Warren the Ape (2010) s01e01 Episode Script

Big Score

Court mandated type stuff Nothin' serious - Nothin' like stuck with - Do you have any medical problems? I get the shakes.
How much alcohol do you drink? Well I've Average? 3 maybe 4 airline bottles.
And when you take into account my body weight - Got it - It's in the area of a shit load.
Pot? - Cocaine? - Snorting only habitually.
Any abuse when you were growin' up? Sexual abuse, physical abuse? You mean - Perpetrated by or against? - Upon, upon.
Right now I would caution you about telling me things that might require notification of state authorities.
My name's Warren Demontague.
I used to be a big Hollywood star But I ruined everything with sex, drugs and alcohol.
Now I'm cleaning up and ready to start my comeback.
And the best part is, I'm doin'it on tv.
I'm Warren the Ape.
I'm just tryin' to figure out You know.
How this happened so I don't know.
Thank you.
Would anyone else like to share? - Me? - No? It's on me.
No, I'll share that's fine.
I'm Warren and I'm an addict.
I guess I just I just love junk, man.
I mean who doesn't love junk? I'm I right? You know what I'm talkin' bout right? So I just here to try to adress these feelings.
Because my therapist, the world renouned Dr.
Drew Pinsky says that I really need to take some responsability for myself.
I've damaged my body, my life, my career My bike and Need to start makin' repairs.
So if anybody knows a number to a good bike shop That'd be a good start for me.
Thank you for sharing, Warren.
Would anyone else like to share? You're my agent and I need something fast.
I am desperate like, can't pay the rent.
«Gambled away the IRS payment» desperate.
I need something, Renee, and fast.
Otherwise the government is gonna go all «Willie Nelson» on my ass.
I haven't got much for your type.
My type? What's my type? I'm a classically trained thespian.
I got some commercials I'll do a commercial.
I got one for a kid's breakfast cereal - Course it is - It's for someone more cute like Chauncey The Bear.
It's soft just like me They're sweet just like me It's clean and fresh just like me.
Chauncey Bear is a hack.
He's just got those big dopey eyes and they tufted a «Conan O'Brien» hair on his head.
He makes me sick.
You gotta get me this thing, Renee.
Alright? - I promised my AA sponsor.
- I'll make a call.
Puppet auditions Stench of failure and febreze is palpable.
Smells like gym socks.
Sweety tweets, OK.
Well, look at this If it isn't all the usual suck-spects.
Fuck you.
- You're a dick, Warren.
- Douchebag.
Gary - Man you never give up.
- No way I'm Warren Demontague «Short and sweet» talent agency.
And action Hi there, I'm Chunky, The Sweety treats monkey.
- And I think Sweety tweets can't be - Cut, cut.
Can you try it just a little more cute and sweet? - Cute and sweet I know.
- Got it? - I got it, cute and sweet - Action.
Hi there, I'm Chunky, The Sweety tweets monkey.
And I like Sweety tweets cause they can't be beat We both know that this is shit Don't we? We both know That I'm not cute.
What if just for once.
This didn't have to be cute? - What are you saying? - I'm thinkin', I'm spitballin' here, - But somethin' like - So you're thinkin' of another thing? You know and not the stupid way.
Just thinkin' outside the idiot box.
What if for a breakfast cereal Sweety tweets We should change the name.
Has the sophisticated pallet of a warm country evening.
Sweet but not overbearing.
Taking on the silky texture of the milk But remaining true to its crispy ideals.
Mature but adventurous, like me.
Like us.
The client has one more person that we have to see.
- Far as I'm concern, the job is yours.
- I can have my person call your You're auditioning for this commercial just like me.
Just fuckin' hit me with a brick.
I was thinkin' Something like Zac Efron.
Or the Sprouse twins.
What do you think? That's good.
More like Zac than Cody.
I think Cody's a little ferry.
We need to look young and sexy.
Alright, you get to work - Gimmie a quick helmet polish.
- You got it.
Fancy, meeting like this.
I'm gonna prepare you some fabric softener.
I wouldn't think you'd need any help gettin' these commercial gigs? What? No, Warren.
I need lots of help.
You're what they're lookin' for.
Young and cute Listen, man Between the two of us, I mean You're the way better actor.
You got range.
Thank you You could be a journeyman actor as well.
You just need to take some classes and apply yourself.
I'd love to take classes but I can't afford such an extravagance.
You must be rollin' in dough with all those freakin' commercials you do.
Not anymore, Warren.
Now money is really tight since I started my chemotherapy.
Your che You mean you have a cancer.
Why you have to whisper all creepy? You're not supposed to say it out loud.
It's impolite.
And worse, I'm behind in my donations to the local orphanage.
My god you're a saint.
The charities are all I've had since my wife left me for a Human gigolo.
Time for your shampoo.
I gotta go, get ready but a You know I really I hope things work out for you.
Thank you.
I'd say may the best man win but That would eliminate me from the competition so Just hang in there, man, and Keep it up.
Keep it up.
I will, Warren.
"I'm tryin' to save the orphans.
"And I've got some terrible cancer.
"And it's makin' me die.
"And don't forget my wife left me.
" We have a mission, alright? We are going to frame Chauncey the Bear.
So grab your camera 'cause we're making a sex tape.
- You and me? - Not you and me, you idiot! - You have to work the system.
- Right.
This is an apportunity for you to learn something about yourself.
Thanks for sharing.
Stay sober.
Would anyone else like to share? My name is Peg and I'm an alcoholic.
I'm about to get kicked out of my appartment.
I'm broke, I'm broke and I used to be a prostitute I don't want to go back.
It's so tempting but Afterwards you just feel like crap.
What's you used to charge? She's in the middle of her share.
We're gonna let her continue.
Go ahead.
That was it.
So how much did you used to charge then? Let's all stand and join hands.
That was did your hear? Hang on, hang on.
Listen I wanted to talk to you for a second.
You know I was genuinely Moved by your share.
And it got me to thinking.
I wanna make a screw tape and frame my friend.
- Where did you get all this stuff? - The AV club at my school.
I'm able to borrow stuff.
I just have to sign it out.
We're set up everywhere so we're gonna get everything.
- Excellent.
- It'll kinda like "eagle eye".
Like what? You know, «Eagle Eye» the movie with Shia LaBeouf.
I most certainly do not.
Alright, is it Shia LaBeouf or Shia LaBoeuf? Zoom in, zoom in, pan left.
OK, zoom in, pan left.
Are you gonna be able to resist? I like the painting.
I like that house Like a house that big.
Wonder what the mortgage would be on somethin' like that.
- Forget that.
- Crazy.
Does he have to talk to her about? Before you do like kissing stuff.
You should get to know the person.
That is a $200 whore If he wasts 2 hours on talkin' I'm gonna be There you go Holy shit! Just one more reason to hate the son of a bitch.
Zoom in I want it to be Be sightly tasteful about it.
And then go right in and be anything but tasteful.
See now you're learnin'.
You gonna want to put in a nice score here.
We're not doing that stuff.
We're gonna go something a lot more Sort of sleek and seductive.
It's gonna be more like Lady Chatterley.
Hum it for me.
I put my inside your OK, star wipe to camera 3.
I'll switch but I'll do It's gotta be a star wipe or it's not gonna feel like sensational.
I'm kinda new at this.
Don't yell please.
That's good.
The way she moves - I'm dirty just like you.
- You're dirty just like me.
- I'm dirty just like you.
- You're dirty just like me.
Alright, you know what? I'm gonna let you finish that.
This has gone viral.
It's all over the internet.
That is terrible.
Once something hits the internet It spreads.
It's like a What's the word like a virus almost.
It's horrible.
Because of this, Chauncey can't be our spokesperson.
So you got the job.
Congratulations, Warren.
Thank you so much.
You know I humbly choose to accept.
And I can't wait to tell my church group.
Hello there.
I am Sir Warren Demontague.
Tell me.
Do you and your family enjoy the sweeter things in life like sugar.
Do you enjoy the subtle flavors of grape, raspberry and marshmallow.
If the answer is yes to anyone of these questions Might I suggest the next time you cruise your cereal isle.
You ask mommy and daddy for a box of Sweety Tweets brand cereal substitute.
Because the meaning of life is not an unquestionable answer.
It is an unanswerable question.
Ice cream.
You love ice cream about cereal.
That makes a hell of a lot a sense.
To idiot kid with my love.
No touching sweethart.
Lay off the helmet, it's expensive.
You took a picture? You bring me up on pedophile charges.
I will fight Off you go into the black van.
Say hi to Hannibal for me.
Another 5 hours of this There's not enough Purell in the world.
What are you doing? We're just stockin'up on vasoline.
I see you got that commercial.
I guess the best man won? That's big of you.
Did you hear what happened to me? Heard about your terrible scandal.
I'm so sorry, buddy.
You know in this industry, things like that just tend to Hang on, don't be so sorry, man.
I'm a porn star now.
It's almost like people pay you to have sex with beautiful women all day long.
And with all the money I made in pornography I was able to refurbish the orphanage and build a whole new wing.
Plus there's more good news.
My chemo is done and I'm living cancer free.
That's great.
I suppose your wife came back to you too? Screw my wife.
I'm a porn star now.
Listen, I'm pretty busy here guys.
I gotta lot of autographs to sign.
Would you like an autograph? No, I don't eat cereal.
That's where you draw the line on what you put in your mouth? I've just been nominated for an adult video award Maybe You'd like to come with me to the award ceremony? That great, have fun.
What? Come with you? You and me, buds.
I know how much you loves the porn.
I do, I do love porn.
That would be wonderful.
- Thank you.
- Great, Warren.
I'll have my entourage call your machine.
See ya.
Thank you.
Plus I have a smaller penis than you do Gee, whiz, It's not a competition right? Right.
- I really hope you win tonight? - Thank you so much.
- My mom would be proud.
- You really deserve it.
I've seen your work, you're a phenomenal entertainer.
I really respect you.
They call me a hedgehog.
We're all part of the animal kingdom.
- Can we do a motorboat? - OK, what's a motorboat? This is the greatest day of my life! And the winner of this year's best newcomer award is Chauncey the Bear.
I am super, super honored to be here.
I can't belleve it.
Thank you all so much.
- I know him.
- There's a guy out in the audience.
Who really stood by me when I was down and out.
Now that I'm back up and in I want him standin' by me again.
Where are you buddy? Come on up here.
Me? This award belongs as much to you as it does to me.
- You could even hold on to it now.
- My god, it's beautiful.
It's all shiny.
He said 3 words to me that I will never forget.
He said Chauncey Keep it up.
- Did I say that? - A while ago.
And I think all of you can tell I've been keepin' it up.
This thing has a little bit of a smudge on it.
I promise to keep on rockin' and rollin'.
It's comin' out.
And a lot of people think these movies are filthy or wathever.
This thing has a little bit of a smudge on it.
You know I promise to keep on rockin' - We could take about this.
- We can't sell cereal with porn stars.
Not until you try.
What were you thinking? I was just thinking the shaft was dirty.
Look at the big boobs behind your head.
That does not help us sell cereal.
Kids need milk to go with their cereal, right? We're givin' it to them straight from the source.
Don't judge me sir, alright? Honey, have you You've probably been there.
I'm right It's just technique.
I was trying to clean it.
I wasn't I meant no disrespect.
Warren, you're fired.
- Alright, you know what? - What? You're fired.
You too, you too Johnny and Suzie, say nothin'.
Both a you, you're freakin' fired.
I fire you all.
You are no longer representing me in cereal commercials.
Alright I'll show myself out.
Can I still get validation? So it's big fuck me day, then, allright.
Unbelievable I'm sorry to hear about all your misfortune, buddy pal.
I almost feel as though it's my fault.
I mean I never should of gotten you envolved with porn stars.
When I knew those cereal people don't like pornography.
You know that brat Gary is so child.
He makes me laugh.
Baby, this is fun? I'm Gary, the puppet bear.
Do you enjoy the subtle flavors of What the fuck is that? Well so do I.
That little son of a bitch.
It's an outrage.
He's stolen my job.
He is kinda cute.
This season on Warren The Ape.
- Do you think you're a sex addict? - No, I just like it.
I'm not gonna let my come back show fuckin' block my actual come back.
- I lost my job.
- What? At Quiznos? Look at me, I'm a puppet.
Go, go! - You wanna see action? - Let's see what you've got.
- Why couldn't you just stay away? - I banged his girl and now he's mad.

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