Warren (2019) s01e01 Episode Script

The Pond

1 This programme contains some strong language PUMP CLICKS PUMP CLICKS PUMP CLICKS Bollocks! TANNOY: Number six, put the gloves back! Every time, you steal from us! Every time! You didn't have any last week.
Because you keep bloody stealing them! Tight bastards! Tosser! Hey.
FRONT DOOR SHUTS Hello, Warren.
Hello, Anne.
Good day? I got called a tosser.
Oh, no, not again.
Same bloke as last time? No, it was a different one.
What are you making? Birthday cake for Pavel, one of next-door's builders.
They're ever so nice, Warren.
I have them all in every morning, for bacon butties.
Since when? No wonder they bloody wave at me.
They probably think I've come home to stock up the fridge.
Ian said they'll be another couple of months.
Where does he get those clowns from?! I came home last week, one of them had fallen asleep in the skip.
HORN BEEPS Charlie! Your lift's here.
He's not going football training again, is he? He can't even get in the team.
I know, but he's trying his best.
His dad was hardly a natural sportsman either.
I don't know, he legged it quick enough when he met that woman from the post office.
Here he is, Bobby Charlton.
Oi, I put that application form for the garden centre in your room three weeks ago.
Have you rung them yet? The only reason you want me to work at the garden centre is so you can get the staff discount.
No, the only reason I want you to work at the garden centre is so you can pay me some bloody rent, you tit! Mind you, 30% is 30%.
And that pond does need re-lining.
See? I'm going to get changed.
Please give the garden centre a ring, love.
He does so much for you and your brother.
And he's giving you free driving lessons.
Mum, he doesn't even let me drive.
The last lesson we went on, he made me sit in the boot cos I had mud on my tracksuit.
Aw! Right, I'm off.
Ooh! Ask Pavel if he likes marzipan.
DIAL-UP INTERNE You all right, Danny? Yes.
Warren What? Nothing, it's just the internet's not working again.
Oh, hang on a minute, I'll get Bill Gates on the phone.
What do you want me to do about it? Nothing.
I was just wondering if maybe we could look into getting broadband? I don't know anyone that's still got dial-up anymore.
Even Nanny and Grandad have wireless.
Why don't we just do everything that Nanny and Grandad do? You say something racist, and I'll get diabetes.
I actually picked this up from the man behind the counter at PC World.
It's got information on all different broadband types you can get.
There's one in here that's 38 megabits a second.
Listen, mate.
It's Friday night, take the evening off from the computer, eh? Go and see one of your mates.
I'll give you a lift, if you want.
OK.
Could you take me to Andre's? Andre's?! I'm not taking you there, he lives bloody miles away! Play on your PlayStation, or something.
Come on, Charlie, if you want this bloody lesson.
I'm not taking you dressed like that.
Go and put a shirt on, and some smart shoes.
We're only going for a driving lesson, Warren, you're not taking me out for dinner.
Go and put on something nice, or I'm not taking you.
You all right, Warren? All right, Ian? Finished your extension yet? Not yet, no.
We don't like to rush things in Preston.
It will last forever, this will.
It'll bloody take forever, the amount of time they spend on their arses in my kitchen.
Moving home already? No, I'm just going down the dump with all this crap.
What have you been doing? Digging your way back down south? That's very funny.
No, no such luck.
The pond needed re-lining, I thought I might spruce it up, while I was at it.
I've been meaning to do it for years.
How do you mean, spruce it up? Make it a bit bigger.
Put in a water fountain.
Nice little rockery, that sort of thing.
Right.
Well, I just need to You know Inside Idiot.
HORN BEEPS Hiya, Warren.
All right, Liz.
what do you want? Sisters' day out.
We're going to see that clairvoyant in town.
Oh, for How much is that going to cost? Not a lot.
60 quid.
60 bloody quid?! Anne, he'd better bring them back from the dead for that! Oh, Warren, he's brilliant! Everyone's been.
Rose Ersel, Marion Oskin, Sharon Drinkwater, Joan Jackson went and spoke to her old head teacher.
I didn't know she even went to school.
He said he was very proud of her, and always knew she'd go on to do big things.
Is this the same Joan Jackson who sells tea towels on eBay? She's not exactly Richard Branson, is she? No, but you should see her kitchen.
Her dishes are ever so dry.
See you later, love.
Hold on, I'll just put Dad's scuba-diving kit in the back.
Bloody scuba-diving! The only reason we moved up here is cos he was on death's door, look at him now.
Arseing around on the bottom of the Atlantic! He's doing his first triathlon Sunday.
Ta-ra, love.
Let's hope it kills him.
We could do with the money.
No, go put a tie on.
Oh, my God! What's even in these? Hm? Just some mud from the garden, a couple of roofs tiles, a little bit of asbestos.
Asbestos? Mm.
Should we be breathing that in? Well, you've been breathing it in from the roof for the last three years, mate.
I don't know why you're panicking now.
I thought that stuff was dangerous.
It is, that's why I'm getting rid of it.
Aren't we going the wrong way for the dump? I'm not going to the bloody dump on a Saturday.
It'll be chaos.
We're just going to find somewhere and chuck it.
Isn't that illegal? All right.
What, you working for the council now, or something? Just concentrate on your lesson.
Put your hands at ten to two.
Warren, I've been on four of your so-called driving lessons now, and I've not even been in the driving seat yet.
When do I actually get to drive? When I think you're ready, and, while you have that attitude, it shows me that you're not.
All right, now we're going to turn right here, so, mirror, and signal, and manoeuvre.
Ahem! Thank you.
Go on, out you get.
What? Am I driving? No, you're going in there.
Oh, for Warren, I'm not going in, asking for a job.
You don't have to.
Good.
You've got an interview in there in ten minutes.
What? I sorted you out an interview.
You're joking! You weren't going to do anything about it, where you? That is so out of order, I'm not going in.
You bloody are! I'm not, does Mum know about this? "Does Mummy know about this?" Come on, Charlie, for Christ's sake! You're 19, you prat! You're going to meet Craig.
Go on.
Out you get.
You look very smart.
Oh, they've got a DFS now as well.
Don't slam it.
Ah, you prat! Does he always work out of a Harvester? No, last time he was in town, he did it from a Little Chef.
He had a row with the manager because they were no mushrooms on his Olympic breakfast.
Apparently, he's not been back since.
Well, you wouldn't, would you? How will we recognise him? Do you think that's him? Oi! What are you doing?! Eh? You'd better not be fly-tipping.
No, mate, I'm getting rid of it.
It makes me sick, the way people just dump stuff like that, you know? You're telling me.
Every week, they're at it.
Some people, eh? They should be shot.
Or burnt.
Anyway, you have a nice day, mate.
You not taking the rest of it? I'm not taking that lot.
You just said you go around collecting it.
Yeah, but That's not a problem.
I should be getting paid for this.
It's just nice to see there's some good people in this world.
God bless you, fella! All right.
Ladies, let's begin.
Close your eyes, and breathe deeply.
I need you to connect with the spirits around you.
Although, I have to say, I can feel a very strong presence already.
Especially around you, Anne.
Oh, I'm ever so sorry.
I have a lady, an elderly lady, and she's very angry.
She's angry at you, Anne.
At me? Yes, she's irate.
She's shouting something about .
.
gardening tools.
Gardening tools? What kind of gardening tools? I'm not sure.
I can't quite A rake? No, it's not a rake.
Shears? No.
Spade? No.
Hoe? No.
It's like Generation Game, this.
Secateurs? Yes, that's it, secateurs.
She's shouting about secateurs.
I don't think we've got any secateurs.
We've got a pair.
Does she want to borrow ours, Michael? Ladies, please, can we just focus.
Can I get you anything to drink? Not at the minute, thank you.
I'd love a cup of tea.
Yes, me too, actually.
Two teas, please.
Two teas, no problem.
And do you still do that salad cart? We do, yes.
Two salad carts, please.
Did you want a salad cart, Michael? No, can we just get on? You're not getting a salad cart for me, are you? Yes.
No, I'm fine, I've not long had breakfast.
Oh, suit yourself.
Just the one salad cart, please, love.
Can we continue, ladies? Sorry.
Please.
What is your name, spirit? Her name is .
.
Pam.
Pam?! I don't think I know a Pam.
Not Pam, then.
Pat? Doesn't ring any bells.
Polly? Penny? Pru? Pauline, we know a Pauline! Pauline Davis.
It's Pauline.
I thought as much.
Pauline Davis isn't dead, is she? Oh, no, that's a good point.
Does Pauline need to be dead, Michael? Yes, she must have passed into the next life, yes.
Maybe she went in the night.
Oh, she was always very wheezy.
I heard her coming from the bras in M&S once, and I were all of the way over by the baked beans.
She's standing on a ladder, looking over a fence.
Shouting.
It's not Pauline, he's talking about Peggy Patterson from next-door but one.
Surely, not Peggy Patterson! Is it Peggy Patterson? She wants her hedge cut, in your garden, it's overgrown.
It is, you know.
It Peggy Patterson.
Michael, can you confirm it's Peggy Patterson? Yes, it's Peggy Patterson! Christ! She's got down from her ladder now.
She's coming closer to us.
She has a stark warning, a very grave warning.
Does your grass needs cutting and all? She sees police cars, danger and men in black.
Like the film? She warns you, Anne, to stay very alert over the next few weeks.
She says something terrible is going to happen.
Oh, God! Oh, God! She says someone's not going to make it out alive.
What do you mean? Like a murder? Anne, that sounds like a murder.
Oh, God! It's a murder.
Michael, ask her who's getting murdered.
No, ask her when's the murder taking place.
Ask her Two teas? Right, she's going away now.
She's leaving us and slipping back into her world.
She's going, going Thanks for the warning, Peggy.
I'm ever so sorry about the hedge.
I'll get Warren to trim it over the weekend.
And she's gone.
Oh! Actually, I will have that salad cart.
How did you get on? I start tomorrow morning.
Oh, brilliant! Oh, Charlie, well done! That's brilliant.
What happened? Well, I walked in and said my wanker of a stepdad booked me an interview.
No, you didn't.
I'm not your stepdad anyway.
We're not married.
What actually happened? What do you think happened, Warren? I walked in, I chatted with Craig, and he offered me the job.
Oh, that's great news.
Did you tell him you want the staff discount? No, I told him YOU wanted the staff discount.
What did he say? He said it's fine, all employees get it.
Fantastic! That's fantastic! I'm proud of you! Come on, I'll buy you a McFlurry to celebrate.
I don't want a McFlurry to celebrate.
I just want to sit behind the wheel and me drive home.
No, no.
You're far too excited to drive home.
I'll get you a McFlurry, my treat.
Don't tell your brother.
Hello, Warren.
Hello, Anne.
I've got some good news.
Peggy Patterson wants you to trim the hedge.
Who? Peggy Patterson from next-door but one.
She showed up at the seance.
She is fuming.
Who the bloody hell's Peggy Patterson? You know, died a couple of years ago, lived at number 20.
Had a heart attack in Nando's.
Married to Ted, with the gammy eye.
You know! Are you telling me, that of all the people who died in your lifetime, the only one that wanted to come back and talk to you was some random old neighbour? She never wanted to talk to you when she was alive.
Christ knows why she wants to, now she's dead.
Warren, that's not even the half of it.
She said there's going to be a murder on the street.
Oh, come off it, Anne! It's all made up.
You've paid 60 quid for some charlatan to tell you that somebody is going to get bumped off, and I've got to chop down a bush.
What else happened? Not much, really.
Liz spoke to an accountant from Cheltenham.
She didn't know him, but he had some good stuff to say about the economy.
Oh, it was worth it, then.
I'd give the Chancellor a ring.
Hedge first.
What? Go on.
Oh, Anne! Right HEDGE TRIMMER FAILS TO STAR It's bloody run out of petrol, or something! Having a bit of trouble with the hedge, are you, Warren? No, no trouble, thank you.
If you're having trouble, I'm sure Ian would let you borrow his electric Black and Decker one.
No, thank you.
I don't like them.
We're just having a soak in the new hot tub.
Bought her today.
She's a belter, isn't she? No, not for me.
Not in this climate.
I prefer a shower, it's a bit more hygienic.
Did I hear someone's had a new hot tub? Oh, hello, Anne! Hello, Paula.
Oh, you're redoing your pond, too? What?! Yeah, Ian just thought it could do with a little spruce up.
Oh, did he? I bought a new lining today.
It's a Limber Line 4000, top-of-the-range from that World of Ponds shop on the high street.
We only ever buy locally.
You've got to support your independent Lancashire shops, haven't you? Guarantee some quality.
Good thinking, Paula.
Warren just buys cheap stuff online from China.
No, I don't.
When did I ever He bought a wheelbarrow for £11 last year, on eBay.
The wheel came off within a week! £11! No wonder the wheel came off, Warren.
It's more of a bucket now, then.
And there's a hole in the bottom.
So, it's an £11 watering can! You could come and do our plants, Warren! THEY LAUGH Fantastic(!) What did you say that lining was, mate? It's a Limber Line 4000.
Oh, no! Not the Limber Line 4000? Yeah.
Why? No reason, no reason.
It's just I've heard some bad things about that lining.
You what? It unsettles the fish, makes them nervous and tense, and agoraphobic.
It gives them diarrhoea, apparently.
Don't talk stupid.
Yeah.
I overheard Danny saying the other day.
Danny? Did you heck! Danny, didn't somebody warn us about the Limber Line 4000 the other day? The what? You remember, you told me about that pond lining that was unsettling all the fish? Oh, yeah.
Speak up, lad.
They said it was poisonous, or something.
Poisonous, that's it.
Really bad for the fish, full of pesticides, microbeads and that.
Microbeads? Yeah.
Bloody hell! I told you to read the label.
I've got Koi carp in there.
I hope you haven't wasted your money, mate.
How much did that lining cost anyway? We can't take it back, if we've opened it.
Anyway, I'll leave you be, I can see you've got a lot on.
Right, who fancies a Dominos? My treat.
VOICES OUTSIDE Oh, for Thanks a lot.
Next, please.
Warren, why are you here? He's only gone and stuck in a new water feature as well.
Who? Who do you bloody think? Ian! He knew I was getting a new water fountain! He bloody knew it! I look over there today, and he's sticking in Niagara Falls.
For God's sake! He's racist, that's what it is.
He doesn't like anyone from down south.
That's not racist.
Oh, take his side, why don't you? Right, that is £198.
70.
How much?! £198.
70.
What about the discount? Warren, please don't make me ask for discount on my first day.
Well, I'm not to spend 200 quid on that shit, am I? Where's Craig? Warren, no.
Just get Craig.
I'll have a word with him.
No, Warren, he's not even working.
Craig! Craig! Craig! Everything OK, Charlie? No, it's not.
Charlie would like his discount on these items, please.
Are these all pond items? Yes.
Well, the discount does not apply to pond items, because the pond items are owned by an external company.
So Are you saying I can't have a discount? Sadly, not on these items, no.
Are you taking the piss? I'm sorry? You mean I'm arseing around dropping him off here every morning Once.
For what? So he can spend eight hours a week watering pissing pot plans and I can't even get a little windmill for my pond? Could you keep your language down, please, sir? No, I bloody can't.
200 quid that last cost! Shut up, Warren! I'm so sorry, Craig.
There's no point working here if you can't get the discount.
Come on, we're going home.
No, Warren, you're going home.
I got this job, and I'm staying here.
Oh, suddenly he wants the bloody job! I think it's time you left, sir.
Give me the discount, and I will.
Just leave, Warren, please.
I've told you already, you can't get one.
You're a twat.
You're not a twat, Craig.
Right, get out.
Not without that lining, I won't.
Mo, get him out of here.
Let me have the lining.
I'll pay for that.
I've got good money.
Get off! Oi! You're banned, for life! I'll come back when you're not here, mate, and I'll get the discount, you twat! Oi, get off! I've got human rights All right, all right! They don't even do a bloody discount! Right, let's get you home, your hour's nearly up.
Perhaps, maybe next time, I can have the full hour.
It's just I've only had about five minutes actual driving today, so I think you've had a bit more than five minutes.
If you hadn't stalled it 12 times, we might have got somewhere.
Well, the thing is, I actually MOBILE RINGS Shut up.
Anne, you won't believe this.
What? Oh No, don't do anything.
No.
Stay there.
All right, I'll come home.
Get out, knob head, lesson's over.
What? You'll have to get the bus, mate.
Go on.
Hurry up.
Who is it? It's me.
Is that you, Warren? Yes.
How do I know it's you? You could be an impostor.
Well, open the bloody door and have a look.
When was the last time you saw my mother? What? It's a test, so I know it's you.
When was the last time you saw my mother? I don't know, a couple of weeks ago.
Wrong.
She came around here Thursday, to drop off Dad's karate kit! All right, ask me another one.
Erm What's the capital of China? Are you having a pub quiz in there? Just answer the question.
Do you know the answer? No, but I will when you say it.
Beijing.
UNLOCKS DOOR It is you, thank God! What the bloody hell is going on, Anne? I think there's someone in the garage.
I think it's the murderer.
Oh, don't be silly.
I heard banging against the wall.
That's probably next-door's builders, wondering what's for dinner.
WASHING MACHINE BANGS AND RATTLES Happy now? Oh, yes, I forgot I put a load on.
Maybe I should go back to the Harvester, see if I can get some more information Absolutely not.
This nonsense has to stop.
Tea? Yes.
Beijing.
I'd have put my money on Hong Kong.
Well Danny! Danny! Jesus! Shut up, you prat! It's me.
I need your help.
Right, see that black lining in the skip? Yeah.
Go on, then.
What? Go, get it.
I can't! What if someone sees me? I'll look out for you, go on.
I can't.
Well, I can't, can I, either, not with my bad back! Go on! Warren, isn't this stealing? It's not stealing, if you've put it in the bin, is it? Oh, come on! I'll get you one of those little game console things you like.
How much are they? It depends.
400 quid? 400 quid?! All right, I'll get you something else.
Maybe a hat, or something.
Do you like hats? Mum says I don't look good in hats.
Well, that suits you.
What if we got broadband instead? What is it with you and bloody broadband? I just want to do my homework.
Danny, stop being such a nerd.
Maybe I should go back to bed, Warren.
I've got school in the morning.
All right, I'll look into getting broadband.
But no promises.
Deal? No promises.
Go on.
Use your back.
Pull with your back.
It's too heavy.
All right, on my count - one, two, three.
Christ! Are you all right, Warren? All right, Chris? What are you doing? You know, Danny wanted to have a chat.
Behind a skip? Yeah, I didn't get it either, but it's what he wanted.
You all right, Danny? Hi, Chris.
Why have you got a pair of tights on your head? Yeah, why have you got a pair of tights on your head? Because you Chris, if you don't mind, I think me and Danny need a serious chat about his behaviour.
Say no more, teenagers! Goodnight.
Oh yeah, I hear you.
Who goes for a bloody run at half past two in the morning?! You're definitely buying me an Xbox now.
Yeah, whatever.
Come on.
Get in, and pull it over.
Go on.
Oof! Keep it down, Danny! Stop being so dramatic! VOICES AND RUSTLING OUTSIDE Hello, police.
Yes, there's a murderer, in my back garden, burying my husband.
Well, partner, we're not married.
I was hoping he was going to ask, but, well, so far, nothing.
Chuck me over the tape measure.
Where is it? It's by your foot, chuck it over here.
Oh, God! Danny, you prat! You told me to chuck it.
Not in my bloody face, I didn't, you bell-end! Look at me now! I'm bleeding! Sorry, Warren.
Here.
DOORBELL RINGS BANGING ON DOOR Christ, it's Ian! Get back in the pond, and shut up.
Yes? Is everything all right, sir? If this is about the lining, I can explain.
The lining? Warren, was that you being murdered in the garden? What's going on in the garden, sir? Just a bit of digging.
At three o'clock in the morning? Is it three already? Are you there, Warren? Speak to me.
What are you digging, sir? A hole! What the bloody hell do you think I'm digging? Peggy, if Warren's with you, tell him I love him.
Do you mind if I just check that the rest of your family are safe, sir? Of course they're safe! What do you think, I've chopped them up and buried them in the garden?! Do you have to take him away? He's only ever had a couple of parking tickets, and one of them he got off on appeal.
It's just standard procedure, it's a very serious allegation.
Yeah, I'm ever so sorry about that.
When can I come and pick him up? It's just I promised he'd trim the hedge by Monday.
We'll let you know in the morning, but we've also had reports of his car fly-tipping, so it could take a little longer.
Warren, can I still get an Xbox? Not now, Danny.
If Warren goes down, does that mean I get a new driving instructor? Hey! Will you give him breakfast? He likes brown toast with jam.
Do you have brown? I can give you some out of the freezer, if not.
WARREN: All right, move it up to second, don't bloody rag it!