Warren (2019) s01e03 Episode Script

The Tax Return

You got a boyfriend? Yeah, I just started seeing someone, actually.
Alright.
What sort of music you into? All sorts, really.
What, are you at college, then? Yeah, I'm studying, um "Spiced Double Chicken Meal" Oh finally! Where's the straw? Its in the bag.
Didn't get a straw last time.
What about barbecue sauce? One? What, they take it out of your wages, mate? Give us another! And I'll need a receipt for that.
Tax return's due on Monday.
You sure you don't want anything? No I'm fine.
I just wouldn't mind getting on with my lesson, please.
Alright Preesha, Put it in gear, a little bit of gas, and easy on the clutch.
Oh, he's just stepped in now, I'm going to ask him Its Colin, he wants to know if you'll meet him at the pub tonight? Which Colin? My sister's Colin.
- No chance.
- Why not? You know why not.
He's a knob head.
All he does is moan.
Oh Warren, he's been signed off work with stress for eight months.
Stress? He works in IT, what's he stressed about? He lost his mouse mat? Stress affects different people in different ways.
You want to know about stress, try taking a bloke with narcolepsy out for a driving lesson.
He only woke up when I started screaming.
Well its either seeing Colin, or making a start on that list of things to fix around the house.
I put a cookbook on the shelf this afternoon and that's come down as well.
- What's happened there? - It was half hanging off anyway.
Why'd you put a book on it if its half hanging off? It's a shelf, you're meant to put books on it.
So Colin, or DIY? He'd love to come, Colin, he's on his way now.
And you can make a start on that list when you got back.
Thanks for coming.
I didn't know who else to talk to.
And I drew the short straw.
I would have called your mobile but I remember you saying how it kept automatically blocking me number.
Yes, weird that, innit? Anyway cheers.
Colin? Colin! Oh right, ya sorry.
Cheers Warren.
Bloody hell, what's the matter with you? Its like talking to that deaf kid I teach, I gave up in the end.
Well hey don't make a scene.
I've just been so bored, y'know, since I got signed off work.
I've been sat at home twiddling me thumbs, goin' out of me bloody mind.
- And that's when I got this email.
- What email? An email from the Crown Prince of Equatorial Guinea telling me he had some good news.
He said I'd won the Equatorial Guinea State Lottery, nearly 8 million dollars.
I couldn't believe it! He said all I needed to do was move some money for the legal fees and it'd be in me account by the morning.
Oh you didn't, did you? Two and a half grand.
All the money Liz and I set aside for that cruise.
And the thing is, Warren, I hadn't won the Equatorial Guinea State Lottery.
It were all a scam! Of course it was, you prat! I don't know how I fell for it all.
That picture of Mr.
N'Kogo holding a giant check just look so realistic.
He had a lovely big smile on his face.
I'll bet he did! I'll bet he couldn't believe his luck when you replied.
- It was him that won the lottery.
- But what do I do now, Warren? How can I tell Liz we're not going on holiday? We're supposed to be leaving next week! What? The Crown Prince of bloody Equatorial Guinea 8 million.
It must have been a rollover, eh? I've been a right pillock, haven't I? Yes you have, yeah.
Oh, she's going to kill me, Warren.
No she won't.
If I know Liz, she'll see the funny side of it.
Just go home, tell her you've got a good story, and you'll both be pissing yourselves by the morning.
- You reckon? - Yeah.
Its only a couple of weeks on a boat, isn't it? Its not like you signed away your life savings.
No, the bank stepped in and cancelled that transaction.
- What? - Thanks Warren.
You're right, I'm overthinking it, aren't I? Where're you going? Well, there's no time like the present, is there? Aren't you going to buy me a pint back? Colin? Knob head! Oh, the poor bugger.
Can't catch a break at the minute.
What with this, his job, and that cat that keeps crapping in his bird bath.
Well if he calls again, tell him I'm dead or something.
Hang on, where are you going? I'm doin' my tax returns - due on Monday.
Not 'til this list's finishing up.
Warren, the house is falling apart.
The bathroom tap's dripping upstairs.
That mirror needs rehanging in the hallway, Charlie's beds broken.
Right, well I'll just ask Her Majesty's Revenue And Custom to tread water while I fix your doorbell, shall I? Doorbell! Forgot that one! Hey Mom Well you look nice.
New cardy? No, I've had it years.
I'm just saying you look nice, is all.
What are you after? I'm not after anything, I'm just complimenting my mother.
So I was thinking can I have a girl stay around? No chance, it's not a knocking shop, mate.
Oh please, come on! I'm an adult and I really like her.
That's what you said about Rosa, and Isla and Sofia! Yeah, and they all dumped you within the week.
No they didn't dump me, I dumped them actually, and anyway, Preesha's different.
Preesha? Preesha who? Not Preesha Gupta? - Maybe.
- Well you know I teach her, don't you? Oh well she definitely can't stay then.
That's a conflict-of-interest.
He's not the one dating her, I am! Yeah, but her family is filthy rich and she's crap at driving.
I'm going to make money off of her for years, so you find someone else to muck about with your dirty little plumb.
You shouldn't be mucking about with anyone at your age, pal.
Accidents happen.
How do you think you were born? I'm not gonna get her pregnant.
That's what your dad said.
9 months later I were in the Royal Preston with me legs in stirrups while Trevor were on one knee proposing.
Jesus, she did not find that funny.
Well what, what'd she say? She kicked me out! Said I could find somewhere else to sleep tonight.
I had to get the bus.
What are you gonna do, find yourself a hotel? I've got no money, Warren.
I gave it all to the Crown Prince of Equatorial Guinea.
Can I not stay here? There's a YMCA in town.
That's cheap as chips.
Oh c'mon, you said she'd find it funny.
So it's my fault now, is it? Hello Colin luv, everything alright? She kicked me out, Anne.
Can I sleep here tonight? 'Course you can, luv.
We're just having penne pasta.
Would you like some penne pasta? Oh, that'd be lovely.
I haven't eaten since lunch You had a bag of nuts an hour ago.
I'd better call Liz, make sure she's alright.
Grab his bag, will ya? - Just pop it straight in me room, Warren.
- Oh for Thanks for this, Warren.
I appreciate you letting me stay.
Hello? Bed feels like it's gone a bit.
Sleep in the car if you're that bothered.
No no, this is fine.
I remember when me and Liz got our first bed Ya, good night, Colin.
Warren, why can't I just sleep on the sofa? 'Cause the last time you slept on the sofa your mother came downstairs to a big pair of tits staring back at her from the telly.
Why do you always bring that up? I was fourteen.
I told ya, I was trying to find the National Geographic channel.
Yeah, instead you got the National Pornographic Channel, ya pervert.
Liz is ever so annoyed, Warren.
She were really looking forward to that cruise.
Apparently he told her the whole thing as if it were funny.
No wonder she hit the roof.
Did did he? What a prat! I said to him, man, I said "Colin, this is no laughing matter.
You'd better break it to her gently.
" Oh, she was effin' and jeffin'.
She always had a temper, Liz, but not like this.
I remember when Ken Appleby dumped her in the middle of Argos.
She turn around and whacked him with one of the catalogues.
He were out cold before he hit the floor.
Well, I'm not having him moping around here for two nights in a row.
We'll take him back in the morning, whether she wants him or not.
Oh, I don't know, Warren, I think we should give her a bit of space One more night won't hurt.
No, she married him, she should be the one stuck with him.
Anyway she'll have calmed down by the morning.
Although we'd better hide the Argos catalogue just in case.
Bloody hell, Colin, what are you doing? Oh sorry, Warren, this shelf's been on me mind all night.
I couldn't sleep, thinking about it.
Have you sanded that down? Yeah, just gives it a nicer finish, doesn't it? Oh, before I forget, I sorted out Charlie's bed, and I stopped the bathroom tap from leaking as well.
I hope you don't mind? No, knock yourself out, mate.
Always did enjoy a bit of DIY.
Besides, me therapist said its good for taking me mind off everything.
Anyway, I think I might head back home now.
Try groveling to Liz, see if she'll forgive me.
Thanks for letting me stay, Warren.
Uh.
.
ha.
.
ha hang on a second, Colin, don't, uh, dash off right away! Oh mate, I've enjoyed being here too, but I know what Liz is like.
Oh, alright.
Fine.
Fair enough.
Its your funeral.
What, you think I'm making a mistake? If it was me, I would just wait it out, Play hard-to-get, let her realize how much she misses you first.
No, I can't do that can I? 'Course you can! Trust me, Leave it a bit longer and she'll be apologizing to you.
- You reckon? - Yeah, yeah, definitely! And in the meantime if you want something to do, there's plenty of things that need fixing around here, you know.
if it'll help you take our mind off everything.
Well, ya sure, okay.
Yeah, I think there's even a list of of it, actually oh yeah, look! Yeah, there it is, I knew I'd seen it the other day.
There, my treat! Thanks Warren You're the best mate anybody could ever ask for.
Yeah, but just keep it between the two of us 'cause the tools were a gift from Anne and she gets a bit funny if anybody else uses them.
Oh gotcha say no more.
Uh, paint and brushes? - In the shed, mate.
- Ah! Oh, you started already, well done.
Ah well, y'know, yes, I thought I'd get cracking on nice and early.
Oh, you've sanded it as well.
Yeah, just gives it a nicer finish, doesn't it? Also, Anne, I was thinking I think you're right about giving Liz a bit of space.
I suppose Colin could stay one more night, I don't really mind.
Oh, that's very kind of you, luv, I do think it would be for the best.
Yeah, perhaps you should get over there and check on Liz now.
You know, get the lay of the land.
Alright, yeah, I'll just make us some breakfast first.
Do you know what? I'd just head straight off.
We'd only worry, wouldn't we? Just throw on some clothes and get going.
And why don't you take an overnight bag just to be on the safe side? Aww, you are a very thoughtful man, Warren Thompson.
Just doing my best, Anne.
Someone order a stud? Uh, uh hey there, is Preesha in? Don't worry, Grandpa, I've got this.
I thought you said no one was in.
They weren't when I texted you an hour ago! Well, I had to cycle down here.
Trust me, I went as fast as I could! You're alright, you're really sweaty! Yeah no, I'm fine, but maybe we can jump in the shower.
No, my grandpa's here! Well can't we just nip upstairs for five minutes? I won't be long No, but my dad's left me his credit card to go shopping with, so I've got a better idea.
Hahahahaha It's not just losing the cruise that annoys me, its the fact that he kept it all a secret! You never know, maybe all this is a blessing in disguise.
He does get terribly sea sick.
I've put up with soooo much since he's been signed off.
His mood swings, his stupid OCD, his loss of libido.
We haven't had sex since November! And even then, he was only doing it for the body heat because I hadn't put the thicker duvet on yet.
Don't worry, I'm sure it'll all work itself out, luv.
Well where is he? I haven't had so much as a text.
What's he doing over there? Come on, I've got to use the computer.
Almost got the power back on nearly done.
Hey Warren, I were thinking Maybe I should just give her a quick call, talk it over.
I don't wanna make things worse.
No, Colin, just wait it out.
You're doing the right thing.
Concentrate on doing these little jobs, it'll take your mind off everything.
Oooh! You might want to put this chair on the list as well.
I think the back's gone.
- Ah, at last.
- There ya go.
Warren, you sure you don't think I should call her? What did I just say?! Give me your phone.
I'll keep that and stop the temptation.
Thanks, I really couldn't ask for a better best mate.
Yeah, you keep saying that.
Do ya think I could get a tea maybe, Warren? Alright, you do the chair, I'll do the tea.
Hello, Warren Thompson Hello luv, it's me, Anne Humphries.
Oh hello luv, hang on How's Liz? Oooh Warren, she's still pretty annoyed I'm going to take her to a spa for the night to cheer her up.
But you were right we should have taken him 'round first thing this morning.
No no no, more space.
That's just what the doctor ordered.
Ooooooh, its really not, Warren.
She's ever so angry.
But if he grovels now, I reckon she'll come around.
Can't she wait one more night? If he doesn't ring now, It'll only get worse.
Alright, I'll have a word with him.
- Ooooh, thanks luv.
Speak to you later.
- Alright.
Um Warren, will the electricity go off again, only I just lost half my essay.
Oh Danny, have the day off! Make us two teas and get rid of that ladder.
Ah right, Colin, okay, um, you're gonna have to stop doing all this stuff.
You need to call Bloody hell, Warren, these aren't the receipts for your work, are they? You know you can't claim for half of this? Ted's Fish and Chips Shop? - It was a working lunch.
- The lawn mower?! - Who are you, the FBI? Give those back! No, but I've been in accounting for twenty years, so I know what I'm doing.
Haaave you? I thought you worked for an IT company? Yeah, I do, in the Finance Department.
And If you want to save money, you want to claim back a percentage of your utility bills, say that your home is your office.
What, you can do that? Ah, there's loopholes there if you know them.
Anyway Its giving me a headache just thinking about it all again.
Sorry, what were ya saying? - That was Liz on the phone.
- That were Liz? Why didn't ya say? She's furious, uh, she doesn't want to speak to you, and she doesn't know if she'll ever want to speak to you again.
Oh my God Okay, uh, enough's enough.
I need to go 'round there right now and, uh No no no no, that'd be the worst thing to do.
Ooooooh Colin, you've really done it this time.
What you need is for someone to go round there and talk to her for you to smooth things over.
Obviously I'd love to help, but I've gotta do this bloody tax return.
Bugger! Anyway, best get going.
Okay How about I take a look at it? What, my tax return, really? I mean, me therapist will kill me, but if it means gettin me wife back, I'll do anything! Oh great, then I tell you what, I'll go around and talk to Liz right this minute.
Oh thanks Warren, that'd be great! Hello ladies, just checking in? Yes, it should be a twin room under Anne Humphries.
Just bear with me.
Awww, me and Colin stayed in a place like this on our honeymoon.
Trevor just took me to a Booklands.
Should have known then he were a tosser.
Oh it were lovely, Anne.
Rose petals on the bed, towels shaped like swans, Free shortbread biscuits, Trouser press in the wardrobe.
I thought we'd be happy forever.
I'm afraid your rooms not quite ready yet, but we're happy to hold your bags if you'd like to use our spa services while you wait.
Or, I can get you a table in our award- winning, pan-Asian restaurant Just point me in the direction of the bar, luv.
Certainly, its just through those doors over there.
Oi! Alright, mum? How you gettin' on, Colin? Haven't you finished yet? Been at that for hours! State of these accounts, Warren I can't get me head around them.
They're all over the place.
I've not seen anything like them in 20 years.
Well, they can't be that bad? Ya claimed more in expenses than you earned last year.
I've got a lot of outgoings, haven't I? Fuel, car insurance, that holiday wasn't going to pay for itself! This is going to take me all evening.
Christ, Colin, what are you working it out on, a bloody abacus? Warren, there are are six months of invoices is missing.
Alright, I'll go have a look.
There may be some in the boot.
Wait, what did Liz say? Um we had a good talk, Colin, yeah.
You should have seen me, I was sticking up for you, saying what a good bloke you are, and all of that, and I think by the end I was really starting to get through to her.
Oh Warren, that is music to my ears.
Should I call her now? No, she said leave it till the morning.
So that'll give you time to finish up the accounts and that, won't it? How's your food, Liz? I'm not really that hungry, to be honest.
I don't know why I ordered.
Oh, are you poorly? No, I chucked me husband out to teach him a lesson.
And has the cheeky bastard even tried to grovel? He hasn't even attempted it! - Alright.
- Where's that waitress? I wouldn't mind another white wine, just to wet me whistle.
Is it not wet enough for you now, luv? Well thanks for dinner.
Where do you thing you're going? To the room.
No you're bloody not, you horny little sod.
Sit down! Mum, you haven't even let us spend a second alone together all afternoon! Yes, because you're just like your dad.
I turn my back for one second and you're pumping anything that moves.
No offence, luv.
Mum, that is utter rubbish.
I've slept with one girl in my entire life! Really Well, yeah, I was a late bloomer.
Yes, but you've fallen in love every other day! Not like this, though.
Me and Preesha have a proper connection! I don't know if I'd go that far.
You're better off without a man anyway, Preesha, 'cause he'll only send your cruise money to the Crown Prince of Equatorial bloody Guinea! Listen, Preesha has paid for this room for us, and we're going to have the night together.
If we want to have sex, we're allowed to have sex.
We're consenting adults.
Okay, can we not have this conversation in front of your mom? And if Preesha paid for that room, she can stay in that room, on her own.
You're bunking in with me and Liz.
We're in love, whether you like it or not! Actually you know what? I might just stay in that room on my own after all.
- I thought we were gonna - Thanks for dinner, good night everyone! - Good night, luv.
- Good night Preesha, enjoy the space.
Who fancies pudding? - Should we get another bottle? - Oh Christ Why hasn't he called her? What can I do, Anne? I told Colin to call her and apologize, but he wouldn't have it.
He's now got it in his head that Liz should apologize to him! How'd he work that out? I don't know.
He's a weird bloke, always has been.
Christ, I won't tell her that, she'll go spare.
She's already got a meeting Wednesday with her solicitor to talk about divorce proceedings.
Hold on, that's a bit drastic! Oooh, I mean it, Warren, she's seething! Alright, I'll bring him to the hotel tomorrow morning and they can sort it out.
Yeah good idea, force them to talk.
Let's say 10 o'clock, they should be finished by then.
Finished what? Finished bloody acting like this.
Have you spoken to Charlie today? Yes he's here, trying to bonk Preesha Gupta.
I wasn't trying to bonk her.
Shhh, keep the noise down, your aunt's asleep.
She's not asleep, she's in a coma.
Christ, you haven't been here all night, have you Colin? One second I'm nearly done.
There sent! What, all of it? Oh great, thanks mate! I'll just go have a little lie-down.
No no, we haven't got time.
I've got some good news! Colin? Colin, wake up, listen! I just spoke to Liz, right, and she's decided that she wants to try and make things work.
That's great news, isn't it?! You and her back together again at last! I'll take you to go see her, but first have a little wash 'cause your humming.
No, I don't think I'll bother, Warren.
What?! I sat here last night thinking, what have I become? I'm pathetic.
She deserves better.
Well, she probably does, yeah, but she's married to you now.
Come on, mate! We should never got married in the first place She were better off with Ken bloody Appleby.
Alright now, Colin, that's enough of this now.
You don't know how hard I had to work to get her to see you again.
Tell her I'm sorry, but its over.
What time's he meant to be arriving? Oooh, not long, and I'm sure he'll have a big bunch of flowers with him.
He flaming better had! Two days and I've not heard a peep out of him.
Maybe I should go check on Preesha just in case she overslept.
Just sit down! Come on Colin, you're a smashing bloke.
You've got loads going for you.
She's lucky to have you! You're only saying that 'cause we're best mates.
I promise you, I'm not.
I'm not sure we really are mates, Colin.
I don't know where you got that from, I think you're an idiot.
Danny, I need you to help me.
Warren, no, please, I'm nowhere near finished on my essay.
Will you stop going on about your shitting essay? I need you to get in there and help me get Colin in the car.
Get Colin in the car why? Why, why, why? You sound like a bloody toddler! Stop asking pointless questions, come in there and give me a hand! Tell him something to boost his confidence.
Tell him he's wonderful or something.
Uncle Colin? Its either that, or he ends up getting a divorce and moving in here for good.
And that leaves Charlie on your floor for the next ten years 'cause you and me both know that lazy tosser isn't moving out anytime soon.
Right what do you need me to do? They're probably just stuck in traffic.
Maybe they got lost.
That satnav has been playing up for ages.
Let me call Warren.
Morning.
Right, that's it.
I'm leaving.
Sorry, I didn't mean to No Liz, please, just another five minutes, you need to talk to him.
Oh I'm going to talk to him, alright.
I'm going to tell him to shove his marriage up his bollocks.
Oh wait, can we get a lift? Yes, if you come right now.
I think I'll stay here, actually.
Oh, okay, Mum we're going to stay here.
No.
Not with you, Charlie.
All right.
Okay, so should I call you? No, I don't think so, no, its not really working out.
Yeah cool, yeah, don't matter, yeah, no worries.
Come on, Charlie.
Are you sure, because I could always - I'm sure.
- Yeah.
Hey Uncle Colin.
You alright? Not really, Danny, me whole life is falling apart.
Yeah, but I just wanted to say what a great couple you and Liz are.
You're a lovely man.
I've always admired ya.
- Really? - Yeah.
That's kind.
What do you admire about me? You're good with numbers and stuff, y'know, with your job and that.
Haven't worked in months.
Okay, not that then.
You don't mind people laughing at you.
Who's laughing at me? No, you're right, I'm a laughing stock.
I'll bet Prince N'Kogo is sat in his castle right now laughing his head off.
Oh for Christ's sake, Colin, just get in the car.
- Colin! - Hi Liz.
- Where is he?! - Liz! Don't you start the water works now, mate.
Oh baby, I'm so sorry! - I haven't heard a peep out of you.
- I've missed you so much! Jesus, Colin, you look horrendous.
It's only been two days.
I love you with all my heart.
Please, is there any way you could ever forgive me? Oh, Colin - I'll never hurt you ever again.
- Why didn't you ring? I wanted to, really I did, but Warren kept telling me to give you some space instead.
And then he took me phone off me.
Why'd you take his phone off him, Warren? Oh its not Warren's fault, he were only trying to help.
He even let me crack on with fixing some stuff around the house as well to take me mind off things.
- Oh, that were good of him.
- Yeah! Well I only did the light fitting, really, and Charlie's bed, and the bathroom tap, and the coat hooks in the hallway, and that shelf in the kitchen oh shit I still have to do the shoe cupboard.
Don't worry about that now, mate.
I got sidetracked doing his tax return.
Oh, what were you doing that for? You know what your therapist said! Well I only did it so Warren could go 'round and talk to you.
Wha he never came 'round to talk to me! Well it doesn't matter who said what to who at this point.
I think what matters now is the fact that the two of you are back together and that's lovely.
Warren, you've been lying to all of us! I've been helping! You've been doing the bloody opposite of helping! I did all your accounts for you, Warren.
I saved you a couple of grand, ya shithouse! Two grand? Bloody brilliant, Colin! You selfish, selfish man, Warren Thompson! Hang on, I'm not the villain in all this.
I'm not the tit that got stitched up by The Fresh Prince of Wherever Right, well I tell you what.
Warren's going to give you every penny of that money Colin saved him so you can both go on holiday after all.
Not a chance.
- Really? Would you do that, for us? - No! It might not be too late.
I could give the cruise company a call.
There's no bloody way I'm buying them a holiday.
Yes you bloody are.
Liz, Colin, we'd love to treat you to a cruise.
Thank you so much! That's amazing! - I love you, Liz.
I don't deserve you.
- Oh, come here.
- Oh god you stink! - Sorry! - Go and get your chequebook.
- Anne? - Chequebook! - Arrrr - Oh, look at this one, Warren, don't it look lovely? - Yeah.
Liz says they're having an amazing time.
Although Colin's been sea sick for most of it.
Good.
They're going paragliding later.
I suppose they want me to bloody pay for that as well.
Sorry about you and Preesha, luv.
She seemed like a lovely girl.
Well I just got bored of her in the end y'know, so I decided to call it a day.
No you didn't.
She dumped you.
And she said stop texting her 'cause her new boyfriend doesn't like it.
Oh, you are bloody kidding me! - Colin's messed up my tax return.
- What do you mean? It says he's got all the calculations wrong and now I'm going to get fined for it being late! After everything I did for him! Liz says that's why he used to get so stressed at work.
He was terrible at it! What a knob head!