United States of Tara s03e05 Episode Script

Dr. Hatteras' Miracle Elixir

Previously on "United States of Tara" I'm having problems with my alters.
I fucked up my car.
Tara! It's t! And all eight months of you is in my way, so step aside.
Tell Tara to come back.
I fucked up my sister.
I don't want you in here with the baby, Tara.
Get your life organized.
Stop blaming things that don't exist and take care of things that do.
We have a daughter.
Cassandra "wheels" Kowalski? I want her to be fast.
Flights for Houston connecting to Paris and Rome Will be leaving from gate 20.
I would like a flight attendants application, please.
We can't find any vodka, so Come work with orgalawn.
Sell me your business.
What have you ever done that you didn't want to do? I mean, what have you ever given up, except maybe the drugs that were helping you? All of this stops right now.
No more hijacking.
I am dissolving the United States of Tara, and we are going to draw up a contract.
I need my boozin' time.
Okay.
I need some tv time.
I'm fucking crazy.
So, the woman in administration said if you just sign this, then I'm out.
Which one of you is left-handed? That would be buck.
You're only dropping one class? Well, yours is the only one I've transitioned in.
There's a general psychology class I can take and still graduate, if you just sign right there.
Too late in the semester to drop.
But the woman in administration said If I sign it, which I'm not.
So, there's buck, Alice, chutney Chicken.
Shoshana, Griffin.
Gimme.
Must be the primitive.
And, of course, I've met the resplendent t.
I have been staring at this for over a week.
I put it down.
I pick it all up again.
I'm in the olive garden.
I order crab tortellini.
Catastrophically allergic to crab.
Why do I order it? Because I'm thinking of you.
I have had thoughts.
I want to do a paper on this on you.
Nothing flashy just a dry academic one.
But I think we can help some people.
How would a paper help anyone? Probably won't.
But I am one titillating publication away from escaping from overland park.
And you you could be back on track to getting what it is you want balance, security, peace.
What I want one stroke of the pen an "f" becomes an "a.
" Don't you see what you've got here? You've taken control.
You've dumped the co-op.
You've bought the building.
You chucked the tea in the bay and told the king to fuck off.
Grab a metaphor and come with me on this, Tara.
Look Read this book.
It's about a patient who I helped.
I'm not a lab rat.
No.
You're extraordinary.
This is extraordinary.
I need you to sign my drop form.
And let me think about it.
And no.
Read the book.
How goes it, big guy? Man, for a green company, you guys sure blow through a lot of paper.
That, my friend, is an inconvenient truth.
Want a nip? It's 8:00 in the morning, Larry.
Kind of early for a drink.
Yeah, it's a real problem.
Hey, listen, I'm glad you're here.
Uh, we had a little issue with your time sheet.
Uh, you put in for o.
T.
On the lyman job.
Yeah, 'cause now this clown wants a putting green, so I got to dig up a tree, I got to move the thing, replant it, level out the area fuck the tree.
We budgeted three days.
Cut it down.
Move on to the next job.
Let me just get this straight.
A landscaping company is advocating that I cut down a perfectly healthy tree.
Frankly I don't care what you do with the tree.
Put a dress on it.
Take it to the movies.
I don't give a shit, but you got to move it along, Max.
- Oh, I know.
- I know what you're saying.
You go, "why is the giant coming to steal my poos? "Huh? "They're all I have to offer the world, and you steal my poos!" Well, let me tell you something.
I save every plasma-colored sack, and I take them down to the basement, where I am building a shit golem.
Yes.
He has got a head, he has got a torso, and he has got two arms.
And when he has two legs, he is gonna storm up out of that basement and destroy that pink cd player and that fucking windham hill cd that your mom bought.
Hey.
Neil.
Yes! Front to back.
You're gonna infect your daughter's vag.
Yeah, that was my intention.
Like this.
Oh! Oh! Like that.
Oh, yeah.
* that's how we clean your lady bits and buns * did you see that? I saw that, yes.
Hey, Kate, can you get that? Oh.
Mom.
Daughter.
Stewardess.
Lasagna as peace offering? Oh, it's been a week.
Oh, I don't know.
Too soon.
Charmaine's a little Kate, who is it? It's me! Ugh.
Good luck.
I got to go.
First day of skykans training.
Can't be late.
Oh, I'm so proud of you.
You too.
What for? I don't know.
Something to say.
Love me.
You know I do.
Oh.
I heard her crying.
It's under control.
Thank you.
Well, I made you some lasagna meaty one for Neil, cheesy one for you.
Tara, it's too soon.
* never too soon for lasagna * look, I'm exhausted.
Well, that's why I can help.
No.
Just let me I can't, okay?! It's too much! It's all too much! Well, I-I dropped a cla well, I tried to drop a class.
'Cause you were right.
I fucked it.
And I'm gonna do everything I have to do to make sure Did I hear "lasagna"? Neil.
Have you tried holding her under control! Have you done this before? Oh, yeah.
Four with American.
Six with southwest.
Third time trying here.
What went wrong? I'm getting over a teensy bit of a drug problem.
P.
S If you need to buy some clean urine, my brother Gavin is born-again.
Welcome, new faces and old.
Name tag says "bunny.
" I represent skykans in work and in life.
Hi.
What's your name? Ka don't care.
There are 20 of you here.
In a few days, there will be four.
Too wide.
Too stupid.
Too many things to mention.
Take your things.
Go home.
The rest of you, let's get crackin'.
You know, I really think I like the orgalawn way.
Oh.
Um I will fix that.
Yeah, you will.
Where'd you get the tree? Some jerk-off wanted to put in a putting green.
Larry wanted me to cut it down, so I stole it.
How'd everything go with that teach? Did you get the drop form? No.
He is so bizarre.
He now has this idea that we should work together.
He said he'd give me an "a.
" He's basically blackmailing me.
He's such a jerk.
He just sat there, waving his stupid book around with this messianic glow in his eye, like I'm gonna jump at the chance to be his new cover girl.
Fuck him and his book.
I'm not reading it.
I mean, is he being straight with me? How was your day? My day was exactly the same as every other employee of orgalawn.
She has no idea what to do with that baby.
I woke to the birdsong of the babe, and I thought, "why don't I take our little scrumpet for a walk?" Fresh air and sunshine nature's recipe for a hale and hearty child.
- Alice, please - ugh, just I'm busy.
You need nursing pads in your bra.
Then again, you need to wear a bra, or those breasts are going to look like those poor women in biafra.
Alice, we've been through this.
I want you out of my home.
Just because you have issues with your sister, Charmaine, doesn't mean I should be penalized.
Alice, you are my sister.
We have a written contract now.
I get the body when you and the baby need me.
Clearly, this is a moment when you I don't need you! What part are you not getting? We will never need you.
So cruel, keeping this baby from us when it's t who should be punished.
I don't care if it was t or you or Tara! I have had it up to here with all of you! Guys, God sakes, would you knock it off?! Certain appliances are particularly effective for soothing a crying baby.
It mimics the sound the dear things hear in the womb.
Toodle-pip.
Lionel, the only reason we made that film was to prove a point to Mr.
kern.
And I'm sorry if you disagree with this, but I don't think it's film-festival material.
I'm with Marshall.
It was a lark, a goof.
Rory, I know it's boring sitting there with your head stuck in a birdcage, but please butt out.
I broke my neck.
You guys are taking this way too seriously.
I'm talking about entering a high-school film festival.
I was in a coma.
Why would you guys shit on a chance to ditch school and go to New York? I'm practically a robot.
You don't want to go to New York for the movie.
You just want to wake up on a dirty futon with a sudanese cab driver and Mario cantone.
Ugh.
Give me a little credit.
Holy shit.
David lynch is gonna be on the judging panel.
See what I mean? The guy who directed "blue velvet" is gonna be judging our work.
We need to make a film that is original and and personal.
Here's the scoop.
We've got less than a month to enter, so unless one of you geniuses has a brilliant idea you've been holding back, we either go with the movie we made or we don't go at all.
W-wait, you're my ride.
I don't fit in regular cars.
I guess I should go.
Don't.
Good afternoon.
Can I help you? Uh Yeah, I was gonna ask you if your wife's in, but judging from your size, maybe I should give you some context first in case you want to punch me in the head.
I am Jack hattaras, Tara's Professor, which might give you even more reason to want to punch me in the head.
Hi.
Uh, what what do you want? Well, I've been trying to get through to her.
She won't answer my calls.
The way I see it, unless you sign her drop form, you two don't really have anything to talk about.
Okay.
Tell her to come 'round the office tomorrow.
I'll sign it.
Meantime, give her this.
What's this? Her "declaration of co-dependence," if you like.
That's a clean, typed-out version, which is easier to read.
There are some missing fragments in the t and shoshana articles, but that's probably the text she committed to her body.
Wha to her body? What do you what do you mean? You know, the "perched on the desk, "scribbling, scribbling, muttering, writing up her arm, gargling with ink" bit? What do you what do you want with her? I think I can help her.
But I thought you didn't believe in d.
I.
D.
I don't, which seems to put me in the unique position of being able to study Tara's condition from a fresh perspective.
But if it is not to be, it is not to be.
Thank you very much.
Very nice to meet you.
You're very tall.
I'll be in my office tomorrow if I'm needed for, uh, signing purposes or "punching in the head" purposes.
Passengers are vermin.
If someone has a pulse and a lump of coal in place of their soul, they will be on your flight.
We need to prepare.
I'm gonna be awful to you.
That's the whole point of the role play, so Can I get you anything cold beverage, tea, coffee? Wash your hands, stewardess! I can still smell the co-pilot all over your fingers, sky waitress.
What?! W-why are my fingers all over the co-pilot in this scenario? For attention.
Your looks will be gone in 10 years.
And then what back to Internet porn? I told you that in confidence, you little bitch.
Coke? Water? You're going nowhere, loser.
I'm going to rip out your extensions! It's called a weave! Okay, that was fun.
Now you do me.
I say you are a fool.
This isn't gonna get us to New York.
It's the same scene over and over again two people talking, tension, and then carnage.
Well, it works for Tarantino.
Well, it's not okay to rip somebody off just because Tarantino does it.
- Hello! - Anyone home? Hello, Alice.
Oh.
Hello, there, Marshall.
And who is this fine young man? UmThis is Noah.
Noah, this is Alice.
She's one of my mom's right.
Alice.
Oh, my goodness.
What is that on the tv? Doesn't have a title yet.
Right now, we're calling it "human remains of the day.
" Oh, no.
Can you get us something to eat, Alice? We're we're starving.
Oh, of course.
How 'bout a snack tray and a pitcher of sweet tea? Back in a jiff.
Was that weird? Eh Think I can take it from here.
Oh, Tara.
Of course.
Uh, the tea is in the fridge, and don't forget to cut the crusts off.
All the vitamins are in the white part.
I'll do that.
And thank you for letting me have a few extra hours.
You're a peach.
Hey.
You got your papers.
That's, uh That's some pretty wild stuff.
You read all this? Well, the typed part.
I mean, your Professor thinks it's some, like, big breakthrough.
When did you talk to hattaras? He came by the house.
What?! Oh, my God.
That is completely out of line.
Well, he said you wouldn't return his calls.
Right in an effort not to talk to him.
Geez.
So, what you wrote this during your exam? Yeah.
I mean, it's crazy, but LikeMeaningful.
There are rules about when and where the alters can take over the body and ways of opening channels of communication and punishment for those who go against the agreement.
It's the first time I've ever had anything close to this kind of system in place.
He thinks he can help.
I do not want his help.
Why not? Because I don't trust him.
Well, what's the alternative? We just keep on going like this and hope for something magical to happen and you get better? Max I mean, come on.
The kids are gonna be out of the house in two years.
It's just gonna be us.
AndI want to know is it gonna be me and you, or is it gonna be me and you and you and you and you stop it.
Okay, let me ask you this what if I do it? What if I work with hattaras and nothing gets better? What if there's no fixing me? What you have in front of you, you've all seen before big bag, small opening.
That was her nickname in high school.
Get it in there.
You're out.
It's impossible.
She wants you to struggle.
You're out.
You're out.
You're out.
You're out.
The bag is a little large for our plane, ma'am.
We'll tag it, put it in the belly, and have it waiting for you on the tarmac when we arrive.
Out.
God damn it! Hello? Dear God, make it stop before I kill them both.
Where's the fucking pacifier? Who are you talking to? My mom.
Shut up so I can hear her.
Uh, you check her diaper? You feed her? Yes.
We're desperate.
We're not stupid.
Did you try burping her? Did you burp her? Yes, I burped her.
I fed her.
I burped her again.
I ran the vacuum, the hairdryer.
I-I bounced, danced, God damn it! Swayed, hummed, sang.
I gave her a bath.
I held her close.
I laid her down.
I even killed a goat and made an offering to Satan.
Nothing fucking works! She sounds colicky to me.
Yeah, I know.
She always curses like that.
You know, this would be a hell of a lot easier if I could actually touch the baby or at least see her.
Take her out in the back yard.
Uh, fresh air? No, mom.
We haven't tried that yet.
Okay.
Just get her sitting down.
Charm, sit down.
Get the whole out-of-doors experience.
All right, now lay the baby on her lap.
Okay, put the baby on your lap.
On the lap.
Yeah.
Like this? Yes.
No.
No.
No.
Stomach down.
Upside down.
Upside down.
Flip her over.
Like a pancake.
Flip what?! Like a okay, I'm bringing her inside.
- No, ch - Charmaine Sit down.
Please, justTrust me.
Shh, shh, shh, shh, shh.
Okay, okay, okay.
Okay, now lay her across your lap, stomach down.
That's it.
Support her neck.
Now just Rub her back a little.
There you go.
Nice and easy.
Tha thanks, mom.
Thank you.
Anytime.
These chips are so addicting.
Go get it.
What? I just want one.
Come on.
Go get one.
Okay, so I didn'tRealize you had company.
Uh, yeah.
We're just, uh, you know W-what the fuck is going on here? What? Nothing.
Bullshit.
Something's going on with you two.
No, there isn't.
Yes, there is.
Noah, thank you for the honesty, and fuck you for fucking my boyfriend.
We're not actually and, Marshall, just Fuck you.
Lionel I'm a big boy.
And I'm nobody's third.
So if it's all right with you two, I'm just gonna finish the movie on my own.
I'm taking the camera.
What the hell was that?! I don't lie.
It's kind of a rule.
Which, unfortunately, means that you have to hear this I don't like jazz.
Tough shit.
I do.
I guess New York is out of the question.
You're the one who said we should make something personal, which means we have two choices.
We could either make a movie about how complicated it is living with your mother or We could make a movie about how much I masturbate.
Okay, a few rules and yes boundaries.
One my house is my house.
Do not come unless invited, which will probably never happen.
Two no charity, no free grades.
I want to stay in the class, and I want a make-up exam.
Three be less of an asshole! Four I don't really have a four right now, but I am reserving the right to make one and a fifth and a sixth and as many as I need.
So You give me one last good reason why I should do this.
His name is Jeremiah, and he hadn't left his room in over two years afraid that if he went outside, he would, quite literally, lift off and float away like a common kite.
Today, he lives in London, drives cabs, dates women, and visits his mum every Sunday.
I don't want to visit my mom.
What I'm saying is that I have assisted more severe cases than yours, and I'm very, very good at what I do.
Okay.
So how would this work? We would meet regularly, something regimented with a set end date.
We would continue to explore the work you've already done.
I will form it into a paper that will be published and enjoyed by nobody for generations to come.
What would you write? You don't even believe in d.
I.
D.
Then dazzle me, Tara.
Thank you.
And fuck you.
Has anything changed since you scribed your little treatise? Alice gave me back the body.
JustHanded it right back to me in the kitchen.
Just as you assigned in the document.
Right.
Do you think it's just a fluke, or will they all actually give me back to me when I need it? I am as curious as you are to find out.
Rory Roll camera.
Action! Much appreciated, Cavanaugh.
Hey.
Now, if it pleases you, go and draw my bath.
Hi.
Good morrow, Mr.
macilvaney.
I'm submitting the movie.
I'll put your name on the credits as co-writer and producer.
Don't bother.
I say you are a fool and a charlatan.
So, how far have you gone dick in hand Dick in mouth Dick in we kiss.
Lovely.
It's $180.
I'll get the rest to you by next week.
What's that for? I want the camera.
You can check one out from Mr.
kern.
I liked you.
I liked you, too.
Can I go now? I don't care what you do, trainee.
"Kate.
" I'll remember it if you last.
Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen.
We've now hit our cruising altitude of 30,000 feet.
Your tomato juice, sir.
I'm gonna keep the "fasten seatbelt" sign on just a little longer whoa! Oh, my God.
Welcome to skykans.
Lasagna was good.
Hi.
Neil's napping.
He's snoring.
He snores really loud.
Cassie's never seen the inside of your house.
Do you Want to show her? I don't know.
You want to show her? Yeah.
* you're my friend * you did this.
* we'll stick together till the end * * what else is there for a buddy to do * * but stick around with you? * * and I know that it's hard * * to be like you are * * I want you to know * * I'll be there, you won't fall apart * * and I want you to know * * ohhhh * * I'll be with you * * ohhhh * * I'll be with you *