Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps (2001) s07e08 Episode Script
Borry
Oh! Oh, my God! Baby time! - I need you, Gaz Wilkinson.
- Hey, come here.
Eh? Right, I'll always be here for you.
- Do you swear? - Yeah.
I love you.
I got the job.
Get your bowler hat on, Gaz.
We're moving to London.
Hey, Mr Bartender, give me a drink I want a cold wet glass with bubbles in it And that doesn't mean I can't handle anything stronger now Just think I'll wait a while I'll have a pint of lager, please And a pack of flakeys (Yelling) London! Why are you screaming at us? Well, aren't you going to say anything? You've just told us we have to go to that London.
All I can think to say is wh-wh-wh - I'm pleased, Donna.
You deserve a break.
- Of your neck.
I can't go and live in that London.
I'm putting my foot down.
You're my wife, and what I say goes.
When has it ever, ever been that way? Once.
- And it was my birthday.
Was I wrong? - Yes, you were.
I finally experienced female ejaculation, only it fell out of my arse seven hours later! That's one curry house we can never go back to.
Gaz, look.
You have to make sacrifices in a marriage.
She's asking me to move to a multi-cultural urban environment.
I'm a Runcornian.
They don't have them in London.
And I've heard they don't have beer.
They have wine! We leave at the end of the week, Gaz.
I'll be at home packing.
- She didn't even say goodbye.
- Yeah, well, they don't in that London.
They say vv-vv.
This is fate, Gaz.
It's for the best.
But I can't leave you.
I'm falling in love with you.
I live here now, don't I? I keep doing that.
(Louise gasps ) I had no idea a woman could know those words.
I did.
I just thought they'd be loads prettier.
That stuff you've got there's a mess! It's like something you've cut out of a squirrel's tummy.
Munch, you need to phone an ambulance.
I want a C-section.
You've only been in labour for 16 hours.
It takes at least three days.
Listen to me, inbred, I want a Caesarean section, and if I don't get one, I'll never be able to make fun of those prolapsed uterus women again, and I'm not giving up my favourite hobby! I've got a prolapsed uterus.
No, I've got a prolapsed bowel.
No, hang on.
No.
No, I've got an inflamed bowel.
No, that's not right.
I have a cardigan.
That's it.
Ah! Gaz, I'm throwing out your animal porn.
This is the antelope-based stuff.
I'll go through beavers to zebras when I get home from work.
- Leave beavers.
- I'll see you later, Janet.
What do you mean, you're falling in love with me? - I'm falling in love with you.
- Don't say it! She doesn't love me.
She's never loved me.
She's always known she's too good for me.
You're saying this so as not to go to that London.
It's not so bad.
I went there on a school trip to see Phantom Of The Opera.
They give you real juice in a box, and I saw loads of pigeons.
I saw at least seven.
One had a little club foot.
It was bent over like that.
It was wonderful.
I want to stay here with you and Corinthian.
Gaz, he's not yours, OK? I know.
Just cos someone belongs to someone else, it doesn't stop you loving them, does it? Janet? - I don't love you.
- You do.
I don't.
I was just confused and lonely and really, really horny.
I could never love you in a million years.
I am still in love with my husband, which some might class as necrophilia, but I think it's cute.
- What if you never saw me again? - (Squeaking) Wouldn't care.
Janet, I've never felt like this about anyone, not even Boris Johnson, and she's fit.
Well, I don't feel the same about you, Gaz.
You need to go with your wife.
It's for the best.
OK, I will.
I'll go to London.
(Squeaking) - You're right, it's for the best.
Bye, Janet.
- No, Gaz, wait.
- Yeah? - She's not too good for you.
No one could be.
It just It just looks like that cos I'm too bad for you.
(Squeaking) - Bye.
- Bye.
- Bye.
- Bye.
- Bye.
- Bye.
- Bye.
- This is getting awkward.
I don't seem to be able to remove my arms from round you.
(Sobbing) I live here now, don't I? I keep doing that.
I'm coming out I want the world to know Got to let it show I'm coming Tim, I got that job.
I'm moving to that London.
Oh, no! Well, London's got nothing on Runcorn, except for culture, nightlife and ethnic diversity and those crazy-footed pigeons.
I've been.
It's amazing.
I had a panini.
- Oh, what's a panini? - Oh, it's a toastie, but it's got rocket in it.
Then why so glum, big bum? If I tell you something, do you promise not to tell? I am the soul of discretion.
I've kept many things in the closet for much of my life.
Ask my wife Helena.
It's too horrible to say out loud.
Just take a deep breath and let it out.
Nothing you can say can shock me.
I don't want Gaz to come to London with me and I'll have to tell him.
(Gasps ) Where's my bloody ambulance, you spindly post? I phoned them.
They said not to panic.
Your water only just broke.
Idiots! Don't they know who I am? Take me to the private hospital in Warrington.
Have you paid? No, of course I haven't, but they're not going to turn me away when I've got a baby's head hanging out of my knickers, are they? Oh, get a move on.
(Sighing) - What are you doing? - Well, you have to carry me.
Oh! Put some welly into it! Oh, I'm not allowed wellies.
I drowned a kitten in one once on Bonfire Night.
The RSPCA said it's dangerous for me to be around rubber footwear.
They gave me a sticker.
Hello, wife.
A pint, please.
What have you got there? Oh, it's er Koala Bears In Compromising Positions.
Oi! No! Hey, hey! You're not having this.
This is for our firstborn.
- Gaz, I need to tell you something.
- No, I need to tell you something.
OK, well, you go first, because what I have to tell you is both grave and sinister, and may ruin your life forever.
Cool.
I just wanted to say I'm really proud of you and of everything you've achieved.
You've gone from a mealy-mouthed, badly-dressed, shouty little angry faced - Frankly - I get it, Gaz.
Oh, you know.
You made a success of your life, and I'm so proud of the way you've achieved your ambitions.
Because of you, we're starting a new life in a new place together.
- OK.
- What were you going to say? Well, there are rumours that they are discontinuing Quavers.
I'm disappointed, but I wouldn't say my life's ruined.
Thanks for the heads up.
(Whispering) She doesn't know me at all.
It's Monster Munch I love.
- So you didn't tell him? - How could I? He's clearly looking forward to the move.
I can't break his heart.
So you're going to stay trapped in a loveless marriage? How Diana, God rest her soul.
How Tom Cruise, God rest his soul.
- Tom Cruise is alive.
- Not to me, he isn't.
Look, Tim, there's something else.
In London I met someone.
He's great.
I mean, really, really great.
(Gasps ) Asthma.
(Corinthian crying) Please don't cry, Corinthian.
Look.
Here, have a pasty.
It's your favourite.
Chilli.
- Ooh! - Ow! You could have smudged my lip gloss, you irksome fraggle! What's going on? She said she needed to be somewhere posh so she could have her baby from her vagina.
That's my word of the day, that and ''ubiquitous''.
Oh, today, Louise's vagina is ubiquitous.
I don't want it here.
I'm busy, being sad.
I was looking for Mr Wilkinson, who is not ubiquitous, or a vagina.
- Why do you need Gaz? - I always feel safe around him.
His big, strong arms, his manly chest Sometimes, just breaking into his house and watching him sleep can make the voices stop.
I know.
Sometimes, I pretend my pillow is him, and I kiss it.
Me too.
Only, I don't have a pillow.
I have hay.
And sometimes, Pillow Gaz tells me that Donna was killed in a helicopter crash and I comfort Pillow Gaz until he succumbs to my comforting, and then I rub on him a little bit.
'Scuse me! While you have been verbally wanking into the breeze, I've been sat here dilating.
This baby's coming and I need your help.
Oh, I didn't realise you were actually in labour.
Oh, OK.
Takes forever, hurts like hell.
I've got to stop Gaz.
Look after Corinthian.
Oh, well, looks like it's just you and me again.
Oh, good.
I'm completely thrilled.
Observe my face for signs of utter elation.
No, it's good, because we've got an expert here now.
Now, sir, tell us how you escaped from the vagina.
Oh, come on, tell me about it.
How did you meet? Well, here's a funny story.
(Laughing) We both reached for the same Twix at the train station.
Now, that is a funny story.
And me and Wesley were both waiting for the same train.
(Simpering) Wesley? Wait Wesley Snipes? - No.
- Wesley.
And we kept bumping into each other around the station on account of the fact that I was following him, and so we decided to have a coffee and then we sat with each other on the way up and we talked the whole time nonstop and he's been texting me ever since - A little question - He's straight.
- Not that, but thanks for sharing.
- Oh.
Did he not see the ring on your finger? Could he not see you were married? Well, I I kind of took it off as soon as I saw him.
Donna Donna Donna Donna Donna Donna Don-don-diddly wanna don I know! You know when you just know? And you didn't just know with Gaz? Well, to be honest, I did love him.
I do.
From the beginning, I assumed we'd split up.
I'm a bitch, aren't I? - Yeah.
- It's a nightmare.
(Mobile beeping) Oh! No, no, Donna.
You have to save your marriage.
Delete.
- What did he say? - That wasn't him.
That was a SIM update.
But even they're funny with Wesley in the world.
Wesley (Giggling) I'm so sorry.
I had to see you.
Pillow Gaz is too damp.
- Eh? - Ernothing.
- I'm really glad you asked me to meet you.
- Me too.
- So, what are you going to tell Donna? - What? You know, about us.
You mustn't be cruel.
Janet, I'm still going to London.
I just wanted to say goodbye properly, with me knob.
Butno, you can't.
What about this? What about what we've got? Do you know, I'm married.
I can't just throw that away.
I made a commitment in front of a lawyer, which is the same as God, only they can actually take half your money.
But I need you, and this This is right.
Sorry, Janet, I can't do it.
You bastard.
You cheat on Donna, then tell me you love me? What kind of man are you? A selfish one.
A selfish, horrible, gorgeous man.
I feel really guilty, but I've got a chance, now, to put things right, and that means not seeing you ever again, so let's just have some raw, animal goodbye sex, and I'll go.
By the way, I hate long goodbyes, so No.
Look, I need you.
Corinthian needs you.
You can't leave us.
Stop it, Janet.
You're making it harder.
Oh You get turned on by anything.
- I shouldn't have come.
- Yeah, you really don't do long goodbyes.
- I have to go with me wife.
- Not if I tell her, you won't.
- You wouldn't.
- Watch me.
- What are you doing? - You told me to watch you.
- You gonna dance for me? - No! I'm going straight to the Archer to tell your wife just what her husband's been up to.
The contractions are really close together.
I really think we should get to the hospital.
Louise, it's pronounced ''hospickle''.
You've had two in the last hour.
They said to roll you in at ten minutes apart.
I'm sure trained medics didn't use the term, ''roll her in.
'' No, but it would be fun to try.
You're shaped like a sparrow.
- Oh, my God! - Another one? Well, duh! I'm not a welder.
- I'm a mechanic.
- Just get me to the pub.
- My friends will help me.
- How? You're massive.
And little.
Ooh, you're a oxymoron, with your ubiquitous vagina.
Look, just move Dead Jonny.
No, take him off his castors.
You can drag me to the pub.
(Giggling) Oh, Wesley, you shouldn't have.
He sent me a rose, made of punctuation.
Donna, I've had opportunities to cheat on Mrs Claypole, many, many times, but no matter what park or public restroom I came across these opportunities in, I said ''No.
No, Timothy, because it only leads to heartache.
'' And arse-ache.
But you're right.
I'll delete his number.
There.
Oh, no! I've pressed dial by accident.
Silly me.
Hello, Wesley? Yeah.
I've been thinking about you too.
- Tim, where's Donna? I need to speak to her.
- Ershe's on the phone.
To a man.
That's right, to a man.
Oh, you've broken me.
Damn you and your sophisticated interrogation methods.
She's having an affair.
- An affair.
Happy now? - Wesley wants to meet up! He's Hi, Janet.
Sorry Wesley? (Giggling) Come on! Faster! Mush-mush! - So you're cheating on Gaz? - I haven't done anything.
- How could you, Donna? - I haven't even kissed Wesley.
Sorry.
Wesley.
I just do not see the comedy in that name.
I think it's a nice name.
It reminds me of weasels.
- And you know they're my favourite rodent.
- You said I was your favourite rodent.
Even if you haven't done anything physical, you're emotionally cheating on Gaz.
What's emotional cheating? When you fancy someone else and you meet them for coffee, and you don't tell your partner because you know you're guilty.
That's called working in an office.
If you loved Gaz, you wouldn't be doing this.
How did you get here before me? I only stopped for six or seven pints in the Mayhew.
It's not like women can run.
- Gaz, we need to talk.
- How could you? (Both) I haven't done anything.
- Right, sorry.
What? - (Both) What? What's going on? - What do people know and not know? - About what? Has Janet told you I know you don't love me and that I'm having an affair with Janet? No, I haven't.
Er Er Ooh How's the packing coming along? Do you fancy a pint? Yeah.
So, that's um That's one for you, and that's one for you.
I'm in labour! Help! I am so glad I work here.
- Donna! Donna, love, we need to talk.
- Donna, I am so sorry.
Oh, yeah? Yeah, yeah.
Talk, then.
What is it you think you can say to make this adorable situation any cosier? Do frigging tell me, you pair of bastards! What's a ''cun''? You are! Munch, I'm scared! Don't worry, a lot of women are scared of me.
You just have to trust me that I won't get me knob out.
Almost five times out of ten, it won't happen.
No, I need you.
I need someone to hold my hand, you silly triffid.
Erthe other one.
Just send me kind thoughts.
(Groaning) (Gasping) Donna Oh! Oh! Jonny! I'm so sorry! No, they're right.
That's creepy.
Donna Nothing you say will make me feel any better.
Do you know how hard it was to forgive you the first time? It took every ounce of strength in my body.
I couldn't sleep.
It made me ill.
I lost weight.
I couldn't sleep.
It made me repetitive.
- You nearly killed me.
- We made a mistake.
We're so Don't you dare! Don't you dare say you're sorry! OK Borry.
I'm very borry too.
No.
I should have known this would happen again.
I watched you two get closer.
You were always laughing together.
- I can't believe I trusted you.
- It was pretty stupid of you, I agree.
Jonny's not even cold in the ground.
We had an early frost.
I think he is.
I can't look at you.
I hate the pair of you! You've ruined my life! Everything's just gone! So I'm going to go to London as soon as I can tomorrow.
- I don't want you coming anywhere near me.
- To meet Wesley? - What? - Are you going to London to meet Wesley? Don't even go there, Janet Keogh née Smith.
Why not, Donna Wilkinson, née Henshaw? Who's Wesley? (Both) Shut up, Gaz Wilkinson, né Wilkinson! Wesley is the person Donna has been emotionally cheating on you with.
Wesley? Sorry.
Sorry, it's just a stupid name.
Sorry.
Eee-eee! (Baby crying) Ohshe's perfect.
She's beautiful.
Just like her mother.
Who's her mother? - Thank you for helping, Munch.
- No bother.
I'll be off, then.
Wait.
- You know what I'd like to name her? - Oh, Louise, I'd be honoured if you'd I'll name her Louise, because she looks just like Louise, who is I.
Oh, I see.
- Louise Munch Brooks.
Oh, she's gorgeous, like a dwarf.
Let's hope I never stand on her.
I'm so not calling you Munch.
Your name is Louise Louise Brooks.
You two just leave.
You deserve each other.
You deserve this life, this town, its lack of museums.
- It's got a cycle museum.
- It's a BMX tied to a fence! I deserve better! I deserve bright lights and too many Starbucks! What's a Starbucks? I don't know.
I'm not a sci-fi fan.
Come on, Gaz, let's go.
We've ruined everything.
(Mobile beeping) - Oh, my God! - What have I done now? That screensaver of those shaven koalas was already on that phone when you bought it.
No.
My wages are double what I was being paid, they're giving me accommodation andand a Volvo.
A Volvo.
In London.
- Shit.
- What? Gaz, I don't love you.
Well, that's rubbing ointment into the wound.
- Salt.
- What? - You rub salt into the wound.
- Why would you do that? It would really smart.
I don't mean I don't love you.
I do, but I need this opportunity.
I love my work, m - We're not meant to be together.
- No, we're not.
You and Janet, you know, I can see that working, because you're scum.
- In a nice way.
- We are.
- Yeah.
- So, then, be together.
This is weird.
Don't trust her, Gaz.
She's got a crazy look in her eye.
No, no.
That's just glaucoma.
I like it.
I like clouds.
Gaz, we're really good mates, and Janet, you're like a sister to me.
- You hate your sister.
- A brother.
- Your brother got Louise pregnant.
- You're like a friend to me.
I am your friend.
I'm your best friend.
Right now, the most important thing in my life is my job and my chance for happiness, not necessarily with Wesley, but with someone, something else.
(Sniggering) Sorry.
Sorry.
It's just Wesley.
Sorry.
So, I'm gonna go to London tomorrow, but you should be together, and Gaz, you're gonna make a great dad.
Thank you.
Group hug? Come on.
Come on.
Hey (Donna ) Gaz, that's just inappropriate.
- I'm really going to miss you, Mum.
- Thanks, Munch.
- So am I.
- So am I.
Although I must admit, it's going to be a hell of a lot easier poking Janet now.
- Sorry.
- Oh, yeah! Louise Brooks, back in a Size 4.
'Ave it, Posh, you fat slag! I really love her.
She goes with everything.
(Car horn ) Right, that's me.
Now, I wanted to say something to each of you, somethingsomething profound that'll stay with you, but he's probably put his meter on, so I'll just Donna Donna Wait.
Wait.
(Sobbing) Well, you said you hated long goodbyes.
Yeah, I do.
Everything's going to be all right, innit? Yeah.
Everything's going to be fine.
Janet Janet, what's wrong? Jonny died.
Yum-yum-yum! ( # Avril Lavigne.
.
When You're Gone ) - What the freaking hell's that?! - That's Jonny.
- Of course you do.
- Oh, my God! Hiya! And I'm sorry.
Knock yourself out.
Honk-honk! Step, step, shimmy.
.
.
see how much I need you right now? When you're gone I hate the pair of you! .
.
I'm missing you When you're gone The face I came to know is missing too When you're gone The words I need to hear to always get me through the day Baby time! And make it OK - Jonny's favourite butt plug.
- (Screaming) What the hell is going on? Oh, suck my semi-functioning balls! She's beautiful.
I need you, Gaz Wilkinson.
I probably always will.
- Shall we go home? - Which one? Ours.
You, me, Corinthian.
When the fuck did that happen?!
- Hey, come here.
Eh? Right, I'll always be here for you.
- Do you swear? - Yeah.
I love you.
I got the job.
Get your bowler hat on, Gaz.
We're moving to London.
Hey, Mr Bartender, give me a drink I want a cold wet glass with bubbles in it And that doesn't mean I can't handle anything stronger now Just think I'll wait a while I'll have a pint of lager, please And a pack of flakeys (Yelling) London! Why are you screaming at us? Well, aren't you going to say anything? You've just told us we have to go to that London.
All I can think to say is wh-wh-wh - I'm pleased, Donna.
You deserve a break.
- Of your neck.
I can't go and live in that London.
I'm putting my foot down.
You're my wife, and what I say goes.
When has it ever, ever been that way? Once.
- And it was my birthday.
Was I wrong? - Yes, you were.
I finally experienced female ejaculation, only it fell out of my arse seven hours later! That's one curry house we can never go back to.
Gaz, look.
You have to make sacrifices in a marriage.
She's asking me to move to a multi-cultural urban environment.
I'm a Runcornian.
They don't have them in London.
And I've heard they don't have beer.
They have wine! We leave at the end of the week, Gaz.
I'll be at home packing.
- She didn't even say goodbye.
- Yeah, well, they don't in that London.
They say vv-vv.
This is fate, Gaz.
It's for the best.
But I can't leave you.
I'm falling in love with you.
I live here now, don't I? I keep doing that.
(Louise gasps ) I had no idea a woman could know those words.
I did.
I just thought they'd be loads prettier.
That stuff you've got there's a mess! It's like something you've cut out of a squirrel's tummy.
Munch, you need to phone an ambulance.
I want a C-section.
You've only been in labour for 16 hours.
It takes at least three days.
Listen to me, inbred, I want a Caesarean section, and if I don't get one, I'll never be able to make fun of those prolapsed uterus women again, and I'm not giving up my favourite hobby! I've got a prolapsed uterus.
No, I've got a prolapsed bowel.
No, hang on.
No.
No, I've got an inflamed bowel.
No, that's not right.
I have a cardigan.
That's it.
Ah! Gaz, I'm throwing out your animal porn.
This is the antelope-based stuff.
I'll go through beavers to zebras when I get home from work.
- Leave beavers.
- I'll see you later, Janet.
What do you mean, you're falling in love with me? - I'm falling in love with you.
- Don't say it! She doesn't love me.
She's never loved me.
She's always known she's too good for me.
You're saying this so as not to go to that London.
It's not so bad.
I went there on a school trip to see Phantom Of The Opera.
They give you real juice in a box, and I saw loads of pigeons.
I saw at least seven.
One had a little club foot.
It was bent over like that.
It was wonderful.
I want to stay here with you and Corinthian.
Gaz, he's not yours, OK? I know.
Just cos someone belongs to someone else, it doesn't stop you loving them, does it? Janet? - I don't love you.
- You do.
I don't.
I was just confused and lonely and really, really horny.
I could never love you in a million years.
I am still in love with my husband, which some might class as necrophilia, but I think it's cute.
- What if you never saw me again? - (Squeaking) Wouldn't care.
Janet, I've never felt like this about anyone, not even Boris Johnson, and she's fit.
Well, I don't feel the same about you, Gaz.
You need to go with your wife.
It's for the best.
OK, I will.
I'll go to London.
(Squeaking) - You're right, it's for the best.
Bye, Janet.
- No, Gaz, wait.
- Yeah? - She's not too good for you.
No one could be.
It just It just looks like that cos I'm too bad for you.
(Squeaking) - Bye.
- Bye.
- Bye.
- Bye.
- Bye.
- Bye.
- Bye.
- This is getting awkward.
I don't seem to be able to remove my arms from round you.
(Sobbing) I live here now, don't I? I keep doing that.
I'm coming out I want the world to know Got to let it show I'm coming Tim, I got that job.
I'm moving to that London.
Oh, no! Well, London's got nothing on Runcorn, except for culture, nightlife and ethnic diversity and those crazy-footed pigeons.
I've been.
It's amazing.
I had a panini.
- Oh, what's a panini? - Oh, it's a toastie, but it's got rocket in it.
Then why so glum, big bum? If I tell you something, do you promise not to tell? I am the soul of discretion.
I've kept many things in the closet for much of my life.
Ask my wife Helena.
It's too horrible to say out loud.
Just take a deep breath and let it out.
Nothing you can say can shock me.
I don't want Gaz to come to London with me and I'll have to tell him.
(Gasps ) Where's my bloody ambulance, you spindly post? I phoned them.
They said not to panic.
Your water only just broke.
Idiots! Don't they know who I am? Take me to the private hospital in Warrington.
Have you paid? No, of course I haven't, but they're not going to turn me away when I've got a baby's head hanging out of my knickers, are they? Oh, get a move on.
(Sighing) - What are you doing? - Well, you have to carry me.
Oh! Put some welly into it! Oh, I'm not allowed wellies.
I drowned a kitten in one once on Bonfire Night.
The RSPCA said it's dangerous for me to be around rubber footwear.
They gave me a sticker.
Hello, wife.
A pint, please.
What have you got there? Oh, it's er Koala Bears In Compromising Positions.
Oi! No! Hey, hey! You're not having this.
This is for our firstborn.
- Gaz, I need to tell you something.
- No, I need to tell you something.
OK, well, you go first, because what I have to tell you is both grave and sinister, and may ruin your life forever.
Cool.
I just wanted to say I'm really proud of you and of everything you've achieved.
You've gone from a mealy-mouthed, badly-dressed, shouty little angry faced - Frankly - I get it, Gaz.
Oh, you know.
You made a success of your life, and I'm so proud of the way you've achieved your ambitions.
Because of you, we're starting a new life in a new place together.
- OK.
- What were you going to say? Well, there are rumours that they are discontinuing Quavers.
I'm disappointed, but I wouldn't say my life's ruined.
Thanks for the heads up.
(Whispering) She doesn't know me at all.
It's Monster Munch I love.
- So you didn't tell him? - How could I? He's clearly looking forward to the move.
I can't break his heart.
So you're going to stay trapped in a loveless marriage? How Diana, God rest her soul.
How Tom Cruise, God rest his soul.
- Tom Cruise is alive.
- Not to me, he isn't.
Look, Tim, there's something else.
In London I met someone.
He's great.
I mean, really, really great.
(Gasps ) Asthma.
(Corinthian crying) Please don't cry, Corinthian.
Look.
Here, have a pasty.
It's your favourite.
Chilli.
- Ooh! - Ow! You could have smudged my lip gloss, you irksome fraggle! What's going on? She said she needed to be somewhere posh so she could have her baby from her vagina.
That's my word of the day, that and ''ubiquitous''.
Oh, today, Louise's vagina is ubiquitous.
I don't want it here.
I'm busy, being sad.
I was looking for Mr Wilkinson, who is not ubiquitous, or a vagina.
- Why do you need Gaz? - I always feel safe around him.
His big, strong arms, his manly chest Sometimes, just breaking into his house and watching him sleep can make the voices stop.
I know.
Sometimes, I pretend my pillow is him, and I kiss it.
Me too.
Only, I don't have a pillow.
I have hay.
And sometimes, Pillow Gaz tells me that Donna was killed in a helicopter crash and I comfort Pillow Gaz until he succumbs to my comforting, and then I rub on him a little bit.
'Scuse me! While you have been verbally wanking into the breeze, I've been sat here dilating.
This baby's coming and I need your help.
Oh, I didn't realise you were actually in labour.
Oh, OK.
Takes forever, hurts like hell.
I've got to stop Gaz.
Look after Corinthian.
Oh, well, looks like it's just you and me again.
Oh, good.
I'm completely thrilled.
Observe my face for signs of utter elation.
No, it's good, because we've got an expert here now.
Now, sir, tell us how you escaped from the vagina.
Oh, come on, tell me about it.
How did you meet? Well, here's a funny story.
(Laughing) We both reached for the same Twix at the train station.
Now, that is a funny story.
And me and Wesley were both waiting for the same train.
(Simpering) Wesley? Wait Wesley Snipes? - No.
- Wesley.
And we kept bumping into each other around the station on account of the fact that I was following him, and so we decided to have a coffee and then we sat with each other on the way up and we talked the whole time nonstop and he's been texting me ever since - A little question - He's straight.
- Not that, but thanks for sharing.
- Oh.
Did he not see the ring on your finger? Could he not see you were married? Well, I I kind of took it off as soon as I saw him.
Donna Donna Donna Donna Donna Donna Don-don-diddly wanna don I know! You know when you just know? And you didn't just know with Gaz? Well, to be honest, I did love him.
I do.
From the beginning, I assumed we'd split up.
I'm a bitch, aren't I? - Yeah.
- It's a nightmare.
(Mobile beeping) Oh! No, no, Donna.
You have to save your marriage.
Delete.
- What did he say? - That wasn't him.
That was a SIM update.
But even they're funny with Wesley in the world.
Wesley (Giggling) I'm so sorry.
I had to see you.
Pillow Gaz is too damp.
- Eh? - Ernothing.
- I'm really glad you asked me to meet you.
- Me too.
- So, what are you going to tell Donna? - What? You know, about us.
You mustn't be cruel.
Janet, I'm still going to London.
I just wanted to say goodbye properly, with me knob.
Butno, you can't.
What about this? What about what we've got? Do you know, I'm married.
I can't just throw that away.
I made a commitment in front of a lawyer, which is the same as God, only they can actually take half your money.
But I need you, and this This is right.
Sorry, Janet, I can't do it.
You bastard.
You cheat on Donna, then tell me you love me? What kind of man are you? A selfish one.
A selfish, horrible, gorgeous man.
I feel really guilty, but I've got a chance, now, to put things right, and that means not seeing you ever again, so let's just have some raw, animal goodbye sex, and I'll go.
By the way, I hate long goodbyes, so No.
Look, I need you.
Corinthian needs you.
You can't leave us.
Stop it, Janet.
You're making it harder.
Oh You get turned on by anything.
- I shouldn't have come.
- Yeah, you really don't do long goodbyes.
- I have to go with me wife.
- Not if I tell her, you won't.
- You wouldn't.
- Watch me.
- What are you doing? - You told me to watch you.
- You gonna dance for me? - No! I'm going straight to the Archer to tell your wife just what her husband's been up to.
The contractions are really close together.
I really think we should get to the hospital.
Louise, it's pronounced ''hospickle''.
You've had two in the last hour.
They said to roll you in at ten minutes apart.
I'm sure trained medics didn't use the term, ''roll her in.
'' No, but it would be fun to try.
You're shaped like a sparrow.
- Oh, my God! - Another one? Well, duh! I'm not a welder.
- I'm a mechanic.
- Just get me to the pub.
- My friends will help me.
- How? You're massive.
And little.
Ooh, you're a oxymoron, with your ubiquitous vagina.
Look, just move Dead Jonny.
No, take him off his castors.
You can drag me to the pub.
(Giggling) Oh, Wesley, you shouldn't have.
He sent me a rose, made of punctuation.
Donna, I've had opportunities to cheat on Mrs Claypole, many, many times, but no matter what park or public restroom I came across these opportunities in, I said ''No.
No, Timothy, because it only leads to heartache.
'' And arse-ache.
But you're right.
I'll delete his number.
There.
Oh, no! I've pressed dial by accident.
Silly me.
Hello, Wesley? Yeah.
I've been thinking about you too.
- Tim, where's Donna? I need to speak to her.
- Ershe's on the phone.
To a man.
That's right, to a man.
Oh, you've broken me.
Damn you and your sophisticated interrogation methods.
She's having an affair.
- An affair.
Happy now? - Wesley wants to meet up! He's Hi, Janet.
Sorry Wesley? (Giggling) Come on! Faster! Mush-mush! - So you're cheating on Gaz? - I haven't done anything.
- How could you, Donna? - I haven't even kissed Wesley.
Sorry.
Wesley.
I just do not see the comedy in that name.
I think it's a nice name.
It reminds me of weasels.
- And you know they're my favourite rodent.
- You said I was your favourite rodent.
Even if you haven't done anything physical, you're emotionally cheating on Gaz.
What's emotional cheating? When you fancy someone else and you meet them for coffee, and you don't tell your partner because you know you're guilty.
That's called working in an office.
If you loved Gaz, you wouldn't be doing this.
How did you get here before me? I only stopped for six or seven pints in the Mayhew.
It's not like women can run.
- Gaz, we need to talk.
- How could you? (Both) I haven't done anything.
- Right, sorry.
What? - (Both) What? What's going on? - What do people know and not know? - About what? Has Janet told you I know you don't love me and that I'm having an affair with Janet? No, I haven't.
Er Er Ooh How's the packing coming along? Do you fancy a pint? Yeah.
So, that's um That's one for you, and that's one for you.
I'm in labour! Help! I am so glad I work here.
- Donna! Donna, love, we need to talk.
- Donna, I am so sorry.
Oh, yeah? Yeah, yeah.
Talk, then.
What is it you think you can say to make this adorable situation any cosier? Do frigging tell me, you pair of bastards! What's a ''cun''? You are! Munch, I'm scared! Don't worry, a lot of women are scared of me.
You just have to trust me that I won't get me knob out.
Almost five times out of ten, it won't happen.
No, I need you.
I need someone to hold my hand, you silly triffid.
Erthe other one.
Just send me kind thoughts.
(Groaning) (Gasping) Donna Oh! Oh! Jonny! I'm so sorry! No, they're right.
That's creepy.
Donna Nothing you say will make me feel any better.
Do you know how hard it was to forgive you the first time? It took every ounce of strength in my body.
I couldn't sleep.
It made me ill.
I lost weight.
I couldn't sleep.
It made me repetitive.
- You nearly killed me.
- We made a mistake.
We're so Don't you dare! Don't you dare say you're sorry! OK Borry.
I'm very borry too.
No.
I should have known this would happen again.
I watched you two get closer.
You were always laughing together.
- I can't believe I trusted you.
- It was pretty stupid of you, I agree.
Jonny's not even cold in the ground.
We had an early frost.
I think he is.
I can't look at you.
I hate the pair of you! You've ruined my life! Everything's just gone! So I'm going to go to London as soon as I can tomorrow.
- I don't want you coming anywhere near me.
- To meet Wesley? - What? - Are you going to London to meet Wesley? Don't even go there, Janet Keogh née Smith.
Why not, Donna Wilkinson, née Henshaw? Who's Wesley? (Both) Shut up, Gaz Wilkinson, né Wilkinson! Wesley is the person Donna has been emotionally cheating on you with.
Wesley? Sorry.
Sorry, it's just a stupid name.
Sorry.
Eee-eee! (Baby crying) Ohshe's perfect.
She's beautiful.
Just like her mother.
Who's her mother? - Thank you for helping, Munch.
- No bother.
I'll be off, then.
Wait.
- You know what I'd like to name her? - Oh, Louise, I'd be honoured if you'd I'll name her Louise, because she looks just like Louise, who is I.
Oh, I see.
- Louise Munch Brooks.
Oh, she's gorgeous, like a dwarf.
Let's hope I never stand on her.
I'm so not calling you Munch.
Your name is Louise Louise Brooks.
You two just leave.
You deserve each other.
You deserve this life, this town, its lack of museums.
- It's got a cycle museum.
- It's a BMX tied to a fence! I deserve better! I deserve bright lights and too many Starbucks! What's a Starbucks? I don't know.
I'm not a sci-fi fan.
Come on, Gaz, let's go.
We've ruined everything.
(Mobile beeping) - Oh, my God! - What have I done now? That screensaver of those shaven koalas was already on that phone when you bought it.
No.
My wages are double what I was being paid, they're giving me accommodation andand a Volvo.
A Volvo.
In London.
- Shit.
- What? Gaz, I don't love you.
Well, that's rubbing ointment into the wound.
- Salt.
- What? - You rub salt into the wound.
- Why would you do that? It would really smart.
I don't mean I don't love you.
I do, but I need this opportunity.
I love my work, m - We're not meant to be together.
- No, we're not.
You and Janet, you know, I can see that working, because you're scum.
- In a nice way.
- We are.
- Yeah.
- So, then, be together.
This is weird.
Don't trust her, Gaz.
She's got a crazy look in her eye.
No, no.
That's just glaucoma.
I like it.
I like clouds.
Gaz, we're really good mates, and Janet, you're like a sister to me.
- You hate your sister.
- A brother.
- Your brother got Louise pregnant.
- You're like a friend to me.
I am your friend.
I'm your best friend.
Right now, the most important thing in my life is my job and my chance for happiness, not necessarily with Wesley, but with someone, something else.
(Sniggering) Sorry.
Sorry.
It's just Wesley.
Sorry.
So, I'm gonna go to London tomorrow, but you should be together, and Gaz, you're gonna make a great dad.
Thank you.
Group hug? Come on.
Come on.
Hey (Donna ) Gaz, that's just inappropriate.
- I'm really going to miss you, Mum.
- Thanks, Munch.
- So am I.
- So am I.
Although I must admit, it's going to be a hell of a lot easier poking Janet now.
- Sorry.
- Oh, yeah! Louise Brooks, back in a Size 4.
'Ave it, Posh, you fat slag! I really love her.
She goes with everything.
(Car horn ) Right, that's me.
Now, I wanted to say something to each of you, somethingsomething profound that'll stay with you, but he's probably put his meter on, so I'll just Donna Donna Wait.
Wait.
(Sobbing) Well, you said you hated long goodbyes.
Yeah, I do.
Everything's going to be all right, innit? Yeah.
Everything's going to be fine.
Janet Janet, what's wrong? Jonny died.
Yum-yum-yum! ( # Avril Lavigne.
.
When You're Gone ) - What the freaking hell's that?! - That's Jonny.
- Of course you do.
- Oh, my God! Hiya! And I'm sorry.
Knock yourself out.
Honk-honk! Step, step, shimmy.
.
.
see how much I need you right now? When you're gone I hate the pair of you! .
.
I'm missing you When you're gone The face I came to know is missing too When you're gone The words I need to hear to always get me through the day Baby time! And make it OK - Jonny's favourite butt plug.
- (Screaming) What the hell is going on? Oh, suck my semi-functioning balls! She's beautiful.
I need you, Gaz Wilkinson.
I probably always will.
- Shall we go home? - Which one? Ours.
You, me, Corinthian.
When the fuck did that happen?!