UnREAL (2015) s04e03 Episode Script

Wild Card

1 "Passport to Dance.
" Alexi's gonna host it.
It's our very own "Everlasting" date.
We have a deal.
I suck you.
You bring me coke.
This is disgusting.
[SNORTS] Candi Coco is a single mom stripper.
She's not who she says she is.
Take your hands off me.
You're nothing but cheap American white trash.
You and Maya, there's like a bunch of rumors out there.
Maya was too drunk to consent.
You need to get in front of this right now.
Candi, the way Rodrigo spoke to you was inexcusable.
I just can't stand idly by and allow Candi or any woman to be victimized while everyone else just looks the other way.
I'm pregnant.
It always should have been this way.
Some women are not meant to be mothers, and you're one of them.
This is about my family, and that's not you.
That's why you didn't want Alexi to come back.
Thank God you saved Jack.
To hell with being a producer.
You're the suitress.
Is puzzle boy part of your bang-a-thon? Are you absolutely sure he's the father? Because you're a lot more pregnant than you think.
EYELASH GIRL: The key is to apply the lashes on your actual lashes and not on your eyelid.
So, first thing's first, I'm going to take the lashes out of the packaging Damn it.
along the lash band.
See? It's easy.
I'm going to apply the glue just directly to the lash band Now that your lashes are on, go out there and have a great day.
Oh, Rachel! Rachel! You have to help me.
I have to find a way to make things up to Candi.
Listen, you're with Noelle.
It's fine.
Trust me.
It's okay.
- MAN: Hey, Rodrigo, how you doin'? - I promise you.
I promise.
Well, look at you.
Picking up where we left off? - What? You have a problem with that? - No.
I want you.
- But listen.
- Yeah.
I don't want you to get in trouble.
No.
We're not.
We're not.
It's fine.
I promise you.
- You sure? - Yeah, yeah, yeah.
We have to do this, okay? We're doing it.
- Okay.
- Hey, look, I figured out a way to make today's challenge all about your hammocks.
- Really? - Yeah.
That's amazing.
Thank you.
I mean, that's what girlfriends do, right? Rachel You know what I mean.
- Okay, I'll see you later.
- Okay.
So, August again? Now we know where all those hammocks came from.
Ordered straight from the Woke White Dude Superstore.
I wouldn't mind having a piece of that stock.
And all it took was a couple of chatty sleepovers.
Yeah, well, you know, we ran out of things to say.
I'm pretty sure getting guys to sleep with you - has never been a problem.
- Thanks.
Question is, do you have a second act? Can you get them to stick? This is next level, Goldberg.
Train wreck time.
Dude, I'm already mentally spending your bonus.
You know what I'm thinking? I'm thinking leather.
It's gonna go great with the diamond.
Not happening.
[GASPS] Oh, my God.
Seriously? Wow, four hours after you screwed, from a guy with no cellphone.
Hey, nerds.
Flowers are mine.
Oh, "Break a leg on 'Passport to Dance.
' Love, Fiona and the rest of us at VCN.
" What can I say, little people? Early buzz is just crazy! That's right, tonight's premiere is huge! "Passport to Dance" is critics' number-one must-watch new show, thanks to Jay's sexy-as-shit ad campaign.
Check this out.
Hmm.
You hear that? That's the sound of America's panties dropping! Okay, Alexi's star meter is through the roof, which means gonzo ratings.
So, I would like the entire episode of "Everlasting" to be a cross-promotion with the "Passport" premiere.
Challenge, date, everything.
No.
Mnh-mnh.
We already have the hammock toss prepped and ready to go.
So, change it.
We're going to have 10 million "Passport" viewers sitting on their asses eating chicken nuggets with six dipping sauces.
So, it would be a shame to let that go to waste.
Works for me.
Right? And besides, it has to be a dance challenge, alright, because this is time for the big Candi reveal.
Everybody knows that she's not who she says she is.
The question is, who is she? Another episode all about Candi? I mean, seriously, Quinn, why do you think all the women hate her? So, let them hate her more.
Oh, great.
More hate.
Hey, we have to ahead of the media on this one.
The reveal has to be ours and it has to be noisy.
Not a problem.
I got some ideas.
Look at you! Mr.
Gold Star! Can we all just try to be a little bit more like Tommy? No.
Alright, make your noise, Game Boy.
What are you doing? I thought we were on the same team.
Something happened between you guys and I'm not getting in the middle of it.
- Nothing happened.
- Quinn's a force of nature.
And she signs my paychecks.
QUINN: Rachel! And she also signs yours.
Look, I understand we have a difference of opinion regarding my personal choices.
We do.
But we also have a show to produce.
So, I'm going to put my feeling aside and help you with Candi.
Just keep our personal and professional lives separate you can do your thing, I can do my thing.
No judgement.
Does that mean I can't say anything about those lashes? Yep.
And I can't say anything about your picture-perfect family, 'kay? So, do you have sisters or were you just born with a raised consciousness? Which idea do you like more? [WOMEN GIGGLE] SOFIA: I wish Alexi had made that speech.
Come on, it's just common sense, ladies.
Rachel, this is sickening.
I can't take it anymore.
I've got to tell the truth about who Roger really is.
Just take a breath for one second.
You just need to build yourself up.
We want all of America behind you when we take that monster down.
You know, the best way to do that, I'm telling you, is August.
- August? - Yes.
He was gone most of the night and he was probably with somebody else.
Oh, my God, what are you talking about? No way.
He's a good guy.
I think he gets that you're feeling, like, a little bit fragile and he just wanted to give you some space.
- Really? - Yes! Yes! Oh, my God, he's not one of those asshole guys who just, like, wants to jump in bed with you and completely forgets your name later.
You know who I'm talking about.
[CHUCKLES] Yes, I do.
He's all yours.
[DOOR OPENS] CHET: Well, I have outdone even myself.
Prenatal vitamins that match your blood type.
What, vampire? Mm.
Hey, in there, whoever you are, whatever you are.
We love you.
We already love you.
Okay, okay.
That's enough.
Stop, stop, stop, Chet, alright? [CLEARS THROAT] Uh, we aren't having this baby.
Why? What happened? Are you bleeding? No, okay.
It's just, uh, I need you to look at this picture.
That is not a five week old fetus.
Okay.
The doctor said that I probably got pregnant before you and I got back together.
Back when I was with August.
The hammock guy.
You were with him.
Yes.
So, I will make the appointment.
You don't have to come with me.
It's not my first time at the rodeo.
No, no, no, no.
You don't need to make an appointment.
Who needs my ancient, autism-causing sperm? August is like what the Greeks had in mind when they created the Greek gods.
[CHUCKLES] A-Are you seriously okay with this? I'm more than okay.
August is like the perfect sperm donor.
I'll be the dad.
Well, I hope August feels the same way after he finds out.
He won't.
What are you talking about? This is our child, Quinn.
And August never needs to know.
- This is a nice place.
- Wow, look at this place.
- Oh, my God.
It looks so real.
- It's so nice.
- Hey.
[CHUCKLES] - I just love that you hand-picked non-threatening PTSD girl to be your boyfriend's fake girlfriend.
Maya picked him.
I had nothing to do with it.
You know, I hate to admit it, this actually looks pretty good.
Thanks.
- Hey.
Hey, Jay.
Hi, guys.
- Hi.
- I have some ideas about the script.
- Yeah, later, later.
Turn on the charm and teach these women how to dance.
So, take off your shirt and get out there.
Right.
Enjoy.
Five, six, seven And one, two, step, step - Hey, uh, listen, Candi Coco.
- Uh-huh? I know this whole superfan thing has been hard.
No, it hasn't been that hard.
But tonight you get to reveal the real you.
Candi Coco, superstar.
Got it? Come on.
This is my jam.
I mean, do J-Lo's producers bust her balls right before a show? I doubt it.
J-Lo doesn't need balls.
She's J-Lo.
[SCOFFS] Going in, Tommy.
Fire and brimstone.
Like we planned.
Hey.
Hey.
What is going on? You said noisy.
Noelle's gotta think this is her night before we get Candi to steal the show.
[CHUCKLES] Ohh.
This is gonna be fun.
- Hey.
- Hey, Rachel.
Well, hey, are you okay? Oh, my God, I thought you'd be on cloud nine after spending the night with Rodrigo.
Mm, well, he spent the entire time talking about Candi and how humiliated he is.
You broke Rodrigo.
Listen to me.
I did not break Rodrigo.
Candi did.
Yeah, she is the one that started this.
You need to get back out there and show her who's boss.
Didn't you do that, um, that dance camp, right? Paul Taylor Dance Camp? What was it, the summer of your junior year? Yeah.
I was a soloist.
Exactly.
This is your night.
You got it.
You're going to crush it.
Ugh, finally a Graham I can look at.
Tonight, on this very stage of VCN's new show, "Passport to Dance", we're gonna explore the culture and beauty of the South Pacific.
So we have brought our "Everlasting" all-stars to the dance floor to have a little competition.
Behind this scrim, seen only in silhouette, each of our ladies will be performing a beautiful dance.
The men, of course, will be voting not knowing who's who.
Because you see this is not a popularity contest, my friends.
This is about talent.
What friends? Does he even have any friends? Doubt it.
The loser, of course, will be going home.
But the winner of tonight's challenge will be the guest judge on "Passport to Dance".
Guest judge? Nice touch, Matrix.
Cross-promotion, like you said.
Very smart.
You're listening.
Um, you mind? I just know what's coming.
- Oh, really? - Yep.
Looks like someone's balls have dropped.
Be my guest.
Cue Noelle.
Oh, that smile's not gonna last long.
Okay, you know what? Enough with this everybody thinks they can dance crap.
I've seen it on five other networks.
Where is my Candi? Get ready, everybody.
Here we go.
Just wait until you see what's up that palm tree.
Ah, one more left, boys.
- Yeah! - Ooh-hoo-hoo.
[CHEERS] - Whoo! - Move your body, baby! [CHEERS] I taught her that.
[CHEERS CONTINUE] Is that Candi? Hey, you know how much core strength that takes? Did he seriously just say "core strength"? [CHEERS CONTINUE] - I love it! - Bang that pole! Whoo! Uh, no, no, no.
This is objectification of women, boys.
She's someone's daughter.
- Come on.
- Alright, take it down a notch, ballsack.
[CHEERS AND WHISTLES] Yes! Yes! My stripper queen! Cue the pin.
[CHEERS AND WHISTLES] - Are you seeing this?! - Come on, Candi! - Whoo! - Whoo-hoo-hoo! - And the winner is, Coco! - Me, for thinking of this! Good for you.
Oh, please.
I gave you all the ingredients.
Just because you baked the cake doesn't mean you win a medal.
Candi Coco will be the guest judge - on "Passport to Dance" tonight! - [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] Rachel, what the heck? That was supposed to be me! I know, I am so pissed.
Quinn has kept me totally in the dark about this.
I had no idea.
This is exactly the kind of crap that this show creates.
You know something? She's right.
She's right, this was supposed to be your night, and you should go out there, and you should get it back.
- Alright, alright.
- Go.
Get out there.
No, I'm telling you, this is your night.
Alright, cameras up.
They're going in.
[INDISTINCT CONVERSATION] What the hell, Candi? Oh, I'm so sorry, chiquitas.
It looks like I won that round.
Clearly, she's proud of herself.
Yes, why wouldn't I be? I am the number one pole dancer in Miami-Dade County, and I just put myself in the national conversation.
Hello, America.
My name is Candi Coco.
I am a stripper from Miami.
Hi, Coco! This whole thing is rigged.
Yeah, what are you even doing on this show, anyway? Actually, I think you're awesome, and I wanna know where you studied.
Are you kidding? Shut up, Skye.
- Thanks, girl.
- Skye, we are all in this for love, not fame.
NOELLE: Ladies, ladies, it's fine.
It's just less competition for us.
There's no way any guy on the show will want to date you now that they know you take your clothes off for money.
Okay, yeah, yeah, I get it.
You think that only bad guys date strippers, right? But let me tell you something about reality, Noelle Time out.
We're about to get wisdom from a stripper.
Yes, you are.
So listen up.
I'm gonna tell you something, okay? Nice guys, they love strippers.
Those cute guys that you wanna marry - Wow, where'd this come from? - Who cares? It's great.
gold necklace just out of nowhere, just 'cause.
Well, guess what? Those guys, they want to get laid, too.
And when they come face to face with a beautiful, empowered woman who owns her sexuality and knows what it's worth, instead of some castrating bitch, who just wants to lock him up in a cage all day and put him on a cholesterol-free diet and harvest his sperm and his money, you wanna know how that bro feels? He feels free.
And powerful.
Like a real man.
Okay, but even if you got a guy from this show, America would never vote for you.
You really need to get out more, because guess what? Shaking your booty for money is about as all-American as it gets.
Yes! I salute you, Coco! I'm out.
Oh, she is incredible.
This is better than I could have ever imagined.
It's like a rallying cry for women everywhere.
And you're welcome.
Dude, you should be ecstatic.
This is so much more than just a stripper reveal.
Your girl is changing the national conversation.
Oh, I'm ecstatic.
Also, I want you to get rid of August.
What? I want him cut.
My show, my rules.
I want him gone tonight.
Okay? WOMAN: Okay, everybody.
Let's go on the "Passport to Dance" changeover.
Hey, your boy Alexi came to me, saying he has notes on his script? Wants me to change the cue cards? He came to you? We are not changing the script.
It's stet.
Hey, that was cool.
Anyway, I'll catch you later, man.
Hey, um, can I talk to you for one second? Yeah, hey.
[SIGHS] What's going on? Look, um I don't know what's happening, but Quinn wants you cut.
What? - Yeah.
- R-Rachel, why? I'm sure that this has nothing to do with you and everything to do with me.
I mean, I mean, I'm sure that she can probably tell that things getting serious between us - and she can't stand - Hang on, so, I might get cut because from the show because of something between you and Quinn? Don't worry.
I'm not going to let it happen.
No, Rachel.
Maybe I should just talk to her, okay? Look, I've got investors banking on this.
Being here is it's really important to me.
I know.
It's like really important to us.
Okay, I got it.
I promise.
Um, just give me one second.
Let me figure this out.
Um Maya.
Hi.
Sweetie.
I just need to get a shot of you and August in the hammock together Sorry, sweetie.
Uh, August, if I could get the two of you in this hammock right now.
Rachel, what are you doing? We got to get everyone dressed.
Can you please just give me, like, five minutes? And go get Sandro, please? Yeah, that'd be great.
You went to Tommy? He doesn't even work on "Passport to Dance.
" And you're not a writer, Alexi.
You read what's on the cards.
End of discussion.
Wait a second.
So I have no voice? I didn't hire you for your voice.
[DOOR SLAMS] [SNIFFLES] [SNORTS] You guys are America's sweethearts, you know? You're the one that everyone's rooting for.
- Alright.
- Okay.
Okay, so, um, Maya, maybe you could just like nuzzle up to him a little bit, - you know, like - How's that? Yeah.
- [LAUGHTER] - I don't know.
I'm covered in a plant - Rachel, what the hell's this? - Hmm? I'm just trying to keep your dead-man-walking on the show.
Wh Excuse me? Hey, guys.
Yeah, no, great.
We got everything we need.
You guys were perfect.
Thank you very much.
- We need to talk.
- What? You sent Chet to do your dirty work? I mean, the guy practically threatened me.
He insisted I cut August.
- What are you talking about? - You can't help yourself.
You're always trying to sabotage me.
What is it, Quinn? You think I can't do my job unless I'm miserable? No! I didn't even it's [SIGHS] Chet and I thought that August's story was played out.
But you clearly have found something with him and Maya, so just forget about Chet.
I knew you weren't you okay with this.
[SIGHS] Come with me.
You went behind my back and told Rachel to cut August? Why didn't you just tell me that you couldn't handle it? That's not what this is about.
Oh, bullshit.
You are threatened and insecure.
Why don't you drill down a little deeper? A perfect male specimen got into your pants and left a baby growing inside of you.
Now I'm supposed to be cool with that? No! But you told me you were.
Which is the only reason why I thought we could move forward with this.
You know what? Maybe I don't want to wake up every day and think about the fact that August is 20 years younger than me.
That by the time his toddler is getting up to walk for the first time, I'll be getting my first knee replacement.
That by the time he graduates college, I'll probably be dead.
Yeah, you could call me threatened.
You could also call me human.
You could give me a minute to walk through my own shit until I get it right.
I've been waiting for you to get your shit right since the day we met.
And you led me to believe that this was our moment, that we were in this together.
But obviously I was wrong, because you are not ready.
Unfair.
Not true.
Maybe unfair, but definitely true.
No.
[SCOFFS] The truth is you're even more unsure than I am.
Difference is, I'm willing to admit it.
I don't need insecure.
I need solid.
And you know, I don't I-I don't need any of this, alright? I have two shows to run.
What's the problem? We're five minutes out.
I've gotta get to the control room.
Hey, you.
Hey, you, look.
I told you.
I'm not wearing this.
It's stupid costume.
You see, it's insult to me.
Are you kidding me? We discussed it 10 times.
This is the costume, okay? It looks great.
You look amazing.
You take the stamp and you take the pen thing, and you do what we rehearsed for the opening number.
You do not hear me.
Your ideas do not work.
My ideas was better since the beginning! Alexi.
We do not have time for this.
It's a live show.
Do you understand? I understand very much.
I'm Alexi Petrov.
I was principal dancer at IBT Oh, my God! Stop being such a diva and put on the damn jacket! I see what you're doing.
Parade me in my underwear, make me circus animal.
I am not show pony.
No, now you're a reality dance show host.
Oh, really?! Always my shirt off! Showing me off for gays like chorus boy.
Jesus, Alexi, just put the jacket Take your hands off me, fairy! I'm the fairy? Nobody deep throats like that their first time, chorus boy.
So you get out there, and dance like the low-life, no-good, ugly-ass gay-for-pay animal we both know you truly are.
Break a leg.
Wow, Madison.
Nice to see you're keeping things above the line.
Hi.
I'm here covering the new show for the network.
I think I'll take some pictures for Fiona.
Madison? Really? Hey, I'm doing this for us.
Some of it I'm doing for me.
There's no reason I can't enjoy my job.
Oh, good, the network's here.
Hello to you, too, Quinn.
I don't want to stress you out, but Fiona has a lot riding on this show.
Oh, well, if she has so much riding on it, then why did she send her flying monkey? She's watching the live feed from New York, with the board.
Great.
Well, at least somebody can enjoy the show - while having a drink.
- Where's Chet? Oh, he bailed like a pussy.
Oh, yes.
Here we go.
Countdown to destiny.
Are you ready? Damn straight.
Alright.
We're going to have a hit show.
Here we go.
Take it.
Okay, people, let's do this.
Places everyone.
Let's get this party started.
I can't sit here.
I'm the girlfriend.
The star's girlfriend.
I can't be shoved in the middle.
Why not? Because I need to be in the front or in the aisle or something, so if he wants to kiss me, he can.
Or if he wants to bring me on stage.
Oh, my God.
Hey, hand me that.
- Thank you.
- Here.
ANNOUNCER: Good evening, and welcome to "Passport to Dance.
" Is it really gonna be this dark in here the whole time? Nobody's gonna be able to see us.
Say "Hello" to tonight's judges.
From New York City, creator of the hit Broadway musical - "Get Dancin'", Gloria Gonzales.
- [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] I saw that.
It's actually really good.
From London, England, hip-hop phenomenon Tristani Bell.
He's amazing.
From Miami, Florida, our "Everlasting" all-star special guest, Candi Coco! [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] Oh, look how they love her.
She's a fake who's here to make a tabloid name for herself.
- We are the true all-stars.
- Yeah.
There we go.
Yes, yes.
Look at that.
A star is born.
That is money smiling on you.
And now the star of "Passport to Dance", Alexi Petrov! [WHISPERING] What's happening? Why Why Why is he not talking? This is not "Passport to Mime.
" This is a live show.
Does he not know this is live? Come on, Alexi.
[MUTTERS] Dance comes to us from all over the world.
But before we start our journey, let me stamp our "Passport to Dance.
" That's stupid.
What is he doing? He can't do that.
[AUDIENCE GASPS] What is he doing? Okay, what's next? Our step dancers from Galway? Nyet, nyet, nyet.
Where's our sexy belly dancer from Egypt? Where is she?! Come on, do it, do it! Wh What is he doing? JAY: Oh, my God.
I don't know what he's doing.
What is that? This is on live television.
- This is an end-of-days fail.
- I know, Quinn.
Let's just cut to commercial.
We can regroup, figure this out.
No! John, hey, can you just give Candi the line to read? [WHISPERING] We need you to take care of this.
CANDI: All the way from Punjab, India, please welcome the Bhangra Four.
QUINN: John, get him off stage.
Are you serious? Are you serious? Don't even touch me! Okay, I'm going! I thought you had this handled.
Do I have to do everything myself? Can I not count on anyone ever? - What did you say to him? - Alexi is impossible.
He has had zero respect for this show since day one.
Well, that is on you! You are the EP.
And if anything goes wrong, it is your fault! - Quinn? - What?! It's Fiona.
It's for you.
[CLEARS THROAT] Fiona.
[LAUGHS] Yeah, I know.
I know.
Yeah.
Jay said that he had a handle on his talent, so I'm just gonna step right in and fix it.
Yeah, well, don't worry.
He is never going to go near another walkie again.
So, the show looks like a hit and you take all the credit, the show bombs and it's all on me? Welcome to Hollywood.
You shit the bed, the least you can do is clear the way for me to clean it up.
Okay, everybody.
The bitch is back.
Alexi's an international superstar, eccentric, unpredictable, that's why the "Everlasting" fans love him.
Hold on.
Alexi cannot get cut tonight, okay? Rehabbing his image on "Everlasting" is how we keep "Passport to Dance" from a quick, ugly death.
So do not screw up again, Jay.
Already on it.
Hey.
Listen, I can help you with Alexi, if you want.
I'm still a producer on this show, Rachel.
I can handle my own shit.
Hey.
- Hey.
- Tonight was so crazy, huh? Well, at least one good thing happened.
August and I made a real connection.
Okay, you guys were together in the hammock for like five seconds.
I wouldn't send out save-the-dates quite yet.
Okay, okay, fine.
But we just couldn't stop talking.
I mean, he really gets how weird this place is.
And then, he kissed me.
[GIGGLES] - What? - Yes! It was amazing.
I mean, this could really be something.
Thank you so much, Rachel.
Oh, thank you! [GIGGLES] Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Oh, my God, your guy was outrageous tonight.
No, he's not my guy anymore.
I'm gonna dump his crazy ass.
- What? - I'm a villain.
What kind of villain would I be if I stood by him after he tanked his own show, right? Oh.
Okay, yeah.
I mean, cool.
I knew you were going for bitch this season, I just didn't realize it was basic bitch.
Wait, what are you talking about? Come on, girl.
Dumping Alexi now is just, like, so predictable.
You want to be a real bad girl? Well, then we can talk.
I don't know what else to tell you, 'cause you're not listening.
Ugh.
[SCOFFS] Damn vultures.
Entertainment journalism is an oxymoron.
What if we give OH NO! WEEKLY an exclusive, behind-the-scenes story of what happened on the PTD premier with the promise that they get first look - at the rest of the series? - Oh, great plan, except I don't know if anybody cares what happened out there.
Not even me.
They will if we call it the "Hidden Story of 'Everlasting' Season 15.
" Okay, Alexi was strung out on coke.
We worked with Serena to cut him as soon as we found out so that he could quietly enter rehab.
And we protected his privacy, remember? Yeah, big time dancer with drug problems relapses right before his big premiere.
Struggling to maintain his sobriety in front of and behind the camera.
Sex, drugs.
Triggers everywhere.
Poor hunk of a guy just trying to keep his head.
- And his six-pack above water.
- [LAUGHS] Alright.
So I will just Rachel.
It's my job.
[KNOCKING] - [SIGHS] - Hey, how'd it go? I scanned through all of last season's archives, found some great footage of Alexi looking coked out of his mind.
Nice.
I may have also shot an insert of a big pile of coke.
Or was it baking soda? Hm, no more Mr.
Compliance, huh? Good job with the puppy.
You got him to stop peeing on the carpets.
Puppy's got teeth.
- [CELLPHONE VIBRATES] - Oh.
Oh, go, go, go, go.
Um, yes, hi, Maggie.
Well, you're too late.
OH NO's got the exclusive.
Rachel, we've got to talk about Candi.
I know she was Quinn's "Hail Mary", but she's killing it.
And Madison let it slip that she's Fiona's favorite character.
Madison.
Real head for business on that one.
Oh, come on, we can use Candi.
Maybe not for romance.
She thinks she's above all these dudes.
But she's TV gold.
You know it.
- Hey, Candi.
Hey, hi.
- Hey, what's up, girl.
I just want to tell you that, um, that speech that you gave earlier? I thought it was really right-on.
I thought it was really feminist.
It was dope.
But you know, you have like a little bit of a situation on your hands with Quinn and Chet.
You are out of your mind, Blondie.
I am their star.
Okay, well, that reveal, that was their big play.
They're out of story for you on "Everlasting".
No, no, no, I'm sorry.
I am the story, so, no.
No, um, you and August are the story.
What? The Aussie-Abercrombie model? He talks a lot about Africa for a white guy.
Yeah, he can bring you a whole different demo.
You want me to get to serious about a guy who goes looking for love on a reality show? Twice? No.
Well, it'd just be on camera.
You know, he's, um he's otherwise occupied.
Oh, okay, I get it.
Uh-huh.
So, you want me to do you a favor.
Look, I'm just trying to keep you on the show.
Hey, Miss Coco, we really need you in your chair for final touches.
Good chat.
- Alright, Dan.
- Just that way.
Shit.
- How you doing? Hi.
- Hi.
So, um listen.
We're off Maya.
Candi's your girlfriend now, okay? - What? - Yeah.
What? Rachel, Maya's fantastic.
Why? America hates her.
She's a loser.
You wanna win, right? Oh, and plus, I've got a surprise for you in Dream Suite later.
Okay.
- Have fun.
- Yeah.
Hey, so um, the package got shipped to OH NO! WEEKLY.
"The Hidden Story" should hit online tomorrow at 9:00 A.
M.
TOMMY: Right when Fiona's set to arrive.
Nice work.
Alexi better be safe tonight.
That was a disaster.
It's handled.
Plot twist, I'm not the idiot you think I am.
Oh, look at you, Jay.
Not dead yet.
Cue our moron.
GRAHAM: What a night on the set of "Passport to Dance.
" We traveled from the South Pacific to the pyramids of Cairo to the streets of Rio to the mountains of the Black Sea.
But now it is time for each of you to take your journeys further into the heart of love.
And that journey starts with our dancer, Candi Coco.
Why, thank you.
August, what do you say? You and me, babe? - Next up.
- Little risky putting your boyfriend with our superstar.
Do I look worried? Roger.
QUINN: Oh, playing hard to get.
Makes sense.
But why is nobody picking Alexi? Rodrigo.
[SPEAKS FOREIGN LANGUAGE] We come to our final pick of the night.
- Oh, my God.
- Alexi or Buck.
Sofia, who is it going to be? Sofia, if you screw me over, nobody will find your perfect body.
Alexi.
- Ah, yes.
- Handled.
GRAHAM: Now, time for our couples to take the final trip Oh, hey, look, I don't know what's going on with you, but August isn't going anywhere.
Fine.
I should have known.
August doesn't matter.
Matter to who? Hey, let me talk to you.
Oh, wow, you haven't left the country yet.
- We can talk later, okay? - No, we can talk right now.
See, I've made a lot of mistakes and I really don't know if I have one more in me.
Mm, amazing.
I get it.
- Let's go talk in my office, then.
- Why are you still talking? I don't care if anyone sees this.
This is our moment.
Now let's just forget about everyone from the past.
And I swear to you, I'll never let anyone come between us.
What are you doing? [EXHALES SHAKILY] Marry me, kiddo.
Finally.
Chet.
[CHUCKLES] [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] - Yeah! - Whoo! Wasn't Emily supposed to leave hours ago? I just gave her a really good exit interview.
Then she gave me one.
That a problem? No, not at all.
What about Madison? Break her heart and you're the one that's screwed.
Ah.
So, um, Chet and Quinn.
True love, huh? Uh I wouldn't believe everything you see around here.
Yeah, I figured that out day one.
No one calls Alexi Petrov chorus-boy animal.
I'm a superstar.
Say it.
Superstar.
Yes.
I wish I still did the coke.
- You know what? - What? We're gonna drown out the noise.
Tomorrow, nobody's gonna be talking about "Passport to Dance.
" Of course.
Because they're going to be talking about this.
Where are you going? Hi.
Speak your truth They already know Search your mind It's written in gold Okay, so this will be your room.
Um, the alarm clock is by the bed, and you just need to be back in the Dream Suite by dawn, okay? Yeah, no, that's not gonna work for my schedule.
I've been playing along with y'all's games, but I think we all know that I'm the star.
"Everlasting" is now the "Candi Coco show".
And the Candi show, it ain't free.
- What do you want? - I want a phone.
I have a kid and a business to run, and I'm pretty sure that my client list just exploded.
Done.
Really? You don't have to check with your big boss? This deal's between us, right? [CHUCKLES] Okay, then.
[SNIFFLES] [SNORTS] [SNIFFLES] Not dead yet.
AUGUST: Uh Champagne! [CHUCKLES] - Hi.
- Hey.
Oh, and I, um, I got some strawberries.
It's from crafty.
I thought we could have a little midnight picnic.
Mm-hmm.
Wow, you, uh, you always do surprise me.
Yeah, right? My second act is so much better than my first.
- Hey.
- Yeah.
Uh, God, Rachel.
I - I I just - Yeah.
Sorry.
Let me, you know - So, um, hey.
- Yeah.
Hey, so, um, I've been doing some thinking.
And Yeah.
I'm not sure I'm ready for all of this.
This? This, us.
It's Rachel it's a lot, and we're moving pretty fast.
At least you are.
Okay, uh I mean, we can move slower if you want.
Did something happen? No, I [SIGHS] Look, I came back to this show for a reason.
And I need to get my head in the game.
Maybe Maybe I should spend the night with Candi, and get to know the girl.
Form a real connection.
I mean, I've just been trying to help.
Haven't I been a good girlfriend? I'm not sure who you are right now.
I liked the old Rachel.
Dude, there is no old Rachel.
Okay.
This is me.
I mean, this is I don't think so.
I I really don't.
I'm sorry.
Hey, um, you know, there's one thing that I really think that you should know, actually.
Um Quinn's pregnant.
With your baby.
Oh, my God.
[SCOFFS] You're sick.
You'll just say anything to get what you want, won't you? - No, that is not what this is! - Yes, it is.
Good night, Rachel.
The further I wander The less I seem to know Voices I hear I can taste in my heart Calling me closer to the fire