Ugly Americans (2010) s01e09 Episode Script

Kill...Mark, Kill

Current nobody Jessica Alba Is trying to put herself back on the map By hooking up with former president Abraham Lincoln.
Older men are out, but ancient men are totally in.
He's tall, he's famous, And Louis Vuitton makes his stovepipe hat.
The two are rumored to be celebrating her birthday By attending the Broadway show a corpse line.
Do you think the evening might end up in the Lincoln bedroom? I am so turned on by you right now.
I'll tell you what Lincoln and Alba need: A nickname, like bennifer or brangelina or stoprah.
Everyone is completely missing the point.
Lincoln is returning to the theater For the first time since his assassination.
[snoring] Those who don't learn history are doomed to repeat it.
Albaham! Am I good or what? [slurping] What Go away.
Shoo.
Why don't you make me, wandless? Could if I wanted to.
You are so dead! What's going on here? Oh, what's up, player? Careful, you're smearing.
Just hanging with my nemesis.
And no acknowledgement for me whatsoever.
Less talking, more sning, hologram.
Why is he in 2-d? I stopped him when he was halfway Between the underworld and our world.
I order you back to the evil realm.
You screw off.
Leonard, there's something wrong with your wand.
Just chillax.
My wand is dope.
I don't even need it.
I'm scheduling a wand consultation.
I'm as virile as ever.
I can see your man-boobs through that shirt.
Eyes up here, terry.
Okay, you need five minutes in your time-out tube.
And you, what's going on, buddy? It's not a late-life crisis, if that's what you're implying.
Wait, the polish hasn't even set yet! Today I'd like to talk About Lincoln's many accomplishments Since his death.
He started the Lincoln foundation, Helping minotaurs find their way out of mazes.
He's actively involved In the rainbows for leprechauns program.
Perhaps most interesting of all, he invented the sunroof.
Toby.
I heard that Alba is just a beard And he's really into Mark Wahlberg.
Can we get off Jessica Alba d focus on what's important? Lincoln is able to get so much done Because he respects the rights and opinions of others.
I suppose that's aimed at me.
Well, you tell me.
Obviously, it struck a chord.
Maybe it's something for us to explore.
Interesting.
You know, a good place to start digging Might be into Leonard's abdomen, Preferably with a rusty knife.
Your sarcasm is not appreciated here.
I am completely sincere when I say I want to floss with Leonard's veins! Flossing is very important.
Wonderful.
I just folded my bladder.
I couldn't help but notice that your pee is black too.
And we both have barbed shafts.
Hurts so good.
Am I right, brother? [laughter] We are totally in sync.
I'll shake him off.
Be the guest of myself.
Drip! [thinking] two solid hours.
See this red dot? That indicates water damage.
Oh, water damage? I haven't been near any so-called water.
There's seaweed in it.
Anyway, can't be fixed.
AndCue the hard sell.
Check out the XL-550.
Japanese cherry blossom.
Only 49.
99 per month, century commitment, All of the spells and unlimited hexing included.
For the thousandth time, There's nothing wrong with my wand.
When they're over 400, They get really defensive about the wizard stick.
You're smoking now? This has nothing to do with Lincoln.
Whoa, where did that come from? Oh, never mind.
[sighs] you wouldn't understand.
Oh, I think I do.
All the news about Lincoln dating Alba Has you feeling pressure to act young The ridiculous ponytail, dating a mermaid 1/20 your age, The glitter.
Go run me a bath.
Yes, my liege.
Give me your wand for a second.
Why? Just humor me.
There.
Was that so hard? No.
Now give it back.
That's not how this is going to go.
Mark, I'll die without that wand.
It's time for a little tough love.
That wand is my life force! Just want to say that I saw what happened And express how sorry I am.
But there are no refunds.
Killing Leonard was The single most traumatic experience of my life.
I hope you all can find it in your hearts To understand that.
Murderer! I guess not.
So now I would like to read a poem I've written Entitled wizard man.
"Abra-cadad-bra" [whispering] excuse me, sir.
Mm-hmm? No time? Sorry, looks like we do not have time.
Please enjoy some cookies and coffee.
Just tell me the part where his head exploded again.
No! Everyone out! [people murmuring] What is going on? We have the room for another 15 minutes.
I said spread 'em.
Hey, take it easy.
[siren wailing] Albaham! [disappointedly] oh, just ham.
Mr.
President! How did you know Leonard? Sir, back away from the glass.
He must have really liked leond.
Wow, he's going to town on that thing.
Are you thinking what I'm thinking? [together] presidential reassassination.
Unbelievable! This has been happening to us all day.
Here it is.
He's a lot denser than he looked.
Oh, you didn't say anything about a five-story walk-up.
You wait here, and I'll find out If there's an elevator or something.
Don't eat that.
[slurping] Crash! Oh, man.
I should have used two hands.
[knocking] Hello? Anyone home? [ominous music] Another Lincoln connection.
Leonard was in Lincoln's security detail? He kept that to himself.
[screams] oh, sorry.
It's just, you seem so much like a ghost.
You break into my apartment and call me a ghost.
Eh, nice manners.
So Leonard actually protected Abraham Lincoln? Well, "protected" wouldn't be how most would describe it.
[gunshots] [people screaming] That man shot the president! Somebody stop him! Fan out! The assassin must be nearby! I can't believe it; I'm talking to the world-famous actor john wilkes booth.
So long! Ah, much less charismatic in person.
From that night on, he never stopped blaming himself.
I know how he feels.
I am so sorry about killing your host.
Leonard's not dead.
Not dead? We just had his funeral.
Yeah, I probably should have said something earlier.
It was so nice having some time to myself.
Wait, but he blew up.
Where is he? The gestation urn that you carried over here, It holds Leonard's flesh together So his body can regenerate back into the original Leonard.
Oh, my God, I didn't kill him.
That's incredible.
Yup, super.
I can't wait to get back on manscaping duty.
So many band-aids! There's pieces of Leonard everywhere.
Are you sure it all landed in here? Leonard's hologram said We need to get all the pieces together Before they regenerate, Or we're going to have some kind of problem.
You missed one.
Magic! Magic! Magic! Magic! Magic! Magic! Magic! Magic! Magic This must be the problem he was referring to.
Who wants chocolate chip cookies? Me! Yeah.
I do.
I have a gluten allergy.
They'll be ready in 20 minutes.
In the meantime, I want you to edit down this grocery list.
I am only buying one kind of cereal.
[all complaining] Make sure it's wheat free! [yelps] Got your message.
Kind of busy.
Do you have a question? Yes, how do we undo this? And why are you dressed like that? I haven't been allowed to dress myself in 500 years.
Leonard hated brown.
I think it brings out my eyes.
Candy, candy, candy! You fed them? They gave me the puppy dog eyes.
You know, what could I do? Man, you just keep screwing up.
It's going to be that much harder To mash them down now.
What do you mean? I want to lick the bowl! Whee! [screams] Keep doing that, and eventually you'll be left With one normal-sized Leonard.
You're saying I have to kill Leonard Again You should have smashed the garbage bag full of them Against the dumpster when you had the chance.
My penis is lightly huger.
Last one down's a rusty wand! [crying] Okay, first rule of murdering: Don't get too attached.
Hey, look, a bird A little help! Hey, 7 wait up.
Bouncy, bouncy I have nuts.
Can I go play in that guy's van? [motor running] Yes, I'm afraid you can.
Yay, sleepover! Do I regret this decision? I figure I'll lose 20 a day to natural causes.
We should have Leonard up and running in a few months.
Your denial's really turning me on.
Is that weird to say? merrily, rrily, merrily, merrily merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily life is but a dream Good night, 21.
Good night, number 311.
Good night, 463.
I think we're doing a pretty good job.
What do you think? I want you out of the apartment By tomorrow morning.
Wait.
Why? Dude, we go through a bag of kitty litter Every ten minutes Because of their bladder infections.
Randall, I'm itchy inside again.
I'll get the cranberry juice.
[telephone ringing] [clears throat] Mark and Randall's residence.
I see you standing over the body Of another dead president.
We had cereal today.
What did you eat? Pay attention, damn it! Lincoln's going to die, And it's going to be all your faultAgain! Hang up the phone, twayne.
I told you not to say my name.
He couldn't hear that.
How can you not hear "twayne"? It sticks in your head.
Twayne, twayne, twayne [echoing] twayne, twayne Somebody's going to try to kill a man named Lincoln, And we have to stop him.
Pass it on.
Pass it on.
God, it's perfectly natural to sit down when you pee.
Pass that on! Tell me what you want.
I want you To murder all the tiny leonards for me.
Get out.
I'm not just some murdering demon Who kills out of obligation.
I do it for pleasure.
If you'd just please let me sleep here tonight, I promise I'll slaughter all of them tomorrow.
I heard the slender one say he wants to murder us.
Maybe we should cut a deal.
We have to work together.
Lincoln's life depends on it.
[bleep]! It's every Leonard for himself.
Magic! [all yelling] There can be only one Leonard.
[yells] Just bide your time, 254.
They'll destroy themselves soon enough.
Okay, guys, I'm getting kicked out again.
Time to get back in the sack.
Let's do it.
Suck it, Lilly.
Plotting Lincoln's reassassination with you Has been the happiest time of my life.
Reassassinate Lincoln? [laughs nervously] Hello, Mark Lilly.
Did I just hear you talking about killing the president? Who were you talking to? Hee-yah! See, when I say I'm with you, I'm with you all the way.
Don't make me cry.
I'm going to get all wrinkled.
Oh, no.
Dut, dut, dut, I've got to find somebody To kill these leonards for me.
Grimes, you're my hit man? Who's this Grimes? I'm Raoul, Mark.
Now, what's this about? You need to find these little leonards And kill them.
If that doesn't happen, Lincoln will be dead again Within a fortnight.
What do you care? Lincoln's already dead.
It's not for me.
It's for Leonard.
If I don't get him back to full size by showtime, He'll lose his chance to redeem himself.
I will hunt down and kill your leprechauns.
But I am just one man.
Sounds like you could use a snitch.
Let's hear him out.
I can track them.
I inserted chips between their shoulder blades While they were sleeping.
I'll serve them up on a silver platter.
What's the catch? I get to be the Leonard That saves the president.
Deal.
And you gotta keep these bad boys coming.
I don't work with junkies.
What other choice do we have? Fine, but I don't want to see it.
Oh, hi.
Can I get you a drink? Stop! Yeah! Right leg, blue.
[laughter] Oh, God, no.
No! Faster! [gunfire] Hasta la vista, baby.
Do it.
What have I become? You don't want to do this, son.
[sobbing] [toilet flushes] Screw you, Lincoln! Again.
Fourscore, my ass! Again.
Mary Todd was a oh, came in early there.
Damn it, hit the hole and unroll.
Is that so hard? Look, there's no sense in doing this If it isn't going to be fun.
I'm sorry.
I just get worked up sometimes.
[weakly] That's my head.
Oh, I'll get some liquid paper.
Night's the night for Glitz, Glam, And impenetrable security.
Anyone who looks suspicious is being taken away.
You're in for a world of pain, son.
[orchestra tuning] We love you, abe! What am I thinking? My rotator cuff hurts.
I can't make that throw.
Twayne, look in my eyes.
You are going to murder a man tonight.
We're going to murder a man tonight.
I've never been a "we.
" And Ththat's the last of 'em.
Shouldn't he be larger? My eyes are having trouble adjusting to their new size.
Son of a bitch.
You're not going to believe where he is.
Don't worry, Mr.
President.
I've got your back.
These are the best seats you could get? Well, I want mosh pit for lady gaga.
Whatever you say, dear.
What the fudge is a mosh pit? What are we going to do? We'll never make it to the theater in time.
And even if we did, we'd never get in.
You know what has to be done.
I'm not proud of this, But I crushed up some vicodyns in his pudding.
Now finish the job.
Me? I hired you to do this.
I've never killed a partner.
I'm not going to start today.
You want to bring back your pal, Lilly, You got to take out your tampon.
Venti frappuccino, extra whip.
Grande americano, no room, two splendas.
[sniffs] And he remembered the splendas.
What's the plan anyway? Boy, is it hot in here? I can feel my heart BeatingInMyTongue.
Tell you what.
Why don't you hop up on the bed and tuck yourself in? But I gotta get up.
The president needs me.
I'm going to need you to stop talking And close your eyes And go to your happy place.
[lively band music] dead living as a zombie limping around, craving brains dead your reanimated body is pus, bile, and oozing veins Looks like some heroics are in order.
[grunting] What I wouldn't give for 2 1/2 more feet.
The Earth they'll shoot you with a shotgun life, you really haven't got one Sic semper tyrannis! you are you are Yes! [crowd screaming] doo doo doo we got the perp.
The national nightmare is over.
What the hell are you doing? He's trying to murder me.
It's not what it looks like.
[panting] Don't listen to him.
He's done it before.
They say all the world's a stage.
Attempted murder is a serious charge, buddy.
You're going to have to quit attacking old ladies.
We spend our entire lives Trying to hit our Mark before the curtain drops.
But maybe the roles we play aren't what's important.
It's who we get to share the stage with that counts.
Looks like you slayed some dragons out there.
You've spoken out of turn.
Yes, sir, I, too, have grown these past few days.
I must admit I was wrong about the brown.
It's like I'm seeing your eyes for the first time.
Thanks for acknowledging.
Call me? I have no choice.