United States of Tara s03e04 Episode Script


Previously on "United States of Tara" How many people at your party? Around 30.
Less than 10.
The shower is on Sunday.
You promised.
"Oh, my God.
I fucked up your wedding.
Let me make it up to you" that's what she said.
I was just accepted to the program, and I'm back at school for the first time since the early '90s.
I'm Dr.
shoshana schoenbaum.
Trust me you will be stimulated.
"Boyfriend" is just another one of those gross words, like "vagina" or "love.
" St.
Louis to San Francisco, San Francisco to osaka.
I'm going there to teach English.
You said osaka, right? Yes.
Do you have any cities that you need English-speaking teachers? Don't throw those out.
Your father loves those ducks.
Bet you all the money I have, the day he left, he took one look at that box, knew what was inside, and said, "fuck this," and took off.
Do you ever think about taking off? What city in Japan? Niigata.
Oh, dear.
What do you mean, "oh, dear"? Why did she say "oh, dear"? Ma'am, is something wrong? Tara! It's t! You will not do this to me again! You will come back! What the fuck? Tara! Oh, shit.
All right, good contractions.
You're doing good there, Tara.
I'm not Tara, you fucking moron.
The one with the baby poking out of her is Charmaine.
The one who ran the baby over is sister Tara.
I-I didn't actually run her over.
Don't listen to her, because she wasn't there, because she wasn't she, because she's fucking crazy! I'm not crazy.
I'm sorry.
What's the proper medical term for "batshit insane"? So, you two are sisters.
I don't know.
How you can be sisters with someone who's got 42 people in her head who keep trying to ruin your life? My wedding, okay? "I so sleepy!" Ow! Ow! Disaster.
Full-on, feral spaz-out at the ow, ow, ow, ow! Spa.
Oh, my new breasts? Creeptastic moment there.
But this ow, ow this ow this tops the charts.
And premature labor induced via volkswagen?! I don't know how you're gonna top that one, Tara.
Look, I am sorry.
I didn't mean to I just wanted a goddamn baby shower! Listen, everything is going to be fine.
One day, this'll be a wacky story we tell our grandchildren.
No, I'm done laughing this off.
I am going to have my baby in a normal fucking way, with normal fucking people around me.
Stay away from me.
You are not fucking this up.
No, I hear what you're saying.
Aah! Oh, God, be careful with her! Charmaine, Charmaine! Please keep her away from me.
She's fucking crazy, okay? Oh, I'm so sorry.
I'm sorry.
Keep her away from me.
She's fucking crazy.
Aaaaah! Aah! It was pretty intense.
I mean, it's a lot going on very hard to explain.
Sort of really intense.
Yeah, you said "intense.
" This bursting forth of of of realiza or, no, of this this this sudden big bang of consciousness, like like boom! New universe of Kate.
Meg said you freaked the fuck out.
Junin toiro, which which means "different strokes to move the world.
" Is that yours? Ohhhh! Well, here's one.
Where's the other bag? Japan? Bursting into consciousness? The possibilities are varied and complex.
WellCould you Figure it out? It hurts my brain when I give a shit.
Come on, ray.
Can't you see that I am in the middle of some life-altering stuff right now, stuff that I have yet to spring on my parents, and it would be a really big, major, super-helpful thing if I had my shit together, so to speak? Please? I would prefer not to.
"Flower, bird, wind, moon.
" What does that mean? I don't know, but it sounds pretty.
Hey, are you all right? Oh, I'm just peachy.
I'm quite fond of hospitals.
They're very clean.
I need Tara.
She's a tad overwhelmed right now.
I need to talk to Tara.
Fortunately, I'm practically a midwife, ready to help Charmaine through the miracle of birth.
Yeah, I hear t fucked up the miracle of birth and the car, which is why I want to talk to my wife.
We are about to witness a beautiful and life-changing event, Max.
Dad, um There's an angry cop outside wants a word.
When you see Tara, tell her I'm feeling "a tad overwhelmed.
" Hi.
So How's grandma Sandy? Oh, you know old, scared, clinging to a life that no longer exists.
How are you? Just peachy.
Aaaah! Okay, miss craine.
Promise me you'll let me name her.
What? No, no, no.
You'll pick something stupid.
Cassandra is a beautiful name! It has the word "ass" in it.
Aaah! Promise me, Neil.
You owe me.
Baby's head might be too big.
What?! See?! This is all your fault, you and that giant skull of yours! Aaaah! Let let let me see.
Okay, what the hell is going on down there? It looks like Abe Lincoln after he got shot in the face.
What?! I will get you for this, Neil.
I will pound your balls till they swell up like melons and you have to carry them around in a testicle bjorn.
Aaaah! All right, mama, we're gonna take you down to the O.
, get this baby out.
E-everything's relax.
Everything's fine.
We just got a real big basketball, real small hoop.
W-what does that mean? She's getting a c-section.
Aaaah! A c-section? Okay, okay.
Uh, hold tight, Mr.
Lincoln! Help is on the way! Oh.
Thank you.
Are we completely screwed up as a family? I mean Aside from our wacky cousins that live inside your head.
Well, technically, you're not related.
ButYou, me, dad, and Kate we're We're okay, right? Yeah.
Why? I don't know.
Soap ducks.
Ducks made of soap? No soap made of ducks.
Honey, I don't know what you're talking about.
Do you think dad would ever leave us? What if he he got tired of the Us? - Oh, he's - He's not going anywhere.
He's You know you were born in this hospital? Kate, too.
God, she was tough, but you you popped right out, straight into my arms.
Were youYou when you had us? I mean, you weren't buck or or Alice? Oh, can you imagine? God, buck? Seriously.
Was everything normal when you had us? Everything was fine, moosh.
Everything is fine.
Quite an adventure you had back there at field's market.
They have really good sheet cake.
Is everything okay? Oh, yeah.
You just crashed a couple cars and stole a bunch of stuff from the store.
I have a baby.
A motherfucking baby! It looks like crap disgusting, blood-dripping, fucking raisin monster but it is a motherfucking baby, and it's mine! Whoo! Uh-huh.
See that? I did that.
Bravo, guys.
Thank you, God, for making me gay.
Oh, bless you.
Kah-choo! Do you have a name? We're kicking some ideas around.
Which is my favorite absolutely.
Hey, can Uncle Max have a snuggle? Yes, Uncle Max can have a snuggle after Uncle Max washes his hands.
Same with you, cousin what's-his-name.
And you're next, aunt Tara.
I don'tReally think that's a good idea.
No, doctor said it's okay, baby.
I could just I mean, everyone's right here.
I could just Hold her for a second.
I'm really not comfortable with this right now.
That was t.
It wasn't me.
I don't want you in here with the baby, Tara.
Okay, let's let's just go outside no, I come on, babe.
Who the hell drinks schnapps? Neil.
I don't get babies.
Well, what's to get? They're little people.
Midgets are little people.
Babies are incontinent extensions of the adult desire to rewrite history.
I love how you can be so pretentious and so completely stupid at the same time.
What? Random people mash together, and then they chunk out kids instead of dealing with the fact they should never have been together in the first place.
You think they have any porn? That's how you respond? Well, we can't find any vodka, soYeah.
Best threesomes in movies.
"Jules et Jim.
" Mm-hmm.
See? That's what I'm talking about.
It's an important film.
Don't know what's more depressing French cinema or that I'm chugging Fuck you, world.
Niigata, you're still here.
Pilot still drunk? No.
I, uh I-IJust couldn't.
Oh, dear.
In 12 hours, I'm supposed to call my parents from Japan to tell them how awesome my new life is.
How bad is your old life? Hey, do you think that maybe I could fake it, like I could pretend to be in Japan for six months? I faked having orgasms for six years.
Then I stopped nurturing a blind hatred for my life and got divorced.
There's a lesson in there somewhere.
The big "o" is life.
You can fake your way through it, but what's the fucking point? She's a fucking genius.
* don't walk away * * angel of deception * * how you live that way * * how can I be sure? * now you kiss him.
Uh, I don't know.
This is my sister's room.
It's kind of weird.
Don't be such a fag, smoosh.
She's in Japan.
Besides, it's only weird if you actually want to fuck her.
I'll be lucky Pierre.
All lips on me.
Um Can we shut off the lights? Look who's bashful all of a sudden.
What is your fucking problem?! You ran over my sister.
So? She gets a rugrat, you get a new car.
It's win-win.
She wouldn't even let me touch the baby.
How is that win-win? UhI win twice.
We made a deal, and that deal did not include hijacking my body.
Hey, you work, we play.
That's the deal.
Oh, God, I just want to go to college and graduate and do one fucking thing like a normal person.
Why is that so im-fucking-possible? Because you are weak.
Oh, fuck you! What the hell was that? I am not crazy.
I didn't say anything.
You're the one standing there with a lawn-mowing ogre.
That's crazy.
This is for the top of my truck.
"Orgalawn field managers should promote an organic and friendly image within the community.
" How's it going with theFancy book learning? Fine.
Just a frustrating chapter.
You better slow down.
You're gonna wreck something else.
I, uh I can't take the test tomorrow.
Something has crapped! How am I supposed to be fucking zen when a mysterious poo is sitting in my garden of enlightenment? Did you hear the part where I said I can't take the test? I'm sorry.
Mysterious poo is really freaking me out.
I-I really need to slow down.
Things have been a-a little crazy.
And that's why I should give you an extension? I fucked up my car.
I fucked up my sister.
I'm in the process of fucking up my marriage.
So you can't take the test because you're a fuck-up.
I'm having problems with my alters.
Ah, yes your convenient other parts.
Best excuse in the world for fucking up.
I should try it sometime.
I'd love to give them to you.
Do you think our fecal friend got in through this window? '- Cause - I can't get the bastard to close.
What I'm saying is, I-I just really need a few more days, if I don't think so.
Can we please try it my way first? And what would be in it for me? I Will clean out your shit box.
If I take this test, I'm going to fail.
I'm telling you.
At least you've got an excellent excuse.
But I don't want to fail.
Then get your life organized.
Stop blaming things that don't exist and take care of things that do.
Anything else? Hoody hoo! Hoo! Hey, hey, hey.
What's happening, man? Just gathering some essentials for my beloved.
Ow, God! Fuck! Binky between my toes.
Hey, Tara wanted me to bring you this body pillow.
Body pillow.
I will add this to the awesome pile of crap I got to take to the hospital.
How you holding up? Oh, man, I'm exhausted.
Well, welcome to fatherhood.
Am I ever gonna sleep again? Not for 18 years, brother.
Sleep just replaced sex as my favorite thing.
Then you'd better pick a third, 'cause you're not gonna be having much sex either, man.
Why didn't you tell me this nine months ago? God! Fuck! What, ruin the surprise? Binkies everywhere everywhere.
And my house smells like ass and semen.
Ohayou gozaimasu, Katie.
How's Japan? God damn, that was a fast trip.
Please don't.
Are you okay, kiddo? Well, I'm feeling kind of hurt and hung over.
In a"Existential, life has got me down" Crisis kind of way? In a "Tylenol pm, slept on the floor of an airport" kind of way.
And that crisis thing, too.
Come here.
You'll get used to it.
Why can't I do anything right? Oh 'Cause it's a process, Katie Kate.
You just got to feel your way through it.
How long do I have to do this? Till you fart.
I can't believe there are people who actually think that God is a woman.
I know, right? It's Oh, um, they have Some papers for us to sign.
They're not that important.
I could sign them myself for cassandra "wheels" Kowalski? Yeah.
"Cassandra" doesn't sound right, does it? "Wheels"? In actual quotes? I want her to be fast.
And Kowalski? You know what? You got first pick, all right? That means I get next two.
Playground rules.
Everyone knows that.
We have a daughter now.
Don't we? We do.
I love her so fucking much.
Me too.
Let's just pretend that I went to Japan and learned some valuable life lesson.
Well, can we also pretend that your new cousin wasn't ushered into life by my hood ornament? How does that even happen? I mean, now there's this little person.
Well, when a man really likes a woman Oh, no.
Keep going.
I dare you.
Haven't we already had this conversation? Sort of.
Alice did the "birds and the bees" thing, which was very confusing.
Buck did the porn thing, which was also very confusing.
T showed me how to give a blowjob to get out of having sex, which was very helpful.
You share way too much.
But at least you're not pregnant.
I'm not a total fuck-up.
In this room, you're not even in the top five.
Mom, there was this woman at the airport, and she was so confident and secure and everything I'm not.
There is no reason in the world why you can't be just as strong, just as confident, just as purposeful as her or anyone else.
I know.
It's just, why aren't I? Because you're an asshole.
Charm? How you doing? Good.
I saw cassandra in the nursery.
She is Beautiful, charm.
Thank you.
Yeah, and healthy and, um Everything's fine, right? Tara, I don't I mean, everything's, you know, okay, after everything and all, so You know? I don't think I can trust you around my baby.
Oh, you can.
You absolutely can.
You turn into other people, Tara.
I mean, you know, what if what if buck suddenly decides to throw her out the window? Buck would never do that.
He's gonna love wheels.
The name alone the truth is, you don't know what they're gonna do.
You're not in control.
I am.
I am in control, mostly.
Things are different now.
I'm responsible for cassandra's life.
I'm her mom.
I have to be there for her.
I have to look out for her.
You are, and you will.
And I can no.
No, I can I can help.
No! Okay, mama.
Time to turn on the spigots.
I'd like you to go.
I Yeah, of course.
Just don't worry, because everything's gonna be fine.
Everything's gonna be just fine.
You always say that.
And nothing ever changes.
I got you, little Cassie.
Your mommy's got you.
Ahh! Chicago, Boston, Frankfurt, Madrid, and back.
I don't think you or this bag were destined for Japan.
Ray, this bag feels empty.
Wrote a haiku about that.
"German bag checker.
Palpitation, fumbling hands.
Wears Kate's thong at work.
" Vivid imagery.
Lost-property form.
Fill it out, we'll get you some new panties.
Hey, I, uh, I looked up that "flower, bird, wind, moon" thing.
Means "experience the beauties of nature, and in doing so, learn about yourself.
" Hmm.
Flight 346 for Houston connecting to Paris and Rome will be leaving from gate 20.
I would like a flight attendants application, please.
I'm not the guy to talk to for that.
I I thought you said we were gonna put down the books for a while, honey.
Well, I asked for an extension.
The Professor said no.
SoWhat? So I tried to get an extension, just like I tried to talk to Charmaine, and I don't know what else to try, so I'm gonna take the test and try to pass.
Oh, that's yeah, great.
That's, uh, that makes perfect sense.
What? What do you want? School is, like, the one thing that has made me happy in a long, long time.
I mean, everyone's like, "do this, do" hey, what are you doing?! I'm simplifying your life.
That's what I'm doing.
Oh, fantastic.
Why didn't I think of that? Because you got this idea that going to school is gonna change everything.
It is changing things.
It's changing me.
I feel like my life is what? Better? Yeah.
I think it is.
Look at this.
Look at what I'm wearing.
You think I'm doing this for me? I have made sacrifices.
I'm what? "What?" What have you ever done that you didn't want to do? I mean, what have you ever given up, Tara, except, uh, maybe the drugs that were helping you? Oh.
You want me back on the pills.
That's it.
Just drooling in the corner, like a vegetable.
Is that who you want? No.
That's I just want you to be safe.
I want you to do things that make sense, not that areCrazy! You are not such a fucking Saint, are you? Why don't you just Just leave, just Just walk away, like your dad? Because I love you.
Ohh! All of this stops right now right now.
No more selfishness, no more hijacking, no more excuses, and no more passing the buck.
Oh, shut up.
From now on, my life will be organized my life, my liberty, my pursuit of happiness.
These things will bend to my will.
I will be in control me, Tara.
End of story.
I am sick and tired of all the craziness.
This is all your fault, with the drugs and the black music.
Eat me, Stepford.
Buck had the big night out.
I wasn't even hey, I was doin' important stuff.
Just happened to be at a casino.
I, for one, think it's about time you asserted yourself.
It's a wonderful just shut the fuck up! - Ooh! - Tara, you said the "f" word.
Can we just drown her? And the dog? Ow! Fuck! Good, gimme! Fuck you! I have spent far too long babying you all of you.
You act like spoiled brats, and then you leave me holding the bag.
So, we are going to draw up a contract.
All of you will write down what's important to you and what you want out of life, and then I, and I alone, will decide how we go about it.
Don't sound like no democracy to me.
Well, it ain't.
I am dissolving the United States of Tara and declaring myself king.
And if'n y'all don't like it, you can kiss my ass, 'cause I'll go back on the drugs, and you'll go back in the closet.
Well, this sucks.
I need my boozin' time.
I need some tv time.
I swear, no more ladies with us.
That's the important one.
Ba-choo! Pop! I hereby declare my benevolent dictatorship to be in full effect.
Long live the king! * meets me in a field of stone * * she says, "I don't know how I'm supposed to feel" * * my body's cold, my guts are twisted steel * I'm crazy.
* and I feel like I'm some kind of frankenstein * I'm fucking crazy.
* waiting for a shock to bring me back to life * * but I don't want to spend my time * * waiting for lightning to strike * * ooooh *