Uncoupled (2022) s01e05 Episode Script

Chapter 5

[upbeat jazzy music playing]
- [Michael] Oh! Oh God!
- Oh my God. Um
[Michael] I am so sorry.
Are you all right?
No, no, no, no, it's fine.
- Um
- [Michael] That was totally me.
[upbeat music playing]
[both moaning softly]
Don't you just love living in New York?
Grocery shopping one minute.
Hooking up with a hot guy the next.
[moaning continues]
- Condoms?
- [chuckles]
Are you kidding? Nobody wears condoms now.
- What?
- Yeah.
- Where have you been?
- A long-term relationship that just ended.
The last time I had sex with a stranger,
I was gloved up and layered.
My dick looked like Annie Hall.
Who? Anyway, it's a new world now.
There's PrEP.
There's post-exposure medications.
We've given condoms and network TV
back to the straight people,
where they belong.
Right, but what about chlamydia,
and herpes, and warts,
and all the other things I read about
waiting for my flu shot.
You're a real glass-half-empty guy,
aren't you?
Just chill, man.
How? I have been careful for 17 years,
and you clearly do this all the time.
- Mm.
- Picking up strangers,
and fucking without condoms.
So you can forget about barebacking.
I can't get turned on when all I can see
is my name on that quilt.
- What quilt?
- Oh my God, you millennials!
Don't you know where we came from?
Where you got your freedoms?
Don't you know what people like me
Well, not me, a little bit older.
But I've seen Angels.
Don't you know what we sacrificed for you?
You know what I do know, Gandalf?
You may be hot,
but you're one bitter old queen.
[theme music playing]
He called me a bitter old queen.
Can you believe that?
Everyone looks old in a grocery store.
That overhead lighting.
Pro tip. Wear a pink shirt
for some bounce.
- I assume you met in the meat department.
- [Michael] Ha ha.
This is what I've become.
This is what Colin has done to me.
Well, Colin and time.
But come on, don't I have a right
to be a little bitter?
Yeah. But you're angry at the whole world.
The whole world didn't dump you.
If we could change the perennial subject,
I wanna show you guys something.
Go ahead, swipe until you
get to the picture of my mother
and her new cat, Wilhelm Munsch.
The '70s gay illustrator from Berlin.
It's my new show at the gallery.
I'm gonna put him on the map.
Kind of looks
like old Tom of Finland stuff?
Mustache. The leather cap.
Oh! More graphic than Tom.
This is what we do in the art world.
Before Warhol, soup cans
were just soup cans.
The one on that guy
actually looks like a soup can.
All my biggest buyers are coming.
And Irwin Stossel is going to freak
when he sees this.
His entire collection
is focused on gay art, and
you can't get gayer than this.
And it's not just vintage stuff.
These, he did last year.
To stay modern. See what that guy's
doing with his iPhone?
Isn't the human anatomy amazing?
No condoms here either.
- Has the whole world gone crazy?
- [phone alert]
I'm s
It's my dad.
I gotta get back to work anyway.
I'll see you guys later.
Jesus, this day!
[upbeat music playing]
- You wanna fix me up with who?
- Dr. Gibson. My dermatologist.
I thought you were rooting
for Colin and me to get back together.
Well, yeah, we were hoping, but
You know, even the greatest athlete
knows when it's time to leave the field.
Well, I'm thrilled that you were able
to heal and move on, Dad, but I
You know what, never mind. I gotta go.
I [sighs]
Man, you're comin' in hot.
My dad wants to fix me up.
Apparently, I'm supposed to be over this.
[sighs] That Ben. So sweet.
What do you think of this underwear?
Do you really need
a pouch that big for your penis?
They're for Kai.
He doesn't like to be confined.
You buy underwear for your son?
I just went over the Claire Lewis file.
Why is the escrow 45 days? That pushes
our commission into the next quarter.
We had to extend two weeks.
Our buyers needed a little extra time
to finesse the co-op board.
It's one of those trickier buildings.
That sounds like a you problem,
not a Raffi problem.
Are you kidding
with the Monday morning quarterbacking?
We got the listing. We got the sale.
I'm sorry if our huge commission
comes in two weeks too late
to make you look like a star.
Excuse me?
Are we done?
Because Suzanne and I have work to do.
Only if you're done, though.
Oh, I'm done.
If this doesn't close,
we'll have a different conversation.
And you won't be the one yelling.
Jesus, Michael!
This isn't like you. You yelled at him
and used a sports metaphor?
I know he clocked it too,
'cause a lot of his fur was standin' up.
What is goin' on?
Colin is what's going on.
He just dumped me out
into this dating world I hate.
So yes, I'm angry,
and it's not going away.
This is crazy, but Mia
You know my friend Mia.
The one with the 3D temple veins?
Not anymore.
She got rid of her rage with a healer.
She's a different person now.
Are you serious?
You want me to go see some guru?
I'm gonna try it. You think you're
the only one with relationship issues?
You? You're always dating.
Eh, some of them are okay,
but nobody really gets me goin'. You know?
It's like a pile of autumn leaves
down there. So, you free tonight?
[bell rings]
[gentle New Age music playing]
[bell rings]
And now, present and awake,
we turn to healing.
Michael Lawson, please come forward.
Seriously? Why do I have to go first?
Come with me.
- No. Just try to be open. Go, go, go, go!
- I [sighs]
[whispers] Hi.
Take a seat.
And why have you sought my help, Michael?
My boyfriend left me,
and I'm a little angry about it.
Which, of course, is natural, right?
Everything is natural.
That's what natural means.
Are you ready to go to the first level?
[grunts] What's happening?
That's one.
I don't feel any different.
We have only begun.
The journey takes time.
Oh, the journey takes time.
And I'm guessing
you have to buy a package.
Are you ready to go to level two?
Uh, okay.
That's two.
That's three. That's four.
- That's
- That's 12
[rhythmic music playing]
13, 14, 15.
[music begins to fade]
- That's 16.
- Okay.
[sighs] All right.
[sighs] There you go.
That's it? I'm done?
Do you think you're done?
Well, I fell asleep around level ten,
but yeah, sure, I'm done.
It was
Oh! Don't forget your T-shirt.
Now do me!
I'm next.
Four hundred dollars.
That's a cut and color.
I'm madder now than when I went in.
Are you ready not to care? There, healed!
What did he whisper to you, anyway?
Oh, he told me if I wanted
to have a fulfilling relationship,
I had to get the man out of my bed.
What man? What man?
That's the whole point. There is no man.
Metaphorical man. Metaphorical bed.
- Fuckin' Mia.
- [Michael scoffs]
- I bet she gets a kickback.
- Pfft.
[plucked string music playing]
[sighs deeply]
- [tires screech, horn blares]
- Guy, come on, wake up!
- Open your eyes!
- [laughs]
Hey, how's it goin'? Nice to see you.
Wow! What do you got goin' on here?
Nice. Good to see you too.
- [Stanley] Michael?
- Look at this.
[gasps] Hi!
Beautiful day, isn't it?
This city is so alive.
The car honks, the buses, the crazies.
It's like a symphony.
And did you ever notice the pavement
sparkles here? What is that, quartz?
Oh no, you're so happy.
Like one of those people
who just decided to kill themselves.
No, Stanley. I had an experience.
I woke up this morning, and get this,
I was awake for 36 minutes
before I once thought of Colin.
Thirty-six minutes!
He's, like, gone. He's not in me anymore.
He is out there in this beautiful world,
having his own adventure.
That's good?
Uh, it's a miracle.
- [sighs]
- He only crossed my mind
when I saw a magazine addressed to him.
Psychology Today. He's a new subscriber.
Isn't that sad?
Because clearly, he's suffering,
and that must have been going on
for a long time before
- What's happening here?
- And all I feel is compassion. Not anger.
He must have been so lonely,
and he hid that from me.
That, along with all the moving boxes
and packing tape.
I know! [gasps]
Poor Colin. You've gotta be
in such enormous pain to behave that way.
- [sobs]
- Are you crying for Colin?
I'm crying for both of us.
And now that I have, I feel like this
weight has lifted off me, and I'm free.
I'm open. And the world
has already responded.
I got one of my clients to make an offer
- on that one-bedroom in Chelsea.
- [phone alert]
And you know that
that only happened because
Josh Gibson. The dermatologist
my dad's trying to set me up with.
- I don't trust the universe that much.
- Do you trust Google?
I'm not sure being pimped out by your dad
isn't the greatest idea of all time!
Oh my God!
See what happens when you're open?
- [laughs]
- [gasps]
- Oh, we're gonna hug again.
- Aw!
Permanent vacation ♪
Ben is one of my favorites,
so I figured I'd like his son.
He's a problem-solver.
He wants me to get out there.
You don't seem like much of a problem.
Anyway, he didn't really
talk about you very much.
He, uh he just looked at me and he said,
"Do you have love in your life?"
- Please tell me you're joking.
- It was really sweet.
And very brave,
considering I had a scalpel in my hand.
Then I said,
"No, not at the moment, but I'm open."
And then he suggested you,
which was a huge relief,
considering he's not exactly my type.
I'm incredibly grateful
I take after my mom.
Not that I love dating.
There are a lot of weird guys out there.
Oh my God. I know. It's crazy now.
This guy the other night wanted
to have sex with me without a condom.
Not how I was raised.
Well, not that my parents
ever actually talked to me about sex.
They'd just tune the clock radio
to Dr. Ruth. [chuckles]
Mm. I miss clock radios.
So now I don't date anyone under 40.
Which may mean that we are not a match?
[gasps] I'm both flattered
and extremely worried that you operate
on my dad with such poor eyesight.
Well, this has been fun.
What next?
Oh, uh, listen, I like you a lot.
I've been having fun as well.
But I'm not ready
to have sex on a first date.
Oh! You
You you thought that we were
gonna have sex tonight?
Uh, no, I've been eating pasta.
I meant dessert.
Oh, thank God.
- [laughs]
- Let's order all the desserts.
- Yes!
I opened myself up to the world,
and the world delivered this beautiful
dermatologist, and it just clicked.
It's so easy for you gay guys.
The wedding announcements
in The New York Times?
Not a vagina or veil in sight.
If you don't count lesbians, which I do,
since that's where I'm heading.
And he's a grown-up.
He's accompanying me to Stanley's opening
tonight. Great, right?
Mm. Hooray.
Fucking healer. Where's my hot doctor?
Oh, I think we let this broker suffer
long enough.
Right, yeah.
Hey, Richard, look, I've been wrestling
with my buyer for the last half hour.
No, wait, stop. Don't pull the offer.
Just give me one minute, please!
I keep telling her it's a great deal
for a one-bedroom.
I think she'll come up to your seller's
number if you guys cover closing costs.
[muffled squeaking] No, no, no!
Sorry, Richard, she's pushing back.
Should I tell her no deal,
then you tell your clients to take
their chances in this market and wait?
Absolutely. Good call, Richard. Thank you.
- He folded. We closed!
- Ah!
- [laughs]
- Whoo!
First Claire's penthouse,
and now this sweet one-bedroom?
We are back, Suzanne!
No, you're back.
I'm still waitin' on my miracle cure.
Come to Stanley's opening.
- You could meet someone.
- No.
I'm staying in.
Other people's happiness is very tiring.
Seriously, your dates ask you
for free exams?
All the time. Before, during, and after.
- Some guys get dick pics. I get moles.
- Oh!
When Apple sends me my "On This Day"
photo, it is always horrifying.
[laughs] Well, thank you for doing this.
It's, uh it's for a famous German artist
named Wilhelm Munsch.
Ah. Great. I love looking at art.
I get tired of tea dances and raves.
I mean, not everything
has to be so gay, gay, gay
- We don't have to stay long.
- [laughs]
Hey ♪
Welcome to Butt Munsch.
You must be the doctor.
I'm Stanley. This is Billy.
We could use a dermatologist friend.
Stanley's got more tags than a yard sale.
- Ah! Any time.
- Loving the '70s vibe.
It's 1978, the year
of his first appearance
in Berlin's premier gay periodical,
Das Butt.
I even turned the loading dock
into a back room.
But people are shy.
Please, have sex there.
Oh, I think we're good.
Ooh! Here's Willie. Welcome!
We were just saying
how beautiful everything looks.
- Yeah, it's Whew!
- Yes. Very, um vivid. Very
- Bzz, bzz
- Stirring.
How kind. Between you and me,
this is not even my best stuff.
Look at that one, Friedrich.
That model could have been your father.
You have the same
Why do you think anyone will pay for this?
I mean, we have Pornhub now.
And I haven't seen any red dots.
Except on that one waiter's ass.
- Hmm.
- Ah, sorry, I'm off the clock.
This crowd will buy, trust me.
Once Stossel primes the pump
He's a big gay art collector.
I've bet the farm on this,
and I'm never wrong.
- Thanks for the support, Billy. As always.
- [phone alert]
Great. He's ten minutes away. [chuckles]
How do you get fired from a internship?
Because I'm a musician,
not a sound engineer.
Well, okay. Maybe it's for the best.
You can find a job
that might actually pay you.
Once in a while, you could flirt with me.
Ooh! We're in luck! A rom-com marathon.
- [sighs]
- What is this? Ice cream is flirting.
By the way,
the Jordans want us for dinner next week.
[sighs] Fine. But let's tell them
we have an early morning.
Totally. Love him. Hate her.
I'm just being friendly.
Besides, I'm on the co-op board.
You know, sometimes they say
ice cream tastes better when it's melted.
Should we let it rest for an hour?
An hour?
Okay, now you're flattering me.
- [woman] Ah!
- [both chuckle]
[groans] Oh my God!
- Oh my God, it's you!
- What?
You're the man in my bed!
There's no room for any hot doctor.
Get out! Get out, get out, get out!
Get your ass out!
That's one.
I remember when you were at Channel Five.
That feature that you did
on Hurricane Sandy. Yes, it was amazing.
I had no idea you were gay.
I would say thank you,
but I'm too evolved.
- [whispers] But thank you.
- [laughs]
Oh, a patient just clocked me.
I should go and say hi. Excuse me.
He's great. How's the sex?
No idea. We're takin' it slow.
I wanna get to know him as a person.
God, why?
Mr. Stossel!
Welcome to Butt Munsch.
Allow me to take you through
the exhibition. There's a progression.
From singles, to doubles, to quintuples,
with a corresponding movement
from front to back,
to back to back, to back on back.
That won't be necessary.
I am an art collector, Mr. James.
This isn't art.
It's porn.
Cartoon porn.
Oh my God.
Stanley's got everything riding on this.
Uh Mr. James.
Is Leather Urinal still available?
Not anymore.
Where are your little red dots?
What a relief. It's so hard
to buy for Anderson Cooper.
I was actually looking at that one.
Fortunately, I have another
from the same period.
Let me show you Pig Trough.
[mutters] Thank you.
Ahem. It's right over here.
Well played. You're a good friend.
Thank you.
He won't really make me
pay for that, will he?
This is so weird.
I swear I remember this one.
Oh my God, yes.
It was on a postcard I bought
in the Village in the tenth grade.
I was a nervous wreck on the bus home,
clutching my backpack
like Gollum with the ring.
It was ninth grade for me.
Somebody shoved it in my locker
with "faggot" scrawled across the back.
But the front,
It was the pride and joy
of my teenage wank bank.
Me too.
It's like the universe
- Is that your first one?
- I haven't eaten a thing all day.
- This part feels like Christmas morning.
- Oh yeah.
- Opening presents.
- [chuckles]
- Mm!
- I hope you like what Santa brought you.
[whispers] Best Christmas ever.
All right, my turn.
Whoa, it just keeps on going.
Congratulations to your parents,
Paul and Mary Bunyan.
I hope you're not a grower.
Oh my God! You are.
Oh, wow!
Okay, well, fortunately,
I can unhinge my jaw like a python.
Oh, actually, um
I was hoping that
I could
Seriously? With that thing?
I'll go easy.
- You are so tense.
- I Uh
- Come here.
- Okay.
[Josh groans]
- [whispers] Just relax.
- I'm sorry.
I've just been accustomed to a certain
size and circumference for a lot of years,
and it's kind of minor league
with what you got goin' on down there.
You know, I have heard that before.
And, um there is a workaround.
What, poppers and a prayer?
I can use an anal paralytic.
It's off-label, but it works like a charm.
You wanna Botox my butthole?
Just a few ccs.
It'll deaden the sphincter reflex,
and then, pah! I'm in.
There is not one word in that sentence
that doesn't terrify me.
Don't worry, I'm great with the needle.
You will hardly feel a thing.
Come on. You spent all night
telling me how open you are.
Yeah, spiritually!
Um, I don't really want you
to Botox my ass,
and, sidebar, when would it snap back?
How long would I walk around
with an asshole like a loose turtleneck?
I I'm sorry. I I can't do this.
Wait, no. It wa it was just an idea.
Look, see?
- What are you doin'?
- I'm not supposed to be here.
I'm not supposed to know about
Botoxed buttholes, and PrEP,
and and no condoms.
I am supposed to be
sitting on my couch watching TV
while my boyfriend
is chewing way too loud beside me.
That is the world that I want.
I miss that world, and I want it back.
And if I can't have it back,
then I want it to be a year from now,
or ten years,
and all this pain and anger
and change will be over.
Okay, I get it, I get it. I really do.
Can I just say one thing?
How about just the tip?
No, he's a great guy, Dad, really,
and it started out well. It just
wasn't a good fit.
I gotta go.
Good news. The loan funded into escrow,
we close the Claire deal in two weeks,
Raffi almost smiled.
Oh, and guess what? The asshole guru,
teacher, whatever, was right about me too.
I realized who the man in my bed is.
Kai, my son.
- Ew.
- I know.
When I think of all the times I reach
for the remote without looking. Ugh!
Could've been a Freudian nightmare.
We gotta find him his own place stat.
And I gotta get back out there
and find somebody that turns me on.
Well, good luck with that.
Out there is no fun.
What happened to the doctor?
It all went away!
The guy, the forgiveness, the compassion.
I'm right where I was.
It's now, it's not a year from now,
and now sucks!
I know you're mad, honey,
but we're gonna need that stapler.
I'm just gonna grow older and older,
until one day, I'm Jack.
- Who's Jack?
- Old guy that lives on my floor.
Keeps putting Post-it notes on my door,
asking me over for drinks.
Because we have so much in common.
Gay, old, alone.
I got one of those in my building too.
Three hairs here, 20 down here.
You'll kill me
before that happens, won't you?
[mellow jazzy music playing]
[Jack] Michael Lawson!
I thought I saw you
back there in the market. I waved!
Did you see the skinny ice cream on sale?
Three hundred calories for the whole pint!
Not that you need it. [laughs]
Look at you. Snake hips.
That's what we used to call it.
Thanks, I think?
Don't you miss the way things used to be?
Only every minute of every day.
That's why I'm moving.
Can't take the winters anymore.
I'm thinking, if I can get two 2.2,
with a good Realtor
You think you can handle that?
Wait, you want me to sell your
Who else?
I left a few notes on your door,
but if you're too busy
No, right, of course you did.
I'm sorry, Jack.
I can definitely handle it. Thank you.
Sorry. I'm just a little thrown.
I was not expecting something good.
It's been a hard week.
Hard couple of weeks.
My lover, he died 23 years ago.
I thought I would never get over it.
But you do. Eventually.
It's a journey. No shortcuts.
Didn't anyone ever tell you that?
Yeah, actually.
A kind of guru, once.
[laughs] Lucky you. I had nuns.
You can see right over the trees
on my floor.
All New York.
I'll miss it, but it's a young man's town.
If I were your age
But you know that. How lucky you are.
Everything in front of you.
Hey, Jack. What do you say
you show me your place,
we crack open that skinny ice cream,
and talk prices?
[theme music playing]
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