Way To Go (2012) s01e02 Episode Script

The Business End of Things

1 Please help me! OK.
Let me take a look.
Not your job to touch the animals.
George Best's football boots.
There'll be a payment.
Payment? I want you to kill me.
I'm going to break it on "three," OK? One Ahh! Deal with it yourself.
I've got my own shit going on.
But you're my brother.
Well, give me four grand, then.
What is it they knock the dogs off with? Pemrutox.
Stick it in my vein.
And why couldn't you do that? You're dumping me for somebody who eats at Nando's? It's all top quality there, you know.
Have you been munching fur-burger? I'm pregnant.
You want me to build you a suicide machine? Are you out of your mind? My wife's a copper.
Well, that's the point of the machine.
It's suicide, not murder.
Da-dah! What the hell is that? The McFlurry of Death.
Paddy? Ha-ha! We did it! Oh! We did it.
That's gotta be murder.
Murder? What do you mean, murder? Why would you think it was murder? Dying of a heart attack like that, all alone in your flat.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, that's awful.
Dying of natural causes that, you know, naturally occur.
Just terrible.
Oh, er sorry.
Gotta change that.
'Where are you?' We're supposed to be there in ten minutes.
They're taking Paddy away.
'Well, it has been two days since you helped the bloke kill himself.
'The place probably stinks like Mum's corned-beef hash by now.
Just hurry up.
' Well, this is all very exciting, isn't it? Our second assisted suicide in a week.
Remember, don't let him pull the lever until you make sure all the money's in your pocket.
Right, Scott? Scott? Seeing Paddy in a bag like that.
Just knowing I was the one responsible.
I feel Awesome.
I know.
Finally you're doing something interesting with your life.
Anyway, today's guy is called Elroy Carrington.
He's coloured, and he's got stomach cancer.
Sorry? Did you just say the man was coloured? Yeah.
Why? Do you only think we should be helping white people, you ignorant racist pig? What's racist is you using the word "coloured," you ignorant lummox.
Then how am I supposed to describe a black guy? By saying he's black.
Oh, come on.
That is so obvious.
I don't think I can do this again.
What's the big fucking deal? It's a human life.
Using the word "coloured.
" People have been saying it for centuries, and suddenly now it's racist? It's been racist since before you were born, you wazzock.
Oh, so many rules, I can't keep up.
I just don't think I'm doing the right thing.
Think of it this way, Scott.
You're helping people kill themselves so you can earn money to go to medical school so you can help people get better.
That, right there, is the circle of life.
I can still call Chinese "Orientals", though, can't I? Of course.
What else are you going to call 'em? Go get him, killer.
Knock 'em dead.
That thing looks like it was made from old Coke machine parts.
Coke machine? Oh, no, that's ridiculous.
This is a very hi-tech piece of equipment.
Shake machines? Yes.
But, er trust me.
It's it's all going to go smoothie.
Smoothie? I meant smoothly.
Are you sure it's going to work? Er nobody's lived yet.
Well, ain't life amazing? In just a few short minutes, I ain't going to have one any more.
I'll be dead.
Gone forever.
Just a blot on the memory of the world.
And you're the bloke who made it all possible.
Ha! You.
That must make you feel good? You know, the plastic from those bottles leeches into the water and causes brain damage.
I once saw a show about people living in a Third World country who drink the same water from the river they shit in.
Urgh! And they can live like that, drinking their own shit? Not only can they live like that, I've never seen anyone happier.
Those people are always smiling.
Oh, Jesus! Shit! Christ! Fuck! What's going on? Look at the police car over there.
It's Debbie.
Do you ever worry, with her being a copper and that, she might be a lesbo? Pretend you're alone! Ohh! She's gone.
Oh, you stink.
Oh, I forgot to tell you something.
What? Ahh! My wife's not a lesbo.
Ahh! Dick.
Here you are.
II think I must just have a touch of food poisoning.
Food poisoning? I've got stomach cancer.
I've never thrown up as much as that.
Here, just, um get comfortable and and we'll do this.
Um er this is the needle.
It's, er it's sterilised.
I don't care if it's got AIDS on it, I'm going to be dead.
Yeah, course.
Um so, if you just, er lie still.
Make make a fist for me.
OK, I'll, um I'll put this in your arm now.
What the hell, man? I'm the one who's dying, not you! I'm sorry.
I don't know what's the matter with me.
I do.
You've got serious mental problems.
No, no, I I can do this.
The fuck you will.
Get out.
And take your shake machine with you.
Please, no, I'm Oh, fucking amateur.
What I can't understand is how come these Third World countries are so loaded up with people.
I mean, who's drinking a bucket of shit water and then going in for a shag? If I'm drinking shit water, I'm going straight to bed.
Ooh, there he is.
How did it go? He didn't want to do it.
Let's get out of here.
What do you mean, he didn't want to do it? I don't know.
He just he saw the needle, completely freaked out.
So that's it.
Off home.
So, wait, the man wants to die and he's afraid of a needle? That's impossible.
Oh, there's no accounting for people's fears, Joe.
I mean some people are afraid of snakes, but not bears.
Huh! Which is crazy, cos a bear could take your head off with one whoosh.
Let's go.
I mean, that's not to say I'm not afraid of snakes.
I mean, I am.
Just not as much as bears, that's all.
Let's go.
Actually, now I say it out loud, I think I'm more afraid of snakes than bears.
Who cares? Let's just go! Chillax! We're going.
I'll tell you what I'm afraid of.
Don't say it.
It's racist.
Have you been working out? Er no, not really.
Your shoulders are getting bigger.
Still going through puberty, I guess.
Not you.
You're ripe.
Come on! Time to take out the rubbish.
Ever played football? Er middle school.
Hmm! Can I ask you a question? Had 'em tied five years ago.
Every time you put one of these animals to sleep, how do you do it without getting all, you know emotional? Emotional? Oh, fuck, Scott.
As far as I'm concerned, every single one of these cats and dogs I put down is just a furry little ball of cash in my pocket.
But still, you've gotta feel something, right? I mean, after all, you are a human being.
Aren't you? I used to cry, first ten or eleven times.
Until my wonderful father, a very successful shoe salesman, took me aside and said, in a way only Daddy could, "Grow some balls, you stupid bitch.
It's just business.
" And he was right.
Instead of selling shoes, I was killing dogs.
There's no place for emotion in business, Scott.
When I realised that, everything changed.
Be careful with the next one.
It's a St Bernard.
Use the knees.
Iam Baby Daddy! Oh! Oh! Baby Daddy! Dabby Babby! Babby Booby! Booby Booby! I want boobies! Yeah! Why weren't you at work today? What do you Of course I was at work! But now it's time for play.
So, how about letting me see those big ol' baps filling with milk? Hmm? The elixir of life.
Me want to live! I saw you parked outside the Belmont Flats at 11, with that slacker Joey sitting next to you.
Joey? Yeah.
Well, yeah.
I mean, I was picking him up for the car share.
What car share? Didn't I tell you? I've been, er car-sharing.
You know, for the environment.
I don't want our baby sucking on exhaust fumes the second it comes out of your muff, right? Now, how about we put something into that muff, if you know what I mean? There is no work, is there? What do you mean, there's no work? Of course there's work.
Cozzo, just tell me the truth.
Boobies! Look at me.
There is no work.
Not at the moment, no.
But I promise you, Debs, as long as there's air to breathe, you and that thing in your squish-mitten are never going to have to worry about nothing.
Never? Never ever.
Now, come on, quick, I'm almost finished.
Last night, while my Debbie and I were doing the intercourse, I did something I never done before.
Satisfied your partner? No.
I let one loose.
It just came straight out.
You know, thrust, thrust, "Phrrrrt!" At first I was embarrassed, but then I must say, there was something actually quite intimate about it.
Oh, by the way, I've paid off my moneylender.
So, from now on, everything I earn goes straight to the bank.
No more broken fingers for me.
Congrats, mate! Ow! What did you do that for? Come on.
What? You held up your hand.
A business seminar? What's this about, Scotty? Is this some sort of a joke? No, we're the joke.
We're conducting ourselves like amateurs.
I mean, look at this piece of shit machine you made.
The McFlurry of Death? That's a thing of beauty.
It looks like they're about serve themselves an ice cream, not die.
Well, if I was going to die, I would love an ice cream.
Joey? Mint choc chip with sprinkles.
That's a good way to die.
Thank you! Just make it look more professional.
You know, streamline it.
And this is just the beginning.
But if we're actually going to do this thing, then I have to we've got to start thinking of this as a legitimate business.
Although, God knows, it's the furthest thing from it.
He's right, you know.
We've not even agreed on a pay structure yet.
Well, if you ask me, people should only pay what they can afford.
Plus we should have a reward scheme with a little card that you stamp.
Buy four deaths, get the fifth one free.
Like a frequent-dier programme.
You can't die frequently.
No, no, no.
You buy it for the whole family.
And then if the kids want to kill themselves, well, then, it's already sorted, isn't it? Well, it's good parenting.
No? No.
Mothers of Mercy! What? That could be our name.
Mothers of Mercy.
We don't need a name, and we're not women.
No, no, no, not those sorts of mothers.
Mothers as in "motherfuckers.
" Oh, I see.
But of mercy! Exactly.
Cos "mothers" is fucking hard, right? Then you throw in a little bit of "mercy", softens the whole thing right up.
What do you think? We don't need a name.
I could totally see "Mothers of Mercy" on a hat.
With the Ms as the bones and then O in the "of" as a skull.
I'd wear that hat.
We're not getting hats.
Every business has a hat.
And jackets.
We're not getting jackets or hats or scarves or badges Badges! I want a badge! Or anything that says, "Look at me, everybody! "I'm helping people kill themselves!" Got it? Now, the seminar starts at two.
I've already bought tickets.
I expect you both to be there.
Is that clear? Fine.
But when we do get jackets, can I vote for fleece? Oh, I love a fleece.
So comfortable.
Is it really four hours? Come on.
That's it.
Keep it going.
Let's shake those booties! Yeah, can you see that? Making good.
Shaking booties! Yes, Mrs Martin! Shake that pelvis like it's 1949! Come on! Oh, crap.
Just so you know, I'm not going to need your monetary services any more, considering I've decided to forgo gambling and take up a respectable business.
Well, sort of.
In fact, not at all.
But it's not gambling.
Good for you, my friend, eh? That makes me very happy.
Oh, thank you.
In fact I'm off to a business seminar right now.
Quick question.
Is it wrong to call you people coloured? Hey, I'd kill somebody if they called me that.
See? That's exactly what I thought.
Now, thank you for settling an argument.
Oh, by the way.
You still owe us £4,000, eh? 4,000? I paid you everything.
Hey, relax, my friend.
There was a mistake in our accounting department.
It's OK.
It's our own fault.
So we're not going to break your finger.
Oh, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you.
You're going to break somebody else's finger.
Joey hasn't texted you, has he? No.
Are you happy with the size of your cock? Scott? Oh, I'm sorry.
Was I actually supposed to respond to that? I was in the shower this morning, scrubbing my bits, and realised that I don't think mine's as big as it should be, you know, for a man of my size.
You'd think a lifetime of tugging on it would have made it a bit bigger, but no.
What do you think I should do? Keep plugging away? I know, but there's only so many hours in the day.
Maybe you should take a look? What? No! I thought that's why you applied to medical school, so you could be a doctor? Well, yeah, I am, but I'm not a doctor yet, and even if I was, I wouldn't want to look at your tiny dick.
You haven't applied yet, have you? Yeah, of course I have.
Bovus fimus.
Bovus fimus? It's Latin for bullshit.
You'd probably learn that if you went to medical school.
I'm waiting, OK? For what? To, you know, see if this whole thing works out.
I just don't want to count my chickens before they hatch, that's all.
Are you kidding me? When this business gets up and running, there'll be no chickens hatching, cos all the mother and father chickens will have killed themselves.
That's how great we're going to do.
Yeah, I dunno.
Yeah, and that's cos of you, you know that? I'm going to be able to afford to take care of my baby, all because of you.
Give me a hug.
We're going to be late for the lecture.
Give me a hug! Cozzo! Aah! Get off! I'm pressed all the way against you, and I bet you still can't feel a thing, can you? Get off me.
I don't understand how there can be so many people starting businesses.
Everything's already been done.
I mean, at least with assisted suicide, it's something new.
Will you keep your voice down? Hey, you with the no hair.
What kind of business are you starting? I'm opening a shop that sells light fixtures.
Oh, yeah.
Like we need more of those.
See what I mean? Good afternoon, everyone, my name is Harold Adams, and welcome to The Business Of Starting A Business.
You know, I've heard that little men like this guy have unusually large peni.
Ssh! Today is all about making a potential client believe that your product will change his life.
Because if you can do that, you'll get him every time.
Is that a fold in the front of this guy's trousers, or am I looking at the outline of his cock? Why don't you try listening to his words instead of trying to gauge the size of his penis? I'm trying.
I really am.
So, why don't we begin with this word here? Image! Sorry.
II thought we were all supposed to say the Go on.
It's definitely his cock.
Consideration when you're starting a business.
But it begins with you.
How you talk, what you wear.
From the very second a client meets you, he should be comfortable with the image you present.
So, apparently, this guy wants to present the image he's hung like a horse.
You should really get checked for ADD.
He's the one who's got ADD.
A donkey dick.
Question for everybody.
What other forms of image are there in a company? Yes, you at the back? Company name? Excellent.
And when it comes to names, they don't have to be clever.
They just have to stand out from the crowd.
What's the name of your company, sir? Mothers of Mercy.
Oh, well, that's an excellent name.
Thank you.
Depending, of course, on what the business is.
What's your business? What business? The business you're starting.
My business? Yes.
What is it? Well, it's it's none of your business what my business is Mr Big Cock.
Why don't you just get on with your business, telling everyone about businesses? Mm? Yes, well, move moving on.
Er See that? He liked the name.
Core values.
There's no way I can do this.
Of course you can.
With just a little bit of force, a finger snaps like a candy cane.
And you like candy canes, don't you, Razak? Where is the guy? Mm.
Over there.
That's a woman.
Sweet girl, but short on cash.
But that's a woman.
Why do you think I don't want do it? Eh? They just scream like small, small girls.
It hurts my heart.
So, what are you going to do if I don't, eh? You going to break my hand? Is that what you're going to do? He wants to know if we're going to break his hand.
Why are you laughing? You're always laughing! Because if you don't do it, Razak here will just shoot off your kneecap.
With a gun? Relax, my friend, eh? He jams the barrel behind the kneecap and shoots outwards.
That way it just blows off the patella without damaging the femur.
It's a very good technique.
I'll never walk again.
Oh, definitely not, no.
That's a terrible technique.
Not for us it's not.
You're laughing again.
Stop laughing! You have 24 hours.
I don't know why we have to dress in suits to help kill someone.
Look, we should dress like a clown or something to make 'em happy.
Oh, I'm sure people would love to see a horrifying fat clown just before they died.
Well, it doesn't have to be you.
I could dress up like that.
Either way.
Oh, shit, I left my wallet Hey! Hey, er Mr Carrington! Oh, the barf-man cometh.
I'm glad to see you haven't killed yourself yet.
How are you? Horrible.
But now slightly worse.
Look, I'm I'm really sorry about what happened.
Yeah, I was supposed to be decomposing by now.
But apparently I'll have to use another option to get there.
No, no, don't.
I promise you, my business is still the best option there is.
What? Getting thrown up on, to death? I don't think so.
The bell-end in there acted like he didn't have my wallet.
He even threatened to break my nose if I didn't stop harassing him.
So, he never gave it you back? No.
It was actually in my back pocket the whole time.
But still, what a dick.
Who's this? Cozzo, this is Elroy Carrington.
Carrington? Wait, you're the bloke who pussied out instead of killing himself? Cozzo.
Pussied out? I never pussied out.
It was your friend here that pussied out, not me.
Scott? Look at him, he's not a pussy.
He said you were the pussy.
You said I was a pussy? I might have implied that you changed your mind.
Aw, you more than implied it.
The way he made it seem, it was a total pussy-fest.
Can we stop talking about pussy? Afternoon, ladies.
Mr Carrington, please.
Overdosing is not the way to go.
We are.
But you don't have to decide right now.
How about we come over and pitch you our business with a new attitude and a new and improved machine to ensure that you get to the other side quicker and more painlessly than our previous model? Right, Cozzo? Do you not like ice cream? Right? Right! Mr Carrington, I promise you, what we have to offer will change your life into, you know death.
All we have to do is explain to this guy why he shouldn't be killing himself with pills.
Yeah, or anything else for that matter.
I saw a picture of a guy on the Net that went to shoot himself in the head, and accidentally blew his face off.
All he had left was this tiny little hole where his mouth used to be.
Ha-ha-ha-ha! That's horrible.
We should use that.
Although it turned out he was a marvellous whistler.
Won a competition.
Bird calls, I think.
Don't mention that part.
But the face thing is brilliant! How do you do it, Scott? Do what? Just something to someone else.
It's just so many emotions.
I just can't imagine it.
That's why we have to think of it as a business, Joey.
You know, that's all it is.
It's just business.
Yeah, it's just a business.
Pow! Can I help you? Hello.
My name is Joey.
I've been sent by Nkanta.
Are you here to break my finger? Sorry, ma'am.
Yes, I am.
Oh, fuck.
Er come in, then.
Thank you, ma'am.
Would you like a drink? I'm good.
Unless you've got an orange cordial.
Sorry, fresh out.
Then I'm fine, thanks.
Orangina? Ooh.
That would be wonderful.
Lovely place.
Thanks, yeah, I'm very fond of it.
You know, Joey, you really don't have to do this.
I wish I didn't.
But if I don't, then they're going to blow off my kneecap.
And if it's all the same to you, I'd much rather keep it.
Course you would.
This is all for you.
Thank you.
So, where shall we do this? I was thinking right here.
What what are you doing? Oh.
Ooh, God.
Arise thy mortal souls! We are the Mothers of Mercy! The Mothers of Mercy! The Mothers of Mercy! The Mothers of Mercy! The Mothers of Mercy Cozzo? Jesus Christ, Debs! If I'd had a knife in my hand, I'd have stabbed you in the face! Sorry, sweetie.
I got off work a little early.
Well, great, let's go for dinner.
What are you working on there? Nothing.
Come on, I'm starving.
Come on, Cozzo, tell me.
What is that thing? Fine, if you want to know, I'll tell you, but you've got to promise not to breathe a word of this to anyone.
I swear.
I'm working on a machine that cleans up the world's water supply, you know, so that children in the Third World nations don't have to drink the same water they shit in.
This is what you're doing with your day instead of looking for work? This is work.
As a matter of fact, I'm going on Dragons' Den when I'm done with this, get investors.
I swear, Duncan Bannatyne will chew my leg off for the chance to clean up the world's shit water supply.
I'll make more money than God.
What are you laughing at? Oh, my God, Cozzo.
I love you.
Oh, that was amazing.
Best ever.
Apart from this one girl down in Greenwich, it really was.
Oh! What the fuck? What? Jesus! You just broke my fucking finger! I said I was going to.
That's why I came here.
But we fucking shagged! What's that got to do with anything? I did it so you wouldn't break my finger, you stupid fuck! Well, you didn't say that.
It was implied! Implied? I thought it was cos you thought I was super hot.
Just get the fuck out of here! Oh, God, I feel so used.
Oh, just get out! So, what, like no dinner? No! Jesus fucking Christ! Oh! Mr Carrington, we guarantee you an easier, more effortless death than any alternative possibly can.
Or your money back.
For example, you were thinking of taking pills.
I thought we were starting with jumping off a bridge.
Pills first.
You'll love the bridge part.
Very exciting.
The problem with pills is you've got a one-in-five chance of choking, vomiting, and/or going into a coma.
Boy, oh, boy, Scott! That sounds bad.
But not as bad as jumping off a bridge.
Windows next.
Is it? Pills, windows, gun, bridge.
Oh! I forgot about the gun.
You're going to love the gun.
When jumping out of a window, not only are the bone fragments, blood splatter and internal organs strewn hundreds of feet from impact, but also there's the chance you could land on an innocent bystander or dog, killing them too.
Boy, oh, boy, Scott! That sounds bad.
But not as bad as jumping off a bridge.
Jumping off a gun.
Shooting yourself with a gun.
Because if you miss, which happens one out of ten times, you could wind up completely paralysed.
Or, if you're lucky, spend the rest of your life as a competitive whistler.
Pow! A what? Forget about that.
All that matters is that you choose us.
Mothers of Mercy.
That's not our name.
Do you like that name? Forget the name.
All that matters is that you choose us to, er to, um to Do you know what? Er we're done here.
What do you mean, we're done? What about the bridge? I act out what goes through your mind as you fall towards the water - birth, marriage, kids, face-plant! It's a tour de force.
Can I do it? You just did.
Er I'm sorry, Mr Carrington.
I hope we didn't waste too much of your time.
You know, the the time you have left.
What are you doing? We had him! This is a human being, and we're trying to sell him assisted suicide like we're selling steak knives.
OK, fine, we'll leave out the part about the dangers of killing himself with a steak knife.
I'm sorry, but I can't do this.
I can't think of what we're doing as a business.
And you say you want to be a doctor? I'll find another way to pay for medical school.
This has nothing to do with the money.
What do doctors do for people, huh? What do they do? They help them feel better by getting rid of their pain.
What's that got to do with anything? Because that's what you're doing by helping these people off themselves.
You are! You're giving them a permanent kind of no-pain.
Which kind of makes you the best doctor in the world, don't it? Mr Carrington, you've had a wonderful life, and we hope that you choose us Mothers of Mercy to help you have a wonderful death.
All right.
Let's do this.
What? Hook me up and get me out of here.
Really? Only don't say another fucking word.
I don't want to die with an 'eadache.
That's not very nice.
Shut up.
Yeah! Well done, kids! Amazing today.
Hey, and give it up for Mrs Dunphy, who managed to hold in her gas this time around.
Well done, Mrs Dunphy.
Amazing, amazing! How did it go? Not bad.
We killed him.
We didn't kill him.
But our pitch killed him.
And then he, you know, killed himself.
This is incredible, bruv.
When word of mouth gets out about this, our business is going to explode.
There is no word of mouth, you idiot.
If we do a good job, our clients are dead.
Oh, yeah.
So, where are we going to find people who want to die?
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