Ugly Americans (2010) s02e15 Episode Script

The Stalking Dead

I dive into the infinite light of self-creation.
Beyond death, my voice embraces the universe's song.
A great man once said, "we have nothing to fear but fear itself.
" Another said, "to conquer fear is the beginning of wisdom.
" Problem is Ow! I don't think they had as much to be afraid of as we do.
Ugh! Cut! Cut! I am so sorry, Lady Hoo Ha.
We'll get those sewn back on right away.
No, idiot.
That's my big finale.
Where's your sense of showmanship? Ugh, I wish I worked for zombie Beyonce.
Hello? Hello? Oh, uh, I'm Mark Lilly.
I saw the Craigslist ad about the apartment.
Uh-huh.
Tell me a little bit about yourself.
I'd like to hear a like, a dislike, and your biggest turnoff.
Okay.
Well, I like helping others, I dislike intolerance, and for my turnoff, I'm gonna have to go with bare feet.
- They're disgusting.
- Well, those are answers.
You can write your number on the sign-in sheet, and I'll be in touch.
Oh.
Right.
Well, I should probably get going anyway.
I have my new hire orientation down at the D.
O.
I.
Whoa! Say what? You work at the D.
O.
I.
? What took you so long to tell me? We just met 30 seconds ago.
I am humbled to be in your presence, sir.
You provide an invaluable service to this community and to society as a whole.
Why, thank you.
I'd like to think I can make a difference.
Pat yourself on the back, Matt Lilly.
Uh, Mark.
You get to be my roommate.
Let's do it.
You seem like a guy who really has his priorities in check.
Yeah, I am that guy.
I have a smokin' hot soon-to-be girlfriend Nice.
- I've given up carbs - Cool.
I haven't had a flare-up in months - Oh.
- Yeah The future's looking pretty bright for Randall Skeffington.
Oh, ice cream, if only your sweet cooling sensation could be applied to my itchy, lonely junk.
Ugh, how many cartons did you make it through last night? Twelve.
Never sleeping really plays hell with my diet.
You know, Randall, sometimes I miss the positive go-getter I thought I moved in with.
Shh.
The TV's talking.
Tonight on abscess hollywood, everyone is going "hey" to the "z" As zombie mania spreads like my gonorrhea.
Indeed, the news of pop sensation Lady Hoo Ha going zombie has sent scores of her mindless fans to do the same.
We're all zombies anyway, so I'm just making the outside match the inside, you know? That is so profound, Hoo Ha.
I mean, don't you wish that you didn't look like a talking anus? What are you talking about? In the last week alone, New York's department of integration has registered over 25,000 new zombies.
I wouldn't want to work at that place right now.
- Yeah.
- Those guys are.
As you may or may not have noticed, Grimes, the D.
O.
I.
has been flooded with zombies.
Mm-hmm.
- It's totally clogging the system.
- And clogging my nose.
These zombies are giving me the sneezies.
Someone needs to hunt down this Lady Hoo Ha idiot and convince her to renounce going zombie.
And by "convince," I mean "threaten.
" I'll do it, not just because it's my job, but also because I find her music to be derivative at best.
Fine.
Whatever.
I mean, sure, it's got a beat, and you can dance to it, But that doesn't make it art.
We get it.
Look, I'll listen to her songs a few times a day, but will I still appreciate her in ten years? I'm not so sure.
Grimes, get out of here! Look, just 'cause I own all of her albums and subscribe to her fan letter doesn't mean she's freakin' Beethoven.
Oh! Whoa! Ow! Ow! I'm okay.
I'm okay.
Hey, mister, you forgot this.
- You keep it, kid.
- But I don't want it.
Class, I'd like everyone to welcome our new student, Carl.
Can we have some subdued applause? Carl recently went zombie as part of the ongoing "z" craze.
Any zombie who try to zombie me I shoot with poor man's gun.
We don't want to catch zombie, Mark.
Relax, everyone.
You can't catch zombie just by being near a zombie.
How do you become a zombie, then? From a toilet seat? You have to be bitten by one, Erik.
See, we need to clear up these kinds of misconceptions by having a frank conversation about zombies.
So I'm canceling today's field trip to the Yankee game.
Not so long ago, zombies were confined to an impoverished area of New York known as Zombietown.
But after the zombie wars of the late '60s, zombies won civil rights, and Zombietown became gentrified into one of the more charming areas of the city.
I looked at a loft in Zombietown.
Too many zipsters.
Zombies have come a long way in the past few decades, but it's still a very difficult life filled with skin grafts, rotting limbs, watching all your loved ones die as you linger on for eternity as a walking corpse.
- It's hard to rent a car.
- Bummer.
Carl, you've been rather quiet.
Would you like to share your thoughts with the class? I just never had many friends, so when all these cool people started goin' zombie, I thought doing it would make me cool too.
But now I'm lonelier than ever! Oh, man! What a freak.
A lesson in the dangers of peer pressure.
I'll tell you what, Carl.
I'll spend the day helping you get used to your new lifestyle.
All right? How does that sound? What about the rest of us? Oh, I guess you can go to that Yankee game after all.
Yeah, Callie.
I'm with her now.
Don't sweat it.
She's totally on board.
You're so right, Francis.
I do need to consider the effects my actions have on my fans.
I'll tell everyone to stop going zombie at once.
Glad we're on the same page, Hoo Ha.
- Can I call you Hoo Ha? - Of course.
While I'm here, I do have some thoughts on your choreography.
Mind if I show you some moves? We start with a pop, shimmy, then lock, jazz hands, then pop, lock, back to the shimmy.
Francis, those are amazing moves.
You simply must be my dance captain.
- Hamburger.
- Hamburger? Hamburger.
Hamburger.
Hamburger.
Hamburger.
Hamburger.
Hamburger.
I don't have a hamburger.
Leave me alone.
Carl, I've asked my roommate Randall to come by and help us acclimate you to life as a zombie american.
Randall has been "z" for well over a year now.
I think you could learn a lot from him.
He sounds like a great guy.
I can't wait to meet him For the first time in my life.
What an odd thing to say.
Okay, where's the fire? I bet Leonard I could jerk off and I was just about to win-- twice.
Uh, Randall, I'd like to introduce you to Carl.
Carl is a new zombie who could use a mentor.
Hi, there.
I'm Carl.
- Mark has told me so much about you.
- I have? You look kind of familiar.
Oh, braineaters anonymous, right? You're that dude that's always, uh, cryin' like a little bitch? That really defeats the purpose of "anonymous," Randall, but Carl just went "z" this week.
There's no way you could have met him.
Dude, I need this hand to do horrible things remember? Carl, please let go of his hand.
So, uh, Randall, you want to grab a bite to eat? It's on me.
Or it can be me.
J/K.
Just trying out some new zombie jokes.
Yeah, well, don't ever do that again.
Sorry, Carl.
No time to dillydally.
We need to find you a new job that's zombie-appropriate.
Yeah, I can hook him up with the perfect job.
I know a guy.
But first, if I could kindly borrow somebody's hand lotion, I would prefer not to do a Kansas City dry rub.
Come on, the clock's ticking, people.
I don't know about this, Randall.
Zombie pylon? It seems dangerous.
Do you want my help or not? This job is great.
You get paid to stand around all day, and everyone looks great in a vest.
Ooh! My arm! First of all, vest still totally works, and I can get you a new arm, dude.
Just give me 50 bucks and don't ask any questions.
I only have three 20s.
You know what? Just take it all.
Carl, put your wallet away.
Look, I am so sorry about your arm.
Asking Randall to help was clearly a mistake.
Oh, am I not being helpful enough for you? I take time out of my very busy day-- my vigorous, vigorous day-- to give you advice, and now it's not good enough.
You know, Mark he does have a point.
He just cost you an arm! Oh, so it's my fault, Mark? Or is it your fault for listening to my bad advice? Who is to say? I got to go.
Come on, Carl.
Let's get you to your new home.
Maybe to a hospital first.
No groaning, no foot-dragging, and the front doors lock at 8:00.
Rent is $2,000 a month.
Never call me.
Well, this is it.
You're a fully integrated zombie american now.
Congratulations.
To be honest, this is still very new and scary.
I don't feel integrated.
We spent five hours together.
That's how long integration takes, okay? If you have any issues, my group sessions are every morning.
Bring your own donuts.
Okay.
I guess I'll just think about the arm I lost today until I cry myself to sleep.
Listen, swing by my place tomorrow after work.
- Let me see how you're doing.
- Thanks so much, Mark.
You don't know how much this means to me.
Okay, this amount of contact definitely violates D.
O.
I.
policy.
In accordance with human resources guidelines, I am now going to back away awkwardly.
Okay, then.
See you tomorrow.
See you then Mark Lilly.
And no maniacal laughter, either.
When the truth is found to be lies Damn it! Carl, I'm telling you, man, there is no point in playing this if you can't pull your weight on the drums.
I'm sorry, Mark, it's just a little difficult with this the one arm and all.
I don't hear the guy from Def Leppard complaining.
I'm sorry, Randall.
I won't mess up again.
See that you don't.
Maybe I should just pop in a movie.
Do you have must love dogs? Oh, jeez, do I have the best John Cusack romantic comedy ever made? I guess it kind of depends on if you want to see it on bluray, dvd, or laserdisc, bro.
You tell me.
You tell me if I have must love dogs.
You like that crap too? Pfft, for my money, nothing beats Cusack, except maybe Tyler Perry.
Wait.
You are also a Perryhead? Oh, jesus.
Here we go.
Of course! He's the only person in showbiz who is Able to seamlessly blend comedy and melodrama while accurately and respectfully portraying the black experience in contemporary america! - Yes! - Hmm Oh, man.
Thanks for hangin' out, Mark.
- I had a lot of fun today.
- Me too, Carl.
We have way more in common than I expected.
Speaking of which, thanks for recommending serendipity.
Don't know how that one slipped by me.
Hey, thanks for letting Carl hang out here today.
He's having a tough go adjusting to zombiehood.
Don't worry about it.
- Is there something on your mind? - I don't like this "Carl.
" There's something off about him.
Oh, come on.
He's harmless.
A little awkward, maybe, but impeccable taste in movies-- I'm just saying, what do you really know about this guy? You can't trust zombies,Mark.
Trust me on that one.
Trust me.
Yello.
Mark, you'll never believe who I'm friends with now-- Lady Hoo Ha.
We're in her tour bus right outside your apartment.
You should join the fun.
Where are you? Parked on the corner.
Hurry on down.
We're gonna have a hookah party.
Hamburger.
Okay.
I taste almonds.
Where are you going? To hang out with Carl and his stupid name? I'm gonna go check on Grimes.
I'm pretty sure he's having a stroke.
But since you asked, yes, Carl and I are meeting later for Froyo.
Carl's creepy, Mark.
And that's coming from a guy who jerked off 60 times to win a bet.
Caught me by surprise but I found a friend in you I guess we're on our way to do what best friends do Um, can I just get a neck massage? This feels so right I'm so alive even though you're dead are you my new best friend? are you my new best friend? are you my new best friend? Jeez, these arms cost both an arm and a leg.
Get out.
are you my new best friend? are you my new best friend? Whew, what a movie.
For a minute, things were looking a little rocky for the cus, then bam! Happy ending.
I didn't see that one coming.
Carl, I believe this may be the start of a beautiful friendship.
So you're my friend? Well, technically, you're still my case file, but I guess there aren't any rules against us being friends.
Because I'm going out in my fishing boat this weekend, and I'd really love it if you came with.
Just two guys hangin' out alone over the deep, deep water, not another soul around for miles You know fishing.
Well, I do technically consider fishing murder.
But what the hell? I'm in.
Listen, Hoo Ha, if you want a duet, you have to pay attention to the harmonies.
Now, if I sing up here, where do you need to be? Exactly! Now let's try this again on my count.
Two, three, four Your romancin's got me dancin' like a prancin' Ted Danson What the happened to Grimes? Oof! This is really heavy! What do you have in here? Just, uh, fishing supplies.
Wow, you must take this really seriously.
Oh, whoopsie daisy.
- This is fishing equipment? - Of course.
This is for tying the ship to the dock.
This is for, uh, gutting our catch.
This is a flare gun in case we get stranded, and these are for the engine.
Oh.
What about the candlestick? That's for ambience? What a classy touch.
That's good thinking, Carl.
Now, where are your life vests? Any worthy sea vessel must have personal floatation devices.
I'm just a stickler for the rules.
That, and I can't swim.
- Here you go.
- Cool.
Well, we better hit the hay, buddy.
We have a big day ahead of us.
Time to catch some "z"s.
No pun intended.
Ah, no pun offended.
What do you mean, you're quitting? That's right, titsy.
I'm going on the road with Lady Hoo Ha.
I'm her new songwriter, choreographer, manager, set designer, stylist, head roadie, dance shoe cobbler, drug pusher, second-chair violinist, copyright lawyer, flower gardener, brazilian waxer, and sexual plaything! Ooh, can you get us backstage passes? That all goes through my intern's assistant.
What the hell would a megastar like Lady Hoo Ha see in you anyway? Ask her yourself.
Jesus! Give 'em the scoop, Lady.
Oh, no, you didn't! Grimes, do you think this bird is Lady Hoo Ha? What bird? No! I want to be a rock star! Why are you doing this? I really wanted those backstage passes.
Man, I have not gotten a single nibble.
You should really consider putting a worm on the hook.
Carl, I've told you several times, that is homicide.
So is this! No! My safety attire! Agh! Hey! What did I say to you about maniacal laughter? Hey, sudoku is boring as shit.
What is that? Punishment in China for googling the word "freedom"? When is Mark getting home? How about never? Carl, what are you doing here? I am the rightful heir to your current now past roommate's bedroom.
Okay, right, but here's the thing.
What the fuck are you talking about? I am talking about saying good-bye to Mark Lilly and hello to your new roommate, me! Awesome guy, looking to share upscale apartment, no kids, pets or actresses? My old Craigslist ad for the apartment! I knew you look familiar.
And for turn-off, I'd have to say people who won't be my friend.
Believe it or not, that's the least creepy answer so far.
Write your number on the signing sheet and I'll be in touch.
I waited weeks for that call.
Even put a hold on my promising actiong career.
The second I met you I knew you were the best friend I never had.
You mean the only friend? You were col, laid back, confident.
Everything I wasn't.
But when I found out you rented th eroom to someone else, I was devastated.
I vowed to find out what he had that I didn't.
I spent 2 years spying on Mark Lilly, discovering his terrible taste in entertainment, his affinity for bowling, even his inexplicable love for eggs.
What is that? When the zombie craze hit, I finally got an excuse to get into Mark's class.
I used the information I had gathered to gain his trust.
So I could lore him to his death.
Wait, you killed him? Randall, don't you deserve a roomate, who would kill for you? Well, now that you put it that way, how did you credit? Freeze, dirtbag! You're under arrest for zombie impersonation.
- What about trying to murder me? - That's a less charge.
Mark! But how? I must admit, you did a good job for getting my trust, Carl.
But you made one crucial mistake.
Oh, great! Here comes another flasback.
We have a big day ahead of us.
Time to catch some "z"s.
Anyone, who has lived with a zombie knows, zombies don't sleep.
Never sleeping really place how old my diet.
That was the smoking gun.
Although in retrospect I should've been more suspicious of how much you liked Randall.
Hey! Why is that suspicious? Not fast I made water wings under my fishing vest, after you pushed me over the board, I gently floated my way to safety.
- But how did you get back to ? - No more flashbacks! You have a date in State Pen.
Wait, wait! Randall, just tell me why.
Why did you choose him over me? Yeah, funny story about that.
Mark told me he worked in the D.
O.
I.
I naturally thought he maent "Dungeon of Intercourse".
That's sex club in Hell's Kitchen.
- Wait, what? - Yeah, that would've been sweet, man.
Anyway, turned out it's some stupid government thing.
My bad.
I lost it all for you, you bastard! They say the secret to a happy life is, knowing when to embrace change Sorry Lady Hoo Ha, but zombies are out, and werewolves are totally in.
Check out Rihanna's foxy new look.
- She can bite me anytime she wants.
- You are repellent.
when to hold on to the past.
Oh, Randall.
And, when to just appreciate, what you've got.
I can't believe you thought I worked in some gross sex club.
What do you want, man? I thought you'll be able to get me in for free.
Well, I'm sorry you don't get any selfish perks from my job.
I wouldn't say that.
I've been *** of your health care since day one.