Ugly Americans (2010) s01e11 Episode Script

Hell for the Holidays

We like to think of the holiday season as a time of tolerance and good cheer.
- Happy Halloween! - I think of it more as a weekend with relatives where hopefully, no one gets killed.
- Trick or treat! - I'm sorry, children.
We don't celebrate that vile and racist holiday.
It's called Halloween.
And I'd advise you to give these children some humping candies.
Get out! Ah! I forgot the twins! Mommy! Somebody call the police! The police are already here, ma'am! I better see some Twizzlers when I get back! In the kitchen, I saw raisins! Today, I thought we would focus on "Samhain," our national demonic holiday Thank you for not saying "Halloween.
" And, more to the point, tolerance of said holiday.
I'm gonna puke.
Hey, I don't like this either, but your racial insensitivity is about to get you kicked off the force.
[retches] [all groaning] I ate way too much candy.
Oh.
Stupid smell sensors.
We are all old enough to remember a time when October 31st meant dressing up as witches and warlocks, but as the creature population grew, they took the human holiday as an affront, culminating in the horrible Halloween riots of 1979.
Real turbulent time there.
Hello, everyone.
Class, we are all in luck.
Miss Maggotbone is taking us all on an insider's tour of hell before the holiday.
[retches] All in favor of agreeing that Grimes has learned his lesson, say, "Aye.
" ALL: Aye.
- Thank God.
Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! [deep growling] Hello? Anyone home? Perhaps I have the wrong address.
The abusive house who refuses to be occupied? Hoo-ah! Look, it says here you were built in 1935.
How about we start acting our age? This from an ancient wizard in cowboy boots? Would you like to talk or be destroyed? How long have you got? Now, when you think "hell," most of you probably think of the fancy outlet stores and upscale chain restaurants, but there's more to it than that, right, Miss Maggotbone? That's correct, Mr.
Lilly.
In fact, there was a time when hell's primary function was the perpetuation of the demonic race.
How cool is that, gang? [gunshot] Ugh.
Stupid metal head.
[door creaks] Okay, and away we go.
Oh, boy.
[flames whooshing] [crying] We are standing on the floor of one of the only four still-active demonic manufacturing plants in the continental United States.
As you can see, very labor-intensive.
[squealing] [steam hissing] Nice and evil.
From here, the newly minted demons go to the cooling vats, right, Callie? That's correct, Mark.
Then it's off for a rigorous inspection by a master demon maker who will check for lunacy, strength, and genitalia barbing.
Teacher, when for to get shopping again, in new hell? Once again, people, no more questions about shopping until after the tour.
[screaming] And so after a long series of bad investments, controlling shares of hell moved out of Satan's bloodline entirely to its current CEO, Yamaguchi Enterprises, LTD.
Oh, the shopping mall magnate.
Correct.
Daddy says if it weren't for them, "hell" would still be a four-letter word.
Oh, speak of the devil.
Hope you're right about 2012, Damek.
We've got a lot riding on this.
Slam dunk, my friend.
No worries.
Validate this man's parking, would you, Cathy? Callie, sweetheart.
Okay, that concludes the tour.
I think we all learned something here today.
Yes, you can all go shopping now.
Oh, thank God.
- Daddy, you remember Mark.
- Of course.
How could I forget the plainest man in the world? I understand you'll be joining us at the lake house this weekend.
Yes, sir.
I am always interested in learning new cultures.
New cultures.
Right.
I bet you give one hell of a toast.
Got to get a stick for him.
Excuse me.
I'll be right back.
What does he know about the games? Virtually nothing, sir.
[in demon voice] Excellent.
You don't know the things people do when they think they're alone, wiping boogers on my banisters Right.
Masturbating in my showers Not good.
Peeing in my kitchen sink.
Meep.
Looks like they installed that skylight wrong too.
[grumbles] Thank you for noticing.
How would you like someone cutting a hole in your head to "let a little more light in"? You're preaching to the choir, sister.
I still think twice before proclaiming the Earth revolves around the Sun in a public square.
[sighs] It's nice to let this all out.
Look, I don't know how to say this without being insulting, but no one wants to hear what you have to say.
They just want to live here.
[roars] Oh, boy.
Yow! Use a coaster, God damn it! That's teak.
Oh, back to square one.
[demonic moaning and screaming] What's your motivation? Tommy, how many times we gonna go over this? You're an autistic Burmese rice farmer who's managed to crack the Ukrainian nuclear launch codes.
Be a professional! [sighs] Tom Sizemore.
Unbelievable.
Since when are you making a movie, anyway? Since all the pieces came together.
I've got Houston Rockets Center Yao Ming laying out half the cheddar.
If I could just get one more silent partner, I'm a stone lock for a Palme d'Or.
[bell dinging] Mark, we met briefly.
Such an absolute pleasure.
Yeah.
Yes, of course.
[crunch] [screams] Oh, my goodness, Mark.
I am such a klutz.
Thortex, Bethla, get this pinkie on ice at once.
Oh, Mark, it's just a pinkie.
She is such a bitch.
I'll be happy to see the next one come along.
Oh, God.
Dude, did you feel that? Of course I felt it.
Ow.
No, I mean Callie's stepmom totally checking me out.
She has no eyes.
Is everything visual with you? So superficial.
I can't tell you what it means to me that you came out for this weekend.
My pleasure except for this horrible pain.
I had to spend my summers out here after they got divorced.
Not the fondest of memories.
Hi, Callie! Care for a fast game before high tea? Not right now, thanks! I didn't realize you guys grew up next to each other.
Hey, Twayne! [growling demonically] Why is he looking at me like that? Oh, don't mind him.
He gets all evil and competitive when he comes back home.
Classic.
We all revert in our parents' house.
[growling demonically] That's real, real terrifying.
Randall, I am begging you.
Please do not sleep with Callie's stepmom.
That reminds me.
I should really get started on dinner.
Thanks for making that awkward.
How did you move that fast? It's a blessing and a curse, really.
You know, plus I offered her a part in my film.
You're gonna get me killed this weekend, you know that? She'll play the streetwise Puerto Rican special needs teacher.
[whispers] If we had more money, it would be Rosie Perez.
Feed me! Feed me! I would like to wish you all a happy and evil Samhain.
ALL: Good Samhain, Twayne.
I would also like to apologize for my mother's absence.
She's not feeling well.
Yeah, she's been suffering from the same "illness" the past three years.
I'll put these in some goat's blood right away.
I should be going.
Tomorrow's a big day.
Good Samhain, Twayne.
[growling demonically] What a yutz.
He's got nothing on you.
With your wonderful teeth, you smile like a cigar shop Indian.
Thank you.
You could show a movie on those teeth.
You know, when I first arrived here for dinner, I must admit, I was worried about being poisoned or - Jesus Christ.
- Fattened for slaughter.
You have all been very gracious, put me at ease.
Thank you.
Tough act to follow, huh? Oh, he really sucks the air out the room.
Now, if you'll humor me for just a moment, I'd like to introduce my new wife, Sandy.
ALL: Hi, Sandy.
Hello, everyone.
Is she the bomb or what? I don't quite understand.
The new wife buries the old one on Samhain at midnight.
Let's get some pictures.
How about one of the whole clan? With Sandy about to stab Brooke - with a carving knife.
- Great idea.
Mark, you take it.
ALL: Cheese! I'm not taking this picture.
[all groan] Oh, for God's sake.
You'll notice the crown molding throughout the home.
You won't find that in newer construction.
I looked over their application.
Not interested! We'll be in touch.
Well, at least take a magnet? [roars] That was a perfectly good cold cut platter that you just wasted.
What the hell was that about? Get out! Get out? We're back to "get out" again? I wish I was dead.
Oh, sweetheart, you are a train wreck, and I'm afraid you've left me no option.
It's time to go nuclear.
[moaning] Brooke? Well, aren't you a dear? Say, what was that being dragged out the back door? Ah, ah, ah.
You know what they say about too many chefs in the kitchen.
- Your life is in danger.
- Huh? [gasps] Ah.
Okay.
[growls] Who wants apple pie? I think that's enough dirt, honey.
We got 15 till Craig Ferguson.
Shovel.
You're not joining the burial ceremony.
What about you? Just screw them and dump them in the grave? Hey, mister, I just lost my third leg of financing tonight.
[cell phone rings] What? You like Kimmel? I got to talk Yao off the ceiling.
Why don't you try to get some sleep? I just have this creepy feeling that if I nod off tonight, I may never wake up.
[demonic growling] [speaking Chinese language] Trying to do the right thing in hell? I must be nuts.
Wha Huh.
Hello? Anybody in here? Wha whuh-ah? [both scream] [screams] [screams] What the hell? Ooooh! Agh! Cut! Cut.
Just remind me: Did I ask for dripping blood and some hokey fake ghosts in the middle of my sex scene? I'm calling my agent.
I thought I'd try something.
No ad-libbing! I'll ad-lib your face off, you hack.
Get a handle on your client, Lenny.
Clear the set.
Darling, you're killing me here.
Production rental for a cheap horror film is my last move.
Will you please just stick to the script? Aye, aye, commandant.
Would somebody care to explain why I'm looking at a clone of myself? Truth be told, Mark, I am as confused as you are.
It's my fault.
I'm responsible.
I wanted to give him a fighting chance, Daddy.
Fighting chance at what? Never mind, Mark.
You're our guest, and here we are, cloning you without permission.
It was rude.
[grunting] Bbetter? Uh-huh.
Good.
Now come with me to the Lake of Fire.
[growling] Stroke, stroke, stroke, stroke.
[groaning] [roars] [thwack] [shrieks] Lava grub, Mark? Uh-uh.
Your loss.
[slurps] [belches] Repeat.
[clears throat] So you're telling me you had no idea that you're being prepared for the Satanic high order.
I was not aware, no.
Well, I am super surprised to hear that.
You see, Mark, you're to fight Twayne to the death tomorrow afternoon.
I can't fight Twayne.
I'll get killed.
Well, that's why Callie was growing the gladiator clone, before you threw it back in her face.
I'm sorry, but the answer is a respectful no.
[grumbles] But the blood courts have already been reserved.
Plus if you back out, my entire bloodline will be eliminated.
Oh, man.
I know! Oh, man.
[pebble pinging] [gasps] Who is it? I'm a good person! [whispers] It's Mark Lilly from work.
My mother would have a fit if she knew I was out here barefoot.
[demonic roar] Never mind, Mommy.
Go back to sleep.
It's just my friend Mark from work.
What are you doing here? Kind of a funny story, really.
Apparently, Callie's dad pitted the two of us in a fight to the death for Callie's affections.
[growling demonically] I take it from the death gaze, you already knew this and would like to win.
Oh, very much.
- So huddle up.
- Okay.
Here's the plan.
[whispering indistinctly] I must say, you smell really nice today.
Just had my carpets steamed.
Listen, Lenny, we need to talk.
Oh, Jesus.
Those words are never good.
I've found myself another agent.
I knew there was a reason you hadn't signed the contract.
He's going to hook me into the murder mystery dinner theater circuit.
Surprisingly lucrative field.
But I could have done that if I knew it's what you wanted.
Please, don't make this worse.
I think you best clear out.
Go.
Go.
Go.
Go.
Go, helmet man.
Catch it.
Catch the pickle.
Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! Yeah! I like soccer! Oh, my God.
Who shoved my clone into the garbage can? Now it's his clone.
[groaning] Can someone at least hold the can down? Everything squared with Twayne? It's in the bag.
Really poor choice of words.
[demonic moans and screams] I challenge you, Mark Lilly, in a battle to the death in blood court number eight.
And I accept your challenge, sir.
[growling] Well, look who grew some balls to go with those straight, beautiful teeth of his.
Hmm? Really, really clean.
And clash and stab up and die.
Okay, when I fake my death yeah? I'm gonna stick my tongue out and give them my dead-eyed stare.
Like this.
Then you come over and dramatically close my eyelids.
Check.
And then I put my foot on your chest and scream like this.
[roars demonically] Hmm, if you must.
Anybody seen my cozy? [cheers and applause] [squelching] Gross.
Is it so hard for people to clean up after themselves? It's the fourth death match of the day.
Sundays are Sundays are brutal.
Okay, this thing's gonna be over quick, so I'm gonna need all your PIN numbers for after he kills you.
Look, I know my fighter.
You'll want to know I'm taken care of.
Plus my film is dead, and I'm 40 grand in the hole.
[bell dings] Now, go get him! I've thought it over, and I decided to kill you after all.
No hard feelings, 'kay? Wait, what? [blows whistle] Agh! [gasps] [squelching] [applause] Boring.
[squelching] Oof, good thing I made a side bet.
Thank you, thank you.
I love you too.
I thought you were going to fake it.
Look, there's only so much I can control when it comes to slaughter.
You want some? He's really good.
I'm not hungry! [tearfully] Mark [chomps] How can you eat that now? We all mourn in our own way.
[sighs] Looks like there's no escaping my destiny with Twayne.
Well, I mean, I get why you'd be grossed out by the dude, but all in all, life in hell looks kind of sweet, especially with your setup.
[sighs] He's staring at me again.
Huh? Anything else I can do? Oh.
It is with a heavy heart that I report the following.
Leonard will be in charge of Social Services.
[sobbing] Oh, none of this makes any sense! Um, I'm just trying to get my week scheduled.
Um, when are we gonna have the intercourse? [gasps] Morning, everyone.
Mark? In the flesh.
Aha [stammers] But I ripped your head off and fed your liver to the crows.
Or did you? You see, right after they buried Brooke, I found a recipe for cloning me.
[groans in pain] I raised that clone to full term, teaching him everything I knew about death matches and about life.
I must say, the "Wait, What?" issue was a trying period in our brief but important relationship together.
[garbled speech] Come on, Mark.
We're going to miss the death match.
What's taking so long? What, is he rubbing one out in there? Look at my mouth.
We have one minute to get this right.
[garbled speech] [moaning softly] [groans in pain] [garbled groaning] I'm a dead man.
Watching clone Mark have his head ripped off was one of the saddest yet proudest days of my life.
No hard feelings, 'kay? Wait, what? He got it! Agh! The only obstacle remaining was retrieving my bloody clothes and making it through customs, which, believe me, was no walk in the park.
Excellent surviving skills.
Very crafty.
Next time, check in before reserving the blood court, okay? All of us answer to different authorities Hmm.
Some to our mates One more year of this crap.
And some to our parents.
You should really keep it to a canter, Mommy.
[demonic roaring] But no matter who we are trying to please, we rarely wind up far away from where we started.
I can't believe you didn't let me in on the plan.
Eh, you would have sold me out.
Ah, probably right.
Happy Halloween, everyone.
I think you mean Samhain, there, David.
Ba-ba-ba-ba, brains