Watson and Oliver (2012) s02e01 Episode Script

Series 2, Episode 1

1 I just think if we're going to win this account, we need to prioritise our strengths, so that's logistics, focus our energies on European experience Sorry what are you doing? Oh, keep going, I'm listening.
I just don't want to walk on the cracks.
Right, erm.
So, yeah, we need projections of our costings so I'll speak to David and set up a meeting as soon as possible.
Actually, do you mind not doing that? You're not six.
I know I'm not six.
Well, then why won't you walk on the cracks? It's childish.
Look, we have an image to maintain, we're meant to be professionals, remember? Hi, Joanne? Yeah, it's Caroline, Katie won't make the meeting.
Bear got her.
This one's in from Middlesex What's the situation? RTA - truck driver.
What happened? Impact to the chest.
Missed his turning but took it anyway.
He's in shock.
BP 50/30.
We need to act fast.
Nurse, call radiology.
Tell them we'll need a portable chest scan.
Nurse, not so fast.
What's his BP? He'll need eight milligrams of adrenaline and three milligrams of atropine.
We're struggling find the family.
So no information on any allergies? 'Fraid not.
I'll tread carefully.
He's crashing! Then let's get things moving.
Doctors, we're running out of time.
Come on, then.
Good luck.
Doctors, your hands! In! Your husband, Prime Minister.
Oh, hello, darling.
Everything all right? Mike and Lucy have been waiting next door for almost an hour.
Mike and Lucy? Why? We're having dinner with them, remember? It's been in the diary for weeks.
Yes, yes, of course, I remember.
Lovely boozy Mike and lovely chatty Lucy.
Yes, well, Lucy's brought their wedding photos with her.
She's very keen to show them to you.
That sounds great.
I'll just switch this off.
Oh! Oh, no! What is it? It's an e-mail from the Europe.
Looks like it's all kicking off.
Really? Yes, looks like I'll have to have a little chat with our friends across the channel.
Sort their mess out.
As per.
Get me Merkel! Yes, looks like the future of our economy and the jobs of millions of British men and women are going to be decided by my actions over the next few hours, yikes, so I probably won't be able to make Oh, no, you don't.
What? Tonight, we are having dinner with our friends.
YOUR friends.
And if you think for a second that I'm buying your guff about Angela Merkel and a European crisis, then you really must think I'm a very stupid man indeed.
Angela Merkel to see you about the European crisis, Prime Minister.
Frances! Angela! She's really not happy.
I think we're looking at an all-nighter here, my love.
Do you mind? No.
God, no, of course.
I'll tell Mike and Lucy something came up.
Thanks, darling.
See you later.
Bye um Angela.
Dummkopf! So, erm, this is me.
Nice neighbourhood.
Look, erm, I know this is the first date but, erm, I don't suppose you wanted to come in for a quick drink? I'd love to.
Come on, then.
So, here we are! Oh, gosh, this place is a real tip, actually, sorry let me just erm That's better.
So, just, er, make yourself at home, really.
Wait, this is what? Oh, drinks! Sorry, I'll just I'll get them.
So, we've got, er, skinny latte, er, or Coke? No thanks.
Sarah? Yep? Do you live on a bench?! Well, "benchette".
Yeah, it's tad cosy, but the boards are original, which is nice.
But your bedroom?! Ooh, easy tiger.
Let me just slip into something a little more comfortable.
Oh! So, where were we? Sarah, I'm not entirely happy with Ssh! Can I borrow some money, please? Hi, Ingrid! Oh, hello.
Good weekend? Yeah, yeah, it was great.
Had a good old catch up with Valerie, so, yeah, it was lots of fun! It's Valerie.
Hi, Valerie! Yeah, no, I just got in.
Oh, you crack me up.
All right, bye.
What's with the new ringtone? Oh, I just set up specific ringtones for certain people.
Right, long train journey, then? I've got Starman for my brother.
You know, cos he likes David Bowie and he's a little star.
Aw, that's quite nice, actually.
Having a ringtone to say how really feel about somebody.
What's mine? Hm? Oh.
Is it Beautiful by Christina Aguilera? No.
Erm ooh, You're My Best Friend by Queen? Yeah.
Aw! That's what I've got for you! Let's have a listen.
Hello? Hello, Lorna.
It's your former best friend here.
But I suppose you already knew that because I've got a special ringtone.
Ingrid, don't be like that I'm going out.
But I chose it for a good reason, cos you're really intense and you like showers.
It's stupid Lorna.
It's stupid You seen my phone? I left it in here.
Yeah, you have.
You're holding it in your hand.
No, that's my phone.
No, it's not, it's got my screen saver.
Stupid Lorna.
Stupid Lorna.
Stupid Lorna Hello, girls.
Just letting you know that Mummy's stuck at work again so she won't be home before bedtime.
I'm so sorry.
They've gone left! I'm out! Harris! Here you go.
Oh, hello! This is Sergeant Harris.
He works for Mummy.
Well, not "for".
It's an inter-departmental liaison, so I work WITH Get down! So have a lovely sleep and Mummy will see you first thing in the morning.
Right, I'm going for door! Cover me! Go! Go! Go! Right, so, er, that's the cheese er there.
So that's done.
So, what are you doing, Susan? What are you doing? Oh, right! So, that's good.
Good morning, Madame.
Ah, yes, be with you in just a second.
Erm, yes, so that's off.
Greaseproof paper's there, cheese is here, greaseproof paper.
Yes? Pardonnez moi, Madame? Vous parlez francais? Ah, right.
Erm, sorry.
Where are we? Where were we? France! Le France! Le francais.
Erm, French.
Yes, erm, so em Bonsoir.
Oh, oh.
What are you saying, Susan? That's evening.
No, Italian! Jour, I mean bonjour! Bonjour, jour.
Bonjour to you erm Welcome to Blakely Manor.
Done the bonjour bit, so that's done.
Er, yes, so you want to entree? Vous voulez-vous voulez voulez voulez? Enter, yes.
But we do not to speak too good of English so.
So attendez attendez, la While I get the, er, the er French audio guides.
Les les les Walkmans.
Les Walkmans.
Les Marches Hommes.
Marches Hommes for the audio.
What are you looking for, Susan? Audio, audio, audio, audio, audio, audio Right, got those! Er, oh dear.
Who's left these in a erm? Diane! Someone's left these in a bit of a Er, right, so That's, er, Ј4.
50 each for entry plus the audio commentary.
So, that's Ј2.
50 each, so, that's, er No, that just goes round there.
No, I'll do that.
Thank you.
I don't know if you're helping me or I'm helping you now! No.
I'll just take that, cos you haven't paid for it yet.
Eight, nine, ten, 11.
I'll just er Thank you and that's Ј14 please.
But, er, I would also like to buy some cheese.
Le chezz.
Erm yes, so, right Ein, ein Ein moment.
One second, I'll just pop these pop these back on.
How do I pop these back on? Can't get my hands in the thing.
That'll do.
Doesn't matter.
Sweaty fingers.
Been one of those days.
But lovely day for a right! Move these for the cheese.
Er, yes Right.
But we only want half of this, please.
You only want half? Yes, right.
So, how do I what do I? I just need to, er I don't think we've got anything to cut the, erm, erm, er Diane! I need to cut the French! I mean cheese! I mean chez! No! Erm, what are you doing, Susan? What are you doing? I need to find a knife! Oh! Look, Prince Harry! Right, er Let's just call it Ј10 for the lot, shall we? Do you take euros? Diane! Next up, Charles and Eddie.
Would I Lie To You? Look into my eyes Can't you see they're open wide Would I lie to you, baby? Would I lie to you? Oh, yeah Don't you know it's true Girl, there's no-one else but you Would I lie to you, baby? Yeah Everybody wants to know the truth In my arms is the only proof I'm telling you baby you will never find another girl In this heart of mine Oh Look into my eyes Look into my eyes Can't you see they're open wide Would I lie to you, baby? Would I lie to you? Oh, yeah Everybody's got their history History On every page, a mystery It's a mystery You can read my diary, you're in every line Jealous minds are never satisfied I'm telling you, baby you will never find another girl In this heart of mine In this heart of mine Woo! Look into my Oh! Do you know, I get so annoyed with all our friends obsessing about when we're going to get married.
I mean, I know we've been together for, what, seven years now, but just because they've all conformed to this ridiculous social stereotype doesn't mean that we have to.
No, I was never one of those girls that fantasised about you know, the "fairytale wedding", with the dresses and the bridesmaids.
I mean, we love each other, right? And that's all that counts.
No, I don't need some piece of paper to Izzy? Oh, my God! Mark! Yes! Yes! Yes, I will marry you! Thank you.
Thank you so much! Thank you! Oh, my God, I thought you'd never ask.
I love you so much.
Come here! Oh, my God! You were you going to ask about the, erm, napkin.
Yep, yes.
It's, it's stuck under your chair.
No, I haven't got it, you need to lift up, lift up your chair.
Got it.
Got it.
Can we have the bill, please? But I was going to get a pudding.
Don't you dare.
Can I help you? Oh, this colour looks well good on you, babes.
You should wear it Saturday night.
Do you reckon? Definitely.
Oh, yeah, I look proper fit, don't I? Nadia? Emma? Customer waiting? Customer.
Can I help you, madam? Oh, yes, thank you.
I'm going to my daughter's graduation next week, she got a first in Classics at Warwick University.
I don't know where she gets her brains from, certainly not from me.
Well, anyway, I've just bought a lovely red dress and I was just trying to find a lipstick to go with it.
I thought, I thought perhaps this one.
What do you think? What I think is, is that you're too old for that lipstick.
I beg your pardon? Ah, she's losing her hearing, you're too old for that lipstick.
Nadia! Emma! Apologise to the lady immediately.
What? I'm just being honest.
She can't wear that lipstick cos of all them wrinkles she's got round her mouth.
She's right.
It'll leak everywhere.
I'm sorry if that upsets you, but it's the truth and I'm not gonna stand here and tell a blatant lie cos that's what you wanna hear.
Cos I wouldn't be being myself and I've gotta be true to myself.
And I'm never gonna apologise for being myself.
Cos then I'd be lying to myself and I'm never gonna do that cos I'm a really honest person.
She is.
And that's just who I am.
Emma, I'm warning you Can I be honest, Michelle? You're coming off really aggressive right now.
You are actually.
I know you're having a rough time cos Ted left you for a 22-year-old but maybe if you took more care of yourself in the lady area Bit of a tidy.
He wouldn't have gone.
I'm sorry if that upsets you, but I'm not gonna not tell the truth just cos you don't wanna hear it.
Sometimes the truth hurts.
It does.
If you don't want to hear it, you shouldn't ask me cos I'll speak the truth cos I'm such an honest person and That's just who I am.
That's just who she is.
Get out.
We will get out.
We're getting out right now.
Oh, and by the way, the 22-year-old Ted's shacked up with? It's Beth.
We seen 'em down Ritzy.
I knew it.
You've just got to be honest, haven't you? Absolutely.
Hello and welcome to Realistic Cooking.
I'm Shirley.
And I'm Jenny.
Tonight I'm going to be showing you how to make a realistic lamb casserole.
I'm going to do what most people do, and make a pudding quite badly.
Right, so let's start with that casserole.
Now, for your casserole, you're going to need some lamb.
Most cuts will do, although I didn't make it to the shops in time, so I'm making my lamb with chicken.
Will any chicken do, Shirley? Well this is all I had in the freezer, so it'll have to.
Now we're going to want some body to the casserole, so we're going to add some vegetables.
Err, carrots work well, as do leeks and onions.
What have you got there? Oh, some broccoli.
As I said, I didn't make it to the shops in time.
I'm going to put that into the casserole dish and, as you can see, I haven't actually cleaned that since the last time I last used it.
That's just what happens, so let's go with it.
Jen! Do you want to talk us through your pudding? Sure, yes.
Well, I was going to show you how to make a tarte Tatin.
Then of course I realised that I didn't know what that was so I'm just going to make apple pie instead.
Now, as you can see, I've already made the pastry case for this, and if you look carefully, Shirley, you can see that this bit here is completely burnt.
It is, yeah.
And of course, all around here as well.
Pretty much everywhere, really.
And that's because I was on the phone to a friend and simply forgot all about it.
That will happen.
If it's not the phone, it's someone at the door, or the kids getting on your tits and you may as well just accept that the whole thing is going to be burnt to buggery and move on.
Anyway, what I'm going to do next is get some apples, or in my case, grapes.
Oh, unusual.
Well, that's what the moron from my home supermarket delivery service decided was the closest thing to apples.
So his bad.
While you half-heartedly wash those, I'm going to carry on with making my lamb and carrot casserole, which I'm making with chicken and broccoli.
I'm going to pop some cauliflower in there as well.
Why's that? Oh, because it needed eating up, frankly.
Is it on the turn? Oh, It's doing summersaults.
But I'm two glasses of white wine down so I couldn't give a toss.
Now the stock is very important.
So it's just a shame that I haven't got any.
Of course, you can make your own by simply boiling down the bones.
Just taking the piss.
As if! So water it is.
Now, you can also use white wine, but frankly why pour it on food when you could be pouring it down your neck instead.
We'll shove it in the oven.
Time to watch a some Downton Abbey and it should be done.
Yes, well, erm my grape flan's all but finished.
And by finished I mean ruined.
As you can see, I've accidentally put it in a microwave instead of the oven, so the grapes have all been exploded and the pastry's gone soggy.
Now all we have to do is pop that in the bin.
I'll turn off the oven, because frankly no one's going to want to eat chicken, broccoli and cauliflower in water.
And go and order a takeaway.
Still watch Downton though.
See you next week.
Mornin', nurse! 'Midwifery is the very stuff of life.
'A midwife is in the thick of it, she sees it all.
'I knew nothing of poverty or filth' Apples and pears? Dog and bones? 'Of families sleeping four to a bed' She's in there.
Been screaming the house down all morning, she has.
'In short, I knew nothing of life itself.
' Thank you commoners.
'Never in all my days, had I seen such squalor.
'I crossed over to the bed and said' Mrs Harris, I'm 'Mrs Harris, I'm Nurse Nancy.
' Yes, I'll take it from here.
Thank you.
' How are you feeling, Mrs Harris? Well, Nurse, I've been diddlin' on me rinky dinks for the last square 'n fivepence, trying to scraggle out a tiggywink.
Um Oh! Well, we'd better get this baby delivered then, hadn't we? Can I go down the pub now? No, Mr Harris.
We need hot water and clean towels.
Hot water and clean towels? Yes, Mr Harris.
As many as you can find.
Right-o then.
Now, I'm just going to examine you, Mrs Harris, so try to relax.
Well, that all looks fine.
Is this your first child, Mrs Harris? Not exactly.
Here you go, Nurse, hot water and clean towels.
Thank you, Mr Harris.
Can I go down the pub now? No, Mr Harris.
We need hot water and clean towels.
As many as you can find.
Right-o then.
He seems like a good man, Mrs Harris.
He's all right.
I suppose you're wondering if I've got a fella.
Well you see, there's this one chap who I sort of like, but I don't know if I actually love him.
Have you ever had that? No, I don't suppose you have.
And then there's this other fella, who I'm madly in love with, but he's married so you see, it's sort of really complicated.
Oh, I know what you're thinking, Mrs Harris, with this flawless skin and glossy hair, there's no chance of me being on my own for long.
And do you know what, Mrs Harris? I think you're probably right.
We've run out of hot water and clean towels.
So I got these instead.
Thank you, Mr Harris.
Oh! Oh! It's coming, the baby's coming! Right, Mrs Harris! Push! Well done, Mrs Harris.
You've done it! What is it, Nurse? Let me see.
It's A cockney.
Sounds like I've arrived just in time.
Sister Bridget! Is it the end of the episode yet? Yes, Sister.
Well, that can only mean one thing.
Tea and cake? Oooh, lovely.
Yes, please.
'Looking around that room, I no longer saw squalor and filth 'and cockneys, I saw only squalor and filth and cockneys andcake.
' Can I go down the pub now? No, Mr Harris!
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