United States of Tara s02e05 Episode Script
Doin' Time
Previously on United States of Tara - You obviously belong over here.
- I'm straight, but not narrow.
How is your beard, anyway? You guys boning? I'm gay.
Good.
- We've got some big news.
- We're pregnant! Nick can tell that I had a thing with Neil? Is that an engagement ring? This is my big fish Lynda P.
Frazier.
Your check bounced.
- You owe me money.
- Who is that? Princess Valhalla Hawkwind.
Let's make a movie.
I thought that you were her.
Well, I'll always be her.
- What do you want? - I need the body! Baby.
Baby.
And I thought I was better! I just can't bring myself to tell him I'm transitioning again.
Buck, I love you.
I love you.
Sully! Give me my money back.
That's all I want.
Relax, will you? Tara, what have you done with your poncho? I don't know, Mimi.
Written by my old therapist.
The much-lauded Shoshana Schoenbaum? It's simple stuff, but she's very down-to-earth.
- Till you find the right doctor.
- I found somebody.
She's in New York City? Excuse me? Do you mind? I'm finishing up a session.
Hold on, Dolores.
Can I help you? United Team Blackart Browncoat Lafeelicita Miniben314 Salomon valpi Doin' Time Honey, I'm gonna have to call you back.
I'm sorry.
I have several clients today.
I can't just take a walk-in.
Fuck.
Fuck, no.
Wait.
You're Max, aren't you? Fantastic.
So pleased to finally meet you.
I've heard so much from Tara.
Maybe I can squeeze you in.
Fuck.
Okay, who are you? I'm Shoshana Schoenbaum.
Tara's new therapist.
Don't do this to me, God damn it! Please! I can see how angry you are.
Let's slow it down a bit.
Let's do an exercise.
I want you to express your feelings to Tara.
This chair here This is Tara.
Talk to the chair like it's Tara.
Are you insane? No? Not the chair? You want You want me to be Tara? Fine.
I'll be Tara.
Go on.
I don't even feel sick, just So, so tired, you know? Like, prison-camp tired.
I don't see anything.
Nothing to see.
What do you mean? You're not two months pregnant.
We did four Accu-clears and an E.
P.
T.
According to your HCG levels, you're only about three to four weeks in.
Too early for an external exam.
But my fiancé wasn't even in town then.
We're gonna need to do an internal.
And they're having a total emotional meltdown, so what do they do? They put me on lockdown, so they can, quote, unquote, be in control.
Supreme bullshit.
I read that smoking weed too early in the day can give you meningitis.
This is kryptonite.
It's from California.
Makes your eyelashes thirsty.
Is the video done loading yet? That horse looks completely fake.
On purpose! It's a comment.
On what? On the testosterone-fueled fantasy genre.
Totally subverting The hero archetype.
Valhalla is postfeminist.
Do you even know what that means? No, not really.
Tell me true, Moosh Are you or are you not a homo? That term is a little onerous, but It's official.
Then why are you wasting your time with jungle snatch? Chuck her, dude.
Good, Max.
Deep breaths.
Now, I understand Tara tried to discuss her alter's recent transgression, but you put the kibosh on the conversation.
Talk to me.
This is too much.
Listen.
Tara may have her problems, but it takes two to tango.
You need to look at you.
In this world, there are givers and there are getters.
And my real feeling here is that you need to explore becoming more of a getter if you want to get better.
No real doctor would give rhyming advice.
What the fuck am I talking about? You're not a doctor.
Look, if you see Tara, tell her to pack a bag for the hospital.
I'm making a long-overdue phone call.
What is this? I don't understand.
- It doesn't make any sense.
- just remain calm.
Cops.
Cops! Shit! Get it! Go! Go! Heart attack Bona fide Who called the cops? - to remain silent.
- Dad? - What the fuck? - used against you - in a court of law.
- It's okay, kids.
Go back inside.
- What is happening? - Is this your wife, sir? - Who knows? - Yes, I am.
We have a warrant for the arrest for aggravated assault and battery.
We're gonna be taking him to Johnson County, about 20 min away, in Olathe.
- What's going on? - I'll explain later.
Can you hang with the kids a couple hours? - Sure.
No problem.
- And you two, don't worry.
We'll be back soon.
And, Kate, you're still grounded.
Who wants pancakes? Like, with his fists? Like, blam, blam, bloody knuckles? He didn't say.
Got him arrested, so it must have been pretty jacked.
Wait.
Why does Mrs.
Butterworth need to be black? And aunt Jemima, too.
That's some fucked-up racist pancake shit.
Mrs.
Butterworth isn't black.
She's just filled with syrup.
Technically, she's clear.
She's a clear-casian.
Come on, your dad's in fucking jail, probably getting things put up his booty right now.
I'm sorry, Marshall.
I know that man-sex is great when it's consensual.
We're not laughing because it's funny.
We're laughing to keep from blowing our brains out.
Yeah, you seem really broken up about it.
We thought mom was totally better.
- She - Okay, A) Mom's alter has a lesbyterian gal-pal.
B) Dad has psycho renovation rage.
C) You're practically an unwed teen mother.
Shut up.
And D) Marshall's bangin' bitches, so - Nice, Kate.
- Right? So As a family We're completely Fucked.
Do you think Aunt Jemima and uncle Ben are married? Aunt Jemima is married to uncle Jemima.
Husband with a criminal record.
Jesus.
What is going on with you, Max? Sweetie, your windows are filthy.
Wonderful.
Now I've got tab on my dress.
Fuck.
Hey, Tara's voicemail.
It's your husband Max.
From jail.
Now, slow down, Tara.
Who are you calling? Triple A.
Honey, settle.
Let's think a moment.
Now.
Why are we in this predicament? Because I drove my car off the road.
And how often do you find yourself driving your car off the road? Never! Exactly.
You had a very simple mission.
To drive 20 short miles to rescue your husband from the clutches of doom.
As, I might add, he's done so many times for you.
So you tell me Why? To avoid bailing Max out of jail? Because He was gonna commit me? Sure.
But what else? Because I want to figure stuff out before I see him again.
Yes, Tara.
Good.
Bravo.
You are so much more insightful than you believe.
Am I? You don't give yourself nearly enough credit.
Self-esteem issues.
A whole other megillah.
We'll get to that.
But for now, I want to talk to you about those two little girls The girls you saw in the hallway.
You got enough time for all that? You know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna cancel all my appointments for the rest of the day.
I want to give you all the time you need.
I always pictured this place grungier, full of angry drunks and aging hookers.
What are you in for? Here's what I've collected for our literary journal the past couple of weeks, - and here's the table of contents.
- Impressive.
Thanks! Okay, so I was thinking of, like, a ghosted image beneath the list of names, like a bulging eyeball.
Sounds great.
What should we do with Zach's "Frigid mother, dead universe" piece? Back page.
I love this, Marshy.
I love how it doesn't scream "pretentious high-school zine".
It's a unique animal.
Like us.
My My sister thinks we should break up.
Of course she does.
She's lonely and unevolved.
I'd be envious, too.
Courtney I just feel like I might need some space, you know? It's not about who you are.
It's about where I am in my Court, don't do that.
Sorry, Marshy.
Just kidding.
I'm here for Max Gregson.
He left about half an hour ago.
He left? Honey, you need to check your messages.
He wasn't very happy.
No, that's fine.
I'll see you at home.
That was Tara.
She just got to the jail now.
Had a minor accident Hit a pothole or something.
I don't know.
She's okay.
That explains it.
Doesn't explain why it took her 3 hours to call, but what are you gonna do? Max, how long have we known each other? Not once have I ever seen you raise your fist to anyone.
All right? I mean I mean, remember "Bridget Jones's diary"? Renée Zellweger finds the naked chick in Hugh Grant's bathroom? What? She freaks.
She dumps him.
She quits her job, right? But you can't do that.
Your anger has to go somewhere else, because you can't stick it in the one place it belongs.
I told her to get a new therapist or else.
Great.
And? Well, she did.
Except it's her.
She's her own therapist.
I don't I don't get it.
It's a new alter, Neil, a fucking therapist alter.
Jesus, Mary, and donkey.
Nurse! Can we get two jim beams here? No problem.
"Your love is like a scorched carpet in the brothel of my mind".
This literary journal is a nightmare.
By "literary journal", do you mean "relationship"? - Courtney says - "Courtney says".
What? You can be bi if you want, but you don't have to get with every female who crushes on you.
It's called "chemistry".
Madonna's biceps make me nervous.
Looky.
It's getting out of hand.
I saw.
Marshall showed me.
Oh, my God.
251,642 hits? - You're a national treasure.
- I know.
"You move like a retarded baby.
Do something cool, like suck a dick"? There's better ones.
"She look like my camp friend who I made out wit.
" Why can't these people spell? Hey, so, I saw your girlfriend earlier.
Did you kick her like a meth habit? It didn't really take.
Why isn't Lynda calling me back? You think she's jealous? - Of what, your online-stalker mob? - No, maybe Maybe she thinks that I'm trying to steal her thunder.
Or maybe she thinks that I'm just, like, some loser idiot kid.
Oh, my god! Oh, my god! She hates me! I thought you said your mom was psycho.
My blood-alcohol content is just beneath the legal limit.
Why don't you go ahead? I'm gonna use the little boys' room.
You know that little thing that you had with my wife.
I don't I don't know your wife.
I have a thing for Buck.
Right, right, Buck.
Anyway, Tara feels real bad about what happened between you two.
Her disease gets her into some hot water now and then.
Never a dull moment.
Anyhoo I just want to thank you for not taking advantage of her in her fragile state.
What is this? Consider that a tip.
Your wife She tastes like rain.
Sometimes kiwi fruit.
And once, she tasted like a penny.
Where's Max? Neil picked him up.
I drove my car into a sign.
Shit! Are you okay? I'm fine.
Small sign.
God.
The drama around here.
All this anxiety is bad for my embryo.
By the way, I found out the baby's not Nick's.
It's Neil's.
- What? - Yup.
- Fuckin' load of poop.
- Thought you were revirginating.
With Nick.
I just I love Neil's weird, sweet little body.
He's got this patch of fuzz on his lower back, right above his ass crack.
I named it Sophie.
Stop it! When did you even see him? Here and there.
I couldn't stay away from him.
You know what it is? I want my wedding pictures with Nick, but I want my wedding night with Neil.
You know, I could marry Nick and have Neil's baby, and no one would even find out.
You could, but the kid could come out looking like a tiny Neil.
With a little rectangular mozzarella body.
And an adorable underbite.
And a genius for doing cartoon voices during sex.
It's really fucked-up.
Can I ask you something? Do you remember someone named Mimi? Why? I have this memory of you and me and this woman named Mimi.
Nope.
Doesn't even sound familiar, like a babysitter or something? Mimi? No.
Shit.
Neil's here.
All right, I'm not gonna tell him the baby's his yet, okay? God, I hate when they fight.
It makes me feel like an orphan.
See? Sex screws up everything.
It makes people cruel.
Take sex out of the equation, and no one gets hurt.
I haven't really figured out what the big deal is about it.
I mean I think it's fun, but I don't know if it's fun fun.
I'm afraid that if Courtney knows that I don't want to have sex with her, she'll be traumatized.
And split into 17 billion people? What if I'm pathologically unable to let anyone down forever? I mean, what if Yo, woman! 'sup? Oh, no.
No worries.
I'm just chillin' with my little bro.
She lost her charger.
So, did you see? I know! You know, people who knew about you used to ask me how we made it work, and I'd say, "Well, we're fucking crazy in love".
And it was working Tara, for 17 years.
But it's not fucking working anymore.
I know it sounds insane, but I've been seeing therapists for decades, and not one of them has ever given me even a fraction of the insight she has.
Tara, listen to me.
She is not real! If the measure of being real is that she helps me figure things out, that I can't unpack on my own, then she is real.
Unpack what things? Well, it's still foggy, but I'm I'm having memories, after a lifetime of nothing.
Can you believe that? And Shoshana thinks it's the Hubbard house that's bringing this up and making it happen.
It's the Hubbard house.
That's rich.
- Why the Hubbard house? - We don't know yet.
She's had some pretty interesting things to say about you, too.
Oh, yeah? Like what? She said that you need me to be sick.
Because it's the only fucking thing holding us together.
I knew you'd be back.
But listen.
I can't be your therapist.
My professional code of ethics dictates I don't want a therapist.
I just Tara doesn't know I'm here, does she? I can trust you not to tell her? I'm a professional, Max.
I don't take this role lightly.
If I were to violate a confidence, I'd lose my self-respect.
Not to mention my license.
I just want someone who will listen.
- I'm straight, but not narrow.
How is your beard, anyway? You guys boning? I'm gay.
Good.
- We've got some big news.
- We're pregnant! Nick can tell that I had a thing with Neil? Is that an engagement ring? This is my big fish Lynda P.
Frazier.
Your check bounced.
- You owe me money.
- Who is that? Princess Valhalla Hawkwind.
Let's make a movie.
I thought that you were her.
Well, I'll always be her.
- What do you want? - I need the body! Baby.
Baby.
And I thought I was better! I just can't bring myself to tell him I'm transitioning again.
Buck, I love you.
I love you.
Sully! Give me my money back.
That's all I want.
Relax, will you? Tara, what have you done with your poncho? I don't know, Mimi.
Written by my old therapist.
The much-lauded Shoshana Schoenbaum? It's simple stuff, but she's very down-to-earth.
- Till you find the right doctor.
- I found somebody.
She's in New York City? Excuse me? Do you mind? I'm finishing up a session.
Hold on, Dolores.
Can I help you? United Team Blackart Browncoat Lafeelicita Miniben314 Salomon valpi Doin' Time Honey, I'm gonna have to call you back.
I'm sorry.
I have several clients today.
I can't just take a walk-in.
Fuck.
Fuck, no.
Wait.
You're Max, aren't you? Fantastic.
So pleased to finally meet you.
I've heard so much from Tara.
Maybe I can squeeze you in.
Fuck.
Okay, who are you? I'm Shoshana Schoenbaum.
Tara's new therapist.
Don't do this to me, God damn it! Please! I can see how angry you are.
Let's slow it down a bit.
Let's do an exercise.
I want you to express your feelings to Tara.
This chair here This is Tara.
Talk to the chair like it's Tara.
Are you insane? No? Not the chair? You want You want me to be Tara? Fine.
I'll be Tara.
Go on.
I don't even feel sick, just So, so tired, you know? Like, prison-camp tired.
I don't see anything.
Nothing to see.
What do you mean? You're not two months pregnant.
We did four Accu-clears and an E.
P.
T.
According to your HCG levels, you're only about three to four weeks in.
Too early for an external exam.
But my fiancé wasn't even in town then.
We're gonna need to do an internal.
And they're having a total emotional meltdown, so what do they do? They put me on lockdown, so they can, quote, unquote, be in control.
Supreme bullshit.
I read that smoking weed too early in the day can give you meningitis.
This is kryptonite.
It's from California.
Makes your eyelashes thirsty.
Is the video done loading yet? That horse looks completely fake.
On purpose! It's a comment.
On what? On the testosterone-fueled fantasy genre.
Totally subverting The hero archetype.
Valhalla is postfeminist.
Do you even know what that means? No, not really.
Tell me true, Moosh Are you or are you not a homo? That term is a little onerous, but It's official.
Then why are you wasting your time with jungle snatch? Chuck her, dude.
Good, Max.
Deep breaths.
Now, I understand Tara tried to discuss her alter's recent transgression, but you put the kibosh on the conversation.
Talk to me.
This is too much.
Listen.
Tara may have her problems, but it takes two to tango.
You need to look at you.
In this world, there are givers and there are getters.
And my real feeling here is that you need to explore becoming more of a getter if you want to get better.
No real doctor would give rhyming advice.
What the fuck am I talking about? You're not a doctor.
Look, if you see Tara, tell her to pack a bag for the hospital.
I'm making a long-overdue phone call.
What is this? I don't understand.
- It doesn't make any sense.
- just remain calm.
Cops.
Cops! Shit! Get it! Go! Go! Heart attack Bona fide Who called the cops? - to remain silent.
- Dad? - What the fuck? - used against you - in a court of law.
- It's okay, kids.
Go back inside.
- What is happening? - Is this your wife, sir? - Who knows? - Yes, I am.
We have a warrant for the arrest for aggravated assault and battery.
We're gonna be taking him to Johnson County, about 20 min away, in Olathe.
- What's going on? - I'll explain later.
Can you hang with the kids a couple hours? - Sure.
No problem.
- And you two, don't worry.
We'll be back soon.
And, Kate, you're still grounded.
Who wants pancakes? Like, with his fists? Like, blam, blam, bloody knuckles? He didn't say.
Got him arrested, so it must have been pretty jacked.
Wait.
Why does Mrs.
Butterworth need to be black? And aunt Jemima, too.
That's some fucked-up racist pancake shit.
Mrs.
Butterworth isn't black.
She's just filled with syrup.
Technically, she's clear.
She's a clear-casian.
Come on, your dad's in fucking jail, probably getting things put up his booty right now.
I'm sorry, Marshall.
I know that man-sex is great when it's consensual.
We're not laughing because it's funny.
We're laughing to keep from blowing our brains out.
Yeah, you seem really broken up about it.
We thought mom was totally better.
- She - Okay, A) Mom's alter has a lesbyterian gal-pal.
B) Dad has psycho renovation rage.
C) You're practically an unwed teen mother.
Shut up.
And D) Marshall's bangin' bitches, so - Nice, Kate.
- Right? So As a family We're completely Fucked.
Do you think Aunt Jemima and uncle Ben are married? Aunt Jemima is married to uncle Jemima.
Husband with a criminal record.
Jesus.
What is going on with you, Max? Sweetie, your windows are filthy.
Wonderful.
Now I've got tab on my dress.
Fuck.
Hey, Tara's voicemail.
It's your husband Max.
From jail.
Now, slow down, Tara.
Who are you calling? Triple A.
Honey, settle.
Let's think a moment.
Now.
Why are we in this predicament? Because I drove my car off the road.
And how often do you find yourself driving your car off the road? Never! Exactly.
You had a very simple mission.
To drive 20 short miles to rescue your husband from the clutches of doom.
As, I might add, he's done so many times for you.
So you tell me Why? To avoid bailing Max out of jail? Because He was gonna commit me? Sure.
But what else? Because I want to figure stuff out before I see him again.
Yes, Tara.
Good.
Bravo.
You are so much more insightful than you believe.
Am I? You don't give yourself nearly enough credit.
Self-esteem issues.
A whole other megillah.
We'll get to that.
But for now, I want to talk to you about those two little girls The girls you saw in the hallway.
You got enough time for all that? You know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna cancel all my appointments for the rest of the day.
I want to give you all the time you need.
I always pictured this place grungier, full of angry drunks and aging hookers.
What are you in for? Here's what I've collected for our literary journal the past couple of weeks, - and here's the table of contents.
- Impressive.
Thanks! Okay, so I was thinking of, like, a ghosted image beneath the list of names, like a bulging eyeball.
Sounds great.
What should we do with Zach's "Frigid mother, dead universe" piece? Back page.
I love this, Marshy.
I love how it doesn't scream "pretentious high-school zine".
It's a unique animal.
Like us.
My My sister thinks we should break up.
Of course she does.
She's lonely and unevolved.
I'd be envious, too.
Courtney I just feel like I might need some space, you know? It's not about who you are.
It's about where I am in my Court, don't do that.
Sorry, Marshy.
Just kidding.
I'm here for Max Gregson.
He left about half an hour ago.
He left? Honey, you need to check your messages.
He wasn't very happy.
No, that's fine.
I'll see you at home.
That was Tara.
She just got to the jail now.
Had a minor accident Hit a pothole or something.
I don't know.
She's okay.
That explains it.
Doesn't explain why it took her 3 hours to call, but what are you gonna do? Max, how long have we known each other? Not once have I ever seen you raise your fist to anyone.
All right? I mean I mean, remember "Bridget Jones's diary"? Renée Zellweger finds the naked chick in Hugh Grant's bathroom? What? She freaks.
She dumps him.
She quits her job, right? But you can't do that.
Your anger has to go somewhere else, because you can't stick it in the one place it belongs.
I told her to get a new therapist or else.
Great.
And? Well, she did.
Except it's her.
She's her own therapist.
I don't I don't get it.
It's a new alter, Neil, a fucking therapist alter.
Jesus, Mary, and donkey.
Nurse! Can we get two jim beams here? No problem.
"Your love is like a scorched carpet in the brothel of my mind".
This literary journal is a nightmare.
By "literary journal", do you mean "relationship"? - Courtney says - "Courtney says".
What? You can be bi if you want, but you don't have to get with every female who crushes on you.
It's called "chemistry".
Madonna's biceps make me nervous.
Looky.
It's getting out of hand.
I saw.
Marshall showed me.
Oh, my God.
251,642 hits? - You're a national treasure.
- I know.
"You move like a retarded baby.
Do something cool, like suck a dick"? There's better ones.
"She look like my camp friend who I made out wit.
" Why can't these people spell? Hey, so, I saw your girlfriend earlier.
Did you kick her like a meth habit? It didn't really take.
Why isn't Lynda calling me back? You think she's jealous? - Of what, your online-stalker mob? - No, maybe Maybe she thinks that I'm trying to steal her thunder.
Or maybe she thinks that I'm just, like, some loser idiot kid.
Oh, my god! Oh, my god! She hates me! I thought you said your mom was psycho.
My blood-alcohol content is just beneath the legal limit.
Why don't you go ahead? I'm gonna use the little boys' room.
You know that little thing that you had with my wife.
I don't I don't know your wife.
I have a thing for Buck.
Right, right, Buck.
Anyway, Tara feels real bad about what happened between you two.
Her disease gets her into some hot water now and then.
Never a dull moment.
Anyhoo I just want to thank you for not taking advantage of her in her fragile state.
What is this? Consider that a tip.
Your wife She tastes like rain.
Sometimes kiwi fruit.
And once, she tasted like a penny.
Where's Max? Neil picked him up.
I drove my car into a sign.
Shit! Are you okay? I'm fine.
Small sign.
God.
The drama around here.
All this anxiety is bad for my embryo.
By the way, I found out the baby's not Nick's.
It's Neil's.
- What? - Yup.
- Fuckin' load of poop.
- Thought you were revirginating.
With Nick.
I just I love Neil's weird, sweet little body.
He's got this patch of fuzz on his lower back, right above his ass crack.
I named it Sophie.
Stop it! When did you even see him? Here and there.
I couldn't stay away from him.
You know what it is? I want my wedding pictures with Nick, but I want my wedding night with Neil.
You know, I could marry Nick and have Neil's baby, and no one would even find out.
You could, but the kid could come out looking like a tiny Neil.
With a little rectangular mozzarella body.
And an adorable underbite.
And a genius for doing cartoon voices during sex.
It's really fucked-up.
Can I ask you something? Do you remember someone named Mimi? Why? I have this memory of you and me and this woman named Mimi.
Nope.
Doesn't even sound familiar, like a babysitter or something? Mimi? No.
Shit.
Neil's here.
All right, I'm not gonna tell him the baby's his yet, okay? God, I hate when they fight.
It makes me feel like an orphan.
See? Sex screws up everything.
It makes people cruel.
Take sex out of the equation, and no one gets hurt.
I haven't really figured out what the big deal is about it.
I mean I think it's fun, but I don't know if it's fun fun.
I'm afraid that if Courtney knows that I don't want to have sex with her, she'll be traumatized.
And split into 17 billion people? What if I'm pathologically unable to let anyone down forever? I mean, what if Yo, woman! 'sup? Oh, no.
No worries.
I'm just chillin' with my little bro.
She lost her charger.
So, did you see? I know! You know, people who knew about you used to ask me how we made it work, and I'd say, "Well, we're fucking crazy in love".
And it was working Tara, for 17 years.
But it's not fucking working anymore.
I know it sounds insane, but I've been seeing therapists for decades, and not one of them has ever given me even a fraction of the insight she has.
Tara, listen to me.
She is not real! If the measure of being real is that she helps me figure things out, that I can't unpack on my own, then she is real.
Unpack what things? Well, it's still foggy, but I'm I'm having memories, after a lifetime of nothing.
Can you believe that? And Shoshana thinks it's the Hubbard house that's bringing this up and making it happen.
It's the Hubbard house.
That's rich.
- Why the Hubbard house? - We don't know yet.
She's had some pretty interesting things to say about you, too.
Oh, yeah? Like what? She said that you need me to be sick.
Because it's the only fucking thing holding us together.
I knew you'd be back.
But listen.
I can't be your therapist.
My professional code of ethics dictates I don't want a therapist.
I just Tara doesn't know I'm here, does she? I can trust you not to tell her? I'm a professional, Max.
I don't take this role lightly.
If I were to violate a confidence, I'd lose my self-respect.
Not to mention my license.
I just want someone who will listen.