Wayne (2019) s01e05 Episode Script


What the fuck are you doing? All right, now you try.
I can't do it! - Mom, come on.
Yes, you can.
- No! Come on! - Okay.
- You ready? - All right.
- Yeah.
- One - Two - Okay.
- Okay, one, two Ow! Oh, I can't do it.
I can't do it.
The water gets up my nose and I I start drowning.
I'm not meant to be upside down.
Not unless your father's behind me.
Oh, Jesus, Ma.
Don't be disgusting.
How do you think you got here? Oh, my God.
Will you stop? I think he goes in my school.
Well, if he goes to your school, then you should be the one flirting with him.
I'm good.
Come on, he's half decent.
Good job, maybe he's got a car.
I said, I'm good.
What is it, another boy? Another girl? Jesus, Ma! I don't give a shit.
As long as you're happy and she's got a car.
I just don't really want a boyfriend right now, that's all.
What kind of 14-year-old girl doesn't want a boyfriend? I'm busy.
- Busy with what? - With stuff.
I'm thinking of running for Class President.
Oh wait, for real? Yeah.
I mean, maybe.
I just I don't know.
I don't know if I'm the type of person that people would vote for.
Not really.
Even like or whatever, so.
Why wouldn't they like ya? You're smart, you're kind, you're pretty.
You can do a frigging underwater handstand! - Ma - I'm just saying, I would vote for ya.
Hey, you know what? I never actually graduated.
Maybe I can go back and finish the tenth grade just so I can vote for ya.
Oh, yeah, thanks.
I'm sure your one vote would really just send me over the top.
I don't know.
I'm just not the type of person that people notice, so.
Well, how are they gonna notice ya if your nose is always in a book? Okay, well, college admissions officers will notice me, so Here.
It's my turn to teach you something.
If you want something, you gotta go out and get it.
And you can get anything you want if people like ya.
It's all about accentuating what you already got.
Now, I'd like to tell you the titties are coming, but they're not.
From both sides of the family, you come from a long line of tit-less women.
So turn up the charm.
Hey, handsome.
Uh, two pinas coladas, please.
Uh, make one of 'em virgin for her, or half-virgin.
I'm not sure.
Ma And can you just, uh, add it to the tab you got going from 219? And the name? Graciella Campos.
- Thank you, Ms.
- Thank you.
What? It's just a teeny tiny little lie.
The real Graciella would dispute the charges, victimless crime.
Well, you just named the victim and the crime.
Plus, you literally just said if people like you, you can get whatever you want.
Well, sometimes, to get people to like you, you gotta not be you at all.
I gotta piss wicked.
Okay, now remember, you're the daughter of Graciella Campos, we're visiting from Philly for the medical supply convention.
Just give 'em some details that sound like you're the kid of someone that sells doctor shit.
Well, gee, thanks, Ma.
You're really giving me a lot to work with here.
Will you please flirt with that lifeguard? - Have him rub some of this on you, okay? - Stop! Jesus! Hey.
That's my daughter.
Could be a possum.
It's fuckin' meowin'.
Possums don't fuckin' meow.
All of a sudden, you got a fucking PhD in possums now? A Possum hD? What the fuck do you know? It's a fucking cat, you idiot.
Maybe we can keep 'em.
Name him Drake.
We're not keepin' that fuckin' cat.
Hey! Hey! Hey, what the fuck are you doing? Hey! I'm just scaring 'em out of the wall.
They hate this shit.
You know who else hates this fucking shit? Huh? Me.
Cut it out.
I fucking told you.
Meowing possums.
What'd I tell you about hitting in this household, huh? Now, where's your mother and your sister? Your ma's not answerin' her texts.
I don't know.
Ma mentioned something about goin' on a girls' day or some shit.
She said what? When'd she say that? When I asked her if I could come.
Get out.
You're killing me.
Hey, how come we never do a boys' day? Because I can't stand you two.
Fuck! - What the fuck is your deal? - I got you good.
I have told you - Take it, take it - We got the cat.
Boom! Excuse me.
Can I ask who it was you were staying with again? Uh, I'm, uh Graciella's kid.
Um, Campos.
We're here with the, um, the medical supply convention.
Well, you know, she is.
My mom.
She's a doctor.
You know, heart monitors.
And, uh, she's my mom.
What the hell's going on over here? Someone's been charging items to Graciella Campos' account without Graciella's permission.
Yeah? Well, I'm Graciella.
And did you get to the bottom of the particular situation? I'm terribly sorry, ma'am.
Perhaps there was a mix-up at the register.
Uh, I'm sorry, There's no mix-up.
I'm Graciella Campos.
And that must be the other bathing suit that was charged to my room.
Where'd you get the bathing suit, miss? Oh, I got this at, um Uh She's speechless.
As am I.
I mean, this is a goddamn outrage.
I don't know who this hag is, this swindler, but I'm Graciella Campos.
Oh! Okay, okay, is this for real? If she's the real Graciella, then prove it.
You got ID on you? - I'm wearing a friggin' tankini! - Oh, yeah? Well, I do.
You motherfucker! That's Mrs.
Campos to you, bitch! All right.
We wanna do everything we can to avoid causing a scene here.
Oh, you do not wanna fuck with me! I will sully the name Courtyard Park Hotel on TripAdvisor.
They'll be callin' it Prisonyard Park Hotel! Uh, you will hear from my fucking lawyer.
I will Erin Brockovich this bitch.
- Oh! - Hey! That's my fucking purse! Hey! No running! That lifeguard noticed ya! Del: Yeah, I bet he did.
Thanks! Dang! - Graciella is quite the party girl.
- Oh, God! Kinda like this bitch now, huh? Hmm.
What is it, kid? I feel bad.
You feel bad? For what? 'Cause I messed up.
Completely forgot the lie.
- I fucking panicked.
- Hey! Hey Don't you ever apologize for bein' better than me.
You hear me? Yeah.
Hey, I saw a sign at the hotel that said, "Murphy Family Reunion.
" Maybe go back tomorrow and be Murphys.
I don't think we can go back to the Courtyard Park Hotel for a very long time.
Probably ever.
Fuck the Courtyard Park Hotel.
DoubleTree's got free cookies.
I hate those cookies.
So does my ass, but that don't stop me.
Get that, will you? Hey, don't tell your father you drove.
Where the fuck were you two, huh? - At the library.
- At the library? Really? Come here.
Ah, your breath don't smell like books.
Well? Where? Courtyard Park Hotel.
What? Again with the pool-hoppin' shit, Donna? Come on! Hey, build me a pool, and I don't have to drive to the west side to find one.
You're in construction for Christ's sake.
Just build a hole in the ground and fill it with a hose.
- I'm gonna dig a hole back there, right? - Yeah.
- And I'm gonna jump the fuck in, right? - Finally! So I don't have to deal with you twos anymore, all right? - Get in there.
- Yeah, yeah.
- Okay, okay.
Sorry, Daddy.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Get inside, will you? - I'm gonna wash up for supper.
Hey, what is this? I don't remember buying you a goddamn bathin' suit.
You didn't.
Graciella did.
Wait, who the fuck is Graciella? She paid for your daughter's bathin' suit, so quit your bitchin'.
No, no.
Come here.
Don't be draggin' our daughter into your schemin' shit.
- Oh, I'm sorry.
I've been a bad girl.
- Yeah.
I know, but I don't want Delilah bein' a bad girl.
Hey, Delilah's a good kid, okay? All right, look, baby, one Donna's trouble enough.
The world don't need another one.
- I got you something.
- What did you get me? No, you didn't! Oh, my God, you got me clams! Do they come with the bellies? Because I am not paying for a box of breadcrumbs.
Oh, come on, who loves you? You do.
Oh, you're disgusting, you know that? What's that smell? Tuna.
Tryin' to get a cat from the wall.
Supposedly a cat.
It's a fuckin' cat.
When I find it, I'm gonna strangle this thing.
Hey! You better not be wastin' my goddamn tuna.
You fucking open it, you eat it.
Hey! Sit down.
We're sittin' at the table like proper people! - God.
- Stop kidding around.
Your sister has an announcement to make.
- I do? - Yeah.
Tell 'em about the school thing.
Tell 'em.
I'm running for Class President.
What? No, that shit's just a popularity contest.
- No.
- Yeah, so what? What, are you popular all of a sudden now, Dee, huh? Not really.
She thinks she's better than people 'cause she reads books.
You're just jealous 'cause you can't even read.
- I can read.
- Okay, Carl, spell "restaurant".
I'm eatin' right now.
What is this, fucking Harvard school? Because you can't.
- I can.
You know what I can spell? "Fuck you!" - Try it then.
- Fuck you! - Hey, hey! Shut up, already! Hey, hey, hey.
Shut the fuck up! I think this election thing will be good for her.
You know, get her out of her shell.
I mean, she'd be popular.
She's just quieter.
Why does she care if people fucking like her or not? I mean, fuck them.
If people aren't assholes now, they're gonna become assholes later.
Mark my fucking words, Del.
Yeah, well, you got a big head start.
All right, thanks for the pep talk, everybody.
I gotta study.
- Nerd! - Del! Hey, hey, hey! Come here! Come here, come here.
Come on.
I'll take you to the store tomorrow and we'll get some poster boards and sequins and glitter, and Puffy paint and all that.
You can't win a campaign without campaign posters, huh? Who's gonna pay for all this, your friend Graciollo? Because I ain't paying for fucking shit.
Yeah, you are.
She's gonna win this thing.
Mark my words.
Well, it's a waste of time and it's a waste of goddamn money.
Hey, eat your clam bellies, you goddamned Gloomy Gus.
I saw his head! Shit.
You okay? I swear to Christ, I'm gonna put him in the wall with that goddamn cat.
You and I are raising a couple of fucking morons, you know that? And one future fuckin' President! - Go study! - Go get 'em, kid.
Would you get your elbows off the goddamn table? Hey, I'm fucking fine.
It's okay, Ted.
Hey, excuse me, do you have a minute to talk about the blood drive? Hey, we need volunteers to pour the orange juice.
I'm gonna punch someone in the face till they need a blood drive.
Chill, we'll just go table to table.
You know, meet the people.
No, I hate the people.
Well, I need the people to like me, so smile for once in your life.
You're in an oddly upbeat mood.
My mom's helpin' me run for Class President.
Your mom? For real? Hey, be nice.
I don't know what's more surprising, you putting yourself out there like this Or your fuckin' mom bein' helpful.
All right.
Give her a break.
You know she tries.
- Hey.
- Hi.
Hi, I'm Del.
This is Natalie.
This a gay-straight alliance thing? Or I hate the people.
Well, we're holdin' a blood drive next week.
It's for our hockey team.
You know, our goalie got hurt pretty bad.
Dude took a blade to the jugular.
Vein just ripped open, and blood was spurtin' everywhere like a fuckin' faucet.
He almost bled to death right on the ice, and then, when the paramedics finally came, they were slippin' and slidin' in all this blood and one of 'em actually threw up.
That was a fuckin' shit show.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, but, you know, they was able to save him, thanks to people chipping in and donating their blood, much like you guys.
So, what do you think? What's in it for me? Uh, the satisfaction of helpin' others? Do we get out of class? Yes.
Should've just opened with that.
Hey, uh, while I'm here, I'm also running for Class President, so, you know, maybe if you like, you could vote for me.
I'll let you copy my English homework.
Oh, yeah.
She's a fuckin' English savant.
- I don't know what that means.
- Yeah, exactly.
But with her doing your homework, you won't have to, so.
Works for me.
Hey, uh, didn't you and your dumpster-fire of a mom get thrown out the Courtyard Park Hotel the other day? It's Oxy, right? Not crack.
- Or is it both? - Hey, Ugly Betty, eat a dick.
You know what? I'm thinking' I'll run for Class President.
Maybe my campaign platform could be "Crack is Whack.
" Yeah, I heard Eric Powers liked your crack.
By the way, just because you take it in the ass doesn't mean you're still a virgin.
So, yeah.
Fuck you! Thanks.
I'm sure that'll help me get elected.
Oh, fuck 'em.
Hey, why do you care what those bitches think, anyway? I don't.
Fuck those hoes.
I gotta go.
My ma's picking me up.
I'll see ya tomorrow.
Where's Ma? She don't feel so good.
Just get in.
Come on, get in.
Hey, Del.
This shit's expensive.
Yeah, well, this shit's necessary.
How are people supposed to vote for me if they don't know who I am? Well, I'll tell you what.
You don't need a fucking poster board.
All you need's a black sharpie, right? You want to remind people to vote for you, you could write your name on the bathroom walls.
That's how I got your mom's number.
Ma promised puffy paint.
Hey, what are you doing'? Hmm? I like the pink, but I think the green might be more gender-neutral.
Gender what? The fuck is gender-neutral? Hey, look.
Look at me.
I ain't buying you both, okay? So just pick one, so we could please get the fuck outta here.
This would have been more fun with Ma.
Yeah, well, clearly, your mother's not here.
I know.
Hey, kid.
What are you, what are you What are you doing all this for, huh? - What? - All this shit.
You know, this goddamn popularity contest.
Doing all this fake shit for votes? Come on.
I don't know, I like helpin' people.
That so bad? There's a cheaper way of helping people.
By doing nothing and staying out of the fucking way.
You know, it's better than begging for attention from a bunch of fucking jack-wagons who ain't worth your weight in spit.
Maybe I wanna be noticed for once.
For something good.
Okay? I notice you.
And you know, your ma, she notices you.
Yeah, well, people don't always say nice things about me.
Well, not me, but you know what I mean.
About your ma, you mean? Go with the green.
You know, green reminds people of money 'cause people are fucking greedy.
- You think? - Yeah, no doubt.
We don't need the puffy paint.
Fuck that.
We're getting the fuckin' puffy paint, we're getting the scented markers.
You and me, we're gonna have a party.
Come on.
Oh, hey, hey, hey.
What the fuck are you two bozos doin' now? Trying to smoke out the cat.
Smoking out the What are you, fucking crazy? You're gonna burn down my goddamn house.
Give me that.
Come on, come on.
Smoke out a cat, huh? Stop it.
My kids Del, can you do me a favor? Can you, uh, paint on this, just, uh, so you don't make a mess and don't fuck up my table, please? Table's already fucked up.
Yeah, 'cause, uh, somebody Doesn't know how to use a fucking coaster.
"Coastas," he says! All the sudden, this guy's pushin' coastas.
Martha Stewart over here.
Come on, darling, You can use anything as a frigging coaster.
Here, why don't you use one of Del's books, huh? - Come on, now! Donna! - Shit! - It's okay.
It's okay.
- No, it's not! Hey, hey, hey, relax.
I'll help her make another one.
Do you know how much this shit costs, huh? No.
No, you wouldn't, because you didn't show up at the craft store like you were supposed to, did you? God, quit being fucking cheap.
It's not about me being cheap, all right? You're a fuckin' embarrassment.
- Daddy, don't - No! Your daughter here is bustin' her ass tryin' to become school president and you're not helping her.
All of her friends snickering, - gossiping about your - My what? What are they saying'? Hmm? I'm going' outside for a beer.
Dad, that is a great idea.
I'm coming with you.
Hey, dummy, what the fuck I just say, huh? I didn't say nothing' about you.
You know, he's just, he's being I'm sorry.
What'd I tell you about apologizing for being better than me? Stop it.
He'll calm down.
He can call me whatever he wants.
He says things, that's what he does.
What about "What the Hell, Vote for Del?" Kinda love that.
That's 'cause it's fuckin' good.
Wow, you should've been an artist or something.
I dabbled back in the day.
You dabbled? Graffiti mostly.
- It's perfect.
- Hmm.
All right, now let me hear that speech of yours.
- No, it's not ready yet.
- Hey They're gonna fuckin' love you, kid.
How do you know that? Because I fuckin' love ya.
So they have to at least like ya.
Or I'll kill 'em.
- Come on.
- Okay.
Good morning, Hagler.
My name's Del Luccetti and I'm running for Class President.
That's my daughter! If elected, I promise to not make any stupid promises that I can't keep.
Because when I decide to do something, I always follow through because I like helpin' people.
So that's why we're finally gonna wash those rancid P.
We're gonna put free tampons in all the girls' bathrooms and we're gonna spackle over that peephole Coach Porter left in the boys' locker room before his "early retirement.
" Whoo! Del's a crack baby! Uh Uh, listen, you can You can call me whatever you want.
You don't have to like me, but you should know that I like you and I wanna do good stuff.
Like this blood drive we're having for Gordie.
Um So I I hope you'll let me help you.
So What the hell, Vote for Del.
I liked your speech.
I mean, they called me a crack baby, but at least they knew my name.
Um, for real, though, Gordie is, like, one of my best friends.
I'm on the team, too.
- Oh, no shit.
- Yeah.
That blood drive thing, that's a dope idea.
Thanks for giving a shit and doing something.
- Most people don't.
- Yeah.
So your mom, she's a She's riot, huh? Yeah, yeah.
She's a maniac, but she's pretty fun.
You should come over to our game sometime.
You know, watch us play.
You can bring your mom.
Um, or, uh Or no.
I mean, just you can come.
- Whatever's good.
- Yeah.
Yeah, I'll come.
I'll see you around.
Ma! Hey.
Where's Ma? I gotta tell her something.
Ah, Delilah.
My speech, it went She's gotta hear this.
- Hey.
Delilah, Delilah.
- One second.
I gotta go tell Ma.
Delilah, please just come here.
What's wrong? Look, I, um I gotta tell you something, okay? But you got to You gotta swear to me.
You gotta promise me that you're not gonna cry.
Okay? Look, your, um Your mother, she did something She did something really stupid.
And she's, uh Delilah, she's not She's not coming back.
Your ma is gone.
They said it was, uh They said it was an accident.
Hey, you promised me you weren't gonna cry.
Don't cry.
I'm not gonna cry.
Why are you avoiding me? I'm not.
How are you? What do you think? Sorry, that was a stupid fucking question.
I Uh Hey, you know, the election's in two days.
Maybe I could help you hand out buttons or somethin'.
Yeah, maybe.
You know, you wanted everyone to like you, so maybe people are gonna vote for you 'cause they feel bad.
No offense, though.
Uh, you gonna do that blood drive? - It might be a good distraction from the - Yeah.
Hey, pizza boats at lunch! Someone's gonna need to be the fucking captain of that boat! Miss, are you all right? What's your name? My name's Julie Campos.
I'm the daughter of Graciella Campos.
We're here for the Medical Supply convention.
The convention was last week.
Del, are you gonna be all right? Hey.
I just wanted to say I'm sorry to hear about what happened and everything.
It's super sad, and You know, I'm just sorry and everything for you and your family.
Del, what the fuck are you doing? Del! You're okay? Del.
Hey, what happened? Which one of you suffered, huh? - You take him yet? - Of course.
- Oh, shit.
- The fuck is this? What the fuck? I found the cat.
Next on Wayne Hey! Give me that back! The fuck? Put me down! I'll go to fucking school! Hey! Stop, stop, stop! This is Vice Principal Walt from Alabaster High.
- Your daughter got detention today /i - Oh You got two options.
Come up with a speech that inspire people to donate to our school or half-ass like you done your whole life.
I'm gonna go with B.
I just think if you wanna stay, you should stay.
So where the fuck are you going? You're gonna have more fun without me.
So you're just gonna fucking leave? Dick.

Previous EpisodeNext Episode