Ugly Americans (2010) s01e10 Episode Script

Sympathy for the Devil

Power is a dangerous thing.
All hands on deck! We got a wafer here.
When left unchecked, it's easy to lose yourself in it.
Ahhh! I suck at this.
Look daddy, get your hands off my chest.
Let's see what this does.
Oh crap.
Our net.
And that's when trouble starts.
Dear mother of God.
Counsels-men, it's Patrick.
One and the same.
That's the end of a political career.
Not a chance boys.
You're looking at your next mayor.
I got me a deal with the devil.
Hello, beautiful.
What's her story? That's great brain's fiance from Canada.
- Well, that's a green card two-weeker If ever I've seen one.
Listen, my mother gave me that briefcase for my eight Check out those lobes.
They're huge.
You have got to introduce me.
Why? What? What? So you can eat her? Right, because I'm a zombie.
It's 2010, mark.
Time to let go of the hate.
Callie Maggotbone.
There's my kitten.
Did you get the box of Cubans I sent over? Kind of in the middle of something, daddy.
Wait, wait.
Just wanted you to know we might have an opening.
[man screams] No, definitely have an opening in the chief prosecutor's chair.
Love to have you.
Very happy where I am.
We'll discuss this later.
Look, if it's about the compensation package, I know I'm sorry, councilman.
Where were you? Thought I'd start my acceptance speech with a joke.
[clears throat] what did the penis say to my left hand When I was bored Friday night? Bwah! Honk, honk.
[growls] [giggles] You can't stop this guy.
Why am I here again? You've no doubt heard About councilman Fitzpatrick's sexcapade yesterday.
Still horny.
Any takers? He's going to be doing his community service Here at the d.
Congratulations, mark.
You're counseling the future mayor of New York.
[clears throat] I don't really see that happening.
Oh, it's happening.
A soul contractor with the bone raper is ironclad.
Right, Twayno? Absolutable.
Great campaign slogan.
Put it on everything.
Just wondering, what's to a deal like that? You have some sort of a plan or a to-do list or Oh, I certainly hope so.
- Ah! - Honk.
Aha! There goes the chick boner.
Okay, class, I'd like to introduce Councilman Sammy Fitzpatrick, who Hi, folks; I'm councilman Sammy Fitzpatrick, And I am one of you.
Vatie Futzer.
You are Croatian? God, no.
Councilman, these folks aren't allowed to vote yet.
Oh, then screw you guys.
Is ow.
Whoa, cool it, all right? This is a place for healing, not hurting.
[sighs] Looks like I'm at the wrong meeting 'cause I want to hemorrhage this mother[bleep].
She's just having a hard time adjusting to New York.
We're fine.
We are not fine.
You promised me you had a good job.
Turns out he works as a sponge cleaning houses.
Hey, why don't you guys lock stems, Make this thing right? Oh, please, mark.
She hasn't touched my stem in five years.
Never been happier to be alone in this world.
Look, marriage is like a political discourse, And as the councilman can attest to, there's no Where did that prostitute come from? Marla here is gonna show me a good time tonight.
I'm pregnant with your love child.
So there's that.
Well, my boner just got an eviction notice.
Honestly, he may have the worst political instincts I've ever seen.
He's not even wearing his flag pin.
Ugh, why do I put up with Twayne's crap? I should just move back to hell and work for dad already.
Get it over with.
He's got his pants off again.
That's a public park, councilman.
Okay, okay, you've seen it, you've seen it.
Dogs and hobos know this is mine now.
Seen here unloading a shipment of zombie prostitutes In a video clip he provided us, Councilman Fitzpatrick has virtually no future In the field of politics.
Hi, ma.
[sniffs] Ooh, they're fresh.
No putting that one back in the box.
I'm going to have to report this.
Report it to who? The high council of Satan.
If I don't report a willful breach of a soul contract, It's my ass in a sling.
[whistles] punishment in hell.
That's got to be rough.
Someone's getting their guts ripped out On the killing stone, and it ain't gonna be me.
Okay, here we go.
Oh, mark.
Uh, hey, buddy.
[gasps] um, hi, Mr.
You know, I dreaded this moment, But now I find myself embracing it.
You guys want in? Ugh, I really need to make some changes.
Question stands.
Well, I asked you guys to come by Because clearly there's something very wrong With your marriage.
Delores, is there something you want to tell great brain? I don't like what you picked out For our Macy's gift registry.
Brain, the other night, I caught Delores [voice over] you shut your mouth, mark.
You shut it.
You say one word to my husband, And I will end y you, bitch.
Wait, you can read my thoughts? Well, can can brain hear us? Are you guys talking about me telepathically? - He's too weak-minded to hear us, One of the many reasons I don't respect him.
I'm almost completely convinced You're talking about me telepathically.
Oh, I've got you.
What is it you want from Randall anyway? He has a big empty head, And he wants nothing in return.
Great brain, this is gonna come as a terrible shock, but Ah! How dare you defy me? Enjoy this migraine.
Whoa! Oh! Come on, sweetheart.
We're leaving.
Dude, try to pull it together.
[sirens blaring distantly] She reported me to the demonic council.
Can you believe that? I don't know what that is, so Candy ass Callie.
That's what we called her in grade school.
His honor.
Oh, my God.
I woke up.
There was blood everywhere.
It was Awesome.
Major rush.
You mean you feel mortified and it was horrible.
Mortified, right.
Did you just think of that? Looks like we just found our new speech writer, Eh, Fitzy? - Absolutable.
- Absolutable not.
Sorry, mark, this is America.
Majority rules.
Okay, I prepared the acid bath.
One of you gets to cut up the limbs.
Rock, paper, scissors? I am not cutting up a dead male whore's body, Twayne.
Somebody needs to call the police.
Police? Oh, thank God he's a zombie.
Wait a minute.
Tucker, is that you? Don't look at me, Mr.
[crying] I'm so ashamed.
I thought we were passed this kind of behavior.
I tried to resist, But then he promised me a cabinet position.
It was a lower cabinet position.
[laughing] if you know what I mean.
[phone jingling] Sir, you made a terrible demonic pact.
- Have not.
- Ugh.
You guys clearly need to work some stuff out, So I'm just gonna go and ooh! I strongly urge you to cut your losses Before it's too late.
Fine, I will.
Lilly? You're my new right hand.
[wheezing] wha Fine, you'll both be dead in a week.
I'm going to lunch.
Good, go.
Mark will handle the dirty laundry from now on.
Get a real bike.
FYI, there will actually be Some dirty laundry to take care of.
[dreamy orchestral music] I love you, Randall Skeffington.
I love you, Delores surname.
- Oh.
- Okay.
- Wow.
- Okay.
That was amazing.
Is that what brain sex is? - Uh-huh.
Did I blow your mind? Yeah.
Now let me blow yours.
- Ah-ah-ah.
Come on, just the tip.
No teeth.
[sucking sounds] Oh.
What what are you doing down there? Looks like you're moving up in the world, kiddo.
The big man likes what he sees.
I'm talking high stitch olefin Berber.
I infrared screened it, man.
It's pure.
And where's my stuff? Uh, down the hall in Your new office.
Carry this with you at all times.
Hell hath no fury like a demon Who has lost her corner office.
Game on, maggot.
Oh, I'm gonna pay for that.
And here I am.
How's that speech coming along? Just to reiterate, No speech-writing skills whatsoever.
Are you kidding me? What is that, comic sans? Too much.
[zapping and melting] Five years I've been Twayne's right hand.
All that sacrifice.
Definitely a stain on the rug, No question about it.
Do you realize what would happen to Twayne If I so much as picked up the phone right now? Look, I've seen people come and go in this game, And only the weak fail.
You're too strong for this, Callie Maggotbone.
You're right.
Of course I'm right.
[bleep] mark.
[bleep] Twayne.
It's about you and me and the carpet now.
Thanks, Leonard.
That is An erection.
Sorry, it just feels so good on my feet.
Hello? Daddy? Kitten.
I cannot believe this.
[shouting and cheering] Fitzy for mayor! Can he win? All: Absolutable! Can he win? All: Absolutable! Honk! All: Honk! Honk! All: Honk! How did you pull this off? Tens of thousands of devoted satanic worshippers.
Plus $37 million from my trust fund.
Ladies and gentlemen, Mr.
Morgan Freeman.
It started with a fish and a dream, A twinkle in a proud mother's egg sack And something she'd read once in a history book: That in America, dreams really can come true.
I'm getting goose bumps, And I can't stand Fitzpatrick.
There's no risting the charms of Morgan Freeman.
Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the former mayors of New York City And one member from Bachmann-turner overdrive.
All: We endorse Sammy Fitz as the next mayor of New York.
You ain't seen nothing yet.
[jets whooshing] hallelujah, hallelujah Here he comes.
Go fitzy! [people shouting] Yeah, go me.
Hell, yeah.
Honk, honk.
[dicing swund] [all gasp] Oh, my God, no.
What causes a young fish to swim upstream? [people screaming] To fight for an idea that seems so far out of reach? Cut his Mic.
Cut his Mic.
I've been told to stop narrating, But that's not going to happen.
Oh, they all grow tired of the narrating eventually.
My ex-wife found it soothing at first.
This hole smells like old tennis shoes.
Our leader's dead.
Any chance we could, uh, Weekend at Bernie's this thing? Not likely, sir.
Then I'd say we have a bit of a monkey wrench.
So my little girl wants to come into the fold, huh? I want to destroy Twayne.
Well, you know the deal, kitten.
Come work for me, consider it done.
[grunts] Oh, my little girl's first death trial.
Bring me bone raper's spine! So I'm thinking of proposing to Delores.
[machine vibrates] Randall, listen to me.
Delores is a total skull digger.
She is only dating you because she wants To live inside your head.
Honk, honk.
[giggles] Too soon? [grunts] Both: Hmm.
[thunder crashing] [people shouting] [gasps] [beast growling] [hyenas laughing] [fire whooshing] Why won't you break? No! [snapping sound] [audience gasps] Splat! That's what you get for loitering.
[disinfectant squirting] Well done, kitten.
Three more slaughters, and we're good for lunch.
[back cracks] Oh, I should have stretched before court.
- Leonard.
- Hey, mark.
- You're on their side? - No, no, no.
Well, yes.
[gunshot] My knee! The fourth circle of hell court is now in session.
The damned versus Twayne bone raper For conduct unbecoming a demon.
Proceed, counselor.
Thank you, your honor.
First I have to tip my cap to you.
This courtroom is Very, very frightening.
- Thank you.
- [clears throat] What does it mean to be a demon? That's the question.
It takes a heart of coal.
It takes a hatred of humanity that runs so deep, You can feel it in your cloven hooves.
And I don't think there's a demon in this court Who could fill the cloven hooves Of Twayne bone raper.
Yeah, baby.
Thank you.
[person coughs quietly] Stupid words, your honor.
Stupid words from a stupid man.
Oh, yeah.
Bone raper, How many souls have you acquired In the past demon fiscal year? Well, it's hard to keep track, really.
And it belonged to a one Antony whiskers, house cat.
[audience commotion] - [grunting] - yeah, yeah, yeah.
We're all aware of his most recent failure.
So I'd like to move on To some of the other bad deals he's made.
Uh, I'll show you mine if you show me yours.
- Ta-DA.
- Ta-DA.
[gunshot] oh! Msbone raper, Twayne hurt himself.
Oh, my God.
You poor man.
It's totally cool.
They grew back.
[bumper clattering] Listen, before you say no Yes.
Remember me, Twayne? [in girl's voice] I used to be a little girl.
Sarah, no.
[gunshots and screaming] Honestly, there's no way to prepare for something like that.
Yeah, there's gonna be a ten-minute wait.
I'll give you $500 to be seated immediately.
Finally, I've left the most damning piece of evidence For last.
Exhibit a: Mark Lilly.
Hey, that's you.
You're on the monitor.
That the bone raper would select a yes man Like mark Lilly to represent him at his own tribunal A man with virtually no experience in a court of law Is truly remarkable.
I ask you, is this the action Of a being worthy of the title of demon? The prosecution rests.
I thought you were going to close With the drums and smudge pots.
I decided to go another way.
Sure, I've only been at it for 2,000 years, But I defer to you.
How does that feel, lover? Really, really tight.
Okay, I know I'm new to the brain sex arena, But what are you doing? Shh.
It'll all be over soon.
Look at her.
So smug and competent.
Maybe we should talk to her.
It may not be too late for a plea bargain.
Why? This is in the bag.
[man screaming] Thank you, Skarks.
He'll be at Caesar's palace this weekend Performing his salute to Hawaii.
I haven't seen it, but I hear it's wonderful.
Okay, execute him.
It's the dagger I used to finish off my first defendant.
Now it's yours.
Oh, thanks, dad.
That's really sweet.
We're gonna have a lot of fun, you and me.
I only wish that you were born with a penis.
Hey, I guess you'll be staying here in hell after the murder.
I just wanted to say it's been weird and fun, And I know I never deserved your office.
Twayne, last chance.
I don't want to work here with my dad.
All I want is my old office back.
No deal.
You can't possibly be this stupid.
Nobody tells me how stupid I can be.
Ah! Oh, you really did it.
What did you think was going to happen? Things just usually work out.
Because I'm always there to clean up your messes.
Oh! Ah! Okay.
You can have your office back.
Mark's demoted.
No more sexual tension.
You were right about everything.
You were always right.
[grunts] I'm dropping the charges.
[moaning] Let's get him to the hospital.
He's losing a lot of snakes.
Sorry, daddy.
This just isn't for me.
I'm a New York girl now.
Whatever makes you miserable, dear.
[whimpering] Where have you been? Did Delores do this to you? I've been through five hours of nasal torture.
What? Where is she? In the closet With her husband Having sex.
Oh, you like those fat, useless zombies, huh? Call me a skull digger.
I'm so spongy for you right now.
You hear that, zombie? Spongy.
This is what gets us off.
Mind games are all we brains have.
Interesting, interesting.
Get out of my apartment.
There will always be a special place for you In my basal ganglia.
Hey, you hungry? Let's go to basilica's for some borscht.
I just feel so used.
Sorry, pal.
I know.
It hurts now.
But it'll get better.
I'm sorry too.
Don't worry about it.
We all get caught up sometimes.
No, not that.
Delores made me pee on her In your bed.
You know what, you keep that.
Really? Yay.
Power: For some, It's fleeting.
Oh, why? It doesn't make any sense.
For others, it comes naturally.
[sighs] All I know is, it doesn't like me.
Go easy for a few days.
Your white snake count is still quite low.
[knocking on door] Hey, I just wanted to say I'm sorry I screwed things up so bad.
Things worked out exactly as I planned.
I came out of this stronger than ever.
[laughs] Oh.
Well, except that you have To crap in that bag for the next month.
Speaking which, it needs changing.
Honk, honk.