Ugly Americans (2010) s02e11 Episode Script

Journey to the Center of Twayne

Some people just look like trouble.
[Cackling] Burn, mother[bleep], burn! But looks can be deceiving.
Pretty sure that violates the term of your parole, Jerry.
[Panting] [Grunts] Whoa! Why? [Grunts] They never built a jam jar that could hold me.
[Laughs] I'll torch your ass, Grimes.
Hey, keep that up, and I won't poke any holes in your lid.
[Intense music] [Cackling] As you all know, I apprehended serial arsonist Jerry "the Fire Ant" McMillan last night.
I say we leave him to rot in the dungeon.
Not to put a damper on the vigilante meeting, but he has the right to a week of counseling before his punishment is determined.
The only therapist Jerry needs is the electric chair.
No, the problem is that nobody ever dug deep enough.
I say we give Mark a shot.
Sir, with all due respect, that [bleep] dumb as [bleep].
Are you crazy? You bet.
I'm bat[bleep] crazy in love.
Those Cupids at eHarmony matched me with the exact opposite of what I thought I was looking for.
She's a female kindergarten teacher who's taught me that one plus one equals everything.
I'm in a giving mood.
Now I'm going to get ready for my date.
La, la, la, la, la All right, what do you think's wrong with her? - A head injury.
- Mannequin.
Daddy issues.
Welcome to the dungeon, where we put all our un-integratable criminals.
No spitting, Dickhead.
You got a little, uh, spooge on your face.
Here's your new client.
I'm officially releasing him into your custody.
Hello, Jerry.
I want you to know that you're very important to me.
I see the healing's already begun.
[Laughs] I believe a lot of you are already familiar with our newest member.
So welcome back, Jerry.
Uh, teacher, permission to squish Jerry.
Nobody's squishing anyone.
Yeah, well, I'll be sure to look up your little nephew Blago next time I'm in Zagreb.
No, Blago just accepted to Ballet Barn of Croatia.
Nothing's going to happen to Blago.
Jerry is just blowing off some steam.
Must be hard to be so small in such a big world.
I love being small.
Do you have any idea how big asses look to me? But there has to be some reason you're this angry.
Yeah, 'cause it's fun.
Get mad, everyone.
[Laughs] It's better than sex.
[Glass shatters] [Grunts] He's right.
That is a rush.
[Screams] [Both grunt] [Moans] Fish fury! It feels so good to let this out! Big surprise.
Jerry started a riot.
You want to go back to the dungeon.
I hear that penis guy is looking for a cell mate.
He emailed me.
All right, all right, you win.
I'll talk to you if you take me to the Yankee game.
Baseball fan, huh? Oh, sure, take the hardened criminal to a game.
It's not like your buddy Grimes would enjoy a day at the ballpark sometime.
What's the deal with security? These tickets are a settlement from a slip and fall I ran on the Steinbrenners.
These guys are here to make sure I don't do it again.
Watch.
Ha-ha.
They have to do that ever time.
Right, uh, we'll grab hot dogs and meet you at the seats.
Don't forget the kraut.
Twayne? Hey, Mark.
Be back in two shakes, angel bunny.
I'll pray for you until you return.
Our father who art in heaven Wow, Emily sure is religious.
Yeah, nobody's perfect, but I still think she's the one.
Tomorrow night, I'm gonna ask her if she'd do me the honor of kissing me on the lips.
A woman like that would never kiss a creep like you.
Your face looks like a blood blister.
I was born with this complexion.
Jerry, knock it off.
Sorry, Twayne.
Have fun on your date.
I can't believe that goddess is with him.
Yeah, it's possible she's doing this on some kind of a dare, but I'm gonna stick with head injury.
Batter, batter, batter! [Crowd shouting] Ah! Hey, Ump, I'm gonna bang your wife.
The best part is, she won't even know I'm in there.
Boom! [Laughs] You know, Jerry, when I was in tenth grade, I was only 3'8".
So I know what it's like to be small, to feel small.
[Laughs] How come you never told me that.
That's at least six months of short jokes you've robbed me of, you short piece of [bleep].
Hey, why don't you shut your mouth, you filthy degenerate? You're only here because of my criminal fraud, so show some respect.
Oh, yeah, great seats.
The players look like me from here.
I'm sorry, dude.
By all means, let's get you a better view of the sun! Come on, Randall.
Take it easy.
Jerry's pent-up rage is probably the result of some kind of larva-hood trauma.
You know, most counselors are walking turds, but you actually seem to care, unlike daddy.
Jackpot.
I was an orphan, forced into a foster home with a normal-sized drunk.
He'd get wasted and then try and drown me in a can of old Milwaukee.
[Scoffs] Jerry the foul-mouthed douche bag arsonist is dead.
[All cheer] Let me be the first to introduce Jerry the emotionally open sweetheart.
[All groan] My behavior was inappropriate.
But now, with Mark's help, I've got a handle on my anger issues.
I call bull crap.
He just doesn't want to go back to the dungeon.
Then why would he hand over the arson tools he's hid all over the city.
I'm impressed.
For the first time, I think therapy might have actually helped someone.
In light of Jerry's rehabilitation, I recommend we release him on probation.
Love is so beautiful.
So ordered.
[Dramatic music] - Stop right there.
- Huh? I have proof that Jerry's a fraud and Mark's an idiot.
This Ant Man's not an orphan.
I took a little trip to the Hall of Records.
His old man was a Lutheran minister, not a drunk.
But we had a breakthrough.
Oh, tell me this isn't true, Jerry.
Jerry? There he is.
On Twayne's face! [Gasps] Any of you losers try to come after me, I'll burn this mother[bleep] to the ground from the inside! [Laughs] No, no! No! No! Well, my job's done here.
Hey, you guys want to get some lunch? Twayne, lunch? Once I shrink us in the moon buggy, we're gonna need a crap-load of firepower to bring Jerry down.
I need you to keep digging for more information on Jerry's background.
I'll do your dirty work, after a quick wank.
Look, I'd consider it a personal favor if you went with him.
Sometimes those quick wanks, they can turn into wank-a-thons.
Ugh.
[Groans] The shrinking spell lasts eight hours.
So we'll have to get out before we grow back to normal size or it's--gah-- for Twayne.
Wait, tonight's my big date.
And what did that thing with your hand mean? [Shimmering tone] Try to lea a small footprint.
[Sniffs] AhAh Choo! Snot storm! Hang on! Twayne's gullet.
Jerry had to go down there.
Good thing I brought the winch to lower us down.
Let's hammer in that tethering spike.
[Grunts] [Twayne screams] That's right, hammer it in nice and hard.
[Grunts] [Twayne screams] Jesus, it is hot in here.
Every demon's insides are unique.
Twayne seems to have his own sun.
By my calculations, one hour of time outside Twayne equals one day inside Twayne.
So we have eight Twayne days before he have to get out.
Shut your information hole.
Let's hike up the gall bladder to get the lay of the land.
- Ah! - A net! What's a net doing down here? [Groans] Greetings, friends.
We mean you no harm.
[Gibberish] Classic Twayne.
Yeah, I was Jerry's cellmate for a year.
But I'm not telling you nothing.
He's a straight-up psycho.
We're prepared to shove drugs up your ass and frame you for possession.
All right, all right.
Jerry, he started writing to someone on the outside, but never got a chance to mail this one.
It's too small to open.
We'll have to take it to the lab.
I guess bad things also come in small packages.
[Electric guitar riff] [Gibberish] I'm just going to cast a translation spell.
[Shimmering tone] Welcome.
I apologize for your rough treatment.
My people have never seen such ugly beings before.
Please, please, please join me and my only daughter, Princess Chlamydia, for our additional welcome ritual.
We would be honored, Princess Chlamydia.
I'm not sure her name's actually Chlamydia.
The translation spell has problems with proper nouns.
Mmm, tastes like onions.
I love onions.
Ooh-ka, ooh-ka, ooh-ka, ooh-ka [Groans] Twayne, honey, what's wrong? Ooh, my stomach's just a little grumbly.
[Groans] I'll be fine if I eat something.
Huh? Look out! It's a flood of chewed-up shrimp cocktail! I'll save you, princess! Ah! [Laughs] This village was strategically built to avoid the food slides.
Come, let us see what the gods have sent.
Chief, we're here to capture a very dangerous man.
We don't know a lot about this place, and we could use your help.
Yes, yes, we will help you, Lesbian Hair.
But first, you must learn the ways of our tribe.
All must respect this sacred land.
[Rumbling] Yes, very sacred.
Whoa, oh! Gah! [Moans] Both: Mmm.
Of what do you think, Lesbian Hair? I always wanted to help those in need, but now I think maybe Grimes is right.
Maybe counseling is all just bull poo.
Da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da.
There is much pain in you, Lesbian Hair.
You must journey to the special place to exercise these demons.
This looks like a sweat gland.
Ah! Let your mind go where it will.
Hey, I don't think there's much oxygen in here.
Help! Mmm.
[Gasps] Even though this is a dehydration-induced hallucination, it still makes you kind of gay.
Ah! Hey, Mark, while you're inside my body, do you think you can figure out why I fart so much? I upped my fiber intake, but it isn't working.
[Screams] Oh, you can't give up on me, Mark.
I don't want to.
But I need to know how to get through to you, Jerry.
I'd love to tell you, but I'm a figment of your own psyche.
That's why my junk is Callie's face.
Okay, this is totally unacceptable.
Hallucination over.
Help me, Mark Lilly.
You're my only hope.
[Grunts] [Coughs] I can still save Jerry.
It's my destiny.
Who gives a crap? I'm getting married.
I'd like you to be my best man and my spirit animal.
It's a wallaby.
You know we're gonna have to leave here in three days/hours? Can't you just let me experience happiness for one goddamn minute? It appears to be a love letter to an exotic dancer named Portia.
Can you make out an address under the tiny semen stains? Yes, the Boob Factory? Oh, sure, the Boob Factory.
That's on 28th Street, between 10th and 11th.
Looks like we're gonna have to take a Porsche for a ride.
Would you please stop doing that? Today we gather to join this man and this talking bit of stomach bacteria together in holy matrimony.
Does Lesbian Hair have the matrimonial scrotum bands? You must attach them.
I did not sign up for this.
Okay, submit, Lesbian Hair.
[Grunts] [Moans] [Groans] I now pronounce you husband and germ.
You may kiss the germ.
[All cheering] I told you not to follow me! Ugh! [All screaming] Sweetie, did you know there's smoke coming out of your eyes, ears, nose, mouth, and pants? Oh, this always happens when I drink too much coffee.
I will not live to see another sunset, but I die happy, having seen my daughter marry a great warrior.
All I ask is that the last image I see is not Lesbian Hair.
Too late.
No! You'll pay for this, Jerry.
You'll pay with your life.
I know this is a bad time, but is there any way to apply for a new name? Be careful, my love.
You're the only family I have left now.
You are the hottest piece of bacteria east of the pre-cancerous spot on Twayne's liver.
When are you gonna tell her that we're leaving? - I'm staying.
- Are you nuts? When we grow, you'll kill Twayne and destroy her village.
Stop confusing me with your logic.
Ah! Lookout! [Ticking] [All scream] You dicked with the wrong ant man.
[Growls] Hyah, horse creature! Nyah, nyah, nyah, nyah, nyah.
I'm mocking you from far away! [Cackles] Oh, that's painful.
Ah! Now itchy.
Ah! Now back to painful.
I can't wait to see what you have in store for me next, you big red romantic.
[Groans] Have you ever seen this guy? Yeah, tough guy.
Totally obsessed with Portia.
'Bout this big? Oh, that's him all right.
You got a picture of this Portia? Here she is last Forth of July at our red, white, and boob celebration.
Looks like Jerry is both a boob man and a boob himself.
Oh, my God, you're right.
That is annoying.
I just took a dump in Twayne's motor cortex.
I'd give it a few minutes before going back there.
We only have 45 minutes left before we grow back to full size, so we'll have to get by on ten minutes' sleep, not a full night's 20.
[Grunts] Mm, cozy.
Cozy.
[Moans] Yo! Two divided by seven.
[Cell phone rings] Hello, Callie? Wow, can't believe how great the reception is in Twayne's head.
Four bars.
Congratulations, dork.
Randall and I have important news.
It turns out that Jerry's obsessed with a stripper names Portia, who's actually Sweet marshmallow.
It all makes sense now.
Callie, I'll call you later.
Thanks for everything.
Must be nice to see Portia again.
How do you know her stripper name? Have your hands been on her tits? I'll kill you! How I know who she is isn't important.
What is important is why you risked everything to see her again.
Huh? I fell for her before I met her.
She wrote me in prison.
Filthy, perverted prose.
As sown as I got out, I went straight to the Boob Factory.
She almost killed me with those lap dances.
She loved baseball, so we went to a Yankee game for our first date.
Well, actually, I'm the baseball fan.
She just wanted to bang Derek Jeter.
I went straight for her.
I only asked that she stop stripping.
But then one night, she came home in that whore uniform.
She said she'd been out with the girls, but I dusted her ass for fingerprints.
I stopped counting after discovering the 20th different set.
I knew then she'd never give up the pole.
That was the end of good Jerry.
When I found out that she changed for that loser Twayne, it drove me crazy.
I mean, why not for me? Did you ever think maybe she hasn't changed? Huh? She just ripped him off.
She's pullin' a con.
She takes advantage of vulnerable men, Jerry.
She did the same to you.
You're so angry at the world because of your size.
But there are plenty of people out there willing to embrace a height-challenged insect American.
You're right.
I deserve to be happy.
And I deserve better than her.
You did it, Mr.
Lilly.
Thank you.
I'll, of course, turn myself in now.
Ah-ow! Grimes! What have you done? Man, anyone who says revenge is an empty experience, doesn't know what they're talking about.
Blah! I feel great.
Thanks for caring, Mark.
You're a good counselor.
And I'm dead.
Guess I was wrong.
Your job isn't complete bull[bleep].
Thanks, Grimes.
Now, if you would, please help me bury him in Twayne's sinus cavity.
We're sorry for the terrible loss you've experienced, but the ant man was first brilliantly reformed and then brutally killed, so your village is stably safe now.
Please accept the crown of heroes, Lesbian Hair.
So elegant.
Must be woven from Twayne's nerve fibers.
It's actually dried sperm cells.
A tribal delicacy.
Take a bite so you don't offend her.
Mm, do you have any pepper? - Crap, we're already starting to grow.
- We've gotta go.
- Now! - Come with, babe.
I'm sorry, but my people need a leader.
We must reveal to our way of life.
But we never got to do it.
We'll never know how weird our offspring will look.
We'd better head for the nearest exist.
That would be the asshole.
Okay, it's now or never.
Try not to think about all the people inside you, Twayne-o.
Emily I'd like to take our relationship to the next level.
- In the next 15 seconds.
- Shh.
Stop talking.
And start kissing.
Oh, God, oh, here it comes.
Please don't judge me for what's about to happen.
Holy shit.
I wanna go back.
I love you, baby.
Life has a way of putting us and our relationship to the test.
Uuh, baby, ***.
Mm, you're making my flinker bonks.
Lemme screw up.
We need time to regroup.
I'll wait for you, baby.
But on the rare occasions, when we pass with flying colors, you have to take the time to enjoy the moment.
Uuh, I liked that more than I thought I would.