United States of Tara s02e06 Episode Script

Tornado!

Previously on United States of Tara Take this for a spin.
Written by my old therapist.
The much-lauded Shoshana Schoenbaum? Till you find the right doctor.
I'll give it a look.
Who are you? I'm Shoshana Schoenbaum Tara's new therapist.
This is too much.
Listen.
Tara may have her problems, but it takes two to tango.
You need to look at you.
This is my big fish Lynda P.
Frazier.
I thought that you were her.
I'll always be her.
Princess Valhalla Hawkwind.
Damn, girl, you're a superstar.
- We've got big news.
- We're pregnant! By the way, I found out the baby's Not Nick's.
It's Neil's.
Do you remember someone named Mimi? I have this memory of you and me and this woman named Mimi.
- It's okay.
Go back inside.
- What is happening? We have a warrant for the arrest for aggravated assault and battery.
I knew you'd be back.
But listen.
- I can't be your therapist.
- I don't want a therapist.
I just want someone who will listen.
United Team Blackart Browncoat Lafeelicita Miniben314 Salomon valpi Torando! Things were going so well, you know? Your relationship with Tara had improved.
Completely.
Then after she, you know confronted trip about the the rape and we got her on the right drug cocktail There was a light at the end of the tunnel for the first time in a long time.
You know? And you don't see a light at the end of the tunnel anymore? Not so much.
Not really, no.
I mean, Tara She cheated on me with that Pammy woman from the bar and Her alter Buck had relations.
Okay, fine.
Buck had an affair, but Tara knew about it.
She kept it from me.
She lied.
You felt locked out.
And she lied about finding a therapist.
Tara did locate a therapist, Max.
I know, Shoshana.
But the therapist she located is her.
It's confusing.
Fuckin' "A".
And it sucks.
So, I got 100 copies made, figuring we could start small, and then throw our profits into the next run.
I came up with a plan for us Like, a way we could stay together, no matter what.
So, you know we have fun together, right? How we complement each other? Make shit together? We're a good team, right? We're a good team, but So we have to keep on being a team.
How do I put this? I don't want to touch your breasts, and I don't want to put my boner I know! So, do that stuff with boys and then come home to me.
There's a rich tradition of making this relationship work.
- You see what's happening? - Mostly on the coasts.
Like Clay Aiken and his baby mama.
They're trying to tell everyone that there's a tornado watch in effect, but look It says "Torando".
"Torando".
Can you believe that? What a bunch of morons.
I love getting to know you, Max.
You do? If Tara weren't my client, we could do this out in the open.
But, becoming your therapist while I'm her therapist It's It's against the rules.
Wouldn't want to break any rules.
I think you're good for her.
And I think you're also good enough for her.
I never thought that I wasn't.
But you must sometimes wonder what you and Tara would look like as a couple if she were more healthy.
Actually, sometimes I wonder if Tara were healthy whether we'd even be together at all.
Maybe you should let her go.
Let her go, yeah.
My wife, mother of my kids.
Let her go a little.
See how it feels.
And now our time is up.
So it is.
Same time tomorrow? Same Same time is fine.
Thanks.
He's trying so hard.
Have you been here the whole time? I can't help it.
I'm here.
You're the only alter I've ever had that I've been so continuously co-conscious with.
Sorry.
It's good.
It means you're just that much closer to integrating.
Trust me, Tara.
Even though we haven't been working together very long, I have a very good feeling about this About you and me.
Kismet.
What's under the sheet, Sherlock? My Princess Valhalla costume.
See? Now, why do you do that? - Do what? - Give this willfully minimal answer that just requires another question.
What are you doing? Lynda and I are setting up a table at this comic shop in KC-MO to sell pictures of me for money.
- Kind of kill two birds with - Money.
- Exactamente.
- Thank you.
Is that 10 gallons of water, or are you just happy to see me? It's for the gay neighbors.
What do you think you're doing? I am eating an unbalanced breakfast before I start my day.
I told you upstairs you're not going to that comic-book thing.
Dad, it is my job, okay? I have to collect this woman's debt.
And if embodying her avatar at a comic-book store is - Tornado watch in effect.
- Yes, dad.
I understand A watch.
Not a warning, and in any case, not a tornado.
I don't care.
It's not happening.
And don't think about taking Hubbard's car.
Got the keys.
Fuck.
Will you take me? Normally, yes, but your dad got busted for assault, I'm trying to stay on his good side.
Pussy.
Look who I found on the doorstep.
- Hey, handsome.
- Hey.
- See how the mighty have fallen.
- Another disastrous crepe? The batter doesn't hold together the way Ruth Reichl promised it would.
That randy slut is deeply off task.
I'm considering not renewing.
You guys heard about the tornado, right? Why do you think we're making crepes? We're woodshedding.
The plan was to slather these in Nutella and cuddle our way through the storm.
The only thing you can spread on these is disappointment and critique.
Tell me that's full of vodka.
Yeah, I wish.
Water.
In case the pipes break.
You really think an event of that startling a magnitude is nigh? We've been pretty lax when these things've come through before.
I don't know.
Could be big, Ted.
It could be.
Tornado from the same system touched down in St.
Louis two days ago Did major damage.
Well, well, well.
Does that say "Torando"? Big dummies.
I thought dad said you can't go.
Dad is not the boss of Princess Valhalla Hawkwind, nor any man.
Blush.
How are you getting there? Lynda's picking me up in a taxi.
Shadow.
So, how's the breakup coming? It's kind of still in process.
It's been two weeks.
You can't break up with someone for two weeks.
She's fine with no sex.
Okay, baby steps.
But She said she wants to be a celibate power couple.
Celibate power couple? That is the stupidest idea I've ever heard.
Channel 5 newsroom.
My name's Marshall Gregson.
I just wanted to inform you that the word "Tornado" is being sort of systematically misspelled on your broadcast.
And you say there are no heroes, ladies and gentlemen.
We have a homegrown hero right here in my bathroom.
That doesn't mean you can overlook spelling errors.
There are many Kansans numerous immigrants, for example, to whom "Torando" means nothing, and they will be the first to sail away when the mighty winds blow.
Marshall Gregson.
You're welcome.
You are an inspiration, Moosh.
Thank you.
Break up with Crazypants! I'm trying.
Holy shit.
- Geez.
This doesn't look good.
- Sure doesn't.
Prepare to get probed, earthlings.
The sky is so green.
Greenage is not a good sign Not at all.
We got to go to the basement.
Where are you going? Hubbard's basement It's bigger.
Come on.
Let's go.
Come on.
Charmaine, let's go! Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit.
Come on! How long are we gonna have to shit it out down here in this hole? It's usually just a half-hour.
Well, it better be, because my thing starts at 10:00, and Lynda should be picking me up in Unless Lynda has a death wish, I'm pretty sure she's staying at home.
If she's going out in this, she's crazy, and you can't go with her.
Got it, pop.
Thanks.
Are you coming, aunt Charmaine? Dad, aunt Charmaine won't come down.
Come on.
Let's go.
Get down here.
I can't.
Get down here! Let's go! God-fucking-damn it.
We kind of realized a basement would come in handy around about now.
- We've got day-old bagels.
- And Nutella.
Perfect.
Come on down.
What's the matter, aunt Charmaine? Nothing.
I just don't like basements.
Sounds perfectly normal to me.
Confined spaces are challenging.
Is it the prospect of confronting home-canned veggies or the drains in the floor that set you off? I just don't like being underground, that's all.
Shit! I better get over to the Home Depot and snag some masonite to cover Pammy's windows.
That glass will cut those girls right up.
Here we go.
Hello, everybody.
- This thing is happening to your mom.
- The thing is happening to my mom.
This reminds me of those church lock-ins I attended as a girl.
- "No necking, children".
- We'll try and restrain ourselves.
We're down here because there's a tornado warning.
I know why we're down here, Max.
What do you think I am A whore? Did she just say "whore"? Is she done changing? Well That was a lot of meshugaas.
I've had an easier time getting through the Holland Tunnel at rush hour.
Who the fuck is this? This is your mom's new therapist, Shoshana Schoenbaum.
That book I gave her to By my old therapist? She turns into her? Been quite a journey.
So The elements have conspired, like those witches in "Macbeth", to place us all in this situation Safe from harm, but in the eye of the storm.
- Make her fucking stop.
- I can't, Char.
You know I can't.
Group time.
Who wants to begin? Fuck me.
Ted reminded me of Mr.
Copeland, my history teacher at the British school in Cairo, I guess.
That must have been a great relief to you Coming to a new country and a new city that hustles and bustles the way the Big Apple can, to find a How shall I put it? A familiar face.
He was, actually.
Of course, the pitfall of choosing someone for safety is that we come to resent them over time.
A little.
- She's right.
- She's right.
But love, as I say in my book, loves it all.
But love has to see it.
Love can't be left in the dark.
Well, I don't know about you guys, but I am kind of grouped out.
- If you are going to talk to me - Your anger is a very pretty costume, just like your costume is a costume.
But where are you right now, under all those costumes? - Where's Kate? - God! Can't we just take a minute? I need a fucking break.
It's pretty amazing, actually, how much she's like the real Shoshana.
If you mean "makes you want to shove stick in her eye", then you're right.
Come on, Max.
Try KCSP, 610 AM.
I tried it already, Charmaine.
Just relax.
God, I just want to know when we're gonna be able to get out of here.
The only real difference between Tara's Shoshana and the real one is the real one's got this killer lisp.
Don't tell Tara that.
You called the TV station? Somebody had to.
It's bad enough seeing things spelled wrong on every marquee in Overland Park and on the internet boards.
I mean, if the TV newspeople lose their shit, what's left? I have to confess, I was very surprised when I first moved to America to find such a generally low level of stringency when it comes to spelling.
And math.
We're, like, the dumbest nation on the whole planet.
It has something to do with freedom.
We're very free, so we're very free to be stupid.
You always been so smart? Kind of have to be around here, or the system eats you alive.
It must be exhausting.
It is.
Lynda, it's Kate.
- I hear you back there.
- Leave me alone! I don't know if you're still gonna go to the comic-book store or if you're picking me up, but I'm next door in the basement.
So if you show up, I guess just Give me a call when you pull up.
I left this message like three times, so maybe the towers are down.
Call me.
You're not a bad dancer there, Shoshana.
When I was back at Vassar, it was required.
One semester of ballroom, one semester of "youth movement".
We should ask Charmaine to join.
Nah, you better leave her be.
When are you gonna learn you're not doing anyone any favors stopping things from happening? - Come dance.
- I don't want to dance.
Come on.
Dance a little, doll.
It'll make you feel better.
I don't want to dance.
You're not worried about Neil's baby, are you? Look, dancing won't shake that thing loose.
Neil's baby? Holy slimy shit.
She's carrying around Neil's baby.
You mean Nick's baby, right? You told Tara yourself, the baby is Neil's.
Don't lie.
You don't know what you're talking about Shoshana.
And you don't know what you're not talking about.
You think people lie the way you do to the ones they love for no reason at all? They lie because it's a habit.
And it's a habit because it started somewhere.
And we both know where your lying started, Charmaine.
- That's enough, Shoshana.
- You and Tara made a pact.
God damn it, I said stop it! Why did you let us say that? Because it needs to come out.
- What? What needs to come out? - Everything.
This business of the sisters protecting each other It's got to stop.
After all these years, Tara, it's time to get out of the basement.
You're right.
Our time is up.
Yeah, it's me.
What about the tornado? It's over.
Can't you guys feel it? The pressure's changed.
There is a light at the end of the tunnel, Max.
There is.
Where's mom going? I don't know.
- I'm worried about her.
- Don't be.
She'll be back.
Are you sure? Yeah.
She loves you guys too much to just disappear.