Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt (2015) s04e10 Episode Script
Kimmy Finds a Liar!
1 - [DETERMINED MUSIC.]
- [MEN.]
Whee! Whee! Guess what, bitch! You work for me now! Oh, boy, I'm so sorry.
I was just trying to be confident.
Can I please be your client, please? Well, you're emotionally scarred enough to be an actress.
Oh, no, I don't wanna act.
Although I would be amazing.
[MELODRAMATICALLY.]
"Give me back my baby, Derek.
" I wrote and illustrated a book double threat and I wanna get it in Oprah's Book Club.
Although it's for kids.
Is there a kid Oprah? [AS OPRAH.]
Who's turning seven? Kimmy, the book business is all about self-promotion.
Oh, I've been promoting it.
[QUIRKY MUSIC.]
[DOOR CLATTERS OPEN.]
Girl, after the Kimmy's Talent Show debacle, I told you no more posters in my room.
On the good ship Lollipop You can eat your lollipops - You can eat 'em all day - I can't believe I came out of my room for this.
Okay.
Well, does The Legends of Greemulax have an online presence? - Do you tweet? - I do when I'm singing my morning jam, "Rockin' Robin.
" Search results for your book One.
That's actually hard to do.
Are you doing a reading at a bridal shop? What? No.
It says here K.
C.
Schmidt is doing a reading at Darryl's Bridal.
Darryl's Bridal? - [KIMMY GASPS.]
- [JACQUELINE.]
Ugh.
That is not a good picture of you.
That's not me.
That's Fran Dodd! Well, she is rough.
Ooh, he's going down to Feelbad Town! [UPBEAT MUSIC.]
[BANKSTON.]
Unbreakable They alive, damn it It's a miracle Unbreakable They alive, damn it But females are strong as hell Unbreakable They alive, damn it It's a miracle Unbreakable They alive, damn it That's gonna be, uh you know, a fascinating transition.
[SINGERS.]
Damn it [DOOR CLICKS OPEN.]
[CHUCKLING.]
Hey, Titus.
Your head is looking awfully shiny this morning.
What's the occasion? Jacqueline wants to meet with me about an opportunity that could, quote, "change both of our lives," which could only mean one thing - Murder-suicide.
- black Spider-Man.
[GIGGLES.]
[CELL PHONE BUZZING.]
Ugh, Sheba Goodman.
No, thanks.
Well, what if she needs something? Didn't your dead boyfriend make you her mommy or whatever? I control her trust.
And I know exactly what she wants: more money for one of her stupid business ideas.
It's a white-noise app, but instead of doing that quiet sound for hours, it makes one loud sound all at once.
Time-saver.
The largest human organ is the skin, right? Not anymore! I need $10,000.
I found the perfect space for my year-round Halloween store.
It's a year-round Christmas store that went out of business for some reason.
How is that woman Artie Goodman's daughter? He used his money to protect the environment.
He gave millions to Planned Parrot-hood.
Did you say "Planned Parrot-hood"? It's a big decision.
They live forever, and they tell the cops you shot your husband.
Artie also started that day camp for at-risk children, Artie's Farties.
Yeah, "farties" was a common nickname for children 'cause they smell bad, they're almost always an accident, and you have to be extra worried if they're silent.
And if you have a lot of them, no one likes you.
[CELL PHONE BUZZING.]
[LILLIAN.]
Ugh.
[IN POLISH.]
This phone number is out of service.
Beep! being ghosted by a Polish guy.
[SNICKERS.]
Titus, I found the perfect role for you: - boyfriend.
- Oh, Jacqueline.
I thought this might happen, but I only see you as a colleague and an enemy.
Not my boyfriend.
I'm too busy for a relationship.
That's why I have Haruki.
[ELECTRO-TRADITIONAL FUSION MUSIC PLAYING.]
[EXHALES.]
Secrets are easy when you have no friends.
[GIGGLES.]
[INHALES.]
I've been approached about placing you in a fake celebrity PR relationship, like Hiddleswift or TomKat or Blob.
Blac Chyna and Rob Kardashian? You'd be "dating" a straight male celebrity who needs to look gay for his fan base.
Oh, a reverse beard, also called an eyebrows.
Do you know Tad Frye? He hosts that HGTV show Pad Thai where they renovate your entire apartment while you're stuck on the toilet after eating Thai food.
This is gonna be great.
[TOILET FLUSHES.]
I think I heard a flush.
Tiffany.
Surprise! While you were filling up your toilet, we gave you a sick new pad.
- What? - [TAD.]
Come on, check it out.
- [CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS.]
- [TAD.]
New flooring, new cabinets, new quartz countertops.
The whole oh.
The whole thing is new.
Thank you.
I think I heard another flush, so I'm off to the next project.
That guy's straight? Isn't he best friends with Lisa Vanderpump's dog? That's what he wants you to think.
But Tad was seen at Costco buying paper towels in bulk with his wife.
If this gets out, he'll lose his sponsors, like Ellen's line of homosexual patio furniture.
Me with Tad Frye.
Compared to that fabulosity, Mikey's basic banker boyfriend will look like a zero.
And I'll look like a hundred zeroes! So we all get something out of this.
Tad gets an eyebrows, his agent owes me one, and you save the community center or whatever.
- Make Mikey jealous.
- No, you're the best.
Thank you! Francis Merriwether Dodd! Please! Don't hit me! [YELPS.]
You're taking credit for my book.
That's like tracing! What? You're K.
C.
Schmidt? I didn't know.
Usually K and C are boys' letters.
The girls' letters are V, Q, A, and M because N is her son.
That's insane! The vowels are the girls.
- Oh, yeah.
- Now, why'd you steal my book? It was an accident, okay? I was at a bookstore shoplifting books to burn at a men's rights rally.
Nancy Drew doing the work of two Hardy Boys? [CHUCKLES.]
Shyeah, right.
And then I saw this, like, handmade book with, like, female knights.
You mean the Rainbow Knights, a play on Rainbow Brites? And when I got back to work, it fell out of my bag, and she saw it my coworker Monica.
This is beautiful! The message of female empowerment is so inspiring.
[GENTLE MUSIC.]
[FRAN.]
And she just assumed I wrote it.
[KIMMY.]
Why would she assume that? I did that.
I made that.
K.
C.
Schmidt is my pen name.
Girls can be knights too.
I love you! I don't know.
But now she's my girlfriend, and we French-kissed sorry.
Freedom-kissed.
But look, please don't ruin this for me.
I have not had a lot of girlfriends.
I thought I had a girlfriend in high school, but it turns out, she was just pranking me into signing up for color guard.
[ROUSING MARCHING BAND MUSIC PLAYING.]
I'm not controlling it! It's controlling me! Girlfriend, help! Look, I am not trying to make money or anything, I swear.
Monica set up this "reading.
" Okay? No one's even gonna come.
The only people who follow her on Twitter are her mom and, of course, Taye Diggs.
So what? I'm not gonna let you use my book to trick some lady into thinking you're nice.
You're naughty.
I saw Santa's list, and it's coal for you, pal! No! I am nice.
I have changed because of your book.
I don't go to men's rights rallies anymore.
I don't tweet female video game designers that I am "inside their house.
" [CHUCKLES.]
Gosh, I forget why I even did that in the first place.
Oh, and Dick Wayne.
I get it now.
He is off my Christmas card list.
[SUSPICIOUS MUSIC.]
So my book changed your life and made you a better person? Is the pope a woman? No.
But he should be.
[MONICA.]
Sorry.
Are you ready, Mr.
Author? My mom and Taye Diggs are in the other room.
[GIGGLES.]
I love you.
Do you want a house? - Ooh, yeah! - [GIGGLING.]
[GIGGLING CONTINUES.]
[MONICA SQUEALS.]
[QUIRKY MUSIC.]
[SMUG MUSIC.]
Hello, Michael.
I'm glad I caught you during lunch.
Nah, this is just a union-mandated spaghetti break.
What's up? I know we were supposed to hang out tonight To watch E!'s Top Ten Wig Fires.
[CHUCKLES.]
But I can't.
I forgot I had dinner plans with my boyfriend.
I didn't know you were seeing anyone.
Oh, I'm not seeing "anyone.
" I'm seeing someone.
Do you know Tad Frye? Do I? I just drafted him in my fantasy contractor league! I feel so bad for canceling.
Why don't you and Blandrew oh, sorry Andrew join us? Wow, we'd love to.
But we can't stay out too late.
Andrew has to get up early 'cause of the Asian markets.
Mm.
I prefer to go to the Asian markets at night.
That's when they throw out the old crabs.
I'll text you the deets.
Ha, yeah.
- Unbelie - [CELL PHONE BUZZING.]
"Unknown"? Who is this? If you're a cop, you have to tell me.
I'm with the Diplo County Sheriff's Office in Nevada.
Lillian.
Don't hang up.
I got arrested.
[LILLIAN.]
Sheba! For the love of Pete, what are you even doing in Nevada? I used my allowance to go to Burning They, the gender-neutral Burning Man.
Well, wait, you used it I'm mayor of my village.
I was in charge of the orange slices and lube.
But then I got arrested for grabbing a cop's gun.
But it wasn't my fault! I was hallucinating, and I thought it was a wizard's gun.
[SIGHS.]
Yeah, nothing's ever your fault, is it? [TEARFULLY.]
Look, I'm sorry.
Just get me out of here, okay? They're having pizza for dinner.
Nevada pizza.
Oh, no.
That ain't right.
All right, I guess I'll have to find a bail bondsman in Diplo, Nevada.
- [EXHALES.]
- [LILLIAN.]
Hang tight.
Ooh, and if you have to join a gang, I recommend Latin.
They're just more fun.
[INFLECTING BRIGHTLY.]
We're here having a gay dinner.
We've got a basket full of bread, water, and now all we need is some great conversation.
[LAUGHS.]
Wow! You sound just like you do on TV.
Oh, it's so nice to be out.
[CHUCKLES.]
A normal dinner date for us is Tad cooking scrod in his underwear while I paint him from memory.
[BOTH CHUCKLE.]
So how long have you two been together? Only a month.
In this lifetime.
[LAUGHS.]
But there's such a connection.
We must have known each other in a past life.
Perhaps I was a dinosaur and he was a sexually adventurous caveman.
That's intense.
Our relationship is intense.
Tad is building us a bed made from woods such as shedloe and balsett.
And I write us love songs like You Are in a restaurant With me Tonight And the tables and chairs And pants and the hairs Are all theres Because of love [BOTH MOANING SOFTLY.]
[BOTH SMOOCH.]
[TAD.]
Wow.
[INFLECTING BRIGHTLY.]
That was a gay kiss.
[ALL LAUGHING.]
so Tad came over and replaced the whole panel.
Wow.
Tad's doing electrical work for you.
That's neat! Tad and I are like Iago and Jafar, the original gay Disney duo.
[LAUGHTER.]
Laughter: a sure sign of a good time.
[CELL PHONE BUZZING.]
Oh, I'm sorry.
I have to take this.
And now that Andrew has stepped away from the table, it's time to talk about him.
Yes.
How long have you two been together, Mikey? Um, a year? Yeah, I guess so, 'cause when me and him met, Vin Diesel and the Rock were still friends.
- Oh.
- That's a long time to be dating.
That's too long.
And now I'm gonna fill this silence with the words I'm saying right now.
[DEVIOUS MUSIC.]
- [SIGHS.]
- [DOOR CLICKS OPEN.]
Hey, have you seen seven cats come through here? Lillian, can people change? Are you talking menopause or werewolves? 'Cause one of them is a legend made up to scare children, and the other one is werewolves.
No, I mean can a bad person all of a sudden become a good person? Like Slimer from Ghostbusters.
In the movies, he's a bad guy, but in the cartoons, he's just part of the team.
What changed? Oh, honey, this is the real world.
People don't change.
Not like that.
But what if the person I'm talking about was inspired by a very special book? If this is about Jesus, pass! - [DOOR BANGS SHUT.]
- [LILLIAN.]
Hey.
- Jealous? - [KIMMY AND LILLIAN GASP.]
I can't believe I know someone in the paper! I'm roommates with "Tall Cee Lo.
" Give me that.
[GASPS.]
You skinny blonde bitch! - Thank you.
- You want proof that people are who they are? Is that Sheba Goodman? Yeah, and she's not in jail or Nevada! That little dirtbag scammed me.
And to think I actually felt sorry for her, thinking she was eating Nevada pizza.
- What? No! - What would that even be? What about the money? I sent ten grand to a bail bondsman.
Ten grand.
She used it for her stupid year-round Halloween store.
Year-round? Interesting.
So one could celebrate the Fourth of Boo -ly and Martin Boo -ther King Day and [EERILY.]
Chri-i-istmas.
I'm gonna find that place, and I'm gonna teach her a lesson, starting with shutting the whole thing down! Not if I find it first.
How scary is it? Be honest! [SIGHS HAPPILY.]
There he is.
Did you forget my name again? - Oh, you.
- You still haven't said it.
You're blowing up, and this time, it's not from eating old crab.
Crushing it Mikey's this close to dumping Andrew and running to me like those losers in the Olympics.
"Hey, let's go to Brazil and run in a circle.
" So can you have lunch with Tad today? Because Show Breed Dog Food wants you to be photographed holding a bag of their healthy coat formula on your next gay date.
It's a product I use anyway.
[CHUCKLES SOFTLY.]
Crushing it! - [DOOR CLICKS OPEN.]
- [WOLF HOWLS.]
Welcome to Halloween 360.
Can I h Oh, crap.
Yes.
You are done here.
You stole from your dead father to open a dumb store with a name that doesn't even make sense.
It is called Halloween 360 because it's open all year.
That's not a year.
It's a circle The Earth is round, Lillian.
I don't even know how you did it.
I-I sent that money to a bail bondsman.
Did you? First of all, there's no Diplo County.
Diplo is only the name of the greatest musician since the Vengaboys.
I made that bail bondsman website on Squarespace, and then I connected the pay portal to my Venmo account, and blazmo.
That's how millennials say "cha-ching," because "cha-ching" might be offensive.
We don't know, and we're afraid to ask.
But the phone call with the cop Yeah, that was my friend Dennis.
I called from the strip club that he works at.
That's why he was dressed like a cop.
[DANCE MUSIC PULSING.]
Whoo! Yas! I couldn't see that.
- Well, it helped my performance.
- [DOOR CLICKS OPEN, WOLF HOWLS.]
Thank gosh it's still here! I brought this cart from home.
Tell me when I run out of money.
Spiders? Yes and yes.
Ghosts? Don't mind if I boo.
[LAUGHS.]
Skeleton.
I have one, but she could use a dance partner.
[EERIE MUSIC.]
These toilet pumpkins! [LAUGHS.]
I mean toilet pumpkins.
[TENSE MUSIC.]
[AS THE REVEREND.]
You don't deserve a real toilet.
Go in the pumpkin! [GASPS.]
Oh, no.
It's happening.
What the hell is she doing? Don't look at me.
Nobody look at me! Lillian.
You're right.
People don't change that fast.
This is me after two years of therapy.
Lillian, you know this freaky bitch? There's no way Fran Dodd is just good all of a sudden.
What do you think you're doing? This is stolen merchandise.
I'm making a citizen's arrest! Nice try! I know you're not a citizen.
[GRUNTS.]
You stupid brat - with your baby store! - Ah! Ow! - What do you think? - Ow! You're nothing compared to me! I'm done.
Can someone throw me a mummy? - [LILLIAN.]
throw a leg at me! - I'm gonna call the cops! - Ah, call the cops! I don't care! - [BOTH SHOUT.]
Sober up, you psychos.
- Not likely, pal! - You better hope not! I'm on prescription heroin! [SIGHS.]
God! Artie is rolling over in his grave.
Oh, yeah, the great Artie Goodman.
The philanthropist, the businessman with a conscience, one of two men in Hustler 's first interracial pictorial.
You ever consider that maybe I am this way because I'm Artie Goodman's daughter? I forgot.
It's always someone else's fault.
It is his fault! No matter what I do, I'll always look like a failure compared to him.
You think your father never screwed up? - [SCOFFS.]
- Well, let me tell you a story.
May 1948.
The Israeli Knesset - Fast-forward.
- Fine.
When your father started his company, no one would buy organic eggs because they were brown.
You have to remember, this was pre-Obama America, back when there was still racism.
So Artie painted his eggs white.
Well, nobody knew at the time that lead-based paint caused dumbness and rapid back-of-head hair growth, so in '76, people started having mullets.
Oh, that was the same year that Rod Stewart released "Hot Legs.
" Which was both dumb and mullet.
When Artie noticed the mullet clusters around his stores, he spoke up! He didn't have to take the blame for mullets, but he did! He paid millions in fines and class-action haircuts.
He wrote and produced "Da Ya Think I'm Sexy?" to get Rod Stewart's career back on track! The difference between you and your father isn't that he was perfect and you're not.
[SIGHS.]
It's that he took responsibility when he screwed up.
At least now you're finally facing some consequences.
[SIGHS.]
[PROTESTORS CHANTING.]
MRA! MRA! - Take it down! - Lock her up! - Take it down! - Lock her up! - Take it down! - Lock her up! - Take it down! - Eleanor Roosevelt gave us unrealistic expectations of cousins! - Aha! - [SHOUTS.]
Don't hit me! You do still come to these rallies.
You lied to me.
And you're lying to Monica! Okay, okay, look, listen, listen.
This is the only way I get to see my old friends.
For some reason, Monica doesn't like these guys.
- She should've been in the wheelchair! - [CROWD CHEERS.]
That was not a nice thing to say.
I get that now.
But this was my chosen family for a long time.
Nelson picked me up at the police station when I got that DUI on my dirt bike.
When Terry got divorced, I'm the one that took him to the tattoo parlor to get "Jessica" changed into "Jessicar.
" [CHUCKLES.]
Take that, Jessicar.
I mean, what kind of friend would I be if I just ditched them for Monica? What, just 'cause she's nice and smart and this is gonna sound like a lie, but when she touches my pee-pee, I swear it gets bigger.
Lookit, Fran, I believe you're trying to change.
And I know it's hard.
I mean, I go to the bathroom every time I see a plastic pumpkin.
Whenever I see a dog pooping outside, my body is like, "What, you think he's better than you?" But you can't be a good person just when Monica's watching.
You have to work on it even if it's scary and it's easier to just do nothing.
You have to choose between Monica and these sexist dudes.
What? We're lesbians.
We want this statue to come down because Eleanor never came out.
- [CHANTING.]
Come out, Eleanor! - [ALL.]
Come out, Eleanor! [MALE PROTESTORS.]
Lock her up! [FEMALE PROTESTORS.]
Come out, Eleanor! [MALE PROTESTORS.]
Lock her up! Two thousand nineteen is a mess.
I choose Monica, okay? Great.
But words aren't enough anymore.
You've already lied once.
I want you to show me.
- [MALE PROTESTORS.]
Lock her up! - [FEMALE PROTESTORS.]
Come out, Eleanor! - [MALE PROTESTORS.]
Lock her up! - [FEMALE PROTESTORS.]
Come out, Eleanor! [INSPIRING ROCK MUSIC PLAYING.]
[MAN.]
Oh-oh, oh-oh-oh-oh Oh-oh, oh-oh-oh-oh [MAN.]
What the hell are you doing, Fran? [MAN.]
Oh-oh-oh-oh The future is female! [MAN.]
Oh-oh Beyoncé is queen! [MAN.]
Oh-oh-oh-oh I have two mommies! And I don't care what you think.
It gets bigger! - [LAUGHING.]
- [MAN.]
Judas! [MALE PROTESTORS.]
Fran is a girl's name Fran is a girl's name [FEMALE PROTESTORS CHANTING.]
Fran is a girl's name! [ALL.]
Fran is a girl's name! Fran is a girl's name! Fran is a girl's name! Ms.
Sheba Goodman, how do you plead? Not guilty, Your Honor.
And may I say, congratulations on whatever you're graduating from.
Ms.
Goodman, I'm sure this has been quite an ordeal for you, and I have no desire to prolong it.
Your family is a pillar of this community.
Meanwhile, your assailant, Ms.
Kaushtupper, invented the knockout game, released bees at the Met Ball, tried to sell drugs to a uniformed police officer, and, from what I can tell, was the only person looting during the 2003 blackout.
Oh, yeah, I got my steps in that night! And yesterday, she assaulted and attempted to rob you.
This court doesn't see how you bear any responsibility in this matter.
[QUIRKY MUSIC.]
You're right, honey.
Everything is everybody's fault but yours.
No, it's my fault.
[CROWD GASPS.]
I lied to her, I stole money from my trust fund, and I threw the first punch well, reasonably priced novelty tombstone.
I don't wanna go back to prison.
The lighting is so bad there.
But if anyone deserves it it's me.
[SNIFFLES.]
Mm.
All right, everybody! That's a wrap! Oh, see Jerry for your checks on the way out.
[JUDGE.]
Thanks, Lillian.
This was fun.
[LILLIAN.]
Marty.
[LAUGHS.]
- You were great! - [MARTY LAUGHS.]
- Anytime, Lillian.
- [BOTH LAUGH.]
Oh, you're not the only one with stripper friends.
What the hell is this? This is how you do a real grift, baby! Old school! You hire some friends.
You send Dick Wolf a coupon to Six Flags so he shuts down production and leaves town.
How did you pay for all this? Well, part of your trust fund is earmarked for education.
And you just got schooled.
[HUFFS.]
Hey, kiddo.
Not all of this was fake.
When you stepped up and you took responsibility, that was real.
Hey.
You're more like your father than you give yourself credit for.
Yeah.
That was a legit good thing I did.
I'm a hero.
Sure.
Now just maybe try and keep it up.
I will.
Because I'm Sheba Goodman, and I'm gonna make the world a better place.
I'm gonna teach yoga to ISIS.
[GASPS.]
Or maybe start small.
Uh Oh, my dad's Farties.
Come on.
'Cause the menu and the chairs And the doors Are also in love [MIKEY.]
I'm sorry.
I-I can't just sit here and watch you two being all lovey-dovey.
Wow, it looks like Mikey's got something to say.
So let's kick it back over to Mikey for the end of that thought.
- Mikey? - Thanks, Tad! Look, I did I didn't wanna make this about me, about us.
God, I wasn't planning on doing this now, but last night, I realized we've been dating too long.
Mikey, what's going on? Andrew I'm sorry to do it like this, but Ha-ha! Ya basic.
will you marry me? I know I said I didn't wanna get married.
But I think part of me was holding back because of Titus.
Oh, this is Titus from the boat.
You remember the boat? Yes, Michael, I remember the boat.
But seeing them doing so good and so in love - It's like, what am I waiting for? - [BOTH CHUCKLE.]
So what do you say? - [LAUGHS.]
Yes.
- [APPLAUSE.]
[CRIES SOFTLY.]
Look at that ring! [CRYING.]
[CHUCKLING.]
Now you've inspired me! Uh, Tad.
Will you marry me? You know what I can't do? This.
Sorry, dude.
I don't even know you.
And also, I'm in love with my wife.
I don't care if it ends my career.
I can't live this lie anymore.
So let's see what's going on anywhere else.
You're so handsome.
[THUDS.]
- [GRUNTS UNCOMFORTABLY.]
- [CHILDREN WHINE.]
This is a game? [GIRL.]
I want the ball! Maybe people can change.
Everyone's turning over new leafs.
Sheba and Fran fudging Dodd are trying to be better people.
Jacqueline's businessladying.
Titus faces new and scary stuff literally every second of the day.
I once saw him give his wallet to his own shadow! When was the last time I did something like that? I never thought this would be a bad thing, but my life has gotten safe.
Hey, if you're thinking of taking up Russian roulette, I know people who will pay to watch.
[PENSIVE MUSIC.]
[SIGHS.]
[INTRIGUED MUSIC.]
[STIRRING MUSIC.]
[DETERMINED MUSIC.]
Zach, it's time for me to see the world.
So I quit.
[TRAIN WHISTLE TOOTS.]
Kimmy, I'm going to suggest you don't quit until next week.
[WHISPERING.]
We're gonna be millionaires.
[WHISPERING.]
Did you say gamillionaires? [WHISPERING.]
No.
Why would I say that? I said millionaires.
[WHISPERING.]
Oh.
That's good too.
[CHEERY STRING MUSIC.]
- Good night, everybody! - Good night!
- [MEN.]
Whee! Whee! Guess what, bitch! You work for me now! Oh, boy, I'm so sorry.
I was just trying to be confident.
Can I please be your client, please? Well, you're emotionally scarred enough to be an actress.
Oh, no, I don't wanna act.
Although I would be amazing.
[MELODRAMATICALLY.]
"Give me back my baby, Derek.
" I wrote and illustrated a book double threat and I wanna get it in Oprah's Book Club.
Although it's for kids.
Is there a kid Oprah? [AS OPRAH.]
Who's turning seven? Kimmy, the book business is all about self-promotion.
Oh, I've been promoting it.
[QUIRKY MUSIC.]
[DOOR CLATTERS OPEN.]
Girl, after the Kimmy's Talent Show debacle, I told you no more posters in my room.
On the good ship Lollipop You can eat your lollipops - You can eat 'em all day - I can't believe I came out of my room for this.
Okay.
Well, does The Legends of Greemulax have an online presence? - Do you tweet? - I do when I'm singing my morning jam, "Rockin' Robin.
" Search results for your book One.
That's actually hard to do.
Are you doing a reading at a bridal shop? What? No.
It says here K.
C.
Schmidt is doing a reading at Darryl's Bridal.
Darryl's Bridal? - [KIMMY GASPS.]
- [JACQUELINE.]
Ugh.
That is not a good picture of you.
That's not me.
That's Fran Dodd! Well, she is rough.
Ooh, he's going down to Feelbad Town! [UPBEAT MUSIC.]
[BANKSTON.]
Unbreakable They alive, damn it It's a miracle Unbreakable They alive, damn it But females are strong as hell Unbreakable They alive, damn it It's a miracle Unbreakable They alive, damn it That's gonna be, uh you know, a fascinating transition.
[SINGERS.]
Damn it [DOOR CLICKS OPEN.]
[CHUCKLING.]
Hey, Titus.
Your head is looking awfully shiny this morning.
What's the occasion? Jacqueline wants to meet with me about an opportunity that could, quote, "change both of our lives," which could only mean one thing - Murder-suicide.
- black Spider-Man.
[GIGGLES.]
[CELL PHONE BUZZING.]
Ugh, Sheba Goodman.
No, thanks.
Well, what if she needs something? Didn't your dead boyfriend make you her mommy or whatever? I control her trust.
And I know exactly what she wants: more money for one of her stupid business ideas.
It's a white-noise app, but instead of doing that quiet sound for hours, it makes one loud sound all at once.
Time-saver.
The largest human organ is the skin, right? Not anymore! I need $10,000.
I found the perfect space for my year-round Halloween store.
It's a year-round Christmas store that went out of business for some reason.
How is that woman Artie Goodman's daughter? He used his money to protect the environment.
He gave millions to Planned Parrot-hood.
Did you say "Planned Parrot-hood"? It's a big decision.
They live forever, and they tell the cops you shot your husband.
Artie also started that day camp for at-risk children, Artie's Farties.
Yeah, "farties" was a common nickname for children 'cause they smell bad, they're almost always an accident, and you have to be extra worried if they're silent.
And if you have a lot of them, no one likes you.
[CELL PHONE BUZZING.]
[LILLIAN.]
Ugh.
[IN POLISH.]
This phone number is out of service.
Beep! being ghosted by a Polish guy.
[SNICKERS.]
Titus, I found the perfect role for you: - boyfriend.
- Oh, Jacqueline.
I thought this might happen, but I only see you as a colleague and an enemy.
Not my boyfriend.
I'm too busy for a relationship.
That's why I have Haruki.
[ELECTRO-TRADITIONAL FUSION MUSIC PLAYING.]
[EXHALES.]
Secrets are easy when you have no friends.
[GIGGLES.]
[INHALES.]
I've been approached about placing you in a fake celebrity PR relationship, like Hiddleswift or TomKat or Blob.
Blac Chyna and Rob Kardashian? You'd be "dating" a straight male celebrity who needs to look gay for his fan base.
Oh, a reverse beard, also called an eyebrows.
Do you know Tad Frye? He hosts that HGTV show Pad Thai where they renovate your entire apartment while you're stuck on the toilet after eating Thai food.
This is gonna be great.
[TOILET FLUSHES.]
I think I heard a flush.
Tiffany.
Surprise! While you were filling up your toilet, we gave you a sick new pad.
- What? - [TAD.]
Come on, check it out.
- [CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS.]
- [TAD.]
New flooring, new cabinets, new quartz countertops.
The whole oh.
The whole thing is new.
Thank you.
I think I heard another flush, so I'm off to the next project.
That guy's straight? Isn't he best friends with Lisa Vanderpump's dog? That's what he wants you to think.
But Tad was seen at Costco buying paper towels in bulk with his wife.
If this gets out, he'll lose his sponsors, like Ellen's line of homosexual patio furniture.
Me with Tad Frye.
Compared to that fabulosity, Mikey's basic banker boyfriend will look like a zero.
And I'll look like a hundred zeroes! So we all get something out of this.
Tad gets an eyebrows, his agent owes me one, and you save the community center or whatever.
- Make Mikey jealous.
- No, you're the best.
Thank you! Francis Merriwether Dodd! Please! Don't hit me! [YELPS.]
You're taking credit for my book.
That's like tracing! What? You're K.
C.
Schmidt? I didn't know.
Usually K and C are boys' letters.
The girls' letters are V, Q, A, and M because N is her son.
That's insane! The vowels are the girls.
- Oh, yeah.
- Now, why'd you steal my book? It was an accident, okay? I was at a bookstore shoplifting books to burn at a men's rights rally.
Nancy Drew doing the work of two Hardy Boys? [CHUCKLES.]
Shyeah, right.
And then I saw this, like, handmade book with, like, female knights.
You mean the Rainbow Knights, a play on Rainbow Brites? And when I got back to work, it fell out of my bag, and she saw it my coworker Monica.
This is beautiful! The message of female empowerment is so inspiring.
[GENTLE MUSIC.]
[FRAN.]
And she just assumed I wrote it.
[KIMMY.]
Why would she assume that? I did that.
I made that.
K.
C.
Schmidt is my pen name.
Girls can be knights too.
I love you! I don't know.
But now she's my girlfriend, and we French-kissed sorry.
Freedom-kissed.
But look, please don't ruin this for me.
I have not had a lot of girlfriends.
I thought I had a girlfriend in high school, but it turns out, she was just pranking me into signing up for color guard.
[ROUSING MARCHING BAND MUSIC PLAYING.]
I'm not controlling it! It's controlling me! Girlfriend, help! Look, I am not trying to make money or anything, I swear.
Monica set up this "reading.
" Okay? No one's even gonna come.
The only people who follow her on Twitter are her mom and, of course, Taye Diggs.
So what? I'm not gonna let you use my book to trick some lady into thinking you're nice.
You're naughty.
I saw Santa's list, and it's coal for you, pal! No! I am nice.
I have changed because of your book.
I don't go to men's rights rallies anymore.
I don't tweet female video game designers that I am "inside their house.
" [CHUCKLES.]
Gosh, I forget why I even did that in the first place.
Oh, and Dick Wayne.
I get it now.
He is off my Christmas card list.
[SUSPICIOUS MUSIC.]
So my book changed your life and made you a better person? Is the pope a woman? No.
But he should be.
[MONICA.]
Sorry.
Are you ready, Mr.
Author? My mom and Taye Diggs are in the other room.
[GIGGLES.]
I love you.
Do you want a house? - Ooh, yeah! - [GIGGLING.]
[GIGGLING CONTINUES.]
[MONICA SQUEALS.]
[QUIRKY MUSIC.]
[SMUG MUSIC.]
Hello, Michael.
I'm glad I caught you during lunch.
Nah, this is just a union-mandated spaghetti break.
What's up? I know we were supposed to hang out tonight To watch E!'s Top Ten Wig Fires.
[CHUCKLES.]
But I can't.
I forgot I had dinner plans with my boyfriend.
I didn't know you were seeing anyone.
Oh, I'm not seeing "anyone.
" I'm seeing someone.
Do you know Tad Frye? Do I? I just drafted him in my fantasy contractor league! I feel so bad for canceling.
Why don't you and Blandrew oh, sorry Andrew join us? Wow, we'd love to.
But we can't stay out too late.
Andrew has to get up early 'cause of the Asian markets.
Mm.
I prefer to go to the Asian markets at night.
That's when they throw out the old crabs.
I'll text you the deets.
Ha, yeah.
- Unbelie - [CELL PHONE BUZZING.]
"Unknown"? Who is this? If you're a cop, you have to tell me.
I'm with the Diplo County Sheriff's Office in Nevada.
Lillian.
Don't hang up.
I got arrested.
[LILLIAN.]
Sheba! For the love of Pete, what are you even doing in Nevada? I used my allowance to go to Burning They, the gender-neutral Burning Man.
Well, wait, you used it I'm mayor of my village.
I was in charge of the orange slices and lube.
But then I got arrested for grabbing a cop's gun.
But it wasn't my fault! I was hallucinating, and I thought it was a wizard's gun.
[SIGHS.]
Yeah, nothing's ever your fault, is it? [TEARFULLY.]
Look, I'm sorry.
Just get me out of here, okay? They're having pizza for dinner.
Nevada pizza.
Oh, no.
That ain't right.
All right, I guess I'll have to find a bail bondsman in Diplo, Nevada.
- [EXHALES.]
- [LILLIAN.]
Hang tight.
Ooh, and if you have to join a gang, I recommend Latin.
They're just more fun.
[INFLECTING BRIGHTLY.]
We're here having a gay dinner.
We've got a basket full of bread, water, and now all we need is some great conversation.
[LAUGHS.]
Wow! You sound just like you do on TV.
Oh, it's so nice to be out.
[CHUCKLES.]
A normal dinner date for us is Tad cooking scrod in his underwear while I paint him from memory.
[BOTH CHUCKLE.]
So how long have you two been together? Only a month.
In this lifetime.
[LAUGHS.]
But there's such a connection.
We must have known each other in a past life.
Perhaps I was a dinosaur and he was a sexually adventurous caveman.
That's intense.
Our relationship is intense.
Tad is building us a bed made from woods such as shedloe and balsett.
And I write us love songs like You Are in a restaurant With me Tonight And the tables and chairs And pants and the hairs Are all theres Because of love [BOTH MOANING SOFTLY.]
[BOTH SMOOCH.]
[TAD.]
Wow.
[INFLECTING BRIGHTLY.]
That was a gay kiss.
[ALL LAUGHING.]
so Tad came over and replaced the whole panel.
Wow.
Tad's doing electrical work for you.
That's neat! Tad and I are like Iago and Jafar, the original gay Disney duo.
[LAUGHTER.]
Laughter: a sure sign of a good time.
[CELL PHONE BUZZING.]
Oh, I'm sorry.
I have to take this.
And now that Andrew has stepped away from the table, it's time to talk about him.
Yes.
How long have you two been together, Mikey? Um, a year? Yeah, I guess so, 'cause when me and him met, Vin Diesel and the Rock were still friends.
- Oh.
- That's a long time to be dating.
That's too long.
And now I'm gonna fill this silence with the words I'm saying right now.
[DEVIOUS MUSIC.]
- [SIGHS.]
- [DOOR CLICKS OPEN.]
Hey, have you seen seven cats come through here? Lillian, can people change? Are you talking menopause or werewolves? 'Cause one of them is a legend made up to scare children, and the other one is werewolves.
No, I mean can a bad person all of a sudden become a good person? Like Slimer from Ghostbusters.
In the movies, he's a bad guy, but in the cartoons, he's just part of the team.
What changed? Oh, honey, this is the real world.
People don't change.
Not like that.
But what if the person I'm talking about was inspired by a very special book? If this is about Jesus, pass! - [DOOR BANGS SHUT.]
- [LILLIAN.]
Hey.
- Jealous? - [KIMMY AND LILLIAN GASP.]
I can't believe I know someone in the paper! I'm roommates with "Tall Cee Lo.
" Give me that.
[GASPS.]
You skinny blonde bitch! - Thank you.
- You want proof that people are who they are? Is that Sheba Goodman? Yeah, and she's not in jail or Nevada! That little dirtbag scammed me.
And to think I actually felt sorry for her, thinking she was eating Nevada pizza.
- What? No! - What would that even be? What about the money? I sent ten grand to a bail bondsman.
Ten grand.
She used it for her stupid year-round Halloween store.
Year-round? Interesting.
So one could celebrate the Fourth of Boo -ly and Martin Boo -ther King Day and [EERILY.]
Chri-i-istmas.
I'm gonna find that place, and I'm gonna teach her a lesson, starting with shutting the whole thing down! Not if I find it first.
How scary is it? Be honest! [SIGHS HAPPILY.]
There he is.
Did you forget my name again? - Oh, you.
- You still haven't said it.
You're blowing up, and this time, it's not from eating old crab.
Crushing it Mikey's this close to dumping Andrew and running to me like those losers in the Olympics.
"Hey, let's go to Brazil and run in a circle.
" So can you have lunch with Tad today? Because Show Breed Dog Food wants you to be photographed holding a bag of their healthy coat formula on your next gay date.
It's a product I use anyway.
[CHUCKLES SOFTLY.]
Crushing it! - [DOOR CLICKS OPEN.]
- [WOLF HOWLS.]
Welcome to Halloween 360.
Can I h Oh, crap.
Yes.
You are done here.
You stole from your dead father to open a dumb store with a name that doesn't even make sense.
It is called Halloween 360 because it's open all year.
That's not a year.
It's a circle The Earth is round, Lillian.
I don't even know how you did it.
I-I sent that money to a bail bondsman.
Did you? First of all, there's no Diplo County.
Diplo is only the name of the greatest musician since the Vengaboys.
I made that bail bondsman website on Squarespace, and then I connected the pay portal to my Venmo account, and blazmo.
That's how millennials say "cha-ching," because "cha-ching" might be offensive.
We don't know, and we're afraid to ask.
But the phone call with the cop Yeah, that was my friend Dennis.
I called from the strip club that he works at.
That's why he was dressed like a cop.
[DANCE MUSIC PULSING.]
Whoo! Yas! I couldn't see that.
- Well, it helped my performance.
- [DOOR CLICKS OPEN, WOLF HOWLS.]
Thank gosh it's still here! I brought this cart from home.
Tell me when I run out of money.
Spiders? Yes and yes.
Ghosts? Don't mind if I boo.
[LAUGHS.]
Skeleton.
I have one, but she could use a dance partner.
[EERIE MUSIC.]
These toilet pumpkins! [LAUGHS.]
I mean toilet pumpkins.
[TENSE MUSIC.]
[AS THE REVEREND.]
You don't deserve a real toilet.
Go in the pumpkin! [GASPS.]
Oh, no.
It's happening.
What the hell is she doing? Don't look at me.
Nobody look at me! Lillian.
You're right.
People don't change that fast.
This is me after two years of therapy.
Lillian, you know this freaky bitch? There's no way Fran Dodd is just good all of a sudden.
What do you think you're doing? This is stolen merchandise.
I'm making a citizen's arrest! Nice try! I know you're not a citizen.
[GRUNTS.]
You stupid brat - with your baby store! - Ah! Ow! - What do you think? - Ow! You're nothing compared to me! I'm done.
Can someone throw me a mummy? - [LILLIAN.]
throw a leg at me! - I'm gonna call the cops! - Ah, call the cops! I don't care! - [BOTH SHOUT.]
Sober up, you psychos.
- Not likely, pal! - You better hope not! I'm on prescription heroin! [SIGHS.]
God! Artie is rolling over in his grave.
Oh, yeah, the great Artie Goodman.
The philanthropist, the businessman with a conscience, one of two men in Hustler 's first interracial pictorial.
You ever consider that maybe I am this way because I'm Artie Goodman's daughter? I forgot.
It's always someone else's fault.
It is his fault! No matter what I do, I'll always look like a failure compared to him.
You think your father never screwed up? - [SCOFFS.]
- Well, let me tell you a story.
May 1948.
The Israeli Knesset - Fast-forward.
- Fine.
When your father started his company, no one would buy organic eggs because they were brown.
You have to remember, this was pre-Obama America, back when there was still racism.
So Artie painted his eggs white.
Well, nobody knew at the time that lead-based paint caused dumbness and rapid back-of-head hair growth, so in '76, people started having mullets.
Oh, that was the same year that Rod Stewart released "Hot Legs.
" Which was both dumb and mullet.
When Artie noticed the mullet clusters around his stores, he spoke up! He didn't have to take the blame for mullets, but he did! He paid millions in fines and class-action haircuts.
He wrote and produced "Da Ya Think I'm Sexy?" to get Rod Stewart's career back on track! The difference between you and your father isn't that he was perfect and you're not.
[SIGHS.]
It's that he took responsibility when he screwed up.
At least now you're finally facing some consequences.
[SIGHS.]
[PROTESTORS CHANTING.]
MRA! MRA! - Take it down! - Lock her up! - Take it down! - Lock her up! - Take it down! - Lock her up! - Take it down! - Eleanor Roosevelt gave us unrealistic expectations of cousins! - Aha! - [SHOUTS.]
Don't hit me! You do still come to these rallies.
You lied to me.
And you're lying to Monica! Okay, okay, look, listen, listen.
This is the only way I get to see my old friends.
For some reason, Monica doesn't like these guys.
- She should've been in the wheelchair! - [CROWD CHEERS.]
That was not a nice thing to say.
I get that now.
But this was my chosen family for a long time.
Nelson picked me up at the police station when I got that DUI on my dirt bike.
When Terry got divorced, I'm the one that took him to the tattoo parlor to get "Jessica" changed into "Jessicar.
" [CHUCKLES.]
Take that, Jessicar.
I mean, what kind of friend would I be if I just ditched them for Monica? What, just 'cause she's nice and smart and this is gonna sound like a lie, but when she touches my pee-pee, I swear it gets bigger.
Lookit, Fran, I believe you're trying to change.
And I know it's hard.
I mean, I go to the bathroom every time I see a plastic pumpkin.
Whenever I see a dog pooping outside, my body is like, "What, you think he's better than you?" But you can't be a good person just when Monica's watching.
You have to work on it even if it's scary and it's easier to just do nothing.
You have to choose between Monica and these sexist dudes.
What? We're lesbians.
We want this statue to come down because Eleanor never came out.
- [CHANTING.]
Come out, Eleanor! - [ALL.]
Come out, Eleanor! [MALE PROTESTORS.]
Lock her up! [FEMALE PROTESTORS.]
Come out, Eleanor! [MALE PROTESTORS.]
Lock her up! Two thousand nineteen is a mess.
I choose Monica, okay? Great.
But words aren't enough anymore.
You've already lied once.
I want you to show me.
- [MALE PROTESTORS.]
Lock her up! - [FEMALE PROTESTORS.]
Come out, Eleanor! - [MALE PROTESTORS.]
Lock her up! - [FEMALE PROTESTORS.]
Come out, Eleanor! [INSPIRING ROCK MUSIC PLAYING.]
[MAN.]
Oh-oh, oh-oh-oh-oh Oh-oh, oh-oh-oh-oh [MAN.]
What the hell are you doing, Fran? [MAN.]
Oh-oh-oh-oh The future is female! [MAN.]
Oh-oh Beyoncé is queen! [MAN.]
Oh-oh-oh-oh I have two mommies! And I don't care what you think.
It gets bigger! - [LAUGHING.]
- [MAN.]
Judas! [MALE PROTESTORS.]
Fran is a girl's name Fran is a girl's name [FEMALE PROTESTORS CHANTING.]
Fran is a girl's name! [ALL.]
Fran is a girl's name! Fran is a girl's name! Fran is a girl's name! Ms.
Sheba Goodman, how do you plead? Not guilty, Your Honor.
And may I say, congratulations on whatever you're graduating from.
Ms.
Goodman, I'm sure this has been quite an ordeal for you, and I have no desire to prolong it.
Your family is a pillar of this community.
Meanwhile, your assailant, Ms.
Kaushtupper, invented the knockout game, released bees at the Met Ball, tried to sell drugs to a uniformed police officer, and, from what I can tell, was the only person looting during the 2003 blackout.
Oh, yeah, I got my steps in that night! And yesterday, she assaulted and attempted to rob you.
This court doesn't see how you bear any responsibility in this matter.
[QUIRKY MUSIC.]
You're right, honey.
Everything is everybody's fault but yours.
No, it's my fault.
[CROWD GASPS.]
I lied to her, I stole money from my trust fund, and I threw the first punch well, reasonably priced novelty tombstone.
I don't wanna go back to prison.
The lighting is so bad there.
But if anyone deserves it it's me.
[SNIFFLES.]
Mm.
All right, everybody! That's a wrap! Oh, see Jerry for your checks on the way out.
[JUDGE.]
Thanks, Lillian.
This was fun.
[LILLIAN.]
Marty.
[LAUGHS.]
- You were great! - [MARTY LAUGHS.]
- Anytime, Lillian.
- [BOTH LAUGH.]
Oh, you're not the only one with stripper friends.
What the hell is this? This is how you do a real grift, baby! Old school! You hire some friends.
You send Dick Wolf a coupon to Six Flags so he shuts down production and leaves town.
How did you pay for all this? Well, part of your trust fund is earmarked for education.
And you just got schooled.
[HUFFS.]
Hey, kiddo.
Not all of this was fake.
When you stepped up and you took responsibility, that was real.
Hey.
You're more like your father than you give yourself credit for.
Yeah.
That was a legit good thing I did.
I'm a hero.
Sure.
Now just maybe try and keep it up.
I will.
Because I'm Sheba Goodman, and I'm gonna make the world a better place.
I'm gonna teach yoga to ISIS.
[GASPS.]
Or maybe start small.
Uh Oh, my dad's Farties.
Come on.
'Cause the menu and the chairs And the doors Are also in love [MIKEY.]
I'm sorry.
I-I can't just sit here and watch you two being all lovey-dovey.
Wow, it looks like Mikey's got something to say.
So let's kick it back over to Mikey for the end of that thought.
- Mikey? - Thanks, Tad! Look, I did I didn't wanna make this about me, about us.
God, I wasn't planning on doing this now, but last night, I realized we've been dating too long.
Mikey, what's going on? Andrew I'm sorry to do it like this, but Ha-ha! Ya basic.
will you marry me? I know I said I didn't wanna get married.
But I think part of me was holding back because of Titus.
Oh, this is Titus from the boat.
You remember the boat? Yes, Michael, I remember the boat.
But seeing them doing so good and so in love - It's like, what am I waiting for? - [BOTH CHUCKLE.]
So what do you say? - [LAUGHS.]
Yes.
- [APPLAUSE.]
[CRIES SOFTLY.]
Look at that ring! [CRYING.]
[CHUCKLING.]
Now you've inspired me! Uh, Tad.
Will you marry me? You know what I can't do? This.
Sorry, dude.
I don't even know you.
And also, I'm in love with my wife.
I don't care if it ends my career.
I can't live this lie anymore.
So let's see what's going on anywhere else.
You're so handsome.
[THUDS.]
- [GRUNTS UNCOMFORTABLY.]
- [CHILDREN WHINE.]
This is a game? [GIRL.]
I want the ball! Maybe people can change.
Everyone's turning over new leafs.
Sheba and Fran fudging Dodd are trying to be better people.
Jacqueline's businessladying.
Titus faces new and scary stuff literally every second of the day.
I once saw him give his wallet to his own shadow! When was the last time I did something like that? I never thought this would be a bad thing, but my life has gotten safe.
Hey, if you're thinking of taking up Russian roulette, I know people who will pay to watch.
[PENSIVE MUSIC.]
[SIGHS.]
[INTRIGUED MUSIC.]
[STIRRING MUSIC.]
[DETERMINED MUSIC.]
Zach, it's time for me to see the world.
So I quit.
[TRAIN WHISTLE TOOTS.]
Kimmy, I'm going to suggest you don't quit until next week.
[WHISPERING.]
We're gonna be millionaires.
[WHISPERING.]
Did you say gamillionaires? [WHISPERING.]
No.
Why would I say that? I said millionaires.
[WHISPERING.]
Oh.
That's good too.
[CHEERY STRING MUSIC.]
- Good night, everybody! - Good night!