W1A (2014) s02e04 Episode Script

Series 2, Episode 4

'Stand by, two.
Mix through and cue on two.
' 'The BBC has announced the appointment 'of ex-head of Olympic Delivery Ian Fletcher 'as its new Head of Values.
' 'Time now for the shipping forecast.
' 'Superimposed.
' A new morning at New Broadcasting House .
but for the BBC's Head of Values, Ian Fletcher, this isn't just any old new morning.
Today is a whole different bike.
Morning, Will.
~ Oh, hey.
Yeah, cool.
~ How are you? Yeah, I'm good, yeah.
In nice and early again.
~ Yeah, no worries, yeah.
Izzy's not in yet.
~ Right.
~ I don't know where she is.
~ No.
~ Did you manage? ~ Whoa.
~ Did? ~ New bike.
~ Er, what? Yes, yes.
~ Cool.
~ Yeah, no, I thought it was ~ That's like the titanium one.
~ Er, yes, it is actually, yes.
~ Whoa.
~ No, I just thought it was time to ~ Can I hold it? Er, well, yes, if you want to.
Whoa, that's just, like, mental.
~ Yeah, it's good, isn't it? Yes, so anyway ~ Yeah.
Did you manage to book Frankie Howerd for this afternoon in the end? Yeah, no, that's Say again? Cos I have to say, I just gave up eventually.
Yeah, no, crap.
Yeah, I booked it on SyncopatiSpace.
What? The BBC has recently introduced a fully-integrated, cloud-based room booking system in its public commitment to make the technology in Broadcasting House more intelligent than the people who work there.
Yeah, so, in the end, what I did was I had to, like, re-set all my Omnisync permissions.
Well, I mean, I don't understand that, ~ but if it works, that's great.
Well done.
~ Yeah, no worries.
~ Yeah, cool.
~ OK.
Well ~ Cool.
Can I have my bike back now? ~ Yeah, cool, yeah.
~ I mean, if you've finished with it.
~ Yeah, no worries, yeah, cool.
~ Great.
Actually, Will.
Yeah, hi.
This may not It might not be of any interest to you, ~ but the other bike, my old one ~ Yeah.
~ I mean it's just sitting there in the spare room doing nothing now.
~ Cool.
I mean, if you wanted to borrow it.
You know, use it for a while You know, just see how you get on with it.
I could bring it in one morning and leave it here? OK, cool.
Meanwhile, it's already the afternoon and Ian is on his way to chair a meeting of the Way Ahead Task Force.
~ Hi.
~ Yes, hi, yes.
~ You all set for this? ~ Yes, no.
I don't know.
I hope so.
You'll be fine.
Today he's asked newly-created Head of Inclusivity, Lucy Freeman, along to give to them a heads-up on the important issue of BBC inclusivity targets.
I didn't actually sleep brilliantly last night.
~ Oh, just remember, nobody knows anything.
~ Yes.
~ That's true just generally, but it's particularly true in this case.
~ Right.
In the meantime, the Way Ahead Task Force itself is gathering outside Frankie Howerd.
and really by the morning the last of that cloud blowing itself off into the North Sea, where nobody can see it, and, certainly by lunchtime, most of us should find ourselves outside enjoying a really rather pleasant day for the time of year.
~ Az.
~ Great.
Thanks very much, Sadiq.
I knew we'd be able to count on you for some good news at least.
Well, I do my best, Az.
Although really it's not me, it's the weather.
And you can find more of that on the website, of course.
Thanks, Sadiq.
That's great.
Well, that's just about it for us.
We'll be back again after the I'm not being funny or anything, but did he actually just say the cloud was going to be blowing itself off? ~ Don't know.
Wasn't listening.
Wouldn't surprise me.
~ Crazy beard.
Yes, no, very good.
I mean, we love beards.
Cool guy.
~ Hi.
~ Hurrah! ~ What's happening? ~ We can't get in, sir.
We don't know what to do.
~ Oh, of course, sorry.
I've asked Lucy to join us for this.
~ Yes.
~ Hurrah! ~ Hi.
No, brilliant, brilliant, Lucy.
OK, so what's? One of the most intelligent qualities of the new SyncopatiSpace booking system is that, as a fail-safe to prevent anything going wrong, the door to any meeting room opens automatically as soon as the person who's booked it comes within range with their pass, whereas, if they haven't, it doesn't.
Right, OK.
Where's Will? Why does everything got to be so bloody intelligent all the time? ~ Intelligent? ~ Not Will, obviously.
Gah, no.
Bad luck.
Meanwhile, elsewhere in the building, Izzy Gould is at a different level altogether.
Hi, David.
Oh, hi there, lovely Izzy.
So this is where you are now? ~ Yes.
~ Look at you on the seventh floor.
Yes, no, it's just useful to be a bit nearer Matt Taverner, just so Oh, no, Always.
Tell me about it.
Having recently applied for a new post in Development, she's now in an environment where you can never predict where the next challenge will come from or in exactly what shape it will arrive.
Oh, you look great.
I don't know where you got that skirt.
What, this? No, this is just Yes, no, cos I'm actually having a meeting with Matt on Thursday.
Oh, right.
Are you? Newly-promoted David Wilkes has got a meeting with newly-promoted Matt Taverner to bring him up to speed with progress on the nearly-developed project One Big Family.
He's asked for a series treatment.
Yeah, I think he just wants to know how it's going to work, basically.
~ Right.
~ You know, like, who'll be in it and stuff.
~ That's all.
~ OK.
But so ~ It's good up here, isn't it? ~ Yes, it is.
~ But this I mean, it's three paragraphs.
~ I know.
And can I just say? Do not be confined by what's there.
~ Well, no, that's Confined? ~ Just think of it as a blank page.
I mean, it practically is a blank page.
~ I know.
I mean, it's exciting this, isn't it? ~ Well Yes.
~ Do you know what? I'm excited and I'm not even doing it.
~ No.
This is a really complex area to talk about in just in a few minutes, obviously, so I was thinking perhaps BAME and LGBT would be two areas it might be good to focus on here.
~ Right, yes.
~ Hurrah! Eventually, there's a lucky break for the Way Ahead Team.
It turns out that the shared innovation space on the fourth floor is free this afternoon as it just so happens there isn't any sharing or innovation taking place today.
Lucy, just to check everybody's OK with BAME and LGBT? ~ Yes, exactly.
~ No, sure.
~ Brilliant.
~ Uh-huh.
~ Yup.
~ Yes.
~ More or less.
I think so, Ian, yes.
~ No, I'm totally good with that.
The world of inclusivity is a world full of acronyms and both BAME, which stands for black, Asian and minority ethnic, and LGBT, which stands for something else altogether, are almost perfect examples of how they can work.
Can I just check, Lucy? Not being funny or anything but with LGBT, is it transvestite or? ~ No, transgender.
~ Right, yes.
~ Transgender, yes.
~ I knew it was one of them.
~ Yes.
~ I can tell the difference in real life, obviously.
~ Right.
~ I don't mind saying I'm normally pretty good at that.
~ OK.
The fact is this is an area where we need to be better.
Well, of course, Anna, yes.
Although, I have to say, inclusivity is an area where we have actually made some real progress.
~ Cool.
~ Have we? ~ Yes.
~ You so have.
You've got the dude with the crazy beard doing the weather for a start.
Well, hang on, it's not a crazy beard.
~ It's like, "Hey, guys, suck on that!" ~ Brilliant.
I mean, Lucy, would it be worth thinking about trying to put some numbers on our aspirations in those areas? I mean, if you look at the research on this.
I've got figures here.
I don't know With just over a year now until the BBC's Royal Charter is due either for renewal or some other thing, Lucy's first big task in her new post has been to look at ways of setting new BBC inclusivity targets that are more challenging than the old ones.
Cos there is an argument - if you look at the proportion of BAME and LGBT people out there in the wider population, and then ~ use those as the basis for your targets ~ Yes, right.
~ Brilliant.
so what you're committing to is the idea of a fair reflection of society as it actually is.
Hang on.
I'm sorry, Lucy.
Sorry, Ian.
I might be being a bit stupid here, ~ but how's this going to work? ~ How will it work? Well, yeah, because if you add the proportion of Asian or Asian British, black or black British, and mixed multiple together, er, then you get what 11.
9, say 12%, Lucy, right? Er, that's Yes, that's the current BAME figure, yes.
~ Cool.
~ So I've just done a quick back of the fag packet thing here and, according to this, in news, I'd have to sack four black, Asian, or mixed multiple presenters straight away.
~ No.
~ And, sorry, but with the greatest respect to everyone, I'm not going to bloody do that.
~ No, that's not actually how it works.
~ No, no.
~ No.
In that case, you'd be ahead of the target already, which is great, ~ so you wouldn't actually have to do anything.
~ Right.
~ Hurrah! ~ No, no, the point here, Neil, surely is we're committed to driving up the - let's face it - woefully small BAME and LGBT figures out there in the real population wherever we possibly can.
~ What? ~ Uh, well ~ Are we? ~ Yes, exactly, yes.
~ Cool.
~ I think that's a different ~ Out there in the real world? ~ Oh, no.
Hang on ~ We love BAME.
~ Yes, no, wait a minute.
~ The fact is this is about being better.
~ Hang on, this has got to be right.
~ Now we're driving things up.
~ I thought we were reflecting things.
~ Brilliant.
~ Hang on ~ Yes, cos I'm not being funny or anything, guys, but in the last five years, in the press office, I don't think we've had any lesbians at all.
~ Right.
Well, that's ~ Bummer.
Meanwhile, Will is up on the seventh floor.
In his relatively new role as personal assistant, he's still getting used to where everything is in New Broadcasting House.
Hi! ~ Oh, hi.
~ How are you? ~ Yeah, I'm OK, yeah.
~ Yeah, it's tough at the top, isn't it? ~ Yes, it is.
~ Yeah.
Is anyone here? ~ Nope.
~ Right.
~ There was some guy, but he left.
~ Well, that's his mistake.
Can I? ~ Yeah, sure.
If you Was in the inspiration zone.
Didn't work - haven't had any.
~ I am working, though.
~ Sure.
~ As long as ~ That's cool.
~ I'm just going to sit here and look at you.
~ Right.
What? I wish.
I've got so much stuff to do.
~ Yeah.
Me too.
~ Yeah! Overall, then, if you're wanting to get out and about over the weekend, it looks like Saturday's the day for that.
Sunday perhaps more of a case of curling your toes up on the sofa with a good book and perhaps your favourite mug of coffee.
~ Az.
~ Thanks very much, Sadiq.
I think I'll be taking your advice and joining you on the sofa with that book on Sunday.
Yes, no, well, excellent.
More on all that on the website, of course.
Sadiq, thanks.
Well, that's just about it for us' Yes, OK.
Thank you, Siobhan.
I think we've ~ Yes, no, terribly good, isn't he? ~ I'm just saying ~ Let's not I mean, he's so babe, it's practically coming out of his ears.
By early evening, it's two hours later, but in the shared innovation space, the Way Ahead Task Force is still searching for the way ahead in its mission to set some new and better BBC inclusivity targets.
~ I mean, just thinking laterally for a moment ~ Yes, very good.
~ Oh, right.
~ .
is it worth coming at this thing the other way round? Ian is particularly keen to resolve this by the end of the meeting, because, as BBC Head of Values, he's been invited to speak at a meeting of the Cross Parliamentary Cultural Inclusion Action Watch Dog Group at the Palace of Westminster in ten days' time.
I mean, is there a way of committing to the idea of reducing the number of non-BAME and LGBT people by a percentage figure? ~ Brilliant.
~ So, gradually over time, you'd increase the proportion of Hang on.
Now we're sacking white guys as well? ~ Well ~ At this rate, there'll be nobody bloody left.
~ Bummer.
I know this is difficult, but can I just remind everybody ~ what a serious undertaking this is? ~ OK, OK, OK.
So, guys, here's the thing with this.
We've been going for, like, three hours here, right? ~ We're nailing jelly to the hothouse wall.
~ What? What you do here is you viralise the weather dude with the beard - suddenly it's like none of this other shit matters.
~ Right, no.
~ Viralise him? ~ Brilliant.
I think we've had enough about him already, Siobhan.
You so have not had enough about him already.
It's a no-brainer.
He's your only hope here.
I'm sorry, Siobhan.
It's a BBC London weather forecaster you're talking about here.
He's not Martin Luther King.
I think that's probably a bit melodramatic.
It totally is mega-dramatic.
That's what we're looking for here, right? ~ Well, no ~ Cos otherwise, I'm telling you, with shit like inclusivity you open your mouth at this Crossed Parliamentary Action Dog whatever, you pretty much bought a one-way ticket to Yawnsville right there.
~ Brilliant.
~ I mean, am I right or am I right? ~ Well, that's ~ I'm right, OK? ~ No, very good.
~ Yes, no, very strong.
Another week and personal assistant Will Humphries is arriving for work early as usual.
~ Another busy day of assisting ahead of him.
~ Ah, yes.
Will Humphries.
Oh, yeah.
Hey, yeah, no worries, yeah, cool.
Yes, very good.
Obviously going places.
~ What? Yeah, no, I've just arrived.
~ So you've finally joined the club.
~ Yeah, no, this is, like, Ian Fetcher's bike? ~ Oh, right.
Yeah, I didn't take it.
He said I could.
No, brilliant, Will, brilliant.
~ Yeah, cos he's got like this titanium one now? ~ Right.
~ Yeah, I know, mental.
~ Brilliant.
~ It's pretty cool.
~ Yes, no, jolly good.
People think you just stand there and wave your arms about.
~ Right.
~ I've heard people say it must be fun.
~ Really? Meanwhile, BBC London weather forecaster Sadiq Iqbal has come to see Lucy in her role as Head of Inclusivity.
So, I mean, yes, you've got satellites, computer modelling, whatever, all of that, ~ you've got the whole of the Met Office resources behind you.
~ Yes.
But in the end, it's about you and the weather.
~ You have to confront that every day.
That's never going to change.
~ No.
As a serious forecaster committed to the idea of serious weather, he's not happy about having been viralised or about his rapidly-growing cult status, even though the BBC now has plans to promote him to the national weather forecast as a result.
I was on the Tube yesterday.
I saw this girl, my face on her T-shirt - ~ "Today will be brighter than yesterday.
" ~ Right.
When she turned round, on the back - "Hashtag beardy weather.
" Yes, no, that's not That's really I mean, one thing to say.
It is in fact a separate PR company that's responsible ~ for Brand BBC, but ~ Then this morning, on YouTube.
I think I'll take your advice and j-joining you on the sofa with that boo-ook on Sunday.
~ Yes, yes, yes ~ J-Joining you on the sofa ~ Yes! ~ J-Joining you on the sofa ~ Yes! Joining you on the sofa L-L-Lovely Sadiq, l-l-love Curling your toes up Curling your toes up ~ We-we-we-we! ~ Curling your toes up on the sofa ~ J-Joining you on the sofa with that book.
~ Yes, yes, yes.
210,000 hits so far.
~ Yes.
Really, that's Yes.
~ This is not just about me.
Well, no, it's about a whole I mean, it's about anyone who.
~ With anyone who's ever ~ There are two of us in that studio.
~ Right.
~ What we do isn't easy.
~ No, of course.
We're both professionals, but Azia is a serious woman.
Well, yes, absolutely.
What people don't know about her, underneath all the hair, she studied ~ Asian and Middle Eastern studies at Cambridge ~ Right.
~ .
combining it ~ with a modern European language, in this case French.
~ Really? ~ Yes.
We might make it look easy, I certainly try to anyway ~ Yes, no, you do.
I mean, not easy, but ~ But it's not.
~ No.
~ Actually, it's a very delicate thing.
~ Yes.
~ Yes.
~ Right.
Meanwhile, Ian has been working late drafting his speech for the Cross Parliamentary Cultural Inclusion Action Watchdog, or so called C-P-C-I-A-W-D-G Group, at Westminster next week.
~ Ah.
Hi, Anna.
~ Yes, exactly, yes.
~ Are you? I'm just on my way out.
~ Yes.
~ Right.
Yes, exactly, yes.
I've been thinking about your thing.
~ Ye My what? ~ The C-P-C-I ~ Oh, right.
Yes, well, me too.
~ This is exactly the sort of occasion where we should be talking about better.
~ Talking about better? ~ Exactly, yes.
~ Right.
~ The fact of the matter is the whole idea ~ of setting ourselves targets for inclusivity ~ Right.
~ The fact is this is all about betterness.
~ Betterness.
~ Exactly.
You want me to say something about it? ~ I've asked Jack to e-mail you something.
~ Right.
~ A paragraph.
~ I thought you might want to look at it first.
~ Yes, well, that's very ~ Thank you, Anna.
I will.
~ Yes.
Also, I think I should come with you.
~ Come with me? ~ To the thing, yes.
~ Right.
~ OK.
~ If you're talking about better, the fact is I should be there.
So they can see what better looks like? That's not Here are the lifts.
Just so you know, I've asked Lucy Freeman to come along too.
You've asked Lucy Freeman? ~ Yes, cos inclusivity's such a part of this whole ~ Yes.
~ I just thought it'd be good for her to actually ~ Yes.
~ You know, just to ~ Yes.
~ Yes.
~ Yes.
'Ground floor.
' ~ Morning, Will.
~ Oh, yeah.
Hey, yeah, cool.
A different morning in New Broadcasting House as both the Head of Values and the personal assistant to the Head of Values find themselves arriving almost literally in tandem.
~ Ah, morning, Simon.
~ Oh, yeah.
Hey, yeah, hi.
Ah, yes, we three.
But it turns out they're not the only ones who are going places.
~ So is that like the carbon fibre one? ~ What? Oh, yes, the carbon fibre, yes.
~ Whoa.
~ Right.
~ I mean, they do it deliberately.
Every time you go in there, suddenly your old bike's out of date.
~ Carbon fibre? ~ Yeah, they make, like, stealth bombers out of it.
~ Oh, it's just a gimmick, really.
~ Stealth bombers? Yeah, like, they're so light, you can't actually see them? Bloody annoying, I tell you.
I only went in to buy a pump.
Upstairs, newly-promoted Izzy Gould is already in early, preparing herself for further development.
~ Will, hi.
~ Oh, yeah.
Hey, yeah.
~ How long have you been there? ~ What? I don't know.
~ You OK? ~ Yeah, I'm good, yeah.
~ I'm just going back to my desk.
~ Cool.
~ Quite a lot on today.
~ Yeah, no worries, yeah.
I just came up here.
~ Right.
Well ~ Yeah, cos I've had, like, an idea.
~ You've had an idea? Yeah, I know, yeah, mental, yeah.
What do you mean an idea? What kind of idea? ~ Yeah, cos you know you're, like, developing? ~ Ah, right.
~ Yes, so what I ~ Will, I'm really sorry, I'm so busy at the moment.
OK, cool, yeah.
No worries, yeah, cool.
~ Maybe when I've got time ~ Yeah, no, cool.
Crap! ~ Or put it in an e-mail.
~ Yeah! ~ Cos then I can get back to you.
~ Cool.
~ Thanks, Will.
Better get back.
~ Yeah, OK, yeah.
No worries, yeah, cool.
~ Actually, sorry.
~ Yeah? ~ That wasn't very ~ No, that's cool, yeah.
I don't mind.
It's OK.
I can drink my coffee.
Tell me your idea.
OK, cool, yeah.
Yeah cos, like, my sister, like, knows Boris Johnson? ~ Right.
Does she really? ~ Yeah, I know.
~ OK.
Yeah, so it's like - On Your Bike.
~ On Your Bike? ~ Yeah, like, you ride round London with Boris Johnson.
~ Like, he talks and rides at the same time.
~ Right.
~ Yeah, cos someone's riding next to him.
I don't know who that is.
~ OK.
Yeah, then, next week, it's not Boris Johnson, it's someone else with a bike, riding somewhere else, like round where they live, and talking about that.
Yeah, cos it's like you'd have, like, different bikes.
~ I mean, that's great, isn't it? ~ Yes, uh Nice plug for Sadiq's promotion to the national forecast, so that's But if you look at what she actually said, it's not It's much more Meanwhile, on the night of Ian's big inclusivity presentation, the Evening Standard has asked BBC London News presenter Azia Zamani about her views on the new beardy weather phenomenon.
"I'm not sure I'm really a beard woman, "but I think it's fantastic what's happening to Sadiq "and of course I wish him well with whatever he does in the future.
" ~ I mean, that's OK, isn't it? That's all good.
~ Yes, it's just the headline ~ that's just a bit "Azia - I'm not a beard woman.
" ~ Right.
~ I mean, it's Surely, that's just a bit of, you know ~ Yes.
~ .
bit of harmless fun.
~ Yes, no, it's not a religion thing.
~ It's about Sadiq.
I mean, Sadiq and Azia.
~ Sadiq and Azia? ~ Yes.
~ What do you mean, "Sadiq and Azia"? ~ Anna.
~ Yes, exactly.
~ Hi, Anna.
~ Exactly, yes.
~ Can I? ~ The fact is I need to know when you'll be there this evening.
Er, well, yes, it's 6:30 for 7, isn't it? I wouldn't mind getting there a bit earlier myself, ~ just to make sure everything's ~ Yes, exactly.
I've booked a car.
~ Right.
Well, that's ~ I said 6.
Jack can move it earlier.
~ Lucy, how were you thinking of? ~ No, no.
That's fine.
~ Yes.
~ Well ~ I've got an Oyster card.
I'll go on the Tube.
~ Yes.
~ That seems a bit ~ No, really.
It's probably better for you and Anna to go together, if you want ~ Yes.
~ Well, if ~ Yes, exactly, yes.
~ Yes.
~ Right.
~ Yes.
So you'd have, like, a regular presenter ~ Cool.
~ .
someone mad on cycling.
~ Yeah, I don't know.
Cos what this is, it'd be like a chat show on a bike.
Whoa, cool.
That is such a cool idea.
~ Well, it's yours.
~ Yeah, I know.
What? ~ It's your idea.
~ Whoa, that's That's just, like, mental.
~ Yes, I know.
Meanwhile, Izzy is taking Will through the full enormity of the idea he's apparently had.
~ One week, someone like Bradley Wiggins, say.
~ Cool! Who's obviously an amazing cyclist, but, next week, ~ someone completely different, not ~ Not Bradley Wiggins.
They just really like cycling.
Like I thought maybe Tracey Emin ~ Cool.
I don't know who that is.
~ .
cycling around Margate.
~ Cool, yeah.
Why not? ~ Or have someone like Gilbert and George on a tandem.
~ Cool, yeah, I don't know who that is either.
~ Well, they're ~ Actually, it doesn't matter.
~ Cool, yeah.
Doesn't matter.
~ Will, I can't tell you You're an absolute genius.
I love you! ~ Yeah.
Yeah, hey, yeah.
Yeah, hi.
Oh, right, OK.
~ What? ~ Right.
~ Yeah, I don't know.
~ This thing will be over by 9:30.
~ Yes.
~ Yes.
Or 10 o'clock at the latest anyway, I should think.
Yes, exactly, yes.
Why, do you need to be somewhere? ~ No, I don't.
~ Right.
~ Why? ~ What? ~ Do you? ~ Do I what? ~ Do you need to be somewhere? ~ Me? ~ Yes.
~ Well, no.
I mean ~ No.
~ I mean, not really, no.
~ Yes, exactly, yes.
But what I would say is not only that we're committed to the idea of committing to firm and binding BAME and LGBT targets wherever we can possibly find them going forward, but also, we're going to commit - and we're absolutely committed to this - we're going to commit to exceeding those targets by a minimum of 10% across the board as soon as we know what they are.
By 7:15, Ian has hit his stride in his presentation to the Cross Parliamentary Cultural Inclusion Action Watch Dog Group at Westminster.
But I think it also helps to look at more personal stories that .
can sometimes tell us more about where we are at the BBC ~ and by extension I would ~ But at the same time, Lucy has got a call from Tracey Pritchard back at New Broadcasting House and, as is often the case with calls from Tracey Pritchard, ~ it's not good news.
~ .
and to do that, I'm afraid I'm going to have to talk to you about the weather.
Yes Yes, no, I know.
I'm doing it now.
I was on my way out.
I got a call from Neil to say he hasn't turned up, so I looked on Twitter at his account Breakthrough BBC weather forecaster Sadiq Iqbal has gone missing and posted a worrying message on Twitter about his beard.
Bloody hell.
It's a journey that has taken him all the way to the BBC One national forecast for the first time tonight - 10:35, incidentally, in case anyone's interested in watching.
So, of course, I know there'll be periods of unsettled weather - we expect that and, in the BBC, we come dressed for that, but overall, I'd like to suggest that, with a lot of hard work and commitment from us, and with continued support from you, the outlook for the BBC could and should be mostly bright, maybe even with the occasional sunny not to say Sunni spell.
Thank you.
~ Well, I thought that went OK, didn't it? ~ Yes, er ~ Yes, good.
~ Better than expected.
~ Yes, exactly.
So we're done.
What? Yes, what? ~ Oh, my God.
That's terrible, Tracey.
~ Yes.
~ And he's just shaved it off? We've Tomasz Schafernaker coming on his motorbike just in case.
Oh, yes, right.
Lovely Tomasz.
If you're BBC Senior Communications Officer, the possibility that the BBC's most culturally-inclusive weather forecaster may have shaved his beard off on the night of his promotion to the national forecast is potentially a nightmare scenario, and not in a good way.
~ I don't want to be negative, but I have actually got a very bad feeling about this.
~ I know, it's a nightmare.
Anyway, look, Tracey, I'm actually on my way off to a Rufus Wain ~ That's him.
~ What? ~ I'm sure.
Isn't it? ~ I don't know.
It might be.
~ It's hard to tell.
~ OK.
Well, don't stand there.
~ What? No, no, no.
That guy is not going anywhere near that weather map ~ until we know exactly what we're dealing with here.
~ Oh, my God! ~ Siobhan, hi.
~ 'OK, so I'm on it, OK? I'm totally on it, OK?' What do you mean you're on it? Where are you? OK, that guy goes on there tonight without some kind of beard, you are looking at a weapons-grade shit storm here, OK? Yeah, I know, but Wait! What do you mean some kind of beard? 'If he doesn't appear now,' after everything we've done with hashtag beardy weather, you are totally going to crash the internet.
OK, wherever you are, whatever you're doing, I order you to stop.
OK, what you've got to know here is I'm super good at this kind of shit.
'Exactly, yes.
That's why I'm ordering you not to do it.
' ~ We're in extremely delicate territory here.
~ 'Sure.
' This isn't any old beard we're talking about.
Nu-uh, hashtag beardy weather, duh.
There's somewhere around 1.
6 billion people worldwide we're in real danger of offending if we get this wrong.
The BBC may have many faults, but one thing we are absolutely - and I can't emphasise this Hello? Right, OK, fuck.
Can we step on it, please? ~ I'm already stepping on it.
~ I don't care.
Well, step on something else.
Back at New Broadcasting House, David Wilkes has managed to track troubled weather forecaster Sadiq Iqbal down to the BBC Weather Office.
His mission for the moment is to keep him there until they can establish for certain exactly how beardy tonight's weather is going to be.
Basically what it is, Sadiq, is it's prime time Saturday night family viewing, with a bit of The One Show thrown in just in case, obviously, and what we were thinking No.
I'm sorry, Siobhan, we have got this thing perfectly under control.
Meanwhile, back up in reception, Siobhan Sharpe has arrived with a plan and, with The Ten O'Clock News now just half an hour away, ~ things are rapidly coming to some sort of head.
~ No! Jesus Christ, it's fucking orange! So we can dye it, OK? It's television.
~ Hi! ~ Hello, Ian.
~ How's it going? ~ Fine.
~ Yeah.
Welcome to Apocalypse Now.
By managing to get Sadiq into a holding position, they've bought themselves some time.
But the worry now is that they may have already used it.
~ First of all, everybody just needs to keep calm, OK? ~ Yes, good.
~ I am actually calm.
~ Calm? You're bloody joking.
~ Yes.
Could she shut up? ~ Well, first of all, what is the situation with the actual beard? OK.
So with the beard, in my opinion, we are in a very bad place with this.
Yes, but has he actually got one or not? So, at the moment, we are still awaiting confirmation on that.
What do you mean awaiting confirmation? ~ It's either there or it's not.
~ Exactly, Ian, yes.
We have issues around the hat and scarf obviously, but underneath that, those are the two options we are looking at here.
And, not only that, but with the weather apparently, there is actually a complex low coming in off the Atlantic tonight, ~ which is the last thing we need.
~ Well, let's not get I'm not being funny or anything, but this is actually a perfect storm.
~ Can I just Have you got a second? ~ What, now? But, under pressure at the 11th hour, Lucy has had a thought.
~ Hey, guys! ~ Hey! ~ Even better.
~ So I did the best I could.
~ Cool.
~ This one I thought was pretty close.
~ OK.
~ No! ~ Jesus Christ.
~ Er, this one I'm not so sure about.
~ OK, no, sure.
~ No, I don't want this.
~ Yeah, it's kind of more left-field.
Just remind me.
Why am I doing this again? I can't quite remember now, and we haven't got a lot of time, ~ but I know this is a very good thing.
~ Yes.
I'm really sorry.
Despite her new role as Head of Inclusivity, Lucy's idea has nothing to do with either targets or BBC charter renewal.
By the way, I love that hat.
Not everyone can carry that off.
No, I was wondering Come in.
~ Hello, Sadiq.
~ Her thought is that it might be somehow a good thing if Sadiq were able to have a quiet moment alone with Azia Zamani at this point in the proceedings.
For some of those involved in it, for better or for worse, this is turning into a night that they're not going to forget.
I mean, he's been just across the studio from her every day.
~ Right.
~ But in reality, the truth is ~ Yes.
~ You know.
~ It's a long way.
~ Yes.
Oh, I know, a nightmare.
~ I'm sorry.
~ No, no ~ I feel like a bloody stupid 16-year-old.
~ No.
Bought all this stuff, walking round for hours.
~ No, I'm sorry, Sadiq.
~ I don't know what I was thinking of.
Of course I was never going to do it.
It's so great everything that's happening to you.
I used to dream about the big map.
Everything's turning out fine.
~ You say that ~ I mean it.
~ Have you seen the forecast? ~ There's a complex low coming in off the Atlantic.
~ Huh.
It's going to be pretty wild for a time through south-western England, Wales and parts of north west Scotland ~ as we go through tonight into tomorrow.
~ Really? First time I've ever said that.
I love this.
I so love my job.
Yeah, me too, yeah.
Bloody great.
In the end, against all the odds, after the BBC Ten O'Clock News, it's time for the BBC Weather with both Sadiq Iqbal and his beard.
I don't know about you, but I think I could do with a drink.
~ Right.
~ I mean, if you've got time.
And you're going to find yourself very wet ~ I'm just talking about half an hour, really, that's all.
~ Right, yes.
Cos I've got to get back for ~ Hi.
~ Yes.
~ Anna.
~ Yes, exactly, hi.
~ You still here? ~ Yes, so the car's round in Hallam Street.
~ The car? The kitchen closes at 10:30, but the fact is I've told them to stay open.
~ Right.
~ Yes.