Ugly Americans (2010) s02e16 Episode Script

The Dork Knight

Most of us spend our lives trying to avoid danger.
[Slurping] Yeah, he's clean.
Where's Sabrina? Good to see you, Harlan.
Hey, I'm here too, you know.
- Shut up, Melvin.
- Uh, yes, ma'am.
Enough small talk.
Let's get our drug deal on.
But for others, danger is a way of life.
Now, it's just a simple matter of me handing you this very incriminating briefcase full of money.
[Fluttering] [Gasp] - [Screeching] - Ahh! My delicate balance! Whoa! Thump! Ceiling cop! Scatter! - Let's go! - I'm out of here! I wish I had my own body.
You just ruined a three-year operation and a half a bucket of ceiling-colored skin paint.
You're under arrest for police interference! Every time I have to jump, that's another count of resisting arrest.
[Grunts] One.
[Grunts] Two.
Ah.
Three.
[Dramatic music] [Screeching] Organized crime has made a disturbing comeback in New York to the dismay of law-abiding citizens but to the delight of local news anchors.
For reaction, here are some randomly chosen idiots.
You know, it's a little scary, but it's also, like, kind of exciting.
- It's like that movie.
- Goodfellas? - No, the other one.
- The Godfather? No, it's the one with the guy.
You know, the fat guy? Keep trying.
You'll get it.
So you're not worried about the increase in organized crime.
Nope.
Sources say that the gang of cat burglars responsible for the violence is led by shadowy underworld figure Sabrina Maroni as seen here in this unnecessarily sexy mug shot.
Randall, why are you wearing a suit? Are you actually going to leave the apartment today? I'm shooting a test tape for my new TV show idea.
Here's the pitch: I pick up people in a town car and I get them to say terrible things on hidden camera when they're drunk and vulnerable.
I call it Town Car Confessions.
Uh, that sounds a lot like the old HBO series Taxi Cab Confessions.
No, dude, this is completely different.
If anything, it's derivative of Golf Cart Confessions.
Hi there, everyone.
We have a new member joining us today.
Teacher, before you introduce new member, why is filthy Bat Boy here? Warren, this is our new member.
I've decided to call him Bruce.
Give him a warm welcome.
- No! - Kill it! Guys, relax, he's just a harmless Bat Boy.
Chomp! Ow! Ah, damn it, Bruce.
[Screaming] - [Screeching] - Ah! Uh! Yah! Thwack! Uh! Uh! Ah! Dyuh! Yah! Yah, die, you bastard.
Uh! Had enough? Yah! Uh! [Grunts become faster] Ah, I think he's dead.
Sorry, everyone.
I knew he'd attack you, but I'm only allowed to kill them if they bite someone.
What? Now, Bat Boy venom is extremely dangerous and unpredictable, so please show me where you were bit so I can cut off the appendage before it spreads.
Right here.
Thanks! How 'bout you, Dr.
Frasier Crane? - I'm okay.
- Great.
Now, as long as I have my machete out, who wants a haircut? Take a little off the top.
The hustler club, please.
You got it.
Say, aren't you that guy from The Shawshank Redemption? Indeed.
I am he, Morgan Freeman.
Well, that must've been a fun movie to work on, huh? It was a waking nightmare.
The director, Frank Darabont, treated the set like his own personal prison.
By the fourth day, Tim Robbins had shivved the gaffer for disrespecting his homies.
We buried him in a shallow, unmarked grave and vowed never to speak of it again.
Good to know, Morgan.
So here's the thing.
I've been taping this entire conversation for a TV series.
I am aware.
I was on season four of Golf Cart Confessions.
[Groans] I haven't felt this bad since Randall made me watch Entourage.
Hey, buddy, watch where you're going, huh? What's that? [Echoing] I said, watch where you're going, pal.
How can I hear that? [Electricity crackles] [Ticking] [Squeaking] [Horns honking] Crash! Give me your purse.
Now! Anything.
Just don't hurt me.
Crime alley I'm going to have to have a chat with urban planning about that name.
Okay, Lilly, you've made a citizen's arrest thousands of times-- in your imagination.
Dr.
Bland, don't let me down.
Give me that! A discover card? What the hell is wrong with you? It has a cash back bonus and no annual fee.
But where is it accepted? Nowhere! But it still pays to discover Justice? Huh? [Spraying hiss] Ahh! I'm mildly irritated! I'll kill you.
Uh, ah-- [screeching supersonic scream] Ah! Ah! I'm going to turn my life around.
Whew, that cleared my sinuses out.
Thanks for saving me, but you should know your eyebrows just fell off.
Indeed they did.
[Echoing laughter] [Chittering and screaming] - Mua-ha-ha-ha.
- [Screeching] [Gasps] My God! I'm turning into a Bat Boy.
OrSteve Buscemi.
Well, if I have to cover my face anyway, I might as well be fighting crime or become a Mexican wrestler.
Ah, you know what? Let's fight crime.
[Swelling orchestral music] [Splurts] Hm hm hm [In gravelly voice] It's ready.
Orit will be, once I give it a good steam clean, maybe a once-over with the lint roller.
Welcome to this hostage standoff.
May I take your demands? We'll have a bus to the airport, a fully-fueled jet, and a dozen pepperoni pizzas.
Pst, Harley, Mikey's lactose-intolerant, remember? And make sure one of those pizzas is sauce only.
Your order will be ready in 30 minutes or less.
Dicks.
Uh, hey boss? Your megaphone's still on.
Uh, did he just call us dicks? [Shattering glass] Both: Ah! [Supersonic scream] Ahh! My hearing ears! Freeze! You're all under arrest.
Who the hell is that? [In gravelly voice] I'm Batperson.
A gender-neutral superhero? Wherever there is crime, you will find-- [in normal voice] Ah, damn it, that's my bus.
Wait, wait, wait.
Wait, no.
Thanks for coming, Batperson.
So here's the dealio.
I think vigilantes are scum, no exceptions, but I'm willing to make an exception for you because my department is understaffed, overworked, and not very good at what we do.
[In gravelly voice] I'm happy to assist.
Wherever there is evil that threatens the-- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Less talking, more crime fighting.
I'm going to let you continue your little caped crusade with one condition: You take on a partner.
Sorry, gramps, but I work alone.
Koala Boy! [In normal voice] You can't be serious.
Show him.
[Squeaks] Yah! Impressed? By the karate? Yes.
By the costume? No.
The silhouette is a mess and the colors totally clash with his complexion.
You'll live with it.
Now, get cracking.
Sabrina still has men on the streets and I want to catch the matinee showing of Jersey Boys.
Very well.
Batperson and Koala Boy Away! Um, should we just climb down the fire escape, or you want to just look the other way, or-- - [groans] Follow me.
You can take the freight elevator.
Remember what we discussed.
When the time comes, chomp, chomp, chomp, right? D'oh, stupid tourists.
Now what am I supposed to do with myself? Jeez, who knew there were so many hours in the day to kill? There have to be at least 24 of these things.
I always wanted to explore my creative side, but I never had the time.
Hey, what the hell.
Can someone explain to me how an idiot dressed as a bat can take down six of you? Does he know kung fu? Karate? Greco-Roman wrestling, perhaps? Muay Thai boxing? The Brazilian dancing martial art known as Capoeira? What? Well, he has this really loud scream.
Sounds, uh, kind of like a rape whistle.
Not that I ever heard one.
I need someone to take this loser out before he puts more of a dent in my operation.
That bank job cost me-- Oswald, how much did that cost me? Cha-ching! Uh, $60 million, Sabrina.
God damn, you penguins make the best accountants.
Mm, that could be offensive.
But then again, it's also a compliment to my skills.
I'd have to say, she is a client, uh, thanks.
Kill this Batperson, or I'm canceling wacky shirt day.
[All gasp] Oh, yes, I will! - Oh, yes, I will! - Please don't.
Flash dancers, okay? And step on it.
Say, aren't you Academy Award-winning actor Christian Bale? Yeah.
That's me.
Hey, man, I heard you chewing out that lighting guy, and I'm just going to say it, that ass[bleep] had it coming.
You know? If anything, you went easy on him.
Truth is, it's not over.
I have a long-term plan to make that man's life a living hell.
Uh-huh.
I'm with you.
It all starts with me getting a sex-change operation.
I know it sounds extreme, but I've done far worse for roles.
And that's when he realizes that his wife of 20 years was really me, in character.
Then, I'll divorce his ass, gain legal custody of our four children, and take him for everything he's got.
Wow, you are really committed to your parts.
And as for the guy who taped me without my permission, he's going to get it ten times worse.
Oh, okay then.
You know what, man? This ride's on the house.
You, uh, you go enjoy some boobs in your face.
- Thanks, mate.
- He's a good-looking fella.
Batperson Koala Boy Batperson Koala Boy supersonic screech karate punching exceptional hearing Batperson Koala Boy headlines Man, where the hell has Mark been this week? Batperson kicking Koala Boy [Laughs] Oh, man, this is hilarious.
[Rustling] [Gasps] Who's there? [In gravelly voice] It'sme.
Uh, Mark.
Where have you been lately? And what do you have against the door? I prefer to stay in the shadows.
Ooh, a costume.
Sexy.
Who are you supposed to be? I'm Batperson.
[Giggles] Oh, that loon who's been all over the newspapers? That's hilarious.
Shh.
Stop talking.
[Supersonic scream] Ugh, good Christ, you have to wear that stupid thing more often.
I could've done without that crazy shriek when you climaxed, but it's a small price to pay.
Okay, well, I must be going.
There is evil afoot.
[Giggles] Whatever.
Batperson, away.
[Whines] Ooh! My cowl! [Screams] What the [bleep] happened to you? You look like Steve Buscemi.
Don't look at me.
You were bitten by that Bat Boy, weren't you? Wait a minute You really are Batperson? You can't tell anyone, Callie.
I must protect my real identity from the criminal underworld and from the legal department of DC Comics.
Mark, you have to get treatment immediately this could become permanent.
There's no way I could have sex with a Bat Boy.
Well, again.
I'm sorry, Callie, but I'm the only thing that stands between order and chaos.
You? You refuse to arm wrestle because you consider it assault.
That was Mark Lilly talking.
I am Batperson.
Thanks for the sex, though! And "bats" all she wrote.
Pst.
They beat you to it.
Oh, man.
[Grunts] [Hums] Grimes.
We need to talk outside.
Can't this wait? Our recital is in three days.
Now! Thump! Great work, Natalia.
Take five.
I found out the Batperson's real identity.
It's Mark.
No [bleep], Sherlock.
It couldn't be more obvious.
His codpiece has his name stitched on it, for one thing.
You knew Mark was in danger, and you ignored him to put on a tutu? This is a modern tap leotard, male size 26.
And besides, I stuck the koala with him.
If things get out of hand, Doug just bites Mark, and presto, he's cured.
Do you mean to say the bite from a koala man cures the bite from a Bat Boy? Duh, did you go to public school or something? I thought vigilantes were supposed to be arrested on sight, grimes.
Yeah, well, I should also have more than three men to fight crime in a city of 8 million.
I think you do a fine job of protecting citizens.
- Watch your head.
- Hey! It's times like these I wish I knew what the word irony meant.
We have a message for the Batperson.
Turn yourself over to us or we kill this friend of yours.
[Mumbles] Sorry, I mean [Bleep] buddy.
Chilling footage That will no doubt get boffo ratings! Ka-ching.
What do we do? They have Callie.
I mean, uh-- [switches to gravelly voice] They have an innocent woman that I've neverhad intercourse with.
Cut the charade, Lilly.
I've known it's you the whole time.
I should've never let things get so out of hand, but I never realized how much dance was in me.
I'm a dancer.
That's okay, grimes.
I understand.
Holy crap, you look terrible.
Doug, bite his ass.
[Squeaks] Hey! What the hell are you doing? Curing you before you go full-on Bat Boy.
No way.
Not before I save Callie.
I started this.
I'm going to finish it.
Fine.
I'm sort of relieved to hear you say that because my dance recital is tonight.
It's a movement-based interpretation of the 1991 film Regarding Henry.
Here's a flyer.
If you're going to take on Sabrina's gang, you'll need all the firepower you can get.
I can't give you actual weapons, of course, but help yourself to any of these rejected gadgets.
This sphere can emit the ice cream truck jingle.
[Tinny "Turkey in the Straw" plays] This is a wristwatch that releases a gas that smells exactly like farts.
And this is the free T-Mobile t-shirt that you get upon activation.
When would any of these possibly come in handy? Look, they were rejected for a reason.
Ta them or leave them.
Let's do this.
[Fart noise and gas hissing] [Sniffs] Oh, hey, man, not cool.
Don't blame your farts on me, brother.
Don't call me a farter, farter.
[Mumbles] [Tinny "Turkey in the Straw" plays] Hey, you guys thinking what I'm thinking? I'm going to get a choco taco.
These gadgets are more useful than I expected.
[Gasps] Oh, Mark, thank God you came.
There's a new Real Housewives on tonight.
I'll die if I miss it.
Shh.
We don't have much time.
[Gun cocking] You've got that right.
[Squeaks] You've meddled in my tomfoolery for the last time, Batperson.
That means I'm going to shoot your face.
Any final words? [In gravelly voice] Just one.
[Supersonic scream] [All yell] [Glass shattering] [Flesh hitting flesh, grunting] Hey! Come on! Oh, that smarts! Am I the only one-- Ah! One of the perks of being part bat-- still not much of a fighter but at least I can see in the dark.
- Ow! - Callie? Where'd she go? - [Squeaks] - Ooh, watch your head.
Fear not, my faithful sidekick.
For classy transportation in a pinch, there's only one place to call.
[Phone rings] Skeffington Car Service, you spill your guts, we drive your butts.
[Laughs] All right, seriously, where am I driving your butt? Wait, slow down, dude.
Y-you're bat who? Fighting crime? Callie--what-- is what? Mark, respectfully, if you want a ride that badly, all you have to do is ask.
The dungeon of intercourse if you will, please.
Not a problem.
Uh, but we do have to make one quick stop on the way if you don't mind.
You do what you have to do, my good man.
My name is Michael Caine.
That way.
Step on it! Okay, but we're going to have a word about that outfit when we get home tonight.
Did you know that you are the spitting image of a young Dudley Moore? During the filming of Hannah and Her Sisters, the whole course of the movie, I thought it was called Panda and Her Sisters, and they were going to add a panda bear in special effects.
Your boyfriend is irritatingly persistent.
Yeah.
It's annoying.
What now? I don't know.
Run her off the road or something.
Dude, that's an armored van.
This is a Lincoln continental on lease.
On the set of The Cider House Rules, Tobey Maguire tried to have sex with me three different times.
Shut up, Michael Caine! Your boyfriend is about to go out with a bang.
Really? That's your big line? Admittedly, not the best.
I'm trying to drive here.
[Screeches] What the hell? Is that Steve Buscemi? I love his work! [Supersonic scream] Uh-oh.
[Glass cracking and shattering] Ah! It's in my hair! It's in my hair! Get it out.
Get it out.
Get it out.
Get it out! [Tires screech] Funny story.
On the set of Jaws 4: The Revenge, I actually killed and ground up a native boy into pate and served it at craft services.
Oh, Mark, thank you so much for saving me.
No matter what you look like on the outside, you're still my hero.
[Supersonic scream] Ah! Ah! Bite him, Doug.
Bite him! [Squeaks] Crunch! Dah! Oh [Groans] FYI: He'll need to bite you there once a day for the next year to make sure you don't relapse.
Of course he will.
We're frequently told to avoid a simple life, to aim high and go for broke We're thrilled to be in business with you, Mr.
Skeffington.
Here's a bucket of money.
To look for ways to better ourselves [Sobs] I can't believe I'm missing football for this.
Even if the risk outweighs the reward I get one phone call, right? Does anyone have the number for Sarah McLachlan? Thus ends the adventures of Batperson.
I can't say I'll miss it.
Me, neither.
But when all is said and done, a simple life is a good life.
You know what? Leave the cape on.
Well, good enough.