Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt (2015) s04e11 Episode Script
Kimmy is Rich*!
1 Scorpions! There's scorpions everywhere! [CONFUSED CHATTER.]
Now that I've got your attention, we have an announcement to make.
Zach sold the company and we're all gonna be rich! - [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
- [GABE LAUGHING.]
That's amazing! A lot of us have equity in Giztoob.
Equity, of course, is horses.
So when Zach signs those papers tomorrow, yeah, we get horses.
[FUNKY MUSIC PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS.]
Robots can't get pregnant, yo! [CIRCUITS FIZZLE.]
C.
H.
E.
R.
Y.
/L.
, everyone's worried about you.
Quit harshing my buzz.
[CIRCUITS CRACKLE.]
I feel like I'm losing you! [UPBEAT MUSIC.]
[BANKSTON.]
Unbreakable They alive, damn it It's a miracle Unbreakable They alive, damn it But females are strong as hell Unbreakable They alive, damn it It's a miracle Unbreakable They alive, damn it That's gonna be, uh you know, a fascinating transition.
[SINGERS.]
Damn it As someone who's had many past lives, I can say for certain that this life is the worst.
My former lover is betrothed to another man, Oliver.
Why did I sit here? Right now, he and Blandrew are probably tasting cakes.
Cakes.
Meanwhile, here I am on a school bus with some of the ugliest kids I have ever met! And where am I taking you? To the theater to sit with the no-talents and watch people live my dream at me.
You think you should be in Cats? On Broadway? Yes, on Broadway.
I'd make a great cat.
I nap most of the day, I look cute in a cardboard box, I hate taking baths, and most of my enemies are birds.
You also have to be able to sing and act and stuff.
I am a triple threat.
I can sing, I can dance, and I found a gun.
[HAUGHTY MUSIC.]
[GASPS.]
Tripp, darling! Kiss, kiss.
Mwah.
[EXHALES.]
Surprised you even recognized me, what with my new look.
If you were an aquarium security guard, do you think you would know it was me? Well, I'm so glad you're back in town.
Is everything okay with the apartment? A bunch of your underwear broke because someone tried to put it on a cooked turkey.
Well, let me know if you want to extend the lease.
I just want you to be happy, and I don't mind staying at, um, my place in the Hamptons.
[BIRDS CHIRP, CAR HORN BLARES.]
Morning! I'm so glad you could stay with me.
Roomies! Mm, the street sweeper's coming.
I'm gonna take a shower.
[STREET SWEEPER RUMBLING.]
I'm only in town for a couple of days.
You know, I just gotta fire my agent - and get back to LA.
- [CHUCKLES.]
Wait.
What? LA.
It means "Los Angle-es.
" It's so awesome there.
I've already started, like, four wildfires.
No, I mean the part about you firing your agent.
Are you firing me? Look, I met Eli Rubin at Drake's bris Eli Rubin? From UTI? Yeah, I guess.
Anyway, he really wants me.
No homo.
Tripp, I discovered you.
I got you your first job.
I'm the one who convinced them to make you the new Trivago guy.
Do you need a hotel, like, now? Maybe one that's in walking distance from your house? You lead a complicated life, and everyone's giving you shit.
Trivago! I know, Jacqueline, but Eli's got, like, a whole plan for me.
And so do I! You come by the office later and let me dazzle you.
You owe me that much.
Oh, fine.
Oh, great.
The menu's in cursive.
I can't read this! [LAUGHS.]
Wonderful.
[DANCE MUSIC PLAYING.]
Whoa, Zach's got moves.
I'm not dancing.
Someone get my EpiPen.
[GRUNTS.]
Was someone here touching a squirrel? When I get my payout, I'm gonna use my money to kill all the squirrels.
I'm gonna do that thing Elon Musk did where you get weird-looking and date a street child.
I'm gonna see the world.
London, Africa, Australia, where the toilets go the other way right up to the ceiling.
Also, I'm gonna self-publish my book.
You'd like it, Zach.
It's got a magical trolley that can also be a plane or a boat.
Trolleys don't do that.
Your book is wrong.
And I'm gonna advertise it on Saturday morning cartoons.
Kimmy's book, take a look Everyone, it's Kimmy's book "Whoa! Cool book, man.
" "It's Kimmy's book.
And it talks.
" Kimmy's book available now.
Actual book does not talk.
You're gonna advertise on TV? The thing that babysits my grandma? - Sure.
- Hey, hey, Red.
Listen, I gotta borrow some stamps.
I'm sending de Blasio a box of mouse skulls for reasons that I have forgotten.
Aren't you gonna ask why we're having a party? This is a party? [LAUGHS.]
Where's the gimp? Oh.
If you have to ask where the gimp is, it's you.
Well, the reason there's a party is 'cause Zach's selling the company.
Rapier Capital is buying us, and we're all gonna be rich.
Yeah, but what does this place even do? Oh, you know Internet? Oh, boy.
Everybody wants money for nothing now.
Back in my day, you learned a trade.
You were a bricklayer or a garment worker or a prostitute.
Lillian, I'm taking the money.
I've already picked out a horse's name: Horse-o the Giant Dog.
Don't do it, Red.
There is no respectable way to get rich out of nowhere except a lottery fix.
[GUFFAWS.]
Let's get some stamps.
[DRAMATIC KEYBOARD MUSIC PLAYING.]
[ALL.]
Meow, meow, meow Meow, meow, now We're not dogs We're cats - Bet you couldn't do that.
- Bet me what? Your lame shirt? I could be a cat.
My tongue is scratchy, Japanese people are obsessed with me, and I'm always on a couch or hiding in a deli.
Easy to say, just sitting there.
[JAUNTY KEYBOARD MUSIC PLAYING.]
I'm Rumbleshanks The oldest cat I'm St.
Jellorica The most delicate cat [ENSEMBLE.]
The tinkliest, finkliest Minkliest cat Cats, cats, cats So many cats So many cats, it's a cat attack [MENACING KEYBOARD MUSIC PLAYING.]
What are they doing? - [HISSES SOFTLY.]
- Uh, sir I didn't know they came into the audience! [ENSEMBLE.]
Meow, meow Meow Meow I wonder will they do that again in the second act.
Oh! I don't know.
- What you don't know could fill a stadium.
- [ENSEMBLE.]
Meow [FLUID KEYBOARD MUSIC PLAYING.]
Meow [DEVIOUS KEYBOARD CHORDS PLAYING.]
- [DANCE MUSIC PLAYING.]
- [MIMI SQUEALS.]
I'm doing it! I'm flossing.
I'm a millennial! [LAUGHS.]
Listen up, nerds! - Hmm.
- [MUSIC STOPS.]
We all know I remind you of the hot girl from high school who made you do stuff for her, the one you vowed would one day regret it when you got rich.
Well, I don't regret it, and I have more for you to do.
- What do you need? - What's the term paper on? Sure, I'll wear a wig and sleep in your bed so your parents don't know you're seeing Good Charlotte in Tampa.
Shut up.
I have an important client coming, and he needs to believe this is my office.
I know you've all watched Entourage to see what boobs look like, so pretend that you work at a talent agency.
How 'bout you shut up, bitch? - [EMPLOYEES GASP.]
- That's perfect.
Thank you, Tyler.
Put these on.
And get rid of all this childish junk.
Mimi, grab an office.
You're an agent now.
A promotion.
I can't wait to tell Daddy's grave.
Kimmy, you're one of my clients.
Change into this.
I need all traces of Giztoob gone.
Oh, and we need tiny bottled waters.
Tinier! [TRENDY MUSIC PLAYING.]
Welcome to White Talent, Bro-hobeth Beyotch! How long you in town? Awesome.
Nobu moved.
It's an all-Hemsworth reboot of First Wives Club! No! Luke is Midler! Tripp, darling.
I was just finishing up with Olympic snowboarder Shaun White.
Dab.
Whoa, Shaun White! Radical, brah.
It's me, the Flying Tomato.
[WITH ITALIAN ACCENT.]
'Cause I'm-a Italian! I'm gonna stay over here, extremely far away.
But, dude, Jacqueline is the bomb diggity.
She's got the skills [WITH ITALIAN ACCENT.]
to make-a the bills-a! Why don't I show you my office? Gotta smell my board.
That's a spicy board.
[INDISTINCT CHATTER.]
There you are.
[PANTING.]
Well, I brought everything you asked for: your makeup kit, all your wigs, my weirdest coats.
FYI, they're covered in cat hair.
Perfect.
All right.
[DETERMINED KEYBOARD MUSIC.]
The cats had more babies And these are their babies [DRAMATIC KEYBOARD MUSIC.]
Scoot.
Scoot over.
I'll show you who belongs up on that stage.
Is all of this just to impress a 12-year-old? [CHUCKLES.]
Only 60%.
The rest is about achieving my dream.
[FUNKY KEYBOARD MUSIC PLAYING.]
I am a kitty cat My name is Turblebrop Frumbumbly is a silly cat He frumbumbles all the day Frumbumbly is so silly, in fact He dies if he doesn't get Applause And he always proves his points To Olivers [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
Shaun White just said hi to me in the elevator while I was drinking a glass of water, so we can't be the same person.
[CELL PHONE CHIMES.]
Chutes and ladders.
Zach! Remember how I was talking about getting horses and going to London? I remember everything that's ever happened to me.
It's horrible.
Well, check out this sugar.
I just got ads for flights to London and horse insurance.
What are the odds? Um, 100%? You know what we do here, right? We helped make that game, right? Nom-Nom? They made a movie based on it, and James Cordon played [WITH The code we wrote for that game lets us track and listen to our users, see what their phone cameras are seeing, and look inside their mouths.
Oral health is linked to mental health, socioeconomic status, and brand allegiance.
You're crazy and poor.
So we spy on people? No, we data mine.
This is what everything on the Internet does.
If something's free, it's probably watching you bathroom.
Not my Golden Showers app.
It gives me digi-coins.
Anyway, then we sell that data to third parties, and they tell you what to buy, how to vote, what color scrunchie to wear.
Nuh-uh! I chose this color to honor Toyotathon.
[GASPS SOFTLY.]
Dagnabbit.
I wonder if C.
H.
E.
R.
Y.
/L.
knows about this.
[C.
H.
E.
R.
Y.
/L.
.]
What's Gucci, fam? Saw you murkin' 'em on Twitch.
Why Giztoob so white? [MAN.]
You know it.
There's my girl.
Rosé all day.
Miranda Priestly.
Table fries.
Why were you talking like that? You never speak urban slang with me.
That's wick-wick-wack.
Ugh, I'm so fat.
Mani-pedis! Kristen's being a bitch.
Who's Kristen? C.
H.
E.
R.
Y.
/L.
, diagnostic mode.
[BEEPING.]
Why were you talking like that? [FLATLY.]
I am a Human Empathy Response Yuko/Lamp.
I use the Giztoob algorithm to identify the personality the user finds most reassuring.
It's called "source-code switching.
" Then why are you always drunk around me? Kimberly Cougar Schmidt responds most favorably to broken, unstable personalities like those of her birth mother, Lori-Ann, and her fellow Mole Wo I never told you any of that! This is wrong.
I don't like being manipulated or lied to.
You know what? Lamp mode, C.
H.
E.
R.
Y.
/L.
Lamp mode! [BEEPS.]
[JACQUELINE.]
Your ten-year plan ends at the 2029 Oscars, where you win the biggest applause during the In Memoriam segment.
You really think I'll live another ten years? Take that, doctors.
So are you ready to forget about [KNOCK AT DOOR.]
Knock, knock, party people.
[TRIPP.]
Eli! - [LAUGHS.]
- Eli.
Jacqueline White.
- [EXHALES.]
- So, Tripp, you ready to bounce like my client and dear friend Nicki Minaj's juicy butt? - Where are you going? - Eli's taking me to dinner.
It's a gentlemen's club/Italian steak joint called Torso's.
You make a day of it.
I thought I'd swing by and pick you up 'cause I was in the neighborhood with the star of Baby Mama.
Greg Kinnear? New friends are best friends.
- [TRIPP LAUGHS.]
- Hey, Tripp.
Listen, you gotta go with Eli.
When I met this guy, I was wasting away on E.
But he got me off the club drugs, onto Talk Soup.
Next thing you know, I'm playing the basket of rolls in the Nom-Nom movies.
And next, fingers crossed, I'm going to Broadway.
Yeah, Chekhov, Shakespeare, STOMP you like STOMP? Bang, crash, stompity-stomp! Hey! [LAUGHS.]
This is why my clients need me.
Greg, bubbe, you're not doing Broadway, okay? It doesn't pay, the schedule sucks, and the women are just body hot.
I think Lincoln shot himself so he didn't have to sit through Rent or whatever.
Eli! More like E-truth.
Well, at least I got my improv team.
You're coming to the show tomorrow, right? If I bring somebody, they'll let me use the bathroom.
Ah, no can do, GK.
Eli got us a private tour of the Statue of Liberty's vagina.
- [GREG.]
Ooh.
- Baller's gotta ball.
[BOTH.]
Oh! - That's a cherry catchphrase, E.
- Love that catchphrase.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
Eli? [DEVIOUS MUSIC.]
[SNAPS FINGERS.]
Be right back.
May I have a word? You can have two: give up.
Please.
You think I'm gonna let you walk into my office - and - [CHORTLES.]
Your office? If this is a talent agency, my girlfriend's old enough to drink.
None of these assistants are bangable, your water bottles are enormous, and that agent is clearly not talking to anybody.
- [MIMI.]
Show me the money! - [OPERATOR.]
Excuse me, ma'am.
- [MIMI.]
I see dead people! - [OPERATOR.]
Ma'am - [MIMI.]
I'll have what's she's having! - [OPERATOR.]
Ma'am, - 911 is for emergencies only.
- [MIMI.]
There's no crying in baseball! - [OPERATOR.]
Ma'am - [MIMI LAUGHS.]
My You're out of your league.
Yeah? Well, you're not the only one with a cherry catchphrase.
Sweet Jimmy McCracklins, Mama likey the sauce.
Andiamo, boys.
- Bye, Jocelyn.
- Tripp.
Jacqueline.
Mimi.
- [MIMI SHOUTING.]
- Zach, Tyler, Gabe.
Thank you all for a great visit.
[INHALES DEEPLY.]
[TRIUMPHANT KEYBOARD MUSIC.]
[ENSEMBLE.]
And that is Why they call us Cats - [TITUS.]
Cats - [ENSEMBLE HOLDS NOTE.]
- [ENSEMBLE.]
Meow! - [TITUS.]
Meow.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
[RUMBLESHANKS.]
Frumbumbly! [TITUS.]
Me? No.
[STAMMERS.]
I'm Tony Ravioli.
I'm supposed to fix the electrical pipes.
Fuggedaboutit! - [CHUCKLES.]
- [HISSES.]
[TENSE MUSIC.]
So you thought that you would go up on that stage in your homemade costume, sing a bunch of nonsense in the middle of a Broadway show? Well, good for you, 'cause you just discovered the secret of Cats! [CAST CHUCKLES.]
My kittens! The great mother cat has eaten another placenta.
A kitty is born! His name is Frumbumbly! [ALL.]
Frumbumbly! Meow, meow, meow! - Um - I know this is a shock, but do you really think that you're the first actor desperate, delusional, or narcissistic enough to think, "That should be me up there"? Are you saying Cats Doesn't exist.
It all started in 1980, when a New Haven production of Hello, Dolly! got Legionnaires' disease and didn't show up.
A disgruntled actor in the audience saw his opportunity and, shall we say, pounced.
[LAUGHS.]
Inspired by his day job as a Times Square Garfield, he delivered an impromptu two-hour monologue about cats.
He called himself Mr.
Mizzlemitts.
[CAST.]
All hail Mizzlemitts! So the whole show is made up? We just do some poppers and say whatever comes to mind.
Jellicle, Griddlebone, Mungojerrie, Jimmy McCracklins.
But I thought the show was based on some poems by T.
S.
Eliot.
And what is Eliot an anagram of? "To lie.
" Well, what about Andrew Lloyd Webber? He wrote the show.
Did he? Look carefully.
[MYSTERIOUS MUSIC.]
[TITUS.]
"Andrew Lollo Baloney.
" Ah, the mind sees what it wants to see.
Also, a lot of people can't read cursive.
So am I, like, in Cats now? - [CAST CHUCKLES.]
- To the extent that anyone is "in Cats," yes.
Welcome, Frumbumbly.
- [CAST.]
Frumbumbly! - [ALL HISS.]
I regret the name.
[CHUCKLES.]
We all regret our names, but we don't regret the Broadway credit, the applause, or the pile.
[CAST.]
Pile, pile! Pile, pile! Jellicle pile! [ALL MURMURING.]
The overhead on this place is insane.
That's why we go into the audience.
It's all kids and old people, the two demographics that drop the most stuff.
Ooh, a phone.
Nice! Rumbleshanks dines first.
And now my kitties may feast.
[EXCITED CHATTER.]
[LIVELY MUSIC.]
Cats only has one rule.
Tell no one.
No one.
[TITUS.]
Ooh.
A Life Alert.
I can finally shower with confidence.
[SIGHS.]
Why do I even have an agent? To buy you dinner once a year with your own money.
And what have you done for me lately and/or ever? A eel safety video, modeling jobs that always turn out to be the "before" picture, a PR relationship that basically ruined my life.
And today I couldn't even get you on the phone.
Well, I could've used your help! I cut a hole in the floor and got a bunch of watches so Tripp would think you were CeeLo.
Who cares about Tripp? I'm your client too, and I deserve attention, 'cause guess what.
I'm in Cats.
On Broadway.
What? No, you're not.
I'm Frumbumbly, the silliest cat.
And I got a standing ovation.
You want me to believe you were in Cats? Today? Titus, I've tried to get you an audition there.
They don't even have a casting director.
Because Cats isn't just any old play.
It's a carbucketty, jellicle, gumbie play a rumpus play for pekes and pollicles.
Oh, my God.
It's fake.
Cats is fake.
What? [CHUCKLING.]
No.
It's based on the poems of Eliot.
An anagram of "to lie.
" Andrew Lollo Baloney.
Well, that explains everything.
I took Buckley to Cats back when I was trying to make him gay, and the play made no sense.
So how does it work? Anyone can just get onstage and say whatever they want? - Yes, okay? - [GASPS.]
But it's an actors' secret, kind of like how holding in a fart makes it look like you're thinking.
[AWKWARD MUSIC.]
And at least I was out there trying to make something happen for Titus.
With Tripp around, it's like I don't even exist.
I may as well be a sasquatch.
All alone, pooping wherever I want, people trying to take my picture.
- Oh, go on, Titus.
- Oh, my God.
That's it.
I've been ignoring you because I've been so worried about losing Tripp.
And Eli has been so obsessed about poaching him that he's ignoring Titus? Fine.
Forget you.
I've got plenty of people who are obsessed with me.
[LIFE ALERT BEEPS.]
[OPERATOR.]
What is your emergency, Mrs.
Davis? Ah.
Lookin' good, Captain.
The hat is new.
[DOOR CLATTERS OPEN.]
- [SIGHS.]
- Ooh, have you seen Titus? Me and him were supposed to enter a dance competition.
What? We don't take you to everything.
No, I don't know where Titus is.
[ENSEMBLE.]
Wobblejobs and plowchops Foop, blurg, and crone - [TITUS.]
Mm! - [ENSEMBLE.]
Krang, krang, grimace Cats [QUIRKY MELODY PLAYING.]
But you were right, Lillian.
Oh, that sharks don't eat Asians? Statistics don't lie.
No.
I can't take money from Giztoob.
They're evil.
They use our phones to spy on us so they can tell us what to buy.
- [CELL PHONE BUZZES.]
- [LILLIAN GASPS.]
Why do I keep getting ads for new phones? Oh, maybe 'cause they know I'm about to do this.
Uh Ha! I could've gone to London with that money.
And my book.
I was gonna do an audio version read by Oh, well, you're doing the right thing, hon.
But I didn't.
I helped make Giztoob successful.
Bring Your Turtle to Work Day was my idea.
So was Free Turtle Day - and Turtle Burial Day.
- Oh, don't beat yourself up, kid.
But if you do, let me film it and sell it to Ginger Solo Fights.
I was the fudging head of HR! Well, you know what? Maybe Giztoob can still do some good if I make them.
Wow.
[LAUGHS.]
[CHEERY MUSIC.]
It's night.
I'll do it tomorrow.
[GREG.]
Yes! - [SCATTERED APPLAUSE.]
- Whoo! Thanks for coming out on a Wednesday at ten a.
m.
We are Zing Crosby, and I can see a few Zingheads out here.
I just need a suggestion to get started.
Anything.
Anything.
Just shout it out.
- [MAN.]
Shut up! - Shut shut up! I hear "shut up.
" And here we go.
[CHUCKLES.]
Jacqueline, what are you doing here? Poaching Eli's biggest client.
The Rock? He came? He got my wish.
No.
You.
Eli is neglecting you.
If he cared, he'd be here, six floors under a grocery store.
But he's off with his shiny new toy, Tripp Knob, because Eli only cares about the thrill of the hunt.
Well, I care about my clients.
I'm small and I'm hungry because I drank coffee as a child and I don't eat.
Well, look, I don't just dump people.
I'm still dating every woman I've ever gone out with.
This isn't about dumping anyone.
This is about saying "yes, and" to your dreams.
You wanna be on Broadway? [EXHALES.]
Do I like charitable giving? Yeah! Sign with me, and I can make it happen.
Today.
[EXCITING MUSIC AND APPLAUSE.]
[OVER-ENUNCIATING.]
Grandma's machete.
Grandma's machete is sharp.
Shave the shark, Sharon.
You ready, Greg? For an improviser, there's only now.
[HOPEFUL MUSIC.]
I am Greg Catnear There is nothing that I fear Except [SOFTLY.]
Everything [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
- [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE.]
- Whoo! A kitty is born, and his name is Greg Catnear.
[CAST.]
Greg Catnear! - Meow, meow, meow! - [LAUGHTER.]
Thank you, guys.
Hey, Titus.
After tonight, my lifetime top three: birth of my kid, seeing LMFAO live, and right now! [RUMBLESHANKS.]
Wait a minute.
You two know each other? Yeah, but [CAST HISSING.]
I didn't tell him, I-I swear.
[GREG.]
No, no, he didn't tell me anything.
I heard about all this from Jacqueline our agent.
[CAST HISSING.]
I see.
And who told her? - [DRAMATIC MUSIC.]
- [TITUS GRUNTS.]
Please, don't! I'll lick your tail, baby.
[DOOR SLAMS.]
I can't believe Jacqueline told.
Her name is probably an anagram for "bitch.
" [GIRL.]
Frumbumbly? Could I get your autograph? [GENTLE MUSIC.]
Pointy end, obviously.
It's not my first sashay around the old pen rodeo.
Thanks! I can't believe I met a real Broadway actor.
Yes.
Yes, you did.
Zach, I quit.
We've been over this.
Quit after we sell the company.
Otherwise, you get nothing.
That's where you're wrong.
You use Al Gore's rhythm to get people to buy stuff, right? Well, now you're gonna use it to sell my book.
And why would I do that? Damn it, Kimmy, you practiced this.
[CHAIR SQUEAKING.]
I bet Rapier Capital's offer might not be so generous if they knew h-what was going on around here.
[DRAMATIC MUSIC.]
A sexual harassment complaint was filed against your head of HR, an employee you allowed to investigate herself.
And that employee not only was not fired.
You convinced her not to quit just moments ago, even though her predatory behavior continues to this day.
Wiggle, wiggle, wiggle Wiggle, wiggle, wiggle [WHISPERING.]
Wiggle.
[ZACH STAMMERING.]
Ugh! Stop! I'll do whatever you want.
I want my book to get to boys who haven't been turned into creeps yet.
Innocent boys who search for the following: "boob pictures," "all the boobs ever," "naked boobs," "vagina," "naked kissing," "Hermione bathing suit.
" Is there a hyperlink I can embed for click-through? Where can people buy your book? You're also making me one of those Internet buying places.
A website? Jesus, you never should've worked here.
[TRIUMPHANT MUSIC.]
[SLOW CLAPPING.]
I didn't think you had it in you.
That's what she said.
Well, at least I signed Tripp.
How do I get him to stop telling reporters how much he misses breastfeeding? Sorry, that's your problem now.
So still think I'm out of my league? Maybe, maybe not, but you should know I don't like to lose things.
That's why when I have sex with someone for the first time, I duct tape my wallet to my back.
This isn't over.
[SNAPS FINGERS.]
'Cause a baller's gotta ball.
Yeah? Well, sweet Jimmy McCracklins, Mama don't likey the sauce.
[SIGHS HAPPILY.]
- - [TENSE MUSIC.]
- - [SHIMMERING TONES.]
The Legends of Greemulax? [PLEASANT MUSIC.]
Huh.
Kimmy! I signed an autograph! And it wasn't someone trying to trick me into joining the army.
[GASPS.]
Hey! Remember that dance competition? Me and Bradley Cooper won it! [LAUGHS.]
Look at us.
You know what's important in life? This.
No matter what happens, nothing can take away [DRAMATIC MUSICAL STING.]
What the foop is this soup? [MAN.]
Oh, like the bladder commercial.
That's funny.
Turns out, this place is just a sideways tugboat, so the city's gonna knock it down unless the owners bring it up to code or they designate this lot a shipyard.
Look, I've already been too helpful.
I work for the city.
You should've took the dirty money, Red! Why didn't you take that money? What money? [SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC.]
Jimmy McCracklins.
[ENSEMBLE.]
Wobblejobs and plowchops Foop, blurg, and crone Krang, krang, grimace Cats [QUIRKY MELODY.]
[RUMBLESHANKS.]
The cats had more babies And these are their babies [DRAMATIC KEYBOARD MUSIC.]
[TURBLEBROP.]
I am a kitty cat My name is Turblebrop [TITUS.]
Frumbumbly is a silly cat He frumbumbles all the day Frumbumbly is so silly, in fact He dies if he doesn't get Applause And he always proves his points To Olivers [ENSEMBLE.]
Meow Meow Meow Meow [RUSHING SYNTH MUSIC.]
Meow Meow [DRAMATIC MUSIC.]
- Good night, everybody! - Good night!
Now that I've got your attention, we have an announcement to make.
Zach sold the company and we're all gonna be rich! - [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
- [GABE LAUGHING.]
That's amazing! A lot of us have equity in Giztoob.
Equity, of course, is horses.
So when Zach signs those papers tomorrow, yeah, we get horses.
[FUNKY MUSIC PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS.]
Robots can't get pregnant, yo! [CIRCUITS FIZZLE.]
C.
H.
E.
R.
Y.
/L.
, everyone's worried about you.
Quit harshing my buzz.
[CIRCUITS CRACKLE.]
I feel like I'm losing you! [UPBEAT MUSIC.]
[BANKSTON.]
Unbreakable They alive, damn it It's a miracle Unbreakable They alive, damn it But females are strong as hell Unbreakable They alive, damn it It's a miracle Unbreakable They alive, damn it That's gonna be, uh you know, a fascinating transition.
[SINGERS.]
Damn it As someone who's had many past lives, I can say for certain that this life is the worst.
My former lover is betrothed to another man, Oliver.
Why did I sit here? Right now, he and Blandrew are probably tasting cakes.
Cakes.
Meanwhile, here I am on a school bus with some of the ugliest kids I have ever met! And where am I taking you? To the theater to sit with the no-talents and watch people live my dream at me.
You think you should be in Cats? On Broadway? Yes, on Broadway.
I'd make a great cat.
I nap most of the day, I look cute in a cardboard box, I hate taking baths, and most of my enemies are birds.
You also have to be able to sing and act and stuff.
I am a triple threat.
I can sing, I can dance, and I found a gun.
[HAUGHTY MUSIC.]
[GASPS.]
Tripp, darling! Kiss, kiss.
Mwah.
[EXHALES.]
Surprised you even recognized me, what with my new look.
If you were an aquarium security guard, do you think you would know it was me? Well, I'm so glad you're back in town.
Is everything okay with the apartment? A bunch of your underwear broke because someone tried to put it on a cooked turkey.
Well, let me know if you want to extend the lease.
I just want you to be happy, and I don't mind staying at, um, my place in the Hamptons.
[BIRDS CHIRP, CAR HORN BLARES.]
Morning! I'm so glad you could stay with me.
Roomies! Mm, the street sweeper's coming.
I'm gonna take a shower.
[STREET SWEEPER RUMBLING.]
I'm only in town for a couple of days.
You know, I just gotta fire my agent - and get back to LA.
- [CHUCKLES.]
Wait.
What? LA.
It means "Los Angle-es.
" It's so awesome there.
I've already started, like, four wildfires.
No, I mean the part about you firing your agent.
Are you firing me? Look, I met Eli Rubin at Drake's bris Eli Rubin? From UTI? Yeah, I guess.
Anyway, he really wants me.
No homo.
Tripp, I discovered you.
I got you your first job.
I'm the one who convinced them to make you the new Trivago guy.
Do you need a hotel, like, now? Maybe one that's in walking distance from your house? You lead a complicated life, and everyone's giving you shit.
Trivago! I know, Jacqueline, but Eli's got, like, a whole plan for me.
And so do I! You come by the office later and let me dazzle you.
You owe me that much.
Oh, fine.
Oh, great.
The menu's in cursive.
I can't read this! [LAUGHS.]
Wonderful.
[DANCE MUSIC PLAYING.]
Whoa, Zach's got moves.
I'm not dancing.
Someone get my EpiPen.
[GRUNTS.]
Was someone here touching a squirrel? When I get my payout, I'm gonna use my money to kill all the squirrels.
I'm gonna do that thing Elon Musk did where you get weird-looking and date a street child.
I'm gonna see the world.
London, Africa, Australia, where the toilets go the other way right up to the ceiling.
Also, I'm gonna self-publish my book.
You'd like it, Zach.
It's got a magical trolley that can also be a plane or a boat.
Trolleys don't do that.
Your book is wrong.
And I'm gonna advertise it on Saturday morning cartoons.
Kimmy's book, take a look Everyone, it's Kimmy's book "Whoa! Cool book, man.
" "It's Kimmy's book.
And it talks.
" Kimmy's book available now.
Actual book does not talk.
You're gonna advertise on TV? The thing that babysits my grandma? - Sure.
- Hey, hey, Red.
Listen, I gotta borrow some stamps.
I'm sending de Blasio a box of mouse skulls for reasons that I have forgotten.
Aren't you gonna ask why we're having a party? This is a party? [LAUGHS.]
Where's the gimp? Oh.
If you have to ask where the gimp is, it's you.
Well, the reason there's a party is 'cause Zach's selling the company.
Rapier Capital is buying us, and we're all gonna be rich.
Yeah, but what does this place even do? Oh, you know Internet? Oh, boy.
Everybody wants money for nothing now.
Back in my day, you learned a trade.
You were a bricklayer or a garment worker or a prostitute.
Lillian, I'm taking the money.
I've already picked out a horse's name: Horse-o the Giant Dog.
Don't do it, Red.
There is no respectable way to get rich out of nowhere except a lottery fix.
[GUFFAWS.]
Let's get some stamps.
[DRAMATIC KEYBOARD MUSIC PLAYING.]
[ALL.]
Meow, meow, meow Meow, meow, now We're not dogs We're cats - Bet you couldn't do that.
- Bet me what? Your lame shirt? I could be a cat.
My tongue is scratchy, Japanese people are obsessed with me, and I'm always on a couch or hiding in a deli.
Easy to say, just sitting there.
[JAUNTY KEYBOARD MUSIC PLAYING.]
I'm Rumbleshanks The oldest cat I'm St.
Jellorica The most delicate cat [ENSEMBLE.]
The tinkliest, finkliest Minkliest cat Cats, cats, cats So many cats So many cats, it's a cat attack [MENACING KEYBOARD MUSIC PLAYING.]
What are they doing? - [HISSES SOFTLY.]
- Uh, sir I didn't know they came into the audience! [ENSEMBLE.]
Meow, meow Meow Meow I wonder will they do that again in the second act.
Oh! I don't know.
- What you don't know could fill a stadium.
- [ENSEMBLE.]
Meow [FLUID KEYBOARD MUSIC PLAYING.]
Meow [DEVIOUS KEYBOARD CHORDS PLAYING.]
- [DANCE MUSIC PLAYING.]
- [MIMI SQUEALS.]
I'm doing it! I'm flossing.
I'm a millennial! [LAUGHS.]
Listen up, nerds! - Hmm.
- [MUSIC STOPS.]
We all know I remind you of the hot girl from high school who made you do stuff for her, the one you vowed would one day regret it when you got rich.
Well, I don't regret it, and I have more for you to do.
- What do you need? - What's the term paper on? Sure, I'll wear a wig and sleep in your bed so your parents don't know you're seeing Good Charlotte in Tampa.
Shut up.
I have an important client coming, and he needs to believe this is my office.
I know you've all watched Entourage to see what boobs look like, so pretend that you work at a talent agency.
How 'bout you shut up, bitch? - [EMPLOYEES GASP.]
- That's perfect.
Thank you, Tyler.
Put these on.
And get rid of all this childish junk.
Mimi, grab an office.
You're an agent now.
A promotion.
I can't wait to tell Daddy's grave.
Kimmy, you're one of my clients.
Change into this.
I need all traces of Giztoob gone.
Oh, and we need tiny bottled waters.
Tinier! [TRENDY MUSIC PLAYING.]
Welcome to White Talent, Bro-hobeth Beyotch! How long you in town? Awesome.
Nobu moved.
It's an all-Hemsworth reboot of First Wives Club! No! Luke is Midler! Tripp, darling.
I was just finishing up with Olympic snowboarder Shaun White.
Dab.
Whoa, Shaun White! Radical, brah.
It's me, the Flying Tomato.
[WITH ITALIAN ACCENT.]
'Cause I'm-a Italian! I'm gonna stay over here, extremely far away.
But, dude, Jacqueline is the bomb diggity.
She's got the skills [WITH ITALIAN ACCENT.]
to make-a the bills-a! Why don't I show you my office? Gotta smell my board.
That's a spicy board.
[INDISTINCT CHATTER.]
There you are.
[PANTING.]
Well, I brought everything you asked for: your makeup kit, all your wigs, my weirdest coats.
FYI, they're covered in cat hair.
Perfect.
All right.
[DETERMINED KEYBOARD MUSIC.]
The cats had more babies And these are their babies [DRAMATIC KEYBOARD MUSIC.]
Scoot.
Scoot over.
I'll show you who belongs up on that stage.
Is all of this just to impress a 12-year-old? [CHUCKLES.]
Only 60%.
The rest is about achieving my dream.
[FUNKY KEYBOARD MUSIC PLAYING.]
I am a kitty cat My name is Turblebrop Frumbumbly is a silly cat He frumbumbles all the day Frumbumbly is so silly, in fact He dies if he doesn't get Applause And he always proves his points To Olivers [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
Shaun White just said hi to me in the elevator while I was drinking a glass of water, so we can't be the same person.
[CELL PHONE CHIMES.]
Chutes and ladders.
Zach! Remember how I was talking about getting horses and going to London? I remember everything that's ever happened to me.
It's horrible.
Well, check out this sugar.
I just got ads for flights to London and horse insurance.
What are the odds? Um, 100%? You know what we do here, right? We helped make that game, right? Nom-Nom? They made a movie based on it, and James Cordon played [WITH The code we wrote for that game lets us track and listen to our users, see what their phone cameras are seeing, and look inside their mouths.
Oral health is linked to mental health, socioeconomic status, and brand allegiance.
You're crazy and poor.
So we spy on people? No, we data mine.
This is what everything on the Internet does.
If something's free, it's probably watching you bathroom.
Not my Golden Showers app.
It gives me digi-coins.
Anyway, then we sell that data to third parties, and they tell you what to buy, how to vote, what color scrunchie to wear.
Nuh-uh! I chose this color to honor Toyotathon.
[GASPS SOFTLY.]
Dagnabbit.
I wonder if C.
H.
E.
R.
Y.
/L.
knows about this.
[C.
H.
E.
R.
Y.
/L.
.]
What's Gucci, fam? Saw you murkin' 'em on Twitch.
Why Giztoob so white? [MAN.]
You know it.
There's my girl.
Rosé all day.
Miranda Priestly.
Table fries.
Why were you talking like that? You never speak urban slang with me.
That's wick-wick-wack.
Ugh, I'm so fat.
Mani-pedis! Kristen's being a bitch.
Who's Kristen? C.
H.
E.
R.
Y.
/L.
, diagnostic mode.
[BEEPING.]
Why were you talking like that? [FLATLY.]
I am a Human Empathy Response Yuko/Lamp.
I use the Giztoob algorithm to identify the personality the user finds most reassuring.
It's called "source-code switching.
" Then why are you always drunk around me? Kimberly Cougar Schmidt responds most favorably to broken, unstable personalities like those of her birth mother, Lori-Ann, and her fellow Mole Wo I never told you any of that! This is wrong.
I don't like being manipulated or lied to.
You know what? Lamp mode, C.
H.
E.
R.
Y.
/L.
Lamp mode! [BEEPS.]
[JACQUELINE.]
Your ten-year plan ends at the 2029 Oscars, where you win the biggest applause during the In Memoriam segment.
You really think I'll live another ten years? Take that, doctors.
So are you ready to forget about [KNOCK AT DOOR.]
Knock, knock, party people.
[TRIPP.]
Eli! - [LAUGHS.]
- Eli.
Jacqueline White.
- [EXHALES.]
- So, Tripp, you ready to bounce like my client and dear friend Nicki Minaj's juicy butt? - Where are you going? - Eli's taking me to dinner.
It's a gentlemen's club/Italian steak joint called Torso's.
You make a day of it.
I thought I'd swing by and pick you up 'cause I was in the neighborhood with the star of Baby Mama.
Greg Kinnear? New friends are best friends.
- [TRIPP LAUGHS.]
- Hey, Tripp.
Listen, you gotta go with Eli.
When I met this guy, I was wasting away on E.
But he got me off the club drugs, onto Talk Soup.
Next thing you know, I'm playing the basket of rolls in the Nom-Nom movies.
And next, fingers crossed, I'm going to Broadway.
Yeah, Chekhov, Shakespeare, STOMP you like STOMP? Bang, crash, stompity-stomp! Hey! [LAUGHS.]
This is why my clients need me.
Greg, bubbe, you're not doing Broadway, okay? It doesn't pay, the schedule sucks, and the women are just body hot.
I think Lincoln shot himself so he didn't have to sit through Rent or whatever.
Eli! More like E-truth.
Well, at least I got my improv team.
You're coming to the show tomorrow, right? If I bring somebody, they'll let me use the bathroom.
Ah, no can do, GK.
Eli got us a private tour of the Statue of Liberty's vagina.
- [GREG.]
Ooh.
- Baller's gotta ball.
[BOTH.]
Oh! - That's a cherry catchphrase, E.
- Love that catchphrase.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
Eli? [DEVIOUS MUSIC.]
[SNAPS FINGERS.]
Be right back.
May I have a word? You can have two: give up.
Please.
You think I'm gonna let you walk into my office - and - [CHORTLES.]
Your office? If this is a talent agency, my girlfriend's old enough to drink.
None of these assistants are bangable, your water bottles are enormous, and that agent is clearly not talking to anybody.
- [MIMI.]
Show me the money! - [OPERATOR.]
Excuse me, ma'am.
- [MIMI.]
I see dead people! - [OPERATOR.]
Ma'am - [MIMI.]
I'll have what's she's having! - [OPERATOR.]
Ma'am, - 911 is for emergencies only.
- [MIMI.]
There's no crying in baseball! - [OPERATOR.]
Ma'am - [MIMI LAUGHS.]
My You're out of your league.
Yeah? Well, you're not the only one with a cherry catchphrase.
Sweet Jimmy McCracklins, Mama likey the sauce.
Andiamo, boys.
- Bye, Jocelyn.
- Tripp.
Jacqueline.
Mimi.
- [MIMI SHOUTING.]
- Zach, Tyler, Gabe.
Thank you all for a great visit.
[INHALES DEEPLY.]
[TRIUMPHANT KEYBOARD MUSIC.]
[ENSEMBLE.]
And that is Why they call us Cats - [TITUS.]
Cats - [ENSEMBLE HOLDS NOTE.]
- [ENSEMBLE.]
Meow! - [TITUS.]
Meow.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
[RUMBLESHANKS.]
Frumbumbly! [TITUS.]
Me? No.
[STAMMERS.]
I'm Tony Ravioli.
I'm supposed to fix the electrical pipes.
Fuggedaboutit! - [CHUCKLES.]
- [HISSES.]
[TENSE MUSIC.]
So you thought that you would go up on that stage in your homemade costume, sing a bunch of nonsense in the middle of a Broadway show? Well, good for you, 'cause you just discovered the secret of Cats! [CAST CHUCKLES.]
My kittens! The great mother cat has eaten another placenta.
A kitty is born! His name is Frumbumbly! [ALL.]
Frumbumbly! Meow, meow, meow! - Um - I know this is a shock, but do you really think that you're the first actor desperate, delusional, or narcissistic enough to think, "That should be me up there"? Are you saying Cats Doesn't exist.
It all started in 1980, when a New Haven production of Hello, Dolly! got Legionnaires' disease and didn't show up.
A disgruntled actor in the audience saw his opportunity and, shall we say, pounced.
[LAUGHS.]
Inspired by his day job as a Times Square Garfield, he delivered an impromptu two-hour monologue about cats.
He called himself Mr.
Mizzlemitts.
[CAST.]
All hail Mizzlemitts! So the whole show is made up? We just do some poppers and say whatever comes to mind.
Jellicle, Griddlebone, Mungojerrie, Jimmy McCracklins.
But I thought the show was based on some poems by T.
S.
Eliot.
And what is Eliot an anagram of? "To lie.
" Well, what about Andrew Lloyd Webber? He wrote the show.
Did he? Look carefully.
[MYSTERIOUS MUSIC.]
[TITUS.]
"Andrew Lollo Baloney.
" Ah, the mind sees what it wants to see.
Also, a lot of people can't read cursive.
So am I, like, in Cats now? - [CAST CHUCKLES.]
- To the extent that anyone is "in Cats," yes.
Welcome, Frumbumbly.
- [CAST.]
Frumbumbly! - [ALL HISS.]
I regret the name.
[CHUCKLES.]
We all regret our names, but we don't regret the Broadway credit, the applause, or the pile.
[CAST.]
Pile, pile! Pile, pile! Jellicle pile! [ALL MURMURING.]
The overhead on this place is insane.
That's why we go into the audience.
It's all kids and old people, the two demographics that drop the most stuff.
Ooh, a phone.
Nice! Rumbleshanks dines first.
And now my kitties may feast.
[EXCITED CHATTER.]
[LIVELY MUSIC.]
Cats only has one rule.
Tell no one.
No one.
[TITUS.]
Ooh.
A Life Alert.
I can finally shower with confidence.
[SIGHS.]
Why do I even have an agent? To buy you dinner once a year with your own money.
And what have you done for me lately and/or ever? A eel safety video, modeling jobs that always turn out to be the "before" picture, a PR relationship that basically ruined my life.
And today I couldn't even get you on the phone.
Well, I could've used your help! I cut a hole in the floor and got a bunch of watches so Tripp would think you were CeeLo.
Who cares about Tripp? I'm your client too, and I deserve attention, 'cause guess what.
I'm in Cats.
On Broadway.
What? No, you're not.
I'm Frumbumbly, the silliest cat.
And I got a standing ovation.
You want me to believe you were in Cats? Today? Titus, I've tried to get you an audition there.
They don't even have a casting director.
Because Cats isn't just any old play.
It's a carbucketty, jellicle, gumbie play a rumpus play for pekes and pollicles.
Oh, my God.
It's fake.
Cats is fake.
What? [CHUCKLING.]
No.
It's based on the poems of Eliot.
An anagram of "to lie.
" Andrew Lollo Baloney.
Well, that explains everything.
I took Buckley to Cats back when I was trying to make him gay, and the play made no sense.
So how does it work? Anyone can just get onstage and say whatever they want? - Yes, okay? - [GASPS.]
But it's an actors' secret, kind of like how holding in a fart makes it look like you're thinking.
[AWKWARD MUSIC.]
And at least I was out there trying to make something happen for Titus.
With Tripp around, it's like I don't even exist.
I may as well be a sasquatch.
All alone, pooping wherever I want, people trying to take my picture.
- Oh, go on, Titus.
- Oh, my God.
That's it.
I've been ignoring you because I've been so worried about losing Tripp.
And Eli has been so obsessed about poaching him that he's ignoring Titus? Fine.
Forget you.
I've got plenty of people who are obsessed with me.
[LIFE ALERT BEEPS.]
[OPERATOR.]
What is your emergency, Mrs.
Davis? Ah.
Lookin' good, Captain.
The hat is new.
[DOOR CLATTERS OPEN.]
- [SIGHS.]
- Ooh, have you seen Titus? Me and him were supposed to enter a dance competition.
What? We don't take you to everything.
No, I don't know where Titus is.
[ENSEMBLE.]
Wobblejobs and plowchops Foop, blurg, and crone - [TITUS.]
Mm! - [ENSEMBLE.]
Krang, krang, grimace Cats [QUIRKY MELODY PLAYING.]
But you were right, Lillian.
Oh, that sharks don't eat Asians? Statistics don't lie.
No.
I can't take money from Giztoob.
They're evil.
They use our phones to spy on us so they can tell us what to buy.
- [CELL PHONE BUZZES.]
- [LILLIAN GASPS.]
Why do I keep getting ads for new phones? Oh, maybe 'cause they know I'm about to do this.
Uh Ha! I could've gone to London with that money.
And my book.
I was gonna do an audio version read by Oh, well, you're doing the right thing, hon.
But I didn't.
I helped make Giztoob successful.
Bring Your Turtle to Work Day was my idea.
So was Free Turtle Day - and Turtle Burial Day.
- Oh, don't beat yourself up, kid.
But if you do, let me film it and sell it to Ginger Solo Fights.
I was the fudging head of HR! Well, you know what? Maybe Giztoob can still do some good if I make them.
Wow.
[LAUGHS.]
[CHEERY MUSIC.]
It's night.
I'll do it tomorrow.
[GREG.]
Yes! - [SCATTERED APPLAUSE.]
- Whoo! Thanks for coming out on a Wednesday at ten a.
m.
We are Zing Crosby, and I can see a few Zingheads out here.
I just need a suggestion to get started.
Anything.
Anything.
Just shout it out.
- [MAN.]
Shut up! - Shut shut up! I hear "shut up.
" And here we go.
[CHUCKLES.]
Jacqueline, what are you doing here? Poaching Eli's biggest client.
The Rock? He came? He got my wish.
No.
You.
Eli is neglecting you.
If he cared, he'd be here, six floors under a grocery store.
But he's off with his shiny new toy, Tripp Knob, because Eli only cares about the thrill of the hunt.
Well, I care about my clients.
I'm small and I'm hungry because I drank coffee as a child and I don't eat.
Well, look, I don't just dump people.
I'm still dating every woman I've ever gone out with.
This isn't about dumping anyone.
This is about saying "yes, and" to your dreams.
You wanna be on Broadway? [EXHALES.]
Do I like charitable giving? Yeah! Sign with me, and I can make it happen.
Today.
[EXCITING MUSIC AND APPLAUSE.]
[OVER-ENUNCIATING.]
Grandma's machete.
Grandma's machete is sharp.
Shave the shark, Sharon.
You ready, Greg? For an improviser, there's only now.
[HOPEFUL MUSIC.]
I am Greg Catnear There is nothing that I fear Except [SOFTLY.]
Everything [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
- [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE.]
- Whoo! A kitty is born, and his name is Greg Catnear.
[CAST.]
Greg Catnear! - Meow, meow, meow! - [LAUGHTER.]
Thank you, guys.
Hey, Titus.
After tonight, my lifetime top three: birth of my kid, seeing LMFAO live, and right now! [RUMBLESHANKS.]
Wait a minute.
You two know each other? Yeah, but [CAST HISSING.]
I didn't tell him, I-I swear.
[GREG.]
No, no, he didn't tell me anything.
I heard about all this from Jacqueline our agent.
[CAST HISSING.]
I see.
And who told her? - [DRAMATIC MUSIC.]
- [TITUS GRUNTS.]
Please, don't! I'll lick your tail, baby.
[DOOR SLAMS.]
I can't believe Jacqueline told.
Her name is probably an anagram for "bitch.
" [GIRL.]
Frumbumbly? Could I get your autograph? [GENTLE MUSIC.]
Pointy end, obviously.
It's not my first sashay around the old pen rodeo.
Thanks! I can't believe I met a real Broadway actor.
Yes.
Yes, you did.
Zach, I quit.
We've been over this.
Quit after we sell the company.
Otherwise, you get nothing.
That's where you're wrong.
You use Al Gore's rhythm to get people to buy stuff, right? Well, now you're gonna use it to sell my book.
And why would I do that? Damn it, Kimmy, you practiced this.
[CHAIR SQUEAKING.]
I bet Rapier Capital's offer might not be so generous if they knew h-what was going on around here.
[DRAMATIC MUSIC.]
A sexual harassment complaint was filed against your head of HR, an employee you allowed to investigate herself.
And that employee not only was not fired.
You convinced her not to quit just moments ago, even though her predatory behavior continues to this day.
Wiggle, wiggle, wiggle Wiggle, wiggle, wiggle [WHISPERING.]
Wiggle.
[ZACH STAMMERING.]
Ugh! Stop! I'll do whatever you want.
I want my book to get to boys who haven't been turned into creeps yet.
Innocent boys who search for the following: "boob pictures," "all the boobs ever," "naked boobs," "vagina," "naked kissing," "Hermione bathing suit.
" Is there a hyperlink I can embed for click-through? Where can people buy your book? You're also making me one of those Internet buying places.
A website? Jesus, you never should've worked here.
[TRIUMPHANT MUSIC.]
[SLOW CLAPPING.]
I didn't think you had it in you.
That's what she said.
Well, at least I signed Tripp.
How do I get him to stop telling reporters how much he misses breastfeeding? Sorry, that's your problem now.
So still think I'm out of my league? Maybe, maybe not, but you should know I don't like to lose things.
That's why when I have sex with someone for the first time, I duct tape my wallet to my back.
This isn't over.
[SNAPS FINGERS.]
'Cause a baller's gotta ball.
Yeah? Well, sweet Jimmy McCracklins, Mama don't likey the sauce.
[SIGHS HAPPILY.]
- - [TENSE MUSIC.]
- - [SHIMMERING TONES.]
The Legends of Greemulax? [PLEASANT MUSIC.]
Huh.
Kimmy! I signed an autograph! And it wasn't someone trying to trick me into joining the army.
[GASPS.]
Hey! Remember that dance competition? Me and Bradley Cooper won it! [LAUGHS.]
Look at us.
You know what's important in life? This.
No matter what happens, nothing can take away [DRAMATIC MUSICAL STING.]
What the foop is this soup? [MAN.]
Oh, like the bladder commercial.
That's funny.
Turns out, this place is just a sideways tugboat, so the city's gonna knock it down unless the owners bring it up to code or they designate this lot a shipyard.
Look, I've already been too helpful.
I work for the city.
You should've took the dirty money, Red! Why didn't you take that money? What money? [SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC.]
Jimmy McCracklins.
[ENSEMBLE.]
Wobblejobs and plowchops Foop, blurg, and crone Krang, krang, grimace Cats [QUIRKY MELODY.]
[RUMBLESHANKS.]
The cats had more babies And these are their babies [DRAMATIC KEYBOARD MUSIC.]
[TURBLEBROP.]
I am a kitty cat My name is Turblebrop [TITUS.]
Frumbumbly is a silly cat He frumbumbles all the day Frumbumbly is so silly, in fact He dies if he doesn't get Applause And he always proves his points To Olivers [ENSEMBLE.]
Meow Meow Meow Meow [RUSHING SYNTH MUSIC.]
Meow Meow [DRAMATIC MUSIC.]
- Good night, everybody! - Good night!