Ugly Americans (2010) s02e10 Episode Script

Mummy Dearest

They say that you'll never be bored if you're treating life as an adventure.
Ha! Oo-ah! On the other hand, you'll also probably die quite a bit sooner.
Mummy.
You're awake! You're looking as radiant as the day you died.
Son, I have risen from the dead to deliver a message.
Your toupee looks like my bush in the '70s.
But that's why I thought you'd like it! Gah! Doesn't today feel wonderful, like a rainbow wrapped in a screaming orgasm? That's an interesting metaphor.
But you're right.
It is a big day.
A very important day, a day for celebrating with an egg-cano! Wow, an egg-cano.
You went all out.
Look out.
The egg-cano is erupting again.
"Oh, God, egg-cano "where no one expected, in the heart of New York! Ooh, look out, Anne Heche!" Hi, Toby.
What's going on? Mark, how much is The bus? How much was it yesterday? $1.
50.
So how much do you think it will be today? I don't know.
I want you to figure this out on your own, Toby.
I'll see you in class.
Don't forget your present.
You know how important today is to me.
Wait, Mark.
The bus is coming.
Mark.
Ooh, did you say "present"? Who could that be for? Oh, wouldn't you like to know.
It's a surprise.
And it would mean everything to me if you would be there at 1:00 P.
M.
sharp.
Oh, should I bring my camera? I was just thinking that.
We are gonna want to remember this day.
He can have the rest for lunch.
I holstered my gun.
We disposed of the body.
That concludes the minutes from last week's meeting.
On to new business.
Gah! Last night my mother, a mummy, awoke from the dead.
I know.
It's unbelievable.
Ahh! Mother was always disappointed with my lack of ambition.
She died thinking I was a failure.
So during her visit, we're going to trick her into believing I'm running the d.
O.
I.
, that Leonard is my manservant, and that Callie is my beautiful but icy and distant wife.
If you think I'm sleeping with you In exchange for your cooperation, I want you to open the box beneath your seat and keep what's inside.
It's like Oprah's favorite things! That's a priceless artifact that's been in our family for centuries.
You can sell it and buy yourself a decent skirt that goes all the way to the floor.
Sex is back on the table.
The world's oldest whiskey.
It's not for drinking, of course.
Sa-mooth! There's nothing here.
Wait, is it a car? Show me a Pontiac aztec, Oprah! They don't make that model anymore.
We're all agreed he's a horrible liar.
We'll store him in the closet for the day.
Shh, shh.
Surprise! Sorry I'm late.
Got the camera.
Brought some oxycontin too.
Figured we'd just get weird and see what happens.
Ahhh, sorry folks.
False alarm.
Forgot Randall was coming.
Forgot? What's going on? It's a surprise party for Doug's birthday.
Thanks for taking pictures.
So this isn't for me? Of course not.
Go stand in the corner and make sure you get Doug's delighted expression when he walks in.
Surprise! Get him off! So sharp! Get him off! Happy Birthday, Doug.
Happy Birthday, Mr.
Teddy Bear.
I'll see you at home when you're done with work.
Randall, what is wrong? If something is bothering you, I want to-- hope you like your eggs over-ass[Bleep].
Ugh.
Food is the fight! Yah! Guh.
I'm diabetic.
Oh, quick.
Someone run Erik's Insulin program! Oh, no! You got icing all over my pastie.
Mm-hmm.
Mummy! Welcome.
This is where I do my important bossifying.
Ah, the heads I've lopped off from behind this desk.
Your son is a cruel employer, madame.
Lick my boot, you pathetic worm.
Ahh! And my lovely though cold wife, Callie.
You'll notice her breasts are engorged with milk.
This happens in the first trimester.
You're going to be a grand-mummy.
What? She's not pregnant.
She's fat.
Is she a beard? Don't be ridiculous, mummy.
The missus and I are like a couple of horny teenagers.
Let's give 'em a show, tits.
Mm, mm.
Pathetic.
That's no way to kiss a man.
Ahh! Did you catch my tongue work? You have to really thrash around in my boy's mouth to hold his attention.
And meet Twayne, the mental deficient I keep on hand for entertainment.
Dance, freak! I've seen enough.
You're a disgrace.
Look at the dregs you surround yourself with.
But mummy's back.
And from now on, she'll be running your life, since you clearly can't do it for yourself.
Come, gimp.
To the nearest cocktail lounge! Heyah! Wow, that was some birthday party.
Doug can really rage.
Randall, are you okay? Um, what is with the cupcake? It's our one-year anniversary of moving in together.
And you forgot.
Oh, is that a thing? Every roommate couple I know celebrates it.
I'm sorry.
I've been caught up with work lately.
Not "lately.
" All the time.
All day long you're with class.
All night long you're with Callie.
You're not roommates with me.
You're roommates with work.
How can you say that? There is no one I'd rather live with.
How would you know? You might have detailed files on Doug and Toby, but you don't know the first thing about me.
Quick, how do I wear my pubes? Shave, trim, or full bush? No idea.
But I do know your favorite color is purple.
Green! I rest my case.
And for the record, I have a kid 'n play: Kid on top, play on the bottom.
But I guess you don't remember that, even though I wake you up every day to show you.
I hear what you're saying.
And I promise I will be a better roommate in year two.
Now let's sign that new lease.
Oh! I think maybe it would be best if we went month to month for a little while.
Listen, let me make it up to you.
I'll take a personal day tomorrow, and I will devote it to getting to know my roommate better.
Is that a promise? Promise.
Now it is way past my 9:00 bedtime, so I need to hit the hay.
Beep beep! Wake up, roomie! It's tomorrow.
Up next on roommate day, the world-famous zomfield dream theater.
Zombies come here from all over the world to watch performances of dreams they remember from when they were human.
We're sneaking in the back.
I am not at all comfortable with this.
You know how I feel about stealing.
This looks oddly familiar.
Okay, class.
Today we're gonna talk about the size of my penis while I hand out my teeth.
Teacher fit nicely in palm of hand.
What is going on? This is my exact dream.
This is wonderful.
I, Mark Lilly, am flying.
Flying! Here's the thing.
I've been selling excerpts of your dream journal.
What? That is a massive violation of my privacy.
Excuse me.
May I see your tickets? Oh, yeah, no problem.
I got 'em right here.
Fire! Fire! Francis, you and your circus freak entourage don't have an appointment.
Now go fetch my bag balm and massage mummy's thighs.
Yes, mummy.
Mrs.
Grimes.
Your son has something to tell you.
Mummy, I lied to you.
I wasn't running the D.
O.
I.
This isn't my manservant, and she isn't my wife.
I'd never [Bleep] Someone like that.
I'm just the lowly head of security here.
But I like my life.
It fits me like an itchy Christmas sweater.
Can't you be happy for me? Francis, I'm so sorry Oh, boy.
This--this a real Oprah moment.
Sorry that you went so soft while I was gone.
You need some discipline.
Aw! Your bottom is completely unshaven.
Are you even feeling this through this butt jungle of yours? Mummy, your reign of guilt and inappropriate touching my bathing suit area is over.
Grimes, you did it.
You killed your mother.
I don't think so.
Feel my motherly wrath! I summon the army of my ancestors to teach my son a lesson.
What are we doing at the today show? And why did you insist I dress like this? It's always been a personal goal of mine to appear on the today show.
Huh? And they always talk to veterans and their nurses.
But I'm not a veteran.
Hey, man, if you don't want to help me, I totally get it.
I mean, it's not like I'm a floating brain with a fear of heights or a fish-man who can't swim.
No, I want to help.
This just seems a little weird.
Hello, soldier.
Private lauer here, thanking you for your service.
Tell us about how you lost the use of your legs.
Don't ruin my dream.
Well, private lauer, I was serving in country.
And, yep, got injured when Charlie just opened fire, opened up the fire.
It was bad.
Well, his caregiver has a lot of war stories himself.
I mean, his catheter alone, talk about a quagmire.
I mean, talk about, "we should have pulled out a year ago.
" Back off, pal.
This is his moment.
Just look into that camera right there and say, "we'll be right back after these messages.
" That's my line! This man is a fraud.
He dressed like a vet to get on the tv.
I'm ashamed to know him.
You traitor! I hate myself for believing in you! Ahh! How did you know he was faking? I can spot a true patriot from a mile away.
We'll be right back after these messages.
Oh, my God, I have to call my parents and tell them I finally got on the tv.
Yeah, I know my mother is gonna be real proud.
After we're good and loaded, we'll go on the subway and just lick random people until they pay us to stop.
I made like 30 bucks doing it last Tuesday.
But this one guy, like, really liked it and wanted me to not stop.
And I was like, "well, I'm stopping then, 'cause that's not why I'm in this, you know?" That's one idea.
Or we could do something right here to get to know each other better.
There's a role-playing exercise I normally do with married couples that might be fun.
That sounds miserable.
No, I think you'll like it.
We take on new personas and act like we're meeting for the first time.
I'll start.
Hello, stranger.
Name's Stanley wintergreen.
I'm a mailbox salesman from Ohio.
And I have come to the big apple in search of a roommate.
Nice to meet you, Stan.
I'm Chet mcgovern, FBI.
And you're under arrest for human trafficking.
I think you heard me wrong, neighbor.
I travel the country peddling my boxes.
Save the sweet talk for the jail shower, wintergreen.
You're going to gladiator school.
You've soiled the flag of these United States! Oh, I guess those colors do run.
- Ahh! - Hey! Bar fight.
Morning bar fight.
Where am I? I carried you to city hall.
I didn't believe you could put me first.
Well, you proved me wrong, Mr.
wintergreen.
You are an insufferable, milquetoast workaholic.
But the past few hours have been among the funnest of my life.
And so before these random people waiting in line and our disturbing, reclusive landlord Leon, I want to ask you to be my roommate for one more year.
- Aww.
- Aww.
You know, Randall, getting to know you better today, I now realize I don't want to live with you anymore.
Huh? We're just bad roommates.
Roommates? I always thought we were friends.
Fail.
Yo, Leon, could you show a little respect here? A man just lost a roommate.
I mean, my God.
Also, do you need a roommate? Lift with the legs.
Yah! Rufus, come here, boy.
You almost got hit by that radiator.
Oeuf magazine.
I've waited for this day.
My dog is on fire! Somebody help! This mattress is full of memories and semen.
I never want to see it again.
My dog's burning to death under a mattress! Take one morning off, the whole place falls apart.
Uh Oh, snakes, no! Callie! Ah, I don't want to die! Come here.
Hmm! After everything we shared, the jokes, the good times, this stolen hotel dresser.
You've hurt me for the last time, Mark Lilly.
Knock, knock.
Yah! Oh.
I believe this is yours.
This is Ginny and April.
Hold on.
I want to do this in one breath.
They're a lesbian couple who adopted twins and are interested in the place.
I did it.
Where are you going? Your lease doesn't run out for another four hours.
This place has too many ghosts.
No surprise there, what with all the unsolved murders.
I probably should have disclosed that.
What the hell is going on? Grimes mom released the ten plagues of Egypt on our asses! Drama queen of the damned! You've always been pathetic, Francis.
That's why I taught you to stutter, so you'd be too ashamed to demonstrate your s-s-s-stupidity in public.
Th-th-th-that's the cruelest thing you ever said to me, mummy.
That would be Grimes' mother? In beetle form.
She's a shape-shifting mummy.
And kind of a bitch.
I have to say, I'm proud of your loyalty to help Grimes and defend the D.
O.
I.
Grimes is paying us off.
I'm getting a Pontiac aztec.
Your counseling mumbo jumbo is bullcrap.
But if there ever were a time for it, this would be it.
Well, my senior thesis was in family conflict resolution, and that should work with beetles.
Great.
We'll create a diversion.
To the roof! Okay then.
Grimes? You all right? Look away, Lilly.
I'm regressing to my childhood.
It'll pass.
It always does.
Come on.
Don't let her get to you.
All right, let's change the subject.
What could we talk about? Hey, think I could crash at your place for a couple weeks? Randall and I kind of broke up.
The answer is no.
I'm a lone wolf, Mark.
It's a life of secret crying and midnight binge drinking as you wait for the foul stink of death to take you.
And now without a roommate, you're just like me.
I wouldn't say that.
Embrace it.
That zombie was your only real friend, and you're boring enough already.
Without him, you'd fade into that taupe wall behind you.
I never thought about him like that.
He did rearrange his schedule to come take pictures.
He lives vicariously through my dreams.
And whenever we are in a fight, he always has my back.
Jesus, and you're longwinded.
Randall doesn't mind that either.
Oh, man.
I wish I could go get him back before our lease runs out.
This mummy situation is kind of urgent.
Go to him, Lilly.
Don't be like me.
Besides, mummy's my problem, and I need to stand up to her.
Hey, I'm proud of you, Francis.
You said you always wanted a pet.
Just remember, you're gonna have to feed them yourself.
Save yourself, Lilly.
Time to build the pyramids straight up your ass.
Oh, really? A claustrophobic crab-person joined your class? How uninteresting.
Uh-oh.
Looks like Callie showed up and wants to have sex.
I'll go give you two some privacy.
Yeah, blast that three-hole.
It's not weird.
Ugh.
It's close, but not quite the same.
Hmm? Hmm.
A candle path? Probably walking right into Leon's murder nest.
But I don't even care anymore.
Ahh, lightning bolt, lightning bolt! Lightning bolt! We can't hold her much longer, Grimes.
Sorry.
My hieroglyphic's a little rusty.
Ooh, I'll try to calm her with my dancing.
You were a mistake, Francis.
A deliciously naughty mistake with the gardener.
I summon Anubis, the ancient God of death to deal with my mummy issues.
I will destroy all in my path.
Oh, look at the time.
I'm late for my gyno.
I'll come with.
Wait, I have more amulets and poison whiskey! Ahh, my head bush! There's no place like home.
There's no place like home.
Crash! Crap.
Surprise! Hmm? What's all this? Ginny and April? Matt lauer? Mark? Mark, what are you doing here? I'm trying to right the biggest mistake of my life.
I'm listening.
All this time, I thought you were hard to live with and a colossal pain in my ass.
But for the first time, I see that's exactly what my ass needs.
You are the most loyal, fun, interesting friend I could ever hope for.
Are you saying what I think you're saying? Yes.
Randall Skeffington, will you make me the happiest tenant in New York by agreeing to extend our lease? Well, I really wanted to be the man in this situation, but yes! I now pronounce you roommates for one more year.
Until death do you part.
Hey, man, you really picked a bad day to skip work.
Mummy! I'll always be your little f-f-f-f-f-f-f-Francis! Relationships can sustain damage over time and need to be rebuilt I am not drunk enough for this.
Otherwise, they can become eternally dysfunctional.
Mummy, I love you so much.
But I never want to see you again.
But if you put in the work and you get lucky, you should be able to keep them at a barely acceptable level.
"Oh, God, it's raining down the molten egg on top of us! Our bodies will be preserved for future generations.
" Hmm Beep! You were saying? "Oh, God, why didn't our scientists tell us this would happen?" Egg-cano!