Ugly Americans (2010) s01e06 Episode Script

So, You Want to Be a Vampire?

As you'd have them do unto you.
But most importantly, Never judge a book by its cover.
Freeze, bloodsucker! That's an illegal vampire conversion! Unfortunately, some people never bother reading books Or their covers.
I seem to recall the only way to protect yourself from a bat Is to punch it directly in the nose.
You're confusing us with sharks.
Oh, really? And you're confusing me with someone who gives a crap.
What happened to you? I'll be fine.
I'm just a bit hung-over.
Such a weak species.
I'll never understand human men Or koala men, for that matter.
I'm excited about tonight.
Oh, me too.
Just remind me what I'm excited about again.
Our 666 anniversary.
Six weeks, six days, six hours Since the first time we had sex in the bathroom.
Oh, yeah, totally.
You forgot and didn't plan anything.
Oh, I have something planned, all right.
You justShow up at My place At 7:00At night.
Can't wait.
You got to be careful with these fruit-at-the-bottom ones.
Okay? Young man, you're here for the Attempted biting and illegal vampire conversion Of a u.
S.
Citizen.
Your honor, I don't know if I can make you understand Or if you've ever had a true love in your life, But if you were me, I wouldn't want to get in the way of it.
That is, if I were a judge, Which probably won't happen, Because I'm leaning towards pre-med right now.
Your honor, if I may.
You may not.
Officer Grimes, you and your department Have a long history of vampire brutality: with garlic, Excessive staking, Reckless use of a crucifix, What is this, a trial or a lifetime achievement award? You're on suspension until you and your men Complete anger management training To be conducted by Leonard powers of social services.
What? As for you two, I'm ordering you to undergo instruction On proper vampire conversions.
Thus ends the case Of the good, the bat, and the ugly.
And I can see the plaintiffs making their way Out of the courtroom now.
How do you feel about the judge's decision? No matter what, love always prevails.
He's so positive, And his eyes change color like mood rings, Expensive ones.
I mean, I am talking brookstone quality.
Hey, I'm over here.
Sorry, sorry.
I got caught up in the moment.
Lieutenant Grimes, is there anything You'd like to say to the vampire community? Yeah.
I'm coming after all you hemos out there.
Oh, and hi, mother.
I'm on tv.
Everyone, I'd like to introduce two new members To the group: Tristan and Blake.
Damn, I'd like to get my brain stem all up in that.
Hey, could you please show a little respect for the lady? Lady? I'm talking about the vampire.
Yay, everyone's staring at my gorgeous boyfriend.
I'm pretty used to it by now.
It's, like, par for the course.
Like, staring at my boyfriend is, like, a par four, And you all just hit the ball four times.
Do you understand? I hate vampire.
They cheap, and they run all blood bank.
And the shadow government.
Hey, those are ugly stereotypes.
Let's look at the facts.
Let's see.
Avoid sunlight.
No reflections.
Feast on wild animals.
Run blood banks and the shadow government.
I tell you.
May I say something, Mark? I assure you, those are all slanderous beliefs Dating back to the days of the madman van helsing.
All right.
That may be true.
I'm not really sure.
But the judge said if you want to be a vampire, You'll have to be approved by the vampire processing bureau Just like everyone else.
And how long does that take? Says here Six to eight weeks.
That's a really long time.
Is that it? I thought it would have more effect If I kept it short.
Now I'm pausing for dramatic effect.
Okay, here I go.
Don't bother coming after me! Sorry, I should really make sure she's okay.
Of course, yeah, go ahead.
Wait! Come back! Why'd you let him leave like that? My [bleep] is blocked.
You see, all that's required To make your murderous rage go away Is to count down from three, two, one.
Voila.
What does that have to do with anger management? It didn't make you angry, right? I suppose not.
Magic.
You see, Mr.
Grimes' goon squad, Perhaps if you think of the milk as your anger Interesting.
Speaks to me on many different levels.
It does? My gosh, I'm a hit.
Say, what are you fellas doing after work? So this is the vampire processing center Where you'll come once you get your approval.
Bureaucracy is the coolest! Right.
This is where the conversion will take place.
You'll also be conditioned to dislike human blood.
And that station right there Is where you'll get your fangs neutered.
So wait.
Blake doesn't even get to bite me? No, you'll slowly lose your color And then grow fangs after a few months.
Oh, that's perfect, 'cause if you look at my day planner, I had "not be a vampire" down for several months.
So it's really ideal.
Again, sarcasm.
Like, if you took what I just said And held it up to a mirror This gaze should keep her quiet for about an hour.
All right, listen up.
I'm suspended, but the battle rages on.
We know all the players.
We just don't know the plan, Because they control the television news, The press, and the weather.
Bastards! I promise you one thing, though.
We're gonna take the fight to those neck biters Before they take it to us! Let it begin! Sorry, I've never been a gangbanger before.
What should I get callie for our anniversary? How 'bout some dirty troll tang? Oh, wait, you already got yourself that last night.
Tell me that's not why I woke up Under a bridge this morning.
Well, that and the horse tranquilizer.
What? Oh, don't give me that face.
I was just trying to loosen you up a little bit.
By the way, you owe me 200 dollars For your half of the horse tranquilizer.
You could have killed me! First of all, I'd never kill you.
Secondlyfive bucks says that's Larry King, dude.
Look, that's Larry King! That mitzi gaynor sure has pizzazz.
He looks even older in person.
What the Get in, punk.
You're gonna stop processing that vampire couple.
And you're gonna start digging up some dirt On that suck-tard Blake.
Uh I think I'll pass.
I think you won't.
Looks like someone went trolling On horse tranquilizers last night.
Whoa, how do you know so much about my private life, anyway? This suspension leaves me With a lot of free time on my hands.
Have you heard of this show Lost? What's in that hatch? Wait, don't tell me.
Netflix.
Look, Grimes, you clearly have an unhealthy fixation here.
Why can't you just leave these two alone? Shut up, Mark! That's pussy talk.
Leonard? What are you doing up there? It's not the power I'm addicted to.
It's the camaraderie.
There they are! Stop spying on me, daddy! Daddy? You're daddy.
You're gonna pay for this hand dent.
Mom, can you talk to dad? He tried to kill my boyfriend.
Oh, you have a boyfriend? Is he hot? Oh, he's gorgeous! But he's even more beautiful on the inside.
He taught me the true meaning of love.
Aha, how's his ass? Does he have a nice ass? UmYeah.
I mean, yeah, it's It's nice.
Uh-huh, what else? Does he talk dirty to you? I'll bet he does.
What kind of things does he say? Okay, I'm gonna go, mom.
Wait, wait, wait, wait! What are his balls like? Describe them.
I can't believe we're doing this.
This has to be illegal.
Some of them look 18.
I should just let Grimes show callie the photos.
Then she can eat my intestines for our anniversary dinner.
Two birds, one stone.
Stop it! I haven't had lunch yet.
Oh, God! Callie's supposed to be at our place in an hour.
Randall, can you do me a huge favor? You need me to bang her till you get home? I need you to go to hell's kitchen, Get some take-out, And make it look like I cooked it, okay? Dude, you can count on me.
Look at this guy.
He is a parent's wet dream.
What No way! No, I hear ya.
I'd mouth blast him if I was a chick.
I'm talking about that.
That's two Larry King sightings in one day.
What are the odds? His new wife must go here.
Blake, what's wrong? There's something awful you don't know about me.
Is it like your terrible "I sparkle in the sunlight" secret? No, no, I realize, in retrospect, That really wasn't so bad.
But this one is so dark, it's sure to tear us apart, And I don't think I could survive without you.
You're as much a part of me as my pancreas.
Okay, that's it.
I can't take it anymore.
Mr.
Lilly? You, sir, Are the perfect gentleman.
Sincere thanks, Mr.
Lilly.
All day following you two around Because Tristan's dad wants some dirt.
Well, I can't think of one reason The two of you shouldn't be together.
My father has ruined every relationship I've ever been in.
My phys-ed teacher, My stepbrother, The mall santa I do kind of agree with that last one.
You two should elope or something, Blow the old man off.
JustWhatever you do Holy crap! There's Larry King again.
We can now confirm New yorkers are transforming into Larry King.
Our own alan whiter is on the scene.
Thank you, girl anchor.
As the mysterious mad Larry disease Sweeps through the city, I spoke with citizens who say They are fearful that they might be next.
My neighbor got it, And now all she does is interview colin powell.
I don't even know how she got his number.
As a kid wizard, or kizard, I can safely say this mad Larry disease Is scarier than a level-three wedgie spell.
I sell suspenders, And I think it's great! Health officials warn you to avoid all contact With anyone resembling the talk show legend.
And under no circumstances Should you share a needle with Larry King.
It's currently believed mad Larry disease Is being transmitted through the blood.
Did you hear that? Through the blood! And to think, my daughter is just one bite away.
Grimes, it's not coming from the vampires, okay? And I'm telling you, Blake is smart, courteous, Looks incredible in a gentle breeze.
I know what I'm talking about.
That kid is at the center of this whole plot.
If only van helsing had finished the job.
Is that a van helsing lunchbox? Yeah, I lost the thermos, but it's still pretty cool.
Listen, Mark, this is pretty personal to me.
I lost my wife to a vampire.
A vampire ate your wife? No, vera had an affair with "the count" And moved to boca.
Grimes, sorry for your unhealthy fixation on this guy, But I'm done.
There's nothing to it.
You're on your own.
Oh, really? Well, I got a troll sitting on your face That says different.
Good lord! How much of this is there? It went on for some time.
Time for your crash course on vampire scumbags.
Don't let her sweet looks fool you.
Katrina handles the blood, And she likes it.
Johnny three-fangs takes care of the bodies, Livestock or otherwise.
And hepcat chet makes sure The medical supplies are always stocked.
Okay, so maybe this doesn't look great, But that's not Blake.
You're right, but who's that? Okay, that might be Blake, But it doesn't necessarily me And that's a dead Larry.
Now, that's just disrespectful.
There must be some explanation for this.
Let me follow him just a little bit longer.
You've got two hours to prove me wrong.
Next up, it's 360 with Anderson Cooper.
Don't change the channel.
What? What? So where was I? Brain kabob, curried brain, Country fried brain.
I'm telling you, my zombie cookbook Is gonna make a fortune.
Randall, where's Mark? I told you, he's on his way.
And speaking of "on the way," My cookbook should be on the way for the holidays.
You'll have brain pudding, Brains and yams, Like, cake and [bleep].
I should never have trusted that snot-nosed punk.
Time to handle this the old-fashioned way.
We have work to do, my darling.
Paramus, new jersey, hello.
Wonderful city.
Oh, dear God, no! You say something, boss? I said, "saddle up.
" We're riding into vamp town.
So how's work going? I don't want to talk about work.
Well, you got any hot friends you could set me up with? I don't want to talk about my friends.
How's the being-a-huge-[bleep] business going? Oh, I see it's going great.
Ugh.
Sit down before I destroy you.
And now you're giving me orders in my own house? You better slow it down, fire-crotch, 'cause you do not want me in your grille.
Oh, it is on.
Leonard, I'm sure it's fine.
We got to roll.
Yeah, it's just been a while Since I've rode steed into battle, as it were.
Chain mail? They should call it "chafe" mail.
Hear that, guys? "Chafe" mail? Hello? Is anybody there? You are a terrible houseguest! Not my best work, but it's a start.
Is that what you tell Mark after a [bleep] job? A hitler mustache? Just like I always thought.
Fear me! My God! What have they done to Larry King? Failure to launch, still thinking about it.
Hey! Mother suckers! Why don't you pick on a king your own size.
I fight better in felt.
Say hello to my little helpers: Siegfried and roy.
May I help you? What? How do you like me now? So help me, you get anywhere near my hair plugs, I'll rip your wings off.
Oakland, california, you're on with miss piggy.
I hope you like your steak well shoved-up-your-ass.
Daddy? You totally look like wolf blitzer.
It's Larry King, darling.
What is going on here? This is my father.
He's a doctor.
He's developed a cure for the mad Larry disease.
Now it makes sense.
The bodies, the blood, and syringes Were all for your research.
But what about the goat? It'sit's a light snack.
Daddy, listen to me.
You've got to let him help you.
How do I find the right words to get through to him? You've got to let go of your hostility, Because I think getting angry Is kind of like another addiction.
You know It's like that time You were addicted to percocet.
Remember I found you in the I'm sorry, Tristan.
We don't have that kind of time.
He's going full-blown Larry.
May I help you? That Barbara Eden is hot.
We should probably take that as a yes.
Oh, thank God! Grimes? Are you okay? Yeah.
I'm all right.
And so are those filthy vampires.
Trust me, that's an improvement.
Well, we did it.
We? I saw you stomomping on a vampire's neck Not five minutes ago.
Oh, don't get lost in the past, Mark.
Oh, no one's ever won over my dad before.
You really are perfect.
But then What is your dark secret? I'm not who I claim to be.
This is my true voice, my love.
I hope that you can see past it, As well as my estates in suffolk, wales, Lancashire, and newcastle.
Oh, Blake, I'd love you even if you were canadian.
Callie? You here? I brought a nice brisket.
- That Mark? - It was.
Well, I must say, you're a worthy adversary.
Your spirit's as fiery as your crotch.
And you can really take some punishment.
Yeah, well, it's kind of my superpower.
Lotsa blood! So much blood.
Love is a funny thing.
It can bring people together, And it can tear them apart.
Me? I'm not so sure about love.
But I do know one thing.
After hundreds of years of boy meets girl, Girl meets vampire, or werewolf meets robot Nothing beats makeup sex.
And we're back.
Thankfully, so am I.
The mad Larry disease has been cured, And here to explain exactly what happened Is Dr.
Sanjay Goopta.
Sanjay, in a word, Tell everyone what the hell happened.
Well, Larry, the cause was a powerful combination Of drugs that you yourself had ingested.
So you're saying that I took pills.
That's correct.
And what pills did I take? Our tests show you took plavix No kidding.
Adderall You don't say! And viagra.
Guilty as charged.
And you may want to take a closer look At your warning labels, because, Larry, It clearly states on your viagra that certain combinations Could cause cloning.
I'll tell you what, Sanjaya, That's not the only thing it'll cause.
You know what I'm saying.
It's It's Sanjay.
We're gonna take a commercial break.
And when we come back, Suzanne Somers With some kind of thigh machine.
Get the viagra.