Way To Go (2012) s01e01 Episode Script

The Beginning Of The End

1 My dog's shat herself right in my bed! There's something wrong with her! Are you open? We're open 24 hours a day.
We were just cuddled up watching telly, when all of a sudden - bam! She's covered in shite.
I'm covered in shite.
All the cushions are covered in shite.
It even hit the TV! Please, help me! Sorry, I'm just the receptionist.
But if you fill out this form, the vet will be with you any minute.
Please! OK.
Let me take a look.
I've got it, Scott.
Not your job to touch the animals.
Clear that up.
Ah! There he is! Long night at the animal clinic, eh? Yeah, very.
I'm going to hit the sack.
Listen, come in here a minute.
I've got something to show you.
Oh, no, I can barely keep my eyes open.
Come on, you're going to love it.
I just want to sleep! Look at these.
George Best's football boots.
He wore them when he played for Manchester United in the European Cup Final in 1968.
You can still smell the grass on 'em.
Here, have a smell.
No, really Smell! There's George! Worth a bloody mint, these.
And I want you to have them.
Me? No, I can't take these.
It's not a gift, son.
They'd be a payment.
Payment? For what? I want you to kill me.
Cup of tea? Right, kids, are you ready to have some fun? And, bounce those legs! Come on, let's roll up now.
And left arm, 1-2.
And right arm, 3-4.
And left leg, 5-6.
And right leg, 7-8.
And again, double time.
Let's have it! And, all together now.
Come on! And all together, yes! Let's just do some freestyle.
Who knows what freestyle means? Tea and biscuits in a minute.
Freestyle, come on.
Both, and right.
And both.
So what do you think, Joey? Are they getting into it? Oh, yeah, yeah, deffo.
They're moving way better.
I mean a couple of 'em even touched their toes today.
'Course, they fell smack over on their faces, but, you know We don't make those kind of jokes here.
We respect the dignity of our third-agers.
Well, you should've told that to Mr Connolly when he started dry humping Mrs Wallace during squats.
Not much dignity there.
See you Friday.
See YOU Thursday.
Oh, fuck! That's not a very cheery welcome.
You said I had a month.
Two weeks ago.
Well, yes, so I've still got 12a fortnight! He's scaring me.
Relax, my friend.
We are not here to kill you.
Oh, good.
I'm just going to break your finger.
My fin wait! No! Last time we lent you money, it took too long to pay back.
We just can't take that risk again.
Now, come, give me your hand.
OK, OK, hang on! Why don't we just pretend it's broken.
I'll put a cast on it.
I'll never use it.
I'm a great actor.
I did Peter Pan at junior school.
And then what am I supposed to do? Lie to the people who pay me? You don't expect a man like me to lie? I don't expect it, but I would quite like it.
Eh? Yeah, I like that one! OK, OK, I will make you a deal.
Oh, thank God! Or Allah.
I mean, is it Allah with you two? Cos I love the guy! You may choose the finger.
What?! No! I will give you ten seconds, or I choose.
No, no, no, look, honest, I was Captain Hook! He was missing a whole hand! Ten, nine, eight No, no.
I'm begging you! Seven, six, five I don't know which one! I like them all! I would go with the pinky.
Four, three Here! Here! Shit! Good.
Now, relax.
I'm going to break it on three, OK? One You said on three! The element of surprise dulls the pain.
You reckon?! Good.
Two weeks.
Now we know you won't forget.
So long, Mr Captain Hook! Lou Gehrig's disease? That's what they call it in the States, yeah.
Over here, they call it ALS - A Life of Shite.
Would you like a biscuit with that? Look, Mr Brennan, I feel terrible about you having this Lou Gehrig's disease It's Paddy.
Paddy Gehrig's disease.
It's Lou Gehrig's disease.
You call me Paddy.
But I can't do this.
Why not? All you've got to do is get some What is it they knock the dogs off with? Pemrutox.
Stick it in my vein, press the plunger and Bob's your uncle! You've got the boots, you're a rich man.
Why couldn't you do that? I think it's mostly because I was taught NOT to kill people.
I think that's it.
Look at me, Scotty.
Every day, it gets harder to chew.
I keep dropping things.
Pretty soon, they're going to put a hole in me throat so that I can breathe.
Now, I don't want my lovely daughter having to look after a decrepit old man who can't wipe the shite out of his own arse.
I'll get you some beans on toast.
People can beat the odds, you know? Live long, productive lives.
Look at Stephen Hawking.
He's doing brill.
He writes books, lectures, opened the Paralympics.
He speaks into a box and pisses into a bag.
Well, sure.
You can spin it either way.
Look, I lived my life the way I wanted to live it.
I want to go the way I want to go.
I'll get you a packet of crisps.
How did that American bloke, Dr Kevorkian, kill people? Shhh! Didn't he use some sort of machine to let his victims kill themselves? I don't know.
Though, if they killed themselves, were they really his victims at all? Bloody hell, Scott! I'm trying to get off here and you're banging on about nut job killers! Ah, but was he a nut job? Or was he just, you know, doing the right thing? Who gives a toss? I don't even know what you're going on about! Do you want to nip out for a curry? I'm seeing someone else.
Or we could get one in.
Where's that menu? Wait, what? I'm seeing someone else.
Chuck us my knickers.
What do you mean, you're seeing someone else? Since when? A couple of weeks.
There just hasn't been a good time to tell you.
How about before we had sex? That would've been a VERY good time! Scott, please, don't.
This is really hard for me.
Oh, I'm sorry! Would you like me to help you relax by shagging you again?! No, I don't think that would work.
Where did you meet him? He's always in the restaurant at lunch.
You're dumping me for somebody who eats at Nando's? It's all top quality there, you know! I appreciate, as a proud employee, you're obligated to say that, but it's really not.
That's because you order everything without sauce.
It's the sauce that makes it! I don't believe this! Who is he? He's an up-and-coming music producer, Scott.
Not some berk that dropped out of medical school and is now doing nothing with his life.
I didn't drop out of medical school.
I couldn't afford it.
And I'm not going to spend the rest of my life paying back the government for something they should be giving me for free! Oh, Christ, Scott! This isn't your Occupy London bullshit again, is it? Because if it is, you can occupy your arse with it! Lucie! Goodbye.
I'll try the sauce! Night! Shit! Have you got a bag of peas? What happened now? I've got two weeks to get £8,000 or they're going to cut my head off.
I can see your pubes.
You're still gambling? Oh, just a bit.
You've got a job now.
I make WAY more gambling.
You never win! But I keep getting SO close! Lucie left me.
Says I wasn't doing anything with my life.
That's ridiculous! You're a vet.
I'm not a vet.
I'm a vet's receptionist.
You don't save animals and shit? No, I answer phones and shit.
That's a terrible job.
Did you ever get a good look at her arms? She's got beautiful arms.
Look, Scott.
That's all I need.
Deal with it yourself.
I've got my own shit going on.
You're my brother! Half-brother.
Give me four grand, then.
Dick! Look, anything! Please, Scott! I mean, if they kill me, Mum'll have nobody left.
There's me! I mean, nobody left to love.
Look, I am begging you.
I don't want to die.
I don't want to die.
I can still see your pubes.
Oh, for God's sake! Hey, pal? Could I get a little help here? My cat's just puked.
Hello? Hello? Cat sick on the floor! Excuse me? Puke! £12,000! Vomity cat.
Right here.
Could I get some help? Welcome to Chicken Bun.
Would you like to try our Sausage and Chicken Breakfast Bun box combo? Actually, I'm looking for Cozzo Costigan.
Great big fella, fixes the machines.
For your information, knobhead, I dropped eight pounds last month on a mind-blowing diet.
Debbie said you'd be here.
Well, you only just caught me.
I'm heading across town to another job.
Shake machine explosion.
Complete carnage.
Do you want a Chicken Biscuit? They taste like shit.
No, thanks.
So, um, how's what's-her-name? The one with the arms? Lucie? Yeah, yeah, yeah, she's good.
Oh, no.
You've been dumped.
She was sleeping around.
Good! Now you can too! Not me.
I'm stuck with Debbie.
There's nothing doing, penis-in-vagina wise.
I've not seen hide nor hair of her growler for months.
We're not getting on, you know? She's just cleaning all the time, obsessive.
I think she's got that OCD.
It can be a guilt thing, that.
Like a distraction, from something to hide.
What would she be hiding, anyway? You never know.
I didn't have the faintest Lucie was banging someone else.
Debbie is not banging anyone! Including me.
I could kill myself.
Well, that's sort of what I wanted to talk to you about You want me to build you a suicide machine?! Shhh, keep it down! Look, I'll pay you 4,000 squids, cash.
Lucie's left, but there's plenty more fish in the sea.
Some with bigger tits! It's not for me.
You want to kill Lucie? I'm not killing Lucie! If they find out in jail you killed a woman, your bumhole'll end up like that big red dot in the Japanese flag.
It's not for Lucie, OK? It's this old bloke.
He lives next door, he's got ALS, and he's offering me all this money To murder him? Are you out of your mind? My wife's a copper! Well, that's the point of the machine.
It's suicide, not murder.
Look, all you have to do is rig it so it releases six ccs of Pemrutox.
Pemru-what? It's the stuff vets use to put dogs to sleep.
Oh, right, yeah.
We had to put Snowball to sleep a few months back.
The thing went blind and kept bumping into walls.
It was quite funny at first, actually! Then not so much.
So could you make something like that? Yeah, 'course I could! And you will? Will I bugger! This is loony tunes! Debbie's in the filth! I can't get involved in shit like this.
Oh, should've been at McDonald's ten minutes ago! Look, nice to see you, Scott.
And soz about Luce.
Those arms! All right, who is he?! Who's who? This bloke you're seeing! Is it someone at the station? What are you talking about? Oh, come off it, Debbie! I'm not thick! Is it is it Frank? Johnny? Dave? Oh, it's Dave, isn't it? The one with the muscles and the face! Cozzo, there is no bloke! Oh, my God, it's a lady! Urgh, tell me it's not Bonnie! Have you been munching fur-burger? Tell me! I'm pregnant.
What? Almost three months.
Why didn't you say something? I thought you'd freak.
You know, ever since you lost your job Went freelance! And with what I make in the Met, I don't know, I just I didn't think that we could afford to To keep it? Are you nuts? Look who you're talking to.
I'll make sure we can afford it.
That's our baby in there, Debbie.
That's our frigging baby! It is OUR baby, right? Oh, stop! You two ready for this? You've been asking us for the last ten minutes.
We're ready! What about you, Joe? Let's just see it! Jesus Christ! Dun-du-du-du-du-dun-du-dah! Wow! That is beautiful! What the hell is that?! I call it The McFlurry of Death.
Oh, for God's sake! Whoa, whoa, whoa! Watch and learn.
Joey, get us a glass of water.
OK, you put the bottle in the top here.
Attach the IV needle to this end of the tube.
Like so.
And then, see where it says "ice?" Yeah.
Well, that's what the old man pushes down to, you know Ice himself?! Clever, huh? Yes, when people are about to kill themselves, they can't get enough of clever! Why don't we recite Oscar Wilde, while we're at it? No, that would just be boring.
OK, I've rigged it so it dispenses just the right amount of Pump Your Cocks.
Watch this.
Oh, wow! It's turned the water green.
That is brilliant! Oh, no, that's just residue from the shake machine.
It was St Patrick's Day last week.
You didn't clean it out! OK, so here's how it goes.
I, er I'll let you two use this thing.
But on loan.
Every time you help someone to top themselves, I get a percentage.
That's fine.
What do you mean, "every time?" This is just ONE desperate old man.
One old man? Are you having a laugh? You don't build a Snickers machine and only make one Snicker.
There must be shedloads of people that want out.
He's right, Scott.
We could make a fortune with this thing.
I mean, look at Snickers.
This is NOT Snickers! All right, Mars bar.
This is not chocolate bars! This is people's lives we're talking about! Not Mars Bars! It doesn't have to be a bar.
It could be a packet of something.
You know, like, Skittles.
Thank you.
Look, we are helping ONE person out of a tragic situation, and that is all.
Then I'm selling the boots on eBay.
You'll have your money, and you'll have your money.
Then we dispose of this thing so nobody can trace it back to us.
Understand? Do you understand?! Snickers! What's he got against Snickers? I don't know.
I'm going out for a smoke.
Do NOT touch the animals.
Hey, Scott.
Bloody hell! Jumpy or what? It's the middle of the night! And this is an all-night clinic.
You should be prepared for people coming in.
I am.
People with pets, which you don't have! So until you get a sick, y'know, weasel or something, please leave! You left some clothes at my place.
I thought you might want them back.
I ain't washed them or nothing.
Thank you.
That's wonderful.
Thank you very much, Lucie.
Goodbye, now.
Is something going on? Yes, something's going on! It's called work! Just like what your music producer does.
But instead of going "La la la la," I go, "Typety-type-type-type," OK? Now good-the-fuck-bye! Who was that? My ex.
Nice arms.
Eh, relax, will you? Nobody's ever going to find out.
All you've got to do is phone the police after a couple of days, tell them you haven't seen me for a while, and they'll think I died of the disease.
It's easy-peasy! Right, yeah.
D'you want a spliff? What? No, I don't smoke.
Go on.
Have a toke.
It'll loosen you up.
I'm fine.
Make a fist for me.
You know, if yours is the last face I'm ever going to see, I'd like to see a smile on it.
Oh, God, no! Go back to the other face.
Right, you might feel a little prick.
You never said we were going to get personal.
It's a joke! Oh.
Ha! OK? Yeah.
You're a natural.
You must have been a smackhead.
Two years at medical school.
Ah, not as much fun, eh? It was, actually.
I wish I could've done more.
OK, so if you just pull this lever, and the rest should take care of itself.
Ice! That's clever! Thank you.
You sure about this? Sayonara, Scotty.
Goodbye, Mr Paddy.
Paddy? Am I dead? Oh, God! I don't think it's working.
Shit! Oh, I'm not dead.
Nothing's coming out! Is it jammed or something? I am SO sorry! Is there anything I can do to help? No, no, no, you just sit there.
This is your moment of peace.
Work! Why are you not working? You piece of shit! Work! So? How'd it go? Apart from the fact it didn't work? Smashing! Impossible! The needle's in his arm, his eyes are shut, and the whole thing jams up.
What? So, you didn't get the boots? Paddy's not dead, you self-centred twat! You forgot to turn off the safety catch, you tit! I didn't know there was a safety catch, you shit! Everybody knows anything that kills people has got a safety catch! It's just common courtesy.
Joey? Common courtesy.
Thank you.
You didn't tell me! Well, now you know.
So go back.
It's an omen.
A sign.
I should NOT be doing this.
It's a sign you're chicken shit, that's what it is! I'm going to go and do it.
I don't give a toss about him.
That's exactly why you won't be going anywhere near him! This is somebody's life we're talking about! Yes! Mine! Isn't that the point? Killing him to prevent people from killing me! Maybe I'm all right with them getting rid of you! It'd be easier than digging you out of the shit all the time! Fuck off! You fucking fucker! You see, Cozzo? Now that's clever! Joseph Robert Copeland! Off your brother's back, right now! Put me down! Fill it up, Gary.
Iam going for a poo-poo.
Jo-ey? Good evening, Animal Clinic.
They broke my pointing finger, Scott.
I can't point any more.
Sorry, this is an animal hospital.
Even though you'd fit right in, I'm hanging up.
No, no, Scott! No, no! Please, please, don't! Please! Look, I'll change.
I swear to God, on Mum's life, I will never place another bet.
Mum's life? Good luck at the casinos! 'I've always been there for you!' Always, OK? Ever since Mum and your dad split up and you moved down south.
I've always been there.
'Do you remember when you nearly cut your thumb off?' Who stitched it up for you? You did - with fishing wire and a rusty nail.
I had to spend Christmas in the hospital! Do you know what Santa brought me that year? A blood transfusion! Look, I try my best, Scott.
I really do.
I just keep screwing up.
I can't stop screwing up.
I'm going to miss you, bruv.
I love you, man.
Can I ask you a question? Yeah.
Go ahead, lad.
Oh, this shit's good! Yeah.
Sticky Icky, it's called.
I used to smoke White Rhino, but this stuff's smoother.
What did you do with your life? Not, like, the family stuff.
I mean, all that's brilliant.
But, like, what did you do, do? I said doo-doo! I was in advertising.
You're shitting me? For who? Like on TV? Well you've heard of Pepsi? Pepsi? I love Pepsi! The taste test campaign? Yeah? Well, I helped them out with that.
FUCK OFF! That was you?! Well, I was part of a team, yeah.
I took that test! You did NOT! I swear down, I did! Look, I was like "I like that one best!" Which one did you choose? Oh, I don't know.
The wrong one, I think.
But, fuck it! So that was really you? Yeah.
I had a clipboard and everything.
I mean, you changed the world, man! I mean, you're a hero! The world needs heroes.
You don't want to do this, Paddy.
I do.
But why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why, why, why? Why? For the same reason that you chose the drink that you chose.
It's the right choice for me.
Why should I let life dictate what happens to me? This way, I dictate what happens to my life.
Let's do it.
You're ready? I'm ready.
You ready? Let's do it.
Let's do it! So I just stick that in there, and Thank you.
and then all you have to do is Paddy? Paddy? He did it.
We did it! We did it! Oh we did it.
See that, right there? Uh-huh.
That's the heart beating.
Oh, my God! Cozzo, our baby's heart! To think, you were going to have an abortion! Cozzo! What do you mean, you've found another?! No, no, no, no! It's just some guy I was having a pint with.
He's got stomach cancer.
How fantastic is that? You told some bloke you've never met before what we've done?! Are you mental? But it's shit loads of money, bruv.
And not in football boots.
We can't.
'This is your ticket to do whatever you want.
' There's got to be something you want to do with your life.
Right Doctor? Joey 'Is that a yes?' That's a yes, isn't it? I can hear it in your voice.
'You're saying yes! Just not actually using the word.
' Fan-fucking-tastic! We're in business, man! I'll phone you later with the details, yeah? Yes! Oh, shit! Oh, shit, shit, shit, shit! All right, all right! Please don't hurt me! Hurt you?! We need your help! Our dog's broke its leg.
Oh, thank God! I'm sorry! Oh, and that is quite sad, yeah.

Next Episode