Warren the Ape (2010) s01e02 Episode Script

So how are things going? Not bad, I I missed my audition this morning.
- What happened? - I had kind of a late night.
You know, just fun.
Using again? Drugs? No, not this time.
Just a night of sex.
It was fun.
I I met a girl at this bar this eatery.
That I frequent and we hit it off, one thing led to another, we went back to her place.
When I woke up this morning There was a cattle prod in my ass.
Which is fine, it's something I'm into.
Do you think you're a sex addict? No.
I just like it.
I have fun.
I get my rocks off.
It's an anxiety release.
It's not supposed to be something you use to regulate your emotions, and in your case, it's having potentially dangerous health consequences.
I'm talking about a cattle prod in your ass.
- Really? - Don't judge.
I I'm not judging.
I'm worried about your health.
It's time you got involved with a 12-step program.
Always a 12-step.
You'll generate a circle plan, and into the inner circle will go behaviors that you are not going to engage in for a month, which includes sex, masturbation and pornography.
Jeez, you just cut out half my day! Maybe I've recouped half your day.
It might be helpful to hang out with some of your buddies or somebody in your life that perhaps isn't a sex addict, somebody with less of a extreme lifestyle, perhaps.
It would have to be somebody innocent, somebody asexual Greg the Bunny.
Perfect.
My name's Warren Demontague.
I used to be a big Hollywood star But I ruined everything with sex, drugs and alcohol.
Now I'm cleaning up and ready to start my comeback.
And the best part is, I'm doing it on TV! I'm Warren the Ape.
Abstinence - Gross, Warren.
- Listen, Greg.
I'm apparently a sex addict.
You said sex! And that inane giggling is why I've come to you.
Really? I gotta hang out with people that don't give me wood, put myself in boring situations, stupid situations, moronic stuff, the kinda shit you're into.
And I'll try to endure it.
If you wanna hang out, I'm gonna go meet up with friends.
Gentlemen, welcome to the Valley of Dragons.
You descend the stairs into the bowels of the necromancer's dungeon.
All around you are skeletons of adventurers who came before.
There's a foul and sickening odor in the air.
Frodo over here had egg salad for lunch.
Warren, take this seriously! Who the hell is this guy? He's the DM.
We gotta play by his rules cause he owns the store.
He's the god of the realm, the master behind the curtains.
Hey, everybody.
Hey, Warren.
How did you know I was here? I didn't.
This is my regular game.
Good.
We need a healer.
At the end of the hall you see a beholder Guardian servant of the Underdark.
They have so many eyes, they can see your soul! Cecil! What do you do? Please call me prince Jewfro, son of Zelmar.
Very well, prince Jewfro.
Prince Jewfro does the sacred flame.
Sacred light shines from above, searing a single enemy - with its radiance! - Good god.
- This is unbelievable.
- Nice move.
He's wounded! But not dead.
- What do you do? - I summon the ghouls of Bgammanen! - Destroy thee! - Are those even words? A very powerful hit, but the beast is wounded.
He still moves on.
Warren, what do you do? I sit here and wonder if any of you has ever even seen a girl naked.
You guys told me that he knew how to play this game.
- I don't train noobs.
- It's rudimentary.
It's like acting.
Just pretend to be a sorcerer.
I hold my sword aloft, and I say to the foul beast: "back away from these halls, for they are protected "by White Helmet of the Simian circle!" - And then what do I do - Roll the dice! - You miss.
- What the fuck? The beholder casts the gaze of death upon you.
That's not good.
You die.
What? Why don't you go box some comics, and we'll finish Fuck you! Why don't you re-roll that dice? - You got a natural one.
- I use the beacon of hope to heal you.
Only if you wanna go with him.
He's out, he's dead What the fuck! You're embarrassing me! This is bullshit, Ref.
I am the dungeon master! You will do as I say! Okay.
All right.
We're cool, buddy.
We're cool.
- Just go box the comics.
- Yes, sir.
I think we should take a minute to mourn.
Gotta hand it to you.
This is an excellent way - not to get laid.
- Thanks, Warren.
I don't feel any sexual energy.
It's almost like - It's almost like being castrated.
- It's like a brotherhood.
Like a brotherhood of sexless mutants.
We can like sci-fi and have sex.
We just haven't done it yet.
- When does the movie start? - We only got three more days left! Remind me again why we can't just buy our tickets on opening day like normal people? Come on, Warren.
That's no fun.
Look at all the cool people you get to meet! Jasper! Live long and prosper, man.
It works so much better when you have fingers.
I watched the trailer so many times, I already know that Brakcus and Lela are gonna - hold hands at one point - Dude! Spoiler! Spoiler! - It was in the trailer! - In the trailer, it's not a spoiler.
Give an alert before you do a spoiler, otherwise you'll ruin it.
Let me see if I understand this Basically what you guys do is you all get together and obsess about these movies, build them up to a point where they can never meet your expectations.
Then when you finally get to see it, you complain about it until - they what? They make another one.
- Welcome to the club.
Pretty accurate.
When you say it that way, it sounds kind of sad, actually.
Whatever keeps my fuck limp, guys.
This is my second life, which is better than my first life, because in my first life, I'm kind of a peon.
In this life, I can do whatever I want, it's super-funny.
Know what else is funny? Listen, Greg, all right? I tell you this because I'm your friend.
You are a loser! All right? No, you are.
- Look at me.
You are.
- Really? I'm a degenerate gambler, I'm a sex addict, and a drug addict, and I am less of a loser than you are.
I mean, God damn it, God gave you a set of balls, didn't he? - Sure.
I use them every day.
- Really? Sure.
When I go number one.
Jesus.
All right, you know what? This isn't working for me, man.
I mean, I'll get more pent up.
I think I got an idea that's gonna make us both happy.
Now, Greg, Raz is here to deliver unto you the greatest fantasy of your life.
So give him the sampler platter.
Ladies! Warren's back and he's brought a friend.
Hello, ladies.
Gosh, did I miss you, each and every one of you.
Look at this, Greg.
Not a pig in the bunch.
Figuratively.
All right, Greg, now listen, listen.
This is very easy.
Pick out one of these beautiful ladies and you take them in the back and have your dirty way.
- It's all paid for.
Right, Raz? - Absolutely.
I don't want do this.
Come on, Greg! You've gotta do it, all right? And if I can't have sex for 30 days Then I need you to have it for me, all right? I don't wanna have sex for you.
Come on, I need to live vicariously through you.
God, how can you look at that and not want just a Just a taste? Everybody loses their virginity sometime.
I can't just do it with a lady of the night.
It's not right if you pay for it.
I mean, I want my first time to be special.
Look at that.
You've touched their golden hearts.
My wood's gone.
Leave it to you to take a debaucherous situation and make it adorable.
Take a powder, this won't work out.
We need to get you out in the dating field.
I'm not really much of a pick-up artist.
Don't worry, when I'm through with you, you will be.
See you in 29 days, ladies.
Now remember everything we talked about.
All our strategies and conversations.
This outfit makes me look like a complete douche bag.
You do, you look like a total douche.
- What? - Girls love douche bags.
Makes you attractive.
They wanna know why you're so douchey.
Maybe you'll be douchey.
Maybe not.
There's only one way to find out, and that's to bed.
All right, so armed with that, scan the room.
Pick out a girl.
I think that's a dude.
See Adam's apple? How about to the left? That's the real deal.
Wanna try that? Just saunter up to that bar, introduce yourself, and take the power in that conversation.
That's good.
You're confident, remember? You're You're powerful! And don't forget to Why do I even try? You look approachable.
My name's Greg.
Would you like to have a back-and-forth conversation with me? - Sure.
- Okay! We need a topic.
How about sci-fi? You probably know nothing about it.
That's neggin'.
It's a tactic.
Supposed to make you feel insecure.
Excuse me? Control the conversation, Greg.
Have you seen Star Wars: Episode I? He said star.
That's gotta be a "wars" or a "trek".
I know him.
Even though he appears very, very humorous in the first movie, he is the linchpin to Darth Sidious's plot to take over the senate.
Once he becomes a senator in his own right.
Darth Sidious knows that when the blue guy with horns puts pressure on him to grant emergency powers to the chancellor No.
You're losin' it.
You're going into a spin! You're smoking! And the only jedi left are his the Sith! So there'd be no episode IV if not for Jar Jar Binks! - Can we have sex now? - Okay, I'm comin', I'm comin'.
All right, cut, cut Time to nip this in the bud.
You're a lost cause.
You're just embarrassing yourself.
You're blocking my shit.
- I know your problem.
- What? You! All right? We need to find you an option in which the woman can neither see nor hear you.
Right? Anything short of that is not gonna work out so You have to excuse my friend.
He's a little special.
Gotta get him back for finger paints.
- Come on.
- You're the one wearing a helmet.
She's mean.
I had no idea there was this much sexual stuff on the Internet.
You learn something blue every day, Greg.
Okay, now that you logged in, you can see there's all these girls asking for it.
It's like they don't have any parenting at all.
Okay, now, just You do that.
Warren needs to go and - ice his balls.
- All right.
My name is Greg.
I am looking for a playdate.
I enjoy Twilight, the Jonas brothers and hanging out at the mall.
Warren, they're IMing me already! That's great, that's great! Just write 'em back.
She works in a coal mine.
Wonder why she thinks it's a problem.
Probably insecure about her blue-collar roots.
No, I don't care if you're a miner.
I find that interesting and sexy.
Warren, you'll be proud.
I'm being seduceful! Can't talk.
Icing balls.
Would you like to play with me? Send.
Warren, I think I got a date! I will bring you candy and show you Ironically, this is just making me more excited.
Greg, I think this is the place.
I'm nervous.
Time to get your little rocks off.
Okay, Warren, I'm all ready for my date.
God, you look absolutely ridiculous! - I look like a gentleman.
- We're gonna lose this and we're gonna lose that.
Don't listen to him.
Be yourself.
That's what my mom says.
All right, that is the worst possible advice.
Under no circumstances are you to be yourself, is that clear? - Not exactly.
- The only thing you need Is this, okay? - There ya go.
- All right.
They're lubricated in case she's not that into him.
Be yourself! Be someone else! I only will have sex with someone who I love and she loves me back.
So never? Hello? Kimmy? Greg! Come on in.
I'm just right here in the kitchen.
I realized, I haven't had spaghetti-Os in like a really long time.
Probably like five years.
This is a revelation for you? This is what just pops in your head: "I haven't had spaghettios"? I'm so glad you're here.
Thanks.
I'm happy to be here.
Just a little nervous.
Don't be nervous.
I made you some of my favorite famous chocolate chip cookies.
That's so nice of you! I brought some rubber sleeves for my dingly-bop.
And I have an even bigger surprise for you.
Better than cookies? You're gonna have to wait one second.
- I'll be right back.
- I'll just wait here.
Don't go anywhere.
These look good.
Can I have some milk, please? They might be store-bought.
Did you Hi.
You must be Kimmy's dad.
I'm Greg.
It's nice to meet you, sir.
What are you doing here? Eatin' cookies! For Halloween if I was Captain Kirk, with his admiral badge - That's an original idea.
- Like movie.
I don't know any other guys who dressed up in a Captain Kirk uniform! I bet you'd really stand out.
If I did it when it the movies came out Why don't you go to your next Halloween party as Art Garfunkel, okay? - I'll go as Paul Simon.
- We should go together! Oh, my god, we should.
You wrote back: "I find that interesting and sexy.
" You think minors are sexy? You know, to be honest, not really, but like my friend says, you gotta lose your virginity sometime, so any port in a storm.
Quick question.
In school you get a report card and stuff or a progress report.
I was just wondering, for me as an assistant, if you were to grade me just so I'd know my progress.
That's an easy one to answer.
You get an "A" for enthusiasm and an "F" in shutting the fuck up.
Do I have permission to date your daughter, please, sir? Hi.
There's cameras.
You must have your own TV show.
So does my monkey friend.
You're free to go, but you're gonna be arrested.
I'm free to go but I'm gonna be what? You are gonna be arrested.
Please! What did I do? Kimmy said I could eat her cookies! - I treat her nice and hold doors open.
- Dump her.
- It won't work out.
- I can't, she's not even mine yet.
It's just a schoolboy crush.
Then that's fine, 'cause it'll probably come to nothing Holy shit! Don't you move! I will tase you, bro! I will tase your pedophile rabbit ass! - All right, not good.
- You might wanna start the engine.
I mean it, stop moving! Stop moving! Go, man, go, go! I surrender! Oh, my god, they got him! They got him! Go, go, go, go! And so Steve turns up on a Tuesday.
Tuesday's Mike's day, and Steve knows that.
I'm just gonna have to try something new.
And I think I'm gonna Maybe you should switch to Wednesdays.
Well, Wednesday's Brian's day.
I think I'm just gonna have to try and abstain.
Honey, you just need a date book.
Your problem is scheduling.
And the rest of you, I sit here, I listen to you day after day You're twisted, man! Abstinence is not the solution to our problems, people.
All right, I tried abstinence, and you know what it did? Made me so pent up and crazy that it landed a good friend of mine in jail.
He's a pedophile now.
He goes around his neighborhood, and he tells everybody that he's a ped just because I was pent up and got him in trouble.
So abstinence does nothing.
If I'd gotten a fuck behind the video store, nothing would've happened.
But no, I gotta be in therapy for my sexual problems and listen to you guys, day in, day out.
I did this guy, didn't do that guy.
Why do I feel so guilty? Why don't my parents love me? It's gettin' old.
We get together a couple times a week to listen to each other's dirty stories.
Debbie's goin' off on doin' the dwarf in the bathroom at the Shakey's.
Or the 1st time, she experimented with her sister, and I'm not supposed to get wood? You people aren't helping me.
You failed.
And I'm out! Despite how much I wanna do some of ya, the hell with you all.
Carry on about your little sexual escapades and I'm just gonna Just gonna hang out 'cause Well, I've got AA after this, and Talk amongst yourselves.
What? Keep talking.
Debbie, you wanna talk about your sister some more? Please? So I did just like you told me.
I went in the house, and there was a girl, but then there was also a guy there and he said mean things, and then people shot at me and then all I'm well aware of what happened.
It aired on national television.
You're getting a lot of hits on Hulu.
It's quite popular.
Oh, cool! But listen, I I acknowledge the fact that some might think I was slightly responsible for what happened.
So what I'm gonna do is get a team of lawyers to post your bail How's that? Thanks, Warren! Yes, you're welcome.
II felt I owed it to you.
And so did my lawyer.
There's one more thing.
Mission accomplished.
Mission ac I don't know that means.
What does that mean? I'm not a virgin anymore.
Next time on Warren the ape I'm here to put an end to your delinquency.
In the real world, permission slips are not required.
Look at that! These kids are good kids.
Set your minds to blow! Sure, furries are creepy, but maybe that's your thing.
So check out Greg the Bunny's love hunt on mtv.
com.