about Janet's? - Exactly.
Exactly like Janet's.
You know, blonde, big-titted place.
Gaz, I would rather live in a hippy commune inside Debbie McGee's anal cavity.
- You've been reading it again! - Oh, God! Where's my phone? I've lost my phone! Oh, my God! What if he rings, the man with the funny-shaped head and I'm not there to answer it? He'll give the interview to somebody else! Then I'll be on the career scrapheap for the rest Oh, there it is.
Oh, he's still not rung! Just ring, man with funny-shaped head, ring! Hang on.
Damp.
We can't buy a place with damp.
Gaz, did you just lick the wall? (Sniggers ) No.
Then how come it smells of my vagina? It's coming from the en-suite.
I'm not living here.
Look.
It's got a magazine rack .
.
for me Men's Health magazines.
You mean your porn.
That's what I said.
So what do you think? So what do you reckon, Gaz? - Shall we put an offer in? - Eh? Donna, wait.
There's somewhere else I need you to see.
Oh! Your place was a death trap.
My knee's completely knackered.
Cos you kept booting the wall and crying after you'd seen the bathroom.
Don't speak of the bathroom.
It's dead to me.
All right, Donna.
Prepare to see our new dream home.
Just get on with it, Gaz.
(Laughs ) Ta-da! Gaz, I've already told you I won't live here.
But we know what we're getting with this place.
Yes, a two-storey cesspool with all the class and sophistication of a used condom museum.
No offence, Janet.
None taken and I'll get rid of the condom museum.
Or as Jonny used to all it, the floor.
What the hell is that? I read that you're supposed to bake bread and put fresh flowers out but I couldn't do either so I put some Mighty White in a vase.
Well, thanks for wasting my time.
I better get back to work.
Maybe they'll ring on the landline.
- Oh, and Gaz - Yes, love.
If you agree to buy this place behind my back, I will gauge your balls out with a splintery spoon and then insert them into your anus.
Then, if they fall out again, I will take them, ram them down your throat and tie your larynx in a knot so that you can't swallow them and ingest their meaty goodness.
- OK, love.
- OK.
(Clears throat) Well, that was promising.
It's over! My home! I'm gonna lose everything! Hey, hey, hey.
You won't.
Hey, I'll make sure of it.
All this You know, it's made me realise.
I wanna protect you.
In a matey way, obviously! Yes.
Obviously! Yeah.
I know how to get Donna to buy this place.
Right, and does it involve house deeds, Rohypnol and a pen covered in Superglue? Noalthough that is better.
Wow, if I wasn't about to marry you off to my penniless, ever-so-slightly bat-shit mental best friend, I'd have you myself.
Hold on a second.
I'm not looking for a wife.
If you want to be in Runcorn's Mafia, you need someone by your side.
Look at that David bloke.
He wouldn't have got anywhere without that dog on his arm.
Who? Beckham? No, Blunkett! You need a partner.
- Do you think so? - Yeah, you slow lummox.
Why don't we pop round and see her? Well, er I was gonna I'm telling you, she'd make the perfect criminal's wife.
Blonde, big tits, slightly leathery skin.
And one enormous pre-lubricated cavity for drug smuggling.
Exactly how enormous are we talking? (Sobs ) Why is everything going wrong for me? First, I lose my husband.
Now my house.
My life is one big disaster-type thing.
Even that metaphor went wrong! (Keys rattle ) Oh, no! No, it's them.
No! You're not taking my home, you big, evil, house-stealing Oh, I can't even do insults! Janet, this is Aidan.
Oh, hello.
- He's going to be your new husband.
- What? Oh, look at you two! You can't keep your hands off each other! Anyone can fall in love That's not hard to do It isn't so clever OK! This is getting a little weird.
I'll leave you love birds to it.
Sorry about her.
Don't be.
It's fine.
So are you.
Oh, cheers.
Hmm, you're not so bad yourself.
(Clears throat) Do you fancy a spit roast? What?! Oh, my God! You're an animal! A pervert! How dare you! Yes.
All right, then.
Curse him.
Stupid man from the brewery with the stupid-shaped head.
- He didn't ring about the interview then? - It's not fair! I'm management material.
I can motivate people.
Now I'm gonna be stuck in this crappy pub for the rest of my life with shit staff for shit money.
I thought you liked it here.
I thought we were friends.
Well, I'll just be out the back, self-harming.
Yeah, masturbate all you want.
It doesn't matter any more.
Look, you see, if I can get Donna to buy that house, Janet won't get kicked out and I can spend more time with my son.
.
.
dance Film Festival DVD collection.
Here's what you do.
Tell Donna that Janet's place is built on the site of an ancient gold mine.
Munch, she's not an idiot.
Hi.
Can I have a word? You can have five.
We're not buying Janet's house.
What if I was to tell you it was built on the site of an ancient gold mine? Then I'd tell you that there'll be severe structural problems to the foundations, making the property both uninsurable and uninhabitable.
Not to mention the fact that the remarkable nature of said mine would render any gold therein property of the National Trust.
Did I say gold mine? No, I meant ice-cream factory.
We're not buying that crappy house.
I might not have got the job but we're not that desperate! No.
No.
Donna, you're right.
We're not that desperate.
But Janet is.
They're repossessing her house.
You got 24 hours till she loses everything.
- What? - Yeah.
God.
I can't believe I'm actually saying this but OK, fine, yeah.
We'll buy Janet's house.
Things can't get any shitter.
Oh, yes, I love you! Thank you! Wow, that was exhilarating.
You might want to give it a rinse.
Wow! You can't beat a good spit roast.
You really stuffed it in my mouth.
Sorry about that.
I get a bit carried away.
Don't be.
It was lovely.
I like a man who can steal a pig.
Yeah? And you're a sweet girl.
Not like all them other slags I'm boning.
Aw, bless you! What I'm trying to say is I'm glad your mental mate brought me over.
I'm glad too.
It's just nice to meet someone who's interested in me and not just my money and my pigs.
Would it be OK if, ermif I snogged you? You got any condoms? No, I can't afford any.
I'm completely skint.
I'm sure I can find some.
Oh.
Ooh! Sorry about this.
Maybe I should buy some.
No.
I want you to blow your wad on me.
To our new dream home.
(Giggles ) We're gonna have some good times in that place.
Oh, yes, the two of us gathered around that blocked drain shooing the crack dealers out of the garden.
It's not that bad.
All it needs is a lick of paint.
No, Gaz.
All it needs is a lick of paint thinner and a dropped match.
Louise, guess what? We're buying Janet's house.
No, you're not.
She's not selling any more.
I found her a rich man.
You what? She's got a new bloke? Yes, which means we won't be needing your hand-outs anymore.
Oh, free champagne! I don't know what you're looking so happy about.
How do you mean? Well, if Janet has shacked up with some fella, she's not gonna want you there, is she, playing the gooseberry.
Donna, when have I ever played the gooseberry? In all these years we've been friends and you've been with Gaz and Janet's been with Jonny and I've been sat in a corner crying to myself, when have you ever known me to play? (Squeals) I can't believe she's found someone already.
What about Corinthian? I'm not having some strange man around my boy.
.
.
strous wife's best friend's baby.
Munch, heel.
It is so kind of you to lend me all this.
How can I ever repay you? By repaying me.
Hmm.
Old school.
Put the money down and step away from the widow.
Louise, what are you doing? Janet, you're vulnerable right now, what, with your concrete husband and your creepy tattoo.
There is nothing creepy about my tattoo.
Wow! You were married to Kriss Akabusi? What's he really like? I was not married to Kriss Akabusi.
I was married to him.
You're quite weird.
Janet, the point is you're a single mum now.
You have to get used to looking after yourself.
Janet! Don't worry, I'm here to look after you now.
What's wrong with you people? Nothing.
I Oh Hey I don't know what your game is but you'll never fill Jonny's shoes.
Mainly because we burnt him in 'em.
You're all a bunch of freaks! Mmm, glass! No, Aidan! Donna! Donna, your phone's bubbling! Shit! (Phone rings ) The interviewer! It's him! Hello, Donna Wilkinson.
Yeah.
Oh.
Really? Well, cheers for letting me know.
OK.
Bad news, cheap shoes? You know the man with the funny-shaped head? It turns out it was a brain tumour.
He died horribly.
Jesus, Mary and J-Lo! But I got the interview.
That's the only reason he didn't call me cos he was dying.
- Donna, that's awful! - I know! Does the man not have a secretary? More champagne! You lot, guess what? I got the interview! - Nice one, wife! - Yeah.
I'm really happy for you.
- Are you all right? - No, I'm skint, Donna.
I'm homeless.
I'm gonna be the Littlest Hobo.
Janet you won't be the Littlest Hobo.
That'll be Corinthian.
Oh, God! This is great news.
Me and Donna, we've been talking.
And there's no way of saying this without vomiting in my own mouth but, Janet, we would like tobuy your house.
What? Really? Afraid so.
Oh, Donna! That is best thing a friend could do! Don't mention it.
I'm sure you and Corinthian and Louise will be very, very happy in Gaz's flat.
What? What? You what? I thought we could live together, all of us.
You and me, Corinthian, Janet.
Louise.
Give or take Louise.
We're buying a house not a dysfunctional family.
We can make one of those ourselves.
Right.
Oh, and Janet, I don't want you to worry about paying rent.
Oh, thanks, Donna.
That's really kind.
We'll set up a Direct Debit.
Saves me getting bailiffs involved.
To new beginnings! - I miss this place.
- You should come and visit.
Yeah.
You too.
Whenever you want.
Night or day.
It's important to remember the little things.
Yeah, you're right.
All the smells.
Yeah.
And the sounds.
And the feel.
And the eyes.
The arms.
And the lips.
Hey, Mr Bartender, give me a drink I want a cold wet glass with bubbles in it And that doesn't mean I can't handle anything stronger now Just think I'll wait a while I'll have pint of lager, please And a pack of flakeys
Corinthian, they're not finding out from me who your real father is.
Oh, my God! This is amazing! I've got a son! Oh, Janet! Janet, I need to talk to you, right? It's about Jonny.
I don't need to talk about Jonny to keep his memory alive.
All I need is Corinthian, his son.
As long as I have him, Jonny will always be a part of our lives, won't he? Yeah.
Hey, Mr Bartender, give me a drink I want a cold wet glass with bubbles in it And that doesn't mean I can't handle anything stronger now Just think I'll wait a while I'll have pint of lager, please And a pack of flakeys Morning! What a lovely day! - You're cheerful.
- Yes, and why shouldn't I be? Erm No reason.
(Coughs ) Dead husband.
What? Nothing.
(Coughs ) Jonny dead.
Big shark Louise, are you feeling OK? Are you feeling OK? Your husband's dead, Janet.
That's why you shouldn't be cheerful.
Oh, I must have, you know, forgot.
Do you know, that is the first time in eight months that Jonny hasn't been the first thing on my mind.
You don't have to feel guilty, Janet, about being happy.
- Really? - Of course not.
It's good to have the old Janet back.
(Coughs ) Heartless bitch.
Nasty cough you've got there.
You should see someone about that.
(Coughs ) Like a vet.
Who's Yvette? You're right.
From now on I am gonna be happy.
To the point of irritation.
Ba-ba-bah! Anyway, it can't be eight months.
That'd make me nine months pregnant.
That's water retention.
Oh.
Is there any reason why you're hanging on to Lake Windermere? - What are you doing? - Sorting the mail.
Louise! Look at all this! Oh, God, there's a red one! I know.
There's tons of them.
It's a pretty colour, isn't it? I meant to ask.
What is a repossession order? They're taking my house.
(Coughs ) Give a shit! So, bearing in mind I've got to keep little Corinthian entertained for the whole morning, I've got him Schindler's List.
Gaz, you can't let him watch that.
He's a baby.
It's got trains in it.
He loves trains.
Choo, choo, choo! Did you just say, ''Jew, Jew, Jew''? That's sick! I don't know why you're making such a big deal.
You're just baby-sitting.
It's the first time Janet's let me have him since You know If I can prove I can look after him, she'll let me have him more often.
Why would you wanna do that? Because he's mine.
Ute.
I love small people.
I'd baby-sit Ronnie Corbett if he'd let me.
Not this again.
How many restraining orders has the little man got to send? You've been reading my diary.
Whatever you do today don't call me.
I've got to keep the line free.
What if I've got an emergency? Gaz, an erection is not an emergency.
Can be.
It can explode.
I have ruined many a cardigan.
I'm serious! Any second now, the nice man with the funny-shaped head from the brewery is gonna ring and ask to interview me for the position of area manager.
Fine.
No phone calls.
I'm telling you, Gaz.
That interview is my chance to show my true management potential.
My chance to show that I, Donna Wilkinson, can be the female Ruth Badger.
- Let me know how you get on.
- OK.
No, I just need a nice story book.
No.
No.
Oh.
Definitely not.
Oh, here we are.
That's got little kitty cats in it.
''Death was a vague idea but the pet cemetery was real.
'' - It's no good.
He's still awake.
- Well, don't look at me.
- Why not? - Cos I need to pick my nose.
(Corinthian cries ) Oh, yeah, great.
Now you've made him cry.
Hey, hey, hey, hey! Does Baby wanna watch a little film about Uncle Schindler? Yeah! And the merciless persecution of God's chosen people.
Yeah, does he? (Corinthian cries ) I might as well face it, I'm crap at looking after him.
Course you are, Gaz.
It's not like you're his real dad.
I am.
Henry VIII I am Munch, why don't you take a long walk off a short pier? Well, for one, the nearest pier is 40 mile away, in Prestatyn.
And for two, that's more of a promenade, really I could do you a long walk to a short pier.
Just go somewhere and do summat dangerous.
OK.
I'll go in the kitchen and eat some glass.
OK, lookson.
I'm sorry I'm so crap at all this.
I just wanted to prove I could look after you so Janet would let us spend more time together.
We could bond Dadda.
Do you mind? I'm talking.
Just guess that's not gonna happen now, is it? - What did you just say? - Dadda.
Daddy? You called me daddy! - You know who I am! Say it again.
- Dadda-dadda.
(Laughs ) That's amazing! Do it again! Dadda.
I can't believe it! Do it again.
Take your time.
No rush.
Hey, take your time.
See, now you're just pissing me about.
(Knock on door) Yeah.
Sir, I hereby serve notice on this property to being repossession proceedings.
Whoa, whoa, whoa! You what? I'm here to take the house and everything valuable in it.
I'm here to take the house.
You must be joking.
She's got a baby.
You can't just turf her out! I won't let you! Oh, yeah? You and who else? All right, mate? Want some, do you? Well, er We can do this another time.
- Really? - Yeah.
I'll give her another 24 hours.
Only fair.
How could they take my home? I am gonna be on the streets turning tricks! Like one of those dirty little street magicians.
Get over yourself.
You're so melodramatic.
You'll be homeless too.
(Gasps ) Me? I couldn't possibly perish in a back street with my unborn baby inside me.
It's too Dickensian.
People will be devastated.
- Now you're getting it.
- That's it.
I'll sort this out, Janet.
I'm gonna march down to that Citizens Advice Bureau right now and slip into the pub next door and find a rich single man.
Oh, great.
You all right, Janet? Erm Actually, Donna, I'm in a bit of trouble.
It's pretty embarrassing.
I'm your best friend.
It's my job to listen.
OK.
Well, I'm having a bit of money trouble and I know you've got a decent job (Mobile rings ) Shut your shitting face now! Sorry.
I'm expecting a call.
Hello, Donna Wilkinson.
Pub landlady and all-round marvel.
It's me.
No, I don't want to arrange a home visit.
Now piss off.
I'm keeping the line free! Yes, I love you too, Grandma.
Sorry.
What were you saying? - I need to sort my money out - (Mobile rings ) Shut it! Hello, Donna Wilkinson.
I don't care how many erections you've had, I'm not coming round.
Yes, I love you too, Grandad.
It's unbelievable.
Janet, guess what Corinthian did? I'll clean it up later.
Good news.
I've found an answer to my money trouble.
Really? How? I found this tub of money.
It was sitting there on the bar.
See! Someone is looking out for us.
Right.
I was so chuffed I went shopping to celebrate.
Just a few essentials - some food, a new pair of tracksuit bottoms and one semi-permanent tattoo of my late husband.
Isn't that Kriss Akabusi? No, it's Jonny! You remember Jonny.
Yes.
I just don't remember him being quite so You know, black.
No.
They did it over a bruise.
Oh, look, while you were out, someone came round to repossess your house.
You've got 24 hours.
I'm sorry.
- What? - Hey, it's OK.
Hey, hey, hey Oh, this'll cheer you up! Guess what Corinthian called me? Daddy! No! Oh, he's so screwed up he's already forgotten who is real daddy is! Oh, Corinthian, come on.
Please don't be mental.
Look, sit here.
Look, this is your real daddy.
Look! Say hello to Daddy.
Hello! Go, on, give him a kiss.
Go on, kiss him! That should straighten him right out.
(Sobs ) No, they can't take my home! Janet, look, I'll take care of you.
Both of you.
I swear.
- Oh, yeah? How? - I'll buy the house with Donna.
What? Really? Yeah.
You two can stay in the spare room and then we'll all be under one roof.
Happy, like Why would you wanna live with a screaming baby? Because I'm his father .
.
's best friend.
Thanks, Gaz.
That is so sweet.
Now all I've got to do is try and convince Donna to move out of that luxury apartment of mine.
What? And move out of this dirty little shithole? All right, then.
Well, that was well easy! I've already found the new place.
You think I'd trust you to find our next house? Gaz, your idea of the perfect home is a papier-mâché igloo made out of porno magazines.
You've been reading my diary again.
Here's what we'll do.
We'll find one place each and we'll see which is best.
- I've only got one bar on my signal.
- My place has got everything.
It's got floors, ceilings.
Ring! Corinthian.
(Sighs ) What a waste of time.
All morning I was out there but did I find a rich single man to clear Janet's debts? It's Runcorn.
I'm gonna guess a big, burly, hairy no.
Actually, yes, but I accidentally got off with him myself.
Then I saw his shopping trolley.
Turns out he was just a tramp with a tie on.
It's called a strap-on, sweetheart.
That's it, then.
I'm going to be sleeping in shop doorways.
(Gasps ) People might think I'm one of those skanks waiting for the unveiling of Lily Allen's latest New Look collection.
- All right, girls! - Get out, Aidan Thomas.
We don't want your sort in here.
You're a bully and a petty criminal.
And you're deeply unfashionable.
Oh, but I've just been paid.
What can I get you? My God, where did you get all that? We did over a post office in Church Street.
- People got hurt.
- Really? Yeah.
Envelopes are sharp.
I got a really nasty paper cut.
Sorich, are we? No, Aidan.
(Giggles ) Rich and stupid.
It gets better.
Come with me, oaf! It's got digital TV upstairs and down.
Electric curtains in all the bedrooms and two en-suite bathrooms.
(Speaks gibberish) Sorry? I just said (Speaks gibberish) Look, any questions, give us a shout.
What a shithole! I wouldn't rent this place out to Chinese cockle pickers.
Gaz, what are you on about? It's got three bedrooms, a conservatory, a garden.
Did you not hear the nya-nya-nya argument? I wanna place with character.
A character we know.
A blonde character.
Big tits.
That kind of place.
- Are you talking about Janet's? - Exactly.
Exactly like Janet's.
You know, blonde, big-titted place.
Gaz, I would rather live in a hippy commune inside Debbie McGee's anal cavity.
- You've been reading it again! - Oh, God! Where's my phone? I've lost my phone! Oh, my God! What if he rings, the man with the funny-shaped head and I'm not there to answer it? He'll give the interview to somebody else! Then I'll be on the career scrapheap for the rest Oh, there it is.
Oh, he's still not rung! Just ring, man with funny-shaped head, ring! Hang on.
Damp.
We can't buy a place with damp.
Gaz, did you just lick the wall? (Sniggers ) No.
Then how come it smells of my vagina? It's coming from the en-suite.
I'm not living here.
Look.
It's got a magazine rack .
.
for me Men's Health magazines.
You mean your porn.
That's what I said.
So what do you think? So what do you reckon, Gaz? - Shall we put an offer in? - Eh? Donna, wait.
There's somewhere else I need you to see.
Oh! Your place was a death trap.
My knee's completely knackered.
Cos you kept booting the wall and crying after you'd seen the bathroom.
Don't speak of the bathroom.
It's dead to me.
All right, Donna.
Prepare to see our new dream home.
Just get on with it, Gaz.
(Laughs ) Ta-da! Gaz, I've already told you I won't live here.
But we know what we're getting with this place.
Yes, a two-storey cesspool with all the class and sophistication of a used condom museum.
No offence, Janet.
None taken and I'll get rid of the condom museum.
Or as Jonny used to all it, the floor.
What the hell is that? I read that you're supposed to bake bread and put fresh flowers out but I couldn't do either so I put some Mighty White in a vase.
Well, thanks for wasting my time.
I better get back to work.
Maybe they'll ring on the landline.
- Oh, and Gaz - Yes, love.
If you agree to buy this place behind my back, I will gauge your balls out with a splintery spoon and then insert them into your anus.
Then, if they fall out again, I will take them, ram them down your throat and tie your larynx in a knot so that you can't swallow them and ingest their meaty goodness.
- OK, love.
- OK.
(Clears throat) Well, that was promising.
It's over! My home! I'm gonna lose everything! Hey, hey, hey.
You won't.
Hey, I'll make sure of it.
All this You know, it's made me realise.
I wanna protect you.
In a matey way, obviously! Yes.
Obviously! Yeah.
I know how to get Donna to buy this place.
Right, and does it involve house deeds, Rohypnol and a pen covered in Superglue? Noalthough that is better.
Wow, if I wasn't about to marry you off to my penniless, ever-so-slightly bat-shit mental best friend, I'd have you myself.
Hold on a second.
I'm not looking for a wife.
If you want to be in Runcorn's Mafia, you need someone by your side.
Look at that David bloke.
He wouldn't have got anywhere without that dog on his arm.
Who? Beckham? No, Blunkett! You need a partner.
- Do you think so? - Yeah, you slow lummox.
Why don't we pop round and see her? Well, er I was gonna I'm telling you, she'd make the perfect criminal's wife.
Blonde, big tits, slightly leathery skin.
And one enormous pre-lubricated cavity for drug smuggling.
Exactly how enormous are we talking? (Sobs ) Why is everything going wrong for me? First, I lose my husband.
Now my house.
My life is one big disaster-type thing.
Even that metaphor went wrong! (Keys rattle ) Oh, no! No, it's them.
No! You're not taking my home, you big, evil, house-stealing Oh, I can't even do insults! Janet, this is Aidan.
Oh, hello.
- He's going to be your new husband.
- What? Oh, look at you two! You can't keep your hands off each other! Anyone can fall in love That's not hard to do It isn't so clever OK! This is getting a little weird.
I'll leave you love birds to it.
Sorry about her.
Don't be.
It's fine.
So are you.
Oh, cheers.
Hmm, you're not so bad yourself.
(Clears throat) Do you fancy a spit roast? What?! Oh, my God! You're an animal! A pervert! How dare you! Yes.
All right, then.
Curse him.
Stupid man from the brewery with the stupid-shaped head.
- He didn't ring about the interview then? - It's not fair! I'm management material.
I can motivate people.
Now I'm gonna be stuck in this crappy pub for the rest of my life with shit staff for shit money.
I thought you liked it here.
I thought we were friends.
Well, I'll just be out the back, self-harming.
Yeah, masturbate all you want.
It doesn't matter any more.
Look, you see, if I can get Donna to buy that house, Janet won't get kicked out and I can spend more time with my son.
.
.
dance Film Festival DVD collection.
Here's what you do.
Tell Donna that Janet's place is built on the site of an ancient gold mine.
Munch, she's not an idiot.
Hi.
Can I have a word? You can have five.
We're not buying Janet's house.
What if I was to tell you it was built on the site of an ancient gold mine? Then I'd tell you that there'll be severe structural problems to the foundations, making the property both uninsurable and uninhabitable.
Not to mention the fact that the remarkable nature of said mine would render any gold therein property of the National Trust.
Did I say gold mine? No, I meant ice-cream factory.
We're not buying that crappy house.
I might not have got the job but we're not that desperate! No.
No.
Donna, you're right.
We're not that desperate.
But Janet is.
They're repossessing her house.
You got 24 hours till she loses everything.
- What? - Yeah.
God.
I can't believe I'm actually saying this but OK, fine, yeah.
We'll buy Janet's house.
Things can't get any shitter.
Oh, yes, I love you! Thank you! Wow, that was exhilarating.
You might want to give it a rinse.
Wow! You can't beat a good spit roast.
You really stuffed it in my mouth.
Sorry about that.
I get a bit carried away.
Don't be.
It was lovely.
I like a man who can steal a pig.
Yeah? And you're a sweet girl.
Not like all them other slags I'm boning.
Aw, bless you! What I'm trying to say is I'm glad your mental mate brought me over.
I'm glad too.
It's just nice to meet someone who's interested in me and not just my money and my pigs.
Would it be OK if, ermif I snogged you? You got any condoms? No, I can't afford any.
I'm completely skint.
I'm sure I can find some.
Oh.
Ooh! Sorry about this.
Maybe I should buy some.
No.
I want you to blow your wad on me.
To our new dream home.
(Giggles ) We're gonna have some good times in that place.
Oh, yes, the two of us gathered around that blocked drain shooing the crack dealers out of the garden.
It's not that bad.
All it needs is a lick of paint.
No, Gaz.
All it needs is a lick of paint thinner and a dropped match.
Louise, guess what? We're buying Janet's house.
No, you're not.
She's not selling any more.
I found her a rich man.
You what? She's got a new bloke? Yes, which means we won't be needing your hand-outs anymore.
Oh, free champagne! I don't know what you're looking so happy about.
How do you mean? Well, if Janet has shacked up with some fella, she's not gonna want you there, is she, playing the gooseberry.
Donna, when have I ever played the gooseberry? In all these years we've been friends and you've been with Gaz and Janet's been with Jonny and I've been sat in a corner crying to myself, when have you ever known me to play? (Squeals) I can't believe she's found someone already.
What about Corinthian? I'm not having some strange man around my boy.
.
.
strous wife's best friend's baby.
Munch, heel.
It is so kind of you to lend me all this.
How can I ever repay you? By repaying me.
Hmm.
Old school.
Put the money down and step away from the widow.
Louise, what are you doing? Janet, you're vulnerable right now, what, with your concrete husband and your creepy tattoo.
There is nothing creepy about my tattoo.
Wow! You were married to Kriss Akabusi? What's he really like? I was not married to Kriss Akabusi.
I was married to him.
You're quite weird.
Janet, the point is you're a single mum now.
You have to get used to looking after yourself.
Janet! Don't worry, I'm here to look after you now.
What's wrong with you people? Nothing.
I Oh Hey I don't know what your game is but you'll never fill Jonny's shoes.
Mainly because we burnt him in 'em.
You're all a bunch of freaks! Mmm, glass! No, Aidan! Donna! Donna, your phone's bubbling! Shit! (Phone rings ) The interviewer! It's him! Hello, Donna Wilkinson.
Yeah.
Oh.
Really? Well, cheers for letting me know.
OK.
Bad news, cheap shoes? You know the man with the funny-shaped head? It turns out it was a brain tumour.
He died horribly.
Jesus, Mary and J-Lo! But I got the interview.
That's the only reason he didn't call me cos he was dying.
- Donna, that's awful! - I know! Does the man not have a secretary? More champagne! You lot, guess what? I got the interview! - Nice one, wife! - Yeah.
I'm really happy for you.
- Are you all right? - No, I'm skint, Donna.
I'm homeless.
I'm gonna be the Littlest Hobo.
Janet you won't be the Littlest Hobo.
That'll be Corinthian.
Oh, God! This is great news.
Me and Donna, we've been talking.
And there's no way of saying this without vomiting in my own mouth but, Janet, we would like tobuy your house.
What? Really? Afraid so.
Oh, Donna! That is best thing a friend could do! Don't mention it.
I'm sure you and Corinthian and Louise will be very, very happy in Gaz's flat.
What? What? You what? I thought we could live together, all of us.
You and me, Corinthian, Janet.
Louise.
Give or take Louise.
We're buying a house not a dysfunctional family.
We can make one of those ourselves.
Right.
Oh, and Janet, I don't want you to worry about paying rent.
Oh, thanks, Donna.
That's really kind.
We'll set up a Direct Debit.
Saves me getting bailiffs involved.
To new beginnings! - I miss this place.
- You should come and visit.
Yeah.
You too.
Whenever you want.
Night or day.
It's important to remember the little things.
Yeah, you're right.
All the smells.
Yeah.
And the sounds.
And the feel.
And the eyes.
The arms.
And the lips.
Hey, Mr Bartender, give me a drink I want a cold wet glass with bubbles in it And that doesn't mean I can't handle anything stronger now Just think I'll wait a while I'll have pint of lager, please And a pack of flakeys