Ugly Americans (2010) s01e08 Episode Script

Better Off Undead

You probably wondering what's going on.
Let me explain.
You have a bear trap locked onto your head ready to rip your jaws apart.
[panting] You find yourself in this situation because you're a pathetic, useless worm.
To escape, you'll have to dig the key out of that guy's stomach.
As a social worker, I find that people tend to create obstacles for themselves.
They become their own worst enemies, And all that tension builds up inside Until they can't hold it in anymore.
[door slams open] Get out of here.
I got to drop a deuce.
We are working out a domestic issue, Not that it's any of your business.
I just made it my business.
And now I'm going to do my business.
[gasping] [whimpering] [wet farting noises] You have one new message.
Hi, I found a wallet for one Mark Lilly.
And I'm entering the witness protection program today, so if you're gonna want it back, You need to call me immediately at Beep! Message cut off.
Inbox is full.
Randall, you've got to clear Krystal's message off the machine.
No chance.
Crunch! Splort! There should really be a warning on this bag.
Old message, 47 minutes.
[upbeat dance music and muffled speech] Her phone clearly dialed you by accident.
If you fast-forward to minute 34, Her mumbling has the cadence Of someone saying, "Randall, I love you.
" [muffled speech] "Randall, I love you.
" Clear as day.
She's the girl you went zombie for.
I get it.
But you have to move on.
She has a name.
Krystal, with a "k.
" There are lots of other women out there Who don't have restraining orders against you.
All you ve to do to meet them is push that delete button.
Not gonna happen.
Come on.
Let's push it together.
[muffled speech continues] No! Snap! Beep! Message erased Forever.
I'm proud of you.
Just keep it.
Everyone, this is Tim.
I thought his name Martin.
We're Martin.
Do we all look the same to you? Yes.
As they should.
They're all direct descendants Of the original two-headed worm creature, mitch.
Worm creature history is littered with examples Of right heads dominating left heads, Going all the way back To the great unpaid butler scandal of 1912.
In the '50s, left heads suffered the indignity Of separate drinking fountains.
Then there was the disturbing trend Of right heads pimping out left heads.
I'm so glad that we work, you know? Mwah! I know what you're insinuating, But we don't have a problem.
That is, if certain heads want to keep their last two teeth.
I've seen enough.
[cloth tears] No! I can't make it on my own.
Would you give us a minute, please? Please don't upset him.
He's not a merciful head.
You need to get away from him, Tim.
Listen, I'm late for my psych evaluations.
But I'm here for you 24-7, man.
You'll get through this.
At least leave me the junk.
Okay, it's time for employee psych evaluations.
Let's get started here.
Any emotional issues you feel May impact your ability to do your job? The only thing that gets me out of bed Is the thought of robbing a bank.
Well, as long as it remains a fantasy.
It really bothers me that I don't have any girlfriends.
I just get along better with guys for some reason.
Again, just focused on work issues here.
I don't understand today's women.
Sure, megan fox is handsome enough, But I've never once heard her mention Her theories on housekeeping.
You know, there are a lot of online dating sites for seniors.
Maybe you're right.
Septuagenarians have a sexual resume To please me in the sack.
And by "sack," I mean testicles.
I'm very particular about how they're handled.
I see.
Good to know.
Grimes talked about old women handling his balls for the rest of the hour.
On top of that, I still feel guilty about separating Tim.
I'm responding to you.
Wait a minute.
What are we doing in a restaurant with cloth napkins [gasps] are we stalking Krystal? Well, I guess you caught me, Mark.
Now, quit blocking my stalking mirror.
Randall? [growls] Oh, great.
Now you got unibrow cong over.
Happy? Comrade zombie, You will leave, or I will break you.
[screams] My only retina! So How have you been? I just texted the police.
You're so cute when you threaten me.
Now you will taste my eye acid.
Splat! [sizzling] Ow! Who squirts acid out of their eye? What, were you raised in a barn? You're lucky I was able to pull some strings To get you out on bail.
You're my four-leaf clover.
I want you to promise me You're done obsessing on Krystal.
What am I supposed to do all night? Stalking Krystal was such a great time killer.
I'm sure you'll think of something.
"paper fastener.
" Four letters.
Smooch! [camera shutter snaps] Ugh.
It's like nothing I try gets her off my mind.
The internet will know what to do.
[keys clacking] Are you a zombie but afraid to stalk? Yes.
Do you kill yourself walking at a normal pace Rather than a comfortable zombie stagger? I've never not done that.
Hello, I'm xavier gates, And if the answer to any of these questions is yes, You should slowly come on down To the new paltz zombieology center, Where the undead go to feel alive.
[groaning] What? Randall, why am I dressed like Krystal? Sorry, you're gonna have to solve Your own problems from now on.
Why? Where are you going? To the zombieology center.
I'm leaving behind everything I've ever known or been, Just like you told me.
I'm pretty sure I didn't say that.
Your words can't hurt me anymore, Krystal.
At least give me time to find a new roommate.
[door creaks] [sobbing] I have nowhere else to go! You and worm guy are gonna be great together.
I made your favorite breakfast, a hot dog bun filled with scrambled eggs and all the fixings.
How did you know about egg dogs? You've only been here I took your cell phone and called your mother.
Is that okay? You can cut me if you want.
Listen, I know you have codependency issues, But you don't need to seek out my approval.
Although if you're looking for notes, It could use a little pepper.
Welcome to the zombieology center, Randall.
I'll be your mentor On your journey to becoming a pure zombie.
When do we start stalking? There's this girl I'm really obsessed with, And I want to start harassing her asap.
Patience.
You must creep before you stagger.
[glass shatters] [screams] Hi, xavier! Hi, ashton.
Great window smash.
Really alarming.
Ashton used to drive a school bus.
[distant screaming] We affectionately refer to this area As the graveyard.
Because it is a graveyard? Precisely.
Oh, my God! No! Think of it as a place where you can Really get in touch with your inner monster.
[screaming] inner monster? You sound like my roommate, dude.
Just get to the point.
Very well.
Smack! We'll move straight to burying you alive.
Part of the reason today's zombies are so soft is, Most never had to fight their way out of the grave.
Stop it.
Ow.
You're soiling my shirt.
We'll worry about that after we've broken you.
[muffled screaming] See you after the dirt nap.
Ha! Good evening, my lord.
Hey, you can call me Mark.
And I don't need turndown service.
[whimpers] It's okay.
This is a safe place.
We really need to work on your self-esteem And your pillow fluffing.
These things could not be lumpier.
Oh, God, I'm so sorry.
Is that better? Yes, of course.
I apologize.
I don't know where that came from.
Take the rest of the night off.
[noisy whimpering] So he's just going to stand there.
[owls hooting] [rumbling] [gasping] Well, well, look who's up.
Well done, Randall.
It's with great pleasure that I bestow The official zombieology grave climber badge.
[panting and gasping] It is also my distinct pleasure To offer you this glass of water.
[gulping] [choking] I probably should have done the water part first.
[woman screaming] [moaning] American popping corn? [speaking indistinctly] [panting] Slower! More limping.
Smack! Whoa! [growling] See the door, smash the door.
[shouts] Respect the door.
[keys clacking] [knock at door] Mark, I'd like you to meet my new girlfriend.
We met at the bus station.
She's a runaway.
I don't want to be an actress anymore.
Call me! We'll go for Cosmos! Quiet.
You'll wake Tim.
I can't believe how small he can make himself.
What do you say we torture him together? No, I'm breaking up with him tonight Before he gets too attached.
Class, the Randall you met yesterday is no more.
He's taken a new zombie name, So let's say hello to [roars, clicks tongue, and grunts] He's going to tell us what he's learned so far.
[groans] [coughs] Excuse me.
I still have some dirt in my lungs.
Unlike oxen, zombies never sleep, So the greedy skin wearers Put our brothers and sisters to work plowing fields.
The live man's military used our people to sweep for mines.
By replacing crash test dummies with zombies, The auto industry made millions On the rotting backs of the undead.
The end.
[slow applause] a lot to think about.
Well done.
American cookie circle? Sit.
Good boy.
[horns honking] Mark, there's something I need to tell you.
Tim, I think we need to have a little talk.
Sorry.
You first.
[screams] I'm going into labor! Hey, come on, I just had the cab detailed.
Oh! Sorry, Mark.
Didn't mean to interrupt.
[screams] You were saying? Never mind.
You ever deliver a worm head? No, and the meter's running, pal.
[groaning] The new head's coming, Mark.
Leonard.
He'll know what to do.
Nobody say a word, or you're all dead.
[cell phone rings] hello.
Leonard, I got a little situation here.
Tim has gone into labor.
[sirens wailing] I've got a bit of a situation myself.
Are you robbing a bank? [laughs] Mark, this is no time for crazy accusations.
Look into the neck hole.
You should see a face.
[gurgling] There's no face, just a chin.
Oh, boy, it's coming in breech.
You're gonna have to pull the head out.
Zap! Mark, I got to run.
[screaming] [wailing] Oh! I'm so glad we're gonna raise this head together.
Don't ever leave me, Mark Lilly.
[crying] Daddy.
Just drive, okay? You've staggered And you've smashed your way right into our hearts.
But you have one final step to take.
Bring out the cage! What the hell is going on here? I demand to speak to the manager in charge.
Crack open his skull and feast.
Then we'll bring you Krystal for dessert.
[laughter] hey, stop it.
This isn't funny anymore.
I have a wife and mistress.
Oh, yeah! Don't choke on his hair.
Brains! I'd like to thank the love of my life, Mark, who's going to take care of me and my baby head forever and ever.
I hope this is first of many for you and worm monster.
Randall.
Everyone, I'd like to say something.
I used to have a roommate.
We could not have been a worse match on paper.
A zombie living with a human? But somehow, we made it work.
Do you see where I'm going with this? [heavy, labored breathing] He has to be careful, or he'll swallow his tongue.
Congrats.
I'm putting you two back together.
I'm gonna need your consent to make this happen.
Blink once if you want to rejoin the left half.
[cheerand applause] But my cigarette burns haven't even healed up yet.
Well, now you can heal together.
Daddy, don't go! [wailing] I don't know.
I wouldn't have ordered the tims back together If something wasn't off.
May I be frank? Please.
Mark, my obsession with bank robbery was all-consuming.
But even after the successful getaway, I found it didn't fix me In here.
So you did rob that bank.
'cause legally, I might be required to You're missing the point.
Your guilt about driving Randall into a cult Is destroying you.
"driving" is a little severe.
I may have played some small role in Name the one thing that Randall wants most in the world.
Krystal? Yes.
You've done the hard part.
Now take that last step back from the brink.
What do you want me to do? This is not going to end well.
All right, let's do this.
I'm looking for Randall skeffington.
I heard he wants to eat my brains.
Yes, he checked out this morning and went home.
Huh, of course he did.
Randall, where are you? Back home.
What's the matter, corn muffin? Oh, nothing much.
Listen, I'm gonna call you right back.
Taxi! Leonard, you convinced me that my very life depended on turning into Krystal.
Really not ringing a bell.
To free Randall from living the rest of his life in a cult? Mark, in case you weren't aware, I have a serious drinking problem.
Whatever, just get your wand out And get me out of this tube top.
Of course.
I'm nothing if not a pro.
Abra re-dude-bra.
[shimmering tone] Hocus add-a-penis.
Huh.
Tell you what.
Let me sleep the booze off And give it another shot in the morning.
[grumbles] Boy, I could get lost in those eyes.
Yeah, they wanted me to eat some dude's brain, Then pay, like, 500 bucks, So I told them to kiss my grits.
Huh.
I really wish I had that information Before I turned into a girl.
Well, it might not be a total loss.
You could make a longtime fantasy of mine come true.
What's the big deal? No means no, mister.
Let's see if we can talk about this, As non-homicidal adults, in the morning.
[yelling and pounding] [gasping and panting] Ew! What? Whoa! I've really let myself go.
[cell phone rings] Leonard, thank God! What is happening to me? I have some bad news.
But first, did you get the gift basket I sent From Dean and Deluca? I did not.
Oh, it was supposed to be delivered before 9:00.
Just spit it out already.
Well, it turns out the spell I used on you Was actually a curse.
Long story short, you will die of old age By week's end unless you [mumbles indistinctly] I didn't catch that last part.
You have intercourse with a man To completion.
You are a terrible wizard.
I can't argue with that.
Look, babe, you're gonna have to face this, or you're going to die.
Man, my cooch is as dry as a bone.
Is it hot in here? As much as I like having a girlfriend, we have to get you laid Soon.
I'm gonna set you up with a profile at undatables.
Com.
Better go as slutty as possible.
My specialty.
Girlfriend, you got a hit already.
Oh, my! Is he Cute? Depends.
Do you like mustaches? This is the worst thing that's ever happened to me.
[tooth clatters] More cocktail syrup for your shrimp scampi pancakes? No, we're finished, honey.
[ladies whistling and catcalling] Cha-cha-cha.
I've recently reentered the dating scene.
And I've been making up for lost time, If you know what I mean.
You must be a real stud.
You can be the judge of that.
[snickers] I'm gonna kill Leonard.
[exotic tango playing] [groaning] Ow.
Cha-cha-cha.
[gasps] [loud fart] [groaning and gasping] [shuddering] [clears throat] Good morning, ma'am.
[electric motor whirring] Hey, here's the steel wool you wanted.
They say people don't change, That we're dominated by our genetic code.
[growls] oh.
Mine.
[cries] But you can't hide from your faults forever.
Presto change-o.
It's probably best to just try to be the best versions of ourselves that we can Applebee's, here we come.
And away we go.
And not to dwell on the versions of ourselves [clears throat] we'd like to forget.
Listen, Lilly, Leonard told me this was you.
Let it go, Grimes.
I got to say this once.
Then I'll go.
If you ever find yourself in that situation again, For whatever reason, I'm here for you.
You know where to find me: Long John Silver's, corner booth.