Ugly Americans (2010) s01e07 Episode Script

Kong of Queens

They say cleanliness is next to godliness.
But it seems to me God might not be the neat freak Everyone thinks he is, Because a lot of what goes on down here Is pretty messed up.
Get your hands off her, you damn dirty ape! Use your inside voice! It's not me that's dirty.
It's the dang spire.
Hi, excuse me, miss.
Could I please borrow your rag and spray bottle? Knock yourself out.
There we are.
A shiny spire and gargoyles you could eat off of.
All right, boys.
We'll get him on the ground.
But before we do, let's give the people a show.
Morning, everyone.
Hope you all had a good weekend.
I know Grimes did.
He spent the whole time monkeying around.
I said, "monkeying around.
" I think he's referring to the fact That I risked my life arresting a giant ape.
It's called an opening joke.
I had no idea.
What? Was I the only one here? I was completely lost.
Curse my wretched delivery.
That joke should have killed.
Ops, my bad.
Broken eye socket.
So hot.
I've never smelled my ear so clearly.
Okay, quick announcement.
Due to a budget adjustment, We're temporarily shutting down our social services department.
What This has nothing to do with not laughing at my joke.
And so after today, All services will be shut down temporarily.
Oh, no! No! I'm sensing some panic in the room, And that's natural.
But you are ready for this.
You had me convinced you really cared.
I feel like such a fool! Do you feel like big man now? Just try to hang in there, And we'll pick back up when the new budget kicks in.
Yes, Kong? I was hired to clean the empire state building, And that's all I was doing.
When can I get my job back? You know kongs are not allowed above the 40th floor Of any building.
Your supervisor said he made that very clear.
I need to clean Now! Sorry.
Fair enough.
Listen, everyone, message received.
You're all emotional disasters.
It feels good to be heard.
The department may have abandoned you, But I will not.
Kong, I'll talk to my boss, see what I can do.
I'm so sorry.
You got a little Hold still.
Hold still.
There we go.
Any other questions? Yeah.
When are you gonna wrap this up So I can toss you out of the building? Come on, Grimes.
Are the blindfolds really necessary? Do I tell you how to do your job? Don't sweat it, Mark.
A little r&r might be just what the doctor ordered.
Whoa, you are already drunk.
I just lost my job, and I live at the ymca.
Get off my back, mother.
Would you mind violently tossing me out On the upper west side, please? Not a problem.
I'll send you a hologram.
I'm sure he'll be fine.
All those people left out in the cold like that.
It really sends a chill up my spine.
I had a dream that I slept with Twayne At the demon convention this weekend And it brought about the end of days.
Did you hear anything I just said? I can't believe how little you care.
I can't believe you have no concern about me and Twayne.
And I can't believe it's not butter.
What are you doing in my bedroom With a tub of margarine? Oh, I masturbate in here on Fridays.
Speaking of which, when are you gonna clear out? There's my ride.
Later.
It's good that we can confide in each other.
Right? Good good talk.
Oh, looks like I'm free and clear.
Hey, maybe you and I could hang out today When you're done.
Pass.
Why? I need my space.
Having you out of the house every day is why we work.
Come on.
You can show me how the other half lives Or not lives, 'cause'cause you're dead.
Fine.
But we better get a move on.
This day isn't gonna waste itself.
Yeah, you're right.
It's got a good snap but too much recoil.
Hey, do you do hand jobs? I never knew you worked as a handyman.
I apprenticed under a master peephole-ist.
That ought to do it.
Whoa, whoa, franco.
Keep your hat on till we're gone.
I didn't think you were a dog person.
Well, I'm not a dog person, per se.
Then why are you doing this? Look how cute you are! Rub your fur on my face! I want to have sex with these women.
I got it.
You've done more interesting things Before lunch than I've done in a month.
I like to think of life as a permanent stay-cation.
Hey, look.
A lucky Penny.
Yo, Sandra Bullock, I think this is my stop.
Can this be any worse? No! I'm sorry.
There's really nothing we can do for you.
But I don't have anything below the waist.
No insurance, no service.
The only way we could see him now Is if it's an emergency.
Really? You don't consider this an emergency? No, I don't.
Those are emergencies.
Everyone else is following the rules.
Either you can do the same, or I can call security.
Grimes? My model trains don't pay for themselves.
We will not be spoken to in this fashion, madam.
I bid you good day.
Now if you would be so kind as to wipe me off the counter.
Callie, I have something to confess to you.
Look, they have orangina.
Seems weird in a limo, right? Put down the orangina for a moment.
I've put off telling you this for a long time.
Callie, I am head over heels Afraid of giving my speech tomorrow.
Okay.
Odd phrasing.
See? That's what I'm talking about.
But you speak in front Of the people at work all the time.
Well, that's different.
I have no respect for them.
Have you written your speech? Yes.
I thought I'd start off with a joke.
That's great.
Let's try it on the driver.
Oh, driver.
We're trying a joke out on you, okay? I'm laughing already.
What's the difference between a demonic council And a room full of chickens with their heads cut off? I don't know.
What? The chickens have far superior Midto upper-level management skills.
I should really probably watch the road.
Damn that joke and all who had the misfortune of hearing it! My driving arms! Oh, my! Fresh-cut limbs, Just like daddy used to sever.
Greetings.
Leonard.
How's it going? Oh, I'm at a cannery in Alaska.
They gave me a free bunk.
All I have to do is gut the tuna.
Man, you really get around, don't you? I go with the wind, Mark, The rotten, tuna-scented wind.
God, that stinks.
What are you doing? I write a freelance advice column For transgendered mommies in South America.
Most of the questions are just about moisture.
Speaking of which, could you drain my bag for me? Randall, I think we're gonna clog the drain.
It's cool.
Virtually nothing about this is cool.
I nearly broke my neck Slipping on your snail trail twice already.
Oh, I'm sorry, dude.
Here, sit down and pee While I go call a wah-mbulance for you.
Look, we really need to do something about this, Like, today.
Fine.
I know a guy that can help.
I'm not here right now, So leave a message at the scream.
Straight to voice mail.
Dude, stop obsessing on Callie.
You know what they say.
If you love someone, Stop bringing up your whore girlfriend all the time.
There's my girl.
Hello.
What's up, broseph? Oh, Kong! Hi.
Just calling for a stat repo on the work situ.
I don't know what you're saying.
I'm climbing the walls here, Mark.
Deep breaths, now, Kong.
You're not alone.
Now, do you have a swiffer? Squirt it for me.
Let me hear it.
I want you to clean your apartment.
Clean it real good.
I'll take care of the situation as soon as I'm done here.
Knock, knock.
- Who's there? - "Q.
" "Q" who? Don't cry.
It's just me, fiscal quarter one.
Is that your opening joke? I'm screwed, aren't I? Perhaps if you focus more on the actual speech.
What have you got so far? Just some random thoughts, you know, really rough.
Increase the creature-to-human ratio, Bring about the end of days, You complete me.
I'm sorry.
What was that last one? "You completely," right? I focus on speech.
"I focus on speech"? Way to go, Twayne.
I cannot believe I'm thinking of sleeping with this guy.
Let him suffer.
Your tibia is basically ground into paste.
We're gonna have to rebuild it out of coarse aggregate.
The femur ain't looking too hot either.
The ball and socket's basically gone.
We're gonna need to order some parts.
What's the E.
T.
A.
on this? No way I can get him fixed before Monday.
Chet, this is bull[bleep].
I helped you move.
Fix me now! Come on! There's got to be something you can do.
I could give him a loaner.
It's not gonna be a perfect match, though.
Stay away from that.
I will cut you! Leonard, what's going on? I'm in a man's hotel, And I'm addicted to spray paint.
That is all you need to know! Hello.
Hey, Mark.
The great brain here.
Wanted to keep you in the loop.
Half of martin nearly o.
D.
'd, Koala man's been recruited by al-qaeda, And that guy with a tree for a head Set himself on fire And is only 40% contained.
How are things on your end? Better than that.
On the day I'm hosting The biggest virgin sacrifice in the history Of the fifth circle of hell, You go and scratch my coffee table? I'm sorry, ma'am.
It won't happen again.
Yeah, I'm supposed to torment you, consuela, Not the other way around.
Yes, ma'am.
Twayne? What are you doing In those underwear? There's no sense in fighting it, Callie.
It's written in the flesh.
I'm disgusted, but I can't look away.
Is this destiny or pity? I'm good with either.
Be gentle.
It's my first time.
Please shut up.
I hope laurie's sacrificial ceremony Goes better than her birthday party.
Whenever I see her driving around in that 5 series, I feel embarrassed.
Thank satan.
What do you think of the turtle pond, buddy? What can I say? Man does nice work.
There you are.
Thank God.
Callie, I need you Will you stop doing that, please? I need you too.
You date a demon, but this is what creeps you out? Don't turn away.
Look at it! Deal with this now.
Sorry about that.
Callie, I need you To sign Kong's work release papers.
Well, I'm thinking about sleeping with Twayne.
That's hideous.
But I might have you beat.
Listen, if you have any interest In saving the human race, You may want to Get your ass down here right now! So after check-in, my seminar is over there? That's right, sir.
Now, please lower your arm.
I'm talking about a solid three inches, bro.
Gary, Zazibos, how are your genitals? Hey, Twayne.
I can't wait for that keynote.
To be over.
You know? Nice! He thought we were serious, but we were in jest.
Jest! This is gonna be a disaster.
You'll be fine.
Wow, you are sweaty all over.
I know.
I have to calm down.
Blow on me, okay? I'm gonna go wash my hand.
What do you mean, "never mind"? Oh, yeah, yeah, crisis averted.
Twayne totally losered himself out of my pants.
I just spent two hours in Randall's van Listening to his summer breeze mix tape.
This will only take a minute of your time.
I'm sorry.
They don't allow humans in the convention.
Maybe I'll sneak you into my hotel room later Through the fire exit.
Gee, thanks.
Or maybe I'll find someone else instead.
Oh, come on! Can you believe this? This is schizophrenic even by her standards.
Right, dude.
That's what you like about her.
Just forget about Callie and enjoy your day off.
Oh, well, that's just a lack of professionalism.
Is there anyone out there That takes their job seriously anymore? I forgot about Kong again.
Careful! You spilled soda on the rug.
If you dab, it'll come right out.
It just has to.
Mark, thank God you called.
I've cleaned every inch of my apartment.
I even alphabetized my entire kitchen.
I tried to wash dirt, but that just made mud, And then I stained my sheets with soap.
Soap, Mark.
How do you clean soap? It's the endgame.
I assure you, I'm doing everything I possibly can.
Is that calypso music? Yeah, I'm sure you're on it.
Don't be like that, Kong.
I'm a man of my word.
You're a dirty, dirty liar.
I'm so sorry.
All right, that does it.
This madness must stop.
You know, you were more gentle with me when I had lady parts.
It's just straight from the seventh circle of hell.
We've got sickles.
Leonard, really not a great time for a chat.
Where are you now? Da Nang, Mark.
They worship me like a God here.
Prepare for the slaughtering! Wow, we're not even through the weekend yet.
Yeah, turns out I really need structure.
I am working on it.
What's the holdup? Bone raper was supposed to start ten minutes ago.
Let's hit the strip club when this is over.
I think one of those dancers likes me.
Callie, you have to get me out of this.
These charts are all wrong.
I can't read my own handwriting.
I felt like I had to take a dump, But nothing came out.
Demon up, Twayne.
You're a bone raper, damn it! Now, pull yourself together, get out there, And do what you've got to do.
Callie, thank you.
I want you to have this.
One manlike entity with a spine: Is that too much to ask? Thank you all for coming.
My boss, Twayne, couldn't be here tonight.
See, he ate a baby Baby? I don't understand.
Sounds delicious.
That was smothered in bad oysters.
Got it.
Now I understand.
How are we at the department of integration Doing our part to bring about the end of days? That's the question.
Isn't it? Yeah, and I got the answer.
In my pants! The first thing we did was eliminate dental coverage From the health plan.
I'd like to eliminate your dental coverage.
Know your limits, gary.
So what's the difference between a demonic council And a room full of chickens with their heads cut off? Callie! Mark.
I will not stand idly by While we turn our backs On the creatures who so desperately need our help.
What are you all looking at? I fought for my country.
I hope you're all enjoying your fancy convention With your swag And your shrimp cocktails And whatever that is you're eating up front.
It's hummus.
But I have a Kong with ocd Who desperately needs to get back to work.
The american dream is alive and well In Kong's giant messed-up head.
And so I stand before you, Inspired by his obsession, to ask, Nay, demand, That you sign his work release papers.
I'd be more than happy to.
This is a perfect example of how our program works.
If we can get bleeding-heart vaginas like Mark Lilly To buy into our program, We will increase the creature-to-human ratio, Assuring us all of a diminishing human population And the end of days for mankind.
I'd love to read that business plan.
I'd love to read your vagina.
No, gary, we're past that.
My business plan, actually.
Yeah, wipe out the humans.
Oh, except Mark.
They're dead.
My favorite.
I'm sorry I don't care about your students.
And I'm sorry I, Don't really have anything to apologize for.
Well, how about for not being More possessive and unreasonable? Sure, no problem.
I'm glad we're together.
We all like to complain about our jobs, But some of us would go crazy without them.
And a good morning to you, sir.
For others, work isn't something you do.
It's something you have done.
The gun really isn't necessary.
Is your stupid face necessary? But for me, It's about teaching new citizens that in America, We're all equal, No matter how ugly.
Come slither up, creatures, from under your stone to join New York's menagerie of species unknown Well, you better conform or we'll drag in your bones to the department of integration.