Watson and Oliver (2012) s01e06 Episode Script

Episode 6

1 Good evening and welcome to Watson and Oliver.
I'm Ingrid Oliver.
I'm Lorna Watson.
And this is our sketch show.
What? Anything you want to tell me? No.
You've got a massive moustache.
What? You're kidding! I only shaved half an hour ago.
You're taking steroids again, aren't you? No.
I can't believe you're back on the 'roids.
Look, it's not a big deal, yeah.
I just needed a bit of testosterone to get me through the show, that's all.
I'm not doing this again, Ingrid.
I want out.
I'm walking.
Listen, listen, all right, all right, I messed up, OK? I'm through with them now.
That's what you always say and then you go and get off your face on the 'roids.
It's different this time, yeah? Take them.
I'll throw them away.
I'm proud of you.
I'm proud of you.
Let's hug it out.
Ow! Enjoy the show.
I need to get that file back on the I can't stop.
I'm going to see the chief.
Damn it! Officer Brooks, Counter Terrorism.
I need to see the chief.
I'm sorry.
You've not got clearance.
I know I don't, but I need to see the chief now.
It's urgent.
We can't let you through.
I wouldn't be trying to get clearance if it wasn't really important, would I? Do you want to let me through or lose your job because you didn't let me through? Hm? Thank you.
Excuse me, you can't just Wait! Sir, I really need to speak to you.
What the hell's going on? This had better be good officer? Brooks, Sir.
Counter Terrorism Unit.
We met last week, Sir.
On the first floor by the vending machine? You wanted a can but you didn't have change so I lent you some, remember? No, Officer Brookes, I do not remember.
I haven't got all day, so what's this about? Well, you owe me a pound, Sir.
What? You owe me a pound, Sir.
You've breached three levels of security to get into my office because I owe you a pound? Yes, Sir.
So have you got it or should I come back later? No, I haven't got it! All right.
I'll come back later.
No, you will not come back later.
But you owe me a whole pound.
Yes I know I owe you a pound but as I said before, I haven't currently got it! Don't you shout at me, Sir.
You're the one who's borrowed a pound without paying it back.
Right Stephanie? Yes, Sir? You know that pound I lent you for those biscuits? Well I need it back.
Sorry, Sir, but I lent it to Martin yesterday for some stamps.
But if it's urgent I could Could you? Yes, Sir.
Martin? Hello? You haven't got that pound I lent you yesterday? Oh, um Yeah, there you go.
Oh, hey, Brooks.
Hi, Martin.
Thank you.
There you go.
One pound.
Thank you, Sir.
Right, is everybody settled now? Yeah.
I think so.
Jolly good.
Actually, Brooks, um, you owe me a pound.
Do I? Cheese roll.
Remember? Last Tuesday, at the pub, I had a cheese roll, you were hungry, so I bought you one.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, yeah yeah.
Oh, very funny.
Well, I know who these are from.
These are going straight in the bin, mate! OK, who's next? The final two.
We have Holly and Ruth.
Holly, open yours first! What is it? It's a can of weight loss drink.
I just thought it might come in handy.
I know how difficult it can be to shift the pounds once they start piling on.
But I suppose that's the price you pay for being in a loving, fulfilled relationship.
And when I say you, I mean me.
Ruth? I just saw it and it screamed you! That's so thoughtful.
I've been meaning to watch this for ages.
This is the one about two girls who work in an office together and one of them has a boyfriend and the other one doesn't, so she steals the other one's boyfriend in an unbelievable act of betrayal, right? You know? Hang on a minute.
That wasn't a film.
THAT WAS YOU! Ahhh! I can't see! Ahhhh! Aahhhhhh, the bells, the bells! Right, well, we've all had fun so everybody back to work please, OK? Yes, Simon.
No problem, Simon.
Oh, hello, Fiona.
Hello, Mr and Mrs Beckford.
We've come to pick up Bea! Fiona's here! It's so lovely of your parents to let Bea come on holiday with you.
Two whole weeks.
Two whole weeks.
Hey, Fi.
Hey, Bea.
I like your jelly shoes.
Do you like them? Yeah, I really like them.
They're really nice.
Right then, Bea, have you got everything? I think so.
Let's just make absolutely sure.
We don't want you coming back because you've forgotten something, do we? No, we don't.
Bea, did you bring your straighteners? Yeah.
I brought my pink ones and I also brought my other ones.
I really like the pink ones.
Do you like the pink ones? I was thinking about your passport.
Are you sure you've got it? Do I have my passport? That's what we're asking you, yes.
I'm not sure.
Let's just have a quick look then, shall we? Sunglasses.
Oh, those are nice.
Really? Do you think they're nice? Yeah.
They're really nice.
I really like them.
Oh, they're nice.
They're nice, aren't they? Yeah, they're really nice.
Focus, Bea.
Body spray.
That's nice.
Coconut lip balm.
That's nice.
Flamingo purse.
Denim shorts.
Those are nice.
Straw hat.
I like that.
Flip flops.
Those are nice.
Hang on a minute.
Is that Here it is! Well done, darling! Thank God! Goodness! Thanks so much for having her! We'll see you in two weeks then.
OK, come on, darling.
Bye! Come on, darling.
Fi? Yes, Bea? Why are your parents crying? How long since our last contact? 48 minutes and counting, Sir.
'Sir? Things are getting pretty tight up here.
' Just hang on in there, boys.
We're going to get you out of this mess.
'Sir?' Yes, Captain? 'If you get us home safe, the drinks are on me.
' Copy that.
Listen up, everyone, we've got a window of approximately 20 minutes to get these guys back on the ground, before their oxygen runs out.
So, Cooper, could you work on the landing trajectory? Yes, Sir.
And I want oxygen status reports every 60 seconds.
Yes, sir.
Jenkins, I need you to Flight Marshall Jenkins? Is there a problem? I was wondering if I could nip off actually? Pardon me? Well, obviously I'd love to stay, what with the whole but the thing is it has already gone 5.
These guys are depending on us to get them home safely.
We can't do that without you so Well, it's just I do badminton on a Tuesday and I already missed last Tuesday because I had to take Cath to the hospital to have her waterworks seen to, so I tell you what, I could come in early tomorrow? Sit down, Jenkins! How we doing here? 17 minutes of oxygen left, Sir.
Um The thing is, I'm not sure if you're aware of this, but I did only have half an hour for lunch.
And? It's supposed to be an hour.
We are a team and if we don't pull together, four men, four good men, will lose their lives.
Well, four badminton players will go without their post-match oranges if I don't make it to practice.
I'm just saying.
If you don't sit your ass back down right now, Jenkins, I will have you court-marshalled! I'll just go and Do it.
'Houston?! Houston do you copy? She's breaking up!' Captain Miller! Can you hear me? It's We can't Miller? Miller! Oh dear, that's terrible, isn't that terrible? Aaagh! Come on, darling, you can do it.
Push! Push! Ow! Why does it hurt so much? Come on.
Uuurrrgghhhh! Almost there.
One final I can't do this.
Yes, you can.
Come on, Michelle.
No, I'm not doing it.
Come on, Michelle.
You're nearly there.
I said I'm not doing it.
Just one final push.
It's never just one final push, is it? You said that five hours ago and yet here we are still.
Michelle I've had enough.
This is just ridiculous.
It's not ridiculous.
This is our first child! Well, you have it then.
I'm going home.
Michelle! Seriously, Andrew it's really painful, and I mean REALLY painful.
I've had enough.
I'm going home.
End of.
Listen, why don't we try some of those breathing exercises again, eh? Give me the car keys.
No! Fine! Professor.
Ah, Scott.
Is it ready? Yes.
Follow me.
I had to make a few minor adjustments to the proximity sensors and thrust controls, but I think we're operational now.
Ready? It's perfect.
It will need to be.
It's a dangerous world out there, Scott.
Now it's exactly as we discussed.
The armour's carbon alloy, coated in dilobium polymer.
It should flex at the joints, but be all but impervious to weaponry.
A crystalline micro display behind the left eye will give a complete system profile, including damage report.
Now, power is routed through the Ow! What's wrong? It's the boots, they're a little tight.
Oh, that's odd.
They should be a perfect fit.
They're a ten? A ten? No, I thought you said you were a nine.
No, I'm a size nine in sneakers, but in boots and shoes I'm usually a ten.
Ten and a half sometimes.
Oh, right.
Well, will they stretch at all? Well, they're pretty soft metal.
They should give slightly over time.
Right, right.
That's your toe there, is it? Yeah, yeah.
Do you have them in a ten? Er, no, it's just what you see here.
Could I maybe wear it with different boots? I think that might just look a bit odd.
Hey, jeez, listen to me going on and you've made me a unique crime fighting suit and here I am complaining about my tootsies! You might not even notice once you do the speech? Do you want to do the speech? Sure.
OK, why not.
Wherever there are wrongs, Alloy Man Ow! Alloy man will right them.
Wherever injustice rears its ugly head Ow! God, they really pinch! Lights out! I heard that, Simpson.
'Ere we go.
Oi, Pat it's me.
I just wanted to say night night.
Night yourself.
Oh, no.
Oh, no.
'Ere it comes.
There's trouble.
Ere she goes.
Someone's off.
There she is.
Here I am.
Off she goes.
'Ere it comes.
There she is.
Hang on a minute.
Someone's off.
Who was that? 'Ere it comes.
Off she goes.
Is that you, Pat? That depends.
Don't you start.
Right, that's it.
Who are you? It's me, Pat.
Yeah, I know that.
Who's this joker? I'm Lou.
Mischief, more like.
Oh, she's good.
It's nice to meet you, officer.
Pat's told me all about you.
Oh, has she now? So, um, you new then? That's right.
Arrived today, and already me and Pat get on like a house on fire, don't we, Pat? Oh, yeah, yeah.
Funnily enough, that's why I'm in here.
Oh, there she goes.
Off I go.
'Ere it comes.
Here it is.
Yeah, it's funny really.
I already feel like I've known Pat for years.
Course you do.
Best friend material this one.
Well, she's Pat, isn't she? That's right.
Well, I'd better Yeah, yeah I've got to finish my patrol and that so Yeah, course.
I'll see you both later then.
Not if I see you first! That's what they all say! Off we go! Here it comes.
There she is.
There she goes.
Fancy a nightcap, Pat? Yeah, go on then.
There she goes.
Alloy Man! Alloy Man! They're robbing the corner store! Ow, ow, ow! Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow! Well, that has got me very angry.
Excuse me for a moment.
Gah! I'm sorry you had to see that.
I've just had some Sorry.
I've just had some very bad news.
Apparently, my application to light the Olympic flame has been rejected because, and I quote, "I'm not sporty enough.
" But then neither is David Tennant so I don't see why he gets to do it.
That man is literally the bane of my life.
I've got the most incredible news.
What are you wearing? Well, I got in, didn't I? I got into the Team GB Luge team.
The Luge Team? What are you doing? I'm Luging.
So, basically, this means that you and me, we can go to the Olympics.
You can be my plus one.
Lorna, you do know that London is hosting the summer Olympics? Yeah, I know.
And you also know that Luge is a winter sport? No, it isn't.
It really is.
Oh, no.
I've been training for the wrong Olympics.
It would appear so, wouldn't it? That's fine.
It doesn't matter.
It's all right.
I just need to pick a new sport, which is not a problem because I happen to be rather good at figure skating.
Thank you.
Yes, except that's also a winter sport, isn't it? Bobsleigh? Again, a winter sport.
You're kidding! Basically, if it's on ice or snow you're pretty much guaranteed it's going to be a winter sport, Lorna.
Yeah, yeah, I understand.
Do you though? Yes.
Do I look like an idiot? No, our time's running out, Lorna.
We have to find a new way of making our Olympic dream happen and luckily for you, I have an amazing back-up plan.
Oh, yeah? Huddle up.
OK, I've got two words for you.
Olympic Opening Three words Olympic Opening Ceremony.
Keep talking.
If we can create an Olympic Opening Ceremony under budget for, say £7.
24, I have a feeling they'll have no choice but to give us the gig, which means that you and I will have the best seats in the house.
Oh, you're good.
Or I could always give Steve a call.
Who's Steve? He's head of hurdles.
He coaches the hurdles team? No, he sets them out on the track before the race and when the race is over, he picks them up again and puts them in a kind of storage cupboard.
He might need some help.
OK, well as tempting as that is, let's stick with choreographing the Olympic Opening Ceremony for now, OK? All right then.
Can we maybe do a thing where a dog comes on, pulling a mouse on a tiny cart? No.
And by the way, your nipples are showing.
Lucy, look, your papa is here.
Parlaying with my papa.
Oh, yes.
Catherine! Look who our parlaying papas are presently parlaying with! Whatever could they be talking about? Well, Sir Thomas is wearing his lucky breeches so it must be a matter of great importance.
Oh, and do you see how they mark us? Constantly throwing longing looks in our direction? Mr Bridgewater and Sir Thomas parlaying with our papas, pertaining to a matter of premium importance You don't think? Papa, you did not tell me we were expecting company? Ah, Catherine, Lucy.
Gentlemen, I believe you are acquainted with our daughters.
Well, to the matter at hand.
Sirs, we come to seek your permission.
Go on.
Sir Thomas and I have of late formed a certain attachment to two very special ladies.
I see.
And should their fathers agree, and we flatter ourselves that they will an answer in the affirmative would render us the happiest men alive.
Well come on, man, ask the question.
Would you sirs Yes.
Do us the very great honour.
Mmmmm? Of allowing us Yes? The use of the village hall Right? On the very special occasion of our marriage to Yes? Miss Honeywell and Miss Lavender.
Ah, and here they come now.
Mum's the word! May we be of assistance? My associate and I have just moved in to the village.
I believe we are to be neighbours.
'Ladies and gentlemen, 'Watson and Oliver proudly present 'the 2012 London Olympics Opening Ceremony.
' Oh, look.
It's Big Ben.
Now, ladies and gentlemen, come with us Elementary, my dear Watson! No, no, no, not yet.
Come with us on a journey as we introduce you to some of London's most colourful Elementary, my dear No! No, no.
She's saying no! Some of London's most colourful characters.
Oh look, it's Baker Street's Sherlock Holmes.
Oh look, it's Oliver Twist.
Hey there, little fella.
There you go.
That's all I've got.
Ow! You little Oh look, it's the Labour MP for Lambeth North.
Oh, no, it looks like rain again.
Typical London.
I've dropped my umbrella.
Get the rain.
I can't bend over.
Get the rain.
Eh! That's the rain, is it? It's all we could afford.
Oh, look, let's take shelter in that traditional London phone box! Ow! You're pushing me.
'Ladies and gentlemen, 'Team GB!' Oh hi, Steve.
Thanks, Steve.
Right, ladies and gentlemen, the moment you've all been waiting for.
The Olympic Cauldron.
Lorna, will you please fetch the Olympic Torch? Ladies and gentlemen, I will now attempt to light the Olympic Cauldron using this bow and arrow.
Really? Yes! The flame's gone out.
Relight it, please.
Has anyone got any matches? Oh, can you just hold that for me? It's all right! Crisis averted.
Oh, no.
What happened there? You, Lorna.
You're what happened there.
Where are you going? I'm going to get off my face drunk, Lorna.
Oh, can I come? Elementary, my dear Watson.
Too late!
Previous EpisodeNext Episode