Ugly Americans (2010) s01e05 Episode Script


Everyone likes to romanticize young love.
Chloe, your eyes are so pretty.
I love the way they distract from your uneven teeth.
Oh, Scott! The way you undermine my self confidence is so sexy.
But usually young love isn't romantic at all.
Usually it's completely terrifying.
Baby, it's a little soon for second base.
But I'm still on first.
Hey, do you mind? So sorry.
Didn't see your supple breasts there.
Neil, this has to stop after we're married.
I don't mind it a little rough sometimes, but is it necessary to take actual chunks out of me? Just be grateful I didn't bring my pitchfork.
You do not want to know where that has been.
Your flesh wounds are getting me hot.
Ready to go again? It's been three times tonight.
Oh, come on.
You wouldn't dress that way if you didn't want it.
I'm naked because you burned off my clothes.
I will take what's mine! Tourists from all over the world Are pouring into the city for Treegasm, The once-in-a-generation mating festival For the Central Park tree creatures, Or "treetures.
" Yeesh.
Again with this Treegasm thing? Seriously, who cares? How dare you? Treegasm is a sacred day.
It combines the beauty of nature With the filth of pornography.
This cityif it's not Portorican Day, it's some tree thing.
Change it.
A retrospective.
Oh, come on.
Treetures, one of the most majestic species on the planet.
In a process that spans decades, The male grows slowly towards his female counterpart.
Finally they permanently merge In a ritual known commonly as screwing.
Dude, can you believe this is basic cable? Give me this.
The last Treegasm in 1969 Became an era-defining phenomenon.
Good lord.
How do they not start a fire? She was faking it.
But oft-forgotten in the in melee surrounding Treegasm Is the potentially cataclysmic Our around-the-clock Treegasm coverage continues With a performance from Lil Wayne Brought to you by Pfizer.
This is a circus.
I guess it has got kind of corporate.
He's singing about the simple beauty of two trees humping.
Leonard, can you pass me an l6 form? Two minutes, mark.
They put top wizard online.
You call this a potion? More like "snore-cery.
" Snap.
I'll get it myself.
Twayne's office, five minutes.
Oh, and, Mark, can I speak with you privately? I don't know what it is, But Callie has been really hormonal lately.
Well, lady demons' bodies are so toxic, mark, They periodically shed them for a new one.
Sex is the only thing that can alleviate Her painful mortal shedding.
As in pms? Hey, that could catch on.
Just keep her satisfied, And you can probably avoid a violent death.
Thanks for the heads-up.
Ah, human weakling, Drunken wizard, here's the dealio.
I was recently appointed to head up Treegasm.
Oh, God! Not you too.
Since I'll need to look my best, I'm spending the next four days Getting fitted for a triple-breasted suit.
I'm leaving the rest to you.
Why us? It's called delegating.
Please run any other form to corporate and cc me in triplicate.
I'm on my new palm pilot.
Sony multiplex.
Theater 12.
Terminal love.
We're still in previews.
I need a wingman.
You're at a chick flick at 11:00 in the morning.
It's when the most desperate ones come out.
Ugh, I'm going to the next theater.
Ah, I think I'm gonna hang back.
Karen, he's disgusting.
Karen can make her own decisions.
Man up, little buddy.
We're going in.
Let's make it rain.
I can't believe we got conned into this.
What is so special about trees losing their virginity? I'm sure it'll be more romantic than my first time.
Oi, Leonard.
Put your sword in me stone.
I really wish they had condoms back then.
It was another 300 years until penicillin.
Hi, there.
Neil, Nikki, I'm Mark.
I'll be your screwing coordinator this weekend.
You excited for the big day? I've been dreaming of this ever since I was a shrub.
I still remember the day my parents told me about the arrangement We chose Neil because he's the only tree around.
You know, it is refreshing, To see two youngsters so committed to each other, especially in this city.
What do you mean? Well, lots of people come here to sow their wild oats Have freaky sex with strangers they don't even know.
You can do that? Mark, I'm sure you have other work to do.
No, what I mean is, You're lucky to have your soul mate right next to you.
A lot of people spend their youth Just having sex with strangers, Doing recreational drugs they don't really get addicted to.
But still have kind of a lot of fun doing And then have sex with the people they do those drugs with And then go out to clubs and meet their friends And, you know, have sex with them.
And at a certain point you're like, "why?" Those are things? Hey, enough talk, Livy.
I have at least 5 holes that need to be filled pronto.
Or else.
You see what I'm talking about? I have to go have sex with her, Right now.
Be grateful you don't have to deal with that.
So, listen up, people, For reasons I won't get into, I thought it would be a good day to talk about safe sex.
Um, if you have a friend who doesn't have genitals, Does he have to participate? Well, you can tell your "friend" That it applies to everyone.
You have to stay.
All sex is safe for me.
I just find a pile of eggs some girl left behind and I fertilize it myself.
Oh, is bummer.
Actually, that's pretty common.
Amoebas also reproduce asexually.
Speak for yourself, bro.
I've canned more tuna than chicken of the sea.
That is wicked funny, dude.
This guy's awesome.
Uh, just a second, it's my roommate.
I'm at work, Randall, this better be good.
It's not good at all, dude, it's a tragedy.
My dick is missing.
Okay, okay.
Don't panic.
Did you make a list of everything you did with your penis yesterday? It's right here.
Administered genital waxing, Attempted skinny jeans fitting, tied kite string to penis at park Made penis watch Bride Wars.
Penis did not like that at all actually.
I imagine not.
Dropped cigar ashes on penis.
Dipped penis in ink when I couldn't find a pen.
And hog-slammed that elephant lady six ways from Sunday.
Wow, well It couldn't gone far, right? I don't know, dude, it got a set of balls on it.
Hold on.
It's Leonard.
Neil did what? Neil, why would you break up with Nikki? I don't understand.
All my life I was told that merging with Nikki was my only option.
But you've opened my eyes, Mark.
There are plenty of other fish in the sea.
I just learned that phrase.
Man whore.
You're killing us, Neilendo.
We think you should reconsider, Neil.
It would take you at least a decade to grow five feet away.
Have you guys ever googled sex? There are literally dozens of websites about it.
But But I've always been there for you.
You're safe and predictable.
I want someone crazy and freaky.
Like that pink one yore safe over there.
Oh, good luck with that.
Considering you can't move Neil, this is absurd.
Don't hate the player.
Well, he's clearly nuts, but he's an adult.
He can make his own decisions.
Ah, Mark, there's something you should know About Treegasm.
It's even lamer than shark week? Shark week is a national treasure.
But there's a reason treetures are forced to merge with each other.
Their roots run so deep, they encompass all of Manhattan.
If Neil goes too long without release, He could develop blue roots That swell up and endanger the whole city.
It's happened elsewhere: London, Tokyo, Wichita.
You're telling me this ridiculous event actually has a point? They all do, Mark.
The gay pride parade keeps the power grid running.
I did not know that.
This is way over our heads, Twayne.
If Treegasm goes wrong, it could threaten the entire city.
Don't worry, Mark.
You're all over it.
What does that even mean? You know, vertical integration Send me a power point, I'll diversify its portfolio, And we'll expense it.
This is all you.
Karen, it's Randall.
Did I happen to leave anything over there last night? No, just a big sweaty pile of me.
Night of the leaving dead? No, it's my buddy Ray's wedding video.
Anything to take my mind off my junk.
I'm sorry, pal, if it's any consolation, Callie is in a hormonal rage, One of the treetures has gone girl crazy, And if I don't fix it, New York could be destroyed.
Um, yeah, I hear that, man.
But let me ask you this, did your dick fall off? When did sex get so life-threatening? It used to be just me and a mildly disappointed woman in my parents basement.
Yeah, nowadays it's crazy man, I mean One time, I thought I hooked up with a robot.
Turns out I was just [bleep] the toaster.
I mean, I got a million stories like that, dude.
Hold that thought.
We're going out.
Also remind me to buy a new toaster.
Hey, Mark.
I just read the game, And I'm ready to get my jiggy on.
I'm going to be juggling so much trim.
How? You can't move.
Oh, a nice chance, douche branch.
I'm peacocking.
Neil, I want you to meet my roommate, Randall.
He's a fellow player.
Hey, buddy.
So I hear you're ready to play the field now.
Do you party, chief? We should go work a club together.
Oh, hell, yes, dude.
We're gonna rock ass.
But if we're gonna be partners, I should probably tell you a little bit about my sexual history.
You see, it all started back in 1993 When I accidentally slept on my arm And invented the phantom spank.
You don't know if it's a man or a woman.
And at some point, you just don't care.
I'm what they call an "ass whisperer.
" It turns out, you don't want to get donkey punched.
There was, like, blood in my stool for, like, 12 days, You know, and then it's not so funny anymore.
I mean, I wouldn't say I'm into ball torture, per se.
You know, I like enhanced interrogation.
I always use his giant gym sock.
Like, why else do you have American apparel clothes Except to mop up? And that's how my crabs got chlamydia.
Oh, and also, my dick recently fell off.
I don't know how I forgot that little chestnut.
I have heard things I cannot un-hear.
I didn't know sex can be so Filled with pus.
Yeah, well, keep in mind, pus is, like, 80% of my body, So it was no big deal to me.
Maybe I really am a one-woman tree.
Nikki, will you please forgive me? Oh, Neilando, how could I say no to that face? Smack! Callie? You here? Uh, good news.
I got Neil and Nikki back together.
I'll take that as, "I don't care"? Oh, Mark.
Take your clothes off and cure what ails me.
Okay, I'm just gonna dim the lights down Till maybe they're completely off.
Well, that's it.
I've looked everywhere.
I guess I'd better get used to life without a penis.
Man, having no penis sucks dick.
Welcome back! If you're just joining us, Tune in earlier next time, jerks.
And also Treegasm has arrived.
For reaction, here are some of the craziest new-yorkers we could find.
Gaia weeps at the majesty of two glorious creatures Coming together as one.
I just want to watch these two trees [bleep].
Yeah! We got to hang out more, bro.
Do you know Kevin? Red hair? He's a firefighter? Stay asleep.
Sleepy sleep.
Stay asleep, sleep, sleep.
Hopefully that'll keep her satisfied till she has this new body.
- Hello? - Randall Scaffington? This is officer Boyle from the Port Authority police.
We found your penis.
Oh, thank God! Where was it? It was trying to board a bus to Buffalo without a ticket.
Officer, I'll be right down.
I'm afraid it's not that simple.
Wait Wait, what's wrong? - Is it hurt? - No, sir, you see Your penis didn't fall off.
It ran away.
What? I don't understand.
I thought everything was fine with us.
I don't know exactly what you put him through, but it must have been rough.
Put him on the phone Right now.
My dick is such a dick.
We are now moments away from Treegasm.
For coverage, we go to special correspondent, Bob Sanchez.
Thank you, whatever your name is.
Behind me, hoards of anxious lookie-loos wait for neilando fettel to literally disFlower companion, Nikki ventrochliada This update brought to you by Mountain Dew.
The official soft drink of trees fornicating.
So thrace of the skull blood clan Just got a new house at the Cape, so wife and I are going up for the weekend.
Cape Cod is so 2007, Gary.
This year, I'm summering in Dubai.
Oh, fellas.
There is someone you have to meet.
This is my top lieutenant, Callie Maggotbone.
Must find human sex slave.
Demon women: Can't live with 'em, can't decapitate 'em without the sceptral of Croll.
Am I right? Neil, how you feeling, buddy? This sure is a big crowd here.
I don't feel so good.
Let's just get this over with, And we'll all feel a lot better, okay? Here comes celebrated actor Al Pacino To deliver the invocation.
Dear lord, please give these two majestic creatures The courage to fornicate for our amusement.
Amen! So much pressure! Will you marry me? Oh, my God! You got this one, Neilbo.
Just pretend no one else is around.
That's a little difficult, Mark.
Neil, I'm waiting.
We've got to hurry, mark.
His roots are so blue, they're nearly purple.
The entire park is collapsing.
Leonard, do you have any spells for, You know, male performance? I'm over 400 years old.
How do you think I still get it up? Wha Incitus errectus viagras.
Oh It's happening.
Our safe word is "arbor day.
" Do us proud, Neil.
I really wish they could get a room.
This is gonna be freaky.
We are approaching the long awaited climax of Treegasm.
Treegasm, brought to you by Scotts lawn care.
I'm scared.
The shedding is at hand.
Bring your human loins to me.
Callie, not now.
I have to make sure everything goes Oh, God! Here I go! Oh, God! Here it comes! Take cover! Yes! Well, it appears that young Neil Has suffered from premature esapulation, An anticlimactic climax To this otherwise titillating Treegasm.
Can I get a towel or some waffles, please? You know who would have loved that? My penis.
Penis? Not so fast, hotshot.
He has some conditions.
"First, I am not a plaything.
"I'm a living appendage with very sensitive nerve endings.
"Second, you must accept me as an equal.
"There's no "I" in penis.
" Uh, no, actually, there is.
But we'll have plenty of time to work on its spelling.
Sign here and here and we'll have ourselves an official genital transfer.
I promise I'm gonna make you the happiest penis in the world.
I have a good feeling about you two.
We live in a society obsessed with sex.
Some don't respond well to the pressure.
Decensitivus bam.
There you go, kid.
That will keep you from popping like Orville Redenbacher.
My two pump stump is now an evergreen sex machine.
For certain people, Sex takes the backseat to their careers.
Booya ,Right through Lincoln's face hole.
Damnit, Gary, I told you not to give me your driver.
Don't tell me how to do my job, bro.
For many, sex is an addiction.
So you're a chick, right? Dude, your advances are not appreciated here.
Seriously, back off, huh? Oh, come on! At least I asked this time.
But for most of us, Sex is just a way to blow off steam.
I'll have a double shot of deer blood on the rocks.
One Jagermeister coming up.
Look at you.
A whole new person.
Any interest in you know, coming back to my place? Sorry, Mark, but after the things you let me do to you this week, You've lost a lot of my respect.
But when you're having sex with the spawn of Satan, Maybe it's best not to ask too many questions.