Warren (2019) s01e02 Episode Script

The Rival

I'll get a taxi to the pavement, shall I? How does two o'clock on Wednesday sound? Er, no.
I don't think this is working out, Warren.
What do you mean, it's not working out? I'm not very happy with you at the moment.
Why, what have I done? I mean, how long have you got? Well, not that long, actually, since you spent half an hour pissing around on the A6.
See, this is exactly what Your satnav told us to go that way.
Oh, it's my satnav's fault, is it? Naughty satnav, don't do that again.
All right, well, what about last week? I had to wait 25 minutes while we picked your son up from school.
He's not my son.
Look, Warren, I've decided to go with Daz's Drivers.
Daz's Drivers?! He's crap.
No, he's not, and he's got a website where you can book lessons online He hasn't had a single pass, and he drives a Fiat.
You can't learn to drive in a Fiat.
I know loads of people who passed with him.
Like who? Like Duncan Green.
He passed with him.
Duncan Green? Lying little sod.
He told me he couldn't afford lessons any more.
Look, Warren, I just think it's best if we go our separate ways.
Go on, then.
Get out.
No, look, Warren, I don't want to fall out Go On, off you go.
Go on.
Get on your website, make a date with your new boyfriend Daz.
And don't come crying to me when you fail, you muppet.
Hello, Anne.
Seen this? What's that? Oh, you're having a laugh! How did that even get on the front page? Betty Wellington from across the road.
Ain't it good news? I know who it bloody is.
No, it isn't good news.
I've lost six students this week to that bloke.
Well, I think it's wonderful.
She's got her independence now, hasn't she? She shouldn't even be behind the wheel.
She's shot to pieces, the doddery old cow.
She came round here a couple of months ago, spent the first ten minutes talking to the bookcase.
Don't exaggerate! Daz is obviously very good.
Charlie loves him.
What do you mean, Charlie loves him? Eh? What do you mean, Charlie loves him? I Anne? Yeah? I know when you're lying.
Oh, Charlie's been having a few lessons with Daz.
Oh, I don't believe it.
You never even let him in the driver's seat.
He's not ready for the driver's seat.
He isn't even a good passenger yet.
You know he's got a website? Charlie? No, Daz.
You can book lessons with him online.
Oh, Warren, you'd look great on a website.
Why don't you get your own one? Wouldn't know where to start.
Bet Danny could help you.
Where is he? Danny! Danny, I need you to make me a website.
Well, I can, but that stuff takes ages.
I've got to practise my clarinet.
Shove your clarinet.
I'm losing students.
I need a website so people can find me online.
There's probably stuff about you online already, Warren.
Have you ever tried googling yourself? No, I haven't, cos I'm not a sad bastard.
Look, Warren Thompson Driving School.
Oh, Warren, you're famous.
Average rating, 2.
3 stars.
Out of what? Ten.
Ten? What's it say? "Do not learn to drive with this man.
"We broke down and he charged me "for the time it took the RAC to tow us home.
" I should have charged her for the bloody clutch as well.
"Warren Thompson was nice at first, but when one of my cheques bounced "he held me hostage in his car "until my mum came out of work with the cash.
" Hostage, my arse.
It was an hour, tops.
At least he said you were nice at first.
Actually, maybe we should What is it? "Warren Twatson Driving School?" What's that? It looks like someone's made a Facebook page about you.
Yeah, but that's not your surname, Warren.
It Must be someone else.
No, there's a picture of Warren here in stockings and suspenders.
Oh, when did you take that? I didn't, Anne.
Someone's just put my head on that photo.
Oh, God, all this stuff on the internet.
I can't afford to lose any more students, Anne, I'll go bankrupt.
Don't be silly.
Danny can get on with your website tonight.
We could make some flyers, go hand them out around town tomorrow.
Do you think that'd help? Couldn't do any harm, I guess.
Yeah, everything will be fine.
Oh, here he is, Judas bloody Iscariot.
What are you on about? What are you on about? Daz's Drivers ring any bells? Cheers for that, Mum.
Sorry, love, it just came out.
I'm glad it did.
You want to watch yourself there.
I've heard things about him.
Like what? I heard he punched a student in the stomach once just for stalling.
You just made that up.
No, I haven't.
Happened to a mate of mine's brother.
You don't know him.
Well, it's not true.
Daz is a really nice guy and he actually lets me drive like a normal instructor, not like you.
You're a tosser.
Oh, I'm a tosser.
Did you hear that? I'm a tosser.
I'm the tosser who puts the food on the table that you shove in your stupid, fat face.
Charlie, don't call Warren a tosser, please.
"I booked a two-hour driving lesson with Warren Thompson and we spent "the first hour waiting for his MOT to be done.
" All right, Danny, give it a break.
ON PHONE: Daz's Drivers? BAD WEST COUNTRY ACCENT: Oh, hello there.
Is that Daz's Drivers? Oh, good.
I'd like to book some driving lessons, please.
Well, I'm very keen.
Maybe I could book you for a whole afternoon.
What about Wednesday? Or Thursday, then.
Or Friday.
IN OWN ACCENT: Well, no wonder you're all booked up, you've been pinching everyone else's students, you wanker! Anne, are you going help me, or are you just going to gossip all day? Oh, Warren, this is Maggie.
She was just telling me that Paula with the crutches from Peacocks has started seeing Barry with the glasses from the Co-op.
He's only just split up with his wife because she found him in bed with that one who works part-time at the library.
I'm sorry, love, what's this got to do with me? Well, Maggie says Barry lives next door to Daz.
Oh, right.
Go on.
Well, no, that's it, he just lives next door to Daz.
Christ, Anne.
Just trying to help.
Well, you want to tell Barry to be careful, Maggie, living next door to Daz, cos I've heard that him and his missus like to chuck their keys in the old bowl, if You catch my drift.
Hello, there.
I'm Warren Thompson.
I'm a local Councillor? We Know who you are.
You lot only show up when there's a bloody election on.
Aye, Tory, no doubt.
It were you lot that changed the bin collection times.
No, I'm not a councillor.
I've got to go to the tip myself now, just to get rid.
At his age! You've got me wrong.
I'm not even a bloody Tory.
Yes, you are.
What? You are a Tory.
You voted Tory last election, and the one before.
Oh, all right, I've voted for them before, but See? Bloody Tory! Look at my leaflets, mate.
We don't want to know, mate.
Take your leaflet and bugger off.
Right, Anne, we're going.
And don't come back.
I Won't come back.
Up yours.
Oh, I just can't believe that.
I know, they wouldn't let me get a word in.
Every two weeks for the bins.
Must be a nightmare.
What's that? Oh, no, Warren, stop.
What is it? Aw, it's a cat.
Oh, no.
Is it dead? Yeah, poor little bugger.
Has it got a collar? No.
Who does that, just drives off like that? Oh, love, we can't just leave him here.
Maybe we should take him to the vet, see if he's got a chip.
Yeah, that's a good idea.
Come on.
Mr Fluffy! What have you done? Oh, my God, we're sorry.
We Are so sorry.
Hang on a minute, no, we're not.
We just found it like this.
He was my best friend! We'll buy you a new one, darling.
We bloody won't buy them a new one, we never killed this one! We'll get you a new cat, I promise.
Anne! It would be nice if the pig who ran over Mr Fluffy actually had the decency to apologise.
I found the bloody thing.
I didn't run it over! It's been dead for hours.
Look, it's stiff as board.
Feel it! What is wrong with you, you moron? What's wrong with me? I'll tell you what's wrong with me, I've found a dead cat and somehow now I have to fork out for a new one! We'll get you a new cat, I promise.
Please don't cry.
No, we won't.
Anne, get in the car.
Here, take it.
There you go.
I'm going to the Preston Observer about you.
Good luck with that.
You don't even know who I am.
Oh, bollocks.
We'll get you a new cat, I promise.
Anne! Come on.
Bloody disaster.
No, it wasn't.
Well, it could've gone better, I suppose, but think of the positives.
You met Maggie.
Oh, congratulations, Betty! Oh, I mean, how did she even pass? Do you need a hand, Betty, love? Yep, you've got loads of room.
Yep, you're all right now, come on, yeah, now, just left a little We're in the lounge, Anne.
What are they doing here? Oh, I don't know, who knows? Anne? Well, I mean, I might've mentioned something about your work not going so great recently, and then maybe Mam said something about her and dad lending you a bit of money.
Well, what did you do that for? I'm not a charity case! No, I know, just make sure you say thank you.
Hiya, Mam, hiya, Dad.
Hello, love.
Where have you been? Oh, just in town, bit of a drama.
Warren got banned from the street for changing the bin times, and then he ran over a cat.
I Didn't run over a cat.
Why did you change the bin times, Warren? I didn't change the bin times, Sheila, they thought I was someone else.
Sorry, where have you been? In town.
He ran over a cat, and then he changed the bin times.
Oh, right.
Sit down a second, Warren.
I think Mam and Dad wanted to mention something to you.
Well, we've heard that things aren't going too well at work for you recently, Warren, what with that nice new man starting up in town.
He is not a nice man.
He is part of a cult.
Well, we didn't want to see you going without, so we thought we'd give you a bit of money, just to see that you're all right.
Yeah, thanks, Sheila, I don't need any m Here you are, Danny.
Give that to Warren.
Right, there you go, Danny.
Look, we're saved.
Nanny's given us a fiver.
Warren We are going to Disneyland after all.
Warren, what do you say? Thank you, Sheila, that's very kind of you.
They're right.
Let's get the kettle on, shall we? Come on.
Just pay it back whenever you're ready.
All right, Bill.
We're all thinking about you, Warren.
Thanks again, Sheila.
How's the website going? Well, I've bought you a domain name, and I've managed to get your online rating up to 3.
Is that all? Warren, it was a losing battle even before people found out you killed that cat.
I didn't! What?! How did that get there so quick? Oh, there's a hashtag for you and everything.
But I've made you a Facebook page.
How's that doing? Well, you've got one follower so far, and that's Nanny.
When did she get Facebook? I signed her up.
She wanted to see the Warren Twatson page.
Oh, for Christ's sake! I'm gonna have a bath.
That's their drive.
So, yep, no, forward, do something with the wheel.
Either would do, either would do! Yep, and then pull left.
Pull left! Pull left.
That's their drive.
Doesn't matter, it's just pavement RUNNING WATER IN BATHROOM ON PHONE: Daz's Drivers? Wanker! Oh, it'll be all right, love.
It's just been a bad month.
They say you're only three bad months away from being homeless.
Oh, don't worry about that.
Me mam said me and the boys can move in with them.
Oh, you're all right, then? Look, love, I was thinking, maybe you could try, just, you know, maybe being a bit I don't know, nicer to people? Oh, don't you start.
Just hear me out, Warren.
I know how kind and thoughtful you are.
I see how much you do for me and the boys, the way you always put us first, the way you'd die for us.
Well, no, I wouldn't go that far But it's just sometimes, to other people, you can come across as a bit, well, rude.
Like when? Well, like when you had a row with that lad in Morrisons for taking too long to pay for his chocolate bar.
Anne, he was counting the cash out, penny by penny.
He Was seven, Warren.
Why don't you try just making a real effort to be nice to people, just for now? All right, I'll try extra hard to be nice to people.
Good idea, love.
He just should have had his cash ready, that's all I'm saying.
So, I've got to admit, Warren, I wasn't sure how you'd feel about taking me back after, you know.
Oh, you're a cracking student, Ashley, I'm lucky to have you.
Probably should have checked to see whether Daz actually had any availability before I just told you I was leaving like that.
I think you've had a lucky escape, actually.
I've heard he doesn't let his students use the brakes because it wears down the pads.
Wow, that move up to third from second, that was sensational, Ashley.
That's how I've always done it.
I don't think I've said how good it was before.
When are you taking your test again? Tuesday.
Oh, you'll nail it, Ashley, with moves like that.
Right, what's going on? What do you mean? Well, you're just being sort of nice.
Yeah? Yeah, almost friendly.
Am I? I hadn't noticed.
I'm always like that.
Why don't you go online, leave a review about what a good teacher I am? Er, if you want me to.
Well, only if you want to.
Yeah, all right.
Oh, look who it is, Daz's bloody Drivers.
PHONE RINGS Daz's Drivers? Wanker! Oh, for Goodness' sake.
Another prank call? All the bloody time.
I must be getting ten a day.
I Reckon it was him that stole the sign off the roof of my car as well.
Seriously? That's crazy.
And he's been spreading rumours about me around town.
My neighbour knocked on my door last night, asking if he could join the next swingers party.
Do you have any idea who's doing it? Not a clue.
The coward always withholds his number.
I swear, Charlie, I'm not a violent man, but if I ever got my hands on him, I don't think I'd be able to control myself.
I don't blame you.
It sounds like he deserves it.
See, it doesn't just affect me.
It affects my wife and my child.
These calls are coming through at all hours and waking us up.
I can't remember the last time I had a good night's sleep.
HE MOUTHS SILENTLY I bet they're having a whale of a time in there, laughing at my expense.
I'm sure they're not.
Apparently, Daz is a really nice guy.
Oh, yeah, you northerners, you always stick together.
All right, I'm just saying! Geez, you being friendly didn't last very long, did it? Well, what's the point when nasty bits of work like that keep winning? Indicating left in the middle lane.
That's a minor.
Oh, for When did you run over a cat? I didn't run over a cat! That's not what the sign says.
Shut up! Hello, Warren.
Anne, they made a sign! Who's made a sign? Kids, the bloody bastard kids with their cat! What do you mean, they've made a sign? They've made a bloody great 20 foot sign that says, "Warren Thompson killed our cat!" Well, don't panic.
People might think it's a different Warren Thompson.
Or Warren Twatson.
Shut your face! Anne, we've got to get it down! I'm losing customers! Er, the brown and white one, I think.
What? What are you on about? Sorry, love? Where are you? Er, just in town.
Has he had his jabs? What? Did you say jabs? No, no, I don't think so.
What are you getting in town? Nothing, just a vase.
You're doing it again, I know when you're lying, Anne.
Oh, Warren, I'm buying them kids a new cat.
We have to replace it.
We promised and I'm buying it now, so There's no going back.
Don't you dare.
Which one are you at, Wonderful World of Pets? Too late, I'm buying him now.
All right, Ashley, pull over.
I'm driving from here.
What? No, not again.
What Oh, Warren, this is my lesson! Get your arse out of that seat! Go on! Hang on! Anne! What are you doing? Warren, we have to replace their cat.
No, we bloody don't! I've felt guilty ever since.
Go and give it back! Can we get on with my lesson, Warren? Shut up! He is not ours to give back! I'm sorry, sir, but you can't park here without a disabled badge.
Warren Anne, this is madness! I'm going to have to ask you to move your vehicle immediately.
I'm not putting him back.
We promised them.
No, you promised them.
Warren, this is stupid.
I am paying for this lesson.
Shut up! I'm afraid I'm going to have to fine you, sir.
Take the cat back! Stop shouting, you're frightening him! Anne! My Reputation's in tatters! My blood pressure's through the roof, and all you can do is go around giving people pissing cats! Ooh! Come on, my love.
"Local driving instructor pretends to be Tory councillor, "kills cat and then abuses parking attendant on day of retirement.
" Well, they do say all publicity is good publicity! Well, thank you for calling, love, I'll let him know.
That was another one.
Who was it this time? Laura.
Oh! Said she saw the paper and didn't want to be associated with a cat-killing scumbag, so she's gone with Daz's Drivers.
What am I going to do? If Ashley passes this afternoon, I have lost 15 pupils this month, 15! To The same bloke! Danny, how's that website coming on? Well, it's coming along, but we've had some more bad reviews come in after you swore at that man retiring.
How was I supposed to know he was retiring? What about Facebook? Oh, I'm glad you mentioned Facebook, actually, I found some good things on there.
Really? Yeah, the first one is a photo of you driving through a retirement party, laughing.
The second one is a picture of you holding a gun to a cat's head while wearing your Tory party rosette.
Anne! And the third one is a petition titled, "Get this cat-killing scumbag off our streets," which is basically a petition to get you banned from Preston, which I have signed.
Shut up! Why is that cat still here? Well, I took it to that family yesterday, and they said they didn't want it in the end.
They didn't want it, after she stitched me up in the paper? Why didn't they want it? Well, the lady said she doesn't want charity off, erm Cat-killing scumbag? It was "cat-killing scumbag," yeah.
Oh! Right, I've got to take Ashley for his test.
We're not keeping it, Anne, we're not.
We can't take you back now, can we, Mr Fluffy 2? Sure you want to do this? You look a bit nervous.
I am nervous, but I think I'll Well, maybe you shouldn't do your test today.
I think I should probably take you home, book you some more lessons and wait until you're really ready.
No, I think I'll be fine.
I feel confident.
All right, make your bloody mind up.
Ashley Akins? Yeah.
Hiya, Warren.
You all right, Bob? Yeah, won't be long, eh? Wish him luck.
Yep, good luck, you'll be fine.
Watch this one, mate.
He's crap.
ON PHONE: Daz's Drivers? Wanker! Have I had an accident at work? Oh, I wish, yeah! Anyway, you have a nice one, all right, cheers.
Morning, Julie.
Hello, Daz.
You all right, love? Are you still getting those weird calls? Oh, don't.
I've literally just had one a second ago.
Do you know who that bloke is? How did you get on? Passed.
Passed? Yeah.
Christ's sake, you passed him? With flying colours, actually.
He were very good.
Let me double-check.
How did he get on at roundabouts? He panics at roundabouts.
Emergency stop was good.
You got a minor here for mirrors.
Mirrors, yeah, but it's just a minor, you know, so Just a minor? That used to be a major.
Are you new here? You know I'm not, Warren! All right, chill out, Bob.
Go on, Ashley, you can drive home.
Oi, Thompson! Drive! I want a word with you! What? Just go! I know it was you, you bastard! Why's he chasing us? I told you, he's a psycho! Come on, Ashley, put your foot down! It's 30 miles an hour.
Sod 30 miles an hour, this bloke's going to rip my head off! Come on! Overtake them.
I can't! Go in the bus lane.
Jesus, Warren, you're a maniac! Just drive faster, Ashley, you've passed your test now! Five minutes ago! You're a dead man, Thompson! I'm going to kick your teeth in! See, you thought he was a nice bloke! It's a red light, Warren! Just keep going! There's people crossing! Fuck 'em! HORN BLARES Sorry! Right, where am I going? Er, take the next left.
What? Take the next left, Ashley, you tit! You're still going to drop me home, right? Pull up here.
Pull up! Come on, fight like a man, you bastard! I promise you, Daz, it wasn't me.
You lying little shit! Honestly, you've got the wrong guy! You're a liar! I haven't slept for weeks because of you! Look, I swear on Charlie's life, it wasn't me! Is This yours, Warren? It Was him! It's him! Right, I'm going to smash your face in, you lying piece of Bloody hell, Betty! OK, excellent, that's you all booked in for 10.
30 on Tuesday.
I'll see you then.
Another one? Yeah.
The phone's been ringing off the hook.
He's had to take on all of Daz's pupils.
What was it, then? Oh, broken fibula, two fractured tibia, dislocated kneecap and a collapsed lung! Oh, fantastic news! That's brilliant, Warren.
He'll be out for months.
Yeah, and what with all the physio, as well.
Good old Betty! Right, I'd better get on.
These pupils won't pass themselves.
Before I go, Sheila, there you go, keep the change.
Count it.
HE WHISTLES "ODE TO JOY" Ready? You're not going to let me drive, are you? No, mate.
This tosser doesn't think you're ready yet.
And easy on the accelerator, and release the clutch, and away we go.
Is That Mr Fluffy? CAT YELPS Oh, bollocks!
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